Janus is holding a staff of wood representing looking backward and a staff with a crystal ball representing moving forward. I find this interesting as there is an implication that the fancy staff is better and represents the future. However, what I'm finding is that when we assume the fancy stuff in the future is better than the past, we may be wrong. Progress is awesome and amazing, but there is something to be said for the simpler and more rustic past. As I reflect on that, I know that I love my paycheck, but I wish that I could live a simpler life and not have all the bills hanging over my head.
Book: First step toward your desire, standing at the door contemplating my future
Guidance: Have confidence in yourself, do not doubt the light bulb going off in your head
I needed to see this card today and be reminded that my future is there and that I need to trust the messages I'm getting. The message I'm getting very clearly is that my future is changing the future of healthcare and figuring out how to combine the work I currently do, OCM,with my passion for spirituality, culture, and really making a difference. I can see the path laid out in front of me at a high level, but figuring out the tactical steps of how to get there is a little bit maddening. I know, I know, I just need to take one step at a time. I need to get my masters while working on my PhD proposal, then figure out how to make it work.
The problem is that slogging through the shit is horrible. I'm struggling at work right now because the consultants on my current project are total jackasses. They act as if they know everything and if it is their role to be project managers. However, I have faith that it will all work out in the end. I just need to stand back and let things play out. I also have to remind myself that everything I am doing and learning is leading me to where I am meant to be. And part of that learning is about how to deal with people who have no faith and don't listen to me. I'm sure that when I go into a medical setting, I will have people who doubt my abilities and act as if I don't have a brain in my head. Oh wait, that's pretty much every doctor I've ever encountered.
Of course, after I write that the question I'm asking is why do I set myself up to do the hard stuff? Why can't my path be easy? I guess the answer to that is that no one who changes the world has an easy path. I'm reading about the Buddha right now (and no I'm not comparing myself to the Buddha) and his path was not easy either. He deliberately chose to leave wealth and privilege to experience the suffering of life. However, as i write that, I wonder if he was trying to change the world or trying to change himself and those are two different things. Maybe enlightenment is doing the hard things and letting go of the suffering.
|Two of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
Book: You don't need a path to find your way, she releases her powers in the three realms, walking the spirit walk between the worlds, seize the moment
Guidance: When you hear a dog, think about the path you are on; when at a crossroads, move toward what you know to be true; take the first step, and it will lead you toward what you know to be true
I love this reading, especially about taking the next meaningful and appropriator action and then you will be provided with the next. This reminds me of the cairns and the lesson that they taught me.
As I reflect, I realize that the lesson is really one of trust. Walking to the first cairn, I had to trust that the next one would be there. I suppose it is that way with the reset of my life as well, I have to trust that the next cairn will be there. That's really really hard for me as I want the whole path laid out for me at once, but that's not how the world works.
I don't know what the next adventure that awaits me is, but all I need to know is what the next step is, so what is the net step? Have I missed it by being stubborn?
Message from my guides
No my child, you haven't missed it. You are right where you need to be. Continue putting one foot in front of the other. Continue to meditate and feel the peace all the way down to your belly. Trust your heart, trust in love, trust in yourself
January 8, 2018
Even though every instinct in my body says it is time to move on from my job and it is time to leap, they are telling me very clearly to stay put. I've always been the one who got dissatisfied and leaped rather than stay and work through the feelings of discomfort. They are telling me that there are lessons to be learned in trust and perseverance. They're telling me to sit with the discomfort instead of running from it. I can find all sorts of ways to justify running, but they are telling me that none of them are valid. The funny thing is that I stayed in my marriage way too long even though I knew it was time to leave but I would leave jobs at the drop of a hat.
The funny thing is that I have been better about not leaving jobs since John and I split up, but the instincts are often still there just like they are now. I'm going to choose to trust them.
Book; Follow your gut, do not tarry, make your move, acting on a decision, fear of poverty, boredom
Guidance: Don't spoil things over boredom
I'm feeling so lost and lonely right now. I want a simple life with someone who loves me. The problem is that this is not a decision I can make. I have to be passive and that's hard.
January 25, 2017
I've realized over the past year or so that I do not have to be passive in my search for love and I do not have to do the stupid online dating sites either. My job is simply to open myself up for love by eliminating the things standing between me and love. Those things include emotional clutter such as anger and resentment and physical clutter. I'm working on letting go of the emotional baggage and taking steps to meet new people. Those are very positive steps I can make. I'm also working on forgiveness and letting go of the anger. My anger can eat me up sometimes as I think John and my mother both screwed me up, but holding on to that anger serves no useful purpose. I need to let go of the anger, learn the lessons, and move on.
|Gilded Tarot--Two of Wands
I'm not truly sure what to make of this card. My logic tells me to walk away from F because he will never walk away from his situation. But my heart says to wait, but waiting is freaking lonely. However, I'm not really thrilled about the thought of expending energy to get to know anyone else. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of being comfortable opening up emotionally to F. and trusting that he won't hurt me and I don't think I want to do the emotional work of getting to know and trust someone else.
Oddly enough, I'm comfortable being alone right now. Although there are days when I'm lonely, I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin and that's a very good thing. As I embark on this year of love, I also know that whatever is right for me will work out and I'm going forward with complete trust.