King of Swords

January 21, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Journaling:

This is an appropriate card for me today as I'm feeling super defensive and attacked.  It feels as if the terrible twosome gets to be as horrible as possible, but anytime I say anything nasty about them, I'm the bad guy.  However, at the end of the day I just got a good review and I always deliver so those two can just suck it.  I know that the boy is just a worthless little twit who thinks he knows more than he does and the girl just wants to impress people with how wonderful she is when really she is an idiot.

What I need to remember is that their being idiots is about them and not about me.  If my boss is so weak willed that he listens to those two idiots, then that isn't someone that I want to work for and I will find another job as soon as I am vested in my retirement.  I've switched jobs before so I can switch jobs again, I just have to let it go and just focus on doing my work and not on all the drama.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 29, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Wisdom, punishment guided by wisdom, overseeing, strength

Book: Symbol for patience, perserverance, and judgement

Guidance:  Loyalty, unwavering devotion, connection between heaven and earth

Journaling:

Griffins are guardians of rivers of gold and exhibit both wisdom and strength.  This card is telling me to guard what is mine, but to use wisdom to do so.  A griffin would have the wisdom to know if someone was truly a threat or not and I need to exhibit the same wisdom.  This is an interesting reading for me because there are times when I do not truly use wisdom to determine if I am being threatened.  In those instances, I go on the offensive and make sure someone knows not to mess with me, even if there is no real threat.

I've been doing that a lot at work as there is someone I view as a threat and I need to be incredibly defensive about everything she says and I am probably a lot meaner than I need to be.  This is one of those instances where I am competing instead of collaborating.  In my defense, I do have a broader range of experience than she does and she does a hell of a lot of annoying things (like not taking no for an answer), but I should take a step back and breathe before going on the attack.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 27, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Arthur, decisions, journeys

Book: Power and authority from divine right

Guidance:  Cut though confusion by speaking the truth in a firm and fair way.  Stand in the power of your divine right to follow your own mind.

Journaling:

I love the messaging around this as it is so through that being direct and speaking clearly without emotion really helps to cut through the BS.  I have a client who gets into blaming us and trying to make us responsible for all their shortcomings.  I have learned that I just need to pull my energy in and be very direct about what needs to be done.  There is no room for emotion and for taking things personally.  I have learned that when I take things personally and make it all about me, things generally go better than when I am able to take the emotion out of it and focus on the facts.  The other lesson I learned from Ted is that instead of saying "you made me feel..." something I should just focus on I feel.  As he said, there is no arguing with my feelings as people cannot tell me that I don't feel something and it is also difficult to discount facts.  When I can approach things that way, I'm able to have much more productive conversations.

Sometimes it is really hard to open up and to own my feelings, but when I am able to have these hard conversations and admit how I am really feeling, my life is so much better.  I'm learning that sometimes just saying what I am feeling helps me to work through the feelings.  I realize that it is odd to be writing about feelings when writing about the King of Swords, but the message I cam getting is that the King of Swords can help us cut away that veil that prevents us from seeing and feeling our own feelings.  We get so caught up in being afraid of our feelings or thinking that our feelings are not socially acceptable, that we hide them or stuff them down in a desperate attempt to not feel.  However, when we can use the King of Swords to cut away the veil and let them out, we can speak our truth with clarity.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful that for the yummy Greek potatoes

I'm grateful I got to leave work in a timely manner

I'm grateful that the weather was clear

I'm grateful for the yummy hot fudge sundae

I'm grateful for the warm and snuggly bed

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

July 10, 2018

Deck:  Rider-Waite

First Impressions:  Drive, taking action, communication

Book:  Directly facing all who approach him, intelligent, reliable man in authority, power, strength, logical, and rational

Guidance:  Don't cross the king, be flexible and innovative, continue moving forward

Journaling:

It's time for me to be decisive and begin making plans to move forward.  I don't know exactly what the future looks like, but I know it is time to start figuring it out.

December 30, 2018 Review

What I am finding so amazing about reading through past posts is how much I have changed my life by taking time to read through and analyze my past posts.  It is so helpful to get it all out on the page.  It just helps to have it there instead of festering.  And going back and looking at it with a fresh set of eyes makes it so much less scary.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

September 25, 2017

Gilded Tarot
Note:  Card was reversed

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Be kinder

Book:  Biased decision, dismissing feelings, not playing by the rules, suspending judgement, ruthless action, accept you cannot change people, lack of decisiveness

Guidance:  Feel More, judge and analyze less

Journaling

I don't make decisions decisively and implement them when they come to my body.  I know sugar is really bad for me and makes me feel horrible, but I keep sucking it down  I need to let go.  I'm also not very decisive about my X decision.  I let go, then snatch it back.  I need to just let go.

