September 6, 2022
Deck: Gentle Tarot
Card Name: Nine of Stones
First Impressions: This card speaks to happiness and independence. It is about being free and believing in myself.
Book: I savor my self sufficiency. I am unstoppable.
Guidance: I honor my internal and external accomplishments
Journaling:
I know that I have done an amazing job at Nestle and that I have left a legacy. It doesn't really matter what Brian the Ass or Monica the Bitch says. I've done good work. And more importantly, I've grown and changed and I've learned so many good lessons.
I'm incredibly grateful that I've had this opportunity and that I've learned and grown. And it actually has been interesting to observe Monica because I've realized that I used to be an overbearing bitch just like her and I've moved past that and really learned to stay in my lane and not dictate how everyone else behaves. That is incredible growth and I think sometimes we need to see how other people behave badly to see how much we've grown. And Brian is really a little bullied child who thinks he is all grown up. He has no clue how to deal with strong and independent women and that's his loss.
I'm going out with my head held high and be proud of my accomplishments.
Where I'm At: I'm at home today finishing up my last work stuff. I am so ready to be done with Nestle. Some of the people there are such huge asses.
Weather: It was rainy today. The dogs didn't even want to go out.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 88%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:56/7:52
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August 20, 2022
Deck: Secrets of the Rose Tarot
Card Name: Nine of Coins
First Impressions: This card is interesting as most nine of pentacles cards show a female figure and don't show money, but show other signs of abundance.
Book: Solution, comfort, sound management of resources, income, unexpectedly good business, accomplishment
Guidance: Manage your resources well
Journaling:
I love the meaning of this as manage your resources well. Some of the resources that I have to manage are my talents and my skills and part of managing them well is to make the most of them. I realize that as I look back on my career, I have continued to do that. I've always looked for opportunities that have let me make the most of my talents from a financial perspective. I don't think I've always made the most of them from a heart perspective. However, maybe I have when I consider that my kids are my heart and I've always worked to do the best I could by them.
One of the things I'm contemplating lately is an article I read about how people are not having work friends anymore. In one way that makes sense to me and in another it doesn't. It makes sense because I just don't want to invest emotional energy in work anymore. I just don't care enough to expend emotional energy at work. However, on the other side, it is nice to have work friends to bitch about the man with. Then you aren't polluting home with that garbage.
Maybe the solution is to just learn to let it go and to not care enough to spend time bitching. Maybe I really need to learn to just let it all go.
Where I'm At: I am home and the day is just kind of foggy. Covid really has me in its grip and I am so glad that I am starting to feel better.
Weather: It rained last night and it is still rainy today. It's one of those days where you just want to snuggle in at home and not go anywhere.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 38%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:38 / 8:20
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May 14, 2022
Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: Happiness, contentment, being a free woman
Book: Satisfaction, completion, prosperity, discipline
Guidance: Resourcefulness and wisdom in action
Journaling:
I love pulling this card today because today was all about Women Power. It was claiming our power to own our bodies. For me, it is not about abortion, it is about having a choice. My abortion was difficult and painful, but I was so glad that I had the choice to choose what to do with my body. No one should be able to tell anyone what to do with their body and if Roe really gets overturned, we will have to fight like hell to get our autonomy back. And we will have to fight like hell to keep them from shoving any other bullshit laws down our throats.
I usually don't like the Nine of Pentacles because it looks as if she is trapped in a garden alone. The card usually makes me think of a gilded cage, but this card doesn't. It looks as if she is taking a few minutes for solitude and to catch her breath before she goes back to her busy day. I love that and I know what it is like to need a few minutes to catch your breath.
Where: It was a beautiful day out and Cam and I went to the Bans Off Our Bodies March today and it was awesome. It was hot out, but I stood under a tree and there was a breeze so it was not so horrible out. It was also so nice to see the blue of the lake.
Weather: It's warm outside and it's been overcast all day, but hasn't rained.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous, 96% Blood Moon Eclipse
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:06 am / 8:38 pm
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January 23, 2022
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
First Impressions: Lushness, abundance, sharing, rich life, Thay
Book: Independence, prosperity, freedom, maturity, self-discipline
Guidance: Hard work and patience result in a successful harvest
Journaling
Seeing this card made me think of Thay, Thich Nhat Hanh, who died last week. He was a teacher to the world and his loving kindness changed the world in ways that will ripple through humanity. I was pleased to see that this card actually did reflect a Vietnamese fairy tale. On the surface, this is a card of situation and reflects a person who has reached a point of having a rich life. However, what it does not reflect is the struggle and work that was required to get to this point. For most people, a rich life does not just happen as it is something you have to work at.
