Monday, October 31, 2022

Knight of Wands

October 31, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  In some ways, this card looks like the devil sitting in front of the gates of hell.  However, I could also see this as an Indian holy man sitting in front of a funeral pyre.

Book:  Searching for meaning, a spiritual quest.

Guidance:   Look within

Journaling:

In some ways, I feel like my entire life is a quest for spiritual meaning and there are days when I feel like I have been looking without for that meaning.  I look for spiritual meaning in books, in candles, in prayer, and in other people.  However, the truth of the matter is that my spiritual meaning has to come from within.  It has to come from the deepest part of the soul.  I don't know what that meaning is yet, but I do believe that I need to find that meaning in myself.

Sometimes I think the meaning is taking care of others, but that is difficult sometimes as there are so many people who will take advantage of you and not respect you.  There are also so many days when I want to just go away and never talk to anyone again.  I love my solitude and I love having my time and space to myself.  Maybe my spiritual meaning is to find and understand myself.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home with the kids today and we had beef pot pies for dinner, cranberry wine, and apples with caramel.  We went through and did the recitation of our beloved dead.  We also talked about the fact that Stella died over the weekend.  Cam and I had both felt like the energy was angsty

Weather:  It was really nice out.  As it is getting to the end of October, it is getting dark earlier, but the weather is nice and has just that perfect crisp in the air.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 41%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:55/6:23


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June 8, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  I love that this knight is dressed in gold instead of silver, his headdress makes him look like a healer, and his wand is a living thing

Book:  Charming, adventure, daring, manifestation

Guidance:   Horus protects those who dare to fly

Journaling:

This card is calling me to be bold, to be my best self, and to know that I am golden.  This card is calling me to engage in magick and find  my place in the world,  It is about being brave, being bold, and knowing where I deserve to go.  It is also calling me to manifest my dreams.  I have been in such a rut lately that I haven't felt like doing manifestation.  However, i think it is time for me to revisit my magick heart.  The first step is to clean the house and clean away all the nasty energy.  I'm going to work on that this week when Sean is gone.

Where I'm At:  I'm in Peoria today.  We finished up early this morning so I went back to my hotel to hang out.  I had my PON call and the Evil M dominated it.  Even though I had multiple topics and she knew that, she acted as if it was all about her.  She always acts as if it is all about her.  I also had the creepiest experience in the hotel.  I was in bed and I felt as if there was a heartbeat going up and down my back.  It spooked me and I thought it might have been Luke or Blake, but I don't know.

Weather:  It was not as hot outside today so I got a lot done.  It was also nice as I actually had energy today, which hasn't happened in a while.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 59%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:27 am / 8:27 pm

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March 18, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Abandon, being surrounded by passion

Book:  Charisma, spontaneity, spirited energy that gets things done 

Guidance:   Bravely pursue the things that inspire you the most

Journaling:

As I think about what inspires me the most, it is being of service and helping illuminate situations that make people think.  I want to help real people and not just help big corporations.  I'm also struggling with patriarchal ways of power because I'm realizing it is all about ego.  At work, people have these ideas and want to enforce them not because they think they are a good idea, but because of their own ego.

I always thought it was suspect when people said that women led differently, but I'm realizing that it is true.  Women are more about servant leadership and about helping other people get ahead.  However, a patriarchal way of leadership is about being in charge and beating one's chest.  Feminist leadership is about reaching out a hand and helping others up.

So how do I live a life that is true to my values?  I think I need to start praying daily for my life to change to meet my values.  

Where I'm At: is a Friday morning and I'm at home.  I have absolutely no desire to work today, but I also did a lot yesterday so I don't have too much to finish

Weather: It is a little chilly out, but it is only 8 am.  It looks like it will be a beautiful day

Moon Phase:  Full

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:33am / 7: 36 pm

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February 19, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Joyous abandon, spontaneity, creativity, spark of joy

Book:  Charisma, spontaneity, fast energy, enthusiasm, spirited energy

Guidance:   Bring adventure and enthusiasm into your world

Journaling:

This is a card of fiery passion and abandon and it has been a long time since I've felt that energy in my life.  I used to think nothing of jumping in the car and setting off on an adventure, but lately it feels like there are to many responsibilities tying me down.  it feels as if life is about meeting my responsibilities and not about the joy of exploration.  However, when I really dig into it, I realize that I spend my life in fear.  I'm afraid of not having enough.  I'm afraid of losing what I have.  

It has been a long time since I have just let myself live.  I think that is what appeals to me about Big Sur as when I am there, I can just be.  I can experience the sunsets, the beach, and the world in a very visceral way that is not part of my every day meeting.  That is part of what I love about the Southwest as well.  When i am there, I inhabit my body and am part of the world in a way that I'm not when I am home.  I think part of it is that this does not feel like my body home.  I don't feel attached to the land in the same way that I do in California and the Southwest.  When I am in those places, I feel at home in my body and my soul.  I've felt less at home in Ohio and the Midwest then ever before this winter.  The winter has soaked into my bones and I feel cold all the time.  Maybe that is why people flee the Midwest for Arizona and Florida, there bodies can no longer handle the cold.

This card is also a reminder of the joys of drumming and how the energy from the drum fills your entire body.  For me, drumming is not about the sound as much as it is about the feeling my body gets from the sound reverberating through my very bones.  As I reflect on this card, I feel it is about feeling the connection of body, mind, and spirit and being in synch with myself.

Where I'm At: I'm at home today and I'm sitting in the orange chair snuggling with Wendy while the sun shines through the picture window.  It is one of those beautiful, but cold days.  

Mood: I'm in a good mood today as I only worked 1/2 a day yesterday and I'm feeling relaxed and calm.  

Weather:   It is beautiful, but cold outside.  It is only 18 degrees, but because it is sunny, it doesn't feel quite so cold.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 92%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:15 am / 6:04 pm

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January 26, 2022


Deck: 
 Tarot of the divine

First Impressions:  out of control, speed, going too fast, heading down a hill, act first and think later

Book:  Adventure, passion, a temper, rebel, eager to fight

Guidance:  Grab what you want to get what you want

Journaling

I used to be the knight of wands and I would jump into action without thinking things through.  I remember one of the first dates that J and I went on and we drove to St. Louis and I didn't have enough money for gas to get home.  I've become more cautious and as I've gotten older I've realized the need to be more circumspect.  However, I miss that girl who threw caution to the wind and jumped in and did things spur of the moment.  While there is something to be said for planning.  In a lot of ways becoming an adult sucks and I think one of the ways it sucks the most is it takes the spontaneity out of life.

