Deliberate Draw: Sage of Swords

First Impressions:  Cold logic, choosing logic over intuition

Book:  Born statesman, keen intellect, brilliant strategist, just but not merciful, despises everything that sounds emotional, can get wrapped up in his power

Guidance:  Act with authority, do not allow your head to overrule your heart

Journaling

My immediate thought on choosing this card is that logic is a cold place to live and that living only in logic leaves us in a voice devoid of love, romance, and all the amazing things that life has to offer.  However, in order to live in a life of beauty, wonder, and intuition we have to open our hearts to trust our intuition, ourselves, and other people and I am struggling to trust right now.  My bosses at work have made a decision that I don't believe is in my best interest and I've conveyed my concerns and people I trust will advocate for me, but that means I have to rely on others to essentially fight my battles for me and that is a difficult position to be in.

However, as I look at this card, I realize that I spend a lot of time living in the land of the king of swords as I choose to look at things through a veil of a warped type of logic and not operate from a position of trust.  This is a cold way to live, but I am terrified to trust my life to others.  I'm terrified to trust that others actually have my best interests at heart.  It also seems like no one can every prove enough that they have my best interest at heart.  One of the things I am realizing as I go through this situation is that not only am I struggling to trust others, I'm also struggling to trust myself.  My judgement on John was so flawed and I spent 22 years being stomped on over and over that it is hard to trust my judgement about other people.  I find it easier to trust myself about my future than to trust others in relation to my future.

Maybe I need to accept this as an opportunity to learn to trust and to let go of all my fear about other people screwing me over.  Maybe I just need to keep focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and let it all work itself out.  I also have to remember the question of whether I would rather be right or happy?  This guy seems to be right, but he certainly doesn't look happy.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful Sean is on his way home

I'm grateful I'm home this week

I'm grateful for the peaceful house

I'm grateful for cuddling with Wendy

I'm grateful for the yummy strawberry sorbest

I'm grateful for sleeping in my own bed

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Cups

First Impressions:  Icy, emotional control, heartless

Book:  Hidden emotions, worldly and suave, unwillingness to be vulnerable

Guidance:  Open your heart

Journaling

Another card that is right on the money as I am still struggling to be open and vulnerable.  It is much easier to say F* you and walk away than to trust people enough to open up and be vulnerable and let them in.  In my head, I know that loving with an open heart means opening up and being willing to be vulnerable, but in practice I still struggle with it.  I do a good job with Scott and with Kyle, but it takes me a long time to actually get to know people and to truly let them in.  I think my experience with X has also hurt me more than I know as I trusted him and shared his secrets and he's been so distant lately.  However, in my heart I know that is more a matter of unfulfilled expectations than a true breach of trust.  In realty, he has done nothing to hurt me, but be busy with his own life.

The other issue is that I am struggling to control my raging Scorpio personality.  My personality is scorched earth and take no prisoners and when I feel like I am slighted, I either want to destroy the other person, freeze them out, or just ghost them.  Those are the extremes within my soul and it is really hard for me to come to a more temperate approach.  I think that drives some of my personal problems at work as well as I am so passionate about what I do and I want to do it well and when I feel like my efforts are not appreciated, my default mechanism is to say F* you and walk away.  I can't just bring part of myself to work, I'm either all in or all out.

I think that's why in my heart of hearts I'd rather own my online business where I can call the shots and I can say F* you if I don't get my way.  I'm not sure if there is a solution to this, but I will continue to meditate on it, work on it, and do my best.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for taking a nap

I'm grateful for air conditioning

I'm grateful for a yummy dinner with Cam

I'm grateful for Bai

I'm grateful for Scott

Draw from a Friend: Should I Stay or Should I go

Background:  Work has been tortuous lately and I have been feeling unappreciated and undervalued and I'm wondering if the time has come to move on out and seek a place that more values my efforts.  My flight response is really strong and if it was left to me and I had no one to support, I would have already said F* you, I'm walking out.  However, I do have other people to support and all the cards I've been pulling lately have been about patience and trust so my actions to move on are being restrained.  I reached out to a friend to ask him to pull a few cards for me and he ended up with the draw below.

