Tuesday, May 31, 2022

King of Wands

May 31, 2022

Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Regal, calm, controlled, going forward

Book: Inner strength, self motivation, 

Guidance: Integrity can fracture in explosive ways


This card reminds me of Pruitt on Station 19.  He is wise and kind and takes care of the people who love him.  And I guess he reminds me of my dad as well.  I love my dad and I miss him.  Even though he was annoying and misgonistyc, I never doubted that he loved me.  I wish I had someone in my life now who loved me and would take care of me.  Even though I know I am a badass, it would be nice to have someone take care of me once in a while.  Someone to protect me and look out for me.  I don't think I've had that since my daddy died.  John certainly never took care of me and I am realizing that he didn't love me.

This card is all about inner strength and that's what I need to channel now.

Where:  I'm at home this week.  And right now am just hanging out with the doggos.

Weather:  It was beautiful out today.  The sun was shining and I spent time hanging out in the hammock and it was wonderful.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54/8:54


March 10, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Getting down to business, lighting the way, strong and courageous, not standing on ceremony

Book:  Natural born leader, creative visionary, fearlessness, successful ideation

Guidance:   Boldly express your offbeat weirdo


I love this card as it is a card of looking toward the future and of lighting the way.  One of the things that I need to work on is really charting my course and figuring out where I want to go.  I love the salary that my job provides, but I'm not thrilled with the work.  I would much rather be living my own best life and doing what is important to me.

the problem is that I'm not sure how to get there.  I think I need to do some serious magick and figure it out.

Where I'm At: I'm sitting on the couch with Clarko snoring next to me and Wendy in her cuddle cup.

Weather: It's a little cold out, but not snowing yet

Moon Phase:  First Quarter 50%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:46 am / 6:27 pm


February 6, 2019

Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Beauty, passion, preening

Book:  Honesty, charm, passion, leadership, phoenix

Guidance:  Be the phoenix


I actually felt like a phoenix today as I worked on my sigils (see below).  It felt so good to do something artistic and creative.  I realize that I've really missed that and that while I have been nurturing the intellectual side of myself, I have not been nurturing the creative side and that's a problem.  I've neglected my creative side and that has left me stuck.  I hadn't realize how much I used my creativity to heal and learn about myself.  A big part of that was my tarot journaling as it allowed me to get in touch with myself and learn about who I am.  I know that since I have started journaling about tarot again in December, I've felt better.  And even on the days when I am pissed off and angry, I've at least felt like I had an outlet.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today, enjoying time with the dogs.  I unfortunately was up most of the night as I just couldn't sleep, but for the most part it has been a good day as I spent the morning working on sigils and I got two new tarot decks.

Mood:  I'm tired, but in a good mood

Weather:  At 2:27 AM it is 14 degrees and mostly clear, but it is supposed to get up to 35 today so maybe some of the snow will melt.  we aren't supposed to get any snow today!

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 21 percent

Sunrise/Sunset:  7:32 am / 5:48 PM

June 27, 2019

Deck;  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Wisdom, lit from the sun, forward motion

Book:  Creative visions, loving a challenge and opportunity to strategize, only comfortable when he's in charge, intolerant of weakness in himself and others,

Guidance:  Call upon the leader in yourself


This is an incredibly interesting card as it speaks to me on so many levels.  I do love to be creative and figure out how to take an idea from a spark to fruition.  That's incredibly fun for me as I love the creativity involved in figuring out the angles, overcoming obstacles, etc.  I think that's the real reason I want to stay at my current job as there is something immensely satisfying in doing something that no one thought could be done and doing it well.  It feed my ego so much to have people tell me that I'm actually making it work.  I also get personal satisfaction out of it as well, especially since I am really starting to see results.  It's interesting because when I met with Cindy she said she was a builder and that applies to me as well.  I love the leadership aspects of building something amazing, but I'm not so good at managing things and having to deal with employees.

It is the other piece of this where I fall down and that's only being comfortable when I'm in charge.  This doesn't exhibit itself as not taking orders from my boss, but it does come into play when I end up having subordinates as I want to micromanage them and I am convinced that they will screw it up and I will have to fix it.  However, when I take a step back and am kind to myself and look at things realistically instead of focusing on my flaws, I realize that in a lot of ways my behavior is completely understandable because the people I have had as subordinates have not really been up to the task.  I had people trying to do quick reference guides who had no idea how to do the transactions.  I also had people who didn't care.  I hadn't actually hired any of these people so it makes sense that it didn't work.  I can do a good job of mentoring and giving good direction when I have the right people working for me.

I have also learned that just because I think something critical doesn't mean that I'm a bad person or that I'm mean.  It is okay to have those thoughts as long as you stifle them and what comes out of my mouth is helpful.  I'm learning to do that with people at work as there are times I just want to say "What an idiot!"  However, I've learned to stop, redirect, and come up with something helpful.  There is too much meanness in the world, there is no reason that I need to contribute to it.

December 20, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Loss of Passion

Book:  Be careful, be aware of recklessness, inability to move forward, need to move forward, hesitating, uncertainty

Guidance:  Be more assertive, be more confident


This card fits where i am today as I have been dragging my heels about this course that I'm creating.  I think the root cause is that I am afraid to go into the darkness again.  I'm afraid of opening doors that I thought I'd closed.  However, there is a reason this is coming up now so I will honor the process and go back into my darkness.

July 8, 2018

Interesting when I read this and think about the actual meanings of the words.  I haven't worked on my course in a while and I think it is because I've learned the lessons and it really is time for me to move forward.  I don't need to go back into the darkness and I don't owe it to anyone to guide them or help them.  I guide my kids and I provide for them and I don't need to give my all to anyone. 

I've also found that my daily and weekly tarot practices are helping me to dig into the darkness without becoming overwhelmed.  I find so much healing in tarot and the discipline of pulling a card everyday really helps to to get all the junk out in a deliberate way.

