Daily Draw: Adelita of Earth and Breaking Trail

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#dailydraw #tarot #herbcrafterstarot #sacredtraveleroracle adelita of earth tells me to grow where I am planted and to find ways to honor my ancestors where I am. This card is about honoring the earth wherever you are. Breaking trail is about creating your own path and moving forward. Together these two cards tell me to create my own path right where I am at.

A post shared by Raine Clara Shakti (@raine_shakti) on May 10, 2020 at 9:12am PDT

These cards are amazingly apt for where I'm at today.  I'm in such a position of accepting where I am at in my life both physically and emotionally and working to "grow where I'm planted."   Moving from being a consultant and living out of a suitcase to being an internal employee and living out of my closet is a huge shift.  I'm used to just washing the clothes in my suitcase, adding an outfit to replace what I wore home, and repacking.  Now, I'll actually be taking things off the hangers at home and getting dressed at my house every day.  That's a huge change and these cards address this shift in my life.

The Adelita of Earth from The Herbcrafter's Tarot tells me to ground myself by creating beauty where I am.  That means to truly live in my house and in  my skin and appreciate it.  It is about being present in my surroundings and taking the natural materials around me to create beauty.  Interestingly, I'm also reading It's Not Your Money by Tosha Silver and early in the book she recommends cleaning and getting rid of things that no longer matter.  For me, this is a two step process as first I clean and get rid of things, then I look at what is left and create beauty.  From a natural perspective, I'm recognizing the sacred beauty of the daffodils that spring up in my yard each year and the trees that grace my yard.  And from a human perspective, I'm moving things around instead of buying.

The other lesson from the Yucca (Adelita) is to ground spirituality in a practical way.  Sometimes we think that spirituality is separate from our daily lives, but it shouldn't be.  In reality everything that we do is sacred and beautiful and we should honor it as such.  that is a lesson I'm learning and I'm working to honor my life by treating it as sacred.  Having a home is sacred, having people who love me is sacred, it is all sacred and when I treat it as such, life flows so much better.

Breaking Trail is interesting in juxtaposition with the Adelita of Earth because this card is about creating a new trail and seeing limitations and blockages drop away.  On the one hand, this would seem to be in opposition to the Adelita of Earth because the one card is about being grounded where you are and the other is about moving forward.  However, one of the most important lessons I've learned is that you don't have to continually be on the move to move forward.  I used to think that being rooted in one place was boring and meant I was stuck, but I've learned that having roots really can help you grow and that's what I take away from these two cards:  keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

Daily Draw: Six of Fire and Cleansing Waters

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#dailydraw #herbcrafterstarot #tarot #thesacredtraveleroracle. Six of fire is about celebrating accomplishments and saying wow you did it. It is about recognizing joy for others. And despite all the weirdness in the world this is a time for the family to celebrate our accomplishments. Sean is graduating, I graduated, life is good! Cleansing waters is about the power of purification and taking time to get rid of what is no longer needed.

A post shared by Raine Clara Shakti (@raine_shakti) on May 9, 2020 at 8:12am PDT

The Six of Fire is such a perfect card to draw right now as my family is all about celebrations this month.  I graduated two weeks ago and Sean's graduation is this weekend.  Although we won't be in Phoenix like we planned, we will be celebrating as we're  going to get a cake and pizza today and we'll be having a watch party to watch his celebration on Monday.

One of the really interesting things to me about the situation is that Cam who insisted when wanted no celebration, didn't want to walk down the aisle, etc. is now feeling left out because we didn't go out to eat, we didn't decorate, etc.  She made it sound as if she just wanted it really low key and that's what we did.  We had dinner in last year when she got her MA and we were very proud of her, but she was adamant about not celebrating.  However, now that she sees our celebrations I think she is a little wistful that she wasn't feted.  However, the good thing about celebrations is that it is never too late and we will have a celebration for her in a few weeks and remind her of all the ways that we are proud of her.  She is an amazing person and the fact that she graduated after all the challenges that were put in her way is amazing.  She deserves to be celebrated and we will celebrate her.

