Sunday, September 4, 2022


September 4, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  The snake is such a visceral image and brings up so much.  It is reminiscent of the Goddess, it reminds me of the Garden of Eden.  

Book:  When I embrace and love all the parts, I shed old skin and I am whole

Guidance:   Dig deep and coax the scared little one out12


I love the idea of shedding my skin and reclaiming my self.  I have done so much work on who I am and letting go of old wounds, but my mother wound still hurts.  That is such a new agey thing to say, but it is true.  The person who was supposed to love me unconditionally let me down.  She treated me like garbage and like I was nothing.  And she is ultimately responsible for my disastrous marriage.  She trained me that I was nothing.  She trained me that it is okay to let people treat you like shit.  She trained me that I deserved to be abused.

There I said it.  I laid the blame at her feet where it belongs.  I've spent so much time making excuses for her and letting her off the hook.  It feels good to lay the blame where it belongs.  I've always made excuses for her before, but what I'm realizing is that the excuses don't matter.  The why she is like she is.  The why she hurt me doesn't matter.  What matters is that she hurt me.  She took my sweet and innocent little soul and broke it.  It doesn't matter that her mother broke her soul.  It doesn't matter what she went through.  All the matters is the fact that she broke my soul.

What is amazing about claiming victimhood is that it enables me to let go of the shame and guilt I've been feeling.  There is a part of me that has believed that there must have been something wrong with me for Charlene to have treated her child like she did.  However, claiming victimhood puts the onus on her for treating me like that.  It says, I was an innocent child and she was in the wrong.  It's an amazing feeling of redemption and lets me feel lighter and at peace.

However, claiming victimhood doesn't mean that I bear no responsibility for how I live going forward.  I am responsible for doing the hard work of healing.  I am responsible for addressing my own bad behavior and taking ownership of my life.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home chilling out with the doggos.  Gee it feels like I write that every day.  It's raining outside and I'm just enjoying the peace of the morning.

Weather:  It is rainy and dreary, but these are the types of days that I enjoy.  They are perfect for snuggling in and reading.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 59%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:54 / 7:55


July 9, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Awakening

First Impressions:  With her wings she reminds me of the Flying Nun and her expression is interesting as I can't tell if she is upset or thoughtful

Book:  Rebirth, Higher Self, Awareness, Perception, Understanding, Blossoming

Guidance:   Appreciate your beauty and potential


I actually really love the book reading on this card as it is all about being ready for change and being willing to take that step to change.  The universe is telling me that it's time.  It is time for me to move on and to do the next thing.  I don't know what that next thing is, but I think I'm ready.  I'm also realizing that I've had a lot of anxiety about being forced back to the office as i really don't want to have to go into an office any more.  I like working at home and being able to get dinner started and not have to come home from work and get something ready.  Working at home means I have more time for me as I don't have to drive home.  I can just saunter into the kitchen and work. I'm realizing that it is time for me to find a job where the threat of being forced back to the office isn't hanging over my head.

The other thing that I am really starting to realize is my worth.  I am creative and innovative and those are amazing skills to bring to an employer.  I am so grateful for the opportunities I've had at Nestle, but I'm ready to work for an employer who understands that there is no glory in being in the office every day.  It doesn't make people better workers.

Where I'm At:  I spent the day hanging out at home.  I got my laundry done and did some house cleaning.

Weather:  It was nice out as it was only 75 degrees and drizzly.  Exactly the kind of weather I like.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 75%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:59 / 9:03

September 4, 2022 Update

I'm leaving the Nest and there is a part of me that is terrified that I'll fail at my job.  However, what I'm really afraid of is it being found out that I'm not actually where I'm supposed to be.  It is ridiculous to think about having to live in a certain state so I can work remote.  It's gonna be okay though.  


