Sunday, July 31, 2022

Week of July 31: Wandering Path

Deck: Sacred Traveler

First impressions:  I  love the fox looking at the map.  This card tells me that there is magick afoot

Book:  Be present with your journey, you will be taken to exactly where you need to be, 

Guidance:  Enjoy the Journey

Journaling

I love this card as it talks to the magic and mystery of trusting the journey.  That is hard for me as I am a control freak and I really love to control the journey.  However, that's not the best course of action.  I need to let go of the need to control everything and trust that there will be opportunities placed in my life that are right for me.  I'm really frustrated about school and the fact that at this moment there is no clear path forward, but I am going to continue to show up.  I'm gong to continue to work on my research and I am going to trust.

The other thing I need to accept is that there are definately things in society that I cannot change and I need to let go of trying to change them.  I need to focus on each step that I'm going to take and on listening to the signs that will help guide me.  


Friday, July 29, 2022

Knight of Swords

July 29, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Sacred Rose

First Impressions:  I love this knight as he has such a steely look in his eyes.  He is going off to do battle and vanquish he enemy and he knows it.

Book:  Mischief, impending struggle, courage, combat, enemy

Guidance:   Defend your boundaries

Journaling:

I love the idea of this knight defending my boundaries.  I have been doing so much better about defending my boundaries and not overcommitting to things that don't add value in my life.  Work could be all consuming, but I'm choosing not to let it be.  However, as I think about boundaries, I think about the physical boundaries in life and people intruding upon my time.  What I don't think about when I think about boundaries is people getting into my head.  I don't do a good job of defending those boundaries as I let people take up space in my head rent free.  I ruminate about the Evil M.  I ruminate about what people think of me.  I ruminate about all types of things and that is not doing a good job of keeping my boundaries.

It's interesting that this came up and it probably did because I came across this great image on Facebook


about what's in my control and what's out of my control.  What other people think of me is one of the big things that is outside of my control and because I worry about what other people think, I often act like an idiot.  That was the case over the last couple of days as I sat in meetings with people and worried that people thought I was stupid or old or whatever.  The truth of the matter is that people most likely weren't thinking of me at all.  I grew up always worried about what people thought as a survival mechanism.  If people liked me, they would take care of me.  If they didn't, I would be left out in the cold.  A lot of that has carried over into, if people like me, I will be employed.  However, the reality is that people only think about you if you are a total jerk and I work hard to be nice and polite.  

However, I don't worry about people thinking I'm not polite, I spend a lot of time worrying about whether or not people will think I am weird.  I worry that the Open Table people think I'm weird or awkward, I worry that people at work think I'm weird or awkward.  I think about not having friends.  The reality is that maybe people think I'm awkward because I worry about people thinking I'm weird or awkward.  I really just need to let all that go.

Where I'm At:  It's first thing in the morning and I'm sitting on the couch with Wendy.  Clark is snoring in he orange chair.

Weather:  It's 67 degrees out

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:16 / 8:48

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

May 7, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Dedication, moving forward

Book: Courage, swiftness,  commitment to ideals

Guidance:  Time flies--Take Action before it is too late

Journaling:

All I want to do today is to sleep and not think about anything.  My body is so tired and exhausted.  It feels as if I have been fighting a war my entire life.  There are small bits of peace, then it is time to get on the horse and keep fighting.  I don't want to keep fighting.  All I want to do is have peace.  I want to live my life and be happy.

I'm tired of fighting people who want to tell me how to live my life.  I do not understand how people think they have the right to tell other people what to do and how to live their lives.  My view of the world is that if someone is doing something that doesn't hurt me, it's none of my business.  

Where:  I'm home today and I am not feeling well.  All I want to do is sleep.  My body is processing a lot of trauma from Roe, to memories and flashbacks, to all the crap that is going on in the world.

