King of Wands

 September 30, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Harvest of Wands

First Impressions:  I love how the wolf is howling at the moon.  This is a symbol of power and beauty.

Book:  By honoring myself I gather faith in myself and harvest opportunity

Guidance:   Walk through the world with confidence

Journaling:

I love the reminder to walk through the world with confidence.  I am getting so much better at that.  There are days when it is hard for me, but overall I have so much more confidence in who I am as a person than I did even 10 years ago.  I've always been fairly confident about my abilities, but not about my fundamental worthiness.  

I'm also realizing how much easier it i to walk through the world with confidence when someone is not tearing you down at every opportunity.  John lived to tear me down and even admitted as much as he said he said things to take me down a few notches.  To this day, I do not understand why you would go into a relationship with someone and then work to tear them down.  Maybe it was because he felt so bad about himself that he had to "create" a creature lower than himself to feel superior.  That is sad on so many levels as I don't understand why he wanted to tear me down instead of building himself up.

Where I'm At:  Today was a really hard day as I was physically exhausted.  I worked too late last night and it threw me off balance.  After work, I went to Lane Bryant to return some clothes and Cam and I went to pick up her car.  It cost me $3,500 to pick up the car and I was not expecting that expense.  I had to take a step back and remind myself to be grateful that I had the money.

Weather:  It was nice outside today.  It was cool and a bit overcast.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 23%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:20 / 7:11

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 August 23, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose tarot

Card Name:  King of Batons

First Impressions:  I love the flag / 

Book:  Impartial counsel, unforeseen legacy, honesty

Guidance:   Leave the best legacy you can

Journaling:

I've been thinking a lot about legacy and about what I will leave behind.  For me, it is important to leave my kids settled with houses so that all they have to do is work and they'll be fine.  This student loan thing will help a lot as they'll only have to pay 10 years and then they will be done.  Once that is done, I'll pass the houses over to them and we will move on.  

I also want to leave a legacy as a good person.  I think a lot about what it means to be kind, about what it means to help people, and what it means to support people.  That is what I really want to do with my life.  

Where I'm At:  I went out in the morning to do some errands.  I got my passport photos taken, took my drug screen, and went to Li Wah for lunch.  All in all, it was a pretty good day.  Until I got home and found that Glenn wanted me in the office Monday through Thursday next week, which is total bullshit.

Weather:  It wasn't a horrible day out.  It started out cool in the morning, but then got hot as the day went on.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:42 / 8:15 am

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August 23, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose tarot

Card Name:  King of Batons

First Impressions:  I love the flag / 

Book:  Impartial counsel, unforeseen legacy, honesty

Guidance:   Leave the best legacy you can

Journaling:

I've been thinking a lot about legacy and about what I will leave behind.  For me, it is important to leave my kids settled with houses so that all they have to do is work and they'll be fine.  This student loan thing will help a lot as they'll only have to pay 10 years and then they will be done.  Once that is done, I'll pass the houses over to them and we will move on.  

I also want to leave a legacy as a good person.  I think a lot about what it means to be kind, about what it means to help people, and what it means to support people.  That is what I really want to do with my life.  

Where I'm At:  I went out in the morning to do some errands.  I got my passport photos taken, took my drug screen, and went to Li Wah for lunch.  All in all, it was a pretty good day.  Until I got home and found that Glenn wanted me in the office Monday through Thursday next week, which is total bullshit.

Weather:  It wasn't a horrible day out.  It started out cool in the morning, but then got hot as the day went on.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:42 / 8:15 am

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 August 23, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose tarot

Card Name:  King of Batons

First Impressions:  I love the flag / 

Book:  Impartial counsel, unforeseen legacy, honesty

Guidance:   Leave the best legacy you can

Journaling:

I've been thinking a lot about legacy and about what I will leave behind.  For me, it is important to leave my kids settled with houses so that all they have to do is work and they'll be fine.  This student loan thing will help a lot as they'll only have to pay 10 years and then they will be done.  Once that is done, I'll pass the houses over to them and we will move on.  

I also want to leave a legacy as a good person.  I think a lot about what it means to be kind, about what it means to help people, and what it means to support people.  That is what I really want to do with my life.  

Where I'm At:  I went out in the morning to do some errands.  I got my passport photos taken, took my drug screen, and went to Li Wah for lunch.  All in all, it was a pretty good day.  Until I got home and found that Glenn wanted me in the office Monday through Thursday next week, which is total bullshit.

Weather:  It wasn't a horrible day out.  It started out cool in the morning, but then got hot as the day went on.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:42 / 8:15 am

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May 31, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Regal, calm, controlled, going forward

Book: Inner strength, self motivation, 

Guidance: Integrity can fracture in explosive ways

Journaling:

This card reminds me of Pruitt on Station 19.  He is wise and kind and takes care of the people who love him.  And I guess he reminds me of my dad as well.  I love my dad and I miss him.  Even though he was annoying and misgonistyc, I never doubted that he loved me.  I wish I had someone in my life now who loved me and would take care of me.  Even though I know I am a badass, it would be nice to have someone take care of me once in a while.  Someone to protect me and look out for me.  I don't think I've had that since my daddy died.  John certainly never took care of me and I am realizing that he didn't love me.

This card is all about inner strength and that's what I need to channel now.

Where:  I'm at home this week.  And right now am just hanging out with the doggos.

Weather:  It was beautiful out today.  The sun was shining and I spent time hanging out in the hammock and it was wonderful.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54/8:54

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March 10, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Getting down to business, lighting the way, strong and courageous, not standing on ceremony

Book:  Natural born leader, creative visionary, fearlessness, successful ideation

Guidance:   Boldly express your offbeat weirdo

Journaling:

I love this card as it is a card of looking toward the future and of lighting the way.  One of the things that I need to work on is really charting my course and figuring out where I want to go.  I love the salary that my job provides, but I'm not thrilled with the work.  I would much rather be living my own best life and doing what is important to me.

the problem is that I'm not sure how to get there.  I think I need to do some serious magick and figure it out.

Where I'm At: I'm sitting on the couch with Clarko snoring next to me and Wendy in her cuddle cup.

Weather: It's a little cold out, but not snowing yet

Moon Phase:  First Quarter 50%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:46 am / 6:27 pm

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February 6, 2019

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Beauty, passion, preening

Book:  Honesty, charm, passion, leadership, phoenix

Guidance:  Be the phoenix

Journaling:

I actually felt like a phoenix today as I worked on my sigils (see below).  It felt so good to do something artistic and creative.  I realize that I've really missed that and that while I have been nurturing the intellectual side of myself, I have not been nurturing the creative side and that's a problem.  I've neglected my creative side and that has left me stuck.  I hadn't realize how much I used my creativity to heal and learn about myself.  A big part of that was my tarot journaling as it allowed me to get in touch with myself and learn about who I am.  I know that since I have started journaling about tarot again in December, I've felt better.  And even on the days when I am pissed off and angry, I've at least felt like I had an outlet.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today, enjoying time with the dogs.  I unfortunately was up most of the night as I just couldn't sleep, but for the most part it has been a good day as I spent the morning working on sigils and I got two new tarot decks.