May 28, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Being called home, into the light, sunshine, love

Book: Calling, right of passage, absolution, judgement, weight on the soul, redemption, resurrections

Guidance: Divinity sees all actions, the sting and the honey


The resurrection is a scare tactic in my mind.  It is just a ploy to get people to worship Sky God.  However, I really like this image as it makes me think about being called home by someone who loves me and wants what is best for me.  It is about being called home for dinner or called to hang out with loved ones.  It makes me think of playing on hot summer nights and being called home when it gets dark.  Maybe that is why Christians believe in the resurrection because it makes them feel they have a home to come home to.  That part of it is warm and loving, but the thought of leaving behind people who are not baptized and just disappearing is scary.

When I look at this from a personal perspective of redemption, it reminds me that we are all worthy of redemption.  We are all worthy of love and redemption, but we have to ask for it and we have to change our ways.  Redemption and amends go hand in hand.  We can show one another grace and kindness, but true redemption comes from making amends and genuinely trying to do better.  Someone can choose to forgive us, but forgiveness is not redemption.  Forgiveness says I let go of whatever it is that you did, but forgiveness doesn't mean we want to re-engage and we want that person back in our lives.  I can forgive Charlene for all the shit she did to me and all the horrible lessons that she taught me, but that does not mean she has earned redemption and a place in my life.  

I know that sounds as if I am playing "god" by determining who gets redemption and who does not, but it isn't playing god as it is about deciding who gets to be a part of my life.  And until she makes amends and redeems herself, she isn't getting to be part of my life.

Where: I'm at home today and Summer Fridays started today.  Sean and I went to the Cleveland History museum and it was really nice we spent about an hour wandering and learning and it was just relaxing and nice.  Then we went to Ohio City for a late lunch.

Weather:  It was overcast this morning while we were out and about and now it is raining.  It is actually kind of relaxing to sit here in the living room with the rain outside the window.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 / 8:51

September 4, 2022

Redemption is an interesting concept for me as there have been times I flagellated myself and sought redemption, even when I had done nothing wrong.  My marriage was all about redemption as every time John hurt me, I sought redemption and to make it right.  I believed him when he blamed me.  I never stopped to think that maybe I didn't need redemption because I hadn't done anything wrong.  That's what's different about this time at Nestle.  Brian, the idiot, is scapegoating me for Intelex, but the facts are pretty clear that it is all about management and their failures.  I refuse to pay penance and seek redemption because I did nothing wrong and I'm not going to let him scapegoat me or let him blame me for what happened.  I'm walking out with my head high and an F* you attitude.


July 25, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance, fairness, weighing things

Book:  You are ripe for transformation, reckoning with the past

Guidance:  Open your eyes to a while new way of life, heed the call to be born into a more meaningful existence


This is an interesting card to pull today because I'm in a position where I am being asked to trust management to deal with a horrible situation and I don't know if I trust them.  Our project team is so dysfunctional it isn't funny.  We have people refusing to talk to people, people making snotty comments about the client in the client's building, and a whole host of bad behavior.  And it's being driven by someone high up in the food chain's behavior.  It's making it so that I don't even want to go into the office anymore because of all the bullshit.

I talked to a VP in the organization today and he said that management was going to take care of it and to let them handle it.  That puts all of my hackles up because I don't really trust anyone to do right by me and take care of things.  I especially don't trust people to make things right after I've spoken up. My assumption is that speaking up is going to get me in trouble so I should just flee.  I know that isn't the right thing to thing, but my mind immediately goes into flight mode and if I get really pinned into a corner I will come out fighting.

This goes back to both my childhood, past job experiences, and my marriage.  In my childhood, I never spoke up about being bullied because I was afraid of the backlash.  And when I worked for the military and I spoke out against a first amendment violation, I was arrested.  Of course, since I was pushed beyond my comfort zone, I escaped and assaulted a police officer. Since my divorce, it has been hard for me to trust anyone, especially when I started realizing the depths of Charlene's behavior and how she essentially set me up for my bad marriage.  I was devastated and I was hurt so badly on so many levels, that I learned it became easier to walk away than to stay and learn and grow.  

