Tarot Blog Hop: Master List

Here is the master list.

Sacred Healing

Quiet Bonnie

Tarot of Change

Messages from Lore

Tarot and Stars

What is being sacrificed

Note:  Yesterday, today, and the next three days will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question:  What is being sacrificed?

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Union, happiness

Dark Goddess First Impressions:  Oh no, how can I be sacrificing love

Book: Linked in a union of love, two hearts complimenting one another

Dark Goddess Book:  Faithless love, sacrificing yourself, eternal desire

Guidance:  Celebrate love

Dark Goddess Tarot

Dark Goddess Guidance:  Allow yourself to yearn deeply, be honest with yourself about what you love, open your heart, release expectation

Journaling

My initial reading of this was that I was being asked to sacrifice my desire for love which sent me into a very dark place as it made me feel that the gods were telling me that I was not worthy of love.  However, I also know that this is a very touchy subject for me and that I had to sit with the card for a bit and figure out what it was trying to to tell me.  As I've reflected and meditated on this card over the last few days, I'm realizing that what I'm being asked to sacrifice is not my desire for love, but the walls that I've put up to keep me from opening my heart to love.  I look around my office / meditation room which has goddess art on the walls and is where I am most at home and I realize when I look at the book piled around that I've barricaded myself and put up so many barriers to protect my heart that there is no way in the current circumstances I can truly be open to love.  And it isn't just the physical barriers either, I've also got a crazy job that keeps me way too busy and I'm in school so there is no time for love.

Lorelei asks me to be honest with myself about I yearn for and what I want in my life and I'm realizing that I need to define what I want in order to define it.  I spent the first 50 years of my life believing that I was nothing if I was not in a relationship and I've spent the last three years realizing that I am pretty amazing by myself and that I do not need someone else to validate my right to exist.  However, with the realization that I'm okay just the way I am has come a fear of losing that self love by entering into a relationship.  My marriage was disastrous and in some ways I lost my soul and I am terrified of that happening again.  I do not think I could survive.

Interestingly enough, a few days before I drew this card, I pulled the Two of Swords from Tarot de St. Croix and the message there was all about putting down my swords and opening my heart.  Those are difficult messages for me as I'm really afraid of being hurt and the only surefire way that I know to protect myself is to keep my shields up.  However, that keeps me trapped in the eight of swords prison and that's not where I want to be.

Gratiudes

I'm grateful for getting my paper done

I'm grateful for having a low key day

I'm grateful for getting a small walk in

I'm grateful for the beautiful weather

I'm grateful for the good weekend with Cam

Tarot Blog Hop: What is my Harvest and How Do I Find It?

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For this Tarot Blog Hop, our fearless Wrangler Maureen Aisling Duffy-Boose asked us to contemplate the question of What Is My Harvest and How Do I Find It?  She said, "The Autumn Equinox, also known as Mabon, is the focus of collecting one's personal harvest, including what you have learned, what you have decided is important and what you have decided to get rid of, your plans for making productive use of the autumn and winter months, including thoughts of the holidays that fall within this time, and your own personal viewing and self-exploration of your own inner Being. How have you changed, what are you beginning, and what have you completed, and most significantly, how have you begun to further and more deeply understand your Self?"   I chose to use the Herbcrafter's Tarot by Latisha Guthrie and Joanna Powell Colbert to answer these questions for body, mind, and spirit:

• What do I need to know about the current condition of my (Body, Mind, Spirit) that I am not aware of right now? (Current Condition)
• What is the most important thing on which I need to focus in the realm of my (Body, Mind, Spirit) as I move into the winter months? (Most Important)
• What is the main content and context of the harvest of better health, new ideas, or deeper spiritual resonance, allied with Body, Mind, or Spirit,  that I am going to receive if I focus on these things? (Harvest to Receive)

Body

Current Condition
Horsetail (Ten of Earth) tells me that I am safe and secure and that I need to connect with all that I have been given.  The message I'm receiving as I'm sitting here in my beautiful house is that there is beauty all around me and that I have been given many blessings.   Horsetail also tells me that my body is stronger than I think, but that I need to look to my ancestors for lessons and learn from them.  This is an interesting lesson as what immediately springs to mind is that I need to let go of my sugar cravings and really start to listen to my body.  My mother's family used sugar to number their emotions and their feelings and I need to let go of the sugar so I can really get in touch with who I am and what my body really needs.

Most Important
Alfalfa (Ten of Air) tells me that I need to let go of old body images and things that no longer serve me.  I also need to take time to rest and rejuvenate.  One of the hardest lessons of Alfalfa is to let go of what no longer serves me.  Alfalfa is reminding me that body is not just my physical body, but it is also about my environment and I need to take a critical look at my house and environment and determine what I really need and what can be let go of.  Too much clutter leads to being overwhelmed and staying in a state of chaos.  By letting go of things, I can free up room in my life for what really matters.

Harvest to Receive
Thyme (Madre/Queen of Fire)--Letting go of that which no longer serves me will help meto be present in my body and to live a more physical life.  This means opening myself up to the wonders of the herbs, the wonders of my body, and the wonders of the physical realm.  Life really does occur on all three realms and if I can bring myself back to your body, by shedding that which no longer serves my, my life will become rich and full.  Best of all I will learn to embrace and love my own body.  This was an interesting message as it mirrored the message above which tells me that when I am able to shed the things that no longer  serve me, my life will become richer and fuller.

Mind 

Current Conditions
Plantain (Ace of Water)--Plantain is telling me that my heart is pulling me in the direction of my soul and that I desperately want to listen to my heart, but that my mind is overruling my heart.  Plantain is also telling me that fear is not a valid reason for not listening to the message of my heart.  I'm buying into the fact that the fear feels real even though it isn't.  I'm being asked to step back and feel my feelings without acting upon them.  Anytime I think about leaving a corporate job, I'm hearing my parents telling me that I need security so I redicate myself to a job that I'm good at, but that is sucking up my soul.  I need to step back and accept that the fear is not real and be thankful for all of the skills I have learned in my corporate job.

Most Important
Mullein (Air of Fire)--This is another call urging me to take action and move to a life of soul and purpose.  I'm being asked to seek inspiration and find courage.  This is also another card that is asking me to seek guidance from my ancestors and initially that seems strange to me, but my guides are whispering that I need to look beyond my physical ancestors to the ancestors of my heart and soul and to find the wild women who inspire me.  To call upon Boudicaa, to call about Frida Kahlo, and to call upon other wild women who lived their lives out loud.

