Tuesday, September 27, 2022

Ten of Wands

 September 27, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card as it shows the women both carrying the flame and walking through the flame.  Additionally, she is shown brought to her knees by the flames.

Book:  I release all guilt that arises from lessening  my load.

Guidance:   Nourish your heart and spirit


I love the meaning in this card and it encompasses a lot of what I am learning.  I took on too much at da Bird.  I should have just done change management and if I only worked four hours a day, so be it.  I get all caught up in having to work 8 hours, but I'm not getting paid by the hour, I'm getting paid to deliver and if there isn't enough to do, that is not my problem.  I learned a lot and a big part of it was not always raising my hand.  That is a lesson that I need to reflect on as I'm on to the next big adventure.

I also have to accept that taking care of me is not a bad thing.  I chose not to go out tonight because I didn't want to.  I just wanted to chill out, take the dogs for a walk, and have a quiet evening at home.  And that's all good.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today sitting on the couch with the doggos.  However, I had a good day at work and then I took the doggos for a walk.  They even got pets and hugs from the UPS man.

Weather:  It was rainy earlier today, but it turned into a nice day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 3%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:17/7:16


 May 26, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Burdened, faces in the castle, carrying more than my fair share

Book: Burden, responsibilities, effort, excess, work

Guidance: Water the seeds to grow your work


The guidance for this card is like a knife through my heart as it is telling me that I need to put my time and attention on where I want to go and not on the bullshit work that I'm doing.  If I want to move into a teaching and research position,   Your life goes where you put your energy and right now my energy is going into something that doesn't make me happy.  I need to figure out how to transition to putting  my energy toward things that do make me happy.  I'm going to start putting at least some time every Friday afternoon toward my dissertation project and my book.  Even though I would like to put more time toward it, I know that my body just isn't up for that.  I just have to keep reminding myself that slow and steady does win the race.

Where:   I'm at home and it was one of those super painful days where I was just exhausted and feel as if I have absolutely no energy.  I went to bed early.

Weather:  It was overcast this morning while we were out and about and now it is raining.  It is actually kind of relaxing to sit here in the living room with the rain outside the window.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 25%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:55 am / 8:51 pm


January 11, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Divine

First Impressions:  Being crushed under the pressure of tasks


Interesting that I drew this card twice in little over a week.  I also have to confess that I initially tried to put it back because I just journaled on it, but then it jumped out again so I knew my guides really had messages for me.  Today was definitely a ten of wands day as I sat down at my desk and felt like I was already behind.  Glenn slammed us with a task to pull together information on what the plants did last year and what is coming up. One of the things  multiple pulls of the Ten of Wands are telling me are that I need to delegate.  I need to let go of the idea that I am the only ones that can do certain things and learn to trust other people.  I have had to start involving other people and handing things over.  That is super hard for me to do.  However, I've started out by trusting Mercedes and learning to hand small things over to her.  Now I have a couple of other people I'll be handing things over to and it is really hard, but I have to trust them.  

I think life has gotten so overwhelming because I have been reluctant to ask for help and delegate, but if I don't, I am going to stay stuck.  I've started doing that at home too because I just can't keep up with it all so I have to do what I can and start trusting others to do things to be best of their ability.


January 3, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Circle of life, growing from decay

Book: Overwhelmed, stressed, obligation, refusing aide, duty

Guidance:  Accept help when it is offered


This is a message that I really needed to hear today as I believe that no one can do things as well as I can so I turn down help.  I turn down the kids cooking dinner, I turn down people helping me at work, etc.  While it is true that in a lot of situations people will not do as good of job as I can, it is also true that if I coach them and work with them, they may be able to do as good or better of job than I can.

I think there is a part of me that really fears being doing as good of job as I can because if someone else can do as good of job or better than I can, then what use am I?  However, what I have learned is that a lot of people can do pieces of what I do as good or better than I can, but there are very few people who can do the breadth of what I can do well.  I also know that the truth of it is that if I can mentor people to do the things that I can do, then I can more exciting things.  If I hold on so fiercely to things, then there will not be opportunities for me to grow and do new things.  I need to commit to mentoring people to do some of the things that I do so that I can move on and do more things.  

To be honest, this is why G. is successful as manager, he can't do what I can do or what the PMs can do, but he can oversee it and point us in the right direction.  I think I am so used to doing the work that it is difficult for me to conceive of not knowing all the ins and outs of what people do.


September 25, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Reaching into simplicity, leaving the confusion behind

Book:  Confusion, carrying too much

Guidance:  Return to a belief in the goodness of nature


This is an interesting read on the ten of wands.  I chose this card because I'm feeling overworked and overburdened as if everyone else's problem has become my problem.  However, the realaity is that I have a savior complex and I want to jump in and save the day.  I volunteer when I should just keep my mouth shut.  I did that this week when I volunteered to go to that client on Friday.  That was a stupid thing to do because it means that I won't get home until Friday night and that really pisses me off.  However, it was my own idiot fault.  I volunteer to let people take advantage of me, then I get pissed when they do.   I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

One of this aspects of this card that I really found interesting was viewing the burdens as different spiritual paths and taking he action to simplify.  That's interesting guidance for someone who has a fascination with all religious practices.  One of the messages that I take from that is that they all do lead to the same place and that's something that I have always believed.  I think we find the path that is right for us based on who we are, but that every path has value and every path can be that simple stick we carry forward with us.


I'm grateful for the exchange with Sean

I'm grateful Cam is okay

I'm grateful for the conversation with John

I'm grateful for the thank you from Joe


July 12, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Overshelmed, hiding out

Book:  Burdens, taking on more than we can handle, may have to admit their are commitments you can no longer keep,

Guidance:  Prioritize, ask yourself what commitments you can really keep


I feel totally overwhelmed today and if there is not time to do everything that I need to do.  I want to finish school and it is so important to me, but I don't know how to do that and meet all my commitments at work.  There is a part of me that just wants to curl up and sleep and let the world pass me by.  In fact, that's what I did last night.  I went to bed and slept for 13 hours straight.  It felt wonderful, but I woke up and still have the stuffy head and feel awful.  I think the secret is that I have to be willing to let my body rest.  I abuse my body so much by pushing myself too hard because I think I can do it all.  However, the reality is that I can't do it all and I need to treat my body with respect.  I need to stop and say, "Enough!"