Maybe the message of this card is to be the knight of wands and plunge forward fearlessly, but to have a credit card in my back pocket to pay for unseen expenses.
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August 31, 2019

Deck:  
Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Wisdom, endurance

Book:  Searching for enlightenment

Guidance:  Open yourself to the world of spirit

Journaling

I was drawn to this card because it feels warm and wise and the meaning of opening yourself to the world of spirit is apt for me because I need to balance my book learning with opening my heart to new things.  I love my school work, but I also know that I have a tendency to become obsessed and to focus all my energy on brain learning and not let myself take time for the softer types of learning, of feeling, and of being present for myself.  I can sit my butt on the couch and type all day without noticing the beauty and wonder that is all around me.  One way that I know to counter this is to physically get up and clean the house once or twice a day.  Doing so helps me to get out of my head and into my body, and getting out of my head and into my body helps reconnect me with spirit.

The other thing that I need to get better about doing is getting into an actual routine for my tarot journaling.  I've been really bad about not doing that every day and I think that is because I don't yet have a set routine.  I actually like doing it at night because it feels like a really good way to end the day, especially when I am pulling cards deliberately, but lately I've been letting myself get so sucked into school that I haven't made the 10 minutes it takes a day to pull a card and right about it.  I also have to quit working right up until time to go to bed.  The one thing that I am doing right though is making time to connect on the Dark Goddess Lodge.  I'm actually doing the meditations and reflecting on them on a regular basis.  That's helping me connect with spirit on a deeper level and is adding meaning to my life and helping me to grow.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for Sean's yummy casserole
I'm grateful for sitting outside with Cam
I'm grateful for the ever cooling weather
I'm grateful for the yummy Jamocha shake
I'm grateful that Sean brought Mexican pizza home
I'm grateful for being able to afford a cartload of food
I'm grateful that I have money to pay my bills
I'm grateful for laughing with my kids
I'm grateful I made myself spend some time on cleaning
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July 14, 2019


Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Card name:  Seeker of Wands

First Impressions:  Lazy, desert, painful

Book:  Charmer and a flirt, unreliable, can bring energy if there are others to focus it

Guidance: Need for a change of scenery

Journaling

I'm not sure why this card called to me today because I know that I am not lazy and I know I need to steer my horse in the right direction.  Maybe it is a reminder that everything that appears lazy is not.  Most of us have been brought up to believe that sleeping late is lazy, that not working long hours is lazy, that wanting to sit and read a book instead of being outside playing is lazy.  As a result of all that haranguing and complaining, I think we were all taught that to sit and take a breath and to take care of yourself is lazy, but taking care of yourself is the farthest thing from lazy that there is.  Taking care of yourself is smart and means that we have a better life.  Life is really all about balance I and I know that there are some people who are truly lazy, however, I also know that taking care of ourselves, sleeping enough, and doing all of those things that help us take care of ourselves are not lazy.

I was reading Sabbath today and it was an amazing book about how the Sabbath is a day set in time to relax and to take care of ourselves.  We honor God and ourselves when we take time to slow down and let go of work, let go of tension, let go of anger.  There is truly a need for more downtime in this world because when we have downtime we can think and dream and bring more peace to the world.  I think one of the number one causes of stress in the world is not taking time to take care of ourselves. When we push ourselves so hard that there is no time for joy or wonder, we get angry, we get resentful, then we take it out on others.


Gratitudes

Dinner with Sean
Seeing Wendy smile on the way to the library
Sitting here and having peace
Feeling better

February 19, 2022 revisit

It's interesting to read that today as I just finished the book In Praise of Slowness and it truly spoke to my heart.  A lot of the busy, busy, busy culture we live in is about capitalism and consumerism.  Society has convinced us that we cannot be happy unless we are buying things as the next new thing will make us feel better.  And the capitalist overlords want us to be so busy that we don't recognize how little we are getting out of this thing called capitalism.  There is no joy in capitalistic life as it is all about buying more and doing more.

I think one of the most important things we can do for ourselves is to just BE.  We don't have to do anything.  Just BEing is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves, but we don't believe that and spend so much time trying to be someone else.

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October 11, 2016


Deck: 
 Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Fire, Passion

Book:  Passion is the cause, meeting challenges head on, erratic, difficulty completing things, likes to stir conflict

Guidance:  Learn to temper appetites with restraint, balance, passion with restraint, adopt a wait and see attitude


Journaling

All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control.  I'm very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude.  At this point I don't know what I'm up against.  I feel as if I don't know which way to turn.

I know what I want:  to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love.  What I don't know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018 Review

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I've been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect.  Well I've taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately.  I've signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen.  And I've bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I'm not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.
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May 9, 2016


Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Journaling
This card has come up twice within a week and that really makes me wonder why.  Part of me wants to read it as it is about X.  I want to take it literally about playing with fire and about taking risks and being bold.  But there could be so many other aspects of my life this could apply to.  Is it about revitalizing something?  Is it about taking risks and playing with my future? It might be about taking risks and being bold from a career perspective.  I guess I'm going to have to pray and meditate to determine what's going on.

Words:  Bold, Blaze, Risks, Control, Beauty, Self Worth, dancing with fire



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May 3, 2016


Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card Name:  Explorer of Fire

First Impressions:  Being one with the flame, being surrounded by the flame, dancing in the dark, playing with fire.  This card speaks to secrets and the unknown as the woman dancing with fire is masked.  I read this card as someone who is a risk taker, someone who is not afraid of getting burned.  She has a confidence, almost an arrogance.  There may be energy there that is not so playful.


Book:  Playing with fire, taking risks, a woman who is balance, coordinated, flexible, and daring, fire consumes, and transforms, it's important to take precautions when dancing with fire.

Guidance:  Share your enthusiasm and let sparks fly, take a bold stand, move toward what you want in life

Journaling:

I'm wondering exactly what this card means for me.  Does it mean that I'm playing with fire in relationships?  Does it mean I should be bold and make a move?  It's interesting as the fire dancer has come up several times in readings about relationships.  I also wonder if this card is symbolic of the dance we do.

I am getting such a strong message right now that I need to step back and that everything will all work out.  I need to step back and get out of my own way. 

February 4, 2018 Review

Interesting cards lately as I'm really getting the message that it is time for me to be bold about my own life.  It is time for me to choose my own path and to walk away from things that no longer serve me.  And waiting for him to come around no longer serves me.  I deserve a life of wonder and passion and it is time for me to claim that life.

