Monday, August 29, 2022

Seven of Wands

August 29, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as it shows a female standing in front of fire with a crow on her shoulder.  To me this card is very Morrigan-esque

Book:  I know what I stand for.  I know how to protect it.  I am fire

Guidance:   Step into your power


I love this reminder to step into my power, but there are times this is extremely difficult.  I feel that way right now as there is part of me that feels I am running away and not living in my power.  I am so unhappy and work and if I had to name one thing that was driving me away, I would honestly say the Evil M.  She is such a fucking know it all bitch and I can't stand her.  The Idiot B is actually second to her because I have to deal with her more often and she is just such a pushy bitch.  I could not believe that yesterday after I gave my announcement, she had to reclaim the attention.  She just cannot stand to not be the center of attention.  I don't know how to combat that, because actually her boss should shut her down.  I am starting to wonder if he doesn't shut her down because Asshole B. is the one that wanted to hire her.

I guess stepping into my power can also mean making the best decisions for me. 

Where I'm At:  I had to go into the office today and it sucked.  I didn't have the final confirmation on my new job yet so I had to sit there and pretend to be engaged.  I did turn in my resignation in the evening, but I hated sitting there all day and pretending.

Weather:  It was hot today.  I took the Bento beast to work and about died on the way home with no air conditioner

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 5%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:48 / 8:05


July 25, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Seven of Batons

First Impressions:  There is definately Christian symbolism in this card as the man is fighting with a seven headed snake and we all know snakes are generally representative of the goddess. The thing that is super strange about this card for me is that the man is naked.  I'm not sure what's up with that.

Book:  Best outcome by sustained effort, opposition defeated, valor, debate and negotiation, positive changes, knowledge

Guidance:   Prevail against all obstacles


From a modern perspective, this card speaks to me of multitasking and of having to continually juggle multiple tasks.  However, the older I get the more I realize that multitasking really isn't a time saver and that you lose focus when you multitask.  I know that when I work and watch TV, I generally only pick up the bare minimum of the plot.  What i am really starting to learn is that life is all sacred and we should treat it as such.  The more that we try to do and the thinner we are stretched, the less successful we are at anything.  Life as a whole should be treated with reverence and I don't think we do that.  I think we work to rush though life and get as much done as possible without savoring the opportunities that life gives us to be present.

I've also realized that deep seated gratitude and reverence cannot be rushed.  It is something that needs to be done slowly and with deep seated gratitude.  As I come to realize this, I am working to slow life down and really approach life in all its forms with reverence and gratitude.

Where I'm At:  It's just 8 am and I am sitting in the messy house with the dogs.  I spent a great 45 minutes upstairs meditating and saying prayers and I cam downstairs in such a peaceful mood.

Weather:  It's cool and wet outside.  It stormed overnight so the ground and cushions are still wet, which means the Great Wendini does not want to sit outside today.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 9%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:12/ 8:52 


 December 31, 2021

  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Defend what you believe in, stand up for what is right

Book:  Endurance, attack, fighting for beliefs, perserverance

Guidance:  Stand up for what you believe in and fight till the bitter end


What is missing in this card is that you have to know when to walk away.  Sometimes fighting till the bitter end only leaves you exhausted or harmed.  There are times when walking away is the right thing to do.  I know if I had read this card ten years ago, I would have jumped on the bandwagon that you always have to fight till the bitter end no matter wht the cause.  However, what I've learned is that sometimes you need to walk away to fight another day.

There are so many battles going on in our country right now and so many that I feel I cannot impact at all.  We are fighting social injustices that leave people of color dead, we are fighting against people who refuse to get indoctrinated, and we are fighting people who still think Trump won.  It is a dizzying and depressing maelstrom of anger and injustice and there are a lot of days when I just want to crawl into bed and put my head under the covers.

Maybe what John Henry is telling me  isn't to keep fighting, but keep persisting.  This could be a reminder to keep putting one foot in front of the other; to get up when staying in bed seems easier.  Maybe this is just a reminder that life is worth it and that I make the world better by my presence.  I honestly don't know, but I do know that there are a lot of days when the world seems so dark and black that getting up seems difficult.  

I'll continue to reflect on this card and maybe more wisdom will present itself.


August 16, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Fierce, defending what's yours

Book:  Marching to defend their land

Guidance:  Stand up for what you believe in


It felt like a day that I needed to defend what was mine.  I feel my vacation slipping through my fingers and there is a part of me that feels as if I will never truly have time for myself as everyone comes and keeps taking bits and pieces of my time.  It seems as if there is no way to defend my time as people keep taking bits and pieces of it and every bit of time that gets eroded seems to leave me a little bit less for me.  I worked really hard to make this week my week and to not get sucked into work, but people kept reaching out and asking for things.  The final straw for me was when Ted asked if we could meet on Saturday.  That felt like an incredible violation because I have very little time for myself and to have someone want to take that little bit of time away from me was pretty upsetting.

I was proud of myself for saying no and for being honest about how I felt.  It was really hard to be honest and to say that I felt ganged up on and disrespected, but I did.  I think part of the reason that I was able to do that is that I didn't really care if I lost my job.  I was so tired of all of it that it would have almost have been a relief to get fired.  I'm so tired trying to do all the work that keeps piling up and trying to juggle everything.  It seems like the only way I could get it all done is to work all night, but I refuse to do that because there are a lot of other things that are more important to me.

I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that I have to continue to defend my boundaries because if I don't defend them, no one else will.


I'm grateful we got home safely

I'm grateful for the beautiful drive through the mountains

I'm grateful that Charmin was happy to get the flowers

I'm grateful that I stood up for myself

I'm grateful for the hugs on the way out the door

I'm grateful for Cam keeping me awake


July 17, 2019

First Impressions:  Barrier, putting up your guard

Book:  Something makes your blood run hot, something you are passionate about,

Guidance:  Hold to your truth, no matter who or what tries to sway you, know the risks and recognize your limitations


This project makes my blood run hot as everyone is so rude and hateful.  It is as if the major thing is to complain about the client and act as if they are stupid.  When it actuality it is our consultants who are totally ignorant.  Most of them have never worked on the client side before and all they want to do is get through the workshops.  The project needs a total reset and the consultants need to be slapped.  I've totally checked out as I'm just ready to move on and do something meaningful.  This isn't meaningful and it is not really advancing my career.