Saturday, May 28, 2022

Week Ending May 28: Desert Passage

Ace of Swords

 May 28 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  At home in the sword.  I love the windows in the shaft of the sword.  It also looks like there are tents in the sword and little men.  There is also a wreath

Book: Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas

Guidance: Clear Windows into Right Action


The Ace of Swords for me is always about cutting through bullshit and getting to the heart of the matter.  I've always thought of it as cutting through emotional bullshit, but as i reflect on this card I could see it could also be a decluttering card as getting rid of the clutter can help us see a straight path and can help clear out the emotional clutter.  I know that I always feel stuck when there is so much physical clutter around.  I think that is why I love going to hotels because there isn't so much junk.  I can see clearly and I don't get distracted by the clutter.  

My goal for the summer is to get the house clean and cut down on the clutter.  Every other Friday we're going to spend time cleaning.  I'm also going to spend time cleaning during the week.  this week I've actually got a lot done and I'm going to keep working on it today.  The problem is that I get so tired so it takes me a while, but if I just keep going bit by bit, I will get it done.

Where: I'm home today and I was actually pretty productive.  I got up early, went to the store, then to the Farmers Market.  I also had a call with Dr. Perkins about my PhD.  Things are not looking good as she thinks that Western won't start the program up again.  However, I'm okay with that and I am just going to take it one day at a time.

Weather:  It was chilly this morning when I went tot he market, but it started to warm up in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 am / 8:51 Pm


April 30, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Fighting the good fight, rewards for fighting, cutting through bullshit

Book:  Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas

Guidance: Clear Windows into right action


This one makes me chuckle right now as my window is not clear and is covered with duck tape.  I like the thought of clear windows leading to right action.  This tells me that the way to figure out what I want to do in life is to clean out all the clutter so I can see clearly.  Starting next weekend, that's what my plan is.  I want to get rid of all the physical junk so i can start working on the emotional junk.  

Physically I have been feeling horrible lately and I honestly don't know if it is emotional clutter, true physical ailments, or something else.  All I know is that I need to get rid of all the junk so I can see my path forward.

Where:  I'm at home today and I am utterly exhausted.  My whole body is achy and it is difficult to even drag myself upright.

Weather:  It is a little chilly out, but it has been nice.

Moon Phase:  Dark Moon

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:22 am / 8:24 PM

May 29th Update

Interesting as I read this that I made the connection between bullshit and clutter last month as well.  I did do some work cleaning out clutter, but there is still work to be done.  I think the thing is that I get totally overwhelmed and it is not only my stuff, it is everyone else's.  Cam has opened two boxes and just left them where they lay.  She is horrible about that and I don't know how to make things different.


March 17, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Fractials, spiral staircase, channeling the wisdom of the universe

Book:  New ideas, clarity, truths revealed, thought, communication

Guidance:   Make use of your mindset tools


I'm sitting here half a sleep and feeling as if my brain will never be truly awake.  It feels as if all my best brain cells go to work.  I have to figure out a way to do my work and get paid, but still have time and energy for the stuff that matters.  I think I need to consider starting to exercise again.  I have been a couch potato lately and I have the feeling that that is part of the reason I have no energy.  I also don't get out of the house a lot so I'm breathing in dander filled air.  

I realize that I spend a lot of time living in my brain and not living an embodied life.  I need to work to build that mind body connection so that both are strong.

Where I'm At: I'm sitting on the couch before work.  Wendy is mad because Sean is gone and she 

Weather: It is beautiful out.  It's bright and sunny

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:35 am / 7: 35 pm


September 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Reaching for the stars

Book: Something is ready to ignite, beginning of a new phase

Guidance: Trust your innovative ideas


This is an interesting card to have chosen for today is because one of the realizations I've come to is that if I am truly serious about building a life outside of the 9 to 5, I need to take actions to market myself and become a trusted resource for people in the tarot community.  I also have to give back by attending conferences and speaking if I feel called to do so.  The shift that is happening inside my soul is that I'm realizing that I do have something to give back and I do have something to talk about.  Up until recently, I've felt as if I didn't have anything to say that matters, but that is starting to change as I realize that I do have a lot of wisdom to offer other people.

Some of the ways that I need to start marketing myself include posting my daily draw on Facebook on a regular basis, using instagram, and speaking at conferences.  The first two I'm struggling with as it feels as if I'm using my relationships to sell stuff.  However, when I sit back and look at things objectively, I realize that's not the case.  I am posting something that people may or may not be interested in.  If they are not interested, then they don't have to read it.  And by the same token, if people are not interested in what I post on Instagram, they don't have to read it.  I'm just posting the message and that's easier for me to do than to actively solicit business.  I think "selling" gives me a bad taste in my mouth because I have tried to sell books and other things before and I haven't been successful as it seemed like more work went in to selling than into being creative. 

What I'm taking as the message from this card is that things will ignite, I just have to trust the pathway that I'm going down.  This is also another one of those cards that speaks to trust and trust is something I've historically had a lot of issues with as it is really hard for me to trust people.  I feel like the underlying message for me with this card is to trust the universe.

I'm grateful for dinner with the kids
I'm grateful for snuggling on the couch with the doggos
I'm grateful for laughing with Cam
I'm grateful for spending time taroting
I'm grateful for yummy beans and rice
I'm grateful for my peaceful home
I'm grateful for time spent reading and reflecting this morning

May 19, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Discerning, cutting away what no longer serves

Book:  Truth, Yoni as gateway to powers of the sword, Inspiration, insight, and keen intellect, double edged sword

Guidance:  Rationally analyze situations to make good decisions, commit yourself to the truth


I chose to write about the Ace of Swords today because for me this card symbolizes cutting away what is no longer needed.  I view it as a giant pair of scissors that cut away attachments that tangle us up and serve no purpose.  As summer is here, this card could also be viewed as a big pair of pruning sheers cutting away dead wood so that what is left behind can grow and find the sunlight.  Unfortunately, pruning the dead wood out of our lives is not as easy as pruning dead branches, because all too often the dead wood is relationships that have outlived their usefulness or that are strangling us.

