Thursday, September 15, 2022

Nine of Wands

 September 14, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as it is so playful with a cat or other animal hiding behind the algea or rosemary.

Book:  Although this path is long and winding, my path remains clear

Guidance:   Safeguard your heart and body


This is an interesting card as I do know that I need to safeguard my body as I am feeling he effects of not taking care of myself.  I feel like my blood sugar is super high and I just feel rotten.  That's why I made the decision to not go out for a walk in the woods today as the ragweed count is high and it doesn't make sense to make myself sicker.  I really do need to make an effort to pay attention to my body.

The message about safeguarding my heart is one I am struggling with as I've always safeguarded my heart by putting barricades and I think in some ways it has hurt me.  I haven't let people in and I've made excuses to keep people out.  The one person I let truly in from a semi-romantic (well wishing more than anything) was B. and I ended up getting hurt because I don't even know if he cared about me.  That hurt when he was able to just stop being friends with me.

Where I'm At:  I'm in Erie today.  I worked all day and then went to Smoky Bones for dinner.  I have to be honest and say it is getting hard to concentrate as this room is hot and there is so much new information to learn.

Weather:  It was nice out today.  The temperature was perfect and it wasn't rainy.  I sat outside for a bit after dinner and just watched the sky.  It was beautiful

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 81%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 /7:38


July 24, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Nine of Batons

First Impressions:  I love this image of the knight in his castle on the elephant defending his space.  It is fun and dreamy, but definately invokes protection.

Book:  Unassailable strength, position of security, powers in opposition

Guidance:   Stick to our guns


It's interesting that this card came up today, because it also came up in my trauma work yesterday.  The message in that case was sometimes it is easier to walk away than to expend all the energy in a losing fight.  As I reflect upon my marriage, I really wish I had been into taroting at the time because I was expending a whole lot of energy in a losing fight.  As I reflect back, I realize that there was no way I was going to be happy in that marriage.  We had two different ideas of what happiness was.  For me, happiness is reading, taroting, cleaning, spending time being myself.  For John, happiness was very much an external activity as he enjoyed being around people, going places, and being an extrovert.

The thing is that I don't always believe that introverts and extroverts are incompatible, but they were for us because he did not value my way of being.  He thought his way was the only way and when one person is so dogmatic that they cannot accept the other person for who they are, things won't work.  However, there are other battles that are work staying and fighting like the battle over Roe.  However, I don't believe that protests are the way to go.  Protests do not change minds because everyone is speaking to their peers and people who believe the same thing they do.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home sitting in my messing living room.  However, today it feels like a good mess because I've been working on cleaning the house and moving the energy.  And anytime you actually move the energy, the house starts to feel better.  It isn't perfect yet, but it is starting to feel better.

Weather:  It's 84 out, but feels like 90.  I was thinking of going to an abortion rights rally, but I'm not sure.  I really just like hanging out at home and puttering.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 15%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:12 / 8:53 PM


April 5, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Standing sentry, guarding her territory, fences make good neighbors

Book:  Determination, defiance, resilience, last defense

Guidance:  Needing a break from the monotony of being protective


I feel like I am always on guard and that I always have my shields up ready to defend the people that I love.  I feel like I'm never able to relax, let my guard down and just be.  It also feels like there is always more work to do.  However, I know from the past that always having your shields up is not a good position to be in because you get stuck and defensive.  I feel like I'm always watching my back and the news does not help as it feels the world has become a very unsafe place.  

One of the things that I need to learn to do is surrender and let go of my need to control everything.  I need to quit fighting some battles that don't need to be fought. And I'm doing the thing that i always do when I think about letting go, I'm making it about the worst case.  I say I need to surrender and my mind goes to "well the Ukrainians shouldn't surrender..."  However, that is not the battle I'm talking about and I know it.  My surrender is about surrendering to circumstances and what's going on in my life.  I do not live in Ukraine and my surrendering is not about life and death. 

I need to learn that some sayings / life meanings are contextual and don't really apply to every single context.  Surrendering to where I'm at right now is not surrendering to be murdered by Putin.  It means surrendering to the fact that this is the job and the life that I have right now and that there are things I can do to change it, but right now I need to let go.  I need to surrender to the fact that M is annoying, that I'm not going to be with B, that my financial situation is what it is.  M and even YMAN are not Putin.  They are not going to murder me in my sleep.  Surrendering and accepting that they are who they are is not surrendering to be murdered in  my sleep.  Surrendering to the fact that there are peopel I am never going to like and who are not going to like me is not surrendering to have my house bombed.