Harvest to Receive
Yucca (Adelito of Earth)--This is yet another card of honoring the ancestors and this card is asking me to be creative and unique in how I honor the ancestors.  What I love about this particular card is that it is showing a young woman crafting a Bridget's Cross with a Yucca plant which is drawing a connection between traditions.  I have always been a bridge between something or another and this card is calling upon me to bridge traditions and apply old knowledge in new ways.  One of the ways that I'm being asked to do this is to apply what I know about the world of spirit to the more mundane world and help people find a new way of looking at the world.

Spirit

Current Conditions
Sweetgrass (Curandero of Earth)--This is an interesting card as it is about love and community, but I am truly a very solitary person, but the message I am getting is that I am more of the community than I know.  I am part of the global community of spirit and I can choose to deepen those ties by sharing my gifts more deeply with the community.

Most Important
Echinacea (Three of Air)--Acknowledging and sitting with my sorrow is what will help me heal.  The pain that I have experienced in the past will lead me to be able to help and guide others.  Our pain is meant to be shared, but that doesn't mean we leave it with others, it means that as we share it, the earth will absorb it.  We tend to either want to dump all over people or to not share with people and either way is inappropriate.  The message I am receiving is to learn to listen with an open heart, but not take people's pain.  I can help them ground and help them dissipate their pain, but my role is not to absorb it.

Harvest to Receive
Ocotillo (Adelito of Water)--Nurture your heart through love and beauty, but know that giving your whole heart indiscriminately can head to heartbreak.  Learn to be discriminating and learn to listen with your heart and your head.

Summary

This was my very first time using the Herbcrafter's Tarot and I was impressed by the reading it gave me especially because I have been contemplating moving from a corporate job to something more heart based.  This pull gave me a lot to think about and reflect upon.

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Deliberate Draw: Ace of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Harvest, Sun, of the earth

Book: Expression of abundance

Guidance:  Begin a new project with confidence knowing that it will grow to its fullest potential and flourish

Journaling

I've been getting a lot of messages about new projects lately and about starting new endeavors, but I don't know what those new endeavors are.  I know that there is a part of me that is being called to work more intimately with individuals instead of with organizations, to truly minister to the needs of people instead of just helping big corporations make money.  However, I don't know what that looks like, if it take the form of teaching, the form of online teaching, the form of working at a university, I just don't know exactly what it looks like.

What I do know is that there is change in the air and that I'm going to be called on to serve in a different and more unique way.  I don't know exactly what that is yet, but I do know that it is coming as I feel an excitement in the air as my life will more closely align with my heart's purpose.  It may be just learning to look at what I already do differently or it may mean a change of pace.  All I know from my work and my personal experience is that I need to open my heart to the change and be open to whatever comes my way.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the safe drive

I'm grateful for the funny conversation with Cam

I'm grateful that my meetings went well

I'm grateful for the candy

I'm grateful for Jamie's smiles

I'm grateful I got to sleep late

I'm grateful I got some work done on my workshop reflection paper

I'm grateful I got some work done on my taroting

Deliberate Draw: The Star

First Impressions:  The beauty of the night sky, being covered by mama's love

Book:  Hope for your dreams to manifest, time of renewal and inspiration

Guidance:  Relax, be at peace, and all will be well

Journaling

There is something magical about sitting outside around a bonfire with the stars high above.  It is as if the stars above are reflected in the bonfire.  Bonfires also  invite shared intimacies and the sharing of secrets.  It was a wonderful day as we woke up late, went to the store to get a few groceries, spent some time lazing around, then went hiking.  The hike was funny because neither dog was terribly thrilled with the idea of walking in nature.  Both of them gingerly picked their way over the trail and periodically stopped to cry and whine.  Wendy especially whined when Clark and Cam got too far ahead of us.  She is such a loving little soul as she truly loves her people and wants to make sure they are close.

I love the darkness and the feeling of infinity that the night sky brings.  It is as if all my hopes and dreams can come true and as if there is nothing that can stop me from achieving my dreams.  In the darkness, there is mystery and magic and all the obstacles of the day are shrouded.  I know that the night can also cover up evil and hide wrong doing, but for me there is magic and possibility in the night time that doesn't always exist in the light.  Nighttime and bonfires are especially magical when there is just a little bit of a chill in the air and the magic of fall is starting to creep up on you. 

When I sit around a campfire at night, I'm taken back to my lives before this one, when I was a shaman and the night and the bonfire were the distraction.  We talked, we laughed, and we shared.  We needed to be around the fire in order to be safe as many believed that the night held scary mysteries and not comforting warmth.  As I sat by the fire with Cam, I felt myself slip away to that far away lifetime when I was part of a community and not part of the world.  I think that we have lost something as the world has gotten smaller and we live in a global community instead of a community that clusters around a campfire to keep the monsters of the night away.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the walk in the woods

I'm grateful for sleeping late

I'm grateful for working on the fenced in porch

I'm grateful for snuggling with both dogs

I'm grateful for watching Wendy run in the water

I'm grateful for the deep sleep I got

I'm grateful for Wendy's funny little noises

Ten of Cups

August 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Happiness, raising a toast

Book: Celebrating

Guidance: Emotional contentment, a card of appreciation and gratitude

Journaling

I chose this card because it was so nice to have dinner with Scott and to just hang out and talk about all that is going on in life.  It's nice to have people in my life who understand me and who get why I behave the way I do.  We talked a lot about why I'm upset and he asked me a very deep question when he asked me why I thought there was going to be a bad outcome.  I said that the Brock Turner case was on my mind and that I was upset because I was being asked to trust 12 people to make a decision.  However, he reminded me that there was a possibility that it could go well.

At the end of the day, a lot of what I'm feeling is powerlessness and it's not something that I'm comfortable with.  I don't like to not be in control and there are a lot of areas in my life where I am in control and where I get to drive what happens.  However, there are also situations where I have to trust others and those situations make me very uncomfortable.  When I'm put in a position of being asked to trust someone, I get upset and I get defensive, angry, afraid, etc.  I start lashing out at even the people who want to help me because I am afraid.  However, when I finally start hurting enough or when I have a moment of clarity, I remember that I don't have to trust everyone.  I have to trust my guides.  I have to turn it over to them and trust them to do the right thing.  Once I do that it is as if all the anger is out of me and I've deflated.  Then I can be filled back up with good things.