Instinctively, we both believe that my best course of action is to stay and that that is what our guides and the cards are telling me, but I decided to go ahead and break things down and look at each card individually to get a deeper meaning.

Six of Fire (Wands)--At its essence, this is the victory card and it is about taking the steps you've been longing to take for a while.  If I was reading this on the surface, I could read it as either taking the right steps to move on and make a break.  However, the LWB also says, "Your growing ability to be patient and let things happen of your own accord is the sweetest fruit of your worldly success."  That sentence tells me that I will be rewarded and enjoy victory by continuing to be patient.

Ace of Water (Cups)--The ace of water is about fertility, about opening up and sharing your feelings.  It is a card of fulfillment and openness.  When I read this in connection with all the other messages I've been getting this week, this tells me that I need to be respectfully honest about my feelings and speak up.  It goes along with the guidance that Ted gave me this week about saying, "I feel..." As he said, no one can argue with that.  The key is not getting into You messages and sticking with I messages.  I messages are really hard when I'm wound up.

Nine of Air (Swords)--This card is pretty hard, but realistic.  It is all about hurt, vengefulness, suffering, and the inability to forgive myself or others.  It is telling me that it is time to let the old wounds heal and move on.  This in combination with all the other cards this week that told me it was time to let go of the past and to open my heart and trust is telling me that it is me holding this up.  I stated my case, now I have to trust that it is all going to work out okay.  I need to trust that the people I work with believe in me and value the work I do.  Right now that is hard because I am all caught up in feeling trapped and untrusting, but I need to open up my heart and trust.  Not an easy thing to do, but something I need to do in order to move on.

Knight of Air (Swords)--Ugg!  Another card that is pounding the point home that I need to let go of old messages and old thoughts.  Specifically, "With unflinching clarity you have to recognize struggling with your own inner world, your own phantoms, projections, and identifications will get you nowhere.  I have to let go of the ruminations and trust that it will all work out.  I need to add D and J to my list of loving kindness meditations and trust that it is all going to be okay.

Transformation (Death)--And I am being pounded over the head again!  This card is about transformation and letting go of old patterns.  This card says to not waste energy trying to stop the inevitable and that "you are simply ready to let go of unnecessary baggage."  It's time for me to put down my shields and trust people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy.

Four of Air (Swords)--This card says that "Doing nothing is most helpful at this point."  In other words, it is time for me to just focus on the work that is in front of me and let everything play out around me.  I need to focus on my workie work, I need to focus on writing, I need to focus on school.  I need to let go of all the drama swirling around me.  I just need to let it all go.  Focusing on the drama and feeding the drama is preventing me from moving on.

Four of Water (Cups)--This card is about feeling the abundance that you have and about being grateful for that abundance.  This card also reminds you that satisfaction can be fleeting and that there is also a period of emptiness, but that emptiness leads to fullness.  Sometimes you have to let go of something to make room for something else.

Summary

With another deck and with other circumstances, I might have been able to read this as it was time for me to leave and move on to something else.  However, when I read this in the context of the other readings and with the messages both Scott and I got from our guides, the message is clear that it is in my best interests to stay.

Judgement

July 25, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance, fairness, weighing things

Book:  You are ripe for transformation, reckoning with the past

Guidance:  Open your eyes to a while new way of life, heed the call to be born into a more meaningful existence

Journaling

This is an interesting card to pull today because I'm in a position where I am being asked to trust management to deal with a horrible situation and I don't know if I trust them.  Our project team is so dysfunctional it isn't funny.  We have people refusing to talk to people, people making snotty comments about the client in the client's building, and a whole host of bad behavior.  And it's being driven by someone high up in the food chain's behavior.  It's making it so that I don't even want to go into the office anymore because of all the bullshit.

I talked to a VP in the organization today and he said that management was going to take care of it and to let them handle it.  That puts all of my hackles up because I don't really trust anyone to do right by me and take care of things.  I especially don't trust people to make things right after I've spoken up. My assumption is that speaking up is going to get me in trouble so I should just flee.  I know that isn't the right thing to thing, but my mind immediately goes into flight mode and if I get really pinned into a corner I will come out fighting.