My separation (2010) and divorce (2011) not only cleared away the dead wood of a marriage that was strangling me and causing me to become an angry and bitter person, they also illuminated the root of the problem which was an unhealthy relationship with my mother.  I realized that she had raised me to be a doormat and put everyone else's needs above mine.  When I wanted to go to a writer's conference and my now ex was going to watch the kids, she asked me if he was okay with that.  When I was chosen to go to a class at work, she said he should go because he worked in IT and I didn't.  And what caused the final rift was when I told her John and I had separated and she asked how everyone else was, except me. She never once asked how I was feeling or if I was okay.  It was all about everyone else.  Then she had the audacity to say, "There's not going to be a divorce, is there?"  It did not matter to her that I was crushed and devastated, all she cared about was everyone else's feelings and about social standing.  That was a moment of truth for me and at that moment it felt as if a flashlight was illuminating my entire relationship with my mother and I realized how she had hurt me.

Cutting your mother out of my life was difficult because there was a part of me that felt guilty and as if maybe I was overreacting, but when she guilt tripped me on my 50th birthday and refused to even consider that my feelings might be valid, I realized I had made the right choice.  However, knowing intellectually you've made the right choice and knowing in your heart you've made the right choice are two different things.  There are so many moments in my life where I want a mom to be there for me and to listen to me and to help me figure things out, but I don't have that mother in my life.  It hurts sometimes and there are times I Google estranged parents online to see if there is anything else I can do to heal the rift, but there's nothing.  At the end of the day, if she refuses to acknowledge her part in the rift there is nothing I can do.   I've also pondered if I could have a more superficial relationship with my mother, but I also know that that wouldn't work because anytime I told her she that a topic was off limits, she would pout.  It still hurts, but I also know that I'm in a healthier place because she is not in my life.

I'm also working to apply the sword of truth to other people in my life and over the past week I've realized that I need to cut a friend out of my life who was my rock during my divorce.  As I sat and listened to him complain about how people had teased him, I realized he was being a hypocrite and the teasing he'd endured was no worse than what he had dished out to me.  The worst was when I fell and got a serious concussion.  He told a coworker that I was drunk and wearing high heels when it happened.  And when I protested, he said I was being too sensitive.  As I look back at the incident, I realize I was in no way being too sensitive.  It would have been one thing to say that to me in a teasing manner, but to say that to someone else was out of line.  I reminded him of that and he chuckled as if it was no big deal.  I realized that our friendship wasn't going to work any longer because I've grown and changed and I no longer accept disrespect in my life.


Visualize the toxic people who are holding you back and see the ribbons of energy that are attaching you to those people.  Pull out your great big sword of truth or a big pair of shiny pruning sheers and virtually cut those energetic ties.  Once you've got the times, take a moment to thank them for whatever lessons they've brought to your life and let them go.  For some relationships, you may have to do this exercise multiple times, but eventually you will know that the cords have been cut.

May 29, 2022 Update

Wow!  I had forgotten about how B. responded after I got my concussion.  That was a total jackass thing to do and there is no way in hell I was too sensitive about how he behaved.  He was being a jackass and there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  That was a horrible thing to do and to say.  I deserve better than that.

December 21, 2017

Ace of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot
Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Ace of Air

First Impressions:  The first impressions of Nemesis are not positive.  I get the impression that she is pointing at someone and giving them unsolicited advice or shaming them.  However, she isn't waving her sword around so I guess unsolicited advice is better than the alternative.  I do love the colors on this card as the gold of her tunic is a slightly lighter color than the gold of the field.  The ace of swords always tells me that this is about cutting through bullshit.

Book:  The first step in discernment:  Perceive what exists.  Grants the knowledge of what is right and good.  Enforcing the limits beyond one which one should not perceive.

Guidance:  Apply objectivity to achieve clarity, mediate your ego, stay nimble, moderate your sacrifice.


I like the reminders in this card.  It is more guidance to stay in the middle path.  I also have to be objective.  I know this who reorganization is nt about me at all, but my ego is feeling shuffled to the side so I'm a tad annoyed that I have to let go of my feelings.  No!  I don't need to let go, I need to acknowledge.

December 28, 2017

I have grown so much in the last year and I am so much better about not making it all about me.  Okay, that's not exactly true, I do tend to make it all about me, but then I talk myself off the ledge and I see things more rationally.  Watching yourself grow up is a pretty cool experience!
November 17, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Cut through the bullshit

Book:  Gift of the sword is intellect, powerful and dangerous words can heal or hurt

Guidance:  Use the gift of thought well, to see the world clearly, to communicate well, be aware of having a sharp tongue


I love the meaning of this card and the reminder that logic can cut both ways.  I can think my way into  box when I only look at cold, hard facts.  I have learned that to see the whole picture, I have to use both logic and emotion. 

My brain tells me that it will never happen and that I should move on.  My heart tells me a different story.  My heart tells me it will happen and I need to continue to believe.  For now, I'm going to continue to believe my heart. 

November 20, 2017

The ace of swords cuts through bullshit.  This is a great card to pull when life seems murky and there is a need to step back and review.  This is also a great card to pull when you need to cut ties with someone.

November 8, 2018

Interesting read on this card as it is about using logic and about cutting ties.  I'm finally at that place where I'm ready to cut ties.  My feelings for him served a very useful purpose in my life, but I'm finally feeling strong enough to move on and be my own self.  If I put as much love and energy into my life as i do into that pursuit, I will have a kick ass life.