All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control.  I'm very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude.  At this point I don't know what I'm up against.  I feel as if I don't know which way to turn.

I know what I want:  to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love.  What I don't know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018 Review

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I've been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect.  Well I've taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately.  I've signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen.  And I've bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I'm not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.

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April 27, 2016


Deck:
  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Explorer of Fire

Guidance:  You are playing a dangerous game, you like being the center of attention, you like to dominate, let the contours and dramas of our life soften us.

Journaling:

Oddly enough this was the actual card of the day today.  It's interesting to me because they are both fire cards and in some ways have very contradictory meanings.  While the five of fire seems to be a warning about playing with fire, this card is about exploring and getting to know fire.

Is this card telling me that I'm finally ready to play with fire and it is time for him to come into my life?  The funny thing is that I'm not even sure that's what I want in my life anymore.  I'm at a point in my life where I WANT someone in my life, but no longer NEED someone in my life like I did at one point.  I'm fairly strong and confident in who I am all by myself.  I think that's part of why I am so torn because I love my life in Cleveland.  I loving having independence.  I love being able to do what I want with my house and not having to collaborate with anyone else.  I also don't want to be with someone who will hold me back.  I'm at a point in my life where I'm not ready to sacrifice my life for someone else's.

 I was thinking about K. this morning and about how he values and appreciates my journeys.  He sees it as amazing and spiritual and not weird like someone else does.  Someone else sees it as fantasy at best and demonic at worst and I don't know if that's what I want in my life.  Having someone who views my gifts that way is just another way that I put myself down and feel less than.

December 24, 2017 Recap

Interesting as when I originally wrote this, I did feel this way intellectually, but there was a part of my heart that still needed to have someone special in my life and I wanted the person that I wanted.  I've come a long way in the past year and a half and although I do want someone in my life, I've truly become more comfortable in my own skin and I'm realizing the joys of being my own person and not having to answer to anyone.
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April 17, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Fiery passion, plunging ahead

Book:  Expanding and violating aspect of fire, bold and unafraid

Guidance:  Guard against becoming too macho, direct your passion to overcoming personal shortcomings, learn to yield

Affirmation:  I have universal power at my command.  I can and do make a difference

Journaling

I love this card.  It is about blocks being removed and about finding one's power.  Paradoxically, one of the meanings is surrender and I do feel I have to have faith and surrender.  I fell like it is all going to work out with X.  I just need to have faint and surrender my need for control.  I need to trust the future to them.  I've put it out there that i want and deserve love.  I have to trust them while I do magick on me.

April 22, 2016 Revisit

Opening myself to receive is one of the hardest things ever.

Sunday, October 30, 2022

Tarot Blog Hop Samhain 2022: The Ancestors

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The theme of this blog hop is Ancestors.  I am the wrangler for this hop and below is the guidance I gave our hoppers.

Most folks think if Halloween (which is another name for Samhain) as a time for cute costumes and trick or treating. However, in ancient times Samhain was considered the time when the veil between this world and the next was thin and our ancestors could come back to visit us.

Our hop this time around explores the concept of ancestors and our relationship with them. Ancestors do not have to be your blood relatives, but they can be people who have guided you and mentored you in your life. Ancestors can also include people unknown to you.

So to explore the concept of Ancestors, you could:

  • Use tarot cards to explore messages from ancestors
  • Use the cards to delve into regrets you might have around how you treated your ancestors
  • Delve into what you need to know about your ancestors

And of course, as always, you can go in a completely different direction as long as it involves Tarot/Divination and ancestors.

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The plan for my blog hop came when I was laying in bed not able to sleep and started to think about the bad lessons my ancestors had taught me.  I got a little riled up, then I got the message that I should do a spread on lessons and messages from my ancestors.  Just having a plan to communicate with my ancestors calmed me down and I was able to sleep.

In designing this spread, I decided that for each ancestor I chose to communicate with, I would ask two questions:  What lessons did you teach me? and What messages do you have for me?  I'm also mixing things up a little and using two decks for this spread, something I've never done before.  I'm using the Secrets of the Rose Tarot for lessons and the Santa Muerte tarot for messages.  I pulled up photos of my beloved dead, sat in front of my Samhain Altar and let the messages from the dead flow.

Leonard Collins (Dad)

December 30, 1935 to November 28, 2008

I was always a daddy's girl and I know I was the apple of his eye and he was always supportive and loving.  This picture was taken at a a 25th anniversary party for my dad and mom and what I love about this picture is that my dad was very quiet and generally soft spoken, however, he could also be very gregarious and he was in this element at this party as he loved chatting and visiting with folks he had not seen in a while.

However, despite being supportive and loving, my dad also believed very strongly that women belonged at home and should not be in positions of power, especially over men.  It took me a long time to realize how insidious these beliefs were and how much they had adversely impacted my life.  It also took me a long time to reconcile how the father I loved so much could have inadvertently hurt me so much.  I finally had to accept that it really wasn't anything personal and that he was a product of his generation.  I should also note that he would most likely be horrified that I as using Tarot Cards to communicate with him as he was staunchly Christian.

The skull I chose for my father is a cement skull with Celtic designs.  It was purchased in a now defunct new age/head shop in Chicago.  I chose this skull because it is intricate, but not flashy and that really describes my dad.

What lessons did I learn from my Daddy? (Three of Cups)
The line that stands out for me in the guidebook is "Rewards for emotional energies expended on others, with full recognition for time, patience, and effort."  Although in many families, it is the mother who is the emotional bulwark of the family, in mine it was my daddy.  He truly cared about and loved other people and one of the best examples of this was when I was in college and attempted suicide.  My daddy told me it broke his heart that I did that and he wanted to help me through it any way he could.  In contrast, my mother said that "I didn't raise a drunken slut who tries to kill herself."   That sums up the difference in my parents so well.  My mother is all about how things reflect on her, while my daddy took on other people's pain.  I remember when my grandma was dying in the hospital and my daddy told me to always tell people that you love them because you might not get another chance.  

I also got my deep love of animals from my daddy as we always had dogs and once he had a dog, he always loved them no matter what.  When my kids were small, he had a little dog named Gizmo that he had gotten from my aunt.  This dog always begged and was so annoying.  I once asked my daddy why he kept this dog and he said because no one else would.  My dad also had a blue heeler named Blue in the last years of his life and this dog had been abused and didn't trust anyone.  He learned to like attention, but never really wanted his face petted because he was afraid.  His workaround was to present his butt to be scratched and he would wiggle his whole body when someone scratched/petted his butt.   My daddy loved that dog so much and eventually Blue would let my daddy pet his face.  That's who my daddy was, he loved with his whole heart and his example shines through in my life as I work to approach people from a place of love.

