King of Swords

January 21, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Journaling:

This is an appropriate card for me today as I'm feeling super defensive and attacked.  It feels as if the terrible twosome gets to be as horrible as possible, but anytime I say anything nasty about them, I'm the bad guy.  However, at the end of the day I just got a good review and I always deliver so those two can just suck it.  I know that the boy is just a worthless little twit who thinks he knows more than he does and the girl just wants to impress people with how wonderful she is when really she is an idiot.

What I need to remember is that their being idiots is about them and not about me.  If my boss is so weak willed that he listens to those two idiots, then that isn't someone that I want to work for and I will find another job as soon as I am vested in my retirement.  I've switched jobs before so I can switch jobs again, I just have to let it go and just focus on doing my work and not on all the drama.

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December 29, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Wisdom, punishment guided by wisdom, overseeing, strength

Book: Symbol for patience, perserverance, and judgement

Guidance:  Loyalty, unwavering devotion, connection between heaven and earth

Journaling:

Griffins are guardians of rivers of gold and exhibit both wisdom and strength.  This card is telling me to guard what is mine, but to use wisdom to do so.  A griffin would have the wisdom to know if someone was truly a threat or not and I need to exhibit the same wisdom.  This is an interesting reading for me because there are times when I do not truly use wisdom to determine if I am being threatened.  In those instances, I go on the offensive and make sure someone knows not to mess with me, even if there is no real threat.

I've been doing that a lot at work as there is someone I view as a threat and I need to be incredibly defensive about everything she says and I am probably a lot meaner than I need to be.  This is one of those instances where I am competing instead of collaborating.  In my defense, I do have a broader range of experience than she does and she does a hell of a lot of annoying things (like not taking no for an answer), but I should take a step back and breathe before going on the attack.

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August 27, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Arthur, decisions, journeys

Book: Power and authority from divine right

Guidance:  Cut though confusion by speaking the truth in a firm and fair way.  Stand in the power of your divine right to follow your own mind.

Journaling:

I love the messaging around this as it is so through that being direct and speaking clearly without emotion really helps to cut through the BS.  I have a client who gets into blaming us and trying to make us responsible for all their shortcomings.  I have learned that I just need to pull my energy in and be very direct about what needs to be done.  There is no room for emotion and for taking things personally.  I have learned that when I take things personally and make it all about me, things generally go better than when I am able to take the emotion out of it and focus on the facts.  The other lesson I learned from Ted is that instead of saying "you made me feel..." something I should just focus on I feel.  As he said, there is no arguing with my feelings as people cannot tell me that I don't feel something and it is also difficult to discount facts.  When I can approach things that way, I'm able to have much more productive conversations.

Sometimes it is really hard to open up and to own my feelings, but when I am able to have these hard conversations and admit how I am really feeling, my life is so much better.  I'm learning that sometimes just saying what I am feeling helps me to work through the feelings.  I realize that it is odd to be writing about feelings when writing about the King of Swords, but the message I cam getting is that the King of Swords can help us cut away that veil that prevents us from seeing and feeling our own feelings.  We get so caught up in being afraid of our feelings or thinking that our feelings are not socially acceptable, that we hide them or stuff them down in a desperate attempt to not feel.  However, when we can use the King of Swords to cut away the veil and let them out, we can speak our truth with clarity.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful that for the yummy Greek potatoes

I'm grateful I got to leave work in a timely manner

I'm grateful that the weather was clear

I'm grateful for the yummy hot fudge sundae

I'm grateful for the warm and snuggly bed

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July 10, 2018

Deck:  Rider-Waite

First Impressions:  Drive, taking action, communication

Book:  Directly facing all who approach him, intelligent, reliable man in authority, power, strength, logical, and rational

Guidance:  Don't cross the king, be flexible and innovative, continue moving forward

Journaling:

It's time for me to be decisive and begin making plans to move forward.  I don't know exactly what the future looks like, but I know it is time to start figuring it out.

December 30, 2018 Review

What I am finding so amazing about reading through past posts is how much I have changed my life by taking time to read through and analyze my past posts.  It is so helpful to get it all out on the page.  It just helps to have it there instead of festering.  And going back and looking at it with a fresh set of eyes makes it so much less scary.

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September 25, 2017

Gilded Tarot
Note:  Card was reversed

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Be kinder

Book:  Biased decision, dismissing feelings, not playing by the rules, suspending judgement, ruthless action, accept you cannot change people, lack of decisiveness

Guidance:  Feel More, judge and analyze less

Journaling

I don't make decisions decisively and implement them when they come to my body.  I know sugar is really bad for me and makes me feel horrible, but I keep sucking it down  I need to let go.  I'm also not very decisive about my X decision.  I let go, then snatch it back.  I need to just let go.