However, I need to remind myself that this too shall pass.  I worked for Ahmed for a year and it was horrible, but I learned something and then I was ready to move on.  Now, I'm in a position to observe and see how this is screwed up.  The reality is that it comes from the top and as long as Tom is out of control, the entire project will remain out of control.  As long as he is all about being liked, nothing will change.  However, I just have to let go and know that there are other projects out there.

I also view this card as a reminder that other people's behavior is their responsibility and not mine.  I also have to remember to not take it personally and that if someone is a jerk, that is on them and not on me.


Feeling better
Good lunch with the team
Beautiful sunset
Kids are taking care of Wendy
April 12, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Protecting what I love

Book:  Opportunity to confront problems and obstacles

Guidance:  Holding on to what you believe, overcoming obstacles, choose confidence, be true to yourself

Affirmation:  I choose confidence


What a perfect message for today as I've been feeling down and out in the cold.  I have to continue to believe that what I do has value and continue to fight for it.  I'm not out in the cold, that's more of my breain telling me that then reality.

April 17, 2017 Revisit

I'm being given an incredible opportunity to learn and grow both at work and in my personal life and it is my responsiblity to make the most of the opportunity.  One of the lessons I'm learning is about faith.  I need to have faith that THEY are there for me and to trust THEM.

April 22, 2017

  Herbal tarot

First Impressions:  Maintain your defenses

Book: Confront your problems or obstacles, steadfastly hold on to what you believe

Guidance:  Summon strength as to what is truly important, be true to yourself, do not lose heart

Affirmation:  I have the capacity within me to rise to any challenge


I don't like thi card right now.  I'm tired of fighting to overcome obstacles.  It seems as if that is all I do.  And while I'm feeling the need to receive, this card is telling me to continue to maintain a fighting stance.  I'm so tired of being strong and brave.  I'm tired of feeling like I have to be all things to all people.  I'm just tired of carrying it all on my shoulders.

Dearest ones,

Please help me to drop my defenses and open my heart to love.  Help me to be able to receive love.  Please help me to accept the joy and love the world has to offer.  Please help me to receive.


April 28, 2017 Update
I have felt stripped bare this week.  I do believe things happen for a reason and that I am being guided.  I'm in a really low place right now.  I feel as if I am a hamster on a wheel and as if I am never getting off.  It feels as if no matter how hard I try, nothing works.  There was a quote on Criminal Minds about life only making sense backward and I'm beginning to believe that as there have been so many things I was upset about that turned out to be a blessing.  However, letting go and trusting is really hard for me.

December 17, 2016

Gilded Tarot
Pulled Reversed

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Letting go of the need to fight

Book:  Apathy, timidity, being defenseless or overpowered, relaxing your defenses, being overly defensive

Guidance: Relax, you have nothing to prove and no need to defend


This card does bring up the feelings of inadequacy my mother always brings out in me.  She just reduces me to a child, but I am starting to realize that this is all her bullshit and not mine.  The Facebook thing was her being greedy and selfish and thinking only of herself.

July 7, 2018 Update

I'm finally getting to the point that I just don't care about her bullshit.  I don't even know if the bitch is greedy and selfish or if she is just clueless.  As I think about growing up with her, I am starting to realize that she is just clueless.  She doesn't even realize the impact that her words have on others and she just blurts out the first thing that is in her head.  She has no filter and is literally incapable of thinking of anyone else's feelings.

I don't know if I will ever get to the point where she won't matter and I will have totally mitigated her influence, but It is getting easier and easier to let go of her influence.  Some days it is harder than others and I really have to work at reminding myself that her opinions don't matter and that all the negativity is her insecurities and not mine.  Other days it is not that hard at all.

Sunday, August 28, 2022

Queen of Swords

August 28, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Flower of Thunder

First Impressions:  I love this image of the powerful queen eagle with the thunder coming from her talons.  She is strong and beautiful

Book:  Sit with honesty and get a clear sense of what is right.

Guidance:   The natural state of my mind is clarity.  I soar with the wings of my true heart


I love this card and the sense of clarity and beauty it offers.  The thunder bolts are lighting up the sky and illuminating what needs to be illuminated.  If I look at this job situation from a 30K view, there is no real reason for me to relocate.  I need to have a PA address for tax purposes and that's really all.  I would never sue the company for falling down the stairs, etc. so there is no reason for that to matter.  And I will file taxes in PA so there is no reason for that to matter either.  Although on a micro level, it may matter.  In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't.

I love the sense of cutting through BS that this card gives me.

Where I'm At:  Sean and I drove over to Sharon to look at that house and were incredibly disappointed to find there was a huge lien on it for back taxes and there is no way that I could invest the money and make it work.  I'd have to invest 60K to make it work and the house would never be worth that.

Weather:  It was hot out today, but a beautiful warm and sunny day.  It was clear.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:47/ 8:07


July 31, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  She is wide eyed and strong.  Her gaze isn't steely, but she looks determined.  I get the impression that if called upon, she could defend what is hers

Book:  Widow, spiritual struggles

Guidance:   Take care of your own


This card is so beautiful and I pulled it in a spread not too long ago and the meaning is about someone that others go to for advice.  This is another indicator that I should go into coaching or another profession where I can help others and give them guidance.  At this point in my life, I'm not sure how to make that career switch.  However, I am thinking about teaching and that is a helping profession where I would be called upon to advise people.  I think I just need to continually put it out there and continually ask for guidance.

The thing about guidance is that when I make a concentrated effort to connect with my deities, the messages flow more freely. I have been working to make that connection by creating rituals for my deities and rituals to connect with my self.  I'm also thinking about purchasing a magick rosary to pray for my hearts desire.  I haven't made a decision yet, but it's on my mind.