What messages does Daddy have for me? (Six of Swords)
The message I am getting loud and clear from my dad is to leave behind all the pain and hurt and anger at people who have done me wrong.  I need to take the lessons and the experiences, but leave behind the resentment that is eating me alive.  All of that baggage will hold me back and keep me from reaching my own goals and objectives.  This card is also about letting go of old ways of knowing and doing.  This is an interesting card for me because I believe it is also telling me to accept people as they are and know that people do the best they can.  This is interesting because even though my dad didn't believe women should be in positions of leadership, he always loved and supported me.  Even when he was in the hospital in the months before he died, he always told anyone who would listen about his daughter who was managing a big project in Atlanta.  The thing once I realized how my dad's misogony had hurt me, I was able to work through it and let it go.  However, my anger at my mother goes deeper because her actions were more deliberate and focused on me.  In this card, I hear my daddy telling me to let go and move past it, because it isn't serving me.

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Thursa Aud Collins (Grandma Collins)


December 26, 1905--January 31, 1993

My grandmother is the older lady (second from the right) in this photo.  My daddy is on the right and at the far left is my Uncle Gene.  The lady next to my Uncle Gene is his wife Ethel and the younger woman is my cousin Becky.  I chose this photo because it was taken, or at least developed, three months before I was born.  I'm not sure where my mom was in this photo, but maybe she was the one behind the camera.  What's interesting looking at this photo is that I never realized how much taller my uncle was than my father.

My grandmother was an amazing woman as her husband died a couple of years after my father was born and she raised her sons alone with the support of her family.  She was kind and loving and I know that I got my love of animals from my grandma and my dad.  She lived in Poplar Bluff, MO while we lived in St. Charles, IL (Close to Chicago) so we didn't see her all the time.  I learned a lot of good lessons from my grandma about loving people, about family, and other lessons.  However, the one family story that always bothered me is about when my mom dropped me on my head when I was an infant and my grandmother advised my parents to not get attached to me in case I died.  This was always told as a cute family story, but I realized when I was older that I had taken it to heart and believed that I wasn't worth of being loved.  I've mostly worked through it, but once in a while, it bubbles up and causes a little angst.

For my grandmother, I chose I skull I just got this week at the Dia De Los Muertos celebration in Cleveland.  This is a small celebration, but I love to walk through the offrendas and the memories.  Unfortunately, I don't have the name of the artist or I would share it.  I chose this skull because it was painted with trees and my grandma loved nature.  I also have very fond memories of sitting out on her front porch and swinging while being shaded by both the porch and the large trees in her small yard.

What lessons did I learn from my grandma? (Eight of Swords)

The reading for this card is interesting as it is about spiritual stagnation brought about by emotional blindness.  The card also discusses mental exhaustion brought about by excessive emotional energy.  This is a very interesting lesson from my grandmother.  Her husband, my grandfather, died in 1937 leaving her with three small boys to raise.  The stories I've heard are that she fell into a deep depression after her husband died and would not leave her room for weeks.  Eventually, she moved from the home they had shared in Bethalto, MO back to her home town of Poplar Bluff, MO.  She was able to purchase a small home, most likely with life insurance proceeds, and she gave her boys the best life she could.  Although they may not have had much in the ways of monetary possessions, they were raised around their extended family so they did have lots of love.

The interesting thing about this card is that when my ex left me in 2010, I also fell into a tailspin, but I had to pull myself out of it.  As I reflect on this lesson, I feel like my grandma is reminding me that we can sometimes be trapped by our emotions and it is our job to set those aside and look at things more realistically and rationally.  This is an interesting card because my grandma and I never had deep emotional conversations, but this lesson rings so true.

What messages does my grandma have for me? (Ace of Cups)
The Ace of Cups is about emotional fulfillment and about being ready to start a new phase of creativity and change that will bring something new to light.  This is an interesting reading because my grandma was always tinkering and working to learn new things.  She took up glass cutting, decoupage, and other hobbies.  Her sons, my dad and uncles, always teased her about her crafts, but as I reflect on her life, I realize that she may have been very lonely, especially in her later years.  Her sisters lived across the street from her, but they died when many years before her and she did not drive, so she may have been lonely.  I know she went to church every Sunday and my uncle and cousins who lived near her visited, but she still had a lot of time on her hands.  Although on the one hand, I'm sad that she may have been so lonely, it also makes me happy to think she had the wherewithal to look for crafts and activities to keep herself busy.

The message for me is to continue to be creative, to look for things that interest me, and to continue to keep my mind busy.

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Elda Kabichis (Grandma Elda)
December 29, 1902 -- October 15, 1998

Grandma Elda was not a blood relative, but she might have well as been.  She became my babysitter when I was six months old and she was always there for me.  I learned so many good lessons from my grandmother.  It is because of her that I learned to love to cook as she truly took joy in cooking for her family.  I also learned the value of love and perseverance because her husband was in a wheelchair and she took care of him without complaint.  She was one of the strongest and most loving women I have ever met.  However, I've realized recently that there may have been a dark side to my Grandma Elda as she could be very domineering and she did not let her son live his own life.  She lived right next to her son George and his wife Joan and she always had to be in control.  I think George and Joan might have been happier if they had not lived so close to my Grandma Elda.

I chose a skull with flowers on it because Grandma had an amazing green thumb and her home was always surrounded by beautiful flowers.  She also had a huge garden and canned every year so her root cellar was filled with cans of tomato sauce and other yummies.

What lessons did I learn from my Grandma Elda? (Eight of Pentacles)

The eight of pentacles is all about reaping what you sow and my grandmother was a master gardener.  She had a small home, but it was surrounded by well tended flower beds and vegetable gardens.  She also had a small grape arbor and grew raspberries and pears.  Grandma primarily tended the flower beds, but she was always the one that planted the vegetable garden and she would be out there on very hot days tending to it.  I learned to love fresh produce from my grandma as all summer long we would have salads made with her lettuces and tomatoes.  It was from her that I learned that lettuce came in more varieties than iceberg.  Every meal that I ate at my grandma's was served with a salad topped with oil and vinegar.  I think I was a teenager before I learned that there were other choices for dressing.   So much of what grandma served came from her garden.  We ate spaghetti with tomato sauce that came from the tomatoes she canned every summer, we ate chop suey with veggies from the garden.  Although at the time being a locavore wasn't a thing, she really was as she really did cook farm to table before that became the thing to do.