November 18, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First impressions:  Lay down your weapons

Book:  Be aware of having a sharp tongue, potential to be valiant and victorious, negative omen suggesting chaos and dysfunction, unfulfilled ambition, imbalance, thought disconnected from heart, not the time to face things

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power


What a wonderful card to have drawn today.  it is a little scary to think of Trump in power, but this is where I have to act with both my head and my heart.  I have to be smart and protect my assets and my kids, but I also have to function and do what's right and get involved in what matters to me.  I have to give my life meaning by advocating for mental health and women's rights.  My voice and time have to be spent protecting what matters.

July 5, 2019

I haven't done a lot of advocating or working toward change and I have to be honest and say that a big reason is that it feels useless.  The people who believe what I believe are going to continue to believe what I believe and the ones who don't, do not seem to be inclined to change their minds.  I have worked on turning inward and improving myself.  One of the ways I believe that I can change the world is to not be so reactive and to be more measured in my response.  I think when we all rush from thing to thing as trump lumbers through the world and if we are more measured and less reactive, the world will be more calm and we will get through this.

October 14, 2016

Deck;  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, lack of clarity

Book:  Personal energy being scattered, anarchy within the seeker, hostile, negativity, unfulfilled ambition, poor judgement

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head


I feel like nothing I do matters for me.  Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me.  We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I'm still stuck in Chicago every week.  All I want is to find love and be happy.  I have to be honest and say that I'm thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn't seem to matter for me.  I feel like just a vehicle for other people's happiness, but I'm not worthy of happiness myself.

Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that's hard when life sucks and you don't have the one thing that matters.  I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with.  I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me?  Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough?  I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me.  I've fought so hard against needing someone, but I'm ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.

Goddess, please guide me to my love.

May 24, 2018

I wish that I could say that in the time since I've written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I've been working really hard not to lie to myself.  There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely.  However, I've been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways.  That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don't like to be selfish.  However, I'm starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing. 

A big part of the reason, I'm able to start doing this is because I'm able to say F* you to my mother's voice in my head.  I'm able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things.  I deserve a car of my own.  I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me.  I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch.  I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.

It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday.  And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people.  That is all so much BS.  I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me.  I am capable of doing all of those things by myself.  That doesn't mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.

The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me.  But what she added on actually made me feel good.  She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding.  That made me feel good
September 24, 2016

Ace of Swords
Hanson Roberts
Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  The sword is piercing a laurel wreath, does this portend victory?  The hilt of the sword is bound with leather and there appears to be a ruby in the hilt.  The sun is shining through the clouds and reflecting off the sword.  The sword speaks to me of new beginnings and intellectual opportunities.

Book:  Clarity, success, sharp focus, cut attachments that no longer serve us, instrument of change, new beginnings

Guidance:  Be true to yourself


This week has truly been about the need to cut away and leave things that no longer serve me behind.  Right now I'm feeling the need to pull away from a coworker who I don't feel is working in our client's best interests.  It also makes me wonder if this is about cutting ties with people who were important, but who I've drifted away from.

December 23, 2017

It's interesting to reflect on this card today because I've been working hard to cut some cords that no longer serve me.  I've realized that I need to cut cords with John and quit getting all swirly about what he does or does not do in his life.  I've worked hard to let go of being judgmental and to let go of commenting on other people's decisions that don't affect me, but with him I continue to judge.  I have to admit that there is a part of me that wants him to fail and have a miserable life because of how he abused me and hurt me.  However, all that holding on to that anger does is keep me tied to him.  I need to let go of that rope that is keeping me tied down because it truly no longer serves me.

I also need to let go of someone who was so instrumental in my healing, but who no longer has a true role to play in my life.  I need to be grateful for the unconditional love he gave me and accept that our paths have diverged.
April 20, 2016

Ace of Air
Gaian Tarot
Deck:  Gaian Tarot


Oddly enough, I initially read this card as reversed as the butterfly is hanging upside down.  To me this card reversed would be about cocooning and not being ready to go through a change.  However, the card is actually upright and shows me blossoming and being ready to spread my wings and fly.

I think I'm finally in a place were I can really love.  I can accept that I am worthy of love and worthy to be someone's partner.

December 25, 2017

Last year in a lot of ways was about laying the groundwork for being ready for love.  It was about understanding what unconditional love is and what it isn't.  Unconditional love is about loving someone in spite of their annoying habits and idiosyncrasies, but it is not about loving someone who is abusive.  It is also not about sacrificing yourself on the altar of love.  John demanded sacrifices that I wasn't willing or ready to give and his favorite line was, "Well if you loved me, you would.."  However, that's not what love is.  Love is not about forcing or guilting someone in to doing something.  It is about giving and receiving love with an open heart. 

Love doesn't mean that you have the right to demand someone sacrifice themselves for you.  You can accept someone's sacrifice, but you cannot demand it.  John constantly browbeat me and manipulated me under the pretense of love.  I'm strong enough now to accept and realize that if he truly loved me, he would not have demanded the sacrifices he demanded. 

I'm so proud of how much I have grown and matured in the past year because I am in a place where I understand what love is and I understand that it is okay to say no to someone you love and that it is okay to set boundaries with someone you love.

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Six of Swords

 May 25, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Sisterhood, escaping under the dark of night, escaping domestic violence, going into the void together

Book:  Cutting losses, escaping, carried pain, relocation

Guidance: Everything moves in its own time


Working with K is interesting as she is not escaping domestic violence, but she is leaving behind a bad situation to move on and what I see in her is some of the same reluctance that I saw in myself. My marriage was horrible, but it was what I knew.  It was what I had been raised to believe was what I was supposed to do:  stay with someone who abused me because I had taken a vow.  There are days I really hate my mother for how much she fucked up my head.  How she taught me that love was pain and that no matter what I was supposed to stay married.  

There is a part of me that feels that I was totally stupid for believing that and a part of me that blames myself, but the reality is that she was my mother and she was supposed to love and nurture me, but she didn't do that.  She hurt me and taught me that I was disposable.  I know that I am a strong and independent woman, but there is a part of me that is a scared little girl.  I'm getting the message to set up an altar to that scared little girl and to take care of her.

