Thursday, July 25, 2019

Judgement

July 25, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: 
Balance, fairness, weighing things

Book:  You are ripe for transformation, reckoning with the past

Guidance:  Open your eyes to a while new way of life, heed the call to be born into a more meaningful existence

Journaling

This is an interesting card to pull today because I'm in a position where I am being asked to trust management to deal with a horrible situation and I don't know if I trust them.  Our project team is so dysfunctional it isn't funny.  We have people refusing to talk to people, people making snotty comments about the client in the client's building, and a whole host of bad behavior.  And it's being driven by someone high up in the food chain's behavior.  It's making it so that I don't even want to go into the office anymore because of all the bullshit.

I talked to a VP in the organization today and he said that management was going to take care of it and to let them handle it.  That puts all of my hackles up because I don't really trust anyone to do right by me and take care of things.  I especially don't trust people to make things right after I've spoken up. My assumption is that speaking up is going to get me in trouble so I should just flee.  I know that isn't the right thing to thing, but my mind immediately goes into flight mode and if I get really pinned into a corner I will come out fighting.

This goes back to both my childhood, past job experiences, and my marriage.  In my childhood, I never spoke up about being bullied because I was afraid of the backlash.  And when I worked for the military and I spoke out against a first amendment violation, I was arrested.  Of course, since I was pushed beyond my comfort zone, I escaped and assaulted a police officer. Since my divorce, it has been hard for me to trust anyone, especially when I started realizing the depths of Charlene's behavior and how she essentially set me up for my bad marriage.  I was devastated and I was hurt so badly on so many levels, that I learned it became easier to walk away than to stay and learn and grow.  

 I'm in a place now where life is good and for the most part I'm happy, but I'm being asked to trust people and I don't want to.  I want to say fuck it and walk away.   The only thing that is keeping me in my seat is that the people I am working with have proven trustworthy to date and they have for the most part done right by me.  That doesn't mean I don't feel uncomfortable and every bone in my body wants to run away.  Sitting here and trusting is incredibly hard for me.

The fact that this is Anubis is deeply significant for me because I trust Anubis with my life.  He has always been there for me.  He has always protected me.  And he has always guided me.  The fact that I chose Anubis today is significant as it means that choosing to trust will move me to the next realm.  I do not want to trust.  I thought I had grown and changed and that I'd never have to feel these growing pains again, but they are telling me there is sill more to learn.  I think it is time to set up an Anubis altar and sit with the discomfort.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the support I got from Ted
I'm grateful I got home on time
I'm grateful for laughing with Cam
I'm grateful for sleeping in a cool room
I'm grateful for the weather being nice
I'm grateful for a good call with Michelle

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October 19, 2016


Deck: 
  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck, not moving on

Book:  Denial of inner calling, stagnation, procrastination, fear of change, feeling as something is dying, arrived at the wrong conclusion, greater focus on spirituality, complacency

Guidance:  Don't try to change others, take action to move forward

Journaling

One of the things I'm realizing is that I have to drop the weight.  It is literally killing me.  A big part of the problem is that my life sucks so much that I don't care if I live or die.  I really need to change my attitude and ask for help.  The message I got is that instead of asking for love to ask for health and the love will come.

May 25, 2018  Review

I'm still not doing so well with taking care of my health and there are a lot of days where  feel like I am committing suicide by sugar as I cannot let go of my need for coca-cola.  It feels as if I need it to start and continue my day.  I'm also not exercising very much at all and I feel it in my bones.  I think part of the problem is that I have a serious and chronic sinus infection, which affects my sleep, which affects my energy level, etc.  It is a whole vicious circle.  I've gone back to taking the d-hist and I have to say that I am actually starting to feel a lot better.  The next step is to get a new air filter for my room as the other one seems to have given up the ghost.  I know that the D-Hist and the air filter seriously changed my life before because I started feeling so much better.

The other thing I need to do is find a local acupuncturist because acupuncture helped me so much.  However, I'm realizing that maybe I'm not wanting to find a new acupuncturist out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Kyle.  However, he would want me to move on and start feeling better.  I'm going to call and make an appointment tomorrow.
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September 19, 2016

Deck;  Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions:  The people are naked and although it is supposed to be a family, they all seem very young.  The cloud by the angel is pink.  The people seem to be waving to the angel.  I don't know if they are just saying hi or if there is more to it than that.  This card is about a reckoning and reawakening.

Book:  Awakening, realization, rebirth, call to change, and decision making.


Guidance:  Listen to your heart

Journaling

Awakening is an odd theme for the day.  I was so exhausted yesterday that I could barely keep my eyes open.  This job is getting more and more physically wearing and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to push myself like this.  There is a large part of me that wants to get a job in town, but I'm kind of afraid of what that would look like.  I think I need to do some research and see if I could make that work.

December 22, 2017 Review

It's been over a year since I originally wrote that and I've switched jobs, but am still traveling.  I'm feeling somewhat better than I did then and am not as exhausted all the time.  However, I've also realized that I really need to pay attention to my physical health and be cognizant of when it is getting to be too much or me and step back.  I don't always do a great job of that, but it's a lesson I do need to learn.

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May 11, 2016


Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Awakening, Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, not open to new things, reluctant to change

Journaling

Am I stuck in my ways and unwilling to trust spirit  Am I so afraid that they won't provide that I am standing in my own way?  All the cards lately have been about trust and about letting go.  I need to let go of the past.  I need to let go of expectations.  I need to trust them.  I can't control whether or not X loves me.  I can't control whether or not I get this job.  I can't control the kids and I can't control Gateway.




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