This goes back to both my childhood, past job experiences, and my marriage.  In my childhood, I never spoke up about being bullied because I was afraid of the backlash.  And when I worked for the military and I spoke out against a first amendment violation, I was arrested.  Of course, since I was pushed beyond my comfort zone, I escaped and assaulted a police officer. Since my divorce, it has been hard for me to trust anyone, especially when I started realizing the depths of Charlene's behavior and how she essentially set me up for my bad marriage.  I was devastated and I was hurt so badly on so many levels, that I learned it became easier to walk away than to stay and learn and grow.  

 I'm in a place now where life is good and for the most part I'm happy, but I'm being asked to trust people and I don't want to.  I want to say fuck it and walk away.   The only thing that is keeping me in my seat is that the people I am working with have proven trustworthy to date and they have for the most part done right by me.  That doesn't mean I don't feel uncomfortable and every bone in my body wants to run away.  Sitting here and trusting is incredibly hard for me.

The fact that this is Anubis is deeply significant for me because I trust Anubis with my life.  He has always been there for me.  He has always protected me.  And he has always guided me.  The fact that I chose Anubis today is significant as it means that choosing to trust will move me to the next realm.  I do not want to trust.  I thought I had grown and changed and that I'd never have to feel these growing pains again, but they are telling me there is sill more to learn.  I think it is time to set up an Anubis altar and sit with the discomfort.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the support I got from Ted

I'm grateful I got home on time

I'm grateful for laughing with Cam

I'm grateful for sleeping in a cool room

I'm grateful for the weather being nice

I'm grateful for a good call with Michelle

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October 19, 2016

Deck:   Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck, not moving on

Book:  Denial of inner calling, stagnation, procrastination, fear of change, feeling as something is dying, arrived at the wrong conclusion, greater focus on spirituality, complacency

Guidance:  Don't try to change others, take action to move forward

Journaling

One of the things I'm realizing is that I have to drop the weight.  It is literally killing me.  A big part of the problem is that my life sucks so much that I don't care if I live or die.  I really need to change my attitude and ask for help.  The message I got is that instead of asking for love to ask for health and the love will come.

May 25, 2018  Review

I'm still not doing so well with taking care of my health and there are a lot of days where  feel like I am committing suicide by sugar as I cannot let go of my need for coca-cola.  It feels as if I need it to start and continue my day.  I'm also not exercising very much at all and I feel it in my bones.  I think part of the problem is that I have a serious and chronic sinus infection, which affects my sleep, which affects my energy level, etc.  It is a whole vicious circle.  I've gone back to taking the d-hist and I have to say that I am actually starting to feel a lot better.  The next step is to get a new air filter for my room as the other one seems to have given up the ghost.  I know that the D-Hist and the air filter seriously changed my life before because I started feeling so much better.

The other thing I need to do is find a local acupuncturist because acupuncture helped me so much.  However, I'm realizing that maybe I'm not wanting to find a new acupuncturist out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Kyle.  However, he would want me to move on and start feeling better.  I'm going to call and make an appointment tomorrow.

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September 19, 2016

Deck;  Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions:  The people are naked and although it is supposed to be a family, they all seem very young.  The cloud by the angel is pink.  The people seem to be waving to the angel.  I don't know if they are just saying hi or if there is more to it than that.  This card is about a reckoning and reawakening.

Book:  Awakening, realization, rebirth, call to change, and decision making.


Guidance:  Listen to your heart

Journaling

Awakening is an odd theme for the day.  I was so exhausted yesterday that I could barely keep my eyes open.  This job is getting more and more physically wearing and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to push myself like this.  There is a large part of me that wants to get a job in town, but I'm kind of afraid of what that would look like.  I think I need to do some research and see if I could make that work.

December 22, 2017 Review

It's been over a year since I originally wrote that and I've switched jobs, but am still traveling.  I'm feeling somewhat better than I did then and am not as exhausted all the time.  However, I've also realized that I really need to pay attention to my physical health and be cognizant of when it is getting to be too much or me and step back.  I don't always do a great job of that, but it's a lesson I do need to learn.