Thay exemplified being at peace no matter where you were. From the outside looking in, Thay lived a hard life as he was exiled from his home country and saw atrocities committed against his people by both outsiders and Vietnam's government. However, he always exuded such a sense of calm in the face of adversity. I'm sure there were days when he was down and life seemed to be spinning out of control, but he was able to overcome.
As I reflect on the card and the aloneness of the figure, I realize the lesson may be to be content and at peace with who you are. It is not about external things like money or success, it is about being grounded in your core and choosing to be at peace with yourself. That means not letting external things like the bully at work bother you. There will come a time when she is no longer in my life and I just have to let her be for now. If someone chooses to believe her lies about me, that is on her and not on me.
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September 8, 2019
Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: Peacefulness, at ease with one's self
Book: Gathering sunflowers, at peace, harvesting power to manifest
Guidance: Prosperity comes from doing the work you love, trust the universe
Journaling
The nine of pentacles is a card that I haven't always liked as sometimes it seems the woman is caged instead of at peace with herself. That's something I've been feeling more and more lately as I grow into my life and my wisdom. I still have my moments where I freak out or feel victimized, but I'm better able to step back and look at what I'm really feeling instead of what I think I'm feeling. That is a powerful way to be as all too often we let what we think we feel drive us instead of acknowledging what is at the core of our feelings. I was feeling angry and resentful today about having to fly early in the morning after the client cancelled the meeting, but I didn't want to spend the money to change the ticket. However, once I took a step back and realized that I was really upset because I knew that if I flew, I would feel awful all week, I was able to make a decision that let me take care of myself. I chose to drive and to stop part way so that I could get a good night sleep, which means I will be productive this week.
Prosperity of the heart, soul, and pocketbook does come from living a life I love, but it doesn't mean it is all about the work. One of the things I've realized is that I can have a job that I don't mind and that pays the bills and have other things that touch my soul. My ideal way of being would be to make my living doing something I love and I still hold out hope that I will get there, but in the meantime I'm working at an okay job where I am learning a lot of life lessons and I'm pursing my passions. I think that is okay to have a job that supports my passions.
The other part of this is opening up to trusting the universe to lead you down the best path and to lead you to the lessons you need to learn. It's also important to understand that sometimes the lessons are not pleasant and you need to surrender to the lessons so that you can come out the other side. All too often, I find myself fighting lessons and trying to work around them instead of surrendering to them and accepting there are lessons. When I am able to step into things and surrender, my life is so much better.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful for walking at Mohican
I'm grateful for the yummy pizza
I'm grateful for Cam and I working together to pack the car
I'm grateful for getting home safely
I'm grateful for deciding to drive instead of fly
I'm grateful for getting to Valpo safely
I'm grateful for my paycheck
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July 20, 2019
Deck: World Spirit Tarot
First Impressions: Contentment, moment of respite
Book: Successful and productive life is something to bask in, The ability to love and appreciate oneself is the ultimate success
Guidance: Learn to be content with our own company, know our own worth, take care of yourself
Journaling
The nine of pentacles is a card I've had a difficult relationship as I've traditionally viewed it as a girl in a gilded cage. She has all the treasures of the world available to her, but she's all alone except for her bird. She has always struck me as very sad and lonely. However, the World Spirit version of the Nine of Cups shows a woman who looks peaceful, content, and satisfied with her world. Unlike other versions where she seems melancholy and as if she is truly all alone, I could easily imagine the woman from the nine of cups taking a respite from a happy dinner party or after getting the kids to bed. She strikes me as a woman who has a full and complete life.
After a long and rough road, I finally feel like this is where I'm at in my life. I'm in a place where I'm happy and content. I have a beautiful home, I have a job where I'm respected and have a lot of autonomy. Life at home is peaceful as we all work hard to get along and I'm not constantly worried about saying the wrong thing and pissing off a narcissist. I can also be my amazing and wonderful self and I don't have to hide my amazing self from someone who doesn't appreciate me and who always treated me like a second class citizen. That's a pretty amazing feeling.