July 8, 2018 Review

Letting go is really hard for me.  I need to figure out why sugar has such a draw for me.  No, I don't.  Sugar is a physically addictive substance and I am addicted.  This is not about me being weak or having a lack of willpower.  It is literally about being addicted to a substance.  I need to go back to the 12 steps and apply them to sugar.  I am just addicted.  I think I am going to try going to Food Addicts Anonymous meetings to see if that helps.  I'm going to order the literature, then make a decision about the meeting

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 23, 2016

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Mastery of one's thoughts

Book:  Compromise, Fairness, Consider other points of view

Guidance:  Be fair and objective, listen to others, be intellectually honest

May 25, 2018

Interesting, I did not journal when I pulled this card originally.  I'm sure it is because I was super busy and caught up in work.  I love this card.  Most people would take it as a reminder to listen to other people's points of view, but I consider it a reminder to value my own point of view.  My upbringing by the Bitch taught me to value other people over myself so it is second nature for me to discount my own beliefs to appease others.  However, recently I have begun valuing my own point of view and truly listening to and asserting myself.

That is really uncomfortable for me because it feels like I am sticking myself out there and setting myself up to be stomped on, but it is important that I assert myself and make my thoughts and feelings known.  It was uncomfortable this week at work as I had to assert myself regarding the demo we were doing and sometimes it felt as if I was a broken record, but in the end I got support and we ended up including OCM and it was great as they guys wove it into their presentation seamlessly.

Asserting myself and standing up for myself feels uncomfortable and there are times when I feel as if I have two speeds:  Door Mat and Freight train, but that is because in the past, I did not do a good job of asserting myself until I got really pissed off and then it seemed as if it was the first time I had said something, when in reality no one had chosen to listen to me before.

John was wrong in calling me a freight train because he chose not to take responsibility for our lives or anything that was happening so because I was willing to assert myself and take responsibility, I was a freight train.  The reality of the matter is that if he had chosen to be an equal partner in our marriage, we would have not had all the problems that we had.  Instead, he chose to be passive and as a result, I was viewed as domineering.

It is so valuable to look back on my marriage through the lens of time and see that all the horror and pain he put me through were not really about me at all, but were about his own self esteem issues and his own inadequacies.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 1, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:  I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment.  He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land.  I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak.  He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle.  The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book:  Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance:  Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts.  April opened up to me about her life growing up and what's going on in her life now.  It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was.  It doesn't mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017 Review

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother.  I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before.  I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me.  There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself.  However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her.  That's something she has to want and to work for herself.  However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

September 12, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

Immediate Response:  Although this card appears cold and icy, it isn't as the tree still has green on.  I love the purple embellishment on his sword as it takes an object that is cold and icy and humanizes it.  I also like the cloak clasp as it mirrors his standard which you can partially see in the background.  This card as well as my tarot knowledge says that this king is decisive and has the ability to make good decisions, but he might also be a little rigid.

Book:  Intellectual, stern, tendency to be too rigid, guardian of social order.

Guidance:  Be flexible, make decisions, hold boundaries

Journaling:  The last few days have been about flexibility and going with the flow for me so it is interesting that this card came up.  I have been deliberately working on going with the flow and not being rigid so I'm not sure what the guidance is here.  Have I been too flexible?  Maybe this card is suggesting that I be a little more rigid and maintain better boundaries, especially around work.  I'm not exactly sure how I would do that as these people are nuts.  I'm going to have to give this some thought.  Maybe there are ways I can more provide more structure.

December 21, 2017 Review

Interesting to review this a year out of the situation.  All of the things that seemed so important at the time and so urgent aren't important any more and I don't even remember what all the drama was at at the time.  I do know that I was working at Gateway in Chicago and they were kind of nuts.  They had chosen the wrong solution and were trying to make it fix and it wasn't working.  They didn't do a good job with order and structure.

I'm also learning that overall I don't do a good job with boundaries and I'm struggling with that now as my client wants to meet every day next week even though I'm on PTO and the rest of the team is.  However, being a consultant means sucking it up and doing what needs to be done.  Not sure how to set boundaries when the expectation is to be available.  Again, I'll have to figure out how to set those boundaries.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 7, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First impressions:  Decisiveness

Book:  Grounded and stable, cut away truth from untruth

Guidance:  Watch so the sword is not critical or sharp to himself or others, bel tolerant, be supportive

Affirmation;  I am kind in my decisions

Journaling

I needed to hear this today because I've been doing a lot of beating up on myself.  I am human and not perfect.  I need to accept me for who I am.  The past few weeks have also helped me to better understand why John is with someone.  When you're lonely, it would be really easy to accept the first guy that looks as you, as if you might think someone is better than no one.  However, after spending 22 years with someone who didn't love me, I'd rather have the loneliness I feel over the pain of rejection and abuse.  I'm also not going to settle.  Why should I lower my standards/  I will not settle for anything other than unconditional love because that's what I deserve.  I deserve someone who makes me laugh, who loves me no matter what and who is there for me no matter what.

John was never that person.  His primary goal was always to bring me down a notch.  Ishould have let him go all those lifetimes agin.

May 15, 2016

Opening my heart and listening is hard for me.  I'm so glad tarot is helping me find a way to open to healing.

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Harvest, Sun, of the earth

Book: Expression of abundance

Guidance:  Begin a new project with confidence knowing that it will grow to its fullest potential and flourish

Journaling

I've been getting a lot of messages about new projects lately and about starting new endeavors, but I don't know what those new endeavors are.  I know that there is a part of me that is being called to work more intimately with individuals instead of with organizations, to truly minister to the needs of people instead of just helping big corporations make money.  However, I don't know what that looks like, if it take the form of teaching, the form of online teaching, the form of working at a university, I just don't know exactly what it looks like.