July 8, 2018 Review

Letting go is really hard for me.  I need to figure out why sugar has such a draw for me.  No, I don't.  Sugar is a physically addictive substance and I am addicted.  This is not about me being weak or having a lack of willpower.  It is literally about being addicted to a substance.  I need to go back to the 12 steps and apply them to sugar.  I am just addicted.  I think I am going to try going to Food Addicts Anonymous meetings to see if that helps.  I'm going to order the literature, then make a decision about the meeting

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October 23, 2016

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Mastery of one's thoughts

Book:  Compromise, Fairness, Consider other points of view

Guidance:  Be fair and objective, listen to others, be intellectually honest

May 25, 2018

Interesting, I did not journal when I pulled this card originally.  I'm sure it is because I was super busy and caught up in work.  I love this card.  Most people would take it as a reminder to listen to other people's points of view, but I consider it a reminder to value my own point of view.  My upbringing by the Bitch taught me to value other people over myself so it is second nature for me to discount my own beliefs to appease others.  However, recently I have begun valuing my own point of view and truly listening to and asserting myself.

That is really uncomfortable for me because it feels like I am sticking myself out there and setting myself up to be stomped on, but it is important that I assert myself and make my thoughts and feelings known.  It was uncomfortable this week at work as I had to assert myself regarding the demo we were doing and sometimes it felt as if I was a broken record, but in the end I got support and we ended up including OCM and it was great as they guys wove it into their presentation seamlessly.

Asserting myself and standing up for myself feels uncomfortable and there are times when I feel as if I have two speeds:  Door Mat and Freight train, but that is because in the past, I did not do a good job of asserting myself until I got really pissed off and then it seemed as if it was the first time I had said something, when in reality no one had chosen to listen to me before.

John was wrong in calling me a freight train because he chose not to take responsibility for our lives or anything that was happening so because I was willing to assert myself and take responsibility, I was a freight train.  The reality of the matter is that if he had chosen to be an equal partner in our marriage, we would have not had all the problems that we had.  Instead, he chose to be passive and as a result, I was viewed as domineering.

It is so valuable to look back on my marriage through the lens of time and see that all the horror and pain he put me through were not really about me at all, but were about his own self esteem issues and his own inadequacies.

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October 1, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:  I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment.  He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land.  I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak.  He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle.  The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book:  Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance:  Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts.  April opened up to me about her life growing up and what's going on in her life now.  It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was.  It doesn't mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017 Review

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother.  I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before.  I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me.  There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself.  However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her.  That's something she has to want and to work for herself.  However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

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September 12, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

Immediate Response:  Although this card appears cold and icy, it isn't as the tree still has green on.  I love the purple embellishment on his sword as it takes an object that is cold and icy and humanizes it.  I also like the cloak clasp as it mirrors his standard which you can partially see in the background.  This card as well as my tarot knowledge says that this king is decisive and has the ability to make good decisions, but he might also be a little rigid.

Book:  Intellectual, stern, tendency to be too rigid, guardian of social order.

Guidance:  Be flexible, make decisions, hold boundaries

Journaling:  The last few days have been about flexibility and going with the flow for me so it is interesting that this card came up.  I have been deliberately working on going with the flow and not being rigid so I'm not sure what the guidance is here.  Have I been too flexible?  Maybe this card is suggesting that I be a little more rigid and maintain better boundaries, especially around work.  I'm not exactly sure how I would do that as these people are nuts.  I'm going to have to give this some thought.  Maybe there are ways I can more provide more structure.

December 21, 2017 Review

Interesting to review this a year out of the situation.  All of the things that seemed so important at the time and so urgent aren't important any more and I don't even remember what all the drama was at at the time.  I do know that I was working at Gateway in Chicago and they were kind of nuts.  They had chosen the wrong solution and were trying to make it fix and it wasn't working.  They didn't do a good job with order and structure.

I'm also learning that overall I don't do a good job with boundaries and I'm struggling with that now as my client wants to meet every day next week even though I'm on PTO and the rest of the team is.  However, being a consultant means sucking it up and doing what needs to be done.  Not sure how to set boundaries when the expectation is to be available.  Again, I'll have to figure out how to set those boundaries.

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April 7, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First impressions:  Decisiveness

Book:  Grounded and stable, cut away truth from untruth

Guidance:  Watch so the sword is not critical or sharp to himself or others, bel tolerant, be supportive

Affirmation;  I am kind in my decisions

Journaling

I needed to hear this today because I've been doing a lot of beating up on myself.  I am human and not perfect.  I need to accept me for who I am.  The past few weeks have also helped me to better understand why John is with someone.  When you're lonely, it would be really easy to accept the first guy that looks as you, as if you might think someone is better than no one.  However, after spending 22 years with someone who didn't love me, I'd rather have the loneliness I feel over the pain of rejection and abuse.  I'm also not going to settle.  Why should I lower my standards/  I will not settle for anything other than unconditional love because that's what I deserve.  I deserve someone who makes me laugh, who loves me no matter what and who is there for me no matter what.