What's interesting about this is that Scott pulled the seven of pentacles in the Vision Quest which is a card of depletion and not a card of waiting or harvest.  Interestingly, I didn't think of it at the time but depletion is what I feel when I let all that anger and stress go.  I feel as if all the negativity has escaped out of me and I feel like I am depleted, but in a good way.  He also pulled the Shaman card and that is a card of power.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good conversation with Darshan and his decision

I'm grateful for dinner with Scott

I'm grateful for leaving work on time

I'm grateful for staying at a different hotel than the team

I'm grateful for yummy Spanglish

I'm grateful for the beautiful weather

I'm grateful for fresh fruit

I'm grateful to have money in the bank

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June 22, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Happiness, Joy as a family, sticking together

Book:  Deep satisfaction that comes from finding your path in life, fulfillment, joys of familial love, simple pleasures of domestic life

Guidance:  Take a moment to appreciate your life, your home, and your loved ones, open your heart, dance with the universe, and feel the love that pours forth for you

Journaling

Today was a happy family day.  We hung out together in the morning, then went and had dinner with Sean for Cam's birthday.  We just had Jimmy John's but being together was nice.  We also spent a lot of time playing with the doggos today and just hanging out with them.  There was nothing big or bold that happened today, but it was a nice comfortable day.  I'm learning that sometimes the best days or the days when we just enjoy each other's company and are there for each other.  Cam had a meltdown today because she is having flashbacks and working through stuff, but because I was in a good head space, I was able to listen and be there for her.  Just being there for someone else is such a powerful thing and to know that there are people there for me is very powerful.  I might get really irritated with the kids sometimes, but I love them and I'm happy I'm able to provide for them.

After Seano got home from work, we had cake (again) and opened Cam's presents.  She was so happy with what we got her and so grateful.  I'm glad I can give my kids things that they want for presents and that they appreciate it.  It isn't about having the money to buy expensive things, but it is taking the time to get the things that people want.  I think that's key for me is truly having people listen and take the time to get things that matter.  John never really listened to what people wanted and chose gifts that he thought people wanted.  He also always had intense drama and every occasion ended up being around him.

It is just nice to have a calm and peaceful life.  We don't always get along, but we are able to work through our issues instead of resorting to anger and hate.  That's a nice place to be in.

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April 16, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Emotional stability, peace, family harmony

Book:  Happy, family, contentment, lasting happiness, perfect love, card of the heart's desire

Guidance:  You have gained great joy from life

Journaling

I'm not sure what this card means for me as I'm not satisfied with my life and it feels empty and lonely.  I mostly like my job, but am annoyed about certain people's attitudes.  Joe pissed me off today.  Why should we do training material when they are going with someone else for OCM.  That is ludicrous.  If they want all our materials, they can damn well pay for it.  There are days I get so frustrated at work and I feel as if I'm swimming upstream.  And I have to admit that there are days I wonder if it is even worth it.

Maybe this card is a reminder to keep the faith that I can have what I want.  I just need to trust.  Trust is so hard for me.  I always assume that people have the worst intentions.  Maybe I need to start trusting that people do have my best interests at heart. 

Dearest Ones,

Please help me to open my heart and trust.  Please help me to believe that people have good intentions instead of always assuming the worst.

Blessings, Raine

December 29, 2018 Review

Wow!  I completely missed what this card was trying to tell me.  It was telling me that I have an amazing family and that I am truly loved and that instead of focusing on what is wrong with my life, I should focus on the positives.  I have been doing a lot better at doing that lately and I know that it is because I write down my gratitudes  every day, I do a weekly recap, and I pull a card every day.  I also know that a lot of it is due to the fact that I have been reading a lot of spiritual literature.  I've been working to focus on the positives in life and in the world instead of getting weighed down by the negativity.

However, even though I am seeing the positive changes, I also know that I still obsess and I still spend a lot of time focused on the negative and on what is wrong with life.  I need to let go of the negative and start really focusing on what's right in life.  I need to let go of my anger and angst over John.  What he does or does not do is really none of my business.  I need to let go and let him succeed or fail on his own.  I also have to trust that I have provided Sean with as much guidance as I possible can and that he will ask for help and guidance if he needs it.  It is hard to let go, but that's really what I need to do in order to be happy in my own life.

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April 20, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Family, enjoyment

Book:  Celebrate life's rewards, unconditional joy, being grateful for the good stuff, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not lose yourself in the celebration, maintain inner equilibrium, learn new lessons through joy and bliss

Affirmation;  I am grateful

Journaling

I love the ten of cups as it celebrates coming to fruition and having all the good stuff that life has to offer.  The last few years have truly helped me to realize what love is and to open myself up to unconditional love.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Love unconditionally.  Accept imbalance.  Accept being weak.  Let people take care of you.  Be vulnerable.

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December 2, 2016

Ten of Cups
Gilded Tarot

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family.  Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.

Book:  Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration

Journaling:

This card is such a confirmation of the work I've done.  For the most part I am happy and content with my life.  I do want someone to love, but I've been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc.  The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean.  Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad.  I know I can't say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.

December 28, 2017

I hate it when I write something and put no context around it.  I'm not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn't matter.

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May 13, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Overshelmed by the world.  Feeling as if I am constantly battling and life is incredibly difficult.  Feeling overwhelmed.  Death versus life seems front and center.

Book:  Overwhelmed by emotion an feeling like a martyer.

Journaling

I am feeling like a martyer as I feel likie I give and give and give and get nothing in return.  It seems as if the kids just take, take, take, and I don't know how to stop it.  I need to find a way to set clear boundaries for them.  I also know that I want life to be settled now and that isn't realistic.  I need to let life take its course.  In the scope of things, I haven't been moved all that long and I just need to trust the universe.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

When I am realistic about when I wrote this, I realize that it was written about six months after we had moved and the kids still weren't settled yet.  When we moved, I had a job that I kept but the kids had to settle in, find jobs, etc.  It wasn't really realistic to expect them to be settled and in a place where they could contribute.  Things are much better now and although I still feel like I do a lot of heavy lifting, that's changing.

Page of Swords

August 12, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Learning, knowledge, intellectual

Book:  Harmonious symmetry

Guidance:  Open your mind to new ideas, messages come through learning that are a catalyst for change

Journaling

Meeting Heather was such a godsend because it was so much easier to show up since I had already met someone.  I was also thrilled to see such an amazing group gather.  Today was truly a day about opening my mind to new ideas and realizing how intellectual learning stimulates my emotional learning.  I was also so pleased that there were people who were actually interested in my background and thought that I had something to contribute.