This card is also a reminder that we are a communal species and it is important to celebrate as a community and to fete one's accomplishments.  However, the flip side of it is that we also have to be willing to step up and boast about our own accomplishments.  Sometimes we are too humble and we downplay our own accomplishments because we don't want to put anyone out or we don't want anyone to fuss over us.  That's not me, I like to have people fuss over me and I believe that my accomplishments are worth celebrating!

The counterpoint to the celebratory nature of the nasturtiums  the Six of Fire is the Cleansing Waters card from the Sacred Traveler Oracle.  While the fiery nasturiums are all about passion, celebration, and community, the Cleansing Waters is more about austerity and letting go of things that no longer serve us.  This card is about not only clearing the clutter from our physical homes and bodies, but also about getting rid of the emotional garbage.  One piece that I'm working on right now is letting go of my anger and resentment over John.  Even though I know that I came out ahead and that my life is so much better, there is a part of me that wants to grind him under my heel and continue to make him pay.  That doesn't really serve me well and it is something I'm realizing that I'm going to be working on for quite a while.  However, I also know that the very fact that I recognize it is a problem is a good thing.  I just have to continue putting one foot in front of the other and working through it.

All in all, these were pretty amazing cards.

Daily Draw: Eight of Earth & Faraway Places

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#dailydraw #herbcrafterstarot #tarot #sacredtraveleroracle eight of earth tells me it is time to do the work and to view my work as sacred. Turmeric also reminds me that there are times the work is slow and tedious but I need to do it anyway. It’s also important to take care of myself and my community. Far away places tells me to embrace change and let myself explore what is new in my life.

A post shared by Raine Clara Shakti (@raine_shakti) on May 8, 2020 at 2:02pm PDT

"Let your work be an embodied prayer."
Latisha Guthrie, The Herbcrafter's Tarot

The Eight of Earth is Turmeric and this is a card of hard work and buckling down.  I needed this reminder because a lot of the work I'm doing right now is foundational and it isn't really fun or exciting.  In some ways it is the exact same work I've done lots of times before and so for me at least it feels a little boring and as if I could do it in my sleep, but it is still important and it needs to be done.  This card is a reminder that everything we do can be sacred and it is they way we approach work and not the work itself that makes it sacred.  Right now we are viewing sanitation workers, grocery store clerks, and others as critical and some of those jobs might have been considered throw away jobs six months ago.  This is a reminder that everything we do can and should be viewed as sacred.   My job is all about empowering people and helping them do the  best they can.   It is a way of being of service to others and the reality is that any time we can be of service to others we are adding value and doing sacred work.  I love the line that says "Let your work be an embodied prayer."  I need to start really focusing every morning and asking that I bring my sacredness to work.

Eight of Earth is not only about doing the work and viewing it as sacred, it is also about teaching others and that is the part of my job that I always love.  I love that aspect of my job, empowering people and helping them to learn something new so that they have a skill that they can take with them and use in other ways.  I love this aspect of life and I think that's why I love blogging because it is a way of taking what I've learned and hopefully sharing it and empowering others.

The oracle card I pulled for the day was Faraway Places which is going on a journey of sorts and being willing to explore the wild and wooly places both internal and external.  This card is a very interesting juxtaposition with the Eight of Earth as that card is about buckling down and doing the work and this card is about change.  The meaning I get from these two cards is that doing the familiar work can lead to change as I apply my skills and talents in new ways.  Even though it may seem that I have learned all I need to learn, this will allow me to go deeper and explore new and different ways of being and learning.