This weekend is my weekend of enough.  There is stuff to clean, I need to finish painting, I need to clean out the car, and there is still work to be done.  But I don't have the time, the energy, or the inclination to do it.  I've said enough and I just need to relax and sit back and be peaceful.  I need to cook and eat simple food, I need to snuggle the dog, I need to binge watch Bourdain, and I need to make time to just be.  When I push myself so flipping hard, I'm like the person in the image with the world falling down around her ears as she becomes buried by responsibility.  The amount of work to do can seem scary and overwhelming and I've realized that sometimes it really is okay to just say no, to say no to the extra work, to say no to going somewhere, to say no to doing one more thing.  It really is okay to just say no.


Decent sleep

Kudos from David

Kudos from Arlona

Going to bed early

My bedroom not being miserable

Sitting outside with the dogs


January 1, 2018

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Weighed down and burdened

Book:  Bent over from the weight of his burden, vision is blocked, cannot see beyond visible path

Guidance:  Don't allow yourself to be a beast of burden, be positive


This card really sums up where I've been lately.  It really feels as if I am walking around carrying everyone else's burdens and doing things to make life easier for others.  I'm tired of doing that and I'm tired of sacrificing.  I'm also tired of being lonely and empty inside.  I just feel so unloved and so empty.

Clean house and get rid of the junk and you'll feel better.  Also let go of getting your sense of self/reason for living from external sources.


November 13, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Taking on burdens that are not ours

Book:  Almost finished with arduous task, light at the end of the tunnel inspires you

Guidance:  Draw on your most basic instincts for the strength to finish what you started, do not stop too soon


This card is a reminder to me to not take other people's burdens on.  I'm really bad about taking burdens on that are not mine to bear.  I'm especially bad at taking on my daughter's burdens.  That poor kid has so much to bear.  I need to help, but I also need to let her blossom into the strong and independent person that she is.

Please dearest ones, hold her in your arms and help her.  Help her to know she is always loved.

November 20, 2017 Review

I need to let go and let other's find their own way.

October 30, 2018

I am still really bad about taking on things that are not mine.  Like the other day I was looking on job sites for jobs for my daughter.  She is 26 years old, she is perfectly capable of looking for jobs herself.  I also need to stop cleaning up after everyone even though in some ways it is easier to just do it than to complain to people.  The problem is that when I do just break down and clean up after people, I end up being resentful and unhappy.  I need to find a middle way that marries my own peace of mind with holding people accountable.


May 10, 2017

Deck:  Herbal tarot

First Impressions:  Carrying too many burdens

Book:  Parts of the load are someone else's.  You need to learn when enough is enough.  Become focused on changing your goals

Guidance:  Look for ways to lighten your load.  Pace yourself.  Don't try to do too much.  As for help.  Allow others to carry their responsiblities.

Affirmation:  I lighten my load


Interesting card as it is telling me some of my burdens are not my own.  I know that means karmically as well as my immediate family.  I had an intreseting dream / knowing last night.  I've always thought my dad would like X because he's a standup guy, but I saw a different perspective last night as my dad would focus on his romantic history.  I've moved on from these facts to realize that you have to seize happiness.

May 14, 2016 Revisit

It's interesitng to see the situation through another perspective and try to figure out what my dad would have thought.  It's also intresting that I bring out the bad boy in X to a certain extent.  I make him laugh and am sometimes a playmate.  I don't think others always see that side of him as they just see the white knight.


September 28, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

Name of Card:  Ten of Rods

First Impressions:  These bundles look joyous as they are tied with a red ribbon.  The man is elderly and has red and gold on his cloak.  It may be autumn as the hills in the distance are purple and orange.  This card usually speaks to me of trying to do too much or carrying burdens that are not my own, but the joyousness in this card is throwing me.

Book:  Overburdened, bent on self sacrifice, taking on others burdens, overworked, overburdened, cannot see the path ahead.

Guidance:  Set better boundaries, do not take on other people's stuff.


This was exactly the card I needed to pull today.  Gateway is being their usual moronic selves.  They are making decisions with no input from anyone, then are confused when things blow up in their faces.  However, at the end of the day all of this is their bullshit and I'm not responsible for their decisions.  Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually it is their bullshit, I am taking it on and feeling responsibility.

I think I have to repeat to myself over and over, "It's not mine, none of it is mine, it is not about me.  All of this is about them and their bad decision making.  I just need to let it go and accept that they are crazy."

December 23, 2017 Recap

Working at Gateway was actually a really good experience for me as I got to experience codependency from the outside looking in.  It was amazing to me how this organization that is dedicated to battling addiction exhibits so much codependent behavior.   They constantly took on insanity that wasn't theirs and thought they could fix, manage, and control things that were unfixable.

In retrospect, it also gave me a glimpse into how really good people could behave in such crazy ways.  It truly helped me to gain compassion for those, including myself, who make seemingly crazy decisions because they're driven by codependency. 

One of the biggest lessons I've had to learn over the past year is that I am not responsible for anyone's feelings but my own. Of course, that doesn't mean that I get to say mean things and not apologize, but it does mean that I need to make decisions that are in my own best interests and if other people don't like them, too bad.  I made the decision not to talk to my mother because being around her is not in my best interests.  I know that hurt her, but I explained my decision and she has made the choice not to change her behavior.  Once she made that decision, there was nothing else I could do expect gracefully step away.  It is hard and there are a lot of days when I wish I had a big family to hang out with, but my small little family is loving and peaceful and that matters.


