September 22, 2022
Fall Equinox
Deck: The Gentle Tarot
First Impressions: In some ways this card makes me sad because some of the choices are things a person needs to live (fire, the egg, and the plant), while others are thins of beauty. It reminds me that there are people who really do have to choose what things they purchase.
Book: I embrace my gifts and the options that surround me. Instead of being scattered or spread too think, I am ready to choose and go all in.
Guidance: Step into your power and welcome yourself home.
Journaling:
This card shows why I love decks with big juicy books that explain the creator's thoughts on the deck as her vision for the deck was so much different than how I saw it. I love how her thoughts are about embracing my gifts and making choices. I feel like I have been on this journey to step into who I am and what is important to me. Part of that journey is choosing to believe that everything I do, even the mistakes I make, is the right thing for me at the moment. I'm not happy with where my credit card debt is right now, but I also know that a lot of it was about the house, the dogs, and the car. Those three things are not optional so I am not going to stress about how I got into the debt, I'm going to focus on getting out of it.
I'm also choosing to believe that not finding the right PhD program and not being able to jump in immediately is also the right thing for me right now. I firmly believe that everything we do in life is about lessons and about what can we learn from the situation. When I view my life that way, it has a pattern and a rhythm to it that is right for me.
I have to say that I really like viewing this card in that light versus about delusions.
Where I'm At: I'm at home today and it was a long day. I'm really learning my new job, but it is hard as it feels like it takes absolutely all of my brain power.
Weather: The weather was nice today as it wasn't too hot or too cold. I love this weather.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 12%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:12 / 7:25
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May 20, 2022
Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: Choices, riches, grasping what one wants
Book: Imagination, fantasy, magical thinking
Guidance: False fronts and impossible sights
Journaling:
It was one of those days where I contemplated the waste of my life and the fact that I have become the person I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be a wage slave where all my energy and time went into a job I hate and has no value, but that is exactly where I am. I feel so trapped by money that I don't know where to go. I need my salary to pay off my debt, but I hate my job. I really wish the kids would get jobs paying more money so that I'm not the one always paying when things break or we need things.
I'm working hard to make time for the things that matter to me like school and tarot, but I've been so sick lately and have such low energy that it feels all I can do is make it through work. And I went to the doctor but she was more concerned with stupid shit than the fact that I'm tired all the time. And unfortunately, the medicine makes it worse. I think I need to do ritual and turn it over.
Where: I was home on Friday and was slammed with meetings in the morning, but the afternoon was light. We had Li Wah about 3 pm, then I worked on finishing things up. I also spent some time working on my book
Weather: It was extremely hot today. One of those days where I didn't even want to go out of the house it was so hot
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 75%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:00 am / 8:44 pm
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April 6, 2022
Deck: Light Seer's Tarot
First Impressions: Huts, shell game, love the little ladders, love the one with water flowing through it
Book: Choices, opportunities, options, counsel against delusions, needing to decide without the full picture
Guidance: Allow what you really want to inform your next steps
Journaling:
I think where I'm at right now is that I don't know what I really want. I don't want the job I have now, but I love the paycheck. What I really want to do is to be able to do research and inform public opinion, but I don't know how to get there while I am working full time. One of the things I am working on is figuring out how to be more positive and not just bitch and moan constantly. That's really hard to do when i am so tired and it feels as if my entire body is imploding on itself.
One of the keys is to be kind to myself and take care of my body. I also have to accept that I am not going to work at the bird forever and that eventually I will move on and will not have to deal with all the bullshit anymore
Where: I am sitting in the incredibly messy living room waiting for someone from work to ping me and listening to Wendy chew her bone. I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed today.
Weather: It was rainy, but sort of warm out today
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent, 25%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:01 pm / 7:57 pm
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------January 17, 2022
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
First Impressions: Wonder, amazement, choices
Book: Daydreaming, fantasy, wishful thinking, procrastination
Guidance: Make a decision wisely and quickly
Journaling;
It is interesting how my perspective has changed as I've grown older. I used to think that daydreaming and woolgathering was a waste of time, but I've realized that day dreaming and relaxing are critical to the body's ability to recharge and reenergize. Daydreaming and wool gathering are in some ways forms of meditation a they take us out of our normal time and space and let us travel somewhere with the power of our mind.
There needs to be time and space for wool gathering, four our minds to wander aimlessly and to pick up bits of wonder and amazement from various places. Today is a wintery snowy day and as soon as I am sure that Sean is home and safe, I will be doing some meditating and some wool gathering. I will let my mind wander as I think about the wonder that is this world. I'll do some reading, maybe some cleaning, but all in all, I will just spend today being. I think we spend way too much time being human doings and not enough time being human beings.
I have also learned that, for me, procrastination is also a sign that I need to take time and think through a decision instead of just jumping in and doing it. When I am delaying making a decision, there is often a reason behind the delay and when the dust has cleared, I may end up making a different decision than I would have been without the delay and the procrastination.