Mood:  I'm tired, but in a good mood

Weather:  At 2:27 AM it is 14 degrees and mostly clear, but it is supposed to get up to 35 today so maybe some of the snow will melt.  we aren't supposed to get any snow today!

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 21 percent

Sunrise/Sunset:  7:32 am / 5:48 PM

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June 27, 2019

Deck;  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Wisdom, lit from the sun, forward motion

Book:  Creative visions, loving a challenge and opportunity to strategize, only comfortable when he's in charge, intolerant of weakness in himself and others,

Guidance:  Call upon the leader in yourself

Journaling

This is an incredibly interesting card as it speaks to me on so many levels.  I do love to be creative and figure out how to take an idea from a spark to fruition.  That's incredibly fun for me as I love the creativity involved in figuring out the angles, overcoming obstacles, etc.  I think that's the real reason I want to stay at my current job as there is something immensely satisfying in doing something that no one thought could be done and doing it well.  It feed my ego so much to have people tell me that I'm actually making it work.  I also get personal satisfaction out of it as well, especially since I am really starting to see results.  It's interesting because when I met with Cindy she said she was a builder and that applies to me as well.  I love the leadership aspects of building something amazing, but I'm not so good at managing things and having to deal with employees.

It is the other piece of this where I fall down and that's only being comfortable when I'm in charge.  This doesn't exhibit itself as not taking orders from my boss, but it does come into play when I end up having subordinates as I want to micromanage them and I am convinced that they will screw it up and I will have to fix it.  However, when I take a step back and am kind to myself and look at things realistically instead of focusing on my flaws, I realize that in a lot of ways my behavior is completely understandable because the people I have had as subordinates have not really been up to the task.  I had people trying to do quick reference guides who had no idea how to do the transactions.  I also had people who didn't care.  I hadn't actually hired any of these people so it makes sense that it didn't work.  I can do a good job of mentoring and giving good direction when I have the right people working for me.

I have also learned that just because I think something critical doesn't mean that I'm a bad person or that I'm mean.  It is okay to have those thoughts as long as you stifle them and what comes out of my mouth is helpful.  I'm learning to do that with people at work as there are times I just want to say "What an idiot!"  However, I've learned to stop, redirect, and come up with something helpful.  There is too much meanness in the world, there is no reason that I need to contribute to it.

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December 20, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Loss of Passion

Book:  Be careful, be aware of recklessness, inability to move forward, need to move forward, hesitating, uncertainty

Guidance:  Be more assertive, be more confident

Journaling

This card fits where i am today as I have been dragging my heels about this course that I'm creating.  I think the root cause is that I am afraid to go into the darkness again.  I'm afraid of opening doors that I thought I'd closed.  However, there is a reason this is coming up now so I will honor the process and go back into my darkness.

July 8, 2018

Interesting when I read this and think about the actual meanings of the words.  I haven't worked on my course in a while and I think it is because I've learned the lessons and it really is time for me to move forward.  I don't need to go back into the darkness and I don't owe it to anyone to guide them or help them.  I guide my kids and I provide for them and I don't need to give my all to anyone. 

I've also found that my daily and weekly tarot practices are helping me to dig into the darkness without becoming overwhelmed.  I find so much healing in tarot and the discipline of pulling a card everyday really helps to to get all the junk out in a deliberate way.

Ace of Swords

 September 28, 2022

  

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Ace of Thunder

First Impressions:  I love the idea of opening my hands to the skies.  Although I know that lightening could kill me, this card seems gentle.

Book:  Hands and heart open, I receive boundless love and clarity of mind

Guidance:   Trust your strength

Journaling:

I love this card and the idea of getting wisdom and clarity from both the universe and myself.  Sometimes we get so mired in the ick, that we don't have the clarity that we need to have.  I'm realizing that there are lessons I need to learn a my new company and one of the biggest is about collaboration.  I'm a competitive person and very territorial.  It is hard for me to be collaborative as I think that everyone is out to take my role.  However, this company is all about defining roles and making sure that if people are operating in the same space, everyone has boundaries.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today and I spent most of the day at home, but I did go out to the office supply store and it was disappointing.  I was looking for thick steno pads and they did not have a large assortment.

Weather:  It was rainy off and on today.  It sprinkled a bit when I took the dingles for a walk and you would have thought that it was acid rain the way they behaved.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 8%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:18/7:14

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August 15, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the laurel at the bottom and how you can see the cut stems.  I also love that the sword is through the crown.

Book:  Victory, breakthrough, conquest, a just triumph

Guidance:   Claim your victory

Journaling:

I love this card.  It is absolutely beautiful.  And today feels like a day to seize the day.  I just got the most amazing job offer of my life.  They gave me exactly what I asked for and a big signing bonus.  I am so excited and I'm actually looking forward to starting this job.  It will be so fun to work on integrating a new company.  And it will be big change management, not the small time shit I've been doing for the last three years.

I have learned a lot from G, but I'm also learning that while he may encourage people to a certain extent, he seems to just want to collect people and not let people get out from under him.  I deserve so much better.  And I have to admit, it is kinda a bummer to be working for someone who doesn't even have a bachelor's.  I have so much more and varied experience than him and I'm done with this job. 

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and feeling like utter garbage.  Sean has covid and I'm worried about him.  He's not coughing, but is just really lethargic.  I'm just going to keep checking on him.  I did get an amazing offer today and it is really too good to pass up.  I know there is no way that the Bird will match it and I really don't want them too.  it is an amazing offer and I deserve it.  And the end of the day, the writing seems to be on the wall that Brian is grooming M to take Glenn's place and there is no way in bloody hell that I will work for her.  

Weather:  The weather has been awesome and it was nice to sit outside.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 85%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:34/8:25

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 May 28 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  At home in the sword.  I love the windows in the shaft of the sword.  It also looks like there are tents in the sword and little men.  There is also a wreath

Book: Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas

Guidance: Clear Windows into Right Action

Journaling:

The Ace of Swords for me is always about cutting through bullshit and getting to the heart of the matter.  I've always thought of it as cutting through emotional bullshit, but as i reflect on this card I could see it could also be a decluttering card as getting rid of the clutter can help us see a straight path and can help clear out the emotional clutter.  I know that I always feel stuck when there is so much physical clutter around.  I think that is why I love going to hotels because there isn't so much junk.  I can see clearly and I don't get distracted by the clutter.  

My goal for the summer is to get the house clean and cut down on the clutter.  Every other Friday we're going to spend time cleaning.  I'm also going to spend time cleaning during the week.  this week I've actually got a lot done and I'm going to keep working on it today.  The problem is that I get so tired so it takes me a while, but if I just keep going bit by bit, I will get it done.

Where: I'm home today and I was actually pretty productive.  I got up early, went to the store, then to the Farmers Market.  I also had a call with Dr. Perkins about my PhD.  Things are not looking good as she thinks that Western won't start the program up again.  However, I'm okay with that and I am just going to take it one day at a time.