May 10, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Fire (pulled reversed)

First Impressions:  Despair, hopelessness, loss of everything that is important, trapped within the flames


This is a card of release and of trusting the unverse to overcome the devestation.  It is about knowing that fire is part of the cycle of life and that out of the devastation there is new growth.  It is about accepting that what once was will never be again, but that in its place something new will grow.  Just like no one knows exactly what mix of plants will grow after a fire, I don't know how my new life will play out.  All I can do is surrender and trust that the universe will provide.  I've done my planting seeds, now I just need to trust the universe will provide and that there will be rebirth.

I have to surrender my expectations of what those outcomes are.  That is the most difficult part.

January 5, 2022 Review

It's interesting as I revew this post, because until I reread this I never realized how different the reading for the Gaian Spirit was from the more traditional ten of wands.  In a way they are both about burdens as a fire creates its own kind of burden.  It is also interesting to read this five years after I wrote it as my life has changed a lot since I wrote that.  I have a job where I don't travel so much and I got my MA degree, which wasn't even on my radar at the time I initially posted this.

Monday, September 26, 2022

Two of Swords

 September 26, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Thunder

First Impressions:  This card makes me sad as the person has gone within and seems to have withdrawn from everyone and everything.

Book:  I am at home with myself.  I am supported by the world around me.  I take the time I need to listen.

Guidance:   Go within to find clarity


I love this reminder to go within to find clarity.  All too often, I look outside of myself for clarity, but that is not where it is found.  Clarity is found inside.  It is when I take time to listen to myself.  One of the overarching messages I have been receiving lately is that I don't have to give 100% to any job. I just have to meet the needs of the job.

At the bird, I should have never volunteered for more work.  I should have just done my own job and let everything else fail.  I would have ended up working like 4 hours most days and that would have been okay.  I just need to do what is expected of me.  Then I will have time for the things that are important to me.

I also need to think about what is important to me and where I want to go with my life.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and spent the day working.  Then Sean and I had a blowup over him leaving sauce on the counter.  Come to find out he was really upset because a dog at the apartment complex jumped out of a second floor window to get to Wendy.  He got up and walked, but was limping.

Weather:  The weather has been off and on all day.  It rained for a bit this morning, but it has cleared up now.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 0%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:16 / 7:18


August 25, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Thunder

First Impressions:  Sadness, curled onto oneself, crying.  The seal in this card makes me think of Sedna.

Book:  The ocean embraces you, retreat into the peaceful waters

Guidance:   I am at home with myself.  I am supported by the world around me.  I take the time to listen.


I need to have some me time and even though I felt bad saying no to Cam coming with me, I need time alone and I never seem to get it.  Every time that the kids are supposed to leave, something comes up and they don't go anywhere.  I want time alone in my own house and I never ever get it.  And the house just feels like it is filled up with more and more stuff.  I know some of it is mine, but a lot of it is the kids.

It is getting really hard to not feel resentful of the kids taking over my house.  I love them dearly, but I want space and time alone.  I think that's why the thought of buying this house in Sharon and having space for myself is kind of exciting.  Maybe someday I will have my house to myself, but I guess the only way I get time alone is to go out of that house.  I'm thinking when I buy this house I spend a week at the house and a week in Cleveland.  I will also have to make sure I get the yard fenced so that I can let the dogs out.  I won't trust them at first.  I just have to keep trusting that it is all going to work out.

Where I'm At:  I drove to Buffalo today and had a lovely day.  It was a beautiful day to drive and I took the long way along the lake and it was just beautiful to see the vineyards and the lake.  I really do love living along Lake Erie.  I wish I could figure out a way to afford to live along the lake.

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day today.  The sun was shining and there was just a hint of a breeze.  When I got to Buffalo, it was warm, but then there was this beautiful breeze.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 3%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:44 / 8:12


March 9, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Being picked part, this is how I feel when I am overwhelmed with responsibilities and it feels like everyone wants  piece of me

Book:  Stalemate, a crossroads, opposing ideas

Guidance:   Make a choice


As I reflect on this, I realize I am not in a position to make a choice and that's okay.  I am physically exhausted, overwhelmed with work and school, and stressed beyond belief by the pandemic.  I need a break as I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically broken right now.  I need time to take care of me and not have to deal with Wendy whining, the dogs fighting, the kids struggling to find jobs, and all the other stressors that I have in my life.  I just need to take a break.

Maybe I do need to go away with Wendy for a weekend.  I could find a cabin or someplace that will let me have a dog and she and I could leave on a Friday and come back Sunday afternoon.

Where I'm At: I'm sitting on the couch with Sean and Clark and Wendy is sitting in the orange chair looking sad that Clark is on the couch with us.  She's giving me the sad face that's breaking my heart.  I am also so exhausted that I can't sleep straight.  I haven't gotten a good night sleep all week.

Weather: It is cold and icky outside today

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 41%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:46 am / 6:27 pm


 January 4, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Calming oneself before making a decision, reflection, not making decisions out of blind emotion

Book: Facing fears, precarious position, stalemate, denial

Guidance: When faced with hard choices, they must be made at some point in time.  You cannot let them linger too long.


The one aspect of this card that is new for me is facing fears.  In the past, I've spent a lot of time making decisions out of fear.  I was afraid of being broke, I was afraid of not having the money I needed.  However, I've never thought about the flip side of the fear which is being trapped in a life I hate.  I don't like my job.  It bores me, I hate the politics, I feel like nothing I do matters.  I stay only because of the money.  However, the bad part of that is because I'm unhappy, I spend more than I should which means I have less money and am more trapped.  

The truth is that I get bored at once job and jump to one that is doing the exact same thing for someone else.  What I really want to be able to do is help people and to make a difference.  I don't do that in the job that I'm in.  However, I need to stay one more year so I will be vested in my 401K.  It would be stupid to walk away from about $20k.  I will take this year to explore what fascinates me, to work on my MS in Thanatology, to explore PhD programs and to develop a plan to do something different and to not just jump into another job doing the same thing.  I will also spend this year facing my fears of being broke and figure out how I can build some internal security by paying off bills and putting myself into a better financial situation.