John was never that person.  His primary goal was always to bring me down a notch.  Ishould have let him go all those lifetimes agin.

May 15, 2016

Opening my heart and listening is hard for me.  I'm so glad tarot is helping me find a way to open to healing.

Nine of Swords

April 29, 2020

This was an interesting card combination as I pulled it as I was thinking about how sad I was to be leaving my job and moving on and about how afraid I was that I wouldn't do well at my new company.  I literally had those thoughts, then pulled the cards.  What I loved about these cards is they matched what I was feeling, but gave me a very hopeful and thoughtful message.  The Nine of Swords from The LightSeer's tarot  is all about nightmares and perceiving things are a disaster when they really aren't.  This card is a reminder to set worry off to one side and focus on the positive.  One of the things that I remind myself of when I'm feeling like no one will like me or I don't know what to do, etc.  is to remind myself that my new boss and my new team has an incentive to want me to succeed.  They want me to do well so that they do well.  They would not have hired me if they thought I was going to fail because that is way too much work for them.  Everyone wants me to succeed and they are going to be rooting me the whole time.  I have to remind myself of that when I start to beat myself up and think poorly of myself.  I also have to remind myself that it will take a while to settle in at Nestle and that that's okay.

Once I've looked at things and faced reality, the Loss card from the Journey Oracle reminds me that it really is okay to let myself grieve and let myself be sad and grieve if there is really a loss to be grieving.  All the work I've done on grief and loss this year reminds me that it really is okay to let myself feel what I need to feel.  I don't have to be superwoman.

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September 30, 2019

Note:  The last few days and tomorrow will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question:  What is the new world that is being revealed?

First Impressions:  Fears, light, not being able to sleep

Book:  Worries are not real

Dark Goddess Book:  Fear is getting in the way of seeing the truth

Guidance:  Time will bring clarity


Dark Goddess Guidance:  Separate what you wish for, what you expect, and what you dread in order to see clearly

Journaling

I'm realizing that there is a world out there where I will be able to express my fears and move on with my life.  Sometimes I think it is holding in our fears that holds us back.  My greatest fear is that I am fundamentally unlovable and that there is something wrong with me.  However, I'm realizing through reading books like the Shadow Daughter and others that there is nothing wrong with me.  I am a beautiful, loving, funny, and amazing person.  It is not my fault that my mother cannot love me and treat me with the respect I deserve.  That is about her and is not a fundamental flaw in who I am.  Even though I've grown tremendously in the last few years, I'm realizing that there has always been a little piece of my soul that has believed I am unworthy of love because of how my mother raised me.  However, I now know that that is not true and that she is incapable of truly loving.  It makes me sad and i feel compassion for her, but at the end of the day, it is not about me at all.

Rereading her letter through grownup eyes instead of the eyes of a child helped me to realize that my perceptions are correct as the letter was all about her and about her need to have her family.  It was not about us at all, instead it was about how her friends are having great grandkids so she wants great grandkids to show off.  It is as if we were to be used as pawns in her game of one upmanship with her friends instead of being appreciated for who we are.  That's a cold and harsh reality and I know that there is a little part of me that wishes it wasn't so and that hopes I'm wrong, but I'm not wrong and that is really who she is.  I don't need that in my life anymore.

The Banshee tells me to acknowledge those dark bits of my soul, but to let go of them and to know that they are fears and that I am can let go of them and let them fly off into the night like her crows.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful that Sean got home safely

I'm grateful for bundt cakes with the fam

I'm grateful that I got to Minster safely

I'm grateful for the awesome drive with the top down

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September 24, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Nightmare, being kept up at nights

Book:  Truth will come with morning

Guidance:  Most of our fears are illusions.  Time will bring clarity

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me because I do a good job of getting myself swirly about what I think is going to happen, then I waste a lot of time worrying which makes my life more difficult.  Then most of the time the thing I was worried about doesn't even happen.  I was annoyed and pissed off about the thought of having to go to Nidec, then St. Louis.  Well my trip to St. Louis got postponed so I will actually get some time at home.  That has happened to me so many times lately where I have worried and agonized over something that did not come to fruition. 

One of the things that I need to remind myself to do is to take a deep breath when I start to get swirly.  Most of the things that I worry about don't end up happening.  And even if they did end up happening, most of them are manageable anyway.  And sometimes when I do drop a ball, that's okay as most of the balls I drop are not the end of the world.  Most of them are things that don't even matter.  I do keep my eyes on the big balls and the ones that matter and I work hard not to drop those balls.