Weather:  It was chilly this morning when I went tot he market, but it started to warm up in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 am / 8:51 Pm

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April 30, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Fighting the good fight, rewards for fighting, cutting through bullshit

Book:  Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas

Guidance: Clear Windows into right action

Journaling:

This one makes me chuckle right now as my window is not clear and is covered with duck tape.  I like the thought of clear windows leading to right action.  This tells me that the way to figure out what I want to do in life is to clean out all the clutter so I can see clearly.  Starting next weekend, that's what my plan is.  I want to get rid of all the physical junk so i can start working on the emotional junk.  

Physically I have been feeling horrible lately and I honestly don't know if it is emotional clutter, true physical ailments, or something else.  All I know is that I need to get rid of all the junk so I can see my path forward.

Where:  I'm at home today and I am utterly exhausted.  My whole body is achy and it is difficult to even drag myself upright.

Weather:  It is a little chilly out, but it has been nice.

Moon Phase:  Dark Moon

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:22 am / 8:24 PM

May 29th Update

Interesting as I read this that I made the connection between bullshit and clutter last month as well.  I did do some work cleaning out clutter, but there is still work to be done.  I think the thing is that I get totally overwhelmed and it is not only my stuff, it is everyone else's.  Cam has opened two boxes and just left them where they lay.  She is horrible about that and I don't know how to make things different.

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March 17, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Fractials, spiral staircase, channeling the wisdom of the universe

Book:  New ideas, clarity, truths revealed, thought, communication

Guidance:   Make use of your mindset tools

Journaling:

I'm sitting here half a sleep and feeling as if my brain will never be truly awake.  It feels as if all my best brain cells go to work.  I have to figure out a way to do my work and get paid, but still have time and energy for the stuff that matters.  I think I need to consider starting to exercise again.  I have been a couch potato lately and I have the feeling that that is part of the reason I have no energy.  I also don't get out of the house a lot so I'm breathing in dander filled air.  

I realize that I spend a lot of time living in my brain and not living an embodied life.  I need to work to build that mind body connection so that both are strong.

Where I'm At: I'm sitting on the couch before work.  Wendy is mad because Sean is gone and she 

Weather: It is beautiful out.  It's bright and sunny

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:35 am / 7: 35 pm

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September 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Reaching for the stars

Book: Something is ready to ignite, beginning of a new phase

Guidance: Trust your innovative ideas

Journaling

This is an interesting card to have chosen for today is because one of the realizations I've come to is that if I am truly serious about building a life outside of the 9 to 5, I need to take actions to market myself and become a trusted resource for people in the tarot community.  I also have to give back by attending conferences and speaking if I feel called to do so.  The shift that is happening inside my soul is that I'm realizing that I do have something to give back and I do have something to talk about.  Up until recently, I've felt as if I didn't have anything to say that matters, but that is starting to change as I realize that I do have a lot of wisdom to offer other people.

Some of the ways that I need to start marketing myself include posting my daily draw on Facebook on a regular basis, using instagram, and speaking at conferences.  The first two I'm struggling with as it feels as if I'm using my relationships to sell stuff.  However, when I sit back and look at things objectively, I realize that's not the case.  I am posting something that people may or may not be interested in.  If they are not interested, then they don't have to read it.  And by the same token, if people are not interested in what I post on Instagram, they don't have to read it.  I'm just posting the message and that's easier for me to do than to actively solicit business.  I think "selling" gives me a bad taste in my mouth because I have tried to sell books and other things before and I haven't been successful as it seemed like more work went in to selling than into being creative. 

What I'm taking as the message from this card is that things will ignite, I just have to trust the pathway that I'm going down.  This is also another one of those cards that speaks to trust and trust is something I've historically had a lot of issues with as it is really hard for me to trust people.  I feel like the underlying message for me with this card is to trust the universe.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for dinner with the kids

I'm grateful for snuggling on the couch with the doggos

I'm grateful for laughing with Cam

I'm grateful for spending time taroting

I'm grateful for yummy beans and rice

I'm grateful for my peaceful home

I'm grateful for time spent reading and reflecting this morning

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May 19, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Discerning, cutting away what no longer serves

Book:  Truth, Yoni as gateway to powers of the sword, Inspiration, insight, and keen intellect, double edged sword

Guidance:  Rationally analyze situations to make good decisions, commit yourself to the truth

Journaling:

I chose to write about the Ace of Swords today because for me this card symbolizes cutting away what is no longer needed.  I view it as a giant pair of scissors that cut away attachments that tangle us up and serve no purpose.  As summer is here, this card could also be viewed as a big pair of pruning sheers cutting away dead wood so that what is left behind can grow and find the sunlight.  Unfortunately, pruning the dead wood out of our lives is not as easy as pruning dead branches, because all too often the dead wood is relationships that have outlived their usefulness or that are strangling us.

My separation (2010) and divorce (2011) not only cleared away the dead wood of a marriage that was strangling me and causing me to become an angry and bitter person, they also illuminated the root of the problem which was an unhealthy relationship with my mother.  I realized that she had raised me to be a doormat and put everyone else's needs above mine.  When I wanted to go to a writer's conference and my now ex was going to watch the kids, she asked me if he was okay with that.  When I was chosen to go to a class at work, she said he should go because he worked in IT and I didn't.  And what caused the final rift was when I told her John and I had separated and she asked how everyone else was, except me. She never once asked how I was feeling or if I was okay.  It was all about everyone else.  Then she had the audacity to say, "There's not going to be a divorce, is there?"  It did not matter to her that I was crushed and devastated, all she cared about was everyone else's feelings and about social standing.  That was a moment of truth for me and at that moment it felt as if a flashlight was illuminating my entire relationship with my mother and I realized how she had hurt me.

Cutting your mother out of my life was difficult because there was a part of me that felt guilty and as if maybe I was overreacting, but when she guilt tripped me on my 50th birthday and refused to even consider that my feelings might be valid, I realized I had made the right choice.  However, knowing intellectually you've made the right choice and knowing in your heart you've made the right choice are two different things.  There are so many moments in my life where I want a mom to be there for me and to listen to me and to help me figure things out, but I don't have that mother in my life.  It hurts sometimes and there are times I Google estranged parents online to see if there is anything else I can do to heal the rift, but there's nothing.  At the end of the day, if she refuses to acknowledge her part in the rift there is nothing I can do.   I've also pondered if I could have a more superficial relationship with my mother, but I also know that that wouldn't work because anytime I told her she that a topic was off limits, she would pout.  It still hurts, but I also know that I'm in a healthier place because she is not in my life.

I'm also working to apply the sword of truth to other people in my life and over the past week I've realized that I need to cut a friend out of my life who was my rock during my divorce.  As I sat and listened to him complain about how people had teased him, I realized he was being a hypocrite and the teasing he'd endured was no worse than what he had dished out to me.  The worst was when I fell and got a serious concussion.  He told a coworker that I was drunk and wearing high heels when it happened.  And when I protested, he said I was being too sensitive.  As I look back at the incident, I realize I was in no way being too sensitive.  It would have been one thing to say that to me in a teasing manner, but to say that to someone else was out of line.  I reminded him of that and he chuckled as if it was no big deal.  I realized that our friendship wasn't going to work any longer because I've grown and changed and I no longer accept disrespect in my life.