Where: I'm home today.  I worked from home and after work, I went to Metro to work with K. on her resume.  It actually felt really good to sit with her and help her on her resume.  It made me feel like I was doing something useful and productive.

Weather:  The weather was nice today.  It was a little chilly, but the sun was out

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 23%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 am / 8:49


February 21, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, grief at leaving a place with meaning.  Birds moving on

Book:  Transitions, help arriving at the perfect time, healing, moving beyond trauma

Guidance:   Ask for and accept help


Where I'm At:  I'm at home sitting in my living room, feeling the peace of my altar as I am reminded of the healing power of the earth.  Clark is snoring on the ottoman with his snoot covered up by a blanket.  I'm supposed to go to Open Table tonight, but I'm exhausted and my sinuses are acting up.  I also have to admit that it just feels like an overwhelming amount of effort to take a shower, get dressed, and go out.  Even though the world is opening up, more and more I feel like hiding.  I just feel overwhelmed by everything.  However, I also know that a big part of why I feel overwhelmed today is that I ODed on sugar yesterday.  I ate 4 donuts, a candy bar, 64 oz of juice, and probably a bunch more garbage.  The thing is that it didn't even make me feel good.  It just made me feel more and more draggy and gross and my mood became more and more depressed.  

The problem is that I hate my job so much that I use food, especially sugar, to distract myself.  Then I pay the price because I feel depressed and draggy.  I'm working to take care of myself today by drinking lots of water to flush out my body and relaxing.  

Mood:  I'm mostly in a good mood, but I am exhausted as Wendy was limping so I slept on the couch with her.  As a result, I am a little cranky and stiff.

Weather:   It is actually beautiful out as it is 51 degrees and as I write this I'm hearing a bird outside.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 76%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13 am/ 6:07 pm


August 9, 2019

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Journeying, venturing out

Book:  Journey out of consciousness

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be led out of the darkness


Leaving home and setting out on a trip is always about shifts in consciousness.  It is about leaving behind what is familiar and setting out with only the things we need into the unknown.  Even if the route has been well mapped, there is still a sense of difference and moving into something less familiar.  There is always a sense that there are new lessons to be learned and potential danger even if the road is well traveled.

We had a beautiful drive through Ohio and West Virginia.  We went exploring and found Salt Lake State Park which is a huge park with camping, a cave, and lots of trails.  It's a place that we may venture back to with the dogs for a weekend or for a few days of R&R.  One of the things I love about traveling with Cam is that we just meander, we let ourselves explore the interesting side roads and byways.  I think that's the best part of travel as you see new things and you learn new things.  I know that as we were driving, I had the sense of leaving all my cares behind and finding my way toward peace.

One of the coolest things that happened was that as we were going through the mountains and we were talking about how hitchhikers were dumb and putting themselves at risk, we both smelled perfume or hotel soap in the car.  The smell just came upon us all of the sudden and it filled the car.  Both Cam and I smelled it.  I'm not sure if it was a ghost or what, but it was pretty cool.

We ended our night in a Motel 6 and I always find it funny that I feel so much like it is traveling and vacation when I stay at cheap hotels.  Staying at more expensive hotels always feels like work, which makes sense because those are the hotels I stay in when I work.  There is just a sense of adventure in staying at cheap hotels because it feels so transient and as if this is where we are tonight, but tomorrow we'll be somewhere else.


I'm grateful for the beautiful drive
I'm grateful for leaving early
I'm grateful for the conversation with Cam
I'm grateful for the snuggly bed
I'm grateful for Sean taking care of the doggos
I'm grateful for the beautiful moon over the mountains
May 21, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Fleeing, walking away, courage

Book:  Journeys of all kinds, taking a trip, change of consciousness, exploring realms on the other side

Guidance:  The time has come to leave old pain, places, and patterns behind, choose to take the next steps


This is such a card of courage and commitment and that's where I'm at right now as I am choosing to commit to my new life and to leave my hold life behind.  It's funny, buying a house with John in 2007 was a bigger commitment than marriage because it involved my financial security and he came close to destroying me financially when he walked out because he chose not to help and he chose to just walk away.   The funny thing is that at the time that I signed the paperwork I knew it would end poorly, but I chose to take the commitment because I believed that it was a commitment that would save my marriage.  It did not.

Buying a house in 2015 and choosing to move to Cleveland was my physical moving on and leaving behind Chicago and all that it entailed.  What I just found out from two close friends from Chicago as they both viewed it as a spiritual graduation of sorts as I was taking charge of my own life and making deliberate choices versus drifting.  It was a huge step in my growth, but I'm still working on moving forward and finding my way.  What I have found is that, as the text from the World Spirit, book says, "...the hardest part may be getting over your fear of moving into unknown territory."  For me, unknown territory means choosing to claim my life as my own and choosing to move forward alone instead of waiting for someone to share my life with.  

It is a little scary to accept that I may always be alone, but it is also very liberating as well as it means that I don't have to subjugate myself to anyone.  I can paint my bathroom pink if I want to, I can buy a little red sports car, I can live my life according to my own wishes and not have to take someone else's opinions into consideration.  It's liberating and scary all at the same time, but I'm finally ready.


Pull the six of swords from your favorite deck, climb into the boat, and sail toward your destiny.
August 23, 2017

Six of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot
Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Movement

Book:  Goddess of arts, healing, and battle, being initiated to battle, this is a time of learning

Guidance:  Accept guidance and find your purpose, prepare for challenges, learn from trusted teachers, balance activities


Wow!  What an interesting card to draw today for what I learned from today.  I've been asking what the next steps are and where I go from here.  I'm being led and this card is telling me to accept guidance and find my purpose.  Every time I ask to be led, it keeps coming back to tarot.  I love tarot and it has really helped me to make that final push to heal and all of the work I've done to date has been amazing, but it is the tarot work that has been pushing me thee last few yards.