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May 11, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Awakening, Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, not open to new things, reluctant to change

Journaling

Am I stuck in my ways and unwilling to trust spirit  Am I so afraid that they won't provide that I am standing in my own way?  All the cards lately have been about trust and about letting go.  I need to let go of the past.  I need to let go of expectations.  I need to trust them.  I can't control whether or not X loves me.  I can't control whether or not I get this job.  I can't control the kids and I can't control Gateway.

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Cups

First Impressions:  Saying f* it and walking away, being fed up

Book: Questing, life dragging us down, weary to the bone, empty vessels drained of our enthusiasm, heart's yearning for deeper meaning

Guidance:  Begin a spiritual quest, take time alone, be more present with your inner life

Journaling

This card just reminded me of where I'm at today as I just want to say F* it and walk away from this stupid project.  Nobody is getting along and we're not getting anything done.  I truly due feel as if life is dragging me down and I am weary to the bone.  However, the reality of it is that I can choose to take it personally or I can choose to let it roll off my back.  I do not have to own any of the drama that is going on.  I can just choose to let it all slide off my back. Managing the consultants is not my job, but when I choose to take ownership of it, I am the one that suffers because I get all swirly and I get caught up in the drama.  My project manager needs to own the situation and she needs to step up to the plate and kick butt. 

I just need to focus on what I need to get done and expend my energy on the things that I am responsible for.  That includes capturing all the changes that Gartner created and getting them input into SharePoint and on to the Org Impact Analysis.  That is what I am responsible for.  I'm not responsible for what the functional team does or does not due.  I am only responsible for my own little corner of the world and the sooner I remind myself of that, the better I will feel.  I just need to focus on my stuff.

In my personal life, I'm doing a much better job of that and of not getting so caught up and swirly about all the stuff that is going on.  I read an amazing book about the Sabbath over the weekend and it put it into context for me.  it was a good reminder that the Sabbath is supposed to be a time out of time.  It is all about setting aside one day to just be.  To just think, pray, enjoy, and be.  It is about letting go of work for a period of time and just being.  I was actually able to do that this weekend and it felt really good.

Gratitudes

Phone charger fixed my issue

Yummy Poke for dinner

Wendy & Clark had a good day with the kids

Snuggles from Wendy this morning

Skyping with Cam

Flight was on time

Deliberate Draw: Seeker of Wands

First Impressions:  Lazy, desert, painful

Book:  Charmer and a flirt, unreliable, can bring energy if there are others to focus it

Guidance: Need for a change of scenery

Journaling

I'm not sure why this card called to me today because I know that I am not lazy and I know I need to steer my horse in the right direction.  Maybe it is a reminder that everything that appears lazy is not.  Most of us have been brought up to believe that sleeping late is lazy, that not working long hours is lazy, that wanting to sit and read a book instead of being outside playing is lazy.  As a result of all that haranguing and complaining, I think we were all taught that to sit and take a breath and to take care of yourself is lazy, but taking care of yourself is the farthest thing from lazy that there is.  Taking care of yourself is smart and means that we have a better life.  Life is really all about balance I and I know that there are some people who are truly lazy, however, I also know that taking care of ourselves, sleeping enough, and doing all of those things that help us take care of ourselves are not lazy.

I was reading Sabbath today and it was an amazing book about how the Sabbath is a day set in time to relax and to take care of ourselves.  We honor God and ourselves when we take time to slow down and let go of work, let go of tension, let go of anger.  There is truly a need for more downtime in this world because when we have downtime we can think and dream and bring more peace to the world.  I think one of the number one causes of stress in the world is not taking time to take care of ourselves. When we push ourselves so hard that there is no time for joy or wonder, we get angry, we get resentful, then we take it out on others.