 I'm in a place now where life is good and for the most part I'm happy, but I'm being asked to trust people and I don't want to.  I want to say fuck it and walk away.   The only thing that is keeping me in my seat is that the people I am working with have proven trustworthy to date and they have for the most part done right by me.  That doesn't mean I don't feel uncomfortable and every bone in my body wants to run away.  Sitting here and trusting is incredibly hard for me.

The fact that this is Anubis is deeply significant for me because I trust Anubis with my life.  He has always been there for me.  He has always protected me.  And he has always guided me.  The fact that I chose Anubis today is significant as it means that choosing to trust will move me to the next realm.  I do not want to trust.  I thought I had grown and changed and that I'd never have to feel these growing pains again, but they are telling me there is sill more to learn.  I think it is time to set up an Anubis altar and sit with the discomfort.

I'm grateful for the support I got from Ted
I'm grateful I got home on time
I'm grateful for laughing with Cam
I'm grateful for sleeping in a cool room
I'm grateful for the weather being nice
I'm grateful for a good call with Michelle

October 19, 2016

  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck, not moving on

Book:  Denial of inner calling, stagnation, procrastination, fear of change, feeling as something is dying, arrived at the wrong conclusion, greater focus on spirituality, complacency

Guidance:  Don't try to change others, take action to move forward


One of the things I'm realizing is that I have to drop the weight.  It is literally killing me.  A big part of the problem is that my life sucks so much that I don't care if I live or die.  I really need to change my attitude and ask for help.  The message I got is that instead of asking for love to ask for health and the love will come.

May 25, 2018  Review

I'm still not doing so well with taking care of my health and there are a lot of days where  feel like I am committing suicide by sugar as I cannot let go of my need for coca-cola.  It feels as if I need it to start and continue my day.  I'm also not exercising very much at all and I feel it in my bones.  I think part of the problem is that I have a serious and chronic sinus infection, which affects my sleep, which affects my energy level, etc.  It is a whole vicious circle.  I've gone back to taking the d-hist and I have to say that I am actually starting to feel a lot better.  The next step is to get a new air filter for my room as the other one seems to have given up the ghost.  I know that the D-Hist and the air filter seriously changed my life before because I started feeling so much better.

The other thing I need to do is find a local acupuncturist because acupuncture helped me so much.  However, I'm realizing that maybe I'm not wanting to find a new acupuncturist out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Kyle.  However, he would want me to move on and start feeling better.  I'm going to call and make an appointment tomorrow.

September 4, 2022

I've been on a diabetes medicine for a while and while my sugar numbers are still horrible, the medicine is controlling my appetite.  I'm able to eat normal amounts of food and I'm not constantly starving.  That's a good feeling and it helps me to understand what a normal appetitle is.
September 19, 2016

Deck;  Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions:  The people are naked and although it is supposed to be a family, they all seem very young.  The cloud by the angel is pink.  The people seem to be waving to the angel.  I don't know if they are just saying hi or if there is more to it than that.  This card is about a reckoning and reawakening.

Book:  Awakening, realization, rebirth, call to change, and decision making.

Guidance:  Listen to your heart


Awakening is an odd theme for the day.  I was so exhausted yesterday that I could barely keep my eyes open.  This job is getting more and more physically wearing and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to push myself like this.  There is a large part of me that wants to get a job in town, but I'm kind of afraid of what that would look like.  I think I need to do some research and see if I could make that work.

December 22, 2017 Review

It's been over a year since I originally wrote that and I've switched jobs, but am still traveling.  I'm feeling somewhat better than I did then and am not as exhausted all the time.  However, I've also realized that I really need to pay attention to my physical health and be cognizant of when it is getting to be too much or me and step back.  I don't always do a great job of that, but it's a lesson I do need to learn.

May 11, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Awakening, Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, not open to new things, reluctant to change


Am I stuck in my ways and unwilling to trust spirit  Am I so afraid that they won't provide that I am standing in my own way?  All the cards lately have been about trust and about letting go.  I need to let go of the past.  I need to let go of expectations.  I need to trust them.  I can't control whether or not X loves me.  I can't control whether or not I get this job.  I can't control the kids and I can't control Gateway.

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