What I do know is that there is change in the air and that I'm going to be called on to serve in a different and more unique way.  I don't know exactly what that is yet, but I do know that it is coming as I feel an excitement in the air as my life will more closely align with my heart's purpose.  It may be just learning to look at what I already do differently or it may mean a change of pace.  All I know from my work and my personal experience is that I need to open my heart to the change and be open to whatever comes my way.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the safe drive

I'm grateful for the funny conversation with Cam

I'm grateful that my meetings went well

I'm grateful for the candy

I'm grateful for Jamie's smiles

I'm grateful I got to sleep late

I'm grateful I got some work done on my workshop reflection paper

I'm grateful I got some work done on my taroting

Deliberate Draw: The Star

First Impressions:  The beauty of the night sky, being covered by mama's love

Book:  Hope for your dreams to manifest, time of renewal and inspiration

Guidance:  Relax, be at peace, and all will be well

Journaling

There is something magical about sitting outside around a bonfire with the stars high above.  It is as if the stars above are reflected in the bonfire.  Bonfires also  invite shared intimacies and the sharing of secrets.  It was a wonderful day as we woke up late, went to the store to get a few groceries, spent some time lazing around, then went hiking.  The hike was funny because neither dog was terribly thrilled with the idea of walking in nature.  Both of them gingerly picked their way over the trail and periodically stopped to cry and whine.  Wendy especially whined when Clark and Cam got too far ahead of us.  She is such a loving little soul as she truly loves her people and wants to make sure they are close.

I love the darkness and the feeling of infinity that the night sky brings.  It is as if all my hopes and dreams can come true and as if there is nothing that can stop me from achieving my dreams.  In the darkness, there is mystery and magic and all the obstacles of the day are shrouded.  I know that the night can also cover up evil and hide wrong doing, but for me there is magic and possibility in the night time that doesn't always exist in the light.  Nighttime and bonfires are especially magical when there is just a little bit of a chill in the air and the magic of fall is starting to creep up on you. 

When I sit around a campfire at night, I'm taken back to my lives before this one, when I was a shaman and the night and the bonfire were the distraction.  We talked, we laughed, and we shared.  We needed to be around the fire in order to be safe as many believed that the night held scary mysteries and not comforting warmth.  As I sat by the fire with Cam, I felt myself slip away to that far away lifetime when I was part of a community and not part of the world.  I think that we have lost something as the world has gotten smaller and we live in a global community instead of a community that clusters around a campfire to keep the monsters of the night away.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the walk in the woods

I'm grateful for sleeping late

I'm grateful for working on the fenced in porch

I'm grateful for snuggling with both dogs

I'm grateful for watching Wendy run in the water

I'm grateful for the deep sleep I got

I'm grateful for Wendy's funny little noises

Ten of Cups

August 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Happiness, raising a toast

Book: Celebrating

Guidance: Emotional contentment, a card of appreciation and gratitude

Journaling

I chose this card because it was so nice to have dinner with Scott and to just hang out and talk about all that is going on in life.  It's nice to have people in my life who understand me and who get why I behave the way I do.  We talked a lot about why I'm upset and he asked me a very deep question when he asked me why I thought there was going to be a bad outcome.  I said that the Brock Turner case was on my mind and that I was upset because I was being asked to trust 12 people to make a decision.  However, he reminded me that there was a possibility that it could go well.

At the end of the day, a lot of what I'm feeling is powerlessness and it's not something that I'm comfortable with.  I don't like to not be in control and there are a lot of areas in my life where I am in control and where I get to drive what happens.  However, there are also situations where I have to trust others and those situations make me very uncomfortable.  When I'm put in a position of being asked to trust someone, I get upset and I get defensive, angry, afraid, etc.  I start lashing out at even the people who want to help me because I am afraid.  However, when I finally start hurting enough or when I have a moment of clarity, I remember that I don't have to trust everyone.  I have to trust my guides.  I have to turn it over to them and trust them to do the right thing.  Once I do that it is as if all the anger is out of me and I've deflated.  Then I can be filled back up with good things.

What's interesting about this is that Scott pulled the seven of pentacles in the Vision Quest which is a card of depletion and not a card of waiting or harvest.  Interestingly, I didn't think of it at the time but depletion is what I feel when I let all that anger and stress go.  I feel as if all the negativity has escaped out of me and I feel like I am depleted, but in a good way.  He also pulled the Shaman card and that is a card of power.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good conversation with Darshan and his decision

I'm grateful for dinner with Scott

I'm grateful for leaving work on time

I'm grateful for staying at a different hotel than the team

I'm grateful for yummy Spanglish

I'm grateful for the beautiful weather

I'm grateful for fresh fruit

I'm grateful to have money in the bank

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 22, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Happiness, Joy as a family, sticking together

Book:  Deep satisfaction that comes from finding your path in life, fulfillment, joys of familial love, simple pleasures of domestic life

Guidance:  Take a moment to appreciate your life, your home, and your loved ones, open your heart, dance with the universe, and feel the love that pours forth for you

Journaling

Today was a happy family day.  We hung out together in the morning, then went and had dinner with Sean for Cam's birthday.  We just had Jimmy John's but being together was nice.  We also spent a lot of time playing with the doggos today and just hanging out with them.  There was nothing big or bold that happened today, but it was a nice comfortable day.  I'm learning that sometimes the best days or the days when we just enjoy each other's company and are there for each other.  Cam had a meltdown today because she is having flashbacks and working through stuff, but because I was in a good head space, I was able to listen and be there for her.  Just being there for someone else is such a powerful thing and to know that there are people there for me is very powerful.  I might get really irritated with the kids sometimes, but I love them and I'm happy I'm able to provide for them.