What I love about it is that it is the same that is different.  I read the cards with my mind and my heart.  I will continue to pray and meditate and allow myself to be guided wherever this journey takes me.

December 18, 2017

I'm still not sure what it all means, but I know I cannot earn what I earn now by doing tarot and I need to earn my salary.

December 25, 2017

The message I'm being given is to trust and I will be taken care of.  I need to trust that it will all turn out the way it is meant to.  It is incredibly hard to live a life of trust and surrender as those two words are the antithesis of my personality, but I really need to let go of my need to control my destiny and trust that they have something amazing and wonderful in store for me and that all I need to do is to take the next step.  I know I've been guided to where I'm at today and that the next step has appeared as I've needed to take it, so why should I doubt that they will continue to guide me and be there for me?
October 20, 2016

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  
Moving away from chaos, calm seas ahead

Book:  Journey, passage away from hardship, moving on, but bringing baggage

Guidance:  Cut one's losses and move on, unload some baggage


Definitely a message that I've been getting lately that I need to let go of the baggage and move on  It is also something that I've been trying to do, but i keep getting dragged back to Chicago.  I'm ready to move on, but I keep being stuck in projects in Chicago and I don't know why I'm stuck in Chicago or what lessons I'm supposed to be learning.

May 25, 2018

I'm realizing that the lesson I needed to learn was that I needed to make an actual decision to leave Chicago and t cut ties.  As long as I was choosing to keep one foot in the city, I was keeping myself bound to Chicago.  I had to deliberately make the decision to not keep going back to Chicago for emotional fulfillment.  That has been a really hard decision for me to make, but it was the right decision for me and my decision not to go to Chicago with Sean a few months ago really helped move me in the right direction.

Sunday, May 22, 2022


 May 22, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Overseeing, flight, seen from above

Book: Justice, karma, integrity, honesty, self examination of motive

Guidance:  Justice is not and cannot be blind


This is an interesting card to pull after my reading yesterday and my dreams.  I dreamed of the night that John beat me and my brain tried to figure out an out.  How could I have escaped the situation and had him face the justice that he deserves.  I don't know if there is another way out.  However, I do know that he is facing his karma right now.  His karma is that he lives alone in a house that he can't even afford to maintain.  I know there are pieces of my house that I need to fix, but when my window cracked, I had the money to  fix it.

It makes me mad that he isn't paying for his crimes through the courts, but maybe this is better.  He is alone and broke.  They are telling me that I need to let it go and know that he is facing what he needs to face.

Where:   I've been hanging out on the couch all day.  There are days I just feel so trapped and as if I should really get out and move around more.  I know I would probably feel better if I got up and around, but the inertia is really hard to overcome.

Weather:  It is actually really nice outside.  It is a little chilly, but not too cold.  

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter, 53%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:59 / 846


April 13, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Not firmly balanced, a little off kilter

Book:  Justice, karma, integrity, honesty, self examination of motive

Guidance:  Justice is not and cannot be blind


There is so much juiciness in the reading for this card.  The self examination of motive talks to me today because sometimes I do have ulterior motives.  I'm asking that about my conversation with John yesterday.  Did I want to put the Quality team down so I looked like a savior?  To be honest, I don't think so because they could have reached out to John directly and expressed their feelings.  I was trying to make it about the situation and not about people.  I think I was clumsy in my attempt, but I do think my motives to have everyone get along were pure.

The other piece that speaks to me is that justice cannot be blind.  I think that justice should be blind, but isn't.  And because justice is not blind for rich white dudes who can afford the best lawyers, it can't be blind for poor people of color.  Justice has to take into account the systematic issues that created some situations.  However, I do think there are crimes where their our no systematic issues and the criminals are just jerks (i.e. Cam's assailant).

Where: It's 6:45 in the morning and I'm sitting in my Modesto hotel room getting ready for the day to start.  I love having first things in the morning to sit and reflect and meditate.  It is a little sliver of alone time.  I need to figure out how to make this work at home.

Weather: It's currently 39 degrees out, but it is clear and will be up to 65 today.  It looks like it will be one of those warm and sunny California days

Moon Phase:  Waning, Gibbous, 87

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:30 am / 7:38 PM


 December 28, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Balance, fierce, no mercy, mysterious

Book:  Power weilded with both intelligence and impartiality


The Amhaeng-Eosa were secret royal inspectors in the Joseon Kingdom (1392-1897) of Korea who were appointed directly by the king.  They were sent out to uncover corruption and punish wrong doers.  As I reflect on their mission and this card, I realize that that there is much in this card that can apply to my personal life.  

Be Balanced

For me, yin-yang symbol in this card reminds me that sometimes I need to be forthcoming about who I am and what I want and other times I need to be less circumspect.  This is interesting for me as historicaly, I have liked to be front and center with my needs as I'm afraid that if I don't say what I want, I wont' get it.  I have never been one for hiding in the shadows and waiting to be introduced.  However, as I reflect on this card I realize that sometimes there is value in staying in the shadows and observing.  I do know from my professional world that sometimes there is tremendous benefit in watching and observing.  You can learn a lot from people by observing their behavior when they don't know they are being watched.

Own Your Identity

The secret royal inspectors carried mapae with them.  These mapae served a dual purpose as they had horses carved on them and the secret royal inspector was entitled to commandeer as many horses as were carved on the mapae.  These mapae were also used to identify the secret royal inspectors.  For me, this means owning my identity and being true to who I am.

Know Your Boundaries

The Amhaeng-Eosa were backed by the king, as evidenced by the palance on this card.  They had set authority and tasks they were expected to complete.  This translates to boundaries for me as I need to know what my authority is and what I'm willing to accept from other people.  In the past, I have not been good about maintaining boundaries and I have let other people walk all over me.


