Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Six of Swords

 May 25, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Sisterhood, escaping under the dark of night, escaping domestic violence, going into the void together

Book:  Cutting losses, escaping, carried pain, relocation

Guidance: Everything moves in its own time

Journaling:

Working with K is interesting as she is not escaping domestic violence, but she is leaving behind a bad situation to move on and what I see in her is some of the same reluctance that I saw in myself. My marriage was horrible, but it was what I knew.  It was what I had been raised to believe was what I was supposed to do:  stay with someone who abused me because I had taken a vow.  There are days I really hate my mother for how much she fucked up my head.  How she taught me that love was pain and that no matter what I was supposed to stay married.  

There is a part of me that feels that I was totally stupid for believing that and a part of me that blames myself, but the reality is that she was my mother and she was supposed to love and nurture me, but she didn't do that.  She hurt me and taught me that I was disposable.  I know that I am a strong and independent woman, but there is a part of me that is a scared little girl.  I'm getting the message to set up an altar to that scared little girl and to take care of her.

Where: I'm home today.  I worked from home and after work, I went to Metro to work with K. on her resume.  It actually felt really good to sit with her and help her on her resume.  It made me feel like I was doing something useful and productive.

Weather:  The weather was nice today.  It was a little chilly, but the sun was out

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 23%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 am / 8:49

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February 21, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, grief at leaving a place with meaning.  Birds moving on

Book:  Transitions, help arriving at the perfect time, healing, moving beyond trauma

Guidance:   Ask for and accept help

Journaling:

Where I'm At:  I'm at home sitting in my living room, feeling the peace of my altar as I am reminded of the healing power of the earth.  Clark is snoring on the ottoman with his snoot covered up by a blanket.  I'm supposed to go to Open Table tonight, but I'm exhausted and my sinuses are acting up.  I also have to admit that it just feels like an overwhelming amount of effort to take a shower, get dressed, and go out.  Even though the world is opening up, more and more I feel like hiding.  I just feel overwhelmed by everything.  However, I also know that a big part of why I feel overwhelmed today is that I ODed on sugar yesterday.  I ate 4 donuts, a candy bar, 64 oz of juice, and probably a bunch more garbage.  The thing is that it didn't even make me feel good.  It just made me feel more and more draggy and gross and my mood became more and more depressed.  

The problem is that I hate my job so much that I use food, especially sugar, to distract myself.  Then I pay the price because I feel depressed and draggy.  I'm working to take care of myself today by drinking lots of water to flush out my body and relaxing.  

Mood:  I'm mostly in a good mood, but I am exhausted as Wendy was limping so I slept on the couch with her.  As a result, I am a little cranky and stiff.

Weather:   It is actually beautiful out as it is 51 degrees and as I write this I'm hearing a bird outside.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 76%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13 am/ 6:07 pm


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August 9, 2019

Deck:  
Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Journeying, venturing out

Book:  Journey out of consciousness

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be led out of the darkness

Journaling

Leaving home and setting out on a trip is always about shifts in consciousness.  It is about leaving behind what is familiar and setting out with only the things we need into the unknown.  Even if the route has been well mapped, there is still a sense of difference and moving into something less familiar.  There is always a sense that there are new lessons to be learned and potential danger even if the road is well traveled.

We had a beautiful drive through Ohio and West Virginia.  We went exploring and found Salt Lake State Park which is a huge park with camping, a cave, and lots of trails.  It's a place that we may venture back to with the dogs for a weekend or for a few days of R&R.  One of the things I love about traveling with Cam is that we just meander, we let ourselves explore the interesting side roads and byways.  I think that's the best part of travel as you see new things and you learn new things.  I know that as we were driving, I had the sense of leaving all my cares behind and finding my way toward peace.

One of the coolest things that happened was that as we were going through the mountains and we were talking about how hitchhikers were dumb and putting themselves at risk, we both smelled perfume or hotel soap in the car.  The smell just came upon us all of the sudden and it filled the car.  Both Cam and I smelled it.  I'm not sure if it was a ghost or what, but it was pretty cool.