What is so amazing is that it truly does feel as if I'm found my niche where I belong and where I can actually add value to the world.  I think part of what I'm feeling right now is that I'm not learning, growing, and adding unique value to the world.  Being at this conference was truly all about learning and figuring out new pathways.  I don't know what those new pathways are yet, but I do know that I'm definitely changing.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for people being interested in my background

I'm grateful for being included in the Qualitative Research Group

I'm grateful for being in such a beautiful space

I'm grateful for all the great information

I'm grateful for the awesome hummus place that Clam and I went to for dinner

I'm grateful for getting a good night's sleep

I'm grateful for Jeanette

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August 4, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Arrogance, facing the future

Book:  Intelligent and insightful, discovering what is hidden, not afraid to speak the truth

Guidance:  Tailor your talent to the world of human reality

Journaling

The meaning on this card makes me smile as I sometimes race ahead of everyone else and am left looking back waiting for them to catch up.  This card serves as a reminder that I live in the human realm and I need to be kind and to help others along instead of racing ahead of everyone else because I can.  My job generally helps me with that as I get a reminder on every project what it is like to be back at the beginning and starting over. 

The page of swords also serves as a reminder that learning can be fun and that it can be amazing to jump into a pool of new knowledge and learn something new.  We often get so caught up in being the smartest person in the world that we forget what it is like to have beginner's mind and start from the beginning. 

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the yummy Spanglish and flirting with the guy behind the counter
I'm grateful for the safe drive to Chicago
I'm grateful that the Delta fixed my reservation for me
I'm grateful that it was a nice day for a drive
I'm grateful for driving down State Street with my top down
I'm grateful for seeing the beautiful moon

The World

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Swords

First Impressions:  Cold logic, choosing logic over intuition

Book:  Born statesman, keen intellect, brilliant strategist, just but not merciful, despises everything that sounds emotional, can get wrapped up in his power

Guidance:  Act with authority, do not allow your head to overrule your heart

Journaling

My immediate thought on choosing this card is that logic is a cold place to live and that living only in logic leaves us in a voice devoid of love, romance, and all the amazing things that life has to offer.  However, in order to live in a life of beauty, wonder, and intuition we have to open our hearts to trust our intuition, ourselves, and other people and I am struggling to trust right now.  My bosses at work have made a decision that I don't believe is in my best interest and I've conveyed my concerns and people I trust will advocate for me, but that means I have to rely on others to essentially fight my battles for me and that is a difficult position to be in.

However, as I look at this card, I realize that I spend a lot of time living in the land of the king of swords as I choose to look at things through a veil of a warped type of logic and not operate from a position of trust.  This is a cold way to live, but I am terrified to trust my life to others.  I'm terrified to trust that others actually have my best interests at heart.  It also seems like no one can every prove enough that they have my best interest at heart.  One of the things I am realizing as I go through this situation is that not only am I struggling to trust others, I'm also struggling to trust myself.  My judgement on John was so flawed and I spent 22 years being stomped on over and over that it is hard to trust my judgement about other people.  I find it easier to trust myself about my future than to trust others in relation to my future.

Maybe I need to accept this as an opportunity to learn to trust and to let go of all my fear about other people screwing me over.  Maybe I just need to keep focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and let it all work itself out.  I also have to remember the question of whether I would rather be right or happy?  This guy seems to be right, but he certainly doesn't look happy.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful Sean is on his way home

I'm grateful I'm home this week

I'm grateful for the peaceful house

I'm grateful for cuddling with Wendy

I'm grateful for the yummy strawberry sorbest

I'm grateful for sleeping in my own bed

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Cups

First Impressions:  Icy, emotional control, heartless

Book:  Hidden emotions, worldly and suave, unwillingness to be vulnerable

Guidance:  Open your heart

Journaling

Another card that is right on the money as I am still struggling to be open and vulnerable.  It is much easier to say F* you and walk away than to trust people enough to open up and be vulnerable and let them in.  In my head, I know that loving with an open heart means opening up and being willing to be vulnerable, but in practice I still struggle with it.  I do a good job with Scott and with Kyle, but it takes me a long time to actually get to know people and to truly let them in.  I think my experience with X has also hurt me more than I know as I trusted him and shared his secrets and he's been so distant lately.  However, in my heart I know that is more a matter of unfulfilled expectations than a true breach of trust.  In realty, he has done nothing to hurt me, but be busy with his own life.

The other issue is that I am struggling to control my raging Scorpio personality.  My personality is scorched earth and take no prisoners and when I feel like I am slighted, I either want to destroy the other person, freeze them out, or just ghost them.  Those are the extremes within my soul and it is really hard for me to come to a more temperate approach.  I think that drives some of my personal problems at work as well as I am so passionate about what I do and I want to do it well and when I feel like my efforts are not appreciated, my default mechanism is to say F* you and walk away.  I can't just bring part of myself to work, I'm either all in or all out.

I think that's why in my heart of hearts I'd rather own my online business where I can call the shots and I can say F* you if I don't get my way.  I'm not sure if there is a solution to this, but I will continue to meditate on it, work on it, and do my best.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for taking a nap

I'm grateful for air conditioning

I'm grateful for a yummy dinner with Cam

I'm grateful for Bai

I'm grateful for Scott

Draw from a Friend: Should I Stay or Should I go

Background:  Work has been tortuous lately and I have been feeling unappreciated and undervalued and I'm wondering if the time has come to move on out and seek a place that more values my efforts.  My flight response is really strong and if it was left to me and I had no one to support, I would have already said F* you, I'm walking out.  However, I do have other people to support and all the cards I've been pulling lately have been about patience and trust so my actions to move on are being restrained.  I reached out to a friend to ask him to pull a few cards for me and he ended up with the draw below.

Instinctively, we both believe that my best course of action is to stay and that that is what our guides and the cards are telling me, but I decided to go ahead and break things down and look at each card individually to get a deeper meaning.

Six of Fire (Wands)--At its essence, this is the victory card and it is about taking the steps you've been longing to take for a while.  If I was reading this on the surface, I could read it as either taking the right steps to move on and make a break.  However, the LWB also says, "Your growing ability to be patient and let things happen of your own accord is the sweetest fruit of your worldly success."  That sentence tells me that I will be rewarded and enjoy victory by continuing to be patient.