May 5, 2020

Chicory is an interesting plant for me because when I was growing up and we would go on trips with my grandmother, she would always point it out and call it Blue Ruin.  As this was in the days before the internet, I had no way of looking it up to see why it was called that and she didn't know either.  I did Google it, but couldn't find anything related to it being called Blue Ruin.  Why that memory is important is that Chicory (Two of Air) in The Herbcrafter's Tarot is telling me to let go of long held beliefs and to let go of worn-out beliefs and one of the messages that my grandmother hammered into my head was that I needed a man to survive.  Starting when I was about 14 or 15 every time I went to visit her, she would ask if I had a boyfriend yet and when I went to college, she wasn't interested in what I was learning or what was happening at school, all she cared about was whether or not I had a boyfriend.

She wasn't the only one that was drilling the message into my head that I needed a man to be whole, my parents were also sending that message.  My father made it clear that the only degree he would pay for was an accounting degree because then I could support myself in the event that I had to.  When I reflect upon that now, I'm realizing that the message was that supporting myself was a fall back plan because the ideal course of action would be to be supported by a man while I did the "housewifely" things like cooking and cleaning.  Why would a woman ever want to support herself?  My mother reinforced this idea by expecting everything I did in life to be about someone else.  This continued up until the day I had had enough with her and cut her out of my life.  That day came when I told her I was separating from my husband and her questions where "How are the kids?" and "There's not going to be a divorce, is there?"  There was no concern for me or how I felt, instead it was (as it had always been) about everyone else.

I've worked hard in the last 10 years to learn that I am an amazing and awesome person all by myself and that I don't need someone to support me.  That doesn't mean I don't want someone in my life, but it does mean that I've learned that I am a whole human being all by myself.

The Wise Leader reinforces this by reminding me that I can be a beacon for others and I can lead people.  This has been a hard lesson for me as well as my father continually reminded me that women were not leaders, women should not be in a position of power over men.  The last few years have been about coming into my own as a person and as a leader and I'm realizing that I am strong and that I can stand proud and lead people.

These were awesome cards and a good reminder for me to continue to let go of all the old and hateful lessons.


September 26, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Looking within to decide whether to continue to protect herself or put down her swords and open herself to something new

Guidance:  A choice needs to be made


I love the reading on this card as it seems like I always have my swords up, I don't seem to be able to let down my guard and let people in.  I also am realizing that I hold in a lot of pain and I don't seem to be able to let it out.  I also like to be the hero and that hurts me a lot as it means I give up time with my family and my baby doggie to go and rescue people who have gotten themselves into jams.  The thing is I have had my swords up and my shields up for so long that I don't know how to let them down and let people in.  I really want to have people in my life who care about me, but that's hard to do when I work this crazy funky job where I travel all the time. I also know that the work and school are distractions that make me feel worthwhile.  It seems hard to believe that I am worthy just for being me.

It's interesting that as I started to write this, my shields went up and I didn't even want to go back to the cards as it seemed too painful and too emotional.  I've also been reading about breathing meditations and how they ask you to sit with the pain and let it flow.  That is hard for me as I've learned that when I start jumping from window to window or thing to thing that there is something that I'm avoiding and this card hit me in the pit of my stomach and that means that I like to think I've let go of the pain and that I'm open to love that I'm really not.  There is still a part of me that feels unworthy of love and that feels as if I have to have my shields up to prevent people from seeing how unworthy I really am.  It makes me sad that there is a part of me that feels that way and I'm not sure how to reach that little girl deep inside me and comfort her and hold her and tell her that all the people that said mean things were wrong.

I think I need to go back to the inner child meditation and spend some time comforting that scared little girl inside of me.  I've done some of that work, but it seems that it is


I'm grateful my flight was on time

I'm grateful for the good convo with Tom

I'm grateful for the red jeep

I'm grateful Sean arrived safely

I'm grateful that my hotel is quiet

I'm grateful for the Portillos

January 4, 2022 Review

I'd forgotten about this interpretation of the Two of Swords as protecting one's heart.  I reread Lisa's interpretation of the card and I realize that I am still protecting my heart.  There is a part of me that is really afraid of doing coaching or counseling because, as an empath, I pick up people's pain and to be a good coach, I need to put down my shields and see people's pain and that is terrifying for me.  However, maybe another way of looking at it is that I can acknowledge their pain, but I don't have to take it on.  If I don't take it on, I can better help guide them.  This is something to think about.


July 16, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Actively making a choice, not being passive

Book:  Conscious choice to retreat, Confidence, mental agility, peace, and composure are the gifts of this card

Guidance:  Go within and calm your mind, listen closely to your intuition, stay connected to your feelings, do not run away, be prepared to take action


I love this card as it shows someone who is not being passive and not just sitting there waiting for a decision to happen.  It seems this person is actively choosing to make a decision and accepts that going within is part of that process.  What I sometimes struggle with in going within is letting go of the fear and the mental chatter as those are the two things that always trip me up.  What helps is when I am able to let go of my preconceptions and choose to listen to the goddess.  When I can do that, I can listen to my intuition.  I know that I am being led right now and I'm not sure exactly what the path is, but I know that there is a path and it is being shown to me.

There is a part of me that would just love to say F* it and go live on a mountaintop somewhere and not have any worries or responsibilities.  However, the truth of the matter is that we always have responsibilities and we always have cares and worries.  I think I'm still feeling jealous because even though on paper I have the better life, it seems that John has the less stressed life as he just gets to live on government funding in North Carolina while I have to work my ass off to keep moving forward.  In my perfect world, I'd spend all day doing research and writing, but I don't live in my perfect world and I need to pay the bills.  I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep working to figure things out.  At the end of the day, that is really all I can do.

What my intuition is also telling me about this card is that I need to make some time to actively search for my right path.  I need to make some time where I can let go of all the weirdness and all the work and just go within.


