September 4, 2022
First Impressions: The snake is such a visceral image and brings up so much. It is reminiscent of the Goddess, it reminds me of the Garden of Eden.
Book: When I embrace and love all the parts, I shed old skin and I am whole
Guidance: Dig deep and coax the scared little one out12
Journaling:
I love the idea of shedding my skin and reclaiming my self. I have done so much work on who I am and letting go of old wounds, but my mother wound still hurts. That is such a new agey thing to say, but it is true. The person who was supposed to love me unconditionally let me down. She treated me like garbage and like I was nothing. And she is ultimately responsible for my disastrous marriage. She trained me that I was nothing. She trained me that it is okay to let people treat you like shit. She trained me that I deserved to be abused.
There I said it. I laid the blame at her feet where it belongs. I've spent so much time making excuses for her and letting her off the hook. It feels good to lay the blame where it belongs. I've always made excuses for her before, but what I'm realizing is that the excuses don't matter. The why she is like she is. The why she hurt me doesn't matter. What matters is that she hurt me. She took my sweet and innocent little soul and broke it. It doesn't matter that her mother broke her soul. It doesn't matter what she went through. All the matters is the fact that she broke my soul.
What is amazing about claiming victimhood is that it enables me to let go of the shame and guilt I've been feeling. There is a part of me that has believed that there must have been something wrong with me for Charlene to have treated her child like she did. However, claiming victimhood puts the onus on her for treating me like that. It says, I was an innocent child and she was in the wrong. It's an amazing feeling of redemption and lets me feel lighter and at peace.
However, claiming victimhood doesn't mean that I bear no responsibility for how I live going forward. I am responsible for doing the hard work of healing. I am responsible for addressing my own bad behavior and taking ownership of my life.
Where I'm At: I'm at home chilling out with the doggos. Gee it feels like I write that every day. It's raining outside and I'm just enjoying the peace of the morning.
Weather: It is rainy and dreary, but these are the types of days that I enjoy. They are perfect for snuggling in and reading.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 59%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:54 / 7:55
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July 9, 2022
Deck: Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot
Card Name: Awakening
First Impressions: With her wings she reminds me of the Flying Nun and her expression is interesting as I can't tell if she is upset or thoughtful
Book: Rebirth, Higher Self, Awareness, Perception, Understanding, Blossoming
Guidance: Appreciate your beauty and potential
Journaling:
I actually really love the book reading on this card as it is all about being ready for change and being willing to take that step to change. The universe is telling me that it's time. It is time for me to move on and to do the next thing. I don't know what that next thing is, but I think I'm ready. I'm also realizing that I've had a lot of anxiety about being forced back to the office as i really don't want to have to go into an office any more. I like working at home and being able to get dinner started and not have to come home from work and get something ready. Working at home means I have more time for me as I don't have to drive home. I can just saunter into the kitchen and work. I'm realizing that it is time for me to find a job where the threat of being forced back to the office isn't hanging over my head.
The other thing that I am really starting to realize is my worth. I am creative and innovative and those are amazing skills to bring to an employer. I am so grateful for the opportunities I've had at Nestle, but I'm ready to work for an employer who understands that there is no glory in being in the office every day. It doesn't make people better workers.
Where I'm At: I spent the day hanging out at home. I got my laundry done and did some house cleaning.
Weather: It was nice out as it was only 75 degrees and drizzly. Exactly the kind of weather I like.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 75%
Sunrise / Sunset: 5:59 / 9:03
September 4, 2022 Update
I'm leaving the Nest and there is a part of me that is terrified that I'll fail at my job. However, what I'm really afraid of is it being found out that I'm not actually where I'm supposed to be. It is ridiculous to think about having to live in a certain state so I can work remote. It's gonna be okay though.
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May 28, 2022
Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: Being called home, into the light, sunshine, love
Book: Calling, right of passage, absolution, judgement, weight on the soul, redemption, resurrections
Guidance: Divinity sees all actions, the sting and the honey
Journaling:
The resurrection is a scare tactic in my mind. It is just a ploy to get people to worship Sky God. However, I really like this image as it makes me think about being called home by someone who loves me and wants what is best for me. It is about being called home for dinner or called to hang out with loved ones. It makes me think of playing on hot summer nights and being called home when it gets dark. Maybe that is why Christians believe in the resurrection because it makes them feel they have a home to come home to. That part of it is warm and loving, but the thought of leaving behind people who are not baptized and just disappearing is scary.
When I look at this from a personal perspective of redemption, it reminds me that we are all worthy of redemption. We are all worthy of love and redemption, but we have to ask for it and we have to change our ways. Redemption and amends go hand in hand. We can show one another grace and kindness, but true redemption comes from making amends and genuinely trying to do better. Someone can choose to forgive us, but forgiveness is not redemption. Forgiveness says I let go of whatever it is that you did, but forgiveness doesn't mean we want to re-engage and we want that person back in our lives. I can forgive Charlene for all the shit she did to me and all the horrible lessons that she taught me, but that does not mean she has earned redemption and a place in my life.
I know that sounds as if I am playing "god" by determining who gets redemption and who does not, but it isn't playing god as it is about deciding who gets to be a part of my life. And until she makes amends and redeems herself, she isn't getting to be part of my life.
Where: I'm at home today and Summer Fridays started today. Sean and I went to the Cleveland History museum and it was really nice we spent about an hour wandering and learning and it was just relaxing and nice. Then we went to Ohio City for a late lunch.
Weather: It was overcast this morning while we were out and about and now it is raining. It is actually kind of relaxing to sit here in the living room with the rain outside the window.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 4%
Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 / 8:51
September 4, 2022
Redemption is an interesting concept for me as there have been times I flagellated myself and sought redemption, even when I had done nothing wrong. My marriage was all about redemption as every time John hurt me, I sought redemption and to make it right. I believed him when he blamed me. I never stopped to think that maybe I didn't need redemption because I hadn't done anything wrong. That's what's different about this time at Nestle. Brian, the idiot, is scapegoating me for Intelex, but the facts are pretty clear that it is all about management and their failures. I refuse to pay penance and seek redemption because I did nothing wrong and I'm not going to let him scapegoat me or let him blame me for what happened. I'm walking out with my head high and an F* you attitude.
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First Impressions: Balance, fairness, weighing things
Book: Awakening, realization, rebirth, call to change, and decision making.
Guidance: Listen to your heart
Journaling
Awakening is an odd theme for the day. I was so exhausted yesterday that I could barely keep my eyes open. This job is getting more and more physically wearing and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to push myself like this. There is a large part of me that wants to get a job in town, but I'm kind of afraid of what that would look like. I think I need to do some research and see if I could make that work.
December 22, 2017 Review
It's been over a year since I originally wrote that and I've switched jobs, but am still traveling. I'm feeling somewhat better than I did then and am not as exhausted all the time. However, I've also realized that I really need to pay attention to my physical health and be cognizant of when it is getting to be too much or me and step back. I don't always do a great job of that, but it's a lesson I do need to learn.
Deck: Gaian Tarot
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