Ace of Water (Cups)--The ace of water is about fertility, about opening up and sharing your feelings.  It is a card of fulfillment and openness.  When I read this in connection with all the other messages I've been getting this week, this tells me that I need to be respectfully honest about my feelings and speak up.  It goes along with the guidance that Ted gave me this week about saying, "I feel..." As he said, no one can argue with that.  The key is not getting into You messages and sticking with I messages.  I messages are really hard when I'm wound up.

Nine of Air (Swords)--This card is pretty hard, but realistic.  It is all about hurt, vengefulness, suffering, and the inability to forgive myself or others.  It is telling me that it is time to let the old wounds heal and move on.  This in combination with all the other cards this week that told me it was time to let go of the past and to open my heart and trust is telling me that it is me holding this up.  I stated my case, now I have to trust that it is all going to work out okay.  I need to trust that the people I work with believe in me and value the work I do.  Right now that is hard because I am all caught up in feeling trapped and untrusting, but I need to open up my heart and trust.  Not an easy thing to do, but something I need to do in order to move on.

Knight of Air (Swords)--Ugg!  Another card that is pounding the point home that I need to let go of old messages and old thoughts.  Specifically, "With unflinching clarity you have to recognize struggling with your own inner world, your own phantoms, projections, and identifications will get you nowhere.  I have to let go of the ruminations and trust that it will all work out.  I need to add D and J to my list of loving kindness meditations and trust that it is all going to be okay.

Transformation (Death)--And I am being pounded over the head again!  This card is about transformation and letting go of old patterns.  This card says to not waste energy trying to stop the inevitable and that "you are simply ready to let go of unnecessary baggage."  It's time for me to put down my shields and trust people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy.

Four of Air (Swords)--This card says that "Doing nothing is most helpful at this point."  In other words, it is time for me to just focus on the work that is in front of me and let everything play out around me.  I need to focus on my workie work, I need to focus on writing, I need to focus on school.  I need to let go of all the drama swirling around me.  I just need to let it all go.  Focusing on the drama and feeding the drama is preventing me from moving on.

Four of Water (Cups)--This card is about feeling the abundance that you have and about being grateful for that abundance.  This card also reminds you that satisfaction can be fleeting and that there is also a period of emptiness, but that emptiness leads to fullness.  Sometimes you have to let go of something to make room for something else.

Summary

With another deck and with other circumstances, I might have been able to read this as it was time for me to leave and move on to something else.  However, when I read this in the context of the other readings and with the messages both Scott and I got from our guides, the message is clear that it is in my best interests to stay.

Judgement

July 25, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance, fairness, weighing things

Book:  You are ripe for transformation, reckoning with the past

Guidance:  Open your eyes to a while new way of life, heed the call to be born into a more meaningful existence

Journaling

This is an interesting card to pull today because I'm in a position where I am being asked to trust management to deal with a horrible situation and I don't know if I trust them.  Our project team is so dysfunctional it isn't funny.  We have people refusing to talk to people, people making snotty comments about the client in the client's building, and a whole host of bad behavior.  And it's being driven by someone high up in the food chain's behavior.  It's making it so that I don't even want to go into the office anymore because of all the bullshit.

I talked to a VP in the organization today and he said that management was going to take care of it and to let them handle it.  That puts all of my hackles up because I don't really trust anyone to do right by me and take care of things.  I especially don't trust people to make things right after I've spoken up. My assumption is that speaking up is going to get me in trouble so I should just flee.  I know that isn't the right thing to thing, but my mind immediately goes into flight mode and if I get really pinned into a corner I will come out fighting.

This goes back to both my childhood, past job experiences, and my marriage.  In my childhood, I never spoke up about being bullied because I was afraid of the backlash.  And when I worked for the military and I spoke out against a first amendment violation, I was arrested.  Of course, since I was pushed beyond my comfort zone, I escaped and assaulted a police officer. Since my divorce, it has been hard for me to trust anyone, especially when I started realizing the depths of Charlene's behavior and how she essentially set me up for my bad marriage.  I was devastated and I was hurt so badly on so many levels, that I learned it became easier to walk away than to stay and learn and grow.  

 I'm in a place now where life is good and for the most part I'm happy, but I'm being asked to trust people and I don't want to.  I want to say fuck it and walk away.   The only thing that is keeping me in my seat is that the people I am working with have proven trustworthy to date and they have for the most part done right by me.  That doesn't mean I don't feel uncomfortable and every bone in my body wants to run away.  Sitting here and trusting is incredibly hard for me.

The fact that this is Anubis is deeply significant for me because I trust Anubis with my life.  He has always been there for me.  He has always protected me.  And he has always guided me.  The fact that I chose Anubis today is significant as it means that choosing to trust will move me to the next realm.  I do not want to trust.  I thought I had grown and changed and that I'd never have to feel these growing pains again, but they are telling me there is sill more to learn.  I think it is time to set up an Anubis altar and sit with the discomfort.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the support I got from Ted

I'm grateful I got home on time

I'm grateful for laughing with Cam

I'm grateful for sleeping in a cool room

I'm grateful for the weather being nice

I'm grateful for a good call with Michelle

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October 19, 2016

Deck:   Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck, not moving on

Book:  Denial of inner calling, stagnation, procrastination, fear of change, feeling as something is dying, arrived at the wrong conclusion, greater focus on spirituality, complacency

Guidance:  Don't try to change others, take action to move forward

Journaling

One of the things I'm realizing is that I have to drop the weight.  It is literally killing me.  A big part of the problem is that my life sucks so much that I don't care if I live or die.  I really need to change my attitude and ask for help.  The message I got is that instead of asking for love to ask for health and the love will come.

May 25, 2018  Review

I'm still not doing so well with taking care of my health and there are a lot of days where  feel like I am committing suicide by sugar as I cannot let go of my need for coca-cola.  It feels as if I need it to start and continue my day.  I'm also not exercising very much at all and I feel it in my bones.  I think part of the problem is that I have a serious and chronic sinus infection, which affects my sleep, which affects my energy level, etc.  It is a whole vicious circle.  I've gone back to taking the d-hist and I have to say that I am actually starting to feel a lot better.  The next step is to get a new air filter for my room as the other one seems to have given up the ghost.  I know that the D-Hist and the air filter seriously changed my life before because I started feeling so much better.

The other thing I need to do is find a local acupuncturist because acupuncture helped me so much.  However, I'm realizing that maybe I'm not wanting to find a new acupuncturist out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Kyle.  However, he would want me to move on and start feeling better.  I'm going to call and make an appointment tomorrow.