Cam was accepted into the English program

Cindy is looking forward to our meeting

I am feeling a little better

Yummy Greek potatoes

Good Steering Committee


November 20, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Experiencing conflict between logic and intuition,  battle between head and heart remains unsolved

Guidance:  You have to decide, lock on the decision and decide, pretending it isn't there, won't make it go away


I've made my decision.  I'm going to manifest a relationship with X.  I know the risks an I know the potential hurt, but I'm ready to move forward.  Life is not without risk and pain and unless I embrace this fully, it will not happen.  No more wimpy magick that says or something better.  There is no something better.  He is who I want and that's that.  And I'm not going to focus on the downsides or how it will play out, I'm going for it.

November 25, 2017 Review

Making a decision to truly commit and go for it is a little difficult, but I'm ready.  I've been working on letting go of all the excuses I've come up with for it not working and I'm done making excuses.

I am worthy and I deserve happiness.

November 9, 2018 Review

I'm realizing that it truly is because I am worthy and deserve happiness that the relationship with X did not happen.  I'm realizing that at the end of the day, a relationship between us would not have worked.  While he lives in my work world, he doesn't live in my spiritual world and that just wouldn't work.  I've realized that while I was not the desperate divorcee that became a barfly, I was desperate in my own way and chased someone that would have been equally bad for me because I was lonely and had no self esteem.  Now that I am truly valuing myself,  I'm realizing that it is better to be alone than in a relationship that wouldn't work. 


April 19, 2017

Deck;  Herbal tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Make a decision

Book:  Beginning of a new cycle.  Integrating logic and intuition.  Tranquility and balance.  Deception and being blind to deception

Guidance:  Guard against indecision.  Listen to heart's wisdom.  Make the decision

Affirmation:  I make decisions


I'm not sure how to read this card. It could be about someone being indecisive about a decision or about making bad choices.  

Don't drown in a sea of emotions, just take the day as it comes.  Use logic as well as intuition. The problem right now is your inability to receive love.  It is hard for you to open your heart and trust.  Let go of the shield.

January 15, 2022 Revisit

On the messages about letting down the shields and receiving.  This is still really hard for me to do as I often assume that people have ulterior motives.  However, I will say that loving Luke broke my heart wide open.  I loved that boy so much as he was so loving and he seemed to know exactly when I needed him.  I also love Wendy and she is such a reminder to love myself because she and I share some of my least favorable characteristics:  big, loud, bossy, snores, etc.  However, the more I love her, the more than I know I should love myself.


October 12, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance:  Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust


Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now.  I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn't what I want.  I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago.  I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here.  For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week. 

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it.  I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018 Review

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago.  For the longest time, I've chosen to stay with one foot in each city.  However, I'm realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back.  I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind.  he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go.  Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago. 


May 19, 2016

Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Air

First Impressions:  Soft still voice, stillness, being connected, choosing to listen


This card is about stillness and listening to guidance.  It is about having those small voices whispering in my ear.  Interesting as I am finally starting to realize that unless things change X and I cannot have a relationship of equals.  He loves rescuing and being the knight in shining armor.  I don't know if he is capable of having a relationship with equals as he has spent his life rescuing women.  he liks to be in that position and when I am really honest with myself, I realize that the times when we were closest were when he was rescuing me.  

I don't know if we ever really had an equal relationship or if it has always been an unequal relationship.  I've always tried to talk myself out of recognizing his chauvinism, but I know it is there.  The small still voice is telling me to walk away.

Friday, September 23, 2022

Eight of Swords

September 23, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Eight of Thunder

First Impressions:  I love how she is sea through and is trapped in front by the flowers and in back by the thunderbolts.  It is as if her indecision is making her fade away.

Book:  I release barriers from my mind and remember my magick.

Guidance:   Choose new beginnings, choose freedom


I really love this deck.  I love all of the cards and this one especially.  I love that this card is about choosing to release that which is holding us back.  Although all of the eight of swords cards have this message in some way, shape, or form, this one really seems to get the message across.  I have the ability to choose new beginnings and I'm choosing those new beginnings.  It is taking more time than I would like to get where I want to go, but I am making progress and I am moving forward.  I've been working on my dissertation slowly by contining to do research and I am proud of myself for not just sucking it up and getting a PhD in something I hated just so that I could say I had it.  I want the research to be meaningful and I want to enjoy the process.

I guess that is the message is that I need to stop wanting everything yesterday and take the time to go step by step and do the work and enjoy each step of the process.  However, it also means that I am at the point in my career where I can do the work, log off and  move on to my own life and pursuing that PhD.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and am so glad it is Friday.  This week has been so long, but I survived and I got my big juicy bonus today and I bought new clothes and paid off some bills.  It feels so good to pay off bills and to pay ahead on my house.  I've cut two years off the mortgage and I'm working on paying more off.

Weather:  The weather is so nice today!  It is finally really and truly starting to feel like fall and I am so happy that it isn't hot anymore.  My baby Wendy girl isn't happy about the weather as she goes out and gets so upset when it isn't warm enough to just sit out there for hours.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 6%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13/7:23


July 26, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this image of Juliet in the balcony or Rapunzel as representative of the eight of swords.  It is a prettier image than the traditional eight of swords, but it still conveys the message of being trapped.

Book:  Restriction, fated circumstances, being between a rock and a hard place, isolation and constraint prior to release

Guidance:   Free yourself and know your worth


Financial entrapment is one of the biggest issues in my life and I don't know how to get out from under all the bills I owe.  Part of it is that I like to treat myself and I think each little purchase doesn't matter, but the reality is that they do add up.  Another thing is that there is a big part of me that is resentful that I'm still supporting the kids.  For the most part, it doesn't matter as it isn't a lot of money, but supporting three cards and paying Sean's student loans is a lot.  I need to figure out how to get out from under the financial burden as that will open up my options from a job and living perspective.