Exercise:

Visualize the toxic people who are holding you back and see the ribbons of energy that are attaching you to those people.  Pull out your great big sword of truth or a big pair of shiny pruning sheers and virtually cut those energetic ties.  Once you've got the times, take a moment to thank them for whatever lessons they've brought to your life and let them go.  For some relationships, you may have to do this exercise multiple times, but eventually you will know that the cords have been cut.

May 29, 2022 Update

Wow!  I had forgotten about how B. responded after I got my concussion.  That was a total jackass thing to do and there is no way in hell I was too sensitive about how he behaved.  He was being a jackass and there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  That was a horrible thing to do and to say.  I deserve better than that.

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December 21, 2017

Ace of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Ace of Air

First Impressions:  The first impressions of Nemesis are not positive.  I get the impression that she is pointing at someone and giving them unsolicited advice or shaming them.  However, she isn't waving her sword around so I guess unsolicited advice is better than the alternative.  I do love the colors on this card as the gold of her tunic is a slightly lighter color than the gold of the field.  The ace of swords always tells me that this is about cutting through bullshit.

Book:  The first step in discernment:  Perceive what exists.  Grants the knowledge of what is right and good.  Enforcing the limits beyond one which one should not perceive.

Guidance:  Apply objectivity to achieve clarity, mediate your ego, stay nimble, moderate your sacrifice.

Journaling:

I like the reminders in this card.  It is more guidance to stay in the middle path.  I also have to be objective.  I know this who reorganization is nt about me at all, but my ego is feeling shuffled to the side so I'm a tad annoyed that I have to let go of my feelings.  No!  I don't need to let go, I need to acknowledge.

December 28, 2017

I have grown so much in the last year and I am so much better about not making it all about me.  Okay, that's not exactly true, I do tend to make it all about me, but then I talk myself off the ledge and I see things more rationally.  Watching yourself grow up is a pretty cool experience!

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November 17, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Cut through the bullshit

Book:  Gift of the sword is intellect, powerful and dangerous words can heal or hurt

Guidance:  Use the gift of thought well, to see the world clearly, to communicate well, be aware of having a sharp tongue

Journaling

I love the meaning of this card and the reminder that logic can cut both ways.  I can think my way into  box when I only look at cold, hard facts.  I have learned that to see the whole picture, I have to use both logic and emotion. 

My brain tells me that it will never happen and that I should move on.  My heart tells me a different story.  My heart tells me it will happen and I need to continue to believe.  For now, I'm going to continue to believe my heart. 

November 20, 2017

The ace of swords cuts through bullshit.  This is a great card to pull when life seems murky and there is a need to step back and review.  This is also a great card to pull when you need to cut ties with someone.

November 8, 2018

Interesting read on this card as it is about using logic and about cutting ties.  I'm finally at that place where I'm ready to cut ties.  My feelings for him served a very useful purpose in my life, but I'm finally feeling strong enough to move on and be my own self.  If I put as much love and energy into my life as i do into that pursuit, I will have a kick ass life.

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November 18, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First impressions:  Lay down your weapons

Book:  Be aware of having a sharp tongue, potential to be valiant and victorious, negative omen suggesting chaos and dysfunction, unfulfilled ambition, imbalance, thought disconnected from heart, not the time to face things

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power

Journaling

What a wonderful card to have drawn today.  it is a little scary to think of Trump in power, but this is where I have to act with both my head and my heart.  I have to be smart and protect my assets and my kids, but I also have to function and do what's right and get involved in what matters to me.  I have to give my life meaning by advocating for mental health and women's rights.  My voice and time have to be spent protecting what matters.

July 5, 2019

I haven't done a lot of advocating or working toward change and I have to be honest and say that a big reason is that it feels useless.  The people who believe what I believe are going to continue to believe what I believe and the ones who don't, do not seem to be inclined to change their minds.  I have worked on turning inward and improving myself.  One of the ways I believe that I can change the world is to not be so reactive and to be more measured in my response.  I think when we all rush from thing to thing as trump lumbers through the world and if we are more measured and less reactive, the world will be more calm and we will get through this.

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October 14, 2016

Deck;  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, lack of clarity

Book:  Personal energy being scattered, anarchy within the seeker, hostile, negativity, unfulfilled ambition, poor judgement

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head

Journaling

I feel like nothing I do matters for me.  Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me.  We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I'm still stuck in Chicago every week.  All I want is to find love and be happy.  I have to be honest and say that I'm thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn't seem to matter for me.  I feel like just a vehicle for other people's happiness, but I'm not worthy of happiness myself.

Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that's hard when life sucks and you don't have the one thing that matters.  I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with.  I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me?  Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough?  I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me.  I've fought so hard against needing someone, but I'm ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.

Goddess, please guide me to my love.

May 24, 2018

I wish that I could say that in the time since I've written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I've been working really hard not to lie to myself.  There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely.  However, I've been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways.  That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don't like to be selfish.  However, I'm starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing. 

A big part of the reason, I'm able to start doing this is because I'm able to say F* you to my mother's voice in my head.  I'm able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things.  I deserve a car of my own.  I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me.  I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch.  I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.

It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday.  And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people.  That is all so much BS.  I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me.  I am capable of doing all of those things by myself.  That doesn't mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.

The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me.  But what she added on actually made me feel good.  She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding.  That made me feel good

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September 24, 2016

Ace of Swords
Hanson Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  The sword is piercing a laurel wreath, does this portend victory?  The hilt of the sword is bound with leather and there appears to be a ruby in the hilt.  The sun is shining through the clouds and reflecting off the sword.  The sword speaks to me of new beginnings and intellectual opportunities.

Book:  Clarity, success, sharp focus, cut attachments that no longer serve us, instrument of change, new beginnings

Guidance:  Be true to yourself

Journaling:

This week has truly been about the need to cut away and leave things that no longer serve me behind.  Right now I'm feeling the need to pull away from a coworker who I don't feel is working in our client's best interests.  It also makes me wonder if this is about cutting ties with people who were important, but who I've drifted away from.

December 23, 2017

It's interesting to reflect on this card today because I've been working hard to cut some cords that no longer serve me.  I've realized that I need to cut cords with John and quit getting all swirly about what he does or does not do in his life.  I've worked hard to let go of being judgmental and to let go of commenting on other people's decisions that don't affect me, but with him I continue to judge.  I have to admit that there is a part of me that wants him to fail and have a miserable life because of how he abused me and hurt me.  However, all that holding on to that anger does is keep me tied to him.  I need to let go of that rope that is keeping me tied down because it truly no longer serves me.

I also need to let go of someone who was so instrumental in my healing, but who no longer has a true role to play in my life.  I need to be grateful for the unconditional love he gave me and accept that our paths have diverged.

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April 20, 2016

Ace of Air
Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Journaling:

Oddly enough, I initially read this card as reversed as the butterfly is hanging upside down.  To me this card reversed would be about cocooning and not being ready to go through a change.  However, the card is actually upright and shows me blossoming and being ready to spread my wings and fly.

I think I'm finally in a place were I can really love.  I can accept that I am worthy of love and worthy to be someone's partner.