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September 19, 2016

Deck;  Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions:  The people are naked and although it is supposed to be a family, they all seem very young.  The cloud by the angel is pink.  The people seem to be waving to the angel.  I don't know if they are just saying hi or if there is more to it than that.  This card is about a reckoning and reawakening.

Book:  Awakening, realization, rebirth, call to change, and decision making.


Guidance:  Listen to your heart

Journaling

Awakening is an odd theme for the day.  I was so exhausted yesterday that I could barely keep my eyes open.  This job is getting more and more physically wearing and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to push myself like this.  There is a large part of me that wants to get a job in town, but I'm kind of afraid of what that would look like.  I think I need to do some research and see if I could make that work.

December 22, 2017 Review

It's been over a year since I originally wrote that and I've switched jobs, but am still traveling.  I'm feeling somewhat better than I did then and am not as exhausted all the time.  However, I've also realized that I really need to pay attention to my physical health and be cognizant of when it is getting to be too much or me and step back.  I don't always do a great job of that, but it's a lesson I do need to learn.

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May 11, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Awakening, Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, not open to new things, reluctant to change

Journaling

Am I stuck in my ways and unwilling to trust spirit  Am I so afraid that they won't provide that I am standing in my own way?  All the cards lately have been about trust and about letting go.  I need to let go of the past.  I need to let go of expectations.  I need to trust them.  I can't control whether or not X loves me.  I can't control whether or not I get this job.  I can't control the kids and I can't control Gateway.

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Cups

First Impressions:  Saying f* it and walking away, being fed up

Book: Questing, life dragging us down, weary to the bone, empty vessels drained of our enthusiasm, heart's yearning for deeper meaning

Guidance:  Begin a spiritual quest, take time alone, be more present with your inner life

Journaling

This card just reminded me of where I'm at today as I just want to say F* it and walk away from this stupid project.  Nobody is getting along and we're not getting anything done.  I truly due feel as if life is dragging me down and I am weary to the bone.  However, the reality of it is that I can choose to take it personally or I can choose to let it roll off my back.  I do not have to own any of the drama that is going on.  I can just choose to let it all slide off my back. Managing the consultants is not my job, but when I choose to take ownership of it, I am the one that suffers because I get all swirly and I get caught up in the drama.  My project manager needs to own the situation and she needs to step up to the plate and kick butt. 

I just need to focus on what I need to get done and expend my energy on the things that I am responsible for.  That includes capturing all the changes that Gartner created and getting them input into SharePoint and on to the Org Impact Analysis.  That is what I am responsible for.  I'm not responsible for what the functional team does or does not due.  I am only responsible for my own little corner of the world and the sooner I remind myself of that, the better I will feel.  I just need to focus on my stuff.

In my personal life, I'm doing a much better job of that and of not getting so caught up and swirly about all the stuff that is going on.  I read an amazing book about the Sabbath over the weekend and it put it into context for me.  it was a good reminder that the Sabbath is supposed to be a time out of time.  It is all about setting aside one day to just be.  To just think, pray, enjoy, and be.  It is about letting go of work for a period of time and just being.  I was actually able to do that this weekend and it felt really good.

Gratitudes

Phone charger fixed my issue

Yummy Poke for dinner

Wendy & Clark had a good day with the kids

Snuggles from Wendy this morning

Skyping with Cam

Flight was on time

Deliberate Draw: Seeker of Wands

First Impressions:  Lazy, desert, painful

Book:  Charmer and a flirt, unreliable, can bring energy if there are others to focus it

Guidance: Need for a change of scenery

Journaling

I'm not sure why this card called to me today because I know that I am not lazy and I know I need to steer my horse in the right direction.  Maybe it is a reminder that everything that appears lazy is not.  Most of us have been brought up to believe that sleeping late is lazy, that not working long hours is lazy, that wanting to sit and read a book instead of being outside playing is lazy.  As a result of all that haranguing and complaining, I think we were all taught that to sit and take a breath and to take care of yourself is lazy, but taking care of yourself is the farthest thing from lazy that there is.  Taking care of yourself is smart and means that we have a better life.  Life is really all about balance I and I know that there are some people who are truly lazy, however, I also know that taking care of ourselves, sleeping enough, and doing all of those things that help us take care of ourselves are not lazy.

I was reading Sabbath today and it was an amazing book about how the Sabbath is a day set in time to relax and to take care of ourselves.  We honor God and ourselves when we take time to slow down and let go of work, let go of tension, let go of anger.  There is truly a need for more downtime in this world because when we have downtime we can think and dream and bring more peace to the world.  I think one of the number one causes of stress in the world is not taking time to take care of ourselves. When we push ourselves so hard that there is no time for joy or wonder, we get angry, we get resentful, then we take it out on others.

Gratitudes

Dinner with Sean

Seeing Wendy smile on the way to the library

Sitting here and having peace

Feeling better

Goddess of the Week: Sophia

First Impressions:  Royalty, peace,

Meaning:  Wisdom, knowing yourself, tenderness and light

This card called to me as I felt calmness and tenderness radiating off of her.  Sophia speaks to me of turning inward to find wisdom and learning about who I am and applying that to the world.  What I see around me is that so many people want to change the world, but they are unwilling to do the work required to change themselves.  It seems as if it is so easy to point the finger at someone else and demand that they change instead of turning the magnifying glass inward and looking at our own actions and behaviors.  The flip side of this is knowing what I'm not responsible for and what I can't control.

The border between my behavior and others behaviors is boundaries and that's the hardest area for me.  I have a tendency to take responsibility and ownership for things that are really not my responsibility and that I shouldn't own.  That goes back to we teach people how to treat us and that if we let people walk all over us, they will continue to do that.  I learned a long time ago with my kids that I had to stop acting as if getting them to do their chores was a favor to me because that made them feel as if it was something extra that they were doing to be nice.  I've learned that I have to make them understand that this is a requirement and that if they don't do it, there will be consequences.  I'm still not perfect at it, but I'm getting there.

The same is true in work and we often don't do a good job of holding people accountable and making them understand that good behavior is not optional.  However, I think as women we are so afraid of the bitch label and we are so afraid of not being liked that we tolerate bad behavior.  My marriage taught me that it is my responsibility to stand up and call out the people who treat me badly.  I need to be the one that says that certain behavior is unacceptable and that I will not tolerate it.  Of course as a woman, people tend to label you "too emotional" or "too sensitive" when you stand up for yourself, but I don't believe demanding to be treated with respect makes me too sensitive.  I was so fed up with X the other day when he was whining about how someone had disrespected him, but the behavior he was talking about was no worse than what he'd done to me.  However, because I'm female I was being too sensitive.  That was a huge lesson to me in how men like to give women the label of too sensitive as a way to keep them down.