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August 29, 2019
Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: Reading the tea leaves
Book: Making your fantasies into reality
Guidance: Tune into the feelings your visions evoke and make a decision which ones to manifest
Journaling
This is an interesting card for me because one of the things I have realized lately is that I am not solely in charge of my destiny and just because I want something does not mean that I can manifest it. If that was true, I would have manifested love a long time ago.. To a certain extent that has soured me on manifesting because it feels like I put my whole heart and soul into manifesting love, but I came up empty. I also put as much real world energy into it as possible and still nada. That was and is a very bitter disappointment because I know that I deserve love and I know that I have love to give, so I'm not sure why I was unable to manifest love despite my best interests.
For the most part, I really enjoy my life and I know that i have created a life to be proud of. I've manifested a beautiful home, I have a job I mostly like, and I'm going to school, but I don't have the one thing that I want more than anything else and that hurts and makes me wonder if all of the energy I've put into manifestation has been wasted. I know there are some who would say that I was too specific, but I think the universe should be able to figure out the essence of what I want. There are some days I feel like I'm only living half a life because I'm alone and being alone truly sucks.
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August 1, 2019
First Impressions: Choices, delusions
Book: World of imagination, deepest hopes and fears, danger of getting lost
Guidance: Bring your visions down to earth, balance creative inspiration with practicality
Journaling
In most decks, this card speaks to me of delusion and of being taken in by the dark side, being consumed by food, by alcohol, be desire. However, when I look at it as a card of choices and inspiration, it speaks to me of all the things I can have, if I am willing to do the work. I can even have all of them, but having lived through the "you can have it all era," I know enough to know that I can't have it all at once, but I can have it all in sequence. Looking at this card from a practical standpoint, I feel as if I'm being asked to choose what is most important and to focus on energy on that, once I've got that plate spinning, I can choose something else.
As much as I hate to admit it, my two priorities right now have to be work and school. Work is what pays the bills and keeps the money coming in. And school is my future as it is what fascinates me and what keeps me motivated. I also know that once I can put that MA after my name, it will help me sell a lot more articles, books etc. That doesn't mean I won't still work on Cairn by Cairn and putter around my book, but I will stop beating myself up over not spending a lot of time and energy on those activities. I work at an insane job and trying to build a practice is really hard. I need to start giving myself enough credit for the things that I do and not beat myself up because I cannot do more.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful the smoothie wasn't horrible
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the good conversation with Joe
I'm grateful for taking care of myself
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March 23, 2018
First Impressions: Choices, delusions
Book: Visions of what might be
Guidance: Do not tempted by delusions, do not deceive yourself, back up visions with work
Journaling
When I look at this card, I see all the things I could have, if only they were real. I don't think my dreams are that big or that delusional, but what I want to manifest does not seem to big or grandiose. Do affirmations every day and let go. How it manifests is not your concern, just know that it will.
Interesting, int he last week I've drawn the seven, eight, and nine of pentacles, but not in sequence. Am I to put them in sequence?
December 25, 2018 Revisit
This card, like all Tarot cards, can be complicated and can mean so many things. It can mean that we are deluding ourselves, it can mean that we have choices to make, or it can mean that we are pulled between two many things. The amazing thing about tarot cards, as I'm learning, is that you read them differently depending on where you are in your life and maybe that is what makes them so cool. When I am in a good place, I read this as having choices and as there being a lot of amazing stuff in my future. However, when I'm not in a good place, I read it as being delusional and beat myself up and tell myself I'm not worthy of anything.
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December 21, 2016
First Impressions: Choices
Book: Distraction, faced with many choices, be aware of distractions, temptation, at a crossroads, wishful thinking
Guidance: Be aware of distraction, find inspiration where you can, exercise greater patience and self control
Journaling
This was a great card today as I am in a place of choices. I can choose to continue believing X is strong enough to do the right thing or accept that this has all been an illusion. I do believe that he has feelings for me, but I also have to accept that he is weak. He wasn't able to tell me why he's not talking tome and that's rude. A part of me is drawing parallels to walking away form my mother, but they really aren't the same as I am self aware enough to know my weaknesses and she is not.
There is a possibility that my last exchange, but i don't think so. I think the truth is that he has feelings for me that he can't acknowledge and that makes him uncomfortable. Or his wife told him to stop talking to me. Either way, it is really weak to just walk away after all the time we've been friends. I deserve better than that.
July 8, 2018 Revisit
This was just another one of those times where we stopped talking for a short period of time, then were right back to talking to one another. I'm really tired of the dance, but I don't know how to stop dancing. There is this pull between us and I don't know how to stop. Yes, I do. If I really wanted to stop the dance, I could cut the cord.
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May 18, 2016
Card Name: Seven of Water, pulled reversed
First Impressions: Unable to make a choice, waffling unsupported
Journaling
Another card about decisions and not being able to choose which option to take. It seems they are creaming at me that I have to make a decision, but I don't know what the right choice actually is
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