December 25, 2017

Last year in a lot of ways was about laying the groundwork for being ready for love.  It was about understanding what unconditional love is and what it isn't.  Unconditional love is about loving someone in spite of their annoying habits and idiosyncrasies, but it is not about loving someone who is abusive.  It is also not about sacrificing yourself on the altar of love.  John demanded sacrifices that I wasn't willing or ready to give and his favorite line was, "Well if you loved me, you would.."  However, that's not what love is.  Love is not about forcing or guilting someone in to doing something.  It is about giving and receiving love with an open heart. 

Love doesn't mean that you have the right to demand someone sacrifice themselves for you.  You can accept someone's sacrifice, but you cannot demand it.  John constantly browbeat me and manipulated me under the pretense of love.  I'm strong enough now to accept and realize that if he truly loved me, he would not have demanded the sacrifices he demanded. 

I'm so proud of how much I have grown and matured in the past year because I am in a place where I understand what love is and I understand that it is okay to say no to someone you love and that it is okay to set boundaries with someone you love.

Ten of Wands

 September 27, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card as it shows the women both carrying the flame and walking through the flame.  Additionally, she is shown brought to her knees by the flames.

Book:  I release all guilt that arises from lessening  my load.

Guidance:   Nourish your heart and spirit

Journaling:

I love the meaning in this card and it encompasses a lot of what I am learning.  I took on too much at da Bird.  I should have just done change management and if I only worked four hours a day, so be it.  I get all caught up in having to work 8 hours, but I'm not getting paid by the hour, I'm getting paid to deliver and if there isn't enough to do, that is not my problem.  I learned a lot and a big part of it was not always raising my hand.  That is a lesson that I need to reflect on as I'm on to the next big adventure.

I also have to accept that taking care of me is not a bad thing.  I chose not to go out tonight because I didn't want to.  I just wanted to chill out, take the dogs for a walk, and have a quiet evening at home.  And that's all good.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today sitting on the couch with the doggos.  However, I had a good day at work and then I took the doggos for a walk.  They even got pets and hugs from the UPS man.

Weather:  It was rainy earlier today, but it turned into a nice day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 3%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:17/7:16

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 May 26, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Burdened, faces in the castle, carrying more than my fair share

Book: Burden, responsibilities, effort, excess, work

Guidance: Water the seeds to grow your work

Journaling:

The guidance for this card is like a knife through my heart as it is telling me that I need to put my time and attention on where I want to go and not on the bullshit work that I'm doing.  If I want to move into a teaching and research position,   Your life goes where you put your energy and right now my energy is going into something that doesn't make me happy.  I need to figure out how to transition to putting  my energy toward things that do make me happy.  I'm going to start putting at least some time every Friday afternoon toward my dissertation project and my book.  Even though I would like to put more time toward it, I know that my body just isn't up for that.  I just have to keep reminding myself that slow and steady does win the race.

Where:   I'm at home and it was one of those super painful days where I was just exhausted and feel as if I have absolutely no energy.  I went to bed early.

Weather:  It was overcast this morning while we were out and about and now it is raining.  It is actually kind of relaxing to sit here in the living room with the rain outside the window.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 25%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:55 am / 8:51 pm

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January 11, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Divine

First Impressions:  Being crushed under the pressure of tasks

Journaling

Interesting that I drew this card twice in little over a week.  I also have to confess that I initially tried to put it back because I just journaled on it, but then it jumped out again so I knew my guides really had messages for me.  Today was definitely a ten of wands day as I sat down at my desk and felt like I was already behind.  Glenn slammed us with a task to pull together information on what the plants did last year and what is coming up. One of the things  multiple pulls of the Ten of Wands are telling me are that I need to delegate.  I need to let go of the idea that I am the only ones that can do certain things and learn to trust other people.  I have had to start involving other people and handing things over.  That is super hard for me to do.  However, I've started out by trusting Mercedes and learning to hand small things over to her.  Now I have a couple of other people I'll be handing things over to and it is really hard, but I have to trust them.  

I think life has gotten so overwhelming because I have been reluctant to ask for help and delegate, but if I don't, I am going to stay stuck.  I've started doing that at home too because I just can't keep up with it all so I have to do what I can and start trusting others to do things to be best of their ability.

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January 3, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Circle of life, growing from decay

Book: Overwhelmed, stressed, obligation, refusing aide, duty

Guidance:  Accept help when it is offered

Journaling

This is a message that I really needed to hear today as I believe that no one can do things as well as I can so I turn down help.  I turn down the kids cooking dinner, I turn down people helping me at work, etc.  While it is true that in a lot of situations people will not do as good of job as I can, it is also true that if I coach them and work with them, they may be able to do as good or better of job than I can.

I think there is a part of me that really fears being doing as good of job as I can because if someone else can do as good of job or better than I can, then what use am I?  However, what I have learned is that a lot of people can do pieces of what I do as good or better than I can, but there are very few people who can do the breadth of what I can do well.  I also know that the truth of it is that if I can mentor people to do the things that I can do, then I can more exciting things.  If I hold on so fiercely to things, then there will not be opportunities for me to grow and do new things.  I need to commit to mentoring people to do some of the things that I do so that I can move on and do more things.  

To be honest, this is why G. is successful as manager, he can't do what I can do or what the PMs can do, but he can oversee it and point us in the right direction.  I think I am so used to doing the work that it is difficult for me to conceive of not knowing all the ins and outs of what people do.

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September 25, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Reaching into simplicity, leaving the confusion behind

Book:  Confusion, carrying too much

Guidance:  Return to a belief in the goodness of nature

Journaling

This is an interesting read on the ten of wands.  I chose this card because I'm feeling overworked and overburdened as if everyone else's problem has become my problem.  However, the realaity is that I have a savior complex and I want to jump in and save the day.  I volunteer when I should just keep my mouth shut.  I did that this week when I volunteered to go to that client on Friday.  That was a stupid thing to do because it means that I won't get home until Friday night and that really pisses me off.  However, it was my own idiot fault.  I volunteer to let people take advantage of me, then I get pissed when they do.   I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

One of this aspects of this card that I really found interesting was viewing the burdens as different spiritual paths and taking he action to simplify.  That's interesting guidance for someone who has a fascination with all religious practices.  One of the messages that I take from that is that they all do lead to the same place and that's something that I have always believed.  I think we find the path that is right for us based on who we are, but that every path has value and every path can be that simple stick we carry forward with us.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the exchange with Sean

I'm grateful Cam is okay

I'm grateful for the conversation with John

I'm grateful for the thank you from Joe

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July 12, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Overshelmed, hiding out

Book:  Burdens, taking on more than we can handle, may have to admit their are commitments you can no longer keep,

Guidance:  Prioritize, ask yourself what commitments you can really keep

Journaling:

I feel totally overwhelmed today and if there is not time to do everything that I need to do.  I want to finish school and it is so important to me, but I don't know how to do that and meet all my commitments at work.  There is a part of me that just wants to curl up and sleep and let the world pass me by.  In fact, that's what I did last night.  I went to bed and slept for 13 hours straight.  It felt wonderful, but I woke up and still have the stuffy head and feel awful.  I think the secret is that I have to be willing to let my body rest.  I abuse my body so much by pushing myself too hard because I think I can do it all.  However, the reality is that I can't do it all and I need to treat my body with respect.  I need to stop and say, "Enough!"