Where I'm At:  I'm enjoying a quiet Sunday morning at home.  I got a good night's sleep last night and although I wouldn't say I am refreshed, I do have more energy than I normally do

Weather:  It's actually a really nice day outside.  It is not extremely hot and it isn't humid.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 7%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:18 / 8:46


June 23, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Romani, Sword, Doing Battle, Butterflies, Transformation

Book:  Determination, perseverance, independence

Guidance:  No one is going to help you more than yourself


This is hard for me because I do believe that we need to take care and help ourselves, but I also believe that we need to be willing to ask for help.  There are a lot of times I wonder if my life would have been different if I had been honest about what was going on in my marriage instead of insisting that I was able to handle it all myself.  Asking for help should not be viewed as a sign of weakness, but as a sign of strength.

However, that being said, I don't believe in bullshit chivalry.  I believe that we should do what we can to help ourselves, but that there are times when we need help from others, even if that help from others is in the form of guidance and advice.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today.  It's Cam's birthday and she is sad that Sean is working third shift and we can't figure out a time to have dinner together as a family.  I understand completely why she is upset as he spent all that time with John, but doesn't have time to spend with the people that actually love him and care for him.

Weather:  It's in the 70s out and it feels good, except if you sit right in the sun

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 27%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:05


May 5, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  the Morrigan, sovereignty, connected to the land, getting shit done

Book:  Devoted, power, truth, sincerity, strategy

Guidance:  Magical messengers speak simple truths


I love the message on this one because I tend to complicate the messages I receive and start making them way more complicated than they need to be.  I do need to get better at taking things at face value.  The other message I take away from this card is about the value of sincerity.  I spend a lot of time with people who are not sincere and who play games.  I'm tired of all the BS, the lies, and the garbage that happens at work.  I don't know what the solution is, but dealing with all the drama is getting so tiresome.

Where:  I started the day in Chicago and ended it at home.  It was a good day as we got a lot of things done at work.  I also took an hour to hang out at the Garfield Park Conservatory.  It was beautiful to walk through the gardens.  I also took time to walk the labyrinth.  I also scored a window seat on the way home instead of the middle seat I had booked.

Weather:  It was raining a little bit today, but not too awful

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 19

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:38 / 7:55


 April 15, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  The Morrigan, defending your territory, sovereignty

Book:  Devoted, power, truth, sincerity, strategy

Guidance:  Magical messengers speak simple truths


I need to think about sovereignty as I think I am giving my life away to the highest bidder.  I've become the wage slave that I've never wanted to be and it makes me sad.  I was always sad that my dad neve got to be the person that he wanted to be because he was busy supporting everyone else and now I've become that person.  I don't know how to get out of this trap so that I can live a life that matters to me.  I don't know how to break free of the money trap, but I am getting the message that I won't be happy until I have escaped.

Where: I'm at home today and sitting on the couch with the doggos

Weather:  It is beautiful and sunny out and it finally feels like spring.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 98%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:45 am / 8:07 pm


March 7, 2022 

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Contemplative, thinking about responsibilities 

Book:  Independent, wise counsel, communication, seeking truth, honesty

Guidance:   Tune out the low level drama


I love this card as she looks so strong and contemplative.  This is a reminder that women can lead and women can be strong. The other thing that is important about this card is that she is contemplating and taking time to go within to determine next steps.  Even though she is the queen of swords, she is not rushing into action.  I need to learn to do that, to just sit without having to rush in and save the day.  I hate wasting time and I hate things going awry so I always rush in to try to fix things, but sometimes I need to sit back and let people learn to fix their own stuff.

Where I'm At:  At home contemplating life and how my life can be so good and going so well while the world burns around us

Weather: It is rainy and cold outside

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 23%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:51 am / 6:24 pm


November 12, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Going into battle, shields up

Book:  Warrior for truth and justice, bravery

Guidance:  Make decisions with clarity and focus


One of the lessons I've learned over the past 30 years is that being a parent is truly being a warrior.  Cam is struggling right now with the trial coming up and although I'm struggling as well, I need to put my shields up and be strong for her.  I need to protect her and take care of her and be a warrior to make sure she gets treated fairly and she gets what she needs.  That isn't easy because there is a part of me that wants to break down and cry with sadness over the situation and there is a part of me that wants to march into battle and take down whoever hurt my child.  I want to go all mama bear and slay any beast that hurts my child.  However, I cannot fully protect her from going to trial, she is going to have to stand up on that witness stand and speak her truth.  She is going to have to be brave and strong and stare down the person that did this to her.

And while I am happy to be her knight in shining armor and go into battle for her, there is a part of me that wishes I had someone standing in my corner who was willing and capable of being my knight in shining armor.  I wish that I had someone to rely on who was there to slay my dragons.  I know that I'm capable of slaying my own dragons, but there are days it would be really nice to have someone to slay them for me.  Sometimes I think that I have my shields up all the time and that I not only keep away the bad guys, I also keep away the people that I would like to have in my life.  I'm realizing that I don't know how to put down my shields and be at peace.

I think I need to figure out how to do that.


I'm grateful for getting home safely
I'm grateful for the beautiful drive to Kent
I'm grateful that Cam is doing Ok
I'm grateful for the good meeting with Davey Tree
I'm grateful for the good skype with Ted
November 5, 2016


First Impressions:  

Book:  Cutting through illusion, intensity, perceptive, quick, confident, bearing our own sorrows, reads people



This is one of my favorite quotes:  "This is a woman who became the way she is today, of her daunting status, because at one point early in her life she was vulnerable and insecure about her self worth.  What a perfect card to pull today.  This really sums up who I am and what I've been through.  I finally feel worthy of love and all the good stuff that life has to offer.  I'm also secure in who I am.  I have my moments and I'm not thrilled with my body, but in general, I like who I am.

