Monday, February 28, 2022

The Hanged One

February 28, 2022

Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Different perspective, grasping for things one cannot achieve, looking into the light

Book:  Surrendering to the will of the cosmos, a deliberate pause, letting go, acceptance, re-aligning with your heart and purpose

Guidance:   Push beyond your current boundaries


This is a card I needed to pull today.  Surrender to the will of the cosmos.  I always want to control the outcomes and know the next step, but maybe I just need to surrender my need to know and just continue to do the next right thing.  The next right thing is to put out there what I want and need and to surrender to what comes.  Maybe I just need to accept that my current job is just  job.  I don't need to be passionate about it.  I don't even need to like it a whole lot.  I just need to focus on what I can control.  I need to quit thinking beyond the actual work.

Eventually, things will change as long as I am focusing on what needs to be done and keeping myself open to opportunities.  It may be that this job is a good place to be because I can do the stupid work and spend my own time on what matters to me.

Where I'm At: I'm sitting at home this week about to watch one of the three shows I watch this week.  The house is calm and live is good.

Weather: It's actually nice outside.  It's not too cold

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 6%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:02 am / 6:16 pm


May 2, 2020

Pulling Burdock (The Hanged One) from The Herbcrafter's Tarot really hit home with me as we have a burdock invasion in our backyard and it seems that nothing we do gets rid of them.  We have tried digging them out, we have tried vinegar, and we've tried other gentle methods.  The only thing we haven't tried is poison as I refuse to poison the environment.  This card is asking me to take another look at the burdock and, by extension, other areas in my life where I am frustrated and feeling adversarial.  Maybe there is another way of looking at situations.

As I read deeper into the wisdom from the card, I'm advised that "challenge presents and opportunity for growth."  One possible way to get rid of the burdock is to use its leaves as mulch to help provide nutrients for the soil as burdock may be an indication that the soil is poor.  That's interesting as I was just thinking about composting and we could compost some of the burdock to improve the soil.  Latisha Guthrie also advises that healing the land or the body is a long term process and I need to accept that deep change takes time and be willing to do the work.

Burdock is also an ally for the liver as it helps to clear and release toxins and my diabetes is acting up again which means that both my pancreas and liver are out of wack.  It may be time to make friends with the burdock and use its wisdom.

Discovering Truth from the Sacred Traveler Oracle Cards is all about living an authentic life and living my own truth.  Sometimes that's hard for me as I think it is for a lot of other women as we have been conditioned to always make others comfortable while ignoring and downplaying our own discomfort.  This card tells me that I need to be honest about who I am and what's going on in my life, even when it is difficult.

Wow!  These were some amazing cards and I'm seeing revelations opening up in my own life about how tenacity can be a good thing and a bad thing about about the importance of boundaries.

September 27, 2019

Note:  This and the next few cards include a mixture of messages from the Tarot de St. Croix and Dark Goddess Tarot as I'm working through messages from this month.

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Heart chakra, halo, finding balance

Book:  Do something to gain a new perspective, travel into the subconscious

Dark Goddess Tarot:  What has been lost lives in hidden places

Guidance:  Look at life from a different perspective, surrender to what is

Guidance from the Dark Goddess Tarot:  Surrender to the inexorable forces of time, get in touch with your intuition, look at symbols, look at things from a different point of view

Dark Goddess Tarot

Tiamet was the Goddess of the Month and in the Dark Goddess Tarot she is the Hanged One.  As I pulled cards for this month, I was struck by a sense of dread and dislike.  It made me want to throw my tarot cards out the window as the messages of the cards I pulled were deep and scary and there was so much truth that I wanted to hide and ignore the messages that I was being given.  Before plunging into the reading, I needed to journal on the Goddess of the Month and on the need to surrender.  Surrender is not something that I'm comfortable with as I often equate surrender  with giving up and giving up is not something I like to do.  In the past, I've fought to the death to avoid surrendering, even if surrender was the smart thing to do. 

However, over the last few years I've learned that surrendering to circumstances or surrendering to the gods is different than surrendering to a person.  In my family of origin, surrender was viewed as weakness and if you surrendered you were likely to be humiliated and abused.  That lessen carried over into my marriage as we did not fight in a healthy manner instead it was escalate and humiliate until one person became submissive.  There was no discussion or working things out and surrendering meant degradation.  I still get trapped in that mindset sometimes and I struggle with surrendering to circumstances or other people as I am terrified of other people having dominion over me and to me surrender means giving someone dominion.

One of the things I have been learning to do, although I am far from perfect at it, is realizing that surrendering to circumstances is different than surrendering to people.  When I surrender to circumstances, I am accepting what is and moving forward from a basis in reality instead of what I want to happen.  When I can surrender and accept the world as it is instead of trying to bend the world to meet my happy version of reality, I'm in a much better place.

I'm grateful for the good meetings with my client
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather on the drive home
I'm grateful for the Casey's pizza
I'm grateful for getting home in time for Blue Bloods
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy

August 8, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Darkness, clarity, comfortable

Book:  Seeing things in a new way, finding clarity

Guidance:  Travel into the unconscious


Driving in the daytime is about seeing the sites, about looking at the scenery, about being in the world.  Traveling at night is about being comfortable in the darkness.  It's about knowing that there is a great big world out there that you cannot see.  Depending on the phase of the moon, you may see outlines of mountains or complete darkness.  Driving in the dark means being comfortable with the unknown.  It means relying on all of our senses and not just our eyesight to navigate.