I am working on getting out from under the belief that I have to be perfect at work.  In reality, I just need to be good enough to keep my job :)

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today and it has been an interesting day today.  I didn't have a lot of work scheduled today, so I was planning to get some heads down work done.  However, I kept getting interrupted.  And this chick from Ensure Supply just called me out of the blue.  I hate that.  I only call people if it is right after a meeting and I need something, because you don't know what people are working on.

Weather:  The weather wasn't horrible today.  It was a little hot and steamy, but not totally gross.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 5%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:13 / 8:51


March 26, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Only tied up in an alternate universe, crows, tied loosely, able to escape, blindfolded

Book:  Feeling stuck, time to open your eyes, opportunity to let go of an old story

Guidance:   Choose sovereignty over victimhood


I love this line and it is something I am working to choose everyday of my life.  I know there are a lot of factors beyond my control in the world, but I do have agency and there are choices I can make.  I am drawing so much strength from the Ukranian people.  They were invaded by a country much bigger than them with better weapons, but they are getting off their couches and fighting.  It is so inspiring to watch people face off against the Russians, make Molotov cocktails and do whatever they can to fight the Russians.  So many people expected them to have lost their homeland by now, but they have stayed and fought. 

Where: I'm home this week and I'm sitting on the couch while dinner cooks.  The doggos are hanging out with me and I'm contemplating doing my homework in a bit

Weather:  It snowed overnight and even though I was hoping for spring, the trees are beautiful covered in the white stuff.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 36

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:18 am / 7:45 pm


October 2, 2019

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Eight of Swords

Book:  Raven can easily hop out of circle of swords. The Eight of Swords is a card of empowerment, of moving beyond our limitations into the vastness of eternity.

Guidance:  Most of what traps us is an illusion


There are some days that I agree 100% that we have the ability to change our lives and to hop out of the circle of swords, but there are other days when I feel totally overwhelmed by life and feel as if nothing I do matters and that there is no way I can change my life.  I do feel trapped by work and as if nothing that I do matters or means anything.  I know I get paid a whole lot of money to help companies convince people to change their software and most days that feels pretty crappy.  I feel like I'm just helping the man.  I never wanted to go into the corporate world and I never wanted to be locked into working for a paycheck, but here I am.  The worst part is that I don't know how to get out of the gilded cage that I've built for myself.

My heart is in the world of tarot and spirit, but that doesn't pay the bills and I don't know how to find something that speaks to my heart and pays the bills.  The guidance from reading Lisa's blog post on the eight of swords is that I can move beyond my limitations.  I don't know exactly what that means or what I need to do to change my mind or my way of thinking.  I just feel trapped and as if nothing that I do matters because I am going to be on this hamster wheel forever and I'm going to continue to have to spend time doing things that don't matter to me to pay the bills.

I'm grateful for the safe drive home
I'm grateful for the good meeting with K
I'm grateful for the yummy Casey's Pizza
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for getting stuff done


June 18, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:




I picked this card because I feel like I'm facing some really big choices and I'm not sure what I want to do.  There is a Director of OCM position open in Cleveland and there is a big part of me that wants to apply because it would mean being home and getting to sleep in  my own bed every night.  However, there is another part of me that feels tremendous loyalty to this project and to my current employer.  They've given me a tremendous opportunity and supported me as I worked to start this practice.  I'm also feeling secure in my current role as I'm working on three projects and am fully billable.  I also know that this project will go at least through 2020 so it would be easy to stay here and feel secure.  Starting a new job is hard and I have no way of judging how insane it is.  At least I know how insane my current position is.

I know that I'm not in this for the long term as I want to pursue my PhD, I want to write articles, I want to write a book, I want to do a lot of things that I need time for and while I can't do those things full time right now, this job does give me the bandwidth in the evenings to write, to work on classwork, and to do the things that are important to me.  That is a huge plus.  The other job would require a 30 minute commute each way and I have no way of knowing how crazy they are.  I could end up working a lot longer hours and having less time at home than I do now. 

I don't know what the answer is so I'm going to seek guidance and continue to work on finding my way Cairn by Cairn.  I know that if I keep taking the next right step, the path will reveal itself to me.

May 1, 2017

 Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Release from constraint

Book:  Clarity, overcoming restriction

Guidance:  look at thoughts and internal restrictions, rethink

Affirmation:  Doors are opening for me


Great card to draw on Beltane as I feel walls and restrictions tumbling down.  This is about opening up and being able to receive.  I feel like today is going to bring something wonderful.

May 5, 2016 Revisit

Beltane was a good day.  I threw roses in the ocean and wished for love.  It is truly difficult somedays to keep trusting.  

Dearest ones, 
It is getting hard to trust as I feel so empty and unloved.

February 10, 2022 Revisit

I still feel empty and unloved.  I feel that no one will every love me and that I am just a throwaway person who no one cares about.  Reem told us last week that she had an interview and I put it in my calendar so I remembered to wish her well, but no one every does that kind of thing for me.  It's like people just don't care about me and I don't know why.  I honestly don't know if anyone would care if I wasn't here.
April 29, 2017

Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Bound and captive

Book:  Frustrated, isolated, locked in situations, creating blockages, it is time to sit and focus

Guidance:  Time to rethink the direction.  Be in the moment.  Calmness and inner guidance.  Need to relax.  Be calm and quiet

Affirmation:  By releasing myself from thoughts that bind me, I can open to new concepts


I'm feeling this to a certain extent right now as I don't want to manage this project, but I know I need to stay billable.

Dearest Ones,
I need an OCM gig at itelligence now.  Please make this happen so I can start living my happy life and find my balance.

May 5, 2017
This week went okay, but I made stupid mistakes.  I need to quit rushing and take my time.  Everything does not need to be done yesterday.
December 12, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  I love this image as the swords almost seem made of light instead of steel.  It reinforces the impression that the person can escape of their own volition.  Reversed this card is about being released from constraints.

