Shadow Work--Day 12

How do I integrate my shadow?

Dreamer King tells me to cut through the illusions and the bullshit.  I have spent enough time working on healing work that I know it is bullshit to think everyone will treat me like my ex-husband.  I also need to cut through my old beliefs that came from my misogynistic upbringing.  I do not need a man to be happy.  I do not need a man to be successful.  It would be nice to have someone to hang out with and confide in, but I am a fully functional human being all by myself without anyone else.  That is a really hard concept for me because I saw how divorced women were treated when I grew up (and yes that was in the 70's and 80's).  Divorced women were to be pitied for not being able to keep their men and they were expected to either go out and get a new man or to move in with their parents.  Intellectually I know that is total garbage, but I guess there was a part of me that believed that bullshit.  Dreamer King tells me that I have the responsibility to let go of that way of thinking.

Dancer Two is a card that I love because it shows the soul mates back to back instead of face to face.  I like this because it tells me that soul mates can be connected and always be there for the other, but that being soulmates doesn't mean I have to be completely focused on the other person.  Even though we are partners and together, we can still have our own lives and our own interests.  This is the complete opposite of my marriage where John said he wanted us to build our own interests, but every time I tried he sabotaged me.  I wanted to go back to school and he put up road blocks.  I started working out after work and he started taking an earlier train so I'd have to pick him up sooner.  He also expected me to be interested in everything he did and got pouty when I wasn't interested in football.  That is now how a relationship should work and that is the very clear message I'm getting from Dancer Two.

Dreamer Eight tells me that I sometimes get caught up in my own illusions and it is okay to cut through them and to recognize them for what they are.  I have chosen to trap myself and it is time to free myself.  I have it within my power to cut through everything that is holding me back and to step out of the trap.  All that is holding me back is my own beliefs.  This card has come up multiple times lately as it came up for my card of the day on Friday and it came up when someone read for me.  The universe is screaming at me that it is time to step out of my own constraints.

Shadow Work--Day 11: Where do I hesitate in relationships and why?

Where do I hesitate in relationships and why?

Dreamer Ten tells me that I hesitate in relationships because I am terrified of getting hurt.  I'm terrified of having my heart ripped out again and I know that I could not handle this hurt again.  Interestingly enough, Ten of Swords came up yesterday in a reading I received yesterday as a reason that I hesitate in relationships and it is a mental block and not a block from my heart.  My brain has convinced me that I am unlovable, that I am not worthy of love, and that everyone out there who might be interested in me will take advantage of me and bleed me dry.  I am projecting all of the hurt from my ex-husband on everyone else.  As long as I continue projecting on everyone else, I will never be able to have a relationship because I will keep everyone at arm's length.

Dreamer Nine is interesting as I have nightmares about not being loved and being unloved forever, but it is my own fear that is keeping love at bay.  There is no room in my life for love as long as I am haunted by nightmares of being hurt.  I think it is time that I actually addressed the physical and emotional abuse that I received.  For the most part, I've dealt with the emotional abuse and am in a place where I would recognize emotional abuse for what it was.  I've also gotten so much stronger at setting boundaries and cutting people out of my life.  I would also walk away after the first time someone hit me, but I'm terrified of letting someone close enough for there to be a first time.  My mind has built barriers to opening up and letting people in to protect my body.

Dancer Seven is telling me that I am drowning in these illusions.  I have so bought into my belief that anyone I meet would hurt me that I can't seem to release this and let it go.  I have built my barricades up so high and I am so convinced that my only alternative is to keep people out.  This is why I am in such a place of fear and it is so difficult for me to actually connect with people and make friends and have relationships.

This was an incredibly powerful and insightful reading and it has identified something I didn't realize before as I had kind of shrugged off the physical abuse my ex put me through and focused on the emotional abuse, but I've realized that my mind has built a lot of barriers to protect myself from this abuse.