Daily Draw: Ace of Air & Fellow Travelers

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#tarot #share grace #dailydraw #theherbcrafterstarot #sacredtraveleroracle tells me to be discerning and to be careful which wisdom I adopt and which wisdom I let go of. It is also important to k ow which wounds need which healing. This is important from an emotional as well as physical perspective. Fellow Travelers remind me that help is all around me and I need to ask when I get stuck. It is also a reminder to me to offer aid when I can as we are all travelers on this road called life.

A post shared by Raine Clara Shakti (@raine_shakti) on May 7, 2020 at 5:53am PDT

The Ace of Air seems to be a follow on card to the last two days as first there was the Two of Air which told me to let go of worn-out beliefs and I read that to mean some beliefs I had gotten from my grandmother about needing to be with someone, yesterday brought the  Adelita of Fire which was about defending the grandmother's beliefs, and today brings the Ace of Air which is about discernment.  Pretty interesting as I read these three cards together as let go of what doesn't serve me, keep and defend what does, and be discerning about those choices. 

The Ace of Air, Yarrow, has other important messages for me as well.  The first is to set my feelings aside and follow the truth.  That's always a hard message for me as when I'm in a dark place, my feelings automatically go to "I suck."  I've been in that place a lot this week as I've started a new job this week and while my boss is telling me that I'm doing what I need to do, but my brain is telling me that I suck.  A big part of it is that the expectations at this job are different than my old job and work that I'm doing now would have been "nonbillable" at my old job so I am not seeing the value in it.  A big part of this is a lesson for me to reset my expectations and to realize that things I do do add value.  I also have been feeling horrible this week as I'm battling a huge sinus infection so that may have something to do with my negative mood.  However, this is a really good reminder to keep myself positive.

The other lesson from the Ace of Air is to "know your wounds, identify your medicine."  This is a reminder to me that sometimes I need to be gentle with myself and other times I need tough love.  My default mode is beating myself up and this card is telling me that that's not always the right medicine.  Sometimes I need to be kind and loving and other times I need a little tough love. 

Fellow Travelers is a great card as it reminds me that I need to open up and let other people in.  I tend to think that I can do it all myself, but that's not the case and I need a reminder that it is okay to ask for help and it's okay to accept help.  This is also a reminder about kindness and about the fact that we need to be kind and help others when we can.

Daily Draw: Adelita of Fire and Crossing Bridges

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#tarot #dailydraw #herbcrafterstarot #sacredtraveleroracle Adelita of fire tells me to be bold and take a stand. To remain true to who I am. I need to be bold and be a leader. Crossing bridges reminds me to let go of the past and heal old wounds. These are interesting cards. One of the messages I’m getting is to stop apologizing for who I am.

A post shared by Raine Clara Shakti (@raine_shakti) on May 6, 2020 at 7:54am PDT

What I find interesting about Adelita of Fire from the Herbcrafter's Tarot is that this card is about defending the integrity of the grandmother's teachings while yesterday's Two of Air was about letting go of warn out beliefs and lessons. What is ironic about this juxtaposition of cards is that a lot of the lessons that I need to let go of came from my grandmother.  In some ways this is a mind twister for me, but when I step back and look at the bigger picture, I need to learn to be discerning about the lessons from my grandmothers and carry with me the ones that add value and let go of the ones that are outmoded. I think I do this to a certain extent as I have picture of my Grandmother Elda hanging over my sink as she is my role model of a good cook.  I have so many fond memories of eating around her table.  Those are the lessons that I take with me as I learned so much about being a good cook and a good person from her.

One of the intriguing aspects of this card is the call to be a leader and to empower others.  That's a message that I've really been learning in my life lately and something my new boss said to me that really struck me was about his wanting to be of service.  That's something a lot of people don't think of lately because we make it all about ourselves and all about ego.  We don't think about how we can serve others and that makes the world a little sadder.  There is this perception somehow that when we serve others we are somehow diminished, but that shouldn't be the case at all because being of service means we are helping others.