Book:  Passive aggressive behavior, acting helpless, clarity, overcoming restrictions, ready to move on, prone to self sabotage

Guidance:  Be aware of giving into your helplessness, worry solves and changes nothing


This is a rough card to receive today.  Yes I know the path forward is to let go of X and start meeting people, but that sucks.  I have no f*ing desire to go on random dates when 90% of the guys available suck.

January 25, 2018

Wow!  I was a little whiny when I first wrote this.  It's interesting that over the past year, I've had the chance to observe older (i.e 30+) guys who are single and they are all so desperate.  It's like they cannot stand being alone and they jump from person to person to person.  I don't know if they dislike having to face themselves in the mirror or what, but I find it a little pathetic.

I don't really dislike being alone as it gives me the opportunity to work on myself and to get to truly know who I am.  That doesn't mean I don't want someone in my life, but I want the right person in my life.  I don't just want to fill up space with whoever is available.  I want someone who is emotionally mature, who is kind, who is loving, and is comfortable in his own skin.  I don't want someone who wants/needs me to meet all his needs.
May 30, 2016

Eight of Air
Gaian Tarot
Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card: Eight of Air

First Impressions:  This card speaks to me of community and working together, but the traditional meaning of the eight of swords is choosing to stay in bondage.  I'm struggling to reconcile the traditional meaning with this card.

Book:  Challenged to transform vision into reality with help fro friends, it is also about letting go of ego


Based on the first impressions of this card, it is about a sense of community which is something that I truly need to find or build in my life.  I am so lonely and in need of like minded people.

This card is also telling me that I can make Midwives of Change a reality, but I need to be willing to accept input from others.  I have to open up my vision and ask for help from others.  This is difficult for me, but I do know that asking for help and collaborating does make things better.

December 29, 2017

It's interesting the mind shift that I've had since I originally wrote this.  I've realized that I really don't want to pursue creating Midwives of Change right now because I'm tired of my life being about other people and MoC is just one more way for my life to be about other people.  I expend a whole lot of emotional energy at work and with the kids and I don't want to take on strangers' burdens.  I will put my tarot journal out there and I'll post occasional articles that help me to clarify what I'm thinking, but my life is about me and I'm not using my life as an experiment to see what helps others.

Thursday, September 22, 2022

Seven of Cups

September 22, 2022

Fall Equinox

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  In some ways this card makes me sad because some of the choices are things a person needs to live (fire, the egg, and the plant), while others are thins of beauty.  It reminds me that there are people who really do have to choose what things they purchase.

Book:  I embrace my gifts and the options that surround me.  Instead of being scattered or spread too think, I am ready to choose and go all in.

Guidance:   Step into your power and welcome yourself home.


This card shows why I love decks with big juicy books that explain the creator's thoughts on the deck as her vision for the deck was so much different than how I saw it.  I love how her thoughts are about embracing my gifts and making choices.  I feel like I have been on this journey to step into who I am and what is important to me.  Part of that journey is choosing to believe that everything I do, even the mistakes I make, is the right thing for me at the moment.  I'm not happy with where my credit card debt is right now, but I also know that a lot of it was about the house, the dogs, and the car.   Those three things are not optional so I am not going to stress about how I got into the debt, I'm going to focus on getting out of it.

I'm also choosing to believe that not finding the right PhD program and not being able to jump in immediately is also the right thing for me right now.  I firmly believe that everything we do in life is about lessons and about what can we learn from the situation.  When I view my life that way, it has a pattern and a rhythm to it that is right for me.

I have to say that I really like viewing this card in that light versus about delusions.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today and it was a long day.  I'm really learning my new job, but it is hard as it feels like it takes absolutely all of my brain power.

Weather:  The weather was nice today as it wasn't too hot or too cold.  I love this weather.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 12%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:12 / 7:25


May 20, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Choices, riches, grasping what one wants

Book:  Imagination, fantasy, magical thinking

Guidance: False fronts and impossible sights


It was one of those days where I contemplated the waste of my life and the fact that I have become the person I never wanted to be.  I never wanted to be a wage slave where all my energy and time went into a job I hate and has no value, but that is exactly where I am.  I feel so trapped by money that I don't know where to go.  I need my salary to pay off my debt, but I hate my job.  I really wish the kids would get jobs paying more money so that I'm not the one always paying when things break or we need things.  

I'm working hard to make time for the things that matter to me like school and tarot, but I've been so sick lately and have such low energy that it feels all I can do is make it through work.  And I went to the doctor but she was more concerned with stupid shit than the fact that I'm tired all the time.  And unfortunately, the medicine makes it worse.  I think I need to do ritual and turn it over.

Where: I was home on Friday and was slammed with meetings in the morning, but the afternoon was light.  We had Li Wah about 3 pm, then I worked on finishing things up.  I also spent some time working on my book

Weather:  It was extremely hot today.  One of those days where I didn't even want to go out of the house it was so hot

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 75%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:00 am / 8:44 pm


April 6, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Huts, shell game, love the little ladders, love the one with water flowing through it

Book:  Choices, opportunities, options, counsel against delusions, needing to decide without the full picture

Guidance:  Allow what you really want to inform your next steps


I think where I'm at right now is that I don't know what I really want.  I don't want the job I have now, but I love the paycheck.  What I really want to do is to be able to do research and inform public opinion, but I don't know how to get there while I am working full time.  One of the things I am working on is figuring out how to be more positive and not just bitch and moan constantly.  That's really hard to do when i am so tired and it feels as if my entire body is imploding on itself.

One of the keys is to be kind to myself and take care of my body.  I also have to accept that I am not going to work at the bird forever and that eventually I will move on and will not have to deal with all the bullshit anymore

Where:  I am sitting in the incredibly messy living room waiting for someone from work to ping me and listening to Wendy chew her bone.  I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed today. 

