Monday, June 27, 2022

Three of Pentacles

June 27, 2022

 The Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This strikes me as an odd three of pentacles as it is a single person and the whole light saber thing is kind of weird.

Book:  Mastery, planning, competence, teamwork, productivity, commitment

Guidance:   By learning from others and connecting with community, you can truly grow


What's interesting to me about this card is how my tarot mind rebels against how it is portrayed.  The three of pentacles is about collaboration and working with others and this card doesn't portray that.  This card shows one person working alone and even though the book talks about collaboration, the visual doesn't show that and I've learned that tarot is all about the visual.

Funny thing is that I am all about working by myself and not collaborating.  I hate playing second fiddle and I hate playing second fiddle.  What I'm realizing is that I really am ready to lead and to drive and I'm ready for that opportunity.  Now, how do I get there?

Where I'm At:  I'm home and it was an amazingly beautiful day.  I sat outside with the dogs for a while and it was beautiful out and we all just enjoyed the sun.  There was also just enough of a breeze to make my windchimes chime and they have the most amazing resonance.

Weather:  It was an amazingly beautiful day today.  The sun was perfect and there was just a little bit of a breeze.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 2%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:52 pm / 9:05 pm


April 25, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Collaboration, helping one another, fun colors, genuine liking

Book:  Finding meaning in work, cooperation, talent

Guidance:  Use the right tool for the job


This is a hard card for me as I like to have my own little sphere of influence and I hate it when people step on my toes.  That is why I am good at process work as I do a great job collaborating with people who are upstream and downstream from me, but I don't do a good job of collaborating with people who do the same job as I do because I want to do my job in a way that I see fit and I don't want people telling me what to do.  That's a big part of the reason that I struggle with the Evil M as she is incredibly bossy and wants to drive how everyone does things.  I hate that as I have learned from my work experience that we are not robots and that we all need the latitude to tweak how we do things.

What I've come to realize is that this is not a character flaw and that it is really just accepting of how life is.  I used to want everyone to follow the same processes, but then Ted told me that that was taking away people's ability to be creative and to like their job.  And that really resonated with me and I found it so true.

Where: I'm home this week and I am off work today and tomorrow so that I can finish my papers that are due.  One is due and turned in, one is almost complete, and one is outlined.

Weather:  It is a little cold out and might rain, but it isn't horrible.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 28%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:29 am / 8:18 PM


March 11, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  I know it isn't meant to, but it looks like a stoplight.  I like this card because it takes out the religious symbolism of the cad.

Book:  Cooperation, community, teaching and learning, team work

Guidance:   Collaborate


Collaboration is hard for me.  I see the beauty of co-creating, but I have also been burned so many times by people who were supposed to have my back, but failed me.  There were school projects were people did not do their part, there were work projects where I was left holding the bag, and then there was my marriage.  We were supposed to be partners, but John was never capable of being my partner.  He was incapable of carrying his weight financially, but he refused to pick up he slack at home.  I never really cared about whether or not he made as much money as me, but I cared that he refused to contribute.  There were so many times when he refused to get a job and refused to take care of the house.  It was never fair that I had to carry the entire burden.  I still carry the bulk of the burden, but the kids are starting to step up.

However, when I reflect on my life, there have been times when I have known true collaboration.  Project work is all about collaboration.  And my team mates at Da Bird are stepping up to do their part.  It is pretty cool to see.

Where I'm At: I'm sitting at home and I am so thankful that it is Friday.  It was a super rough week at work and I wasn't sure I would get though it.  But I did and I have two days off!  yeah.

Weather:   It is cold and snowy tonight

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 60%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:45 am / 6:28 pm


February 12, 2022

Tarot of the Divine

Card:  Three of Coins

First Impressions:  Working together, collaboration, magick happening when people work together

Book:  Studying, growth, collaboration, success, recognition

Guidance:  All things are possible through collaboration


This is an amazing card to pull today as I had a really good session with Dr. Perkins.  She made some great suggestions about my dissertation proposal that made sense and will help me have a good project that is important and doable within the time frame of a PhD.  I'm hopeful that I will actually see this project to fruition, then I don't know what's next for me.  It's funny that for me the allure of the PhD is not about the degree and being "Dr. Shakti."  it is about learning and researching and putting information together in new and different ways.  I have a good feeling about where this is going to lead.