Going within and navigating the terrain of our soul also means letting go of all that we know and surrendering to something greater than ourselves.  It means letting go of who we are in the light and in the outside world and embracing our soul selves.  It means letting go of work, of family, and being comfortable being alone with ourselves.  I was never comfortable with the darkness and venturing into my soul.  Before my divorce, I was filled with shame at who I was.  Shame about my body, shame about my life, shame about everything I was.

However, the last eight years have been about finding myself and embracing who I truly am.  I've discovered that I truly have a beautiful and luminous soul.  I'm not perfect, but deep down I am an amazing person.  And once I've been able to let go of most of the shame, I'm found that I am a pretty fucking amazing person.  I'm finally comfortable navigating in the dark.


I'm grateful for the beautiful drive home
I'm grateful for the trip down LSD
I'm grateful for my convertible
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for being mostly done with my work

June 28, 2019

  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Isa, making choices, different perspective

Book: Suspended between the worlds, visionary, shaman, some element of your life is on hold,

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be suspended for a while, be willing to give up something that no longer serves you


This is a card that I've never really meditated on before as it is a card of inaction and calls for patience.  It reminds me of all the times that Scott pulled the Isa rune for me and told me that patience was required.  I was going to be stuck for a while and I just needed to embrace the stillness.  I'm realizing that part of the reason that I struggled to embrace the stillness was because I was afraid of what I would find there.  I was afraid of finding all my ugliness and all the things I was ashamed of.  Being active, kept the shame at bay and I did not have to confront all the hate and ugliness that had been heaped on me by others and myself.  I did not have to confront being groped in math class and made to feel as if I was nothing for complaining.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of being bullied.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of the shame heaped on me by my mother.  I did not have to confront the abuse by my husband.  I did not have to confront each of those incidents that bit by bit stole my soul.  By keeping busy and active, I could convince myself that I was worthy by contributing.  If I allowed myself to stop, I would be mired in the shame and the uncalled for guilt of not being busy taking care of others.

My divorce plunged me into the darkness as my ex made it clear that I had outlived my usefulness to him and as such I had no purpose left in life.  I was not good enough or worthy enough to stand on my own.  The lesson I had learned from my mother and that was reinforced by my ex, that my worth came from giving to others and that if I had nothing left to give, I was worthless.  I was not worthy of nice things.  I was not worthy of taking care of myself.  I was not worthy of any of those things.  I met Erishkigal when I plunged into the darkness and she taught me compassion.  She taught me that I deserved compassion from others and from myself.  I learned that compassion can transform lives.  Initially, I relied on compassion from others and I still did not feel that I was worthy of such love and compassion.  However, as I grew more comfortable in the dark, I realized that I was worth of compassion and eventually I have begun to see that I am also worthy of love.

All the Hanged Man asks us to do is to be willing to be suspended and to let the thoughts and feelings come.  He asks us to choose not to run from them and to be willing to let go of beliefs and feelings that are no longer serving us.  We don't have to give them up just yet, we just have to be willing to consider maybe possibly letting go. 

January 9, 2022 Revisit

I feel incredible sadness for the little girl I once was as I read this.  However, I also know that I am a product of my times and that sexual abuse of children in schools happened and continues to happen.  We continue to live in a "boys will be boys" environment where boys are allowed to abuse girls with no consequences.  I know I complained and nothing  happened.  However, I realize now that nothing happening was not about me, but was about the people who chose to do nothing.  Even though it was the 1970s and 1980s, there was still a belief that boys mattered more than girls.  I hope all of those people who let this happen rot in hell.

May 29, 2019

  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  New perspective, looking at things from someone else's point of view

Book:  Suspended between the worlds, linking heaven and earth, some element of your life is on hold, being vulnerable and questioning

Guidance:  Be willing to give up some belief that no longer serves you


I've learned that when I am stressed out and nothing seems to be going my way, I "other" people.  I take exception with the way that other people choose to live, how they choose to behave, and generally who they are.  I've learned that when the words "they should..." or "they shouldn't..." go through my mind, I need to top and take a pause to figure out what's bothering me.  This is especially true when the things that are bothering me are really benign such as someone talking to loudly in the nature center or someone sitting where I want to sit.  Granted, it is kind of rude to talk at the top of your lungs in a nature center, but it is also not the worst offense in the world.  And the person who sat in the chair that I wanted to sit in was just as entitled to sit in the chair as I was.  Once I pull myself back and remember that the world does not revolve around me, I quit "othering."

My personality runs to extremes and if I am not "othering" other people, I am looking at things from everyone else's perspective and ignoring my own needs.  I was raised by a mother who put everyone else's needs above hers and who expected me to do the same.  My maternal grandmother had an undiagnosed mental illness and she was someone who could never be satisfied.  She looked the other way when my mother's brother abused her, she gave away my mother's wedding gifts to the same brother, and she treated my brother and I like second class citizens.  However, despite all of this, my mother was at her beck and call and would drop everything to take care of her.  My father enabled my mother's acceptance of my grandmother's bad behavior as he preached respect your elders so I learned that your elders were to be respected at all costs.

I vowed to myself that I would never let people mistreat me because they were elders to be respected and with people outside of my family, I did a good job of standing up for myself and demanding respect.  However, I let my mother mistreat me without calling her on it and I married a man who began mistreating me from shortly after we said I do.  Since I had been raised to believe that unconditional love meant accepting whatever behavior someone dished out, I twisted myself into knots trying to make him happy even though at my heart I knew that someone else's happiness was not my responsibility.  As the years wore on, I became angry and bitter and ultimately he ended up leaving me.  At first I was devastated, but I've come to realize that his leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm happier than I've ever been.