As I reflect on this card and the effort my grandma put into her flower beds, the lesson that keeps coming through for me is that beauty is its own reward.  The reward for the vegetable gardens was food to fill our bellies, but the reward for the flower gardens was just beauty.  They filled our hearts with wonder at all the varieties of flowers and the artistry that went into planning those gardens.

What messages does Grandma Elda have for me? (The High Priestess)

My grandmother was a deeply spiritual woman who in many ways embodied the high priestess.  She meditated and reflected on her faith and she went to church every Sunday.  However, she never proselytized or tried to convert people to how she lived her life.  The message for me is to live my faith and be true to myself.  She is also telling me that faith comes from the inside and not from the outside.  I am not a person of faith because I go to church, but because of who I am inside.

This message is comforting for me as it makes me feel loved and accepted even though I am not sure in life she would have accepted my faith.  I also feel like she is telling me to be an example to others through good works.  I respect and love my grandma for who she was and what she did.  She did not preach and lecture, she just lived her life and set an example.
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Luke

2004-July 30, 2017

We adopted Luke in February 2007 and he was the best boy.  He was loving and funny and he would cuddle with you if you were having a bad day.  I went to Orphans of the Storm shortly after we moved into our new house and he wasn't the dog I had intended to look at.  However, I took him out into the play yard and he kept circling around and coming back to me.  It was as if he was checking to see if I was still there and as if he was asking if I was going to be his mamma.  Luke saved my life after my divorce because I had to get out of bed to take care of him.  He was there for me during the worst days of my life and in some ways he loved me back to existence.  Although Luke was always loving toward people, he was dog aggressive and he would always attack bigger dogs.  Lukey had his flaws, but he always loved me and he helped me to learn people as they are without trying to change them.

I chose the orange skull for Luke because that's what my current dogs call him (don't ask, it is complicated).  I do have a fake dog skull, but it is plastic and looks cheap.  Luke deserves better than that.  He is still around and every so often we will hear him jump off the bed upstairs or hear the tags on his collar jingling.  His is a comforting presence and it is nice to know he is still around.

What lessons did I learn from Luke? (Four of Wands)

Life is short, you should enjoy yourself.  The four of wands is a card about celebration and looking for the joy in life.  Luke loved life and he always seemed to be happy, despite not having a good start in life.  When I adopted him, he had been taken back to the shelter three times for various reasons.  However, like every dog I had ever known, he loved life and the people that shared his life with him.  When we lived in Chicago, we would go for walks around the neighborhood and one of Luke's favorite spots to stop was an ice cream shop called Scoops.  We would always get him a scoop of vanilla ice cream and we would usually get sundaes.  Luke would gobble up all of his ice cream, then sit and wait for us to share ours with him.

Luke also loved walking along the lake front and he would run and play in the grass and generally just enjoy life.  Although Luke hated the rain (we called him Pretty Princess Paws), he loved the snow and when there was snow on the ground, he would roll in it and do what we called the worm.  The day that Luke died, Cam and I drove six hours to Chicago to pick Sean up so we could mourn together and we went out to Scoops, then for a walk along the lake front to release some of Luke's hair.  

The lesson I take from Luke and every other dog I have ever had is that life is too short to dwell on the bad stuff, you need to celebrate all of the good stuff, especially the small things like ice cream and walks along the lakefront.

What messages does Luke have for me? (Page of Pentacles)
The page of pentacles seems an odd card to pull here as this card is usually about being hard working and studious.  However, a deeper look into meanings associated with the page of pentacles are about being dependable and loyal.  The message I'm getting from Luke is to be dependable and loyal to those who love you.  Dogs are some of the most dependable and loyal creatures around and they are loyal to a fault.  However, Luke is also telling me that some people do not deserve my loyalty and that is so true.  There are people, like my ex, who are users and giving them my loyalty is a sure fire way to get hurt.  It's funny that this message is coming through because after ex left, I tried so hard to prove myself and to win him back.  However, all I ended up getting was hurt.  And I should have known that John wasn't worth my loyalty because he'd kicked Luke once and he hit me more than once.  Luke is reminding me that I need to be careful who I trust.


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Frida Kahlo
July 6, 1907 -- July 15, 1954

I didn't discover Frida until a few years ago when I began seeing stylized paintings of her all over the place.  When I began reading about her and researching her, I realized there was so much to admire.  She overcame disabilities to become a famous painter, she lived life according to her own rules and not those of society, and she accomplished so much as a woman.  Frida did have her downside as while she lived according to her own rules, she also accepted much chaos in her life and her marriage to Diego was chaotic and in some instances cruel.

Frida's skull originally came from Mexico and I purchased it at the Pottery Place in Surprise, AZ.  My kids and I had discovered this amazing store when we were in Phoenix in 2011 and when I was back in Phoenix last December, I sought this place out and bought this skull.

What lessons did I learn from Frida? (The Hermit)

Frida has never seemed the hermit to me based on what I have read about her life.  However, I believe the message here is to live our own lives and to seek our own truths and Frida did that in spades.  She was never content to follow the crowds. Although on the surface, Frida always seemed like she was surrounded by people, I know the injuries she suffered when she was a child changed the course of her life.  She spent many months bedridden and I imagine she spent time in her head as well.  I doubt that Frida ever meant to become a icon or a role model, but she ended up both.  Her perseverance through an accident that almost ended her life, has made her a role model for those in the disabled community and she is also a role model for women as she lived a bold and creative life at a time when options were limited for women.  
What messages does Friday have for me? (The Hanged Man)
The message I am taking from this is to grow where you are planted.  Frida was involved in a horrible bus accident when she was 18 and while she was in recovery she studied the Old Masters and learned to paint.  She also made beauty out of pain by painting the plaster corsets that she wore after the accident with tigers, monkeys, and streetcars.  I cannot begin to imagine the immense pain, loneliness, and grief that Frida felt after her accident, but I admire her tremendously for creating beauty during this time.

Reflecting on this lesson helps me to realize that no matter what my circumstances, I can find a way to grow where I am planted.