And what is more amazing is that I recognize and appreciate how awesome I am and I'm not ashamed of who I am anymore. I spent my entire marriage to John feeling as if I needed to be ashamed of who I was and if I had nothing left to offer the world except what I could do for others. Now, I know that I am a pretty awesome person.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful for hanging out with Cam
I'm grateful for having lunch with the kids
I'm grateful for sleeping in my own bed
I'm grateful for getting the brown rug out of the hosue
I'm grateful for cuddling with Wendy
I'm grateful fo a job that keeps me employed
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December 5, 2016
Card: Pulled Reversed
First Impressions: Reversed this card gives a sense of loss, a sense of losing what's important, and of losing footing. It could also mean a loss of independence or prosperity. I do love how colorful this card is and the butterflies truly give it a sense of freedom
Book: Intolerance for emotional messiness, lack of discipline, frustration from unmet goals
Guidance: Get comfortable with imperfection
Journaling
This is a hard cared for me to read today. I'm not sure if it is about goals or finances. Part of what I have to figure out is why L. is bugging me so much. I don't think it is about her as it is about what she represents. She uses people without giving back and that bothers me a lot. It makes me think of John as he used me and contributed nothing. It was always all about his wants and his needs and never about mutual wants and needs. That made it difficult to have a real marriage. There was also a huge power and income disparity.
I have to be with someone in my own income bracket as I can't be with someone who makes a lot more or less as that doesn't work for me. Those relationships just have too many issues. I don't want to be the less powerful person because I refuse to be a kept woman, but I also don't want to be the keeper as that gets really old.
January 23, 2018 Revisited
As I continue to grow in my tarot journey, one of the things that strikes me is how many different meanings there could be in a card. I know the 9 of pentacles is usually read as a self made woman, but I wonder if another meaning could be someone who is in a gilded cage. Someone who has everything they want, except for freedom. In some ways, I really feel like that's where I'm at lately because I have everything I want, but I sometimes feel so trapped and as if it would be wonderful to just walk away from it all. The nine of pentacles reversed could be about escaping from the gilded cage.
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October 20, 2016
First Impressions: Independence, standing on my own two feet, leading my own life
Book: Pinnacle of self won achievement, material abundance and grace to appreciate it, love of plenty, disciplined, solitary enjoyment of good things in life
Guidance: Focus on team work, appreciate what you have, let others in
Journaling:
This card is about me and reflects so much of where I am. I do have material things, but I'm also lonely. This is where my heart is as I do appreciate the nice things in my life, but I really want someone to share my life with. Having nice things is not very meaningful if there is no one to share them with. I'm fortunate to have the kids, but it's not the same.
May 25, 2018
I realize that this is supposed to be a positive card, but I always get the impression of a woman in a gilded cage when I look at this card. She has all of these wonderful things, but she is in a walled garden that appears to not have a gate. I don't want to live in a walled facility even if I am surrounded by wonderful things.
I want a gate in my wall so that I can go out in the world and experience it and so that someone loving and kind can come in and be part of my life. I'm realizing as I mature that I love my solitude and that is not a bad thing. John and I had such a sick codependent relationship that being alone was not something I did well. I'm realizing that a big part of the reason that I loved to travel for work because I liked having my alone time. I could be myself and read, pray, and do the things that mattered to me instead of constantly catering to his whims.
He made it impossible to have time for myself because every time I started doing something that I really enjoyed, he would sabotage it. He sabotaged graduate school, he sabotaged water aerobics, he sabotaged jobs. He was so insecure that he could not stand it if I was better than him at anything.
That's a big part of the reason that I'm afraid to put myself out there and meet someone else. I'm really afraid of being in another relationship where I lose myself.
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September 29, 2016
Card: Pulled reversed
First Impressions: The woman is talking to her bird, she is in a gated garden, and there is a castle in the distance. Reversed, this card speaks to me of failure and loss.
Book: Feeling alone, neglecting relationships, empty inside, losing your way, lack of satisfaction
Guidance: Re-prioritize, set better boundaries
December 23, 2017
Another day where I didn't journal. It's odd looking at this card now as instead of seeing a woman who has done well for herself, I see a woman in a gilded cage. It makes me wonder if she has achieved success on her own or if she is a trophy wife who has been put in a gilded cage. It's also possible that she has created a gilded cage of her own creation.
There are days when I feel as if I've created my own gilded cage as I live in a nice house, but I sometimes feel trapped working to support the house instead of creating joy. I don't have an instant answer for this, but I am committing myself to digging my way out of debt.
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May 23, 2016
Card Name: Nine of Earth
Book: You are enjoying a time of accomplishments. You're at the peak of your creative powers. You are connected, but have time alone.
Journaling
This card is an interesting counterpart to the nine of air as that card is about fear and being blown away, this card is about confidence and power. This card speaks to being in control of one's life and at being at peach and content with life.
The book meaning of this card is interseting as I am finally starting to move into this place of contentment. I do want love in my life, but overall I cam content with where I am at and who I am. I've learned to let go and trust them. At least I've learned this intelectually. There are days when my fear response kicks in, but more days than not I am content.
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