May 27, 2018

As I look back over the past couple of years when I have been diligent about journaling every day, I'm seeing the changes in who I am and how I perceive myself.  I am strong enough to recognize my flaws, but also loving enough to accept who I am.  Some days it is hard for me and there are days when I still beat myself up, but overall I am in awe of who I am.  I am stronger, but also kinder than I have ever been at any time in my life and I realize that a lot of my strength is about being strong enough to walk away from my mother. 

That took so much strength.  It is acceptable in our society to walk away from a husband or from friends, but the world judges people who walk away from their parents.  It is as if we are supposed to accept any amount of garbage from our parents.  We're supposed to be strong and capable and get rid of energy vampires, unless they happen to be parents, then we are supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I call bullshit.

October 10, 2016

Queen of Swords
Hanson Roberts
Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  She has sapphires in her crown and there is a ruby in her sword.  Like the King, she has personalized her sword and, like the King, the same X of light is hitting her sword.  The skin on her arms appears gray.  My first impressions of this card reversed are of defeat and expressing emotions (lack of emotional control?)

Book: Be kinder.  Be slower to form opinions.  Sorry may have hardened your heart.  Hell bent on vengeance. Holding grudges.

Guidance:  Breathe.  Trust it will all work out.  Do not take things so seriously.  Draw wisdom rather than bitterness.


I need to let go of my anger toward Meg  She is doing her job as she sees fit and it isn't personal.  She's not trying to screw me or hurt me.  She is just trying to satisfy the client.

However, I always have choices and I can choose to find another job.  I can also choose to make sure that Gateway is clear about what the deliverables are done.  I can't come out and say you don't need me, but I can help them draw their own conclusions.

December 22, 2017

Interesting as I read this more than a year removed from the situation and I don't even remember what the details of this seemingly traumatic event were.  I gather from reading this that Meg wanted to extend me and I wanted to leave.  At the end of the day, none of this mattered as the client ended up ending the project on short notice in February and I ended up leaving itellignece for NTT.  And oddly enough, Meg ended up losing her job anyway.

I love reading journals from years past as it is a good reminder that all the shit that I think is so important, really isn't.  It is also a reminder that all the shit I'm going through right now, probably won't matter in a year or so.  

Friday, August 26, 2022

Hanged Man

 August 26, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  The Hanging One

First Impressions:  I love the full frontal nudity on the card as it is so open and free,  And this card gives the impression of fun and not so serious.  It is clear the girl is having fun on her swing.

Book:  Get comfortable with giving up control.  Sometimes the answer is to stop.

Guidance:   I release and surrender.  I deserve ease,.  I trust that rest nourishes growth


Releasing and surrendering is so hard for me.  I am really a control freak and the thought of letting go and trusting is difficult.  I know there is nothing else I can do about my drug screen or my background check, but there is part of me that feels that I should be able to control what happens.  However, I can't.  I just have to let go and trust.

Deep inside I know that everything will work out okay.  I might not have all the answers, but I do know that it will work out.  I've always had my needs taken care of and the secret has always been trust and surrender.  Surrendering is hard, but I know it is the right thing to do.

Where I'm At:  I'm sitting at the Hyatt Regency in Buffalo, NY.  I had my passport appointment at 8 am this morning and will pick up my passport at 2.  Then I will head back home.

Weather:  It rained overnight, but it is beautiful out now

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:45 / 8:10


 July 15, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Meditation

First Impressions:  I love this card as there is a calmness and peacefulness that is missing from the Hanged Man.  While the Hanged Man looks like he is being tortured, this card portrays a woman who is calm and very peaceful.

Book:  Patience, receptivity, surrender, release

Guidance:   Allow multiple things to coexist and ride their course before making a decision


I love this card as it is so peaceful and such a good reminder to just surrender to what is.  Right now, I have to surrender to the shitty situation at work and just accept it for what it is, because I cannot just do what I want to do and tell them they are bloody Assholes and walk out.  However, I can start laying the groundwork for what's next.  The situation with the Evil M has helped to realize that I really need a No Assholes rule in my life.  I think it is unrealistic to have a no assholes at work policy because there will always be assholes at work.  However, I can have a no working for assholes policy because the bosshole is the biggest risk.  They treat you unfairly, they write you up, and they generally make your life miserable.  I will not work for the Evil M.

The other thing I was thinking about as I drove around KC today was that there is no glory in subjugating yourself to a bad situation.  There are going to be times where you have to deal with it for a little while, but there is no glory in staying for a long period of time.  There is no glory in being a martyr.  My thoughts are that once I have encountered an asshole and learned what I need to learn, it is time to move on.  I learned from J at itelli that grown ass adults should not be micromanaged.  And you should not condescend to people.  If there is a problem with people, you address it, but you should not just assume people are going to screw up.  And I've learned from the Evil M to stay in my lane and that no one wants to listen to a monologue.  She is so disrespectful about that as she thinks everyone wants to hear all her drivel.  My view of the world is that we should give people enough to understand and if they want more info, they can come back and ask questions.

For now, I am surrendering to where I'm at, but I am going to keep looking and I'm going to find a job that works for me.

Where I'm At:  I started the day off in Trenton and it was the third night of getting crappy sleep.  The bed was comfortable, but there was no way to stop light from coming in the windows.  I should have taken a sleep mask with me, but I didn't even think of it.  Our morning session at the plant was good and Tyson said the team really liked working with us.  That made me feel good.  I went to an awesome Botanica in KC and bought a voodoo doll and an oracle deck.  Both my flights were delayed, but after an extra hour in KC and an extra hour in Chicago, I finally got home.

Weather:  It was hotter than hell in MO.  The temperature hit 98 with a real feel of 106.  I have no flipping clue how people live in temperatures like that I struggled with getting out of the car.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 95%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 am / 8:44 pm


May 1, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Changing seasons, monarchs, change is coming, let go to what is

Book:  Surrender, sacrifice, restraint, transformation, new perspective, enlightenment

Guidance: The discomfort is in wearing a false mask


I need to surrender to what is and just let go of expectations.  And sometimes that surrender means that I can change something, but choose not to.  Maybe surrender is about surrendering to the choices we've made.  I'm choosing to stay at the bird for another year to get a payout.  That is a choice and whenever I get annoyed by my choice, i can take a step back and remind myself that this is a choice and there is value in that  choice.  And if I decide there is no longer value in that choice, I can make a different choice.