Weather:  It is a little cold out today, but bright and clear and Wendy just wants to be outside.  She is the biggest sun dog I've ever seen and it makes me sad to think that she is that way because she didn't get to see the sun when she was younger.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 36%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:13 / 8:31

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 10, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Defend yourself, time flies, protect those who need it

Book:  Courage, swiftness, commitment to ideals (Reversed:  needless battle)

Guidance:  Time flies--Take Action before it is too late

Journaling:

It's interesting as the two things that jumped out about this card were needless battles and taking time.  One of the things that I'm realizing is that a lot of my internal drama with some of the idiots at work is mine. They are just being who they are and I make it about me.  YMAN is a jackass to everyone and it isn't about me at all.  The Evil M thinks she is better than everyone and is so desperate to impress G. that she throws anyone under the bus that she can because she wants to trample her way to the top.  And T man is so na├»ve that he thinks it is all about him and that he gets to boss everyone around.  My boss sees all those things and I don't need to point them out.  My job is to just do my job the best way I know how and let all the bullshit swirl around me.  I don't need to buy into any of it.

The second piece is also intriguing as I know my days are ticking down.  I'm not on a fast ride down the mountain, but I'm 55 and I know I don't have as many years left as I did when I was 20.  I think that makes things more poignant and helps me to realize that I need to make choices as to what's good for me and not worry so much about everything else.  One of the things I love about traveling is that hotel rooms are so clean focused.  There isn't so much crap around to trip over and distract me.  When I get home, I'm going to do some clean up and get rid of things that are just dust collectors.

Where:  I'm in Modesto and the weather is amazing.  I had a great day.  I started by wandering through a farmer's market in Windsor, CA.  It is an adorable little town and it would be so awesome to live in a town where everything is accessible and people know your name.  It doesn't have to be in California, but I just love the family vibe in the town.  Then I had breakfast at this adorable place called the Omelette Express.  The food was amazing and really hit the spot.  I spent a couple of hours driving from Windsor to Modesto and just enjoying the day.  Then I finished my paper that was due and now I'm blogging.  A perfect day.

Weather:  The weather is absolutely spectacular.  It is not too warm, but just right.  I'm sitting in my hotel room right now watching the sun go down.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 62%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:54 am / 8:01 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

February 18, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Running to catch up, soaring free

Book:  Fast action, determination, action hero, going when there is something to be done

Guidance:  Go! Go! Go! And Win

Journaling:

This is an interesting card to pull today as I've been reading a book about the power of slow and this card doesn't mesh with that energy.  However, the one piece of the reading that resonates with me is the need to be decisive and make decisions instead of getting stuck with analysis paralysis.  This card is also about seeing what you want and going after it.  It is about being focused and determined.  Those are good traits even if the pace I go after it is slow.

Where I'm At:  It's almost 5 am and I wasn't able to sleep all night.  I'm sitting on the couch with Wendy cuddled up against my butt.  She's snoring (loudly), but she is so adorable and so happy to be snuggled with her mommy, that I can't be mad or upset.

Mood:  Despite being super tired, I'm in a good mood as I only have to work until noon today and only have two meetings.

Weather:   It is cold and snowy outside.  It's also a little icy as it rained before it snowed yesterday.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 97%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:17 am / 6:03 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 15, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Spark of intelligence and learning

Book: An action that allows a dark cloud to be split and sunny days shine through

Guidance:  Be decisive

Journaling

Cam has been my sword cutting through the dark clouds this week.  I'm enjoying this week so much and I really don't want to have to go back to work and deal with all the BS that that entails.  I want to figure out how to live in a world where I can learn and do research all the time and not have to deal with all the BS that my current job entails.  Hanging out with Cam and seeing how brave she is and how well she deals with her situation is an inspiration.