As I reflect upon the hanged man, I realize that I need to give up my black or white thinking.  Most likely I am not always right, but the other person is not always right either.  The truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

December 24, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  The Hanged One

First Impressions:  I love this card because not only is she hanging upside down in water, her limbs are all akimbo and I'm not sure exactly how she is staying together in the water.  The Hanged One (man) is always about changing my perspective and looking at things from a different point of view.

Book:  What has been, what lives in hidden places, Goddess of the Mother, of the gods, Mother of All, existence killed by her own young.

Guidance:  Surrender, but remember who you are; trust your intuition and be open to it, look at things from a different point of view.


Surrender is such a foreign concept to me.  I've always been someone who fights to the bloody, brutal end so the thought of surrendering and letting go always seems to me like giving up.  However, past experience has taught me that when I do truly surrender to deity, amazing things happen.  It is hard though because I always want to snatch back control.

Dearest Ones,

Help me to trust you enough to let go.  Let me trust that I a being led and that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to work out.  Let me trust you have my best intentions at heart.

January 1, 2018 Revisit

I'm still getting used to writing 2018!  One thing I have learned in my life is that life does move on and that surrendering means that I don't have to control everything.  Over the past few years, my definition of surrendering has evolved from giving up total control and sitting there passively to trusting that I will be led and doing the work I need to do.  It's kind of like managing a project, I cannot control how every consultant spends every minute of their day so I need to set the structure and trust them to do what they're supposed to do. 

Trust is as difficult of a concept for me as surrender so sitting back and not micromanaging is hard for me.  However, when I do sit back and trust others, things work out amazingly well. 

April 17, 2017

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Different perspective

Book:  Tree of life, define wisdom, spiritual transformation

Guidance:  Personal sacrifice, being future rewards, let go of clutter, surrender


This card is actually about sacrifice.  I'm doing what needs to be done to  move forward, but I'm paying a huge price for it.  The fact of the matter is that I'm tired of sacrificing myself for others.  I'm tired of accommodating needy clients and I jut don't know how to change it.

January 2, 2018

I think the key is to draw clear boundaries about what is and what isn't my responsiblity and to learn to say no without worrying about what other people think.  There are times when we do need to give our all and go the extra mile, but that is not every time the client asks us too.  Sometimes they just need to learn that no means no.  I've also learned to escalate and ask for help when I need it.  Those are not perfect solutions, but they are really helping me to have more peace of mind.
December 22, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck in one mode, unable to consider different points of view

Book;  Being too self righteous, false spirituality, too preoccupied with material issues, not sharing wisdom and grace, an end to a trying time

Guidance:  Show wisdom and grace to others, take back your power


This card is hitting me today as the word's wisdom and grace are jumping out at me.  I also need to show wisdom and grace to myself.  I beat myself up for my thoughts instead of just letting go and releasing them.  My thoughts are my thoughts.  It is only when I dwell on them that they cause me problems.  I need to just let them go.  I need to go back to doing a good box this year as that has truly helped.

This card is incredibly deep and I don't know whether to read it as taking back my power or offering forgiveness and grace.  Maybe it is truly both because offering grace is a way of claiming my own power.  I'm no longer in a place where others have power over me  This is a lot of where I'm at with X.  I have given him so much power over me for so long that it feels weird to be taking back my power and my need for him.  I'm also just discovered this amazing book called Change Me Prayers and I'm realizing that I need to surrender my need for control.  I've started praying for the one who is right for me to come into my life and that is a little uncomfortable because I'm used to driving and choosing.  But I need to sit back and surrender is driving me crazy.

July 8, 2018 Revisit

The theme of surrender has been coming up again and again for me.  It is also something that I truly struggle with as I love to be in control  Cam and I were talking today about how it is easier to surrender when you are in a plane because there is truly nothing I can do to change what happens.  It is harder to surrender everyday life when I think that I should be able to change things.  However, there are so many things in life that I cannot change and I cannot even influence. 

I've actually put up an Isis altar and I'm going to work on surrendering things to her and imaging her taking things in her loving arms.

November 26, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Seeing things from a different perspective

Book:  Coming through a challenging experience, peace, willing to sacrifice society's approval to be true to yourself

Guidance:  Be true to yourself


The message I'm getting is to truly stop and see things from my perspective instead of constantly looking at things from her (Charlene's) perspective or someone else's perspective.  There is a time and place for mercy, but in order for there to be mercy, the other person has to be repentant. They have to acknowledge their sins.  Charlene has never done that and she has continually pulled the I'm your mother card.  She hurt me and she hurt the kids and yes she had a horrible childhood and was damaged by her mother, but she has perpetuated the pain.  She knew that her mother gave me cheap crap and was hurtful, but she put me in the position of seeing her over and over and over again.  She never once said that my kids matter and I'm not going to continually put them in a position to be hurt.  Not only that, she knew that it was rotten to have your stuff given away and that it hurt, but she did it to Cam.  She didn't want Mike's kid to feel bed so she gave away Cam's shoes.  I wish I would have known because I would have blasted her to hell and back and she never would have seen the kids again.

In some ways she is like a convict or wife beater who doesn't see that their behavior is wrong or that it hurts other people.  She is in denial and a big part of that is because no one has ever called her on her bullshit before.  People just let her continue to get away with it.  After Tony got divorced and she was abusing him by continually telling him he needed to find someone.  No one told her to stop after she said hurtful things.  No one told her that she was being a bitch.  I'm saying no more.  She may not stop and she may not acknowledge her behavior, but I will have stopped the cycle by standing up to her and making sure she knows that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not let her hurt the kids or me again. 