After Seano got home from work, we had cake (again) and opened Cam's presents.  She was so happy with what we got her and so grateful.  I'm glad I can give my kids things that they want for presents and that they appreciate it.  It isn't about having the money to buy expensive things, but it is taking the time to get the things that people want.  I think that's key for me is truly having people listen and take the time to get things that matter.  John never really listened to what people wanted and chose gifts that he thought people wanted.  He also always had intense drama and every occasion ended up being around him.

It is just nice to have a calm and peaceful life.  We don't always get along, but we are able to work through our issues instead of resorting to anger and hate.  That's a nice place to be in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 16, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Emotional stability, peace, family harmony

Book:  Happy, family, contentment, lasting happiness, perfect love, card of the heart's desire

Guidance:  You have gained great joy from life

Journaling

I'm not sure what this card means for me as I'm not satisfied with my life and it feels empty and lonely.  I mostly like my job, but am annoyed about certain people's attitudes.  Joe pissed me off today.  Why should we do training material when they are going with someone else for OCM.  That is ludicrous.  If they want all our materials, they can damn well pay for it.  There are days I get so frustrated at work and I feel as if I'm swimming upstream.  And I have to admit that there are days I wonder if it is even worth it.

Maybe this card is a reminder to keep the faith that I can have what I want.  I just need to trust.  Trust is so hard for me.  I always assume that people have the worst intentions.  Maybe I need to start trusting that people do have my best interests at heart. 

Dearest Ones,

Please help me to open my heart and trust.  Please help me to believe that people have good intentions instead of always assuming the worst.

Blessings, Raine

December 29, 2018 Review

Wow!  I completely missed what this card was trying to tell me.  It was telling me that I have an amazing family and that I am truly loved and that instead of focusing on what is wrong with my life, I should focus on the positives.  I have been doing a lot better at doing that lately and I know that it is because I write down my gratitudes  every day, I do a weekly recap, and I pull a card every day.  I also know that a lot of it is due to the fact that I have been reading a lot of spiritual literature.  I've been working to focus on the positives in life and in the world instead of getting weighed down by the negativity.

However, even though I am seeing the positive changes, I also know that I still obsess and I still spend a lot of time focused on the negative and on what is wrong with life.  I need to let go of the negative and start really focusing on what's right in life.  I need to let go of my anger and angst over John.  What he does or does not do is really none of my business.  I need to let go and let him succeed or fail on his own.  I also have to trust that I have provided Sean with as much guidance as I possible can and that he will ask for help and guidance if he needs it.  It is hard to let go, but that's really what I need to do in order to be happy in my own life.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 20, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Family, enjoyment

Book:  Celebrate life's rewards, unconditional joy, being grateful for the good stuff, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not lose yourself in the celebration, maintain inner equilibrium, learn new lessons through joy and bliss

Affirmation;  I am grateful

Journaling

I love the ten of cups as it celebrates coming to fruition and having all the good stuff that life has to offer.  The last few years have truly helped me to realize what love is and to open myself up to unconditional love.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Love unconditionally.  Accept imbalance.  Accept being weak.  Let people take care of you.  Be vulnerable.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 2, 2016

Ten of Cups
Gilded Tarot

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family.  Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.

Book:  Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration

Journaling:

This card is such a confirmation of the work I've done.  For the most part I am happy and content with my life.  I do want someone to love, but I've been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc.  The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean.  Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad.  I know I can't say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.

December 28, 2017

I hate it when I write something and put no context around it.  I'm not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn't matter.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

May 13, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Overshelmed by the world.  Feeling as if I am constantly battling and life is incredibly difficult.  Feeling overwhelmed.  Death versus life seems front and center.

Book:  Overwhelmed by emotion an feeling like a martyer.

Journaling

I am feeling like a martyer as I feel likie I give and give and give and get nothing in return.  It seems as if the kids just take, take, take, and I don't know how to stop it.  I need to find a way to set clear boundaries for them.  I also know that I want life to be settled now and that isn't realistic.  I need to let life take its course.  In the scope of things, I haven't been moved all that long and I just need to trust the universe.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

When I am realistic about when I wrote this, I realize that it was written about six months after we had moved and the kids still weren't settled yet.  When we moved, I had a job that I kept but the kids had to settle in, find jobs, etc.  It wasn't really realistic to expect them to be settled and in a place where they could contribute.  Things are much better now and although I still feel like I do a lot of heavy lifting, that's changing.