Cayenne in combination with Crossing Bridges tells me to only take what is important with me and to let go of all the things that no longer serve me.  I need to heal my past and let go of the pain, the anger, and all that junk.  This card calls for me to forgive and let go and forgiveness is sometimes incredibly difficult for me because I am a scorpio and my MO is to hold on till grudges until someone has paid a stiff price.  This card is telling me that maybe I need to just walk away and let it all go.  I am realizing the older I get that grudges really don't serve me well.

Daily Draw: Two of Air and Wise Leader

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#dailydraw #tarot #theherbcrafterstarot #thesacredtravleroracle Chicory (two of air) tells me to let go of old beliefs and to be receptive to new guidance. Being stuck in old beliefs will not serve me and will hold me back. It’s time to be open to new ideas. Wise leader tells me it is my time to make decisions and drive forward.

A post shared by Raine Clara Shakti (@raine_shakti) on May 5, 2020 at 8:55am PDT

Chicory is an interesting plant for me because when I was growing up and we would go on trips with my grandmother, she would always point it out and call it Blue Ruin.  As this was in the days before the internet, I had no way of looking it up to see why it was called that and she didn't know either.  I did Google it, but couldn't find anything related to it being called Blue Ruin.  Why that memory is important is that Chicory (Two of Air) in The Herbcrafter's Tarot is telling me to let go of long held beliefs and to let go of worn-out beliefs and one of the messages that my grandmother hammered into my head was that I needed a man to survive.  Starting when I was about 14 or 15 every time I went to visit her, she would ask if I had a boyfriend yet and when I went to college, she wasn't interested in what I was learning or what was happening at school, all she cared about was whether or not I had a boyfriend.

She wasn't the only one that was drilling the message into my head that I needed a man to be whole, my parents were also sending that message.  My father made it clear that the only degree he would pay for was an accounting degree because then I could support myself in the event that I had to.  When I reflect upon that now, I'm realizing that the message was that supporting myself was a fall back plan because the ideal course of action would be to be supported by a man while I did the "housewifely" things like cooking and cleaning.  Why would a woman ever want to support herself?  My mother reinforced this idea by expecting everything I did in life to be about someone else.  This continued up until the day I had had enough with her and cut her out of my life.  That day came when I told her I was separating from my husband and her questions where "How are the kids?" and "There's not going to be a divorce, is there?"  There was no concern for me or how I felt, instead it was (as it had always been) about everyone else.

I've worked hard in the last 10 years to learn that I am an amazing and awesome person all by myself and that I don't need someone to support me.  That doesn't mean I don't want someone in my life, but it does mean that I've learned that I am a whole human being all by myself.

The Wise Leader reinforces this by reminding me that I can be a beacon for others and I can lead people.  This has been a hard lesson for me as well as my father continually reminded me that women were not leaders, women should not be in a position of power over men.  The last few years have been about coming into my own as a person and as a leader and I'm realizing that I am strong and that I can stand proud and lead people.

These were awesome cards and a good reminder for me to continue to let go of all the old and hateful lessons.

Daily Draw: Hija of Earth and Impasse

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#dailydraw #theherbcrafterstarot #tarot #thesacredtraveleroracle the Hija (daughter) of earth tells me to be flexible and maintain my boundaries. She also tells me that I need to let go of my need for perfection. Impasse tells me that sometimes I need to back off and redirect. The message I’m getting is to be like the water and find the path of least resistance.

A post shared by Raine Clara Shakti (@raine_shakti) on May 3, 2020 at 9:19am PDT

Hija of Earth from the Herbcrafter's Tarot and Impasse from the Sacred Traveler's Oracle are another pair of cards that are perfectly in synch.  Hija tells me to maintain my boundaries while Impasse tells me that sometimes I need to redirect.  I'm reading these cards as a reminder to not only keep my own boundaries, but also to respect others and that sometimes I do need to stop and redirect.  I'm someone who loves to be in charge and loves to drive forward, no matter what the cost.  However, these cards are showing me that that is not always the best way to live.  Sometimes we need to stop, reevaluate, and redirect.  These cards are especially meaningful to me today because I'm giving up something I've worked hard for to go in a different direction.  I was finally given the director's title in February and I'm walking away to spend more time with my family and to have more work life balance.  For me that's the right choice, even though my ego isn't liking it too much.