I do not owe her anything.  I'm taking care of my kids and helping them overcome the results of her abuse.  that is where my energy needs to go and not back into helping her.  There is a part of me that says by breaking off contact in a letter that it isn't fair because I'm not letting her have  a say, but the last time I tried to let her have a say, it failed.  She just blabbed on and on about me coming to visit her and that she could come and pick me up, etc. ,etc.  She treated me as if I was dirt poor and that I wasn't coming to see her because I could not afford it.  Her ego could not accept that I did not want to come and see her.  She refused to acknowledge and accept that I'm an adult who is making decisions in my own best interest. 

In some ways this is like when Cam was manic and kept asking to go and smoke.  We would keep telling her no and she would keep saying she understood, but would go right back to asking to smoke.  This is what my mother's behavior is like.  She says she understands, but she really doesn't listen.  She cannot comprehend that she did anything wrong.  Instead she just goes into the I'm the mother and I know best routine.  It isn't true and I know it, but she can't see it.  I have to step back and not let myself get sucked into her crazy.  I know there are people who think that I'm a horrible person for "doing this to her" and hurting my poor sick  mother, but there are also people who think that murderers can be redeemed.  No one can be redeemed until they take personal responsibility.  She may not get it in this lifetime and she may not realize how she has hurt me and the kids, but maybe she will get it in a future lifetime.

When she messaged me on my birthday by posting totally inappropriate crap on a post I had made, I gave her the opportunity to listen and understand my point of view, but she fell right back into her passive aggressive bullshit and telling me that she "supported my lifestyle."  You mean the one where I bust my ass to support myself and the kids?  The one where I've bought a house and taken care of myself?  Not sure which lifestyle she was referring to.  She does not comprehend that she might be the cause of this situation. 

There are days when I feel that I should be kind to her because I would feel horrible if the kids walked away from me, but I have to remind myself that these are two very different situations.  I treat my kids like adults and acknowledge when I've screwed up.  She treats me like I'm a child who doesn't know her own mind.

I am so proud that I have managed to break out of the cycle and create an environment of respect and civility.

July 6, 2019 Revisit

Wow!  That was pretty deep and intense stuff.  However, there is so much growth in that post because I actually stood up for myself and standing up for myself doesn't always happen.

January 9, 2022 Revisit

As I learn more, I am realizing that trauma truly is generational and even though my children have mostly escaped and that my actions stopped them from being exposed to more trauma, they will still suffer from what my mother went through and I went through.  There is nothing I can do about that, but I can create a better environment and I can say "not on my watch."

September 30, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  This Hanged Man is hanging from a beam instead of a treat.  He is surrounded by mistletoe and his eyes are wide open.  There is a glow around his head as it seems he has found inner peace.  This card speaks to me of surrender, contemplation, and approaching things from a different point of view.

Book:  Reversal of values, patience, surrender, sacrifice, peace, freedom comes from commitment, non-resistance, new perspective.

Guidance:  Let go of your striving, surrender, love yourself, trust yourself.


Today was all about Isa and this card was perfect as I believe that the Hanged Man is the tarot version of Isa.  I need to just let go and surrender.  There are things I can do nothing about and the best course of action is to let go and quit struggling.  It will all fall into place.

December 23, 2017 Revisit

I am getting so much better at just surrendering and waiting.  It is still a very uncomfortable place for me, but I am better at actually executing.  I am someone who always wants to fix, manage, and control (thank you Al Anon for teaching me that) and sometimes there are things I cannot fix, manage, and control and I have to let go and see how it all plays out.

The shakeup at work has me a little worried, but there is nothing I can do to change what is happening.  My guides are telling me to trust and that it will all work out so that's what I'm going to do.  I know that I could start frantically looking for a new job, but that's not what I want to do.  I want to stay here and to build something and my guides are telling me that this is where I belong so I'm going to stay for now.

May 27, 2016

  Gaian Tarot

Card:  The Tree, pulled reversed

Book:  Ego refuses to surrender, chooses to be mored in an unwinnable situation.  Blocks and hangups may be frustrating.  Lessons are ignored, denial, patience is called for


It is very interesting that I drew this card today as I drew it yesterday when I asked about the job at IMG.  This is a card of surrender.  It is about getting out of the universe's way and letting the magick work.  This card is telling me I can be too rigid and that I need to let go of my need to control.

Stillness and reflection.  This time clears a space so I can experience how the universe acts for my highest good. T his card is akin to Isa.  I'm being directed to be patient and let things flow.  That's hard to do right now because I am in limbo and that's a tough spot.  However, I got a great review and am getting promoted so I have to trust.  I have to trust the universe that this will all work out for my greater good.  

It's funny because one of the things I was thinking about the other day was about wanting time to heal and to work through things.  Oddly, I've been given time to work on myself and to work through some of the remnents of grief and sadness in my life.  I'm at a crossroads right now.  I'm at a place of letting go of a treasured dream and needing to let go of X hurts a lot.  Even though my intelect knows we would not be good together, my heart still wants for it to work out. The good thing is that I have realized that our not being together is not about me being fundamentally unlovable.  he does love me, I know that in my bones, but he is too honorable to step away from the person he is with.  He just keeps taking her abuse over and over because he feels that is what he is supposed to do.  He sees it as making a sacrifice.  In many ways, he is the hanged man as he is trapped in an uncomfortable position, but he holds the key and could walk away at any time.  I think that is another lesson of the hanged man, we are co-creators of our own reality and there are some situations that we create and then believe we are stuck in.