Where I'm At:  I'm home and utterly exhausted.  I know it is trauma exhaustion a I pulled some cards and did some journaling today about trauma.  This is a familiar feeling as after really good and healing acupuncture sessions, I would feel this same exhaustion.

Mood:  I'm in a good mood today even if I am tired.  Wendy is healing, we're getting the house clean.

Weather:   It is 21 and snowy.  It's also overcast and glooming as the sun is getting ready to set.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 84%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:25 PM / 5:56 PM


January 30, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Joy, happiness, sharing, making music together

Book:  Studying, growth, collaboration, respect

Guidance:  Learn from one another

Where I'm at:  I'm at home, snuggled up on my sofa with Clarkie snoring away at the other end.  I also have a candle burning on my 2022 altar and I'm enjoying the peace that comes with having the house mostly to myself this morning.  I've spent the last hour working on my assignment for my comparative religion research class and I'm realizing how much I love research.

Mood:  Overall, I'm in a good mood today as I'm taking time to just relax and enjoy the day.  However, I do have a killer headache and I'm not sure if it is from traveling or something else.

Weather:  It's cold and clear with a temperature of 20 and a real feel of 14.  And we are supposed to get even more snow.  I think there has been more snow this year than any year that I recall.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 1% illumination

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:40 am / 5:39 pm


As I'm reflecting on this, I often focus on the learn from others aspect of this card and do not think about learning from one another in the sense that I also have something to share.  I am in an interesting place at work lately as I'm being called upon to mentor and share my knowledge more than every before.  That has historically been a challenge for me as I like to be special and hold my knowledge close to the chest.  However, I'm realizing that if I want to move up and have different responsibilities, I need to be willing to help others learn how to do what I do now.   I was thinking the other day about the people I have learned the most from in my life and I realize that it is the people who shared their knowledge that I looked up to.  It was the willingness to share openly that made them special and not the knowledge itself.  All of these folks also treated me with respect and as if my lack of knowledge was just that, a lack of knowledge and not a personal failing.  I'm looking forward to moving to a new role and helping others get better.

The other thing I'm realizing as I'm working on my research paper is that there are other ways to collaborate than being face to face in a room with other people.  Even though I've never met the authors of the articles I'm reading, I'm collaborating with them because we are sharing knowledge across time and space and I'm learning things and may have new ways of thinking about what they wrote.


 December 27, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Key Words:  #tarot three of coins learning from one another, collaboration, humility, room to grow, open to new ideas


This card speaks to the joy of collaboration and of knowing that people have your back and are there to support you.  It speaks to being open to new ideas and to letting those ideas flow.

As I am someone who always has to be in competition with someone, it is hard to collaborate and share ideas.  I'm currently working with someone who challenges me and constantly asks me to explain myself and justify my way of thinking.  I find this incredibly annoying as I'm used to doing things my own way and not having to collaborate or get agreement from a peer on how I do things.  There is a part of me that wants to dismiss everything she says because I do not like feeling challenged.  However, when I am able to see past my ego, I realize that some of her ideas are worth considering.

The funny thing about it is that I love to collaborate with people who have complementary roles, but I struggle when someone is "invading my space" or has skills that are in the same domain as mine.  When that happens, I want to draw a big boundary around what is mine.  This card is telling me that even if other people have good ideas, it doesn't mean that I am any less special.


August 13, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Pay Attention

Book:  Remembering Wholeness

Guidance:  Skill, knowledge, and spiritual awareness will manifest abundance


I initially picked this card because one of its associations is collaboration and for me this week is all about collaboration.  We all need to share knowledge and work together in order to create amazing things.  However, that being said, I belief it is also true that skill, knowledge, and spiritual awareness will manifest abundance and that is part of why I am in this class.  For me, I am starting to realize that true abundance has very little to do with the size of my paycheck.  My paycheck pays the bills and provides me with stuff, but it really doesn't bring me much abundance.  In fact, being unhappy at work is one of the worst feelings in the world because I put my whole heart and soul into work so when that positive emotion is not returned and I'm shit on, it's really hard for me to deal with and I've been shit on a lot lately.  However, none of that matters because at the end of the day it is just work and there are other jobs out there. 

What I have found so amazing about this week is how the ideas are flowing and how everyone is sharing and listening to each other.  I have learned so much about religion, spirituality, and health and it really makes me realize exactly how much I have to learn and made me realize how much I have to contribute if I can figure out how to get my PhD and make it work.  I don't know what that looks like and I don't know how to do it, but I will just keep opening up and listening to spirit and I will figure it out.