I need to learn to surrender to where I'm at and who I am.  That doesn't mean I can never change my life, but it means surrendering to the fact that I have diabetes and really need to give up sugar.  It means surrendering to the fact that I'm not perfect.  Surrendering to the fact that B isn't going to do what I want  him to do.

I think I need to have a ritual of surrender and make a list of all the things I need to surrender to.

Where: It's morning and I'm sitting on the couch with Wendy watching the sun come up (okay, it's been up for a while, I'm just watching it get higher in the sky.'s time for Wendy to go out!

Weather:   It's a little chilly out, but not too bad and the sun is shining so maybe it will actually be a nice day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 17%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:03 am / 7:56 pm


October 5, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Crawling the last few steps

Book: Enduring many challenges, close to completion of the journey

Guidance:  Hang in there, you have learned many lessons and are close to completion


There have been so many days lately where it feels as if I will never reach a place of peace and happiness.  There have been so many trials and tribulations and it feels as if the burdens just keep piling on instead of being removed.  This card is about being battered and bruised, but digging deep within to find the strength to keep going.  I've been in this place many times before and I've always been able to dig down and find that little bit more to keep persevering.  However, this time it feels as if there is no more, as if the well is dry and there is nothing more to find within my reservoir.  I don't even know who I can lean on in this time of deep soul pain.  And it feels as if I am not only bearing my own soul pain, but I'm also bearing Cam's as well.

This card is telling me that I can make it, that I can find what I need to push past the finish line and be successful.  I don't know where I'll find that little bit more, but I will keep looking for it and I will just keep pushing forward.  Interestingly, what they are telling me is that it is not about finding a little bit more right now, the key for me right now is to lean on my staff and to take a breather.  The key for me in this card is to know when to stop and take a breather and when to continue pushing forward.  There is no point in reaching the goal if I am going to collapse across the finish line.  True wisdom and knowledge is knowing when to push and knowing when to pull back.

Now is a time when I need to pull back, when I need to rest and not continue to push.  I need to take a break and let myself be human.


I'm grateful for getting my paper finished
I'm grateful for taking a great walk
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm greatful for getting the doggo room cleaned out

July 5, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Fending people off, protecting oneself, defensive

Book:  Dedication, discipline, and persistence have prepared you for whatever comes your way, how much of your defensiveness is paranoia over the past

Guidance:  Do not always be on high alert


WOW!  This is an amazingly insightful card and I was feeling a little angry and put out today because it feels like all I do is cleanup.  I was in a lot of ways comparing where I am now to the past, but this is nothing like the past.  The people who aren't cleaning up aren't being spiteful and don't think I should do it all, they just don't see the mess the same way I do.  Where it is important to me to clean it up right away, they do not have the same level of need to clean things up. It doesn't mean that they don't value me or the house, it just isn't a priority for them.

I also need to stop assuming that because people don't answer my emails right away or don't get back to me that they are working to sabotage me behind my back.  It could just mean that they are busy.  The funny thing is that I always gave John the benefit of the doubt about his working behind my back and he was the biggest saboteur of all.  He worked to sabotage my relationship with the kids, my job, my self image, and anything else he could sabotage.  I always gave him a pass because "I did something wrong" or he had a hard childhood or any other bullshit excuse I could come up with.  However, the truth came out in the death throes of our marriage when he admitted that he wanted to take me down a few notches.

He thought I thought I was better than him so he wanted to bring me down to his level.  However, what I have realized in the eight years since we've been divorced is that there is no way he could ever bring me down to his level because I outclass him all the way around and that is not arrogance talking, that is reality.  I am a nicer person, I am more responsible, I have more grit than he could ever hope to have, and I work harder.  I'm the one that maintained a relationship with the kids and made sure they were taken care of through college.  It has taken me a long time to say that and be confident that it is the truth, but I know that it is the truth and that it is not arrogant or stuck up to say it because it is factual.