Pulling this card is also about looking at our situations and determining whether we are keeping ourselves stuck.  I know with X that I kept myself stuck.  I was stubborn and refused to let go. However, in all fairness to me, I was also hurting and could not see how he could love me and not be with me.  I finally realized that he does love me and that I am not unlovable.  This choosing not to be with me is not about me being unloveabl or unworthy of love.  I am worthy of love and happiness.

Apparently, I decided to pull a second card from an oracle deck and pulled the Camel from the Spirit Guides Deck.

Message:  Trust that you have the resources to get through the challenges before you.


Interestingly, I pulled a spirit guides card and received the camel.  One of the lines I love from the book is "cast away your fears, doubts, and hesitations whenever they arise, leaving the wounds open to the sun to be burned away.  Ease your heart and mind and know that you are protected at all times."

I love that so much.  I am protected and watched over.  I just have to do my part and trust them to do theirs.  Right now my part is to keep working on work and on my Midwives of Change stuff and do my love spell.

Sunday, February 27, 2022

February 27, 2022: Navigating by the Stars

 Follow Your Bliss

Sacred Traveler Oracle

First Impressions:  Being guided, uncanny knowing

Book:  Trust your gut, know that your life is divinely guided

Guidance:  You will be guided to the right place at the right time

Major Events this Week:  Nothing major planned this week, it will just be same old same old.


I've always believed in a larger force guiding my life, but it is very hard to believe that now with all that is happening in the world.  What larger power guided Putin to invade Ukraine and kill people?  What larger power means that Trump is still agitating?  How can I believe in a larger power when everything in the world seems to be going to hell in a handbasket.  It is hard to believe in love, in grace, or anything wonderful in the world today.  I feel like my heart is breaking.

Ace of Wands

February 27, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Meditation, creativity, third eye, flames

Book:  New ideas, arrival of inspiration, interconnectedness, manifestation

Guidance:   Open your heart to new beginnings


I love this card and the thought of opening myself to new beginnings.  I've been super depressed lately and bogged down with all the ickiness in the world, but I think it is time to let go of all of that and focus on the good that is in the world and what I can do to create a life that I love.  One big step that I have taken lately is to stop going out to stores as much.  During the pandemic, I wanted to go out because I felt trapped, but now that the world is opening back up, it is so much easier to just say no.  I don't need anything and the more stuff I surround myself with, the harder it is to be creative because there is no space to create.  

When I think about how life should be simple and should just come down to the basics, it reminds me that the more clutter there is in my head and in my house, the harder it is to be creative.  I need to work to open up room to create.  I think that is going to be my focus for the next little while, opening up space to create.

Where I'm At:  It is a clear and beautiful Sunday morning out and I'm sitting on the couch hanging out with the doggos.  Clark is snuggled under the sleeping bag and Wendy is on the orange chair.  It feels peaceful today despite all the crap that is going on in the world.

Weather:  It is clear and a little warmer today as it is 35 degrees

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 am / 6:15 pm


January 31, 2022

Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Passionate, creative, entering the creative zone

Book:  Excitement, creativity, a spark, new beginnings

Guidance:  Take advantage of the spark of creativity

Where I'm At:  I'm home and I am so flipping sick of the snow.  There is over a foot outside and we are supposed to get 14 inches later this week.  It seems as if it will never go away.  However, now that I've gotten that gripe out of the way, I am sitting in my cozy living room and the warm sun is warming my shoulders.  the sun also makes it look extra light outside as the sun reflects off of it.  

Mood:  I'm actually in a good mood as I'm digging out from the pile of work I'm under.  Today is kind of a slow day and I have a two hour meeting where I will be able to just listen and work on other tasks.  The Tarot Conference is also coming up on Saturday so I'm excited about that.  I also finished my homework and submitted it on time for my classes.

Weather:  It is 30 degrees and clear out and the sun is streaming through the window.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent

Sunrise/Sunset  7:39 am / 5:40 pm

I needed a reminder about creativity today and about finding that spark of inspiration.  I've been feeling so down and depressed lately with the snow, COVID, being trapped in the house and all the rest.  It feels like all of my energy goes to "practical" things, but I'm realizing that I need to make time to be creative.  I need to make time to paint (even if I do it badly), to write, to take photos of the snow, and to let creativity flow though me.  

I also need to remind myself that work is not creative.  Even though I may be playing with PowerPoint and putting my thoughts on paper, that is not true creativity.  That is enslaved creativity.  True creativity is when I do something for the pure joy of creating.  Crocheting counts as creativity, painting counts as creativity, writing for fun counts as creativity.  I may need to go back to scheduling artist's dates to be creative.

August 28, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Lighting the way, light in the darkness

Book: Brilliant sunrise, life, creative passion

Guidance:  Take action and follow your bliss


For me, the Ace of Wands is that divine spark of inspiration, that magical moment when an amazing thought comes to you out of nowhere and it creates magic.  It is the first time that humans realized they could make a torch by lighting fire from a lightening strike and there was portable light.  It's Ben Franklin discovering electricity.  It's all those times when an amazing thought come to people and they acted upon it to make reality. 

One of the things we all need to learn about that divine spark is that we need to nurture it, protect it and help it grow beyond the little flame at the end of a stick.  We need to work with others to help it grow and become something real.  Sometimes I think there is a potential to want to protect our little spark baby too much and not share it. When that happens, the spark might end up dying and not coming into fruition.  However, having too many people or the wrong people involved in nurturing  the spark can also be a bad thing as that can mean that the little spark gets smothered or that people with no creativity may put the spark out because they don't believe in it.  I know there have been times in my life when the little spark was doused because someone (usually John or Charlene) doused it and made me feel as if my dreams didn't matter or like they were unattainable. 