Gratitudes

Dinner with Sean

Seeing Wendy smile on the way to the library

Sitting here and having peace

Feeling better

Goddess of the Week: Sophia

First Impressions:  Royalty, peace,

Meaning:  Wisdom, knowing yourself, tenderness and light

This card called to me as I felt calmness and tenderness radiating off of her.  Sophia speaks to me of turning inward to find wisdom and learning about who I am and applying that to the world.  What I see around me is that so many people want to change the world, but they are unwilling to do the work required to change themselves.  It seems as if it is so easy to point the finger at someone else and demand that they change instead of turning the magnifying glass inward and looking at our own actions and behaviors.  The flip side of this is knowing what I'm not responsible for and what I can't control.

The border between my behavior and others behaviors is boundaries and that's the hardest area for me.  I have a tendency to take responsibility and ownership for things that are really not my responsibility and that I shouldn't own.  That goes back to we teach people how to treat us and that if we let people walk all over us, they will continue to do that.  I learned a long time ago with my kids that I had to stop acting as if getting them to do their chores was a favor to me because that made them feel as if it was something extra that they were doing to be nice.  I've learned that I have to make them understand that this is a requirement and that if they don't do it, there will be consequences.  I'm still not perfect at it, but I'm getting there.

The same is true in work and we often don't do a good job of holding people accountable and making them understand that good behavior is not optional.  However, I think as women we are so afraid of the bitch label and we are so afraid of not being liked that we tolerate bad behavior.  My marriage taught me that it is my responsibility to stand up and call out the people who treat me badly.  I need to be the one that says that certain behavior is unacceptable and that I will not tolerate it.  Of course as a woman, people tend to label you "too emotional" or "too sensitive" when you stand up for yourself, but I don't believe demanding to be treated with respect makes me too sensitive.  I was so fed up with X the other day when he was whining about how someone had disrespected him, but the behavior he was talking about was no worse than what he'd done to me.  However, because I'm female I was being too sensitive.  That was a huge lesson to me in how men like to give women the label of too sensitive as a way to keep them down.

New Moon Spread

This spread was done based on a spread by Ellen Lorenzi-Prince's spread for Chantico the Goddess of the month.  Chantico is the goddess of the heart and the defender of the home.  She is a sun goddess and represents the nine of wands.

What is the Source of Your Inner Fire?
The source of my fire is the Red Dakini (Eight of Fire).  Interestingly enough the eight of wands was the card that I chose for today as it said fireworks to me and moving fast.  The Red Dakini's message is that it is okay to follow impossible dreams and believe in things that on the surface would not seem to be possible.  The Red Dakini is all about change and moving from one level to another.  What is interesting is that as I pursue my degree and open myself up to the possibilities of what lays beyond, I find myself so much more confident and feeling in control of my life.  I feel that I am moving with more grace and as a woman who knows her worth.  That is an amazing change that has come over me.  I also find myself knowing with deep certainty that my perfect love will come to me.

How do you use this Fire?
Tsonokwa (six of earth) tells me to give of myself and my wealth and to give freely.  The knowledge
and skills I am gaining are to be shared with others and not just stockpiled.  Tsonokwa also tells me to be courageous as I move forward.  This is so interesting because my increased confidence is also helping me to move forward with courage.  In the past, I would have said no to going back to school because of the cost or because I could see no practical way to use my degree, but my guides are telling me that I am on the right path.  I still have no idea where it will lead me, but I know I am being cared for and led and that saying yes is the right thing to do.  I'm also receiving the message that I need to also take care of myself.  I will be taken care of, but part of being taken care of is knowing what I need to take care of myself.

What protection does your fire need?
Dhomanavati (Hag of Air) tells me that my fire needs protection from illusion and from those who would put me down and not respect me.  She tells me to know I am enough all by myself and that I do not need approval from society.  I do not need someone else in my life as I am capable of taking care of myself.  However, she also tells me that it is not wrong to want someone in my life for companionship and fun.  I need to be cautious of assuming that I need someone else to take care of me.  I need to let go of what society tells me and listen to my own heart.  I also need to let go of those things that no longer serve me.