I'm grateful that Dr. Oliver was interested in my presentation
I'm grateful that Jason sat with me
I'm grateful that I didn't get pinged too much from work
I'm grateful for the yummy whoppers
I'm grateful for hanging out with Cam and chilling
I'm grateful to Sean for sending pics of the dogs
I'm grateful Charmin listened


July 22, 2019

Deck:  World Tarot

First Impressions:  Sharing, consulting, agreeing

Book:  Card of craftspeople and artisans, doing what you love enough to be supported by it, do work that honors you

Guidance:  Be prepared for hard work


It's interesting as I've always read this card as cooperation and working with others, but this card doesn't speak to it as it speaks to individual efforts.  I did go back to check the meanings in other books and there are books that read the card as collaboration, but this card doesn't and focuses on an individual's personal effort.  This gives me something different to think about as I had chosen this card in the hopes that it would inspire cooperation and teamwork.  Oddly, enough in a way it did as we did have a fairly peaceful day today without a lot of drama.

However, when I look at what the card based on this reading, I realize that this is yet another message that I'm at a turning point and that I need to be prepared for my life to change in a big way.  It makes sense because I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on what I want to be when I grow up and I know I want to write, I want to inspire people, but I don't know if I want to work one on one with people as that takes a lot of emotional energy.  I'm going to keep working with Cam on Cairn by Cairn and work on putting classes together and we'll see where it goes.


I'm grateful John showed me how to do the PDF thing
I'm grateful for a good Case for Change workshop
I"m grateful there was not much drama today
I'm grateful I have a mostly dark room
I'm grateful for the quiet tonight
I'm grateful for my lemon candle
I'm grateful for a great shower
I'm grateful for yummy sushi
I'm grateful for Rainier cherries and the amazing taste they have


April 16, 2017

 Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Collaborate

Book:  Body, mind, and spirit are linked in collaboration.  Having deals, being practical, persevering through obstacles

Guidance:  Cultivate a deep understanding, building a foundation

Affirmation:  I build a solid foundation


What a crazy day.  I was supposed to meet someone Cam knows at the library, but we ended up in lockdown.  I've been thinking about the topic of collaboration a lot.  I've also been thinking about faith and the need to truly trust.  I've been sabotaging myself by all the doubts and all the magick.  They would not have given me these feelings if it wasn't going to work.  That's all I need to know.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

I'm realizing that I'm not at peace with myself and that's part of why I am on edge.  I feel betrayed by my body and as a result of that feeling of betrayal, I abuse my body with sugar.  I feel like my poor body is crying out with pain, but I just push myself harder.  I don't honor my body.  I'm not even sure how to start:  massage, vitamin, or sleep?  meditation, lotion.  I think I start with being kind to myself.

January 14, 2022 Revisit

The day that we ended up locked in the library was the day that someone killed someone for no reason and broadcast it on Facebook.  The guy that was killed, Robert Godwin, was walking home and minding his own business when this fucker (and I'm not saying his name) pulled up and shot him in the face.  The shooter didn't know him or anything.  Our world is such a sick place sometimes.

On the other part of this, abusing my body, unfortunately I still do that.  My blood sugar and cholesterol are through the roof but I keep eating crap.  Part of it is because I'm busy, but part of it is that I'm so unhappy with my life that I eat sugar to feel better.  I think the thing I need to do to change is to find a way to like my life better.


December  29, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the way the man is holding the pentacles and checking them to make sure they are correct.  This card traditionally speaks to collaboration and working together.

Book:  Creating and delighting in the process, collaboration, Creating what you envision, skill and spiritual values, spiritual renovation.

Guidance:  Cooperate with others, new work from a spiritual perspective.


I love thinking about opening my soul to renovation.  To me that speaks of making something good even better.  I am finally starting to appreciate the beauty and wonder that is me.  I'm appreciating my strengths and my perseverance.  I have been given and amazing life and I am so far of how far I've come and all that I've gone through to get here. 

However I can also appreciate that my halo is a little dirty and could use some polishing.  I know that I have work to do in letting go and forgiving.  I'm also realizing I have work to do in accepting healing work as a valid way to spend my time.  I sometimes get so caught up in beating myself up for reading a book or reading my tarot cards that I forget that I'm human and my body needs rest and my soul needs this healing work.  Sitting here and reading cards and journaling is a valid way to spend my time.