One of the best things about living the life I live now is that I own my dreams and I am responsible for whether or not they come true.  Additionally, I get to choose the people that I have in my life which means that I only choose people who nurture and support my dreams and don't bring people into my life who are going to smash my dreams.  And if they do attempt to smash my dreams, they get kicked out of my life.


I'm grateful that the presentations went well
I'm grateful for the opportunity to talk to John
I'm grateful for the safe drive home
I'm grateful for the opportunity to connect school and home
I'm grateful for getting to talk to my colleagues in person
I'm grateful the org impact session went well

July 31, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot


This card feels like a beacon telling me that my creativity does have value and that I need to nurture it and see where it will take me.  I've been working on more creative things lately like my tarot of change book, poetry, blogging, etc.  The problem is that I just feel so weak and tired all the time and have absolutely no energy.  Hopefully, the detox we are doing will help address that issue and I will start feeling better.

Inspiration for me can come from so many places as I get inspired by nature, I get inspired by learning new things, and I get inspired by thinking of all the good stuff that the world has to offer.  For me all of those things are tied together and when I am in a good space and have energy, I let my creativity roam and life is very good.

The Ace of Wands can also be about letting the fire burn and burn away that which no longer serves me.  It can be about choosing to let go of anger and pain and all that is holding me back.

I'm grateful for the yummy detox soup
I'm grateful for John's help
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for getting paid
I'm grateful for being able to pay my bills


June 1, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot


I love this card because it feels like the fire in my soul is being lit by all the fires of the universe.  For me it is a reminder to take inspiration from wherever I can find it.  Some days that inspiration will come from within my soul and other days it will come from those around me.  As I think about that spark of inspiration, I'm reminded of the importance of being vulnerable and being open to sharing with others.  When we are open with others and admit our weaknesses and strengths, we can feed off of one another and propel ourselves to greater things that any of us could become alone.

One of the things that I've found to be true in life is that drama really kills the creative spirit because it takes all of the inspiration and instead of feeding creativity, it feeds the drama and that is all that everyone thinks about and notices.  I've been working so hard lately to live a drama free life and to not let myself get all caught up in who said what and about who thinks what.  I used to be such a drama llama and I'm realizing that it was because I thought I was nothing unless everyone was noticing me so I would create or embrace drama because I got validation and people were paying attention to me.  However, since I've let go of the need to be the center of attention, my life is so much more peaceful.

Letting go of drama has also helped me to find time to be creative and to learn more about myself and the more I let go of the drama, the more time and energy that I have to feed my soul and to feed my creativity.  I have to really honest and say that John fed my drama queen attitudes because it was difficult to get attention from him unless we were fighting.  Drama became an addiction and when there was no drama, life felt drab and meaningless.  I've learned since that life without drama is really good because it lets me relax and have peace in my soul.

Sunday, February 20, 2022

Week of February 20, 2022: Solitude

 Deck:  Sacred Traveler Oracle Cards

First Impressions:   Solitude, rest and recuperation

Affirmation;  In silence, peace prevails

Book:  In silence, you'll find self-awareness and inner peace,,

Guidance:  Slow down and make time for yourself

Major Events this Week:  Nothing major planned this week, it will just be same old same old.


Interesting to pull this card along with the four of swords as my daily card.  The message I'm getting is to slow down and take care of myself.  I don't need to be going 100 miles a minute every second of the day.  It is also interesting to get these cards as I have been taking time to contemplate slow and realizing that life is so much better when I do move slowly and take time to heal.  The one good thing the pandemic has brought is more time at home and more solitude.  I know that I am less likely to go out just to go out and I've really cut down on the shopping to shop.  It feels i have pulled back my energy to what really matters.

Sleep has also been calling me and I know that as my body heals from emotional trauma, sleep is regenerating as it lets my body heal.  The other aspect of this card that appeals to me is that she is gazing into a pound or bowl of water.  That suggest dreaming and receiving messages.

Friday, February 11, 2022

Nine of Swords

   February 11, 2022

Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Receiving, making decisions, non-rational material, nightmares

Book:  Anxiety, terror, nightmares, obsession

Guidance:  Don't make decisions from a position of anxiety


I needed this card today as the toilet overflowed and was running for three or four hours, which means that the floor got soaked and it flooded the downstairs.  My immediate reaction of course was panic and that I need to get it all dried out, etc. etc.  However, we turned off the water and I was able to take a step back and let go of the panic and deal with the situation.  Cam cleaned up the junk downstairs and got rid of 7 bags of paper and garbage.  That was something we needed to do and would not have happened if we hadn't had the floor.

I also called the plumber and he will be out Wednesday, I'm renting a blower to dry out the basement, and we'll call an electrician to look at the light.  it is all good and we will make it all work.  It was really hard to take a step back and look at this from a rational perspective and not an emotional and panicky response.  I think I've just felt like I've gotten body blow after body blow this week so it was hard.

Where I'm At:  I'm home this week sitting in  my house that feels like it is falling down around me, but this is what it means to be a homeowner and I will make it work.

Mood:  I was in a super bad and horrible mood this morning after dealing with the toilet, but I'm in a much better mood today.