I also love the reading of "the discomfort is in wearing a false mask."  And that is so true.  Pretending to like the Evil M is not working.  I need to set clear boundaries with her and be clear that I will not put up with her garbage.  

Where:  I'm at home today and I finished my last assignment for the semester.  I am also starting to feel a little better.  I realized that part of why I was struggling is that the training thing from work really triggered me.  It dredged up a lot of painful and scary memories.  

Weather:  It is a little chilly out, but it has been nice.

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:19 / 8:26


February 28, 2022

Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Different perspective, grasping for things one cannot achieve, looking into the light

Book:  Surrendering to the will of the cosmos, a deliberate pause, letting go, acceptance, re-aligning with your heart and purpose

Guidance:   Push beyond your current boundaries


This is a card I needed to pull today.  Surrender to the will of the cosmos.  I always want to control the outcomes and know the next step, but maybe I just need to surrender my need to know and just continue to do the next right thing.  The next right thing is to put out there what I want and need and to surrender to what comes.  Maybe I just need to accept that my current job is just  job.  I don't need to be passionate about it.  I don't even need to like it a whole lot.  I just need to focus on what I can control.  I need to quit thinking beyond the actual work.

Eventually, things will change as long as I am focusing on what needs to be done and keeping myself open to opportunities.  It may be that this job is a good place to be because I can do the stupid work and spend my own time on what matters to me.

Where I'm At: I'm sitting at home this week about to watch one of the three shows I watch this week.  The house is calm and live is good.

Weather: It's actually nice outside.  It's not too cold

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 6%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:02 am / 6:16 pm


May 2, 2020

Pulling Burdock (The Hanged One) from The Herbcrafter's Tarot really hit home with me as we have a burdock invasion in our backyard and it seems that nothing we do gets rid of them.  We have tried digging them out, we have tried vinegar, and we've tried other gentle methods.  The only thing we haven't tried is poison as I refuse to poison the environment.  This card is asking me to take another look at the burdock and, by extension, other areas in my life where I am frustrated and feeling adversarial.  Maybe there is another way of looking at situations.

As I read deeper into the wisdom from the card, I'm advised that "challenge presents and opportunity for growth."  One possible way to get rid of the burdock is to use its leaves as mulch to help provide nutrients for the soil as burdock may be an indication that the soil is poor.  That's interesting as I was just thinking about composting and we could compost some of the burdock to improve the soil.  Latisha Guthrie also advises that healing the land or the body is a long term process and I need to accept that deep change takes time and be willing to do the work.

Burdock is also an ally for the liver as it helps to clear and release toxins and my diabetes is acting up again which means that both my pancreas and liver are out of wack.  It may be time to make friends with the burdock and use its wisdom.

Discovering Truth from the Sacred Traveler Oracle Cards is all about living an authentic life and living my own truth.  Sometimes that's hard for me as I think it is for a lot of other women as we have been conditioned to always make others comfortable while ignoring and downplaying our own discomfort.  This card tells me that I need to be honest about who I am and what's going on in my life, even when it is difficult.

Wow!  These were some amazing cards and I'm seeing revelations opening up in my own life about how tenacity can be a good thing and a bad thing about about the importance of boundaries.

September 27, 2019

Note:  This and the next few cards include a mixture of messages from the Tarot de St. Croix and Dark Goddess Tarot as I'm working through messages from this month.

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Heart chakra, halo, finding balance

Book:  Do something to gain a new perspective, travel into the subconscious

Dark Goddess Tarot:  What has been lost lives in hidden places

Guidance:  Look at life from a different perspective, surrender to what is

Guidance from the Dark Goddess Tarot:  Surrender to the inexorable forces of time, get in touch with your intuition, look at symbols, look at things from a different point of view

Dark Goddess Tarot

Tiamet was the Goddess of the Month and in the Dark Goddess Tarot she is the Hanged One.  As I pulled cards for this month, I was struck by a sense of dread and dislike.  It made me want to throw my tarot cards out the window as the messages of the cards I pulled were deep and scary and there was so much truth that I wanted to hide and ignore the messages that I was being given.  Before plunging into the reading, I needed to journal on the Goddess of the Month and on the need to surrender.  Surrender is not something that I'm comfortable with as I often equate surrender  with giving up and giving up is not something I like to do.  In the past, I've fought to the death to avoid surrendering, even if surrender was the smart thing to do. 

However, over the last few years I've learned that surrendering to circumstances or surrendering to the gods is different than surrendering to a person.  In my family of origin, surrender was viewed as weakness and if you surrendered you were likely to be humiliated and abused.  That lessen carried over into my marriage as we did not fight in a healthy manner instead it was escalate and humiliate until one person became submissive.  There was no discussion or working things out and surrendering meant degradation.  I still get trapped in that mindset sometimes and I struggle with surrendering to circumstances or other people as I am terrified of other people having dominion over me and to me surrender means giving someone dominion.

One of the things I have been learning to do, although I am far from perfect at it, is realizing that surrendering to circumstances is different than surrendering to people.  When I surrender to circumstances, I am accepting what is and moving forward from a basis in reality instead of what I want to happen.  When I can surrender and accept the world as it is instead of trying to bend the world to meet my happy version of reality, I'm in a much better place.

I'm grateful for the good meetings with my client
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather on the drive home
I'm grateful for the Casey's pizza
I'm grateful for getting home in time for Blue Bloods
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy

August 8, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Darkness, clarity, comfortable

Book:  Seeing things in a new way, finding clarity

Guidance:  Travel into the unconscious


Driving in the daytime is about seeing the sites, about looking at the scenery, about being in the world.  Traveling at night is about being comfortable in the darkness.  It's about knowing that there is a great big world out there that you cannot see.  Depending on the phase of the moon, you may see outlines of mountains or complete darkness.  Driving in the dark means being comfortable with the unknown.  It means relying on all of our senses and not just our eyesight to navigate.