The sword is how I enforce my boundaries.  Swords were used in the past to settle disputes and to punish wrong doers.  While I may not physically wield a sword to cut the head off a wrong doer, I can wield a sword to enforce my boundaries by being clear about what I will and will not accept.  This is a good reminder for me as I have a boss who believes in playing nice and maintaining the peace.  However, my past experience has taught me that there are people in this world that you need to be firm with and that you need to be very clear to the point of being harsh about what is and is not acceptable.  Although this doesn't always win friends, it is important to stand up for yourself.


September 4, 2019

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Seeing justice

Book:  Wisdom and balance, need to think about the consequences of our actions

Guidance:  Carefully weigh the outcomes to make sure you achieve balance before acting


This is an interesting card for me right now because I feel like my life is all tangled up in the justice system and that my family's happiness depends upon what 12 random people decide about a random person who choose to hurt my daughter.  When I put it that way, it seems ridiculous that I would give those 12 random people so much power over my happiness, but my random brain and my emotions are not always connected and there is a part of me deep down inside that doesn't believe in trusting justice.  At the heart of all of this is a lack of trust as it is so difficult for me to trust anyone even people who have proven themselves over and over to be trustworthy.

My fear / distrust of the justice system is also driven by the fact that when I was in high school and hit by a truck, the justice system refused to award me just compensation.  The insurance company was allowed to not pay out and when we went to court, we did not receive just compensation.  I believe that lies at my fear of the justice system, the belief that for some reason justice will not prevail.  That is an interesting and odd way to look at things, but I think that is at the heart of a lot of what I'm feeling.  I feel as if the justice system proved itself untrustworthy once so why should I trust it again.  Even though my brain knows that this is a completely different situation, my heart still thinks that justice is messed up.  I think the only thing that is going to help is time and patience and repeatedly letting go of my fears.


I'm grateful that Scott told me what OV said

I'm grateful for the good call with Doty

I'm grateful for the good conversation with John

I'm grateful that I got a good night's sleep

I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy


May 30, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First impressions:  Fairness, sense of honesty

Book:  Seeing all sides clearly, taking responsibility for our actions

Guidance:  Be honest with yourself and others


I don't like this reading today.  I picked this card because the bastard that raped my daughter was arrested this week and I want him to get justice.  Okay, that's not truly accurate as I want vengeance.  I want him to suffer the worst that life has to offer.  I want his body, mind, and soul to be destroyed.  However, I don't trust the justice system to deliver anything anywhere near justice.  He has pleaded guilty and has a public defender, which means the odds are more in our favor than if he could afford a private attorney, but I still don't trust the justice system.

Lady Justice,

Please let him pay for his crimes.


December 9, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as it shows justice in a triangle with the sun the bottom and her holding two arms of the triangle.  It is a striking card.  Justice is blind.  Reversed this card says I'm not making balanced decisions.

Book:  Pausing for a self check, not recognizing we are out of balance, psychic imbalance

Guidance:  Embrace the chaos, live in love, take time to balance your energy


Interesting card as I could read this many ways.  I could read it as being out of balance and listening to other people instead of myself.  I could also read it as a perversion of justice and things that should happen, not flowing they way they should.  I think i'm just going to sit with it and see what happens.

January 25, 2018 Update

This card is again a warning that I'm out of balance.  This week was physically rough as I got pulled in multiple directions for OCM and had to be responsive even though I had no extra time.  I am mindful of people pulling  my consultants in multiple directions, but there is no one who does that for me.  I'm left to my own devices with people continually tugging on me.  The problem is that it it really isn't a lot of work, but the distractions make me lose focus.

On the plus side, I've been getting better about managing my own energy needs and saying no to things that are just energy sucks.  It isn't always easy, but I'm doing it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------May 4, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance

Book:  Emerging from darkness and confusion, unqualified search for truth, internal need for equilibrium

Guidance: Become in harmony with laws of nature, obtaining balance, time for work and action, create one's own journey

Affirmation:  I create my own joy


Interesting card to pull as I'm struggling with my inner darkness and emptiness.  I want to be happy but that's hard to do when I'm lonely and I don't just want random people in my life.  I want meaningful relationships. 

Thursday, May 19, 2022

Ace of Wands

May 19, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Pushing forward, magick wand, sunshine, creativity

Book:  Initial spark, courage, energy, beginning ideas

Guidance: Pen to paper starts the plan


I actually love this card as i can see it in so many ways.  It is about lighting the way through the darkness, it is creativity, it is figuring out how to make things happen.  One of the things that I have learned is that sometimes it is enough to put pen to paper then set it aside.  The very act of writing down the plan creates momentum.  I look through some of my old journals and I am amazed to see what has actually come true.

I think having a spark of creativity is also important as I'm facing serious health challenges.  I am exhausted all the time and taking small steps to do little things to be creative is important.

Where: I'm just hanging at home today with the kids and dogs

Weather:  It was hot today.  We took the doggos out briefly, but they had no desire to stay outside.  Just like us, they just want to hang out in the air conditioning

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 84%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:01 am / 8:43 pm


February 27, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Meditation, creativity, third eye, flames

Book:  New ideas, arrival of inspiration, interconnectedness, manifestation

Guidance:   Open your heart to new beginnings


I love this card and the thought of opening myself to new beginnings.  I've been super depressed lately and bogged down with all the ickiness in the world, but I think it is time to let go of all of that and focus on the good that is in the world and what I can do to create a life that I love.  One big step that I have taken lately is to stop going out to stores as much.  During the pandemic, I wanted to go out because I felt trapped, but now that the world is opening back up, it is so much easier to just say no.  I don't need anything and the more stuff I surround myself with, the harder it is to be creative because there is no space to create.  

When I think about how life should be simple and should just come down to the basics, it reminds me that the more clutter there is in my head and in my house, the harder it is to be creative.  I need to work to open up room to create.  I think that is going to be my focus for the next little while, opening up space to create.