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The Ancestors

I firmly believe that those who have gone before us are all of our ancestors, so I also asked for any general lessons from the ancestors and general messages.  I chose Anubis to represent all of the ancestors because he is the lord of the dead and he has been my family's protector for over 30 years.  We all have Anubis' affixed to the dashboards of our car and he protects our home.  The Anubis I chose to use for this picture was purchased in Salem, MA and he has interesting stories to tell about his journey home.  When we first got  him, my daughter and I went to a beach in MA to do ritual and a cop came up and asked what the "big thing" we were carrying to the beach was.  We showed him our Anubis and he just shook his head and went about his business.  Additionally, when it came time to fly home, my carry on bag was overweight so he had to fly home in my carryon and TSA were a little reluctant to let him in the cabin of the plane, but ultimately they let him fly home with us.

Any general lessons from the ancestors? (King of Cups)

Mastery of emotions is critical for success in life.  However, mastery does not mean suppression.  Emotions play an important part in life, but it is critical to not be a slave to emotions.  There is a saying in Twelve Step programs that "Facts aren't Feelings" and this is something I have learned to be true in my life.  I am entitled to my sadness, my anger, my rage, my joy, my happiness, and every other emotion.  However for people who have grown up in traumatic environments, emotions can get out of control and we can take umbrage when none is intended.  I know that when I was younger, I thought the world revolved around me and if someone was having a bad day, I always assumed it was about me.

The flip side of this is that we do have the right to be upset when someone hurts our feelings or says something cruel.  I had a friend once who would make these rude and flippant comments and if I would call him on it, his response was that I was too sensitive.  The king of cups tells me that I need to learn to balance my emotions and not take everything personally, but also to allow myself to express feelings.  This can be a difficult balancing act.

Any general messages from the ancestors? (Empress)
The masculine energy of the King of Cups is balanced out by the very feminine Empress.  The Empress is about creativity and nurturing and the message I take from this is to continue to nurture your own creativity and that of others.  Kindness is the order of the day so be kind to all you meet.  However, never forget you are the Empress of your own life and do not not nurture others at the expense of your own well being.  There is a tendency for women especially to "give until it hurts" and when you give until it hurts there is nothing left for you.  Take care of yourself, then nurture others.

Summary

The last few days have truly felt like the ancestors were circling around.  Early last week, the energy was very unsettling and it felt as if the gates of hell were opening as the energy was chaotic.  However, once I put up my ancestor altar, they calmed down.  

I don't know if it was the chaotic ancestor energy or what, but this blog post was emotionally draining to write.  I truly felt the presence of ancestors around me and guiding me.  As you can tell from reading the post, it also drudged up some happy and sad memories.  Most of what I wrote was personal, but one of the lessons I have learned over the last few years is that sometimes there is something in the personal that people can learn from.

I will also say that at times it was hard to tell what was a lesson and what was a message, but I just recorded what came though the best I could.

Samhain 2022 Master List

The theme of this blog hop is Ancestors.  I am the wrangler for this hop and below is the guidance I gave our hoppers.

Most folks think if Halloween (which is another name for Samhain) as a time for cute costumes and trick or treating. However, in ancient times Samhain was considered the time when the veil between this world and the next was thin and our ancestors could come back to visit us.

Our hop this time around explores the concept of ancestors and our relationship with them. Ancestors do not have to be your blood relatives, but they can be people who have guided you and mentored you in your life. Ancestors can also include people unknown to you.

So to explore the concept of Ancestors, you could:

  • Use tarot cards to explore messages from ancestors
  • Use the cards to delve into regrets you might have around how you treated your ancestors
  • Delve into what you need to know about your ancestors

And of course, as always, you can go in a completely different direction as long as it involves Tarot/Divination and ancestors.

The Master List for the Hop is below:

Kimberly Essex

Joy Vernon

Jay Cassels

Koneta Bailey

Raine Shakti

Please take some time to read and enjoy all the blog postings.

Saturday, October 29, 2022

The Devil

October 29, 2022


Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  This seems like such a typical Devil card and I would have just gone with the traditional meaning, until I listened to Lisa's video and she pointed out the upside down Buddha's under the people.  I like that as it shows that even in darkness, there is still a reflection of what is good.

Book:  The lesson is that if we sit with our shadow the realization will come that we can throw off the hold of our inner demons and rise. Enormous energy will be released and darkness will become light.

Guidance:   Do not demonize yourself

Journaling:

I love the reminder to not demonize myself.  I grew up being reminded constantly about my flaws.  I was too bossy, I was too outspoken, I was too much.  I was never celebrated for the things I did right and when I did get good grades or do something else good it wasn't enough.  I always had to do better.  I was never told that I was perfect just the way I am.  I also realize now that those characteristics that my mother tried to drill out of me were actually leadership traits and she should have nurtured them instead of trying to drill them out of me.  She wanted to turn me into a domestic little toad who could not speak for herself and although she failed, life would have been so much better for me if she had supported me instead of put me down.

I try very hard to support and celebrate my kids and to really help them be their best.  That is kind of hard based on how I was raised, but I do work on it.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and the weather is absolutely beautiful.  I went to the market, got my emissions checked, then came home and got home to get Clam to go to to Dias De Los Muertos.  And after we went to the festival, we went to Garfield's Memorial.  It was an abolustely beautiful day.  One of the best things about living in da Cle is that everything is accessible.  It doesn't take a whole day to go and do something fun.

Weather:  The weather is absolutely spectacular out today.  It is just crisp and cool enough to be nice out without being two shivery.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 20%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:53 / 6:56

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August 5, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this devil card and how his face appears multiple places on his body.  It seems to be saying that, he is always watching

Book:  Pride, ego, arrogance, malice, temptation, slavery, compulsion, bondage

Guidance:   Pride goeth before a fall

Journaling:

The Devil is an interesting card as it is about pride, arrogance, and obsession.  However, it is also about making choices that make you happy.  Anything in excess, including food and work, can be destructive, but there is a time when you need to choose happiness and there are people who believe that choosing happiness is wrong.  This is a card of the puritans and a belief that anything that makes you happy or brings joy is wrong.  Writing is good, art is good, dancing is good, but there are those who view those things as the devil's work because they are sometimes viewed as "not productive."  I used to think that paying a lot of money for a good meal was wasteful because I could eat Mcdonald's and fill my stomach.  However, when I was in Amsterdam, I spent a day wandering around and I had two very expensive chocolates and some very expensive strawberries for lunch and it was a lunch I remember to this day because I savored it.  That was when I learned that there is something to be said for satisfying the soul as well as the body.

Art, writing, reading are all things that satisfy the soul and they are worth it even though there are people who view those things as wasteful.  After two years spent in lockdown, I've realized that I want to live to satisfy my soull

Where I'm At:  Today was an amazing day.  Cam and I went on an adventure to Sharon, PA and it is a cute little town.  We are seriously thinking of moving there.