I think I'm jealous because people with addiction get 30 days or so to work on healing and other bruised and broken people are expected to just pick themselves up and move on with no down time.  After my divorce, it would have been amazing to check out of life for 30 days and focus on healing.  It would have been awesome to have structured workshops on different aspects of healing and to have someone guide me through the process of becoming whole again.  I instead I was left to flounder and find my own path.  I am so fortunate that I found people to help me and guide me and now I may be being led to create a program to help others.  It truly is a sacred duty.

Dearest Ones,

Please guide me to create a program that will help others grow and change.  Help me find ways to make people's burdens just a little lighter.

December 29, 2017

The message I've been getting from my guides lately is that I need to focus on me and focus on what is helping me.  I can be an example to others to help them heal by following in my footsteps, but it is not time yet to be more active in creating something.  I need to do the prep work and build the foundation before I jump right in.  I'm really good at jumping right in, but I need to build my website slowly, build some class content because that's fun for me.  Continue helping Scott, but I don't need to jump in with both feet right now.


December 4, 2016

  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Losing all progress, being unbalanced, Arrogance, not needing anyone

Book: Inefficiency, working at cross purposes, state of inner and outer discord, exhausted, overworked, burned out, not taking enough care

Guidance:  Be aware of losing the magical connection to process and project, reconsider the team you are working with


Interesting guidance as I've been thinking about the team in my life and I'm realizing that I surround myself with users who don't give back.  John was a user, A can be a user to a certain extent, L is definitely a user.  My gives give back what they can, but I'm definitely carrying the heaviest load. 

I'm wondering if part of the reason I'm struggling with manifesting love and relationships is that I have nothing left to give.  I'm overdrawn emotionally and spiritually and there is no one to fill up my reserves and take care of me.  I'm really torn about mentoring someone right now because it feels as if it is someone taking from me without getting anything back and I don't have a lot to give right now.

I need to give some serous thought as to whether or not this is working and whether I can do it.  I have to give serious thought to how to refill my well.

January 23, 2018

The universe has been telling me lately that I'm running on empty and I need to recharge.  They are screaming this message at me as I left both my computer charger and the charger for my DVD player at home.  If that's not a big time screaming message that I'm out of energy, I don't know what is.  One of the ways this project has been really good for me is that I have had to rely on others and haven't been able to just jump in and do everything.  I've had to let others do the heavy lifting and that has been really difficult for me. 

Right now I'm working on ways to stop the energy drain and the first one is better boundaries to stop expending energy on random strangers.  That means tuning out the people who talk at me on planes, taking the bus instead of a cab when I can, and, if all else fails, telling people I don't have time to talk to them.  That sounds so rude, but right now I am in survival mode from an energy drain and I need to take care of myself.

I also need to find ways to recharge.  I'm glad the weather is getting better because I love to walk outside and that really helps me recharge my energy..  I'm also going to take my turns walking the Clarken.


October 27, 2016

Deck:  Fairy Tarot

First Impressions:  Learning from others, collaboration

Book:  Integrity and ethics, spirit of service, unity, combining vision, skill, and spiritual values, spiritual renovation

Guidance:  Learn from others, trust others


Perfect card for me to draw today.  This lawsuit threw me for a loop, but I received and instead of hiding from it, I stepped up and did what needed to be done.  I had to rely on my teammates and ask for help.  I also had to accept and realize that I have to breathe and I can't get all swirly.  Getting all swirly doesn't help a whole lot.  Again, pulling this card today has helped me stay focused.

May 25, 2018 Reflection

The lawsuit turned out to be a non-event.  The insurance company settled with the for $25K, which is a whole lot less than they were asking for.  This was a case of my turning it over, asking for help, and it all working out.  At the end of the day, there was nothing that I could really do about it so the only option that I had was to turn it over.

I wish the rest of life was so easy to turn over.  I let myself get all weird and swirly over stuff that I can't control and I need to stop.  I need to learn to breath and to turn things over.  Life is so much better when I am able to do that.

Friday, June 24, 2022

Queen of Cups

June 24, 2022

 Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card looks like Mary as the Queen of Heaven.  I love the flowers in the background and the heron and swan at her feet.  She looks kind, but also like she means business.