What Fuel does your fire need?
Erinye (Ten of Air) tells me that the time to be fueled by righteous indignation is past and that it is time to surrender and be led by the fates.  I love this as I am finally starting to feel that I am finding my balance between being proactive and taking control of my life and letting the fates guide me.  The lesson they gave me in Sedona eight years ago is one of the most amazing lessons I've ever been given.  Living Cairn by Cairn reminds me to look for the next right action and when I've taken that step to look for the next one.  It is an interesting way to live, but it does help stop me from excessively planning and being so caught up in planning my next move that I don't enjoy the present moment.  I'm not perfect yet, but I am definitely moving in the right direction.

What is being transformed within you?
Oh Circe (Three of Fire), you have such wisdom for me for you are all about transformation.  You are reminding me of the importance of my creativity and expressing it in all forms and in all aspects of my life.  My creativity is about the flowers I put on the table as well as the creative words I write.  You're also reminding me to dress for power and to integrate all aspects of my life.  That's interesting for me as I deliberately chose to put my little love altar in my workspace instead of my bedroom or creating a separate altar because I wanted the reminder that love needs to be part of my entire life and not segregated into a specific area.  It made sense to put it on my work altar as that is where I spend the most time when I'm home and that is where I would be most likely to see it on a regular basis.

Overall, this was a pretty interesting reading as it summed up the fact that I am becoming an independent woman who has the confidence and the wherewithal to live life on my own terms.

Deliberate Draw: Seer of Wands

First Impressions:  Bold, doing what needs to be done

Book:  Restless spirit of adolescence, ready for a change and a new challenge, frank, being daring to the point of being dangerous

Guidance: Encourage enthusiasm, nurture your own adventurous spirit

Journaling

One of the things I've learned as I've gotten older is that there is a tendency to play it safe as we get older.  We have so much to lose.  We can't just quit our jobs and go off and do what our heart is telling us to do because we'll lose our status, we'll lose the time we've invested, we'll lose all of that.  It is so much harder to be bold when you have things that you will have to leave behind.  I believe it is easier to take chances and be bold when you aren't afraid of losing all that you've worked for.  What I've been working to do is figure out how to be cautiously bold, how to move forward with the things that make me happy, while being smart about my security.  It isn't easy because my heart wants to just say F* it all, quit my job, and go back to school full time.  However, as I've matured over the years I've realized that my brain gets a vote too and my vote says we need to be secure, need to pay off the bills, etc. ,etc.

In the past, I would have said F* security, I just want to be happy.  However, I've realized that I can be secure an be happy and that moving forward with my dreams doesn't mean leaping without a net.  It may take longer to get where I want to be while working, but I will get there.  Additionally, in some ways having a full time job will pursing my dreams actually helps me pursue them because all those free hotel rooms and airline points mean that I can go to conferences that I couldn't afford if I didn't have a full time job.  When I let go of my impatience and accept that I can't have everything I want right now, I can embrace taking the slow road.  I can embrace following my dreams while still living a secure life.

I love this card because she ventures boldly out into the world without a lot of baggage, but I'm realizing that sometimes we need our baggage.  Sometimes we need our ties to other people and our past.

Nine of Cups

July 2, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Good fortune, living well, knowing what you want and going for it

Book:  Fortune is smiling on you

Guidance:  Visualize your desires and intentions

Journaling

I love this card for it says to me to be grateful and happy for what you have.  This card is about like attracting like and I have learned that the more grateful I have for what I am, the more good stuff will come into my life.  I've also learned that I need to be happy right now and not be happy when X happens.  If I wait for something external to bring me happiness, I might not every be happy because the external thing I'm waiting for may never happen.  However, if I choose to be happy right now in my messy house, with my less than perfect dogs and kids, with a job that I sometimes like and sometimes hate, I will bring more happiness into my life.

I always thought that people who said happiness was a mindset were crazy because how could they be happy when bad things were happening, but I've learned that 90 percent of the time we can choose to be happy.  We can choose to clean up the dog poop and be happy the dog loves us so much (here's looking at you Wendy!), we can choose to wash the dishes and be grateful we have food to eat, we can choose to do the boring work and be thankful that we have a job.  And if we can see the blessing in everything, more blessings will come into our lives.