Page of Swords

August 12, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Learning, knowledge, intellectual

Book:  Harmonious symmetry

Guidance:  Open your mind to new ideas, messages come through learning that are a catalyst for change

Journaling

Meeting Heather was such a godsend because it was so much easier to show up since I had already met someone.  I was also thrilled to see such an amazing group gather.  Today was truly a day about opening my mind to new ideas and realizing how intellectual learning stimulates my emotional learning.  I was also so pleased that there were people who were actually interested in my background and thought that I had something to contribute.

What is so amazing is that it truly does feel as if I'm found my niche where I belong and where I can actually add value to the world.  I think part of what I'm feeling right now is that I'm not learning, growing, and adding unique value to the world.  Being at this conference was truly all about learning and figuring out new pathways.  I don't know what those new pathways are yet, but I do know that I'm definitely changing.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for people being interested in my background

I'm grateful for being included in the Qualitative Research Group

I'm grateful for being in such a beautiful space

I'm grateful for all the great information

I'm grateful for the awesome hummus place that Clam and I went to for dinner

I'm grateful for getting a good night's sleep

I'm grateful for Jeanette

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 4, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Arrogance, facing the future

Book:  Intelligent and insightful, discovering what is hidden, not afraid to speak the truth

Guidance:  Tailor your talent to the world of human reality

Journaling

The meaning on this card makes me smile as I sometimes race ahead of everyone else and am left looking back waiting for them to catch up.  This card serves as a reminder that I live in the human realm and I need to be kind and to help others along instead of racing ahead of everyone else because I can.  My job generally helps me with that as I get a reminder on every project what it is like to be back at the beginning and starting over. 

The page of swords also serves as a reminder that learning can be fun and that it can be amazing to jump into a pool of new knowledge and learn something new.  We often get so caught up in being the smartest person in the world that we forget what it is like to have beginner's mind and start from the beginning. 

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the yummy Spanglish and flirting with the guy behind the counter
I'm grateful for the safe drive to Chicago
I'm grateful that the Delta fixed my reservation for me
I'm grateful that it was a nice day for a drive
I'm grateful for driving down State Street with my top down
I'm grateful for seeing the beautiful moon

The World

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Swords

First Impressions:  Cold logic, choosing logic over intuition

Book:  Born statesman, keen intellect, brilliant strategist, just but not merciful, despises everything that sounds emotional, can get wrapped up in his power

Guidance:  Act with authority, do not allow your head to overrule your heart

Journaling

My immediate thought on choosing this card is that logic is a cold place to live and that living only in logic leaves us in a voice devoid of love, romance, and all the amazing things that life has to offer.  However, in order to live in a life of beauty, wonder, and intuition we have to open our hearts to trust our intuition, ourselves, and other people and I am struggling to trust right now.  My bosses at work have made a decision that I don't believe is in my best interest and I've conveyed my concerns and people I trust will advocate for me, but that means I have to rely on others to essentially fight my battles for me and that is a difficult position to be in.

However, as I look at this card, I realize that I spend a lot of time living in the land of the king of swords as I choose to look at things through a veil of a warped type of logic and not operate from a position of trust.  This is a cold way to live, but I am terrified to trust my life to others.  I'm terrified to trust that others actually have my best interests at heart.  It also seems like no one can every prove enough that they have my best interest at heart.  One of the things I am realizing as I go through this situation is that not only am I struggling to trust others, I'm also struggling to trust myself.  My judgement on John was so flawed and I spent 22 years being stomped on over and over that it is hard to trust my judgement about other people.  I find it easier to trust myself about my future than to trust others in relation to my future.

Maybe I need to accept this as an opportunity to learn to trust and to let go of all my fear about other people screwing me over.  Maybe I just need to keep focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and let it all work itself out.  I also have to remember the question of whether I would rather be right or happy?  This guy seems to be right, but he certainly doesn't look happy.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful Sean is on his way home

I'm grateful I'm home this week

I'm grateful for the peaceful house

I'm grateful for cuddling with Wendy

I'm grateful for the yummy strawberry sorbest

I'm grateful for sleeping in my own bed

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Cups

First Impressions:  Icy, emotional control, heartless

Book:  Hidden emotions, worldly and suave, unwillingness to be vulnerable

Guidance:  Open your heart

Journaling

Another card that is right on the money as I am still struggling to be open and vulnerable.  It is much easier to say F* you and walk away than to trust people enough to open up and be vulnerable and let them in.  In my head, I know that loving with an open heart means opening up and being willing to be vulnerable, but in practice I still struggle with it.  I do a good job with Scott and with Kyle, but it takes me a long time to actually get to know people and to truly let them in.  I think my experience with X has also hurt me more than I know as I trusted him and shared his secrets and he's been so distant lately.  However, in my heart I know that is more a matter of unfulfilled expectations than a true breach of trust.  In realty, he has done nothing to hurt me, but be busy with his own life.

The other issue is that I am struggling to control my raging Scorpio personality.  My personality is scorched earth and take no prisoners and when I feel like I am slighted, I either want to destroy the other person, freeze them out, or just ghost them.  Those are the extremes within my soul and it is really hard for me to come to a more temperate approach.  I think that drives some of my personal problems at work as well as I am so passionate about what I do and I want to do it well and when I feel like my efforts are not appreciated, my default mechanism is to say F* you and walk away.  I can't just bring part of myself to work, I'm either all in or all out.