Book:  Compassion, boundaries, intuition, sympathy, understanding

Guidance:   Create boundaries that support filling your own cup before helping others


I needed to hear this as there is a big part of me that wants to rush off and dash headfirst into the abortion wars.  However, I need a to sit back, take a pause, and figure out the best way I can support the movement.  I don't believe that protesting works, but there are other ways I can help support abortion rights.  I need to just put it out there that I want to do my part and pray that the solution will come my way.

For right now, I need to take care of myself.  I need to pray, meditate, and do what I can do to put myself in a healthy mindspace.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home and I'm sad, furious, and feeling useless.  The fucking assholes on SCOTUS overturned Roe.  We knew it was coming, but it still feels like a body blow.  I don't know what I can do, but I am sad and angry.  I don't believe that protests work, but I don't know where else to spend my energy.

Weather:  It was actually a beautiful day out today as it wasn't too hot or too cold.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 18%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:51 / 9:05

June 25, 2022

It's interesting as after I wrote this, I found an article in about groups helping women fund abortion and one of them was a faith based group.  I'm going to start putting together a spreadsheet listing faith based pro and anti groups.  That will be an awesome foundation for my dissertation.


January 12, 2022

Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  MAMA, nurturing, take care of oneself

Book:  Surface of subconscious, Femininity, warmth, empathy, intuition

Guidance:  Connect to your intuition


Pulling Yemaya today makes me feel nurtured and cared for.  She tells me to make myself a cup of tea and to take care of myself.  She also is a reminder that she will be there to take care of me.  Of the deities I belong to, she is the one who is the most nurturing.  She is the one that will take me to her little cabin on the ocean, tuck me into bed, and make sure I am okay.  The Morrigan and Nephthys expect me to be a bad ass bitch, which I can be; but Yemaya knows that everyone needs their mama sometimes.

It feels like there are a lot of days I need my mama on a very primal level.  I need someone who cares about me and who asks if I am okay.  It isn't 100 percent accurate to say I don't have that in my life, because Cam is good at playing Mama, but it feels weird to let my kid take care of me, even if my kid is almost 30.  I think what I'm looking for is someone bigger than me, someone older, someone who is wise and nurturing and can wrap their arms around me and tell me it is going to be okay.  

August 7, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First impressions:  Filling my cup 

Book:  Accepting the flow of all emotions,

Guidance: Be authentic for all feelings are acceptable if we own them, be authentically in the moment with what is


I love this reminder to be authentic with our emotions and to own them.  My gut reaction to that statement is that sometimes it is too easy to wallow in our emotions.  However, when I am really honest with myself, the emotions that I wallow in are those that I don't understand.  When I am confused and feeling like I'm sad, but I'm really angry, I tend to wallow.  I wallowed a lot when John left because I was so overwhelmed and I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling. In retrospect, I really don't think that I was wallowing as much as much as I was seeking attention because I didn't think I was strong enough to survive on my own.  I was looking for someone to take care of me, because I didn't think I could take care of myself.  I also was uncomfortable at acknowledging that self loathing was a big part of what I was feeling at that time.  I didn't like how I looked, what I did, or who I was.  At the heart of who I was was a great big pile of uncomfortable shame.  And that was definitely not something I wanted to acknowledge.

When I am truly honest with myself, I know that I was playing the victim because I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me and I wanted someone to validate my feelings.  The kids are quick to point out that I obsess over things and when I take a step back, I realize that when I am obsessing I am wanting someone to validate my point of view or my emotions.  That is a symptom of my childhood where I was taught that my opinion didn't matter and that my thoughts only mattered if someone else validated them.  I am very slowly learning that that is not true, but it is still difficult sometimes to accept that my thoughts and opinions are valid and that I don't need anyone else to validate me.

What I have learned in the past eight years is that if I am honest and acknowledge my feelings right away, I don't get overwhelmed with them.  However, I did get overwhelmed when I wasn't honest about what I was feeling and when I let everything pile up and pile up.  I had all of this garbage deep in my soul and when my resistance finally broke down and I let it all out, it was very scary.

I'm grateful that I went out to dinner with the team
I'm grateful that Darshan is talking to Scott tomorrow
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for for getting the car packed
I'm grateful for sitting here listening to the Blues

December 11, 2017

Hag of Water
Dark Goddess Tarot
Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Hag of Water

First Impressions:  Just glancing at this card, it appeared as if Ran was feeding birds, but then I realized that she was underwater and that there was a person falling into the water.  Overall this card gives me a sense of despair and grief.