The other piece of this is that if we aren't willing to do the work to change things, we don't get to complain about them.  If work isn't going so well, but we aren't willing to find a new job or change our attitude, then we don't get to complain.  All complaining does is remind us of the bad things in our life and draw more bad stuff into our life.  However, when we remind ourselves of how blessed we are, we become more blessed.

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March 22, 2018

Deck;  RWS

First Impressions:  The wish card, inviting people who haven't showed up

Book:  Card of fulfilled wishes, things are yours for the taking

Guidance:  All that you want is yours

Journaling  

I don't like this card as it always makes me think of loneliness.   feel as if the person in the card is opening his heart and no one is saying yes.  Or maybe, that is just how I see the card because I feel as if I am opening myself to love and no one is coming or responding. 

When he did my soul retrieval, Keven picked up doubt trailing me around and I guess it's true.  I have a lot of doubt about how my life is going to turn out and whether I will ever have love.  It feels as if I never will and as if I will be alone forever.  I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do.

Dearest Ones,

Please help me a guide me toward the love of my life.  Please help me find the one that is right for me.

Blessings,
Raine

December 25, 2018

It's interesting that I wrote this just nine months ago, but I feel as if I have been transformed.  I've realized that the very act of opening our hearts and welcoming people in is an act of love and kindness.  I think the problem is that I have such a binary mind (if I do this, then this has to happen), but the world is way more than binary.  I'm realizing that the act of opening my heart and loving is enough.  The world is not a quid pro quo world and that opening my heart is enough. 

I'm realizing that I need to live my life more like Clark and Wendy and less like Luke.  Luke was always hesitant and afraid that we didn't love him, even after he had been part of our life for 10 years.  Clark and Wendy, on the other hand, know that they are worthy of love despite the fact that before they came into our lives there was not much evidence of it.  They love with open hearts and that is the way I need to live my life.  I need to live my heart knowing that I am worthy of love and that if someone does not love me, that is on them and not on me.

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November 14, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Friendship

Book: Saluting comfort, abundance, and good fortune, fortune that is of good cheer, you have achieved a place of comfortable abundance

Guidance:  Be aware of the energy of the hermit to the extreme, share what you have with graciousness

Journaling

Interesting read on this card.  I love the reminder to not be the hermit as that is my preference.  I love to hide away and have my alone time.  I recharge when I am alone.  I need to find my balance between alone time and not shutting people out.  I don't know yet where that balance is.  Part of it is that I have to be so on at work that being on at home is a daunting thought.  My daughter calls it emotional labor and she's right.  I also know that in some ways it is harder than psychical labor.

November 20, 2017

I really need to work to cultivate balance in my life.  It is way too easy for me to stay in my little hermit mode and stay isolated.  I need to work harder to get out of myself as it is way too easy to stay in my little hermit shell and stay isolated.  However, the flip side is do I need to meet people, is there anything wrong with being solitary?

October 30, 2018

I think I'm doing much better at this because I am finally at a place where I've realized that it is okay to be a hermit and it is okay to be myself.  There is nothing shameful about not wanting to be around people 24/7.   John ridiculed me and made fun of me if I did not want to constantly be around people.  I think he uses people to hide from himself whereas I used to using my alone time to hide from people.  I think I'm finally at a point where I am finding balance.

It really helps knowing that how much or how little I socialize is purely my choice and is not anyone else's.  That helps me to feel a lot better and it honestly makes it easier to socialize with others.  I also am realizing that I do need people in my life, but I need to control the dosage and the method of delivery.  I want to have people I can talk to about real issues and not just have a group of people who are drinking buddies.  I think I'm starting to make progress on this front.  It's hard, but I'm getting there.

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September 29, 2016

Nine of Cups
Hanson-Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  This card shows a bartender all ready for guests, but there is no one there to drink with him.  He looks happy and welcoming.  He also has a peacock feather in his vest, which is interesting as peacock feathers are symbols of good luck in the east and bad luck in the west.  The nine of cups always strikes me as a card of friendship and good times.

Book:  Realizing a long held dream, period of emotional contentment.  It's possible someone may be missing from your life. 