Weather:   It is 39 and rainy.  The snow is getting dark and gross

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 76%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:26 PM / 5:55 PM


April 29, 2020

This was an interesting card combination as I pulled it as I was thinking about how sad I was to be leaving my job and moving on and about how afraid I was that I wouldn't do well at my new company.  I literally had those thoughts, then pulled the cards.  What I loved about these cards is they matched what I was feeling, but gave me a very hopeful and thoughtful message.  The Nine of Swords from The LightSeer's tarot  is all about nightmares and perceiving things are a disaster when they really aren't.  This card is a reminder to set worry off to one side and focus on the positive.  One of the things that I remind myself of when I'm feeling like no one will like me or I don't know what to do, etc.  is to remind myself that my new boss and my new team has an incentive to want me to succeed.  They want me to do well so that they do well.  They would not have hired me if they thought I was going to fail because that is way too much work for them.  Everyone wants me to succeed and they are going to be rooting me the whole time.  I have to remind myself of that when I start to beat myself up and think poorly of myself.  I also have to remind myself that it will take a while to settle in at Nestle and that that's okay.

Once I've looked at things and faced reality, the Loss card from the Journey Oracle reminds me that it really is okay to let myself grieve and let myself be sad and grieve if there is really a loss to be grieving.  All the work I've done on grief and loss this year reminds me that it really is okay to let myself feel what I need to feel.  I don't have to be superwoman.

September 30, 2019

Note:  The last few days and tomorrow will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question:  What is the new world that is being revealed?

First Impressions:  Fears, light, not being able to sleep

Book:  Worries are not real

Dark Goddess Book:  Fear is getting in the way of seeing the truth

Guidance:  Time will bring clarity

Dark Goddess Guidance:  Separate what you wish for, what you expect, and what you dread in order to see clearly


I'm realizing that there is a world out there where I will be able to express my fears and move on with my life.  Sometimes I think it is holding in our fears that holds us back.  My greatest fear is that I am fundamentally unlovable and that there is something wrong with me.  However, I'm realizing through reading books like the Shadow Daughter and others that there is nothing wrong with me.  I am a beautiful, loving, funny, and amazing person.  It is not my fault that my mother cannot love me and treat me with the respect I deserve.  That is about her and is not a fundamental flaw in who I am.  Even though I've grown tremendously in the last few years, I'm realizing that there has always been a little piece of my soul that has believed I am unworthy of love because of how my mother raised me.  However, I now know that that is not true and that she is incapable of truly loving.  It makes me sad and i feel compassion for her, but at the end of the day, it is not about me at all.

Rereading her letter through grownup eyes instead of the eyes of a child helped me to realize that my perceptions are correct as the letter was all about her and about her need to have her family.  It was not about us at all, instead it was about how her friends are having great grandkids so she wants great grandkids to show off.  It is as if we were to be used as pawns in her game of one upmanship with her friends instead of being appreciated for who we are.  That's a cold and harsh reality and I know that there is a little part of me that wishes it wasn't so and that hopes I'm wrong, but I'm not wrong and that is really who she is.  I don't need that in my life anymore.

The Banshee tells me to acknowledge those dark bits of my soul, but to let go of them and to know that they are fears and that I am can let go of them and let them fly off into the night like her crows.


I'm grateful that Sean got home safely
I'm grateful for bundt cakes with the fam
I'm grateful that I got to Minster safely
I'm grateful for the awesome drive with the top down


September 24, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Nightmare, being kept up at nights

Book:  Truth will come with morning

Guidance:  Most of our fears are illusions.  Time will bring clarity


This is an interesting card for me because I do a good job of getting myself swirly about what I think is going to happen, then I waste a lot of time worrying which makes my life more difficult.  Then most of the time the thing I was worried about doesn't even happen.  I was annoyed and pissed off about the thought of having to go to Nidec, then St. Louis.  Well my trip to St. Louis got postponed so I will actually get some time at home.  That has happened to me so many times lately where I have worried and agonized over something that did not come to fruition. 

One of the things that I need to remind myself to do is to take a deep breath when I start to get swirly.  Most of the things that I worry about don't end up happening.  And even if they did end up happening, most of them are manageable anyway.  And sometimes when I do drop a ball, that's okay as most of the balls I drop are not the end of the world.  Most of them are things that don't even matter.  I do keep my eyes on the big balls and the ones that matter and I work hard not to drop those balls.

One of the reasons that I'm so swirly right now is that my biggest nightmare is being stuck in this job.  I'm tired of traveling and it is taking a huge toll on my life.  It is hard to form relationships, I feel trapped, etc. etc.  However, if that is the message that I'm putting out there, it's no wonder that I'm miserable.  I need to start asking for what I want instead of bitching about what I don't have.  Once Cam's trial is over, I am going to start doing some major job magic.


I'm grateful for the good sessions
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather out
I'm grateful for watching NCIS
I'm grateful that I'm employed
I'm grateful that I have peace and quiet
I'm grateful for making decisions that are in my best interests
I'm grateful that Cam is okay
July 7, 2019

Deck: World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Nightmares, confronting our deepest fears, terrifying visions, anxiety,

Guidance:  Look to your intuition for guidance


I've been binge watching Anthony Bourdain lately and it has me thinking about nightmares and those thoughts that wake you in the middle of the night and convince you that you can't go on.  I've had my share of dark nights of the soul and there have been a lot of times that I am convinced that I can't wake up one  more morning and go about my pathetic little life.  I've convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, but since I've ended up in the hospital for those thoughts and have endured the worst of the worst, I've realized that life does go on and in most cases it does get better.  I hold Anthony Bourdain close because he is a reminder that what people see is not always what's real.  People who may appear to the outside world as if they have it all together often don't.  They are often struggling and hurting inside and no one knows what's going on inside their souls.