Hija is also telling me that I need to let go of my need for perfection and to just accept that sometimes good enough is all that is needed.  That's not a lesson I like, but it is the one that I need.

Nine of Swords

April 29, 2020

This was an interesting card combination as I pulled it as I was thinking about how sad I was to be leaving my job and moving on and about how afraid I was that I wouldn't do well at my new company.  I literally had those thoughts, then pulled the cards.  What I loved about these cards is they matched what I was feeling, but gave me a very hopeful and thoughtful message.  The Nine of Swords from The LightSeer's tarot  is all about nightmares and perceiving things are a disaster when they really aren't.  This card is a reminder to set worry off to one side and focus on the positive.  One of the things that I remind myself of when I'm feeling like no one will like me or I don't know what to do, etc.  is to remind myself that my new boss and my new team has an incentive to want me to succeed.  They want me to do well so that they do well.  They would not have hired me if they thought I was going to fail because that is way too much work for them.  Everyone wants me to succeed and they are going to be rooting me the whole time.  I have to remind myself of that when I start to beat myself up and think poorly of myself.  I also have to remind myself that it will take a while to settle in at Nestle and that that's okay.

Once I've looked at things and faced reality, the Loss card from the Journey Oracle reminds me that it really is okay to let myself grieve and let myself be sad and grieve if there is really a loss to be grieving.  All the work I've done on grief and loss this year reminds me that it really is okay to let myself feel what I need to feel.  I don't have to be superwoman.

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September 30, 2019

Note:  The last few days and tomorrow will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question:  What is the new world that is being revealed?

First Impressions:  Fears, light, not being able to sleep

Book:  Worries are not real

Dark Goddess Book:  Fear is getting in the way of seeing the truth

Guidance:  Time will bring clarity


Dark Goddess Guidance:  Separate what you wish for, what you expect, and what you dread in order to see clearly

Journaling

I'm realizing that there is a world out there where I will be able to express my fears and move on with my life.  Sometimes I think it is holding in our fears that holds us back.  My greatest fear is that I am fundamentally unlovable and that there is something wrong with me.  However, I'm realizing through reading books like the Shadow Daughter and others that there is nothing wrong with me.  I am a beautiful, loving, funny, and amazing person.  It is not my fault that my mother cannot love me and treat me with the respect I deserve.  That is about her and is not a fundamental flaw in who I am.  Even though I've grown tremendously in the last few years, I'm realizing that there has always been a little piece of my soul that has believed I am unworthy of love because of how my mother raised me.  However, I now know that that is not true and that she is incapable of truly loving.  It makes me sad and i feel compassion for her, but at the end of the day, it is not about me at all.

Rereading her letter through grownup eyes instead of the eyes of a child helped me to realize that my perceptions are correct as the letter was all about her and about her need to have her family.  It was not about us at all, instead it was about how her friends are having great grandkids so she wants great grandkids to show off.  It is as if we were to be used as pawns in her game of one upmanship with her friends instead of being appreciated for who we are.  That's a cold and harsh reality and I know that there is a little part of me that wishes it wasn't so and that hopes I'm wrong, but I'm not wrong and that is really who she is.  I don't need that in my life anymore.