This weekend is my weekend of enough.  There is stuff to clean, I need to finish painting, I need to clean out the car, and there is still work to be done.  But I don't have the time, the energy, or the inclination to do it.  I've said enough and I just need to relax and sit back and be peaceful.  I need to cook and eat simple food, I need to snuggle the dog, I need to binge watch Bourdain, and I need to make time to just be.  When I push myself so flipping hard, I'm like the person in the image with the world falling down around her ears as she becomes buried by responsibility.  The amount of work to do can seem scary and overwhelming and I've realized that sometimes it really is okay to just say no, to say no to the extra work, to say no to going somewhere, to say no to doing one more thing.  It really is okay to just say no.

Gratitudes

Decent sleep

Kudos from David

Kudos from Arlona

Going to bed early

My bedroom not being miserable

Sitting outside with the dogs

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January 1, 2018

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Weighed down and burdened

Book:  Bent over from the weight of his burden, vision is blocked, cannot see beyond visible path

Guidance:  Don't allow yourself to be a beast of burden, be positive

Journaling

This card really sums up where I've been lately.  It really feels as if I am walking around carrying everyone else's burdens and doing things to make life easier for others.  I'm tired of doing that and I'm tired of sacrificing.  I'm also tired of being lonely and empty inside.  I just feel so unloved and so empty.

Clean house and get rid of the junk and you'll feel better.  Also let go of getting your sense of self/reason for living from external sources.

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November 13, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Taking on burdens that are not ours

Book:  Almost finished with arduous task, light at the end of the tunnel inspires you

Guidance:  Draw on your most basic instincts for the strength to finish what you started, do not stop too soon

Journaling

This card is a reminder to me to not take other people's burdens on.  I'm really bad about taking burdens on that are not mine to bear.  I'm especially bad at taking on my daughter's burdens.  That poor kid has so much to bear.  I need to help, but I also need to let her blossom into the strong and independent person that she is.

Please dearest ones, hold her in your arms and help her.  Help her to know she is always loved.

November 20, 2017 Review

I need to let go and let other's find their own way.

October 30, 2018

I am still really bad about taking on things that are not mine.  Like the other day I was looking on job sites for jobs for my daughter.  She is 26 years old, she is perfectly capable of looking for jobs herself.  I also need to stop cleaning up after everyone even though in some ways it is easier to just do it than to complain to people.  The problem is that when I do just break down and clean up after people, I end up being resentful and unhappy.  I need to find a middle way that marries my own peace of mind with holding people accountable.

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May 10, 2017

Deck:  Herbal tarot

First Impressions:  Carrying too many burdens

Book:  Parts of the load are someone else's.  You need to learn when enough is enough.  Become focused on changing your goals

Guidance:  Look for ways to lighten your load.  Pace yourself.  Don't try to do too much.  As for help.  Allow others to carry their responsiblities.

Affirmation:  I lighten my load

Journaling

Interesting card as it is telling me some of my burdens are not my own.  I know that means karmically as well as my immediate family.  I had an intreseting dream / knowing last night.  I've always thought my dad would like X because he's a standup guy, but I saw a different perspective last night as my dad would focus on his romantic history.  I've moved on from these facts to realize that you have to seize happiness.

May 14, 2016 Revisit

It's interesitng to see the situation through another perspective and try to figure out what my dad would have thought.  It's also intresting that I bring out the bad boy in X to a certain extent.  I make him laugh and am sometimes a playmate.  I don't think others always see that side of him as they just see the white knight.

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September 28, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

Name of Card:  Ten of Rods

First Impressions:  These bundles look joyous as they are tied with a red ribbon.  The man is elderly and has red and gold on his cloak.  It may be autumn as the hills in the distance are purple and orange.  This card usually speaks to me of trying to do too much or carrying burdens that are not my own, but the joyousness in this card is throwing me.

Book:  Overburdened, bent on self sacrifice, taking on others burdens, overworked, overburdened, cannot see the path ahead.

Guidance:  Set better boundaries, do not take on other people's stuff.

Journaling:

This was exactly the card I needed to pull today.  Gateway is being their usual moronic selves.  They are making decisions with no input from anyone, then are confused when things blow up in their faces.  However, at the end of the day all of this is their bullshit and I'm not responsible for their decisions.  Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually it is their bullshit, I am taking it on and feeling responsibility.

I think I have to repeat to myself over and over, "It's not mine, none of it is mine, it is not about me.  All of this is about them and their bad decision making.  I just need to let it go and accept that they are crazy."

December 23, 2017 Recap

Working at Gateway was actually a really good experience for me as I got to experience codependency from the outside looking in.  It was amazing to me how this organization that is dedicated to battling addiction exhibits so much codependent behavior.   They constantly took on insanity that wasn't theirs and thought they could fix, manage, and control things that were unfixable.

In retrospect, it also gave me a glimpse into how really good people could behave in such crazy ways.  It truly helped me to gain compassion for those, including myself, who make seemingly crazy decisions because they're driven by codependency. 

One of the biggest lessons I've had to learn over the past year is that I am not responsible for anyone's feelings but my own. Of course, that doesn't mean that I get to say mean things and not apologize, but it does mean that I need to make decisions that are in my own best interests and if other people don't like them, too bad.  I made the decision not to talk to my mother because being around her is not in my best interests.  I know that hurt her, but I explained my decision and she has made the choice not to change her behavior.  Once she made that decision, there was nothing else I could do expect gracefully step away.  It is hard and there are a lot of days when I wish I had a big family to hang out with, but my small little family is loving and peaceful and that matters.

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May 10, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Fire (pulled reversed)

First Impressions:  Despair, hopelessness, loss of everything that is important, trapped within the flames

Journaling

This is a card of release and of trusting the unverse to overcome the devestation.  It is about knowing that fire is part of the cycle of life and that out of the devastation there is new growth.  It is about accepting that what once was will never be again, but that in its place something new will grow.  Just like no one knows exactly what mix of plants will grow after a fire, I don't know how my new life will play out.  All I can do is surrender and trust that the universe will provide.  I've done my planting seeds, now I just need to trust the universe will provide and that there will be rebirth.

I have to surrender my expectations of what those outcomes are.  That is the most difficult part.

January 5, 2022 Review

It's interesting as I revew this post, because until I reread this I never realized how different the reading for the Gaian Spirit was from the more traditional ten of wands.  In a way they are both about burdens as a fire creates its own kind of burden.  It is also interesting to read this five years after I wrote it as my life has changed a lot since I wrote that.  I have a job where I don't travel so much and I got my MA degree, which wasn't even on my radar at the time I initially posted this.

Two of Swords

 September 26, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Thunder

First Impressions:  This card makes me sad as the person has gone within and seems to have withdrawn from everyone and everything.

Book:  I am at home with myself.  I am supported by the world around me.  I take the time I need to listen.