Going within and navigating the terrain of our soul also means letting go of all that we know and surrendering to something greater than ourselves.  It means letting go of who we are in the light and in the outside world and embracing our soul selves.  It means letting go of work, of family, and being comfortable being alone with ourselves.  I was never comfortable with the darkness and venturing into my soul.  Before my divorce, I was filled with shame at who I was.  Shame about my body, shame about my life, shame about everything I was.

However, the last eight years have been about finding myself and embracing who I truly am.  I've discovered that I truly have a beautiful and luminous soul.  I'm not perfect, but deep down I am an amazing person.  And once I've been able to let go of most of the shame, I'm found that I am a pretty fucking amazing person.  I'm finally comfortable navigating in the dark.


I'm grateful for the beautiful drive home
I'm grateful for the trip down LSD
I'm grateful for my convertible
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for being mostly done with my work

June 28, 2019

  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Isa, making choices, different perspective

Book: Suspended between the worlds, visionary, shaman, some element of your life is on hold,

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be suspended for a while, be willing to give up something that no longer serves you


This is a card that I've never really meditated on before as it is a card of inaction and calls for patience.  It reminds me of all the times that Scott pulled the Isa rune for me and told me that patience was required.  I was going to be stuck for a while and I just needed to embrace the stillness.  I'm realizing that part of the reason that I struggled to embrace the stillness was because I was afraid of what I would find there.  I was afraid of finding all my ugliness and all the things I was ashamed of.  Being active, kept the shame at bay and I did not have to confront all the hate and ugliness that had been heaped on me by others and myself.  I did not have to confront being groped in math class and made to feel as if I was nothing for complaining.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of being bullied.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of the shame heaped on me by my mother.  I did not have to confront the abuse by my husband.  I did not have to confront each of those incidents that bit by bit stole my soul.  By keeping busy and active, I could convince myself that I was worthy by contributing.  If I allowed myself to stop, I would be mired in the shame and the uncalled for guilt of not being busy taking care of others.

My divorce plunged me into the darkness as my ex made it clear that I had outlived my usefulness to him and as such I had no purpose left in life.  I was not good enough or worthy enough to stand on my own.  The lesson I had learned from my mother and that was reinforced by my ex, that my worth came from giving to others and that if I had nothing left to give, I was worthless.  I was not worthy of nice things.  I was not worthy of taking care of myself.  I was not worthy of any of those things.  I met Erishkigal when I plunged into the darkness and she taught me compassion.  She taught me that I deserved compassion from others and from myself.  I learned that compassion can transform lives.  Initially, I relied on compassion from others and I still did not feel that I was worthy of such love and compassion.  However, as I grew more comfortable in the dark, I realized that I was worth of compassion and eventually I have begun to see that I am also worthy of love.

All the Hanged Man asks us to do is to be willing to be suspended and to let the thoughts and feelings come.  He asks us to choose not to run from them and to be willing to let go of beliefs and feelings that are no longer serving us.  We don't have to give them up just yet, we just have to be willing to consider maybe possibly letting go. 

January 9, 2022 Revisit

I feel incredible sadness for the little girl I once was as I read this.  However, I also know that I am a product of my times and that sexual abuse of children in schools happened and continues to happen.  We continue to live in a "boys will be boys" environment where boys are allowed to abuse girls with no consequences.  I know I complained and nothing  happened.  However, I realize now that nothing happening was not about me, but was about the people who chose to do nothing.  Even though it was the 1970s and 1980s, there was still a belief that boys mattered more than girls.  I hope all of those people who let this happen rot in hell.

May 29, 2019

  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  New perspective, looking at things from someone else's point of view

Book:  Suspended between the worlds, linking heaven and earth, some element of your life is on hold, being vulnerable and questioning

Guidance:  Be willing to give up some belief that no longer serves you


I've learned that when I am stressed out and nothing seems to be going my way, I "other" people.  I take exception with the way that other people choose to live, how they choose to behave, and generally who they are.  I've learned that when the words "they should..." or "they shouldn't..." go through my mind, I need to top and take a pause to figure out what's bothering me.  This is especially true when the things that are bothering me are really benign such as someone talking to loudly in the nature center or someone sitting where I want to sit.  Granted, it is kind of rude to talk at the top of your lungs in a nature center, but it is also not the worst offense in the world.  And the person who sat in the chair that I wanted to sit in was just as entitled to sit in the chair as I was.  Once I pull myself back and remember that the world does not revolve around me, I quit "othering."

My personality runs to extremes and if I am not "othering" other people, I am looking at things from everyone else's perspective and ignoring my own needs.  I was raised by a mother who put everyone else's needs above hers and who expected me to do the same.  My maternal grandmother had an undiagnosed mental illness and she was someone who could never be satisfied.  She looked the other way when my mother's brother abused her, she gave away my mother's wedding gifts to the same brother, and she treated my brother and I like second class citizens.  However, despite all of this, my mother was at her beck and call and would drop everything to take care of her.  My father enabled my mother's acceptance of my grandmother's bad behavior as he preached respect your elders so I learned that your elders were to be respected at all costs.

I vowed to myself that I would never let people mistreat me because they were elders to be respected and with people outside of my family, I did a good job of standing up for myself and demanding respect.  However, I let my mother mistreat me without calling her on it and I married a man who began mistreating me from shortly after we said I do.  Since I had been raised to believe that unconditional love meant accepting whatever behavior someone dished out, I twisted myself into knots trying to make him happy even though at my heart I knew that someone else's happiness was not my responsibility.  As the years wore on, I became angry and bitter and ultimately he ended up leaving me.  At first I was devastated, but I've come to realize that his leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm happier than I've ever been.