One of the reasons that I'm so swirly right now is that my biggest nightmare is being stuck in this job.  I'm tired of traveling and it is taking a huge toll on my life.  It is hard to form relationships, I feel trapped, etc. etc.  However, if that is the message that I'm putting out there, it's no wonder that I'm miserable.  I need to start asking for what I want instead of bitching about what I don't have.  Once Cam's trial is over, I am going to start doing some major job magic.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good sessions

I'm grateful for the beautiful weather out

I'm grateful for watching NCIS

I'm grateful that I'm employed

I'm grateful that I have peace and quiet

I'm grateful for making decisions that are in my best interests

I'm grateful that Cam is okay

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July 7, 2019

Deck: World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Nightmares, confronting our deepest fears, terrifying visions, anxiety,

Guidance:  Look to your intuition for guidance

Journaling

I've been binge watching Anthony Bourdain lately and it has me thinking about nightmares and those thoughts that wake you in the middle of the night and convince you that you can't go on.  I've had my share of dark nights of the soul and there have been a lot of times that I am convinced that I can't wake up one  more morning and go about my pathetic little life.  I've convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, but since I've ended up in the hospital for those thoughts and have endured the worst of the worst, I've realized that life does go on and in most cases it does get better.  I hold Anthony Bourdain close because he is a reminder that what people see is not always what's real.  People who may appear to the outside world as if they have it all together often don't.  They are often struggling and hurting inside and no one knows what's going on inside their souls.

Souls can be scary places to navigate and it is often in the deepest darkest recesses of our souls that we encounter shame, guilt, and self-hatred.  There are monsters in our souls and they often originated outside of ourselves in the voices of people who told us that we couldn't do something, or that we weren't good enough, or that we were bad, or a million other lies.  If we are told such lies often enough, we begin to believe them.  Those lies seep into our soul and mingle with our own traces of self doubt until they are stronger than we would like and they whisper to us in the dark of the night that we're not worthy, that the world would be a better place without us.  It doesn't matter how smart we are, how strong we are, how competent we are as those voices in the night can convince us we are nothing.

The voices often show up during the day as well, but it is easier to ignore them in the light.  It is easier to surround ourselves with people who can boost our ego and remind us that we are okay.  It is easier to tally up our accomplishments and realize we matter.  The sunlight shines bright light into the corners and chases away the boogeyman.  However, if we don't do the hard work of therapy and self discovery, we may not be able to drive the shadows out of our soul.

RIP Anthony Bourdain

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April 9, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Nightmares, anxiety

Book:  Despair, sorrow, nightmares, grief, death

Guidance:  Prepare for the worst situation, could not have been avoided, are things as bad as they appear?

Journaling

I always view this card as a reminder that nightmares happen.  It does not mean that they are reality.  I need to let go of my fears and worries and focus more on what I can control.  I can't control what Darshan does, I can't control what Gadino does.  The only person I have agency over is me.  I spend so much time worrying about what other people do and say when in reality there is nothing I can do to control others.

December 29, 2018

I needed this reminder today.  I am all swirly over John when in reality there is nothing I can do.  He is no longer my problem.  His health is no longer my problem.  His financial issues are no longer my problem.  Absolutely nothing that he does is my problem and I need to let go and let whatever happens happens. 

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November 21, 2017

Deck:  Gilded tarot

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Crossing her arms to protect her heart, troubled by big problems

Guidance:  Reach out and get the comfort and wisdom you need, allow someone to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

I need to hear this reading about asking for help.  I don't do such a god job of asking for help.  I tend to hold things in and not let other people in.  The only time I ever truly let people in was right after my divorce and I was so shattered and broken.  The pain was so tremendous that I could not contain it.  I spewed because this pain was horrible.  However, as I've healed, I've receded into myself.  I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. 

I'm not a recluse and it is not as if I've been hiding in a hovel and never venturing out.  I go out and I interact, but I'm standoffish and not thrilled about doing the work it takes to know people.

November 25, 2017

I need to make some time for me.  I am so caught in in Cam that I'm not taking care of me.  I need to step back from her and trust she is in the Goddess' hand.  I need to let go of my need to hold on so tight.  If I don't make time to take care of me, I will end up angry and resentful.  I also need to let go and trust.

November 9, 2018

It's so interesting that this theme of vulnerability has been coming up again and again.  I need to start trusting people and letting them in.  I think knowing that I can be fierce will help me to be vulnerable and to let people in.  This year is going to be all about exploring vulnerability and being more open with other people.  I'm really scared about this, but I know it is something that I really need to do.

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November 8, 2017

Deck; Gilded tarot

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out

Guidance:  Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people.  I reached out to the UU's stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me.  Not one of the people reached out to say, "Hope your daughter is okay."  Instead they just harassed me and were rude.  Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.