Guidance:   Go within to find clarity

Journaling:

I love this reminder to go within to find clarity.  All too often, I look outside of myself for clarity, but that is not where it is found.  Clarity is found inside.  It is when I take time to listen to myself.  One of the overarching messages I have been receiving lately is that I don't have to give 100% to any job. I just have to meet the needs of the job.

At the bird, I should have never volunteered for more work.  I should have just done my own job and let everything else fail.  I would have ended up working like 4 hours most days and that would have been okay.  I just need to do what is expected of me.  Then I will have time for the things that are important to me.

I also need to think about what is important to me and where I want to go with my life.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and spent the day working.  Then Sean and I had a blowup over him leaving sauce on the counter.  Come to find out he was really upset because a dog at the apartment complex jumped out of a second floor window to get to Wendy.  He got up and walked, but was limping.

Weather:  The weather has been off and on all day.  It rained for a bit this morning, but it has cleared up now.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 0%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:16 / 7:18

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August 25, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Thunder

First Impressions:  Sadness, curled onto oneself, crying.  The seal in this card makes me think of Sedna.

Book:  The ocean embraces you, retreat into the peaceful waters

Guidance:   I am at home with myself.  I am supported by the world around me.  I take the time to listen.

Journaling:

I need to have some me time and even though I felt bad saying no to Cam coming with me, I need time alone and I never seem to get it.  Every time that the kids are supposed to leave, something comes up and they don't go anywhere.  I want time alone in my own house and I never ever get it.  And the house just feels like it is filled up with more and more stuff.  I know some of it is mine, but a lot of it is the kids.

It is getting really hard to not feel resentful of the kids taking over my house.  I love them dearly, but I want space and time alone.  I think that's why the thought of buying this house in Sharon and having space for myself is kind of exciting.  Maybe someday I will have my house to myself, but I guess the only way I get time alone is to go out of that house.  I'm thinking when I buy this house I spend a week at the house and a week in Cleveland.  I will also have to make sure I get the yard fenced so that I can let the dogs out.  I won't trust them at first.  I just have to keep trusting that it is all going to work out.

Where I'm At:  I drove to Buffalo today and had a lovely day.  It was a beautiful day to drive and I took the long way along the lake and it was just beautiful to see the vineyards and the lake.  I really do love living along Lake Erie.  I wish I could figure out a way to afford to live along the lake.

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day today.  The sun was shining and there was just a hint of a breeze.  When I got to Buffalo, it was warm, but then there was this beautiful breeze.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 3%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:44 / 8:12

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March 9, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Being picked part, this is how I feel when I am overwhelmed with responsibilities and it feels like everyone wants  piece of me

Book:  Stalemate, a crossroads, opposing ideas

Guidance:   Make a choice

Journaling:

As I reflect on this, I realize I am not in a position to make a choice and that's okay.  I am physically exhausted, overwhelmed with work and school, and stressed beyond belief by the pandemic.  I need a break as I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically broken right now.  I need time to take care of me and not have to deal with Wendy whining, the dogs fighting, the kids struggling to find jobs, and all the other stressors that I have in my life.  I just need to take a break.

Maybe I do need to go away with Wendy for a weekend.  I could find a cabin or someplace that will let me have a dog and she and I could leave on a Friday and come back Sunday afternoon.

Where I'm At: I'm sitting on the couch with Sean and Clark and Wendy is sitting in the orange chair looking sad that Clark is on the couch with us.  She's giving me the sad face that's breaking my heart.  I am also so exhausted that I can't sleep straight.  I haven't gotten a good night sleep all week.

Weather: It is cold and icky outside today

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 41%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:46 am / 6:27 pm

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 January 4, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Calming oneself before making a decision, reflection, not making decisions out of blind emotion

Book: Facing fears, precarious position, stalemate, denial

Guidance: When faced with hard choices, they must be made at some point in time.  You cannot let them linger too long.

Journaling

The one aspect of this card that is new for me is facing fears.  In the past, I've spent a lot of time making decisions out of fear.  I was afraid of being broke, I was afraid of not having the money I needed.  However, I've never thought about the flip side of the fear which is being trapped in a life I hate.  I don't like my job.  It bores me, I hate the politics, I feel like nothing I do matters.  I stay only because of the money.  However, the bad part of that is because I'm unhappy, I spend more than I should which means I have less money and am more trapped.  

The truth is that I get bored at once job and jump to one that is doing the exact same thing for someone else.  What I really want to be able to do is help people and to make a difference.  I don't do that in the job that I'm in.  However, I need to stay one more year so I will be vested in my 401K.  It would be stupid to walk away from about $20k.  I will take this year to explore what fascinates me, to work on my MS in Thanatology, to explore PhD programs and to develop a plan to do something different and to not just jump into another job doing the same thing.  I will also spend this year facing my fears of being broke and figure out how I can build some internal security by paying off bills and putting myself into a better financial situation.

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May 5, 2020

Chicory is an interesting plant for me because when I was growing up and we would go on trips with my grandmother, she would always point it out and call it Blue Ruin.  As this was in the days before the internet, I had no way of looking it up to see why it was called that and she didn't know either.  I did Google it, but couldn't find anything related to it being called Blue Ruin.  Why that memory is important is that Chicory (Two of Air) in The Herbcrafter's Tarot is telling me to let go of long held beliefs and to let go of worn-out beliefs and one of the messages that my grandmother hammered into my head was that I needed a man to survive.  Starting when I was about 14 or 15 every time I went to visit her, she would ask if I had a boyfriend yet and when I went to college, she wasn't interested in what I was learning or what was happening at school, all she cared about was whether or not I had a boyfriend.

She wasn't the only one that was drilling the message into my head that I needed a man to be whole, my parents were also sending that message.  My father made it clear that the only degree he would pay for was an accounting degree because then I could support myself in the event that I had to.  When I reflect upon that now, I'm realizing that the message was that supporting myself was a fall back plan because the ideal course of action would be to be supported by a man while I did the "housewifely" things like cooking and cleaning.  Why would a woman ever want to support herself?  My mother reinforced this idea by expecting everything I did in life to be about someone else.  This continued up until the day I had had enough with her and cut her out of my life.  That day came when I told her I was separating from my husband and her questions where "How are the kids?" and "There's not going to be a divorce, is there?"  There was no concern for me or how I felt, instead it was (as it had always been) about everyone else.

I've worked hard in the last 10 years to learn that I am an amazing and awesome person all by myself and that I don't need someone to support me.  That doesn't mean I don't want someone in my life, but it does mean that I've learned that I am a whole human being all by myself.

The Wise Leader reinforces this by reminding me that I can be a beacon for others and I can lead people.  This has been a hard lesson for me as well as my father continually reminded me that women were not leaders, women should not be in a position of power over men.  The last few years have been about coming into my own as a person and as a leader and I'm realizing that I am strong and that I can stand proud and lead people.

These were awesome cards and a good reminder for me to continue to let go of all the old and hateful lessons.