Weather:  It was ungodly hot and humid out today.  It rained earlier today and when we got home, the heat was unbearable

Moon Phase:  First Quarter, 50%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:23 am / 8:40 pm

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June 20, 2022 

Deck:  Intuitive Dark Goddess

Card Name:  Reclamation

First Impressions:  Vulture reclaiming, butterfly as transformation, goddess has hoofs

Book:  Choice, shifting perspective, self work, shadow work

Guidance:   You are your own master

Journaling:

I love the thought of the Devil as reclaiming as I'm learning that the devil really is about reclaiming who I am and reclaiming my rights as a person.  I was brought up to believe I had no rights and that everything I did was about someone else.  However, I'm working to reclaim who I am and to become the person I am meant to be.

I'm also realizing that I am working to reclaim who I want to be from who I have become.  I swore in college that I would never become a corporate robot, but in so many ways I feel like that is who I am.  I've become someone I don't really like.  I work at a job that requires me to be nice to assholes and it is getting harder and harder to do.  I know that every job requires you to be nice to assholes to a certain extent, but this one sucks more than most.

Weather:  It actually felt cool out today although it was about 75

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 57%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:04

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Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Evil, debauchery, separation, scary

Book:  Oppression, addiction, voluntary bondage, temptation, materialism, toxic relationships

Guidance: Even the angels can fall from grace

Journaling:

It's interesting as I view the devil as a give myself permission card.  The devil is about hedonism and excess, but who determines what is hedonism and excess?  I was raised in a family where denial was the rule.  It was drilled into my head that sex before marriage was bad and when I was living with John my family harassed me until I married him.  My mother guilted me, my aunts called to see if he answered the phone.  However, my brain was so fucked up by all the stupid lessons my family had given me that I gave in and married him and set myself up for 22 years of hell.  I should have been strong enough to tell them to fuck off.  Sex is not a sin and it is so patriarchal to act like women are sluts for sleeping with men without being married.

Where: I'm at home alone this evening while the kids are taking the puppers for a walk.  It is so nice to have a quiet house.  I'm also feeling horrible today as the cramps are super bad and I am so tired and weak.  I don't know what's up, but I'm just tired of being tired.

Weather:  It was hot all day, but it has started to cool down

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 90%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:07 /8:37

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March 5, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Stardust, seduction, pulling strings

Book:  Addiction, liberation, freedom from vices, healing found in darkness

Guidance: Witness and release your own shadows  

Journaling:

The invitation into the dark is a sacred one.  I followed the siren call of the darkness after my divorce and I found it a healing and seductive place.  There is seduction in staying curled into a ball and ignoring the world around me.  There was seduction in exploring my own history and there was a temptation to play the victim.  So much of who we are came about because of other people.  My parents shaped me with my embracing some of the lessons, rejecting others, and absorbing still others unconsciously.  I've consciously rejected my mother's racist and judgmental attitudes, but there are times when I see someone and her voice plays in my head as I judge people for how they look, what they wear, etc.  There is a part of me that is ashamed when I hear that voice.  However, I'm also learning to be kind to myself and to realize that like everyone I am a product of my history and just because I think it does not mean I say it.

I also realize that the ability to go willingly into the darkness is privilege.  Some people do not have the time or the energy to delve into their subconscious.  And other people get pulled into the darkness through addiction.

Where I'm At:  I'm sitting on the living room couch in the calm.  There is work to be done, but sometimes it is just nice to 

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day today as it hit 70 and it felt so warm outside.  If it is this nice tomorrow, I'm going to hang out outside.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 9%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:54 / 6:22

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 January 14, 2022


Deck:  
Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Escaping from a cage, in your face, the serpent, temptation, Adam and Eve

Book: Greed, controversy, strange expressions, giving into baser instincts, unwilling to leave negative situations

Guidance:  Be mindful of addiction

Journaling

My gut instinct in seeing this card was the snake in the myth of Adam and Eve. The snake is temptation and Eve succumbs, forever damning her in the world of Christian mythology.  However, as a grownup, I realize that the real lesson of the myth of the Garden of Eden is that things are not as they appear.  There are some scholars who believe that Eve is superior to Adam because she was made last and that the serpent talked to her because she was smarter than Adam.  Another possibility is that the serpent was representative of the Goddess who the fucking patriarchy had to demonize at all costs to sell their notion of the old evil sky god.

It's interesting as I reflect on this card that I see the evolution of my thinking from the pure gut instinct that was drilled into me by the patriarchal Sunday school my father insisted I attend to the more enlightened view I grew into.  The patriarchy says that women and snakes are evil so my first impression upon seeing this card was evil and he downfall of humanity.  However, there are other cultures where the snake is revered and my logical brain knows this.

I could write a dissertation on the vilification of women and snakes by the Christian church, but my take aways for today is that things are not what they appear to be and to look deeper.  Addiction is a bad thing, but denying all pleasure is equally bad.

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September 18, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Sadness, under someone's thumb, inability to act on one's own

Book:  Inner demons, hidden parts we are ashamed of

Guidance:  If we can release our inner demons, enormous energy will be released and darkness becomes light

Journaling

It's interesting that even though I know better, my first impression of the devil is always of being under someone else's control and being abused by some external force.  In reality, the devil is about giving our control away and choosing to be a victim.  It is about choosing to believe the ugly words that people say about us, it is about choosing to do things that do not make us proud of ourselves, and it is choosing to believe we have no power in our lives.  There are things that happen to us that are outside of our control, but all too often we choose to make those things about us when they often aren't.  I'm sitting here after a client blew me off for a morning meeting for the second time in a week.  Ten years ago, my reaction would have been to make it about me, but now I realize that it isn't about me at all, but is all about her.   Ten years ago if someone cut me off, I would have made it personal, but now I realize it is not about me.  And even if things are about me, I have a choice to believe or not believe what people say.