November 20, 2017

I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way.  What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt?  I would have said I'm sorry and asked what I could do.  However, not one of those bitches did that.  I don't want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it.  It isn't that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.

October 26, 2018

I'm getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true.  My daughter was abducted and assaulted.  There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead.  Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.

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December 12, 2017

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds.  When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that's what this card makes me think of.  In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her.  This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book:  If you would known, do not fear to see.  Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries.  She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance:  Do not give fears a priority when making a decision.  Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.

Journaling:

What a perfect card to pull today.  Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the "I'm fired" path.  That makes no sense at all because I've been billable and we're gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went.  I'm learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do.  I'm so mean to myself even when I've done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am.  I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

• Stop what I'm doing and breathe
• Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
• Roll with the situation and see what comes of it

December 28, 2017

I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that's something easy I can remember.  I've come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I'm not there yet.  The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I've felt.  Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can't react or I won't have a job.  It's one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.  

However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I'm no longer in an abusive relationship.  It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault.  I'm learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.

My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way.  It is all a process and the best thing is that I don't have to have all the answers right now.

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April 24, 2016

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Journaling:

The nine of air is a card of deep sorrow and grieving.  As my physical strength has been stripped away, I find I have no energy for pretense or illusion.  There is a deep grief at the core of my being:  grief over my desire for happily ever after, grief over the fact that I am alone.

This card is about all that binds me to the past.  It is also about trusting that she will take care of me.  It is about letting go and being willing to sacrifice my dreams.  That's hard for me as I'm scared of being alone and I feel my life isn't valuable if I'm alone.  However, the flip side is that I am so afraid of being hurt that I don't let people in.  Even though it is lonely, it is so much easier to hold people at arm's length then to let them in.  I guess I just have to trust the goddess.

December 24, 2017

This card still resonates with me as I find myself clinging to the old ways of doing things and my old thought patterns.  She has appeared to me multiple times to tell me to let go and I have started to let go, but sometimes when I get scared or stressed, I start clinging to things that I shouldn't cling to.

What is being sacrificed

Note:  Yesterday, today, and the next three days will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question:  What is being sacrificed?

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Union, happiness

Dark Goddess First Impressions:  Oh no, how can I be sacrificing love

Book: Linked in a union of love, two hearts complimenting one another

Dark Goddess Book:  Faithless love, sacrificing yourself, eternal desire

Guidance:  Celebrate love

Dark Goddess Tarot

Dark Goddess Guidance:  Allow yourself to yearn deeply, be honest with yourself about what you love, open your heart, release expectation

Journaling

My initial reading of this was that I was being asked to sacrifice my desire for love which sent me into a very dark place as it made me feel that the gods were telling me that I was not worthy of love.  However, I also know that this is a very touchy subject for me and that I had to sit with the card for a bit and figure out what it was trying to to tell me.  As I've reflected and meditated on this card over the last few days, I'm realizing that what I'm being asked to sacrifice is not my desire for love, but the walls that I've put up to keep me from opening my heart to love.  I look around my office / meditation room which has goddess art on the walls and is where I am most at home and I realize when I look at the book piled around that I've barricaded myself and put up so many barriers to protect my heart that there is no way in the current circumstances I can truly be open to love.  And it isn't just the physical barriers either, I've also got a crazy job that keeps me way too busy and I'm in school so there is no time for love.

Lorelei asks me to be honest with myself about I yearn for and what I want in my life and I'm realizing that I need to define what I want in order to define it.  I spent the first 50 years of my life believing that I was nothing if I was not in a relationship and I've spent the last three years realizing that I am pretty amazing by myself and that I do not need someone else to validate my right to exist.  However, with the realization that I'm okay just the way I am has come a fear of losing that self love by entering into a relationship.  My marriage was disastrous and in some ways I lost my soul and I am terrified of that happening again.  I do not think I could survive.

Interestingly enough, a few days before I drew this card, I pulled the Two of Swords from Tarot de St. Croix and the message there was all about putting down my swords and opening my heart.  Those are difficult messages for me as I'm really afraid of being hurt and the only surefire way that I know to protect myself is to keep my shields up.  However, that keeps me trapped in the eight of swords prison and that's not where I want to be.

Gratiudes

I'm grateful for getting my paper done

I'm grateful for having a low key day

I'm grateful for getting a small walk in

I'm grateful for the beautiful weather

I'm grateful for the good weekend with Cam

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Harvest, Sun, of the earth

Book: Expression of abundance

Guidance:  Begin a new project with confidence knowing that it will grow to its fullest potential and flourish

Journaling

I've been getting a lot of messages about new projects lately and about starting new endeavors, but I don't know what those new endeavors are.  I know that there is a part of me that is being called to work more intimately with individuals instead of with organizations, to truly minister to the needs of people instead of just helping big corporations make money.  However, I don't know what that looks like, if it take the form of teaching, the form of online teaching, the form of working at a university, I just don't know exactly what it looks like.