One of the things that strikes me about this card is that it is not always possible to be decisive, especially if you believe that spirit leads you.  I do believe that I'm being lead and sometimes that means not knowing why I'm doing the things that I'm doing.  I'm not sure why I went to this workshop other than to get credit, but I know that I felt led to attend this seminar and connect with these people.  However, maybe the decisiveness is about choosing to believe in something greater than myself.  Maybe the sword is my belief cutting through the dark cards and letting the light in.  I know that when I work hard to move the dark clouds along, I do feel more connected.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the yummy taco salads
I'm grateful for chilling out with Cam
I'm grateful for Jill doing such a great presentation
I'm grateful for the pictures of Wendy & Clark
I'm grateful for the yummy smoothie
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
March 31, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Rushing into battle, defending someone's honor

Book: Chivalrous tasks, passionate warrior who tries to conquer all that is wrong in the world

Guidance: 

Journaling

This card an mean so many things.  It can mean rushing into battle without a plan, it can mean leaving doubt behind.  For me it means letting go of fear and moving ahead.  There will always be things and people that pull us back, but sometimes we need to move forward despite these doubts.  We need to test the wisdom of our soul instead of trusting other people.  I'm not always so good at this and often get all wound up about what other people think.  I need to let go of that and live my life for me instead of for others.

December 27, 2018

Interesting reading on this today.  I do spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about what other people think.  I've let go of a lot of it and now it is mostly around financial stability.  However, I don't think that is an all together bad thing.  I think we need to do the right things to stay employed and I think that we need to respect other people. 

Wow!  As I wrote that, I realized there is a huge difference between respecting other people and worrying about what other people think.  Respecting other people is about being mindful of people's time, about showing up for meetings on time, about being prepared.  Those are things we should do to stay employed and because we should show respect for others.  The flip side of that is agonizing over every little thing we do and say.  If I am working to do the right things and I am respectful, I need to let go of my worry about people assessing the nuances. 

That's pretty freeing when you think about it.  I've also been doing a lot of meditating on the belief that I owe people explanations or answers to their
questions and I'm realizing that I don't.  I don't need to explain why I am going back to school.  I don't need to explain why I moved to Cleveland.  I don't need to explain any of that to anyone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 11, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card:  Knight of Swords, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Put down your sword, step back and think

Book:  Be on your guard, particularly with people who are new.  Rash decisions, disorganization

Guidance:  Look below the surface with potential love interests.  Go it alone to build life experience.  Slow down, speak your mind

Affirmation:  I guard my energy

Journaling

The meanings for this card were all over the board.  I'm taking from this that I need to be focused with my personal energy and be discriminating with people I meet.  I especially need to watch for energy vampires.

Okay, as I think through these meanings, they make a lot of sense.  This card is about focusing my energy and using it wisely.  It's about watching my energy.

May 14, 2016 Update

I love the meaning of this card as being worthy to speak your ideals.

February 21, 2022

That last sentence from the May 14th update is interesting as I think there are a lot of times where I don't feel worthy to speak my ideals and I let other people speak over me.  I am worthy and I have accomplished a lot in my life time.  However, I am so tired and I just want to rest and do the things that I want to do.


Wednesday, July 27, 2022

the Sun

July 27, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as it is so pretty and sunny.  It makes me happy just looking at it.  I have to be honest and say that the naked child image doesn't really do it for me.  That card is often incredibly creepy.

Book:  Happiness, gentility, joy, enlightenment, success, gratitude, creativity

Guidance:   Enjoy the warmth

Journaling:

Today at work some of my coworkers were talking about going on vacation to Europe and how they were looking forward to it.  It annoyed me, but not really for the reason that I thought I was initially annoyed.  Initially, I thought I was annoyed because they were doing something I could not do.  However, the reality is that that's not true.  I can afford to go to Europe if I want.  What bothers me is working so hard to go on vacation for two weeks, then coming back to work and dreaming of vacation.  I want a life where I am on vacation and enjoy what I do all year round.  I want life to be enjoyable and wonderful and relaxing all the time.  I don't want to keep going to a job that I hate just to pay for a little bit of leisure. 

The other piece that bothers me is that we are spending two days planning how to cut costs and part of that is headcount reduction, which means that the people planning their trips to Europe are planning to eliminate the jobs of people who can't go to Europe.  That really bothers me as the people who make our product are just making it.  I don't know what the solution is, because the truth of the matter I I also love my salary, but that just kind of struck me as wrong.