I think that's why in my heart of hearts I'd rather own my online business where I can call the shots and I can say F* you if I don't get my way.  I'm not sure if there is a solution to this, but I will continue to meditate on it, work on it, and do my best.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for taking a nap

I'm grateful for air conditioning

I'm grateful for a yummy dinner with Cam

I'm grateful for Bai

I'm grateful for Scott

Judgement

July 25, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance, fairness, weighing things

Book:  You are ripe for transformation, reckoning with the past

Guidance:  Open your eyes to a while new way of life, heed the call to be born into a more meaningful existence

Journaling

This is an interesting card to pull today because I'm in a position where I am being asked to trust management to deal with a horrible situation and I don't know if I trust them.  Our project team is so dysfunctional it isn't funny.  We have people refusing to talk to people, people making snotty comments about the client in the client's building, and a whole host of bad behavior.  And it's being driven by someone high up in the food chain's behavior.  It's making it so that I don't even want to go into the office anymore because of all the bullshit.

I talked to a VP in the organization today and he said that management was going to take care of it and to let them handle it.  That puts all of my hackles up because I don't really trust anyone to do right by me and take care of things.  I especially don't trust people to make things right after I've spoken up. My assumption is that speaking up is going to get me in trouble so I should just flee.  I know that isn't the right thing to thing, but my mind immediately goes into flight mode and if I get really pinned into a corner I will come out fighting.

This goes back to both my childhood, past job experiences, and my marriage.  In my childhood, I never spoke up about being bullied because I was afraid of the backlash.  And when I worked for the military and I spoke out against a first amendment violation, I was arrested.  Of course, since I was pushed beyond my comfort zone, I escaped and assaulted a police officer. Since my divorce, it has been hard for me to trust anyone, especially when I started realizing the depths of Charlene's behavior and how she essentially set me up for my bad marriage.  I was devastated and I was hurt so badly on so many levels, that I learned it became easier to walk away than to stay and learn and grow.  

 I'm in a place now where life is good and for the most part I'm happy, but I'm being asked to trust people and I don't want to.  I want to say fuck it and walk away.   The only thing that is keeping me in my seat is that the people I am working with have proven trustworthy to date and they have for the most part done right by me.  That doesn't mean I don't feel uncomfortable and every bone in my body wants to run away.  Sitting here and trusting is incredibly hard for me.

The fact that this is Anubis is deeply significant for me because I trust Anubis with my life.  He has always been there for me.  He has always protected me.  And he has always guided me.  The fact that I chose Anubis today is significant as it means that choosing to trust will move me to the next realm.  I do not want to trust.  I thought I had grown and changed and that I'd never have to feel these growing pains again, but they are telling me there is sill more to learn.  I think it is time to set up an Anubis altar and sit with the discomfort.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the support I got from Ted

I'm grateful I got home on time

I'm grateful for laughing with Cam

I'm grateful for sleeping in a cool room

I'm grateful for the weather being nice

I'm grateful for a good call with Michelle

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 19, 2016

Deck:   Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck, not moving on

Book:  Denial of inner calling, stagnation, procrastination, fear of change, feeling as something is dying, arrived at the wrong conclusion, greater focus on spirituality, complacency

Guidance:  Don't try to change others, take action to move forward

Journaling

One of the things I'm realizing is that I have to drop the weight.  It is literally killing me.  A big part of the problem is that my life sucks so much that I don't care if I live or die.  I really need to change my attitude and ask for help.  The message I got is that instead of asking for love to ask for health and the love will come.

May 25, 2018  Review

I'm still not doing so well with taking care of my health and there are a lot of days where  feel like I am committing suicide by sugar as I cannot let go of my need for coca-cola.  It feels as if I need it to start and continue my day.  I'm also not exercising very much at all and I feel it in my bones.  I think part of the problem is that I have a serious and chronic sinus infection, which affects my sleep, which affects my energy level, etc.  It is a whole vicious circle.  I've gone back to taking the d-hist and I have to say that I am actually starting to feel a lot better.  The next step is to get a new air filter for my room as the other one seems to have given up the ghost.  I know that the D-Hist and the air filter seriously changed my life before because I started feeling so much better.

The other thing I need to do is find a local acupuncturist because acupuncture helped me so much.  However, I'm realizing that maybe I'm not wanting to find a new acupuncturist out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Kyle.  However, he would want me to move on and start feeling better.  I'm going to call and make an appointment tomorrow.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

September 19, 2016

Deck;  Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions:  The people are naked and although it is supposed to be a family, they all seem very young.  The cloud by the angel is pink.  The people seem to be waving to the angel.  I don't know if they are just saying hi or if there is more to it than that.  This card is about a reckoning and reawakening.

Book:  Awakening, realization, rebirth, call to change, and decision making.


Guidance:  Listen to your heart

Journaling

Awakening is an odd theme for the day.  I was so exhausted yesterday that I could barely keep my eyes open.  This job is getting more and more physically wearing and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to push myself like this.  There is a large part of me that wants to get a job in town, but I'm kind of afraid of what that would look like.  I think I need to do some research and see if I could make that work.