New Moon Spread

This spread was done based on a spread by Ellen Lorenzi-Prince's spread for Chantico the Goddess of the month.  Chantico is the goddess of the heart and the defender of the home.  She is a sun goddess and represents the nine of wands.

What is the Source of Your Inner Fire?
The source of my fire is the Red Dakini (Eight of Fire).  Interestingly enough the eight of wands was the card that I chose for today as it said fireworks to me and moving fast.  The Red Dakini's message is that it is okay to follow impossible dreams and believe in things that on the surface would not seem to be possible.  The Red Dakini is all about change and moving from one level to another.  What is interesting is that as I pursue my degree and open myself up to the possibilities of what lays beyond, I find myself so much more confident and feeling in control of my life.  I feel that I am moving with more grace and as a woman who knows her worth.  That is an amazing change that has come over me.  I also find myself knowing with deep certainty that my perfect love will come to me.

How do you use this Fire?
Tsonokwa (six of earth) tells me to give of myself and my wealth and to give freely.  The knowledge
and skills I am gaining are to be shared with others and not just stockpiled.  Tsonokwa also tells me to be courageous as I move forward.  This is so interesting because my increased confidence is also helping me to move forward with courage.  In the past, I would have said no to going back to school because of the cost or because I could see no practical way to use my degree, but my guides are telling me that I am on the right path.  I still have no idea where it will lead me, but I know I am being cared for and led and that saying yes is the right thing to do.  I'm also receiving the message that I need to also take care of myself.  I will be taken care of, but part of being taken care of is knowing what I need to take care of myself.

What protection does your fire need?
Dhomanavati (Hag of Air) tells me that my fire needs protection from illusion and from those who would put me down and not respect me.  She tells me to know I am enough all by myself and that I do not need approval from society.  I do not need someone else in my life as I am capable of taking care of myself.  However, she also tells me that it is not wrong to want someone in my life for companionship and fun.  I need to be cautious of assuming that I need someone else to take care of me.  I need to let go of what society tells me and listen to my own heart.  I also need to let go of those things that no longer serve me.

What Fuel does your fire need?
Erinye (Ten of Air) tells me that the time to be fueled by righteous indignation is past and that it is time to surrender and be led by the fates.  I love this as I am finally starting to feel that I am finding my balance between being proactive and taking control of my life and letting the fates guide me.  The lesson they gave me in Sedona eight years ago is one of the most amazing lessons I've ever been given.  Living Cairn by Cairn reminds me to look for the next right action and when I've taken that step to look for the next one.  It is an interesting way to live, but it does help stop me from excessively planning and being so caught up in planning my next move that I don't enjoy the present moment.  I'm not perfect yet, but I am definitely moving in the right direction.

What is being transformed within you?
Oh Circe (Three of Fire), you have such wisdom for me for you are all about transformation.  You are reminding me of the importance of my creativity and expressing it in all forms and in all aspects of my life.  My creativity is about the flowers I put on the table as well as the creative words I write.  You're also reminding me to dress for power and to integrate all aspects of my life.  That's interesting for me as I deliberately chose to put my little love altar in my workspace instead of my bedroom or creating a separate altar because I wanted the reminder that love needs to be part of my entire life and not segregated into a specific area.  It made sense to put it on my work altar as that is where I spend the most time when I'm home and that is where I would be most likely to see it on a regular basis.

Overall, this was a pretty interesting reading as it summed up the fact that I am becoming an independent woman who has the confidence and the wherewithal to live life on my own terms.

Deliberate Draw: Seer of Wands

First Impressions:  Bold, doing what needs to be done

Book:  Restless spirit of adolescence, ready for a change and a new challenge, frank, being daring to the point of being dangerous

Guidance: Encourage enthusiasm, nurture your own adventurous spirit

Journaling

One of the things I've learned as I've gotten older is that there is a tendency to play it safe as we get older.  We have so much to lose.  We can't just quit our jobs and go off and do what our heart is telling us to do because we'll lose our status, we'll lose the time we've invested, we'll lose all of that.  It is so much harder to be bold when you have things that you will have to leave behind.  I believe it is easier to take chances and be bold when you aren't afraid of losing all that you've worked for.  What I've been working to do is figure out how to be cautiously bold, how to move forward with the things that make me happy, while being smart about my security.  It isn't easy because my heart wants to just say F* it all, quit my job, and go back to school full time.  However, as I've matured over the years I've realized that my brain gets a vote too and my vote says we need to be secure, need to pay off the bills, etc. ,etc.

In the past, I would have said F* security, I just want to be happy.  However, I've realized that I can be secure an be happy and that moving forward with my dreams doesn't mean leaping without a net.  It may take longer to get where I want to be while working, but I will get there.  Additionally, in some ways having a full time job will pursing my dreams actually helps me pursue them because all those free hotel rooms and airline points mean that I can go to conferences that I couldn't afford if I didn't have a full time job.  When I let go of my impatience and accept that I can't have everything I want right now, I can embrace taking the slow road.  I can embrace following my dreams while still living a secure life.

I love this card because she ventures boldly out into the world without a lot of baggage, but I'm realizing that sometimes we need our baggage.  Sometimes we need our ties to other people and our past.

Nine of Cups

July 2, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Good fortune, living well, knowing what you want and going for it

Book:  Fortune is smiling on you

Guidance:  Visualize your desires and intentions

Journaling

I love this card for it says to me to be grateful and happy for what you have.  This card is about like attracting like and I have learned that the more grateful I have for what I am, the more good stuff will come into my life.  I've also learned that I need to be happy right now and not be happy when X happens.  If I wait for something external to bring me happiness, I might not every be happy because the external thing I'm waiting for may never happen.  However, if I choose to be happy right now in my messy house, with my less than perfect dogs and kids, with a job that I sometimes like and sometimes hate, I will bring more happiness into my life.

I always thought that people who said happiness was a mindset were crazy because how could they be happy when bad things were happening, but I've learned that 90 percent of the time we can choose to be happy.  We can choose to clean up the dog poop and be happy the dog loves us so much (here's looking at you Wendy!), we can choose to wash the dishes and be grateful we have food to eat, we can choose to do the boring work and be thankful that we have a job.  And if we can see the blessing in everything, more blessings will come into our lives.