Book:  Goddess of the sea who claims lives when she is bored.

Guidance:  Surrender to the sea to find her hidden places, stop fighting the tide, make offerings to the depths, embrace our ability, you know where you belong, accept it.


The day I originally journaled I was really upset with my daughter for wanting to go on a walk when I didn't want to and for her playing the expert.  I wrote a whole lot of really nasty things that I don't want to repeat here🙁.  The bottom line is thought that I should have maintained better boundaries and not let myself get talked into going with her. 

December 27, 2017

The stuff I originally wrote is exactly the reason I decided to put my journals online and to sanitize them.  Writing all the garbage I wrote felt really good, but at the end of the day it would have served no one to have her read it.  We are human beings and even though we all love each other, there are times when the kids get on my nerves and I'm sure there are times that I get on their nerves.  It's been a little jittery to have the kids home over the holidays as I was looking forward to cleaning and chilling and that's harder to do with everyone here.

However, this is their home and I want them to know it is their home so it would be horrible for me to put up arbitrary rules and say they can't be in the living room because I want it to be quiet.  That would be mean and I'm not going to do it.  We will just all compromise and it will all work out.

October 16, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions: Emotional fulfillment, happiness

Book:  Nurturing, warm, tender, sympathetic, intuitive, strong people skills, charisma, over thinking, over protective

Guidance:  Nurture yourself, trust your intuition, pull back from our emotions and do not let yourself drown in them


I was able to step back and look at my emotions without getting bogged down in them.  I'm learning that sometimes the most important thing I can do for myself is to acknowledge what I'm feeling.  I spend so much time wearing a mask and pretending that life is okay but when I am truly honest with myself, I'm able to have the feelings and let them go without holding on to them.  I was able to I was scared without fear or shame and that was huge.

May 25, 2018

I have become so much better at nurturing myself and being kind to myself when I am feeling sad or lonely.  Before I was all about beating myself and berating myself for having "negative" emotions, however the more I have distanced myself from my mother and the more I have worked to find compassion for myself, the more I am able to accept all of who I am without judging myself.  That's not to say it isn't easy or that there are not days when I don't still beat myself up, but mostly I'm able to take a step back and say that it is okay and love myself.  I'm realizing that at the end of the day, the only person I truly will always have in my life is me and that I need to be kind to myself.

Friday, June 17, 2022

Five of Cups

 June 17, 2022

Deck:   Intuitive Dark Goddess

First Impressions:  Sunshine, happiness, light streaming through

Book:  Contrast, perspective, loss, gratitude, process

Guidance:   Accept the good and the bad as part of a greater whole


I needed this reminder that where there is bad, there is also good.  I have been so focused on the bad lately that I forget that there is good in this world.  There are people who are helpful and kind and who want to be there for others.  However, the good in this world doesn't sell newspapers so it isn't often spotlighted and when it is, it is spotlighted as something strange and out of the ordinary.  It is also so easy to get trapped into feeling like I want and need more.

I have enough and I am going to remember that.  I'm going to put my windchimes in the house so that I can start being a more positive person.  I think I will also drag out my gratitude journal and start writing in it every day.  Another thing I can do to start feeling better about the world is to start spending more time cleaning.  I know that I always feel better when I have a clean house.

Where I'm At:  I love summer Fridays.  I worked hard this morning, but I thoroughly enjoyed this afternoon.  I hung out with the dogs and just had a wonderful day.

Weather:  The weather was absolutely beautiful.  It wasn't too hot and it was a nice day for a drive.

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 78

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:04


 June 2, 2022

Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Grief, being overwhelmed, sadness, not looking at what is left

Book:  Mourning, loss, bitterness, regret, rejection

Guidance: Don't cry over spilt milk


My heart is breaking right now with anger, rage, grief, and sadness.  The world we live in is so broken.  It feels like the only safe place is at home with the doors locked.  I'm scared to go to the grocery store, I'm scared to go out in public, I'm just scared to exist because it feels like there are men with guns around every corner.  Unfortunately, I know this isn't a figment of my imagination as there have been over 250 mass shooting events this year.  Grocery stores, schools, work places, malls.  It seems like no place is safe.

Little kids go to school and never come home.  This is a card of crying and mourning and screaming.  It is a card about recognizing how horrible the world is, but picking up and going on.  It is about looking for ways to make a difference even when the world sucks.