Souls can be scary places to navigate and it is often in the deepest darkest recesses of our souls that we encounter shame, guilt, and self-hatred.  There are monsters in our souls and they often originated outside of ourselves in the voices of people who told us that we couldn't do something, or that we weren't good enough, or that we were bad, or a million other lies.  If we are told such lies often enough, we begin to believe them.  Those lies seep into our soul and mingle with our own traces of self doubt until they are stronger than we would like and they whisper to us in the dark of the night that we're not worthy, that the world would be a better place without us.  It doesn't matter how smart we are, how strong we are, how competent we are as those voices in the night can convince us we are nothing.

The voices often show up during the day as well, but it is easier to ignore them in the light.  It is easier to surround ourselves with people who can boost our ego and remind us that we are okay.  It is easier to tally up our accomplishments and realize we matter.  The sunlight shines bright light into the corners and chases away the boogeyman.  However, if we don't do the hard work of therapy and self discovery, we may not be able to drive the shadows out of our soul.

RIP Anthony Bourdain

April 9, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Nightmares, anxiety

Book:  Despair, sorrow, nightmares, grief, death

Guidance:  Prepare for the worst situation, could not have been avoided, are things as bad as they appear?


I always view this card as a reminder that nightmares happen.  It does not mean that they are reality.  I need to let go of my fears and worries and focus more on what I can control.  I can't control what Darshan does, I can't control what Gadino does.  The only person I have agency over is me.  I spend so much time worrying about what other people do and say when in reality there is nothing I can do to control others.

December 29, 2018

I needed this reminder today.  I am all swirly over John when in reality there is nothing I can do.  He is no longer my problem.  His health is no longer my problem.  His financial issues are no longer my problem.  Absolutely nothing that he does is my problem and I need to let go and let whatever happens happens. 

November 21, 2017

Deck:  Gilded tarot

First Impressions: 

Book:  Crossing her arms to protect her heart, troubled by big problems

Guidance:  Reach out and get the comfort and wisdom you need, allow someone to guide and comfort you


I need to hear this reading about asking for help.  I don't do such a god job of asking for help.  I tend to hold things in and not let other people in.  The only time I ever truly let people in was right after my divorce and I was so shattered and broken.  The pain was so tremendous that I could not contain it.  I spewed because this pain was horrible.  However, as I've healed, I've receded into myself.  I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. 

I'm not a recluse and it is not as if I've been hiding in a hovel and never venturing out.  I go out and I interact, but I'm standoffish and not thrilled about doing the work it takes to know people.

November 25, 2017

I need to make some time for me.  I am so caught in in Cam that I'm not taking care of me.  I need to step back from her and trust she is in the Goddess' hand.  I need to let go of my need to hold on so tight.  If I don't make time to take care of me, I will end up angry and resentful.  I also need to let go and trust.

November 9, 2018

It's so interesting that this theme of vulnerability has been coming up again and again.  I need to start trusting people and letting them in.  I think knowing that I can be fierce will help me to be vulnerable and to let people in.  This year is going to be all about exploring vulnerability and being more open with other people.  I'm really scared about this, but I know it is something that I really need to do.


November 8, 2017

Deck; Gilded tarot

First Impressions:

Book:  Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out

Guidance:  Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you


It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people.  I reached out to the UU's stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me.  Not one of the people reached out to say, "Hope your daughter is okay."  Instead they just harassed me and were rude.  Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.

November 20, 2017

I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way.  What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt?  I would have said I'm sorry and asked what I could do.  However, not one of those bitches did that.  I don't want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it.  It isn't that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.

October 26, 2018

I'm getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true.  My daughter was abducted and assaulted.  There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead.  Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.

December 12, 2017

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot
Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds.  When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that's what this card makes me think of.  In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her.  This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book:  If you would known, do not fear to see.  Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries.  She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance:  Do not give fears a priority when making a decision.  Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.


What a perfect card to pull today.  Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the "I'm fired" path.  That makes no sense at all because I've been billable and we're gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went.  I'm learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do.  I'm so mean to myself even when I've done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am.  I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

  • Stop what I'm doing and breathe
  • Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
  • Roll with the situation and see what comes of it
December 28, 2017

I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that's something easy I can remember.  I've come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I'm not there yet.  The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I've felt.  Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can't react or I won't have a job.  It's one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.  

However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I'm no longer in an abusive relationship.  It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault.  I'm learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.

My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way.  It is all a process and the best thing is that I don't have to have all the answers right now.
April 24, 2016

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot
Deck:  Gaian tarot


The nine of air is a card of deep sorrow and grieving.  As my physical strength has been stripped away, I find I have no energy for pretense or illusion.  There is a deep grief at the core of my being:  grief over my desire for happily ever after, grief over the fact that I am alone.

This card is about all that binds me to the past.  It is also about trusting that she will take care of me.  It is about letting go and being willing to sacrifice my dreams.  That's hard for me as I'm scared of being alone and I feel my life isn't valuable if I'm alone.  However, the flip side is that I am so afraid of being hurt that I don't let people in.  Even though it is lonely, it is so much easier to hold people at arm's length then to let them in.  I guess I just have to trust the goddess.

December 24, 2017

This card still resonates with me as I find myself clinging to the old ways of doing things and my old thought patterns.  She has appeared to me multiple times to tell me to let go and I have started to let go, but sometimes when I get scared or stressed, I start clinging to things that I shouldn't cling to.

Popular Posts