Weather:  It was rainy, but sort of warm out today

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 25%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:01 pm / 7:57 pm

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------January 17, 2022

Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Wonder, amazement, choices

Book: Daydreaming, fantasy, wishful thinking, procrastination

Guidance:  Make a decision wisely and quickly

It is interesting how my perspective has changed as I've grown older.  I used to think that daydreaming and woolgathering was a waste of time, but I've realized that day dreaming and relaxing are critical to the body's ability to recharge and reenergize.  Daydreaming and wool gathering are in some ways forms of meditation a they take us out of our normal time and space and let us travel somewhere with the power of our mind.

There needs to be time and space for wool gathering, four our minds to wander aimlessly and to pick up bits of wonder and amazement from various places.  Today is a wintery snowy day and as soon as I am sure that Sean is home and safe, I will be doing some meditating and some wool gathering.  I will let my mind wander as I think about the wonder that is this world.  I'll do some reading, maybe some cleaning, but all in all, I will just spend today being.  I think we spend way too much time being human doings and not enough time being human beings.

I have also learned that, for me, procrastination is also a sign that I need to take time and think through a decision instead of just jumping in and doing it.  When I am delaying making a decision, there is often a reason behind the delay and when the dust has cleared, I may end up making a different decision than I would have been without the delay and the procrastination.

August 29, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Reading the tea leaves

Book:  Making your fantasies into reality

Guidance:  Tune into the feelings your visions evoke and make a decision which ones to manifest


This is an interesting card for me because one of the things I have realized lately is that I am not solely in charge of my destiny and just because I want something does not mean that I can manifest it.  If that was true, I would have manifested love a long time ago..  To a certain extent that has soured me on manifesting because it feels like I put my whole heart and soul into manifesting love, but I came up empty.  I also put as much real world energy into it as possible and still nada.  That was and is a very bitter disappointment because I know that I deserve love and I know that I have love to give, so I'm not sure why I was unable to manifest love despite my best interests.

For the most part, I really enjoy my life and I know that i have created a life to be proud of.  I've manifested a beautiful home, I have a job I mostly like, and I'm going to school, but I don't have the one thing that I want more than anything else and that hurts and makes me wonder if all of the energy I've put into manifestation has been wasted.  I know there are some who would say that I was too specific, but I think the universe should be able to figure out the essence of what I want.  There are some days I feel like I'm only living half a life because I'm alone and being alone truly sucks.

August 1, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Choices, delusions

Book:  World of imagination, deepest hopes and fears, danger of getting lost

Guidance:  Bring your visions down to earth, balance creative inspiration with practicality


In most decks, this card speaks to me of delusion and of being taken in by the dark side, being consumed by food, by alcohol, be desire.  However, when I look at it as a card of choices and inspiration, it speaks to me of all the things I can have, if I am willing to do the work.  I can even have all of them, but having lived through the "you can have it all era," I know enough to know that I can't have it all at once, but I can have it all in sequence.  Looking at this card from a practical standpoint, I feel as if I'm being asked to choose what is most important and to focus on energy on that, once I've got that plate spinning, I can choose something else.

As much as I hate to admit it, my two priorities right now have to be work and school.  Work is what pays the bills and keeps the money coming in.  And school is my future as it is what fascinates me and what keeps me motivated.  I also know that once I can put that MA after my name, it will help me sell a lot more articles, books etc.  That doesn't mean I won't still work on Cairn by Cairn and putter around my book, but I will stop beating myself up over not spending a lot of time and energy on those activities.  I work at an insane job and trying to build a practice is really hard.  I need to start giving myself enough credit for the things that I do and not beat myself up because I cannot do more.


I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful the smoothie wasn't horrible
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the good conversation with Joe
I'm grateful for taking care of myself

March 23, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Choices, delusions

Book:  Visions of what might be

Guidance:  Do not tempted by delusions, do not deceive yourself, back up visions with work


When I look at this card, I see all the things I could have, if only they were real.  I don't think my dreams are that big or that delusional, but what I want to manifest does not seem to big or grandiose.  Do affirmations every day and let go.  How it manifests is not your concern, just know that it will. 

Interesting, int he last week I've drawn the seven, eight, and nine of pentacles, but not in sequence.  Am I to put them in sequence?

December 25, 2018 Revisit

This card, like all Tarot cards, can be complicated and can mean so many things.  It can mean that we are deluding ourselves, it can mean that we have choices to make, or it can mean that we are pulled between two many things.  The amazing thing about tarot cards, as I'm learning, is that you read them differently depending on where you are in your life and maybe that is what makes them so cool.  When I am in a good place, I read this as having choices and as there being a lot of amazing stuff in my future.  However, when I'm not in a good place, I read it as being delusional and beat myself up and tell myself I'm not worthy of anything.

December 21, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Choices

Book:  Distraction, faced with many choices, be aware of distractions, temptation, at a crossroads, wishful thinking

Guidance:  Be aware of distraction, find inspiration where you can, exercise greater patience and self control


This was a great card today as I am in a place of choices.  I can choose to continue believing X is strong enough to do the right thing or accept that this has all been an illusion.  I do believe that he has feelings for me, but I also have to accept that he is weak.  He wasn't able to tell me why he's not talking tome and that's rude.  A part of me is drawing parallels to walking away form my mother, but they really aren't the same as I am self aware enough to know my weaknesses and she is not.

There is a possibility that my last exchange, but i don't think so.  I think the truth is that he has feelings for me that he can't acknowledge and that makes him uncomfortable.  Or his wife told him to stop talking to me.  Either way, it is really weak to just walk away after all the time we've been friends.  I deserve better than that.

July 8, 2018 Revisit

This was just another one of those times where we stopped talking for a short period of time, then were right back to talking to one another.  I'm really tired of the dance, but I don't know how to stop dancing.  There is this pull between us and I don't know how to stop.  Yes, I do.  If I really wanted to stop the dance, I could cut the cord.

May 18, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Seven of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Unable to make a choice, waffling unsupported


Another card about decisions and not being able to choose which option to take.  It seems they are creaming at me that I have to make a decision, but I don't know what the right choice actually is

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