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September 26, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Looking within to decide whether to continue to protect herself or put down her swords and open herself to something new

Guidance:  A choice needs to be made

Journaling

I love the reading on this card as it seems like I always have my swords up, I don't seem to be able to let down my guard and let people in.  I also am realizing that I hold in a lot of pain and I don't seem to be able to let it out.  I also like to be the hero and that hurts me a lot as it means I give up time with my family and my baby doggie to go and rescue people who have gotten themselves into jams.  The thing is I have had my swords up and my shields up for so long that I don't know how to let them down and let people in.  I really want to have people in my life who care about me, but that's hard to do when I work this crazy funky job where I travel all the time. I also know that the work and school are distractions that make me feel worthwhile.  It seems hard to believe that I am worthy just for being me.

It's interesting that as I started to write this, my shields went up and I didn't even want to go back to the cards as it seemed too painful and too emotional.  I've also been reading about breathing meditations and how they ask you to sit with the pain and let it flow.  That is hard for me as I've learned that when I start jumping from window to window or thing to thing that there is something that I'm avoiding and this card hit me in the pit of my stomach and that means that I like to think I've let go of the pain and that I'm open to love that I'm really not.  There is still a part of me that feels unworthy of love and that feels as if I have to have my shields up to prevent people from seeing how unworthy I really am.  It makes me sad that there is a part of me that feels that way and I'm not sure how to reach that little girl deep inside me and comfort her and hold her and tell her that all the people that said mean things were wrong.

I think I need to go back to the inner child meditation and spend some time comforting that scared little girl inside of me.  I've done some of that work, but it seems that it is

Gratitudes

I'm grateful my flight was on time

I'm grateful for the good convo with Tom

I'm grateful for the red jeep

I'm grateful Sean arrived safely

I'm grateful that my hotel is quiet

I'm grateful for the Portillos

January 4, 2022 Review

I'd forgotten about this interpretation of the Two of Swords as protecting one's heart.  I reread Lisa's interpretation of the card and I realize that I am still protecting my heart.  There is a part of me that is really afraid of doing coaching or counseling because, as an empath, I pick up people's pain and to be a good coach, I need to put down my shields and see people's pain and that is terrifying for me.  However, maybe another way of looking at it is that I can acknowledge their pain, but I don't have to take it on.  If I don't take it on, I can better help guide them.  This is something to think about.

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July 16, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Actively making a choice, not being passive

Book:  Conscious choice to retreat, Confidence, mental agility, peace, and composure are the gifts of this card

Guidance:  Go within and calm your mind, listen closely to your intuition, stay connected to your feelings, do not run away, be prepared to take action

Journaling

I love this card as it shows someone who is not being passive and not just sitting there waiting for a decision to happen.  It seems this person is actively choosing to make a decision and accepts that going within is part of that process.  What I sometimes struggle with in going within is letting go of the fear and the mental chatter as those are the two things that always trip me up.  What helps is when I am able to let go of my preconceptions and choose to listen to the goddess.  When I can do that, I can listen to my intuition.  I know that I am being led right now and I'm not sure exactly what the path is, but I know that there is a path and it is being shown to me.

There is a part of me that would just love to say F* it and go live on a mountaintop somewhere and not have any worries or responsibilities.  However, the truth of the matter is that we always have responsibilities and we always have cares and worries.  I think I'm still feeling jealous because even though on paper I have the better life, it seems that John has the less stressed life as he just gets to live on government funding in North Carolina while I have to work my ass off to keep moving forward.  In my perfect world, I'd spend all day doing research and writing, but I don't live in my perfect world and I need to pay the bills.  I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep working to figure things out.  At the end of the day, that is really all I can do.

What my intuition is also telling me about this card is that I need to make some time to actively search for my right path.  I need to make some time where I can let go of all the weirdness and all the work and just go within.

Gratitudes

Cam was accepted into the English program

Cindy is looking forward to our meeting

I am feeling a little better

Yummy Greek potatoes

Good Steering Committee

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November 20, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Experiencing conflict between logic and intuition,  battle between head and heart remains unsolved

Guidance:  You have to decide, lock on the decision and decide, pretending it isn't there, won't make it go away

Journaling

I've made my decision.  I'm going to manifest a relationship with X.  I know the risks an I know the potential hurt, but I'm ready to move forward.  Life is not without risk and pain and unless I embrace this fully, it will not happen.  No more wimpy magick that says or something better.  There is no something better.  He is who I want and that's that.  And I'm not going to focus on the downsides or how it will play out, I'm going for it.

November 25, 2017 Review

Making a decision to truly commit and go for it is a little difficult, but I'm ready.  I've been working on letting go of all the excuses I've come up with for it not working and I'm done making excuses.

I am worthy and I deserve happiness.

November 9, 2018 Review

I'm realizing that it truly is because I am worthy and deserve happiness that the relationship with X did not happen.  I'm realizing that at the end of the day, a relationship between us would not have worked.  While he lives in my work world, he doesn't live in my spiritual world and that just wouldn't work.  I've realized that while I was not the desperate divorcee that became a barfly, I was desperate in my own way and chased someone that would have been equally bad for me because I was lonely and had no self esteem.  Now that I am truly valuing myself,  I'm realizing that it is better to be alone than in a relationship that wouldn't work. 

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April 19, 2017

Deck;  Herbal tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Make a decision

Book:  Beginning of a new cycle.  Integrating logic and intuition.  Tranquility and balance.  Deception and being blind to deception

Guidance:  Guard against indecision.  Listen to heart's wisdom.  Make the decision

Affirmation:  I make decisions

Journaling

I'm not sure how to read this card. It could be about someone being indecisive about a decision or about making bad choices.  

Don't drown in a sea of emotions, just take the day as it comes.  Use logic as well as intuition. The problem right now is your inability to receive love.  It is hard for you to open your heart and trust.  Let go of the shield.

January 15, 2022 Revisit

On the messages about letting down the shields and receiving.  This is still really hard for me to do as I often assume that people have ulterior motives.  However, I will say that loving Luke broke my heart wide open.  I loved that boy so much as he was so loving and he seemed to know exactly when I needed him.  I also love Wendy and she is such a reminder to love myself because she and I share some of my least favorable characteristics:  big, loud, bossy, snores, etc.  However, the more I love her, the more than I know I should love myself.

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October 12, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance:  Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust

Journaling

Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now.  I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn't what I want.  I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago.  I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here.  For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week. 

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it.  I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018 Review

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago.  For the longest time, I've chosen to stay with one foot in each city.  However, I'm realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back.  I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind.  he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go.  Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago. 

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May 19, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Air

First Impressions:  Soft still voice, stillness, being connected, choosing to listen

Journaling:

This card is about stillness and listening to guidance.  It is about having those small voices whispering in my ear.  Interesting as I am finally starting to realize that unless things change X and I cannot have a relationship of equals.  He loves rescuing and being the knight in shining armor.  I don't know if he is capable of having a relationship with equals as he has spent his life rescuing women.  he liks to be in that position and when I am really honest with myself, I realize that the times when we were closest were when he was rescuing me.  

I don't know if we ever really had an equal relationship or if it has always been an unequal relationship.  I've always tried to talk myself out of recognizing his chauvinism, but I know it is there.  The small still voice is telling me to walk away.