The other piece of this is that if we aren't willing to do the work to change things, we don't get to complain about them.  If work isn't going so well, but we aren't willing to find a new job or change our attitude, then we don't get to complain.  All complaining does is remind us of the bad things in our life and draw more bad stuff into our life.  However, when we remind ourselves of how blessed we are, we become more blessed.

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March 22, 2018

Deck;  RWS

First Impressions:  The wish card, inviting people who haven't showed up

Book:  Card of fulfilled wishes, things are yours for the taking

Guidance:  All that you want is yours

Journaling  

I don't like this card as it always makes me think of loneliness.   feel as if the person in the card is opening his heart and no one is saying yes.  Or maybe, that is just how I see the card because I feel as if I am opening myself to love and no one is coming or responding. 

When he did my soul retrieval, Keven picked up doubt trailing me around and I guess it's true.  I have a lot of doubt about how my life is going to turn out and whether I will ever have love.  It feels as if I never will and as if I will be alone forever.  I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do.

Dearest Ones,

Please help me a guide me toward the love of my life.  Please help me find the one that is right for me.

Blessings,
Raine

December 25, 2018

It's interesting that I wrote this just nine months ago, but I feel as if I have been transformed.  I've realized that the very act of opening our hearts and welcoming people in is an act of love and kindness.  I think the problem is that I have such a binary mind (if I do this, then this has to happen), but the world is way more than binary.  I'm realizing that the act of opening my heart and loving is enough.  The world is not a quid pro quo world and that opening my heart is enough. 

I'm realizing that I need to live my life more like Clark and Wendy and less like Luke.  Luke was always hesitant and afraid that we didn't love him, even after he had been part of our life for 10 years.  Clark and Wendy, on the other hand, know that they are worthy of love despite the fact that before they came into our lives there was not much evidence of it.  They love with open hearts and that is the way I need to live my life.  I need to live my heart knowing that I am worthy of love and that if someone does not love me, that is on them and not on me.

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November 14, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Friendship

Book: Saluting comfort, abundance, and good fortune, fortune that is of good cheer, you have achieved a place of comfortable abundance

Guidance:  Be aware of the energy of the hermit to the extreme, share what you have with graciousness

Journaling

Interesting read on this card.  I love the reminder to not be the hermit as that is my preference.  I love to hide away and have my alone time.  I recharge when I am alone.  I need to find my balance between alone time and not shutting people out.  I don't know yet where that balance is.  Part of it is that I have to be so on at work that being on at home is a daunting thought.  My daughter calls it emotional labor and she's right.  I also know that in some ways it is harder than psychical labor.

November 20, 2017

I really need to work to cultivate balance in my life.  It is way too easy for me to stay in my little hermit mode and stay isolated.  I need to work harder to get out of myself as it is way too easy to stay in my little hermit shell and stay isolated.  However, the flip side is do I need to meet people, is there anything wrong with being solitary?

October 30, 2018

I think I'm doing much better at this because I am finally at a place where I've realized that it is okay to be a hermit and it is okay to be myself.  There is nothing shameful about not wanting to be around people 24/7.   John ridiculed me and made fun of me if I did not want to constantly be around people.  I think he uses people to hide from himself whereas I used to using my alone time to hide from people.  I think I'm finally at a point where I am finding balance.

It really helps knowing that how much or how little I socialize is purely my choice and is not anyone else's.  That helps me to feel a lot better and it honestly makes it easier to socialize with others.  I also am realizing that I do need people in my life, but I need to control the dosage and the method of delivery.  I want to have people I can talk to about real issues and not just have a group of people who are drinking buddies.  I think I'm starting to make progress on this front.  It's hard, but I'm getting there.

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September 29, 2016

Nine of Cups
Hanson-Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  This card shows a bartender all ready for guests, but there is no one there to drink with him.  He looks happy and welcoming.  He also has a peacock feather in his vest, which is interesting as peacock feathers are symbols of good luck in the east and bad luck in the west.  The nine of cups always strikes me as a card of friendship and good times.

Book:  Realizing a long held dream, period of emotional contentment.  It's possible someone may be missing from your life. 

Guidance:  Appreciate what you have

Journaling:

The words that struck me as I read this is that there is probably someone missing from your life.  This last week has really been about missing my mom, but I don't know how to reconnect.  The rules I choose to live by (treating people with respect, setting boundaries, and not giving unsolicited advice) are ones that make sense to me and I surround myself with people who treat me like I want to be treated.  I have no clue how to set boundaries with her because she won't respect them.  She will be hurt and see boundaries as a rejection.  Maybe I just need to think it over and then be willing to listen.

December 23, 2017

It really hurt to read what I wrote over a year ago and realize that I'm still feeling like an orphan and motherless.  It hurts to not have someone who loves me unconditionally and who will listen to me when I cry and support me.  I never have had that in my life as my entire childhood growing up I always had to be careful what I said so I didn't set her off.  I could never be honest about what was going on in my life because I would either be judged or get a lecture.  There is no one from my childhood who could just flipping listen and support without being judgemental. 

What especially ticked me off is how people would give advice even when I didn't ask for it.  My Uncle Gene had to advise me how to spend my money and that flying lessons were a waste even though I didn't ask for his advice.  And the first thing my mother said when she walked in to my new house was,  "Why'd you put that picture there?  I would have put it there."  How flipping rude and insulting is that?  The house was clean and looked really nice, but she had to find fault.  I can't do that any more in my life. 

It is one thing if someone is endangering themselves or others, but if they are making judgments that are different than mine, it is not my place to give advice.  And I would never walk in to someone's house and critique their decorating.  That is just rude.

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September 15, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions:  Interesting card.  I like how it shows the main full face right up in the camera.  I find the peacock feather interesting as that is a symbol of luck and hospitality in eastern cultures.  My initial impressions of this card are of happiness and welcoming.  It also speaks to friendship and collaboration.

Book:  Realization o a dream.  Imaginative and creative life.  Flourishing.

Guidance:  Count your blessings.  Appreciate what you have.

December 22, 2018

Oddly enough, I didn't journal on this card either.  I must have been uber busy at the time I was pulling these cards.  I like the reminder to count my blessings.  I have been working really hard to focus on the positive lately and not get bogged down in the negative.  Right now, I'm a little pissed off that we have a defect heading into the holidays and we're expected to work while on PTO to resolve it.  I understand that that is the nature of the beast, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it.