We ended our night in a Motel 6 and I always find it funny that I feel so much like it is traveling and vacation when I stay at cheap hotels.  Staying at more expensive hotels always feels like work, which makes sense because those are the hotels I stay in when I work.  There is just a sense of adventure in staying at cheap hotels because it feels so transient and as if this is where we are tonight, but tomorrow we'll be somewhere else.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the beautiful drive
I'm grateful for leaving early
I'm grateful for the conversation with Cam
I'm grateful for the snuggly bed
I'm grateful for Sean taking care of the doggos
I'm grateful for the beautiful moon over the mountains
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May 21, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Fleeing, walking away, courage

Book:  Journeys of all kinds, taking a trip, change of consciousness, exploring realms on the other side

Guidance:  The time has come to leave old pain, places, and patterns behind, choose to take the next steps

Journaling:

This is such a card of courage and commitment and that's where I'm at right now as I am choosing to commit to my new life and to leave my hold life behind.  It's funny, buying a house with John in 2007 was a bigger commitment than marriage because it involved my financial security and he came close to destroying me financially when he walked out because he chose not to help and he chose to just walk away.   The funny thing is that at the time that I signed the paperwork I knew it would end poorly, but I chose to take the commitment because I believed that it was a commitment that would save my marriage.  It did not.

Buying a house in 2015 and choosing to move to Cleveland was my physical moving on and leaving behind Chicago and all that it entailed.  What I just found out from two close friends from Chicago as they both viewed it as a spiritual graduation of sorts as I was taking charge of my own life and making deliberate choices versus drifting.  It was a huge step in my growth, but I'm still working on moving forward and finding my way.  What I have found is that, as the text from the World Spirit, book says, "...the hardest part may be getting over your fear of moving into unknown territory."  For me, unknown territory means choosing to claim my life as my own and choosing to move forward alone instead of waiting for someone to share my life with.  

It is a little scary to accept that I may always be alone, but it is also very liberating as well as it means that I don't have to subjugate myself to anyone.  I can paint my bathroom pink if I want to, I can buy a little red sports car, I can live my life according to my own wishes and not have to take someone else's opinions into consideration.  It's liberating and scary all at the same time, but I'm finally ready.


Exercise:

Pull the six of swords from your favorite deck, climb into the boat, and sail toward your destiny.
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August 23, 2017


Six of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot
Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Movement

Book:  Goddess of arts, healing, and battle, being initiated to battle, this is a time of learning

Guidance:  Accept guidance and find your purpose, prepare for challenges, learn from trusted teachers, balance activities

Journaling:

Wow!  What an interesting card to draw today for what I learned from today.  I've been asking what the next steps are and where I go from here.  I'm being led and this card is telling me to accept guidance and find my purpose.  Every time I ask to be led, it keeps coming back to tarot.  I love tarot and it has really helped me to make that final push to heal and all of the work I've done to date has been amazing, but it is the tarot work that has been pushing me thee last few yards.

What I love about it is that it is the same that is different.  I read the cards with my mind and my heart.  I will continue to pray and meditate and allow myself to be guided wherever this journey takes me.

December 18, 2017

I'm still not sure what it all means, but I know I cannot earn what I earn now by doing tarot and I need to earn my salary.

December 25, 2017

The message I'm being given is to trust and I will be taken care of.  I need to trust that it will all turn out the way it is meant to.  It is incredibly hard to live a life of trust and surrender as those two words are the antithesis of my personality, but I really need to let go of my need to control my destiny and trust that they have something amazing and wonderful in store for me and that all I need to do is to take the next step.  I know I've been guided to where I'm at today and that the next step has appeared as I've needed to take it, so why should I doubt that they will continue to guide me and be there for me?
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October 20, 2016

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  
Moving away from chaos, calm seas ahead

Book:  Journey, passage away from hardship, moving on, but bringing baggage

Guidance:  Cut one's losses and move on, unload some baggage

Journaling

Definitely a message that I've been getting lately that I need to let go of the baggage and move on  It is also something that I've been trying to do, but i keep getting dragged back to Chicago.  I'm ready to move on, but I keep being stuck in projects in Chicago and I don't know why I'm stuck in Chicago or what lessons I'm supposed to be learning.

May 25, 2018

I'm realizing that the lesson I needed to learn was that I needed to make an actual decision to leave Chicago and t cut ties.  As long as I was choosing to keep one foot in the city, I was keeping myself bound to Chicago.  I had to deliberately make the decision to not keep going back to Chicago for emotional fulfillment.  That has been a really hard decision for me to make, but it was the right decision for me and my decision not to go to Chicago with Sean a few months ago really helped move me in the right direction.

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