Where:  I'm at home today

Weather:  It is getting to be those warm summer days where it is unbearably hot sometimes and other times when you are still, the breeze hits you and it feels so good.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 8%

Sunrise / Sunset: 


May 21, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Focusing on what is lost, an oh my expression.  Out in the wilderness when there is a castle not too far away

Book: Mourning, loss, bitterness, rejection

Guidance: Do not cry over spilled milk


Cam and I talked about John today while we were out and about and how every time anyone made a mistake or something broke it was personal for him.  Everything everyone did was all about him, when in reality it wasn't.  People made mistakes because people make mistakes and things break.  But it was always a big thing.  This came up because I made a wrong turn and Cam pointed out that we were able to just go on and move on, but John would have berated me for it.  It would have been all about how stupid I was for not paying attention.  We also talked about how he really had no friends because once people saw how horrible he was, they dumped him.  

Of course, this triggered flashbacks for me and I was thinking about the time he beat me with a baseball bat and wondering if I should have called the cops.  I've always told myself that I didn't call the cops because I didn't want him to go to jail, but I'm realizing that that is not the truth.  I was terrified that if I called the cops, he would get out and he would kill me or the kids.  Calling the police on a domestic abuser can be deadly as he is angry and embarrassed and blames the victim.  I think the real truth of the matter is that I didn't trust the police and was afraid that if I called them, it would be worse or they would not believe me.  What I am realizing is that I did what I needed to do to live and survive.  Calling the police could have been deadly for me.

The other truth is that even 10 years ago, people did not believe victims of intimate partner violence and they blamed the victim or the abuser was able to talk his way out of it and escape punishment.  I need to let go of thinking that I let him off the hook and start realizing that I very likely saved my life and the life of the kids.  He is a dangerous and violent person, especially when crossed.

I guess this card makes me think of that because I was so bitter and angry at myself for so long for not putting him in jail and that bitterness was eating me up, but when I look at it from the perspective of a survivor, I feel better about myself.

Where: Clam and I drove down to Chagrin Falls to Yours Truly for Breakfast and it was awesome to get out together and have a nice meal.  Of course, eating breakfast made us hungry for the rest of the day.  It rained in the afternoon / evening and it was so cozy to sit in front of the window and listen to the rain.

Weather:  It was actually a really nice day in the morning, but it stormed in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 64%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:59 / 8:45


April 4, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, life force draining away

Book:  Grieving, disillusion, disappointment, wallowing, self pity, a broken heart

Guidance:  Dismantle your grief and reclaim your happiness


Wow!  This card hit the nail on the head for me today.  I am grieving the life that I really want:  a life with someone to walk by my side.  There are a lot of benefits to being alone and not being accountable to someone, but the downside is that I'm lonely.  My kids are great and it is nice to not be totally alone, but I want someone to flirt with and to be an adult with.  I want someone who I'm not responsible for.  And I don't know how to get that in my life.  A lot of the times I feel so alone and awkward and geeky.

It also feels like I spent all my energy doing shit I don't care about.

Where: I'm sitting at home in the living room after going to Metro Health for Open Table.  It actually felt really good to get out and interact with people.

Weather:  It was a reasonably nice day out today.  I went out this afternoon and it was about 50 so I was able to just wear a jacket.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 10%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 am / 7:55 pm


February 17, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  La Larona, sadness, bereft, crying

Book:  Self pity, guilt, regret, stagnation, depression

Guidance:  Learn from your regret or it will be useless


Interesting card to pull today as I am depressed.  It just feels like everything in the world is so overwhelming.  It's raining today and it makes the sadness in the air almost palpable.  The message of this card is to learn from regrets, but I'm not sure which regrets to learn from.  I have worked through most of my regrets and most of my sadness, so I'm not sure what I need to learn.  

However, I am feeling sorry for myself today as I really don't like my job.  It's boring and I feel like all I am doing is serving capitalism.  I don't feel like I am helping people at all and that is not a good feeling.  I want a job that lets me change the world and I don't have that.  All I am doing is helping a bloated company make more money.  I've always wanted a job where I help save the world and I don't think I've eve really had it.  when I worked for the Air Force, I was helping the military industrial complex and now I'm helping capitalism.

Where I'm At: I'm home this week.