December 22, 2017 Review

It's been over a year since I originally wrote that and I've switched jobs, but am still traveling.  I'm feeling somewhat better than I did then and am not as exhausted all the time.  However, I've also realized that I really need to pay attention to my physical health and be cognizant of when it is getting to be too much or me and step back.  I don't always do a great job of that, but it's a lesson I do need to learn.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

May 11, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Awakening, Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, not open to new things, reluctant to change

Journaling

Am I stuck in my ways and unwilling to trust spirit  Am I so afraid that they won't provide that I am standing in my own way?  All the cards lately have been about trust and about letting go.  I need to let go of the past.  I need to let go of expectations.  I need to trust them.  I can't control whether or not X loves me.  I can't control whether or not I get this job.  I can't control the kids and I can't control Gateway.

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Cups

First Impressions:  Saying f* it and walking away, being fed up

Book: Questing, life dragging us down, weary to the bone, empty vessels drained of our enthusiasm, heart's yearning for deeper meaning

Guidance:  Begin a spiritual quest, take time alone, be more present with your inner life

Journaling

This card just reminded me of where I'm at today as I just want to say F* it and walk away from this stupid project.  Nobody is getting along and we're not getting anything done.  I truly due feel as if life is dragging me down and I am weary to the bone.  However, the reality of it is that I can choose to take it personally or I can choose to let it roll off my back.  I do not have to own any of the drama that is going on.  I can just choose to let it all slide off my back. Managing the consultants is not my job, but when I choose to take ownership of it, I am the one that suffers because I get all swirly and I get caught up in the drama.  My project manager needs to own the situation and she needs to step up to the plate and kick butt. 

I just need to focus on what I need to get done and expend my energy on the things that I am responsible for.  That includes capturing all the changes that Gartner created and getting them input into SharePoint and on to the Org Impact Analysis.  That is what I am responsible for.  I'm not responsible for what the functional team does or does not due.  I am only responsible for my own little corner of the world and the sooner I remind myself of that, the better I will feel.  I just need to focus on my stuff.

In my personal life, I'm doing a much better job of that and of not getting so caught up and swirly about all the stuff that is going on.  I read an amazing book about the Sabbath over the weekend and it put it into context for me.  it was a good reminder that the Sabbath is supposed to be a time out of time.  It is all about setting aside one day to just be.  To just think, pray, enjoy, and be.  It is about letting go of work for a period of time and just being.  I was actually able to do that this weekend and it felt really good.

Gratitudes

Phone charger fixed my issue

Yummy Poke for dinner

Wendy & Clark had a good day with the kids

Snuggles from Wendy this morning

Skyping with Cam

Flight was on time

Deliberate Draw: Seeker of Wands

First Impressions:  Lazy, desert, painful

Book:  Charmer and a flirt, unreliable, can bring energy if there are others to focus it

Guidance: Need for a change of scenery

Journaling

I'm not sure why this card called to me today because I know that I am not lazy and I know I need to steer my horse in the right direction.  Maybe it is a reminder that everything that appears lazy is not.  Most of us have been brought up to believe that sleeping late is lazy, that not working long hours is lazy, that wanting to sit and read a book instead of being outside playing is lazy.  As a result of all that haranguing and complaining, I think we were all taught that to sit and take a breath and to take care of yourself is lazy, but taking care of yourself is the farthest thing from lazy that there is.  Taking care of yourself is smart and means that we have a better life.  Life is really all about balance I and I know that there are some people who are truly lazy, however, I also know that taking care of ourselves, sleeping enough, and doing all of those things that help us take care of ourselves are not lazy.

I was reading Sabbath today and it was an amazing book about how the Sabbath is a day set in time to relax and to take care of ourselves.  We honor God and ourselves when we take time to slow down and let go of work, let go of tension, let go of anger.  There is truly a need for more downtime in this world because when we have downtime we can think and dream and bring more peace to the world.  I think one of the number one causes of stress in the world is not taking time to take care of ourselves. When we push ourselves so hard that there is no time for joy or wonder, we get angry, we get resentful, then we take it out on others.

Gratitudes

Dinner with Sean

Seeing Wendy smile on the way to the library

Sitting here and having peace

Feeling better

Deliberate Draw: Seer of Wands

First Impressions:  Bold, doing what needs to be done

Book:  Restless spirit of adolescence, ready for a change and a new challenge, frank, being daring to the point of being dangerous

Guidance: Encourage enthusiasm, nurture your own adventurous spirit

Journaling

One of the things I've learned as I've gotten older is that there is a tendency to play it safe as we get older.  We have so much to lose.  We can't just quit our jobs and go off and do what our heart is telling us to do because we'll lose our status, we'll lose the time we've invested, we'll lose all of that.  It is so much harder to be bold when you have things that you will have to leave behind.  I believe it is easier to take chances and be bold when you aren't afraid of losing all that you've worked for.  What I've been working to do is figure out how to be cautiously bold, how to move forward with the things that make me happy, while being smart about my security.  It isn't easy because my heart wants to just say F* it all, quit my job, and go back to school full time.  However, as I've matured over the years I've realized that my brain gets a vote too and my vote says we need to be secure, need to pay off the bills, etc. ,etc.