The Banshee tells me to acknowledge those dark bits of my soul, but to let go of them and to know that they are fears and that I am can let go of them and let them fly off into the night like her crows.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful that Sean got home safely

I'm grateful for bundt cakes with the fam

I'm grateful that I got to Minster safely

I'm grateful for the awesome drive with the top down

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September 24, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Nightmare, being kept up at nights

Book:  Truth will come with morning

Guidance:  Most of our fears are illusions.  Time will bring clarity

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me because I do a good job of getting myself swirly about what I think is going to happen, then I waste a lot of time worrying which makes my life more difficult.  Then most of the time the thing I was worried about doesn't even happen.  I was annoyed and pissed off about the thought of having to go to Nidec, then St. Louis.  Well my trip to St. Louis got postponed so I will actually get some time at home.  That has happened to me so many times lately where I have worried and agonized over something that did not come to fruition. 

One of the things that I need to remind myself to do is to take a deep breath when I start to get swirly.  Most of the things that I worry about don't end up happening.  And even if they did end up happening, most of them are manageable anyway.  And sometimes when I do drop a ball, that's okay as most of the balls I drop are not the end of the world.  Most of them are things that don't even matter.  I do keep my eyes on the big balls and the ones that matter and I work hard not to drop those balls.

One of the reasons that I'm so swirly right now is that my biggest nightmare is being stuck in this job.  I'm tired of traveling and it is taking a huge toll on my life.  It is hard to form relationships, I feel trapped, etc. etc.  However, if that is the message that I'm putting out there, it's no wonder that I'm miserable.  I need to start asking for what I want instead of bitching about what I don't have.  Once Cam's trial is over, I am going to start doing some major job magic.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good sessions

I'm grateful for the beautiful weather out

I'm grateful for watching NCIS

I'm grateful that I'm employed

I'm grateful that I have peace and quiet

I'm grateful for making decisions that are in my best interests

I'm grateful that Cam is okay

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July 7, 2019

Deck: World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Nightmares, confronting our deepest fears, terrifying visions, anxiety,

Guidance:  Look to your intuition for guidance

Journaling

I've been binge watching Anthony Bourdain lately and it has me thinking about nightmares and those thoughts that wake you in the middle of the night and convince you that you can't go on.  I've had my share of dark nights of the soul and there have been a lot of times that I am convinced that I can't wake up one  more morning and go about my pathetic little life.  I've convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, but since I've ended up in the hospital for those thoughts and have endured the worst of the worst, I've realized that life does go on and in most cases it does get better.  I hold Anthony Bourdain close because he is a reminder that what people see is not always what's real.  People who may appear to the outside world as if they have it all together often don't.  They are often struggling and hurting inside and no one knows what's going on inside their souls.

Souls can be scary places to navigate and it is often in the deepest darkest recesses of our souls that we encounter shame, guilt, and self-hatred.  There are monsters in our souls and they often originated outside of ourselves in the voices of people who told us that we couldn't do something, or that we weren't good enough, or that we were bad, or a million other lies.  If we are told such lies often enough, we begin to believe them.  Those lies seep into our soul and mingle with our own traces of self doubt until they are stronger than we would like and they whisper to us in the dark of the night that we're not worthy, that the world would be a better place without us.  It doesn't matter how smart we are, how strong we are, how competent we are as those voices in the night can convince us we are nothing.

The voices often show up during the day as well, but it is easier to ignore them in the light.  It is easier to surround ourselves with people who can boost our ego and remind us that we are okay.  It is easier to tally up our accomplishments and realize we matter.  The sunlight shines bright light into the corners and chases away the boogeyman.  However, if we don't do the hard work of therapy and self discovery, we may not be able to drive the shadows out of our soul.

RIP Anthony Bourdain

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April 9, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Nightmares, anxiety

Book:  Despair, sorrow, nightmares, grief, death

Guidance:  Prepare for the worst situation, could not have been avoided, are things as bad as they appear?

Journaling

I always view this card as a reminder that nightmares happen.  It does not mean that they are reality.  I need to let go of my fears and worries and focus more on what I can control.  I can't control what Darshan does, I can't control what Gadino does.  The only person I have agency over is me.  I spend so much time worrying about what other people do and say when in reality there is nothing I can do to control others.