This is another lesson I learned in Al-Anon, that the world does not revolve around me and that choosing to be a victim is in some ways another way of being arrogant and looking for attention.  While being arrogant says I'm so wonderful, being a victim says that I'm a poor pitiable creature and I need you to take care of me because I cannot take care of myself.  I used to be that poor pitiable creature who needed everyone to validate that I had a right to exist.  As I started to grow and heal, I realized where those ideas about myself came from and I worked hard to squash them and develop my own sense of personhood.  I've learned my strengths and my weaknesses and by learning to accept all of me, I'm learning to mitigate the effects of my weaknesses.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I finished my paper
I'm grateful for the awesome steaks for dinner
I'm grateful for the conversation with David
I'm grateful Scott will be able to see me next week
I'm grateful that I have work to do
I'm grateful for the conversation with Christie
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the awesome salad from Zagara's
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July 6, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Rock Star, Hedonism

Book:  Lord of Obsession, Baser Instincts, embodying all of our shadow instincts, light and dark muse coexist

Guidance:  Look at the part of yourself you have repressed or denied, seek the road between inhibition and compulsion, seek pleasure without shame, explore all of usJournaling

The devil is a card that I always struggled with and that always scared me because I know that obsession and addiction can ruin lives.  However, the Devil has a valuable lesson to teach us and that is managing our hedonism and accepting that pleasure does not have to be addictive.  There are times when we are so afraid of feeling good or having nice things that we say no to everything.  Working with Devil energy means knowing when to say no and when to say yes.  I will always say no to drugs or things that could seriously harm me, but I can find balance in my life when it comes to other hedonistic pleasure. 

I know I have an addictive personality and I will never say yes to hard drugs because I know they have the potential to destroy my life.  I am learning to balance my addictions to food and learning when to say yes and when to say no.  I've learned that if I have a really high quality treat and I make it special, it is satisfying.  However, if I continually say yes to drugstore chocolate or subpar treats, I will eat more and more of them because they are not satisfying.  I'm also learning that I have to say no at the grocery store because generally I won't go back out to get junk food, but if I say yes in the grocery store, I will eat and eat and eat until it is gone. 

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April 18, 2017


Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card Name:  Pan, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Slave to desires

Book:  Not being in harmony, not being chained, chains falling off

Guidance:  rules of nature apply to external and unbalanced world.  Look at our own addictive behavior.  Elevate a sense of humor, search for the light

Affirmation:  I am not a slave to my addictions

Journaling:

It's time for me to let go of my addictions and crutches and to trust the universe that it will all be okay.  I am stronger than I know and I am going to be okay.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Another card of surrender and trust.  I need to surrender, but I'm not sure what I need to surrender.  I need to surrender my need to control.  I need to release and open myself to receive.  I have so many barricades built around me that it is hard for anyone to get close to me.

January 15, 2022  Revisit

One of the most important lessons I have learned over the last few years is that not everything is under my control.  The New Age world preaches that we create our own reality, but that is not 100% true.  There are factors that are outside of our control that impact our reality.  We need to look at what is and what is not under our control when we consider creating our own reality.

I hate to go back to John as an example, but I'm going to.  He says that he did not get the opportunity to go to college and graduate, but that is not true.  I was willing to pay for him to go to college on Okinawa, but he blew it because he wanted to go to college three nights a week and go bowling and do other things and expected me to work all day and come home and take care of the kids and the house.  I was not signing up for that.  If he had been reasonable about it, he could have come home from Okinawa with a degree.  He also had the opportunity to get tuition reimbursement at Standard Parking and he chose not to.  Those were choices.  He also chose to buy a house pretty much sight unseen and now he is realizing what a dump it is and he has  no money to fix it.  Those were also choices he made.

We are seeing more and more people sick with covid and they are sick because they chose not to get the vaccine.  That is there choice, but unfortunately other people are adversely impacted by that choice.  


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October 25, 2016


Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:
  Trapped in uncomfortable choices

Book:  Liberation from restrictions, defeat, release, severance, seeker will overcome evil, tempting fates

Guidance:  Remove what is holding you in bondage

Journaling

This card resonated with me today as it is about accepting and acknowledge all of me.  It is about not denying my shadow aspects.  I don't have to indulge them, but I need to own them.  I've also realized that owning and accepting doesn't mean I no longer work to grow and change.  It just means I am kind to the lost little girl who needs emotional support.

May 25, 2018

Interesting to read this today as last night I took Cam to Dillards and we bought underwear.  I was taken back to the year I started college and my dad took me shopping for clothes.  I bought expensive silk underwear and I bought this amazing swimsuit.  It was one piece, but it had buttons on the side and high cut thighs.  It was in no way racy, but it made me look and feel good about myself.  However, my stupid relatives had to shame me for having a nice body and wanting to show it off.  That was wrong of them.  I was doing nothing wrong and I was not responsible for their puritan beliefs. 

I don't still have the awesome body that  had when I was in college, but my body is mine and it deserves to be treated with love and respect.  I deserve love and respect.  And love and respect means feeding myself healthy and nourishing foods that are good for me in the long term and don't just give me a short term sugar high.
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September 13, 2016


Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Initial Thoughts:  There is a musical note between the figures that is kind off interesting.  Additionally, the Devil has an upside down pentacle on his forehead.  He also makes me think of a puppet pulling strings.  When I see this card, I think of choices as the couple is not tied up and it appears they could flee if they wanted  to escape.  This card also reminds me that bondage is sometimes personal choice.  I also think about our devotion t o addictions such as sex and materialism.

Book:  Being held in bondage, undesirable forces, chained down by materialism, temptation, call to awaken to responsibility, integrate and channel the life force.

Guidance:  Live in balance.  Accept the wealth the world has to offer.

Journaling

Since the DruidCraft deck was my first tarot deck, I always think about Cernunous when I see this card.   He is the horned god of the hunt and in that deck the "devil" is not evil, but a force to be channeled.  Overindulging is what puts is unto bondage.

This card like so many tarot carts speaks for balance.  It is when we get out of balance that life becomes unmanageable and addictions are a good indication that life is unmanageable.  This card could also be speaking to me of my need to break my sugar addiction.  I know it is killing me, but I still shovel sugar in my mouth.  I'm not sure how to break the addiction and get back on track.  I need to ask for guidance.

December 21, 2017
I'm getting chills as I read what I wrote because today while Cam and I were out walking, I talked about how so many stories about addiction don't talk about the spiritual side of healing and the need to ask for help to take the addiction away.  I know when I was in college and was drinking too much, it was AA that truly helped me to break the addiction.  Asking for help and turning my addiction over to a higher power truly helped me to heal.  It didn't make it easy, but it did help me to recover.

It was a higher power that also helped me to deal with my codependency after my marriage imploded.  By turning it over to a higher power, I was able to find the strength to heal and to leave behind some of my addictive and co-dependent behavior.

Dearest ones,

I admit that I am powerless over sugar and my life and health has become unmanageable.  I know that you can help me with this addiction and I am humbling asking you to do so and to take away my cravings for the sugar that is slowly killing me.

Thank you,
Raine


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