As I reflect upon the hanged man, I realize that I need to give up my black or white thinking.  Most likely I am not always right, but the other person is not always right either.  The truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

December 24, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  The Hanged One

First Impressions:  I love this card because not only is she hanging upside down in water, her limbs are all akimbo and I'm not sure exactly how she is staying together in the water.  The Hanged One (man) is always about changing my perspective and looking at things from a different point of view.

Book:  What has been, what lives in hidden places, Goddess of the Mother, of the gods, Mother of All, existence killed by her own young.

Guidance:  Surrender, but remember who you are; trust your intuition and be open to it, look at things from a different point of view.


Surrender is such a foreign concept to me.  I've always been someone who fights to the bloody, brutal end so the thought of surrendering and letting go always seems to me like giving up.  However, past experience has taught me that when I do truly surrender to deity, amazing things happen.  It is hard though because I always want to snatch back control.

Dearest Ones,

Help me to trust you enough to let go.  Let me trust that I a being led and that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to work out.  Let me trust you have my best intentions at heart.

January 1, 2018 Revisit

I'm still getting used to writing 2018!  One thing I have learned in my life is that life does move on and that surrendering means that I don't have to control everything.  Over the past few years, my definition of surrendering has evolved from giving up total control and sitting there passively to trusting that I will be led and doing the work I need to do.  It's kind of like managing a project, I cannot control how every consultant spends every minute of their day so I need to set the structure and trust them to do what they're supposed to do. 

Trust is as difficult of a concept for me as surrender so sitting back and not micromanaging is hard for me.  However, when I do sit back and trust others, things work out amazingly well. 

April 17, 2017

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Different perspective

Book:  Tree of life, define wisdom, spiritual transformation

Guidance:  Personal sacrifice, being future rewards, let go of clutter, surrender


This card is actually about sacrifice.  I'm doing what needs to be done to  move forward, but I'm paying a huge price for it.  The fact of the matter is that I'm tired of sacrificing myself for others.  I'm tired of accommodating needy clients and I jut don't know how to change it.

January 2, 2018

I think the key is to draw clear boundaries about what is and what isn't my responsiblity and to learn to say no without worrying about what other people think.  There are times when we do need to give our all and go the extra mile, but that is not every time the client asks us too.  Sometimes they just need to learn that no means no.  I've also learned to escalate and ask for help when I need it.  Those are not perfect solutions, but they are really helping me to have more peace of mind.
December 22, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck in one mode, unable to consider different points of view

Book;  Being too self righteous, false spirituality, too preoccupied with material issues, not sharing wisdom and grace, an end to a trying time

Guidance:  Show wisdom and grace to others, take back your power


This card is hitting me today as the word's wisdom and grace are jumping out at me.  I also need to show wisdom and grace to myself.  I beat myself up for my thoughts instead of just letting go and releasing them.  My thoughts are my thoughts.  It is only when I dwell on them that they cause me problems.  I need to just let them go.  I need to go back to doing a good box this year as that has truly helped.

This card is incredibly deep and I don't know whether to read it as taking back my power or offering forgiveness and grace.  Maybe it is truly both because offering grace is a way of claiming my own power.  I'm no longer in a place where others have power over me  This is a lot of where I'm at with X.  I have given him so much power over me for so long that it feels weird to be taking back my power and my need for him.  I'm also just discovered this amazing book called Change Me Prayers and I'm realizing that I need to surrender my need for control.  I've started praying for the one who is right for me to come into my life and that is a little uncomfortable because I'm used to driving and choosing.  But I need to sit back and surrender is driving me crazy.

July 8, 2018 Revisit

The theme of surrender has been coming up again and again for me.  It is also something that I truly struggle with as I love to be in control  Cam and I were talking today about how it is easier to surrender when you are in a plane because there is truly nothing I can do to change what happens.  It is harder to surrender everyday life when I think that I should be able to change things.  However, there are so many things in life that I cannot change and I cannot even influence. 

I've actually put up an Isis altar and I'm going to work on surrendering things to her and imaging her taking things in her loving arms.

November 26, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Seeing things from a different perspective

Book:  Coming through a challenging experience, peace, willing to sacrifice society's approval to be true to yourself

Guidance:  Be true to yourself


The message I'm getting is to truly stop and see things from my perspective instead of constantly looking at things from her (Charlene's) perspective or someone else's perspective.  There is a time and place for mercy, but in order for there to be mercy, the other person has to be repentant. They have to acknowledge their sins.  Charlene has never done that and she has continually pulled the I'm your mother card.  She hurt me and she hurt the kids and yes she had a horrible childhood and was damaged by her mother, but she has perpetuated the pain.  She knew that her mother gave me cheap crap and was hurtful, but she put me in the position of seeing her over and over and over again.  She never once said that my kids matter and I'm not going to continually put them in a position to be hurt.  Not only that, she knew that it was rotten to have your stuff given away and that it hurt, but she did it to Cam.  She didn't want Mike's kid to feel bed so she gave away Cam's shoes.  I wish I would have known because I would have blasted her to hell and back and she never would have seen the kids again.

In some ways she is like a convict or wife beater who doesn't see that their behavior is wrong or that it hurts other people.  She is in denial and a big part of that is because no one has ever called her on her bullshit before.  People just let her continue to get away with it.  After Tony got divorced and she was abusing him by continually telling him he needed to find someone.  No one told her to stop after she said hurtful things.  No one told her that she was being a bitch.  I'm saying no more.  She may not stop and she may not acknowledge her behavior, but I will have stopped the cycle by standing up to her and making sure she knows that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not let her hurt the kids or me again. 

I do not owe her anything.  I'm taking care of my kids and helping them overcome the results of her abuse.  that is where my energy needs to go and not back into helping her.  There is a part of me that says by breaking off contact in a letter that it isn't fair because I'm not letting her have  a say, but the last time I tried to let her have a say, it failed.  She just blabbed on and on about me coming to visit her and that she could come and pick me up, etc. ,etc.  She treated me as if I was dirt poor and that I wasn't coming to see her because I could not afford it.  Her ego could not accept that I did not want to come and see her.  She refused to acknowledge and accept that I'm an adult who is making decisions in my own best interest. 