What I do know is that there is change in the air and that I'm going to be called on to serve in a different and more unique way.  I don't know exactly what that is yet, but I do know that it is coming as I feel an excitement in the air as my life will more closely align with my heart's purpose.  It may be just learning to look at what I already do differently or it may mean a change of pace.  All I know from my work and my personal experience is that I need to open my heart to the change and be open to whatever comes my way.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the safe drive

I'm grateful for the funny conversation with Cam

I'm grateful that my meetings went well

I'm grateful for the candy

I'm grateful for Jamie's smiles

I'm grateful I got to sleep late

I'm grateful I got some work done on my workshop reflection paper

I'm grateful I got some work done on my taroting

Deliberate Draw: The Star

First Impressions:  The beauty of the night sky, being covered by mama's love

Book:  Hope for your dreams to manifest, time of renewal and inspiration

Guidance:  Relax, be at peace, and all will be well

Journaling

There is something magical about sitting outside around a bonfire with the stars high above.  It is as if the stars above are reflected in the bonfire.  Bonfires also  invite shared intimacies and the sharing of secrets.  It was a wonderful day as we woke up late, went to the store to get a few groceries, spent some time lazing around, then went hiking.  The hike was funny because neither dog was terribly thrilled with the idea of walking in nature.  Both of them gingerly picked their way over the trail and periodically stopped to cry and whine.  Wendy especially whined when Clark and Cam got too far ahead of us.  She is such a loving little soul as she truly loves her people and wants to make sure they are close.

I love the darkness and the feeling of infinity that the night sky brings.  It is as if all my hopes and dreams can come true and as if there is nothing that can stop me from achieving my dreams.  In the darkness, there is mystery and magic and all the obstacles of the day are shrouded.  I know that the night can also cover up evil and hide wrong doing, but for me there is magic and possibility in the night time that doesn't always exist in the light.  Nighttime and bonfires are especially magical when there is just a little bit of a chill in the air and the magic of fall is starting to creep up on you. 

When I sit around a campfire at night, I'm taken back to my lives before this one, when I was a shaman and the night and the bonfire were the distraction.  We talked, we laughed, and we shared.  We needed to be around the fire in order to be safe as many believed that the night held scary mysteries and not comforting warmth.  As I sat by the fire with Cam, I felt myself slip away to that far away lifetime when I was part of a community and not part of the world.  I think that we have lost something as the world has gotten smaller and we live in a global community instead of a community that clusters around a campfire to keep the monsters of the night away.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the walk in the woods

I'm grateful for sleeping late

I'm grateful for working on the fenced in porch

I'm grateful for snuggling with both dogs

I'm grateful for watching Wendy run in the water

I'm grateful for the deep sleep I got

I'm grateful for Wendy's funny little noises

Ten of Cups

August 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Happiness, raising a toast

Book: Celebrating

Guidance: Emotional contentment, a card of appreciation and gratitude

Journaling

I chose this card because it was so nice to have dinner with Scott and to just hang out and talk about all that is going on in life.  It's nice to have people in my life who understand me and who get why I behave the way I do.  We talked a lot about why I'm upset and he asked me a very deep question when he asked me why I thought there was going to be a bad outcome.  I said that the Brock Turner case was on my mind and that I was upset because I was being asked to trust 12 people to make a decision.  However, he reminded me that there was a possibility that it could go well.

At the end of the day, a lot of what I'm feeling is powerlessness and it's not something that I'm comfortable with.  I don't like to not be in control and there are a lot of areas in my life where I am in control and where I get to drive what happens.  However, there are also situations where I have to trust others and those situations make me very uncomfortable.  When I'm put in a position of being asked to trust someone, I get upset and I get defensive, angry, afraid, etc.  I start lashing out at even the people who want to help me because I am afraid.  However, when I finally start hurting enough or when I have a moment of clarity, I remember that I don't have to trust everyone.  I have to trust my guides.  I have to turn it over to them and trust them to do the right thing.  Once I do that it is as if all the anger is out of me and I've deflated.  Then I can be filled back up with good things.