Guidance:  Appreciate what you have

Journaling:

The words that struck me as I read this is that there is probably someone missing from your life.  This last week has really been about missing my mom, but I don't know how to reconnect.  The rules I choose to live by (treating people with respect, setting boundaries, and not giving unsolicited advice) are ones that make sense to me and I surround myself with people who treat me like I want to be treated.  I have no clue how to set boundaries with her because she won't respect them.  She will be hurt and see boundaries as a rejection.  Maybe I just need to think it over and then be willing to listen.

December 23, 2017

It really hurt to read what I wrote over a year ago and realize that I'm still feeling like an orphan and motherless.  It hurts to not have someone who loves me unconditionally and who will listen to me when I cry and support me.  I never have had that in my life as my entire childhood growing up I always had to be careful what I said so I didn't set her off.  I could never be honest about what was going on in my life because I would either be judged or get a lecture.  There is no one from my childhood who could just flipping listen and support without being judgemental. 

What especially ticked me off is how people would give advice even when I didn't ask for it.  My Uncle Gene had to advise me how to spend my money and that flying lessons were a waste even though I didn't ask for his advice.  And the first thing my mother said when she walked in to my new house was,  "Why'd you put that picture there?  I would have put it there."  How flipping rude and insulting is that?  The house was clean and looked really nice, but she had to find fault.  I can't do that any more in my life. 

It is one thing if someone is endangering themselves or others, but if they are making judgments that are different than mine, it is not my place to give advice.  And I would never walk in to someone's house and critique their decorating.  That is just rude.

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September 15, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions:  Interesting card.  I like how it shows the main full face right up in the camera.  I find the peacock feather interesting as that is a symbol of luck and hospitality in eastern cultures.  My initial impressions of this card are of happiness and welcoming.  It also speaks to friendship and collaboration.

Book:  Realization o a dream.  Imaginative and creative life.  Flourishing.

Guidance:  Count your blessings.  Appreciate what you have.

December 22, 2018

Oddly enough, I didn't journal on this card either.  I must have been uber busy at the time I was pulling these cards.  I like the reminder to count my blessings.  I have been working really hard to focus on the positive lately and not get bogged down in the negative.  Right now, I'm a little pissed off that we have a defect heading into the holidays and we're expected to work while on PTO to resolve it.  I understand that that is the nature of the beast, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it.

Deliberate Draw: Six of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Balancing, resources, unequal

Book:  Sharing resources, remembering how others have helped you, the human heart holds a profound capacity for generosity

Guidance:  If you are in need, expect help in some form, share some of your abundance

Journaling

I love the reading on this card.  The six of pentacles is a card that I historically have a difficult relationship with as the first six of pentacles card I ever worked with was the DruidCraft, but this card really makes it about sharing the wealth and paying it forward.  It is a reminder that none of us exists in a vacuum and that  we all need someone else's help.  I think a part of being open and willing to accept help is the attitude in which help is asked for.  I am so much more willing to provide help when it is asked for in an attitude of humility and not entitlement.  I get really angry when people act as if my money is there money and they are entitled to it.  That's happened to me a could of times when people would ask for money, then act as if what I gave them was not enough.  Or when people said they wanted money for food and I bought them food and that wasn't enough.  I'm much more discriminating in who I give help to these days.  I think part of it is perception and people assume that if someone has nice clothes, a computer, etc., then they have all the money in the world, but I don't and the reason that I do have nice things is that I work for them.

Accepting help is also all about attitude.  I don't ask for or accept help if it feels like charity or if the person giving the help acts as if they are superior to me.  I have worked really hard to get to the point where I feel good about myself and I'm not going to put myself in a position of inferiority to someone else.  There are things I am lacking that others have and things that others are lacking that I have.  One of the lessons I've learned about equality is that it doesn't mean we are all equal in everything. It really just means that it evens out.  That's a hard concept to grasp sometimes because I was brought up thinking equality meant everyone had the same size piece of cake and that is not what it means at all.

The other important part of this card is that sharing isn't just about money.  It is also about sharing the intangible gifts we have with others.  It means sharing our knowledge, our support, and just generally helping people get by in this world.  The world can be a cold and hard place and a kind world often means the world.