Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Ten of Cups

August 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Happiness, raising a toast

Book: Celebrating

Guidance: Emotional contentment, a card of appreciation and gratitude

Journaling

I chose this card because it was so nice to have dinner with Scott and to just hang out and talk about all that is going on in life.  It's nice to have people in my life who understand me and who get why I behave the way I do.  We talked a lot about why I'm upset and he asked me a very deep question when he asked me why I thought there was going to be a bad outcome.  I said that the Brock Turner case was on my mind and that I was upset because I was being asked to trust 12 people to make a decision.  However, he reminded me that there was a possibility that it could go well.

At the end of the day, a lot of what I'm feeling is powerlessness and it's not something that I'm comfortable with.  I don't like to not be in control and there are a lot of areas in my life where I am in control and where I get to drive what happens.  However, there are also situations where I have to trust others and those situations make me very uncomfortable.  When I'm put in a position of being asked to trust someone, I get upset and I get defensive, angry, afraid, etc.  I start lashing out at even the people who want to help me because I am afraid.  However, when I finally start hurting enough or when I have a moment of clarity, I remember that I don't have to trust everyone.  I have to trust my guides.  I have to turn it over to them and trust them to do the right thing.  Once I do that it is as if all the anger is out of me and I've deflated.  Then I can be filled back up with good things.

What's interesting about this is that Scott pulled the seven of pentacles in the Vision Quest which is a card of depletion and not a card of waiting or harvest.  Interestingly, I didn't think of it at the time but depletion is what I feel when I let all that anger and stress go.  I feel as if all the negativity has escaped out of me and I feel like I am depleted, but in a good way.  He also pulled the Shaman card and that is a card of power.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the good conversation with Darshan and his decision
I'm grateful for dinner with Scott
I'm grateful for leaving work on time
I'm grateful for staying at a different hotel than the team
I'm grateful for yummy Spanglish
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for fresh fruit
I'm grateful to have money in the bank

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June 22, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Happiness, Joy as a family, sticking together

Book:  Deep satisfaction that comes from finding your path in life, fulfillment, joys of familial love, simple pleasures of domestic life

Guidance:  Take a moment to appreciate your life, your home, and your loved ones, open your heart, dance with the universe, and feel the love that pours forth for you

Journaling

Today was a happy family day.  We hung out together in the morning, then went and had dinner with Sean for Cam's birthday.  We just had Jimmy John's but being together was nice.  We also spent a lot of time playing with the doggos today and just hanging out with them.  There was nothing big or bold that happened today, but it was a nice comfortable day.  I'm learning that sometimes the best days or the days when we just enjoy each other's company and are there for each other.  Cam had a meltdown today because she is having flashbacks and working through stuff, but because I was in a good head space, I was able to listen and be there for her.  Just being there for someone else is such a powerful thing and to know that there are people there for me is very powerful.  I might get really irritated with the kids sometimes, but I love them and I'm happy I'm able to provide for them.

After Seano got home from work, we had cake (again) and opened Cam's presents.  She was so happy with what we got her and so grateful.  I'm glad I can give my kids things that they want for presents and that they appreciate it.  It isn't about having the money to buy expensive things, but it is taking the time to get the things that people want.  I think that's key for me is truly having people listen and take the time to get things that matter.  John never really listened to what people wanted and chose gifts that he thought people wanted.  He also always had intense drama and every occasion ended up being around him.

It is just nice to have a calm and peaceful life.  We don't always get along, but we are able to work through our issues instead of resorting to anger and hate.  That's a nice place to be in.

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April 16, 2018


Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Emotional stability, peace, family harmony

Book:  Happy, family, contentment, lasting happiness, perfect love, card of the heart's desire

Guidance:  You have gained great joy from life

Journaling

I'm not sure what this card means for me as I'm not satisfied with my life and it feels empty and lonely.  I mostly like my job, but am annoyed about certain people's attitudes.  Joe pissed me off today.  Why should we do training material when they are going with someone else for OCM.  That is ludicrous.  If they want all our materials, they can damn well pay for it.  There are days I get so frustrated at work and I feel as if I'm swimming upstream.  And I have to admit that there are days I wonder if it is even worth it.

Maybe this card is a reminder to keep the faith that I can have what I want.  I just need to trust.  Trust is so hard for me.  I always assume that people have the worst intentions.  Maybe I need to start trusting that people do have my best interests at heart. 