What's interesting about this is that Scott pulled the seven of pentacles in the Vision Quest which is a card of depletion and not a card of waiting or harvest.  Interestingly, I didn't think of it at the time but depletion is what I feel when I let all that anger and stress go.  I feel as if all the negativity has escaped out of me and I feel like I am depleted, but in a good way.  He also pulled the Shaman card and that is a card of power.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good conversation with Darshan and his decision

I'm grateful for dinner with Scott

I'm grateful for leaving work on time

I'm grateful for staying at a different hotel than the team

I'm grateful for yummy Spanglish

I'm grateful for the beautiful weather

I'm grateful for fresh fruit

I'm grateful to have money in the bank

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June 22, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Happiness, Joy as a family, sticking together

Book:  Deep satisfaction that comes from finding your path in life, fulfillment, joys of familial love, simple pleasures of domestic life

Guidance:  Take a moment to appreciate your life, your home, and your loved ones, open your heart, dance with the universe, and feel the love that pours forth for you

Journaling

Today was a happy family day.  We hung out together in the morning, then went and had dinner with Sean for Cam's birthday.  We just had Jimmy John's but being together was nice.  We also spent a lot of time playing with the doggos today and just hanging out with them.  There was nothing big or bold that happened today, but it was a nice comfortable day.  I'm learning that sometimes the best days or the days when we just enjoy each other's company and are there for each other.  Cam had a meltdown today because she is having flashbacks and working through stuff, but because I was in a good head space, I was able to listen and be there for her.  Just being there for someone else is such a powerful thing and to know that there are people there for me is very powerful.  I might get really irritated with the kids sometimes, but I love them and I'm happy I'm able to provide for them.

After Seano got home from work, we had cake (again) and opened Cam's presents.  She was so happy with what we got her and so grateful.  I'm glad I can give my kids things that they want for presents and that they appreciate it.  It isn't about having the money to buy expensive things, but it is taking the time to get the things that people want.  I think that's key for me is truly having people listen and take the time to get things that matter.  John never really listened to what people wanted and chose gifts that he thought people wanted.  He also always had intense drama and every occasion ended up being around him.

It is just nice to have a calm and peaceful life.  We don't always get along, but we are able to work through our issues instead of resorting to anger and hate.  That's a nice place to be in.

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April 16, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Emotional stability, peace, family harmony

Book:  Happy, family, contentment, lasting happiness, perfect love, card of the heart's desire

Guidance:  You have gained great joy from life

Journaling

I'm not sure what this card means for me as I'm not satisfied with my life and it feels empty and lonely.  I mostly like my job, but am annoyed about certain people's attitudes.  Joe pissed me off today.  Why should we do training material when they are going with someone else for OCM.  That is ludicrous.  If they want all our materials, they can damn well pay for it.  There are days I get so frustrated at work and I feel as if I'm swimming upstream.  And I have to admit that there are days I wonder if it is even worth it.

Maybe this card is a reminder to keep the faith that I can have what I want.  I just need to trust.  Trust is so hard for me.  I always assume that people have the worst intentions.  Maybe I need to start trusting that people do have my best interests at heart. 

Dearest Ones,

Please help me to open my heart and trust.  Please help me to believe that people have good intentions instead of always assuming the worst.

Blessings, Raine

December 29, 2018 Review

Wow!  I completely missed what this card was trying to tell me.  It was telling me that I have an amazing family and that I am truly loved and that instead of focusing on what is wrong with my life, I should focus on the positives.  I have been doing a lot better at doing that lately and I know that it is because I write down my gratitudes  every day, I do a weekly recap, and I pull a card every day.  I also know that a lot of it is due to the fact that I have been reading a lot of spiritual literature.  I've been working to focus on the positives in life and in the world instead of getting weighed down by the negativity.

However, even though I am seeing the positive changes, I also know that I still obsess and I still spend a lot of time focused on the negative and on what is wrong with life.  I need to let go of the negative and start really focusing on what's right in life.  I need to let go of my anger and angst over John.  What he does or does not do is really none of my business.  I need to let go and let him succeed or fail on his own.  I also have to trust that I have provided Sean with as much guidance as I possible can and that he will ask for help and guidance if he needs it.  It is hard to let go, but that's really what I need to do in order to be happy in my own life.

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April 20, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Family, enjoyment

Book:  Celebrate life's rewards, unconditional joy, being grateful for the good stuff, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not lose yourself in the celebration, maintain inner equilibrium, learn new lessons through joy and bliss

Affirmation;  I am grateful

Journaling

I love the ten of cups as it celebrates coming to fruition and having all the good stuff that life has to offer.  The last few years have truly helped me to realize what love is and to open myself up to unconditional love.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Love unconditionally.  Accept imbalance.  Accept being weak.  Let people take care of you.  Be vulnerable.

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December 2, 2016

Ten of Cups
Gilded Tarot

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family.  Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.

Book:  Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration

Journaling:

This card is such a confirmation of the work I've done.  For the most part I am happy and content with my life.  I do want someone to love, but I've been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc.  The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean.  Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad.  I know I can't say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.

December 28, 2017

I hate it when I write something and put no context around it.  I'm not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn't matter.

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May 13, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Overshelmed by the world.  Feeling as if I am constantly battling and life is incredibly difficult.  Feeling overwhelmed.  Death versus life seems front and center.

Book:  Overwhelmed by emotion an feeling like a martyer.