In some ways this is like when Cam was manic and kept asking to go and smoke.  We would keep telling her no and she would keep saying she understood, but would go right back to asking to smoke.  This is what my mother's behavior is like.  She says she understands, but she really doesn't listen.  She cannot comprehend that she did anything wrong.  Instead she just goes into the I'm the mother and I know best routine.  It isn't true and I know it, but she can't see it.  I have to step back and not let myself get sucked into her crazy.  I know there are people who think that I'm a horrible person for "doing this to her" and hurting my poor sick  mother, but there are also people who think that murderers can be redeemed.  No one can be redeemed until they take personal responsibility.  She may not get it in this lifetime and she may not realize how she has hurt me and the kids, but maybe she will get it in a future lifetime.

When she messaged me on my birthday by posting totally inappropriate crap on a post I had made, I gave her the opportunity to listen and understand my point of view, but she fell right back into her passive aggressive bullshit and telling me that she "supported my lifestyle."  You mean the one where I bust my ass to support myself and the kids?  The one where I've bought a house and taken care of myself?  Not sure which lifestyle she was referring to.  She does not comprehend that she might be the cause of this situation. 

There are days when I feel that I should be kind to her because I would feel horrible if the kids walked away from me, but I have to remind myself that these are two very different situations.  I treat my kids like adults and acknowledge when I've screwed up.  She treats me like I'm a child who doesn't know her own mind.

I am so proud that I have managed to break out of the cycle and create an environment of respect and civility.

July 6, 2019 Revisit

Wow!  That was pretty deep and intense stuff.  However, there is so much growth in that post because I actually stood up for myself and standing up for myself doesn't always happen.

January 9, 2022 Revisit

As I learn more, I am realizing that trauma truly is generational and even though my children have mostly escaped and that my actions stopped them from being exposed to more trauma, they will still suffer from what my mother went through and I went through.  There is nothing I can do about that, but I can create a better environment and I can say "not on my watch."

September 30, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  This Hanged Man is hanging from a beam instead of a treat.  He is surrounded by mistletoe and his eyes are wide open.  There is a glow around his head as it seems he has found inner peace.  This card speaks to me of surrender, contemplation, and approaching things from a different point of view.

Book:  Reversal of values, patience, surrender, sacrifice, peace, freedom comes from commitment, non-resistance, new perspective.

Guidance:  Let go of your striving, surrender, love yourself, trust yourself.


Today was all about Isa and this card was perfect as I believe that the Hanged Man is the tarot version of Isa.  I need to just let go and surrender.  There are things I can do nothing about and the best course of action is to let go and quit struggling.  It will all fall into place.

December 23, 2017 Revisit

I am getting so much better at just surrendering and waiting.  It is still a very uncomfortable place for me, but I am better at actually executing.  I am someone who always wants to fix, manage, and control (thank you Al Anon for teaching me that) and sometimes there are things I cannot fix, manage, and control and I have to let go and see how it all plays out.

The shakeup at work has me a little worried, but there is nothing I can do to change what is happening.  My guides are telling me to trust and that it will all work out so that's what I'm going to do.  I know that I could start frantically looking for a new job, but that's not what I want to do.  I want to stay here and to build something and my guides are telling me that this is where I belong so I'm going to stay for now.

May 27, 2016

  Gaian Tarot

Card:  The Tree, pulled reversed

Book:  Ego refuses to surrender, chooses to be mored in an unwinnable situation.  Blocks and hangups may be frustrating.  Lessons are ignored, denial, patience is called for


It is very interesting that I drew this card today as I drew it yesterday when I asked about the job at IMG.  This is a card of surrender.  It is about getting out of the universe's way and letting the magick work.  This card is telling me I can be too rigid and that I need to let go of my need to control.

Stillness and reflection.  This time clears a space so I can experience how the universe acts for my highest good. T his card is akin to Isa.  I'm being directed to be patient and let things flow.  That's hard to do right now because I am in limbo and that's a tough spot.  However, I got a great review and am getting promoted so I have to trust.  I have to trust the universe that this will all work out for my greater good.  

It's funny because one of the things I was thinking about the other day was about wanting time to heal and to work through things.  Oddly, I've been given time to work on myself and to work through some of the remnents of grief and sadness in my life.  I'm at a crossroads right now.  I'm at a place of letting go of a treasured dream and needing to let go of X hurts a lot.  Even though my intelect knows we would not be good together, my heart still wants for it to work out. The good thing is that I have realized that our not being together is not about me being fundamentally unlovable.  he does love me, I know that in my bones, but he is too honorable to step away from the person he is with.  He just keeps taking her abuse over and over because he feels that is what he is supposed to do.  He sees it as making a sacrifice.  In many ways, he is the hanged man as he is trapped in an uncomfortable position, but he holds the key and could walk away at any time.  I think that is another lesson of the hanged man, we are co-creators of our own reality and there are some situations that we create and then believe we are stuck in.

Pulling this card is also about looking at our situations and determining whether we are keeping ourselves stuck.  I know with X that I kept myself stuck.  I was stubborn and refused to let go. However, in all fairness to me, I was also hurting and could not see how he could love me and not be with me.  I finally realized that he does love me and that I am not unlovable.  This choosing not to be with me is not about me being unloveabl or unworthy of love.  I am worthy of love and happiness.

Apparently, I decided to pull a second card from an oracle deck and pulled the Camel from the Spirit Guides Deck.

Message:  Trust that you have the resources to get through the challenges before you.


Interestingly, I pulled a spirit guides card and received the camel.  One of the lines I love from the book is "cast away your fears, doubts, and hesitations whenever they arise, leaving the wounds open to the sun to be burned away.  Ease your heart and mind and know that you are protected at all times."

I love that so much.  I am protected and watched over.  I just have to do my part and trust them to do theirs.  Right now my part is to keep working on work and on my Midwives of Change stuff and do my love spell.

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