Dearest Ones,

Please help me to open my heart and trust.  Please help me to believe that people have good intentions instead of always assuming the worst.

Blessings, Raine

December 29, 2018 Review

Wow!  I completely missed what this card was trying to tell me.  It was telling me that I have an amazing family and that I am truly loved and that instead of focusing on what is wrong with my life, I should focus on the positives.  I have been doing a lot better at doing that lately and I know that it is because I write down my gratitudes  every day, I do a weekly recap, and I pull a card every day.  I also know that a lot of it is due to the fact that I have been reading a lot of spiritual literature.  I've been working to focus on the positives in life and in the world instead of getting weighed down by the negativity.

However, even though I am seeing the positive changes, I also know that I still obsess and I still spend a lot of time focused on the negative and on what is wrong with life.  I need to let go of the negative and start really focusing on what's right in life.  I need to let go of my anger and angst over John.  What he does or does not do is really none of my business.  I need to let go and let him succeed or fail on his own.  I also have to trust that I have provided Sean with as much guidance as I possible can and that he will ask for help and guidance if he needs it.  It is hard to let go, but that's really what I need to do in order to be happy in my own life.
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April 20, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Family, enjoyment

Book:  Celebrate life's rewards, unconditional joy, being grateful for the good stuff, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not lose yourself in the celebration, maintain inner equilibrium, learn new lessons through joy and bliss

Affirmation;  I am grateful

Journaling
I love the ten of cups as it celebrates coming to fruition and having all the good stuff that life has to offer.  The last few years have truly helped me to realize what love is and to open myself up to unconditional love.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Love unconditionally.  Accept imbalance.  Accept being weak.  Let people take care of you.  Be vulnerable.

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December 2, 2016

Ten of Cups
Gilded Tarot
Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family.  Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.

Book:  Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration

Journaling:

This card is such a confirmation of the work I've done.  For the most part I am happy and content with my life.  I do want someone to love, but I've been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc.  The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean.  Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad.  I know I can't say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.

December 28, 2017

I hate it when I write something and put no context around it.  I'm not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn't matter.

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May 13, 2016


Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Overshelmed by the world.  Feeling as if I am constantly battling and life is incredibly difficult.  Feeling overwhelmed.  Death versus life seems front and center.

Book:  Overwhelmed by emotion an feeling like a martyer.

Journaling

I am feeling like a martyer as I feel likie I give and give and give and get nothing in return.  It seems as if the kids just take, take, take, and I don't know how to stop it.  I need to find a way to set clear boundaries for them.  I also know that I want life to be settled now and that isn't realistic.  I need to let life take its course.  In the scope of things, I haven't been moved all that long and I just need to trust the universe.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

When I am realistic about when I wrote this, I realize that it was written about six months after we had moved and the kids still weren't settled yet.  When we moved, I had a job that I kept but the kids had to settle in, find jobs, etc.  It wasn't really realistic to expect them to be settled and in a place where they could contribute.  Things are much better now and although I still feel like I do a lot of heavy lifting, that's changing.



Monday, August 12, 2019

Page of Swords

August 12, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Learning, knowledge, intellectual

Book:  Harmonious symmetry

Guidance:  Open your mind to new ideas, messages come through learning that are a catalyst for change

Journaling

Meeting Heather was such a godsend because it was so much easier to show up since I had already met someone.  I was also thrilled to see such an amazing group gather.  Today was truly a day about opening my mind to new ideas and realizing how intellectual learning stimulates my emotional learning.  I was also so pleased that there were people who were actually interested in my background and thought that I had something to contribute.

What is so amazing is that it truly does feel as if I'm found my niche where I belong and where I can actually add value to the world.  I think part of what I'm feeling right now is that I'm not learning, growing, and adding unique value to the world.  Being at this conference was truly all about learning and figuring out new pathways.  I don't know what those new pathways are yet, but I do know that I'm definitely changing.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful for people being interested in my background
I'm grateful for being included in the Qualitative Research Group
I'm grateful for being in such a beautiful space
I'm grateful for all the great information
I'm grateful for the awesome hummus place that Clam and I went to for dinner
I'm grateful for getting a good night's sleep
I'm grateful for Jeanette

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August 4, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Arrogance, facing the future

Book:  Intelligent and insightful, discovering what is hidden, not afraid to speak the truth

Guidance:  Tailor your talent to the world of human reality

Journaling
The meaning on this card makes me smile as I sometimes race ahead of everyone else and am left looking back waiting for them to catch up.  This card serves as a reminder that I live in the human realm and I need to be kind and to help others along instead of racing ahead of everyone else because I can.  My job generally helps me with that as I get a reminder on every project what it is like to be back at the beginning and starting over. 