Where I'm At:  It is a clear and beautiful Sunday morning out and I'm sitting on the couch hanging out with the doggos.  Clark is snuggled under the sleeping bag and Wendy is on the orange chair.  It feels peaceful today despite all the crap that is going on in the world.

Weather:  It is clear and a little warmer today as it is 35 degrees

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 am / 6:15 pm


January 31, 2022

Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Passionate, creative, entering the creative zone

Book:  Excitement, creativity, a spark, new beginnings

Guidance:  Take advantage of the spark of creativity

Where I'm At:  I'm home and I am so flipping sick of the snow.  There is over a foot outside and we are supposed to get 14 inches later this week.  It seems as if it will never go away.  However, now that I've gotten that gripe out of the way, I am sitting in my cozy living room and the warm sun is warming my shoulders.  the sun also makes it look extra light outside as the sun reflects off of it.  

Mood:  I'm actually in a good mood as I'm digging out from the pile of work I'm under.  Today is kind of a slow day and I have a two hour meeting where I will be able to just listen and work on other tasks.  The Tarot Conference is also coming up on Saturday so I'm excited about that.  I also finished my homework and submitted it on time for my classes.

Weather:  It is 30 degrees and clear out and the sun is streaming through the window.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent

Sunrise/Sunset  7:39 am / 5:40 pm

I needed a reminder about creativity today and about finding that spark of inspiration.  I've been feeling so down and depressed lately with the snow, COVID, being trapped in the house and all the rest.  It feels like all of my energy goes to "practical" things, but I'm realizing that I need to make time to be creative.  I need to make time to paint (even if I do it badly), to write, to take photos of the snow, and to let creativity flow though me.  

I also need to remind myself that work is not creative.  Even though I may be playing with PowerPoint and putting my thoughts on paper, that is not true creativity.  That is enslaved creativity.  True creativity is when I do something for the pure joy of creating.  Crocheting counts as creativity, painting counts as creativity, writing for fun counts as creativity.  I may need to go back to scheduling artist's dates to be creative.

August 28, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Lighting the way, light in the darkness

Book: Brilliant sunrise, life, creative passion

Guidance:  Take action and follow your bliss


For me, the Ace of Wands is that divine spark of inspiration, that magical moment when an amazing thought comes to you out of nowhere and it creates magic.  It is the first time that humans realized they could make a torch by lighting fire from a lightening strike and there was portable light.  It's Ben Franklin discovering electricity.  It's all those times when an amazing thought come to people and they acted upon it to make reality. 

One of the things we all need to learn about that divine spark is that we need to nurture it, protect it and help it grow beyond the little flame at the end of a stick.  We need to work with others to help it grow and become something real.  Sometimes I think there is a potential to want to protect our little spark baby too much and not share it. When that happens, the spark might end up dying and not coming into fruition.  However, having too many people or the wrong people involved in nurturing  the spark can also be a bad thing as that can mean that the little spark gets smothered or that people with no creativity may put the spark out because they don't believe in it.  I know there have been times in my life when the little spark was doused because someone (usually John or Charlene) doused it and made me feel as if my dreams didn't matter or like they were unattainable. 

One of the best things about living the life I live now is that I own my dreams and I am responsible for whether or not they come true.  Additionally, I get to choose the people that I have in my life which means that I only choose people who nurture and support my dreams and don't bring people into my life who are going to smash my dreams.  And if they do attempt to smash my dreams, they get kicked out of my life.


I'm grateful that the presentations went well
I'm grateful for the opportunity to talk to John
I'm grateful for the safe drive home
I'm grateful for the opportunity to connect school and home
I'm grateful for getting to talk to my colleagues in person
I'm grateful the org impact session went well

July 31, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot


This card feels like a beacon telling me that my creativity does have value and that I need to nurture it and see where it will take me.  I've been working on more creative things lately like my tarot of change book, poetry, blogging, etc.  The problem is that I just feel so weak and tired all the time and have absolutely no energy.  Hopefully, the detox we are doing will help address that issue and I will start feeling better.

Inspiration for me can come from so many places as I get inspired by nature, I get inspired by learning new things, and I get inspired by thinking of all the good stuff that the world has to offer.  For me all of those things are tied together and when I am in a good space and have energy, I let my creativity roam and life is very good.

The Ace of Wands can also be about letting the fire burn and burn away that which no longer serves me.  It can be about choosing to let go of anger and pain and all that is holding me back.
I'm grateful for the yummy detox soup
I'm grateful for John's help
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for getting paid
I'm grateful for being able to pay my bills


June 1, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot


I love this card because it feels like the fire in my soul is being lit by all the fires of the universe.  For me it is a reminder to take inspiration from wherever I can find it.  Some days that inspiration will come from within my soul and other days it will come from those around me.  As I think about that spark of inspiration, I'm reminded of the importance of being vulnerable and being open to sharing with others.  When we are open with others and admit our weaknesses and strengths, we can feed off of one another and propel ourselves to greater things that any of us could become alone.

One of the things that I've found to be true in life is that drama really kills the creative spirit because it takes all of the inspiration and instead of feeding creativity, it feeds the drama and that is all that everyone thinks about and notices.  I've been working so hard lately to live a drama free life and to not let myself get all caught up in who said what and about who thinks what.  I used to be such a drama llama and I'm realizing that it was because I thought I was nothing unless everyone was noticing me so I would create or embrace drama because I got validation and people were paying attention to me.  However, since I've let go of the need to be the center of attention, my life is so much more peaceful.

Letting go of drama has also helped me to find time to be creative and to learn more about myself and the more I let go of the drama, the more time and energy that I have to feed my soul and to feed my creativity.  I have to really honest and say that John fed my drama queen attitudes because it was difficult to get attention from him unless we were fighting.  Drama became an addiction and when there was no drama, life felt drab and meaningless.  I've learned since that life without drama is really good because it lets me relax and have peace in my soul.

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