December 29, 2018

I needed this reminder today.  I am all swirly over John when in reality there is nothing I can do.  He is no longer my problem.  His health is no longer my problem.  His financial issues are no longer my problem.  Absolutely nothing that he does is my problem and I need to let go and let whatever happens happens. 

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November 21, 2017

Deck:  Gilded tarot

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Crossing her arms to protect her heart, troubled by big problems

Guidance:  Reach out and get the comfort and wisdom you need, allow someone to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

I need to hear this reading about asking for help.  I don't do such a god job of asking for help.  I tend to hold things in and not let other people in.  The only time I ever truly let people in was right after my divorce and I was so shattered and broken.  The pain was so tremendous that I could not contain it.  I spewed because this pain was horrible.  However, as I've healed, I've receded into myself.  I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. 

I'm not a recluse and it is not as if I've been hiding in a hovel and never venturing out.  I go out and I interact, but I'm standoffish and not thrilled about doing the work it takes to know people.

November 25, 2017

I need to make some time for me.  I am so caught in in Cam that I'm not taking care of me.  I need to step back from her and trust she is in the Goddess' hand.  I need to let go of my need to hold on so tight.  If I don't make time to take care of me, I will end up angry and resentful.  I also need to let go and trust.

November 9, 2018

It's so interesting that this theme of vulnerability has been coming up again and again.  I need to start trusting people and letting them in.  I think knowing that I can be fierce will help me to be vulnerable and to let people in.  This year is going to be all about exploring vulnerability and being more open with other people.  I'm really scared about this, but I know it is something that I really need to do.

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November 8, 2017

Deck; Gilded tarot

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out

Guidance:  Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people.  I reached out to the UU's stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me.  Not one of the people reached out to say, "Hope your daughter is okay."  Instead they just harassed me and were rude.  Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.

November 20, 2017

I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way.  What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt?  I would have said I'm sorry and asked what I could do.  However, not one of those bitches did that.  I don't want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it.  It isn't that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.

October 26, 2018

I'm getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true.  My daughter was abducted and assaulted.  There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead.  Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.

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December 12, 2017

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds.  When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that's what this card makes me think of.  In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her.  This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book:  If you would known, do not fear to see.  Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries.  She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance:  Do not give fears a priority when making a decision.  Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.

Journaling:

What a perfect card to pull today.  Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the "I'm fired" path.  That makes no sense at all because I've been billable and we're gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went.  I'm learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do.  I'm so mean to myself even when I've done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am.  I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

• Stop what I'm doing and breathe
• Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
• Roll with the situation and see what comes of it

December 28, 2017

I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that's something easy I can remember.  I've come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I'm not there yet.  The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I've felt.  Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can't react or I won't have a job.  It's one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.  

However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I'm no longer in an abusive relationship.  It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault.  I'm learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.

My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way.  It is all a process and the best thing is that I don't have to have all the answers right now.

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April 24, 2016

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Journaling:

The nine of air is a card of deep sorrow and grieving.  As my physical strength has been stripped away, I find I have no energy for pretense or illusion.  There is a deep grief at the core of my being:  grief over my desire for happily ever after, grief over the fact that I am alone.

This card is about all that binds me to the past.  It is also about trusting that she will take care of me.  It is about letting go and being willing to sacrifice my dreams.  That's hard for me as I'm scared of being alone and I feel my life isn't valuable if I'm alone.  However, the flip side is that I am so afraid of being hurt that I don't let people in.  Even though it is lonely, it is so much easier to hold people at arm's length then to let them in.  I guess I just have to trust the goddess.

December 24, 2017

This card still resonates with me as I find myself clinging to the old ways of doing things and my old thought patterns.  She has appeared to me multiple times to tell me to let go and I have started to let go, but sometimes when I get scared or stressed, I start clinging to things that I shouldn't cling to.