The page of swords also serves as a reminder that learning can be fun and that it can be amazing to jump into a pool of new knowledge and learn something new.  We often get so caught up in being the smartest person in the world that we forget what it is like to have beginner's mind and start from the beginning. 

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the yummy Spanglish and flirting with the guy behind the counter
I'm grateful for the safe drive to Chicago
I'm grateful that the Delta fixed my reservation for me
I'm grateful that it was a nice day for a drive
I'm grateful for driving down State Street with my top down
I'm grateful for seeing the beautiful moon

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Tarot Blog Hop: What's in a Name?



Introduction

As the heat of the summer bears down upon us, our wrangler Jay Cassels gave us the fascinating question of "What's in a Name?" as a challenge.  He said, "This month's hop is in many ways following on the idea of timing posed in our last hop at the Solstice. The Wheel of the Year now places us at Lughnasadh or Lammas as it also known. The idea of names got me to thinking about the power that names hold and also the confusion that they hold as well. For this hop, I am asking participants to explore this idea; as always I have presented a few talking points/suggestions but also left it open for the writers muses to take them on whatever journey has come to mind as well..." He gave us several options, but the one that resonated with me was "Challenge yourself: Discuss, show and tell us what life would be like through the cards, if you changed your name..."

I didn't have have to wonder if my life would change if I changed my name, because I did legally change my name eight years ago after my divorce. My birth name was Lorraine Carol Collins, I became Lorraine Carol Enos when I was married, and I legally changed my name to Raine Clara Shakti after my divorce because I no longer wanted my ex-husband's name and I wasn't really my daddy's little girl anymore. I wanted a name that reflected the bold and independent woman that I hoped to become. I chose Raine as a nod to my birth name and because it means Queen in French, I chose Clara because she is a saint who helped me gain clarity, and Shakti because she is the Indian Goddess of Female Empowerment. At the time of my divorce, I needed to claim my power and so I deliberately chose a powerful name.

A little research revealed that one method to figure out your tarot card based on your name is to associate each letter with a number from 1 to 26 (A=1, B=2, etc.). After assigning each letter to a card, add up the value for all the letters in your name. If this number is 1-21, the number equates to the corresponding tarot card (1=Magician, 2=The High Priestess, etc.). As there is no way to get zero using this method, if the sum of the numbers equals 22 it equates to the fool. If the sum of the numbers associated with your name is over 22, then add the digits until you get a number under 22. Here is an example using my birth first name.



After figuring out the formula, I decided to see if the numbers reflected my move from my father's daughter, to my then husband's wife, to being my own independent woman and the results were fascinating.

My First Names (Lorraine & Raine both equal 11)

One of the most interesting things I found in my numerical journey through the tarot was that both my birth name and my chosen name equated to 11 which is either Justice or Strength depending upon the deck.  As I was looking through decks this morning for inspiration and to reflect upon the qualities of those two cards, I was drawn to meaning of the Justice card, depicted by cannabis, from Herbcrafter's Tarot.  "Seek the truth, make informed decisions, and consider the consequences of your actions," according to Lathisha Guthrie.  Reading this, I felt as if my existing definition of the justice card as being about balance and truth took on a new meaning.  When I reflect on Justice as related to my personality, I realize that when I am feeling balanced I do work to find an equitable solution and to find what the right action truly is.  However, when I am out of balance, I am more act to seek blind vengeance than justice.  This card serves as a reminder that my true nature is to seek the truth and to really think about things before making decisions.  It is also a reminder of the importance of balance.