In the past, I would have said F* security, I just want to be happy.  However, I've realized that I can be secure an be happy and that moving forward with my dreams doesn't mean leaping without a net.  It may take longer to get where I want to be while working, but I will get there.  Additionally, in some ways having a full time job will pursing my dreams actually helps me pursue them because all those free hotel rooms and airline points mean that I can go to conferences that I couldn't afford if I didn't have a full time job.  When I let go of my impatience and accept that I can't have everything I want right now, I can embrace taking the slow road.  I can embrace following my dreams while still living a secure life.

I love this card because she ventures boldly out into the world without a lot of baggage, but I'm realizing that sometimes we need our baggage.  Sometimes we need our ties to other people and our past.

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Pentacles

First Impressions: Goddess of plenty, grounded, transformation

Book:  Loves her body, the earth, and life itself, understanding the cyclical nature of fertility, a caretaker, confidence

Guidance:  Self trust is the most important quality, find your earthy qualities

Journaling

I love the reminder to find earthy qualities within myself.  I am happiest when I am being true to myself and not getting caught up in things that aren't real and honest and true.  The physical world is so important, but we often neglect it as we chase after stuff that doesn't matter.  I know that I've been being much more critical about the stuff I acquire lately.  I've learned that so much of the stuff we acquire is just junk or becomes junk.  That's an interesting lesson because we live in such a consumerist society where we are constantly told that the more stuff we have the better life will be, but I am coming to realize that that is not true.  More stuff is just more stuff.  And the truth of the matter is that no one is going to want all that crap when you die, it will just end up at goodwill.

I'm working at taking a good long look at all the stuff that I own and making decisions about what stays and what goes.  I know that I need a certain amount of stuff in my life, but I don't need all the stuff I have.  I think about people in my family who have storage containers full of crap that they never use.  Not only have they spent a ton of money on stuff that doesn't matter, they're also paying money to store all this stuff. 

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Cups

First Impressions: Emotions, floating, messy

Book: Beauty, fragile, discovering self-love

Guidance:  Spend time along journaling, dreaming, or exploring

Journaling:

This card fits where I am today as it is a reminder that loving myself needs to come first.  I sometimes get so caught up in taking care of other people that I don't make time for myself and when that happens I end up getting run down and cranky.  However, when I take the time to love myself and take care of myself, I absolutely glow with love and I can be kind and compassionate to others.  I grew up being taught that taking care of myself was selfish and that it was better to give love to others than to take time to love yourself.  However, all that creates is someone who is very unhappy and resentful of the world.  When I truly love and honor myself, I have energy to love other people.

I've also learned that the biggest way for me to honor and love myself is to set boundaries about what I will and will not do.  I have learned that I need to be firm about the time I need for myself and I need to say no to things that don't work for me.  When I do that and do it in a kind and gentle way, life is way better than if I say yes and am resentful.  I've also learned that I am someone who really needs a lot of alone time and when I make time for myself and have that alone time, I can be sociable.  However, if I don't get that alone time that is critical for me, I just feel depleted and angry.

Deliberate Draw; Seeker of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Seeking knowledge, finding your way, awareness

Book:  Worker bee, wanting security, working slowly and steadily toward it, sacred approach to work

Guidance:  Cultivate trustworthiness

Journaling

For some reason this card reminded me of Cam.  Maybe it was the green and the horses, but this card made me think of her and how hard she works toward her goals.  She has had so many setbacks in her life, but she continues to get up and push forward.  I am so amazingly proud of her and cannot believe she's been in my life for 27 years.  I remember so well the day she was born in the hospital on Okinawa.  I had a C-section and when she was born all the nurses commented on her eyes and how blue they were.  Even though life with John was hard, I would not trade my two kids for the world.

Since today is Cam's birthday, she is on my mind and I am thinking about all the trips we've taken over the past 27 years and how she has bolstered me and been there for me when life has been tough.  I always used to look askance at people who said their mother was their best friend, but in a lot of ways she is my best friend because she is a really good listener and she tries hard to help people when she can.  She is also very smart and dedicated and works hard for what she wants. 

She is also very much her grandfather's granddaughter in her love of animals.  She loves all creatures great and small and I love how excited she gets about seeing the groundhog that lives in the ravine.  She squees when she sees him and she is so cute about it.  Then there is her love for Clark.  He really saved her in ways that no one else can and I am so glad that we have that little black dog in our lives.  He is so "sassy" as Cam puts it and he has more confidence than I have every seen in a dog.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!  I love you.

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Wisdom, at peace with the world, power

Book: Rules with steady hand and kind heart, no need to prove himself to anyone

Guidance:  Find your own stable center

Journaling

Interesting card for me to pull as I've been feeling very centered lately.  My loving kindness practice has really helped me to be more self possessed and in control of my emotions.  It has really helped me let go of the need to be loved and admired.  I think the root of it is that I've realized that I can love and admire myself and that's okay.  I don't need anyone else's approval but my own and realizing that has helped me let go of clinging and needing to be with someone.  I've realized that I am the master of my own universe and that I am responsible for my actions and there is no one else to blame or to look for for approval. 

Knowing that I can make my own decisions without having to pander to anyone else's thoughts or concerns is amazingly liberating.