Journaling

I am feeling like a martyer as I feel likie I give and give and give and get nothing in return.  It seems as if the kids just take, take, take, and I don't know how to stop it.  I need to find a way to set clear boundaries for them.  I also know that I want life to be settled now and that isn't realistic.  I need to let life take its course.  In the scope of things, I haven't been moved all that long and I just need to trust the universe.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

When I am realistic about when I wrote this, I realize that it was written about six months after we had moved and the kids still weren't settled yet.  When we moved, I had a job that I kept but the kids had to settle in, find jobs, etc.  It wasn't really realistic to expect them to be settled and in a place where they could contribute.  Things are much better now and although I still feel like I do a lot of heavy lifting, that's changing.

Page of Swords

August 12, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Learning, knowledge, intellectual

Book:  Harmonious symmetry

Guidance:  Open your mind to new ideas, messages come through learning that are a catalyst for change

Journaling

Meeting Heather was such a godsend because it was so much easier to show up since I had already met someone.  I was also thrilled to see such an amazing group gather.  Today was truly a day about opening my mind to new ideas and realizing how intellectual learning stimulates my emotional learning.  I was also so pleased that there were people who were actually interested in my background and thought that I had something to contribute.

What is so amazing is that it truly does feel as if I'm found my niche where I belong and where I can actually add value to the world.  I think part of what I'm feeling right now is that I'm not learning, growing, and adding unique value to the world.  Being at this conference was truly all about learning and figuring out new pathways.  I don't know what those new pathways are yet, but I do know that I'm definitely changing.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for people being interested in my background

I'm grateful for being included in the Qualitative Research Group

I'm grateful for being in such a beautiful space

I'm grateful for all the great information

I'm grateful for the awesome hummus place that Clam and I went to for dinner

I'm grateful for getting a good night's sleep

I'm grateful for Jeanette

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August 4, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Arrogance, facing the future

Book:  Intelligent and insightful, discovering what is hidden, not afraid to speak the truth

Guidance:  Tailor your talent to the world of human reality

Journaling

The meaning on this card makes me smile as I sometimes race ahead of everyone else and am left looking back waiting for them to catch up.  This card serves as a reminder that I live in the human realm and I need to be kind and to help others along instead of racing ahead of everyone else because I can.  My job generally helps me with that as I get a reminder on every project what it is like to be back at the beginning and starting over. 

The page of swords also serves as a reminder that learning can be fun and that it can be amazing to jump into a pool of new knowledge and learn something new.  We often get so caught up in being the smartest person in the world that we forget what it is like to have beginner's mind and start from the beginning. 

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the yummy Spanglish and flirting with the guy behind the counter
I'm grateful for the safe drive to Chicago
I'm grateful that the Delta fixed my reservation for me
I'm grateful that it was a nice day for a drive
I'm grateful for driving down State Street with my top down
I'm grateful for seeing the beautiful moon

Goddess of the Week: Sophia

First Impressions:  Royalty, peace,

Meaning:  Wisdom, knowing yourself, tenderness and light

This card called to me as I felt calmness and tenderness radiating off of her.  Sophia speaks to me of turning inward to find wisdom and learning about who I am and applying that to the world.  What I see around me is that so many people want to change the world, but they are unwilling to do the work required to change themselves.  It seems as if it is so easy to point the finger at someone else and demand that they change instead of turning the magnifying glass inward and looking at our own actions and behaviors.  The flip side of this is knowing what I'm not responsible for and what I can't control.

The border between my behavior and others behaviors is boundaries and that's the hardest area for me.  I have a tendency to take responsibility and ownership for things that are really not my responsibility and that I shouldn't own.  That goes back to we teach people how to treat us and that if we let people walk all over us, they will continue to do that.  I learned a long time ago with my kids that I had to stop acting as if getting them to do their chores was a favor to me because that made them feel as if it was something extra that they were doing to be nice.  I've learned that I have to make them understand that this is a requirement and that if they don't do it, there will be consequences.  I'm still not perfect at it, but I'm getting there.

The same is true in work and we often don't do a good job of holding people accountable and making them understand that good behavior is not optional.  However, I think as women we are so afraid of the bitch label and we are so afraid of not being liked that we tolerate bad behavior.  My marriage taught me that it is my responsibility to stand up and call out the people who treat me badly.  I need to be the one that says that certain behavior is unacceptable and that I will not tolerate it.  Of course as a woman, people tend to label you "too emotional" or "too sensitive" when you stand up for yourself, but I don't believe demanding to be treated with respect makes me too sensitive.  I was so fed up with X the other day when he was whining about how someone had disrespected him, but the behavior he was talking about was no worse than what he'd done to me.  However, because I'm female I was being too sensitive.  That was a huge lesson to me in how men like to give women the label of too sensitive as a way to keep them down.