April 10, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Waiting, battle weary, fortress

Book:  Ready to face opponents, resting before returning to fighting, determination, courage, strength through adversity

Guidance:  Time to rest and collect your thoughts, success is the only possible outcome


One of the messages I need to take from this is that I need to pick my battles.  Not every battle is worth fighting!  Wow!  That was pretty prophetic as someone online really pissed me off by posting a long interpretation about a post I'd made.  I wasn't looking for any interpretation, I was just putting my thoughts out there, but this moron proceeded to give me his interpretation.  I then thanked everyone but him for their comments and he got pissy and said I won't reply to your stuff anymore.  I really wanted to reply and say, "Good!"  However, that would have been petty.  I'm just going to let it go and not disrupt the peace of the board.  I'm not sure why some jackass felt the need to post and interpret my cards, but I don't need his response and if I could remove it, I would.  Not responding is such a difficult thing to do.  I love to have the last word, but some people aren't worth it and he wasn't worth it.

December 29, 2018 Review

In retrospect, maybe it would have been worth it to post and remind him that I didn't not ask for comments and that I was perfectly capable of interpreting my cards myself.  One of the things that I have learned this year is that I need to start evaluating whether I am not speaking up and defending myself because I want to keep the peace or because I am afraid of conflict.  My response to the jackass in Chicago who commented on my body made me feel so empowered! 

I know that in the past, I would have pulled my coat tighter and scurried off like a little mouse because I was afraid.  I would have been seething and angry inside, but I would have been a) afraid to provoke him, b) afraid to hurt his feelings, and c) afraid of what people would think of me.  All of those are totally bullshit responses.  My mother conditioned me to put everyone else's feelings ahead of mine and I would have done that even with this worthless piece of rude shit.  However, no more.  His feelings were not more important than mine.  He was a worthless piece of shit with no manners and my speaking out was the right thing to do.  Even if he thought I was a bitch, that didn't matter.  What mattered is how empowered that I felt.

December 15, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Resting

Book:  Not expecting failure, puzzled, retreat and regroup, take time to reflect, withdraw, to heal , to learn.  Not letting his guard down, stick to his guns, a survivor

Guidance:  Hold the fort, learn from the past, stick to your guns


I know I'm right in the mom situation and I know expanding more energy on her will only hurt me, but the little girl in me wants a mom who is willing to concede and wants to regress to a little girl.  I can't do that.  I have come too far and worked too hard to get where I am.

The grownup part of me realizes she is toxic and will never change.  She is stuck in the mother knows best mindset and she is unwilling to learn a new way.  One of the things I have learned from program is that you can only help the willing.  It is not that I am leaving her.  I am shining a light and she is unwilling to follow.  She is stuck in denial and defensiveness and is unwilling to seek or accept help.

July 1, 2018  Review

Although I'm not proud of my behavior the last few days and I've had a few tantrums and not been very nice to be around, at the end of the day, I have accepted that I have behaved like an ass and I'm working to make amends and repair my relationships.  I did have my moments of defensiveness where I was angry that Cam said I was just like my mother and I was angry at her, but then I took a step back and realized that I was behaving like my mother and I wasn't liking what I was seeing in the mirror.

Even though I did not do it perfectly and even though I behaved like an ass, I am proud of myself for taking the step back and realizing that I could do better and that I needed to do better.  I am not perfect, but I am a human becoming and that is a good thing.
November 7, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First impressions:  Contemplation

Book:  Full of fire and ready to fight another day, refusing to ask others for help, resistance to change

Guidance:  Ask for help, be open to change


This card is about the hard won courage that comes from sticking to our guns when it would be so easy to give in and give up.  I have to be honest and say I feel that way today.  After my mother's guilt trip yesterday, it would be so easy to give in and play the good daughter.  But I can't go back to having her question everything I do, especially as she isn't even mature enough to accept that she's doing it.  I need people who are loving and supportive in my life, not people who constantly tear me down.  However, part of me says I should just let go and accept who she is.

September 1, 2018 Review

What I know now after a lot of introspection, a lot of journaling, and a lot of hard conversations with myself is that accepting who she is and keeping her out of my life are not mutually exclusive.  She is not good for me and having her in my life is detrimental to my mental health.  However, I have also had to accept that I need to let go of her and not think that she will be the person I need her to be in my life because she is incapable of that.  She doesn't have the self awareness or the skills to be the loving, kind, and nonjudgmental person that I need in my life.  And it is okay for me to not have her in my life as an act of self preservation.
May 14, 2016

Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Nine of Fire, Card pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Im in alignment with the universe and the kundalini energy is flowing through me.  I'm able to get myself into sacred space where life flows

Book:  Self confident, at peace with myself, radient yet humble, able to handle whatever comes my way.


It is interesting because despite all the reversed cards I've drawn lately, this is where I'm at most days.  I'm at peace with myself and feel like I'm in a good space.

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