The only deck I have where 11 is actually strength is the Tarot of the Sidhe, the deck I usually work
with for shadow work and that is appropriate here because a lot of times I've let my strength reside in the shadows as I let myself and other people convince me that I was weak and needed to be taken care of.  I've been reflecting upon this a lot as I'm contemplating taking a job as a director and the very word director takes me back to a conversation I had with my father when I was in my 20s.  A woman had applied to a director position in the company I was working with and my father said that she should not get the job because there were men who needed that job to support their families.  As I think about that conversation, I realize that there have been times in my life when I have self sabotaged at work because I didn't think I deserved or should have a higher level position.  The strength card tells me that I have more strength than I give myself credit for.  I was also struck by what Emily Carding wrote about this card as she said that finding strength is about facing our own fears and our own dragons.  That rang so true for me as my dragons were the inadequacy drilled into my head by other people, but since I have realized those are illusions, I've been able to claim my strength.

My Birth Name (Lorraine Carol Collins = 9)

The Hermit speaks of solitude and withdrawal.  This is the card of going within and choosing to listen to our hearts versus the voices of the media and the external world.  There are so many Hermit cards that I love and that speak to me, but for this blog post I've chosen the Hermit from Tarot de St. Croix as I love the image of her coming out of her cave, from her place of contemplation into the world.  In so many ways, the Hermit is my true nature as I much prefer introspective solitude than the bustle of the crowds.  I would much rather curl up with a good book than hit the clubs.  However, the Hermit is also bittersweet to me as it was the taunts my ex would fling at me when we were fighting about going out.  He'd call me a hermit and the way he said the word made me think of madmen holed up in mountain cabins.  Since we have divorced, I've been working to reclaim the meaning of the word as someone who seeks introspection and who does inner work.  It's odd as I write this to think about whether one of the subconcious reasons for changing not only my last name, but my first name was about distancing myself from my ex's hurtful words.  However, the truth of the matter is that we can never truly leave our past behind and the hermit reflects my truest nature.

My Married Name (Lorraine Carol Enos = 14)

I struggled with the relationship between Temperance and my name while I was married as
Temperance implies balance and the magical alchemy that occurs when two things come together and are more than the sum of their parts.  My marriage was not that.  It was a violence mixture of love, hate, passion, and violence.  Much of it caused by my ex-husband's undiagnosed mental illness and ego and my desire for a marriage of equals and not a marriage where I played second chair.  However, as I've reflected on this, I realize that temperance reflects the hopes and dreams I had on the day I took my vows and got married and when I look at it from that perspective, Temperance makes sense.  I normally don't read cards reversed, but I can't help reading the meaning of Temperance reversed and I realize that Temperance reversed truly does describe my life when I was Lorraine Carol Enos.  As Phillip Carr-Gomm write about Fferyllt, which is what Temperance is called in the DruidCraft deck, "You may find yourself involved in arguments, or feeling restless and frustrated.  You may also find that you are going to extremes of behavior or feeling fragmented."  That sums up my marriage nicely as I was constantly frustrated and I was so stressed and on edge lately as I never knew what would make him angry.  As a result, my behavior alternated between being kind and loving and trying to get on his good side to being angry and pissed off because i was so unhappy.

My Chosen Name (Raine Clara Shakti=6)

After calculating the number for my birth name and equating it to the Lover's card, I immediately thought of the traditional meaning of the card which is choices and not really about love.  On the surface alone, this was a lovely correlation as Raine Clara Shakti was a choice.  I deliberately chose to name myself after a Queen, a Saint, and a Goddess in order to claim their power.  At the time I chose my name, I was feeling powerless and choosing my name was a deliberate act to reclaim my power.  My gut instinct also told me that the Lovers card is about balancing our male and female characteristics and that also made sense as moving out of my divorce and into the world as a single woman, I was claiming myself as a whole person and not someone who was defined by another.  Interestingly, as I was looking at cards and through LWBs, I came across The Vision Quest Tarot, which is a lovely deck that I don't use very often.  Gayan Silvie Winter and Jo Dose wrote, "To be able to surrender completely, you must be at the height of your strength.  Most people think only the weak surrender.  But the opposite is true.  You have to have the fortitude to let everything go and to fall into Love itself, without expectations without knowing whether the beloved will respond in kind or not."  This struck me because it reflects a lot of the work that I've been doing lately as I work to come out of my shell and open myself up to to love.  I'm finding that it does take a lot of courage to say, I'm willing to open my heart up and choose to risk heartbreak.

Summary

Journeying through my names and realizing the numerical connections to the cards was a fascinating bit of excavation as I realized how my names have reflected who I was at the time.  It also makes me wonder what the magick of the universe is that makes that happen.

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