Mood: I'm sad

Weather:   It's cold and rainy and it is supposed to snow later

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:18 AM / 6:02 PM


August 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Bleak, sadness, grieving

Book:  Wandering in a bleak landscape, bridge leading back to fullness

Guidance: Grieve for what is lost, but acknowledge what still remains


I'm so tired of being constantly angry and sad.  It feels as if those are my only two emotions and I'm struggling to keep the anger from coming out at inappropriate times.  This feels a lot like when I was married when I was just so angry and sad all the time.  However, I also know that anger and sadness also masquerade as fear and I'm terrified this mother fucker is going to get off and I know that Cam says that she just wants it over, but I know she'll be devastated if he gets off.  And I know that I'm going to want to attack him and kill him right there in the courtroom.  My hate rage is so overpowering.  I just want him eviscerated and eliminated from the planet.  I want to pound his fucking head into the pavement until it is a bloody pulp.  However, I also know that he's not worth going for jail for.  He is a piece of garbage and even if he gets off, the court of karma will catch up with him.

I'm feeling sad, scared, angry, guilty, and a whole host of other emotions that I don't even know how to name.  All I know is that I'm going to just have to keep turning it over and eventually it will get better.  Turning it over really is the only thing that helps.

I'm grateful that Cam is doing okay
I'm grateful for the nice weather
I'm grateful for not blowing up at anyone today
I'm grateful for being safe and snug in my hotel room
I'm grateful for standing up for myself
I'm grateful there are jobs to apply for
I'm grateful for the support from our internal team
I'm grateful for Vince's email
June 12, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Not appreciating what you have

Book:  Keen disappointment and regret when we realizing something is slipping away

Guidance:  Let go of things that are not working out, be gentle with yourself, beyond this place lies new hope


I was feeling really unappreciative of what I have today.  I have plenty of work to keep me busy and I know that I need to proceed slowly and not get in over my head, but I'm busy thinking about all the projects we have that don't have OCM on them.  I was focusing on what I don't have and how our organization doesn't really support what I do.  I feel as if it is me continuing to fight uphill and that's a really frustrating place to be in.  However, what I should focus on is that I get the opportunity to go in and do something that is mostly fun everyday and I get paid a whole lot of money to do it.

A lot of the problem is that I'm not happy with doing the same thing over and over and over and I don't really feel as if what I do makes a difference in the world.  I want to make a difference and I want to change people's lives and I don't do that now.  All I do is help company's make more money and that's not a lot of fun.  However, the job that I have is teaching me skills that I will need to move into a role I want which is in culture and diversity.  I have to work to change my mindset from focusing on what I don't have to focusing on what I do have.  Sometimes that's hard to do and I get caught up in loss and forget to feel gratitude for what I have.

At the heart of it, this card is about being grateful for the blessings in our lives.  There is always loss in our lives, but if we are able to open our hearts and be grateful for what we have, life will flow much better and we will be much more able to appreciate the good stuff that we have.

I love the line "beyond this place lies new hope."  That is such a wonderful reminder to let go of what we can no longer have and be ready to embrace the new.  I've learned that to embrace the new, I have to mourn what I'm letting go of.  Sometimes we think we can just let go of things, but it is important to have the mourning period that helps us to let go.

November 12, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  pulled reversed

First impressions:
  Appreciate what you have

Book:  Return and restoration of hope after recent losses, situation is beginning to turn, feelings of hopefullness

Guidance: Be hopeful, let go of the wounds


There are two meanings of this card reversed and I am torn as to which one is more suitable.  One is about the restoration of hope and the other is about the utter loss of hope.  There is a part of me that feels hope being restored and ready to move and the other that feels devastated and as if I have no hope at all.  Dinner was wonderful, but I still ended up sleeping alone and that hurts.  I really and truly want the real deal and I am not sure if I will ever get it and that is devastating.

September 1, 2018

It's been almost two years since I wrote this and I'm not even sure who I went to dinner with.  LOL.  I still want the real deal, but I have learned a lot in the last two years about the value of being alone and the value of my independence.  I've realized that if I had gotten with anyone right after John and I broke up that it would have been a disaster.  I was so broken that I would have trashed any relationship with my neediness.

I've come to value myself so much in the last few years and I've learned how to talk myself out of the bad places when I need to.  I've learned to take a step back and evaluate what is real and what's not.  I find that my thoughts take me down into a deep dark place sometimes, but I can also use my thoughts to get myself out of that deep dark place and back to a place of hope. 

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