Where I'm At:  I was in the office today and it was a long day.  We were doing a day long ideation session and it was a lot of talking and brainstorming.  It was good, but I am utterly exhausted.

Weather:  It was rainy today

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 1%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:14 / 8:50

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 12, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Calm, light in the darkness, sunflowers

Book:  Being tall and strong, learn from your past

Guidance:   Feel the sun's energy and don't dampen your energy

Journaling:

The sun is an interesting card for me because the readings about the sun are usually about soaking up the sun and being energetic, but laying in the sun always makes me tired.  All I want to do is sleep after being in the sun.  I think it is because the sun is about receiving energy and about acceptance.  It is about being open to what is and about being open to receiving good things.

I don't think I've been very open lately as I close off good things and I get so set in my mind as to what I want and what should happen, that I don't let myself accept that there may be good things coming from unexpected directions.  I've already convinced myself that I don't want whatever this thing is that Brian is going to talk to me about, but maybe it would be a good thing.  Maybe I need to just need to open myself up.


Where I'm At:  I'm at home today and it is one of those lazy days where I'm just chilling out.  I actually lit a fire this morning because it was a little chilly, but it got warm later in the day

Weather:  It's nice and warm today.  It isn't ungodly hot, but it does feel good

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 94%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:50 / 9:02

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 April 14, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  This card has the same creepy little boy that the World Spirit Tarot is.  That card just makes me cringe.  However, I love the face on the sun and the warmth.  It made me feel happy to see this card.

Book:  Success, Joy, Happiness, Clarity, Openess

Guidance:  the cup runneth over in abundance and love

Journaling:

It's funny because my hackles are going up with the juxtaposition of success and happiness.  I have material success and make more than enough to pay my bills, but I'm miserable.  This job is the absolute worst for me because it feeds my worst characteristics.  It feeds my love of drama and gossip and that is not good for me.  I don't know how to survive without the gossip and backstabbing.  Maybe I need to ask the cards how I can live pure and still work at the Bird.

Where: I started my day in California and ended up at home.  I love California so much, but I love being home with my family and my puppies more.

Weather: It was cold and overcast when I left California today and it is clear tonight but still chilly.

Moon Phase:  Waxing, Gibbous, 93&

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:30 am / 7:38 PM (Modesto)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 7, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Opening myself to receive, loving the sun, here comes the sun, happiness and joy

Book:  Inspirational success, positivity, exuberant creativity, inner beauty

Guidance:  Say yes to happiness

Journaling:

This card is about opening myself to joy and happiness and saying yes to all the good things that life has to open.  I know that there is a lot of darkness and evil in the world and that we can't ignore the bad stuff, but we can also open ourselves up to happiness and say yes to joy.  Say yes to being positive.  Say yes to love and joy.  I don't do such a good job of that as I often get sucked into negativity and sucked into all the bad stuff.  I spend too much time doom scrolling and too much time obsessing over things that I cannot change.  I cannot change what happens in Ukraine.  I cannot change drought.  I cannot change any of those things.  I can pray for the people impacted, but at the end of the day I cannot change it.

I need to let go of all the bad stuff and just say yes to happiness.

Where: I'm at home today and sitting in the living room with the doggos waiting for Sean to come home.  I feel like every entry I make I'm sitting with the dog

Weather:  It was a little chilly out today, but overall beautiful

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 34%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:59 am / 7:58 pm

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, July 24, 2022

Sacred Sunday: Creativity--Judgement



I discovered The Radiant Tarot a few months ago and I really love it because each card not only has a meaning, it also has a creative project to go along with it.  My goal for the next few months is to do a Sacred Sunday creativity project to explore the cards using these prompts.  I may not be perfect about it, but I'm going to give it a go.

I pulled Judgement today and I really love this card as it depicts a faery with butterfly wings who is rising above a rabbit and a tombstone.  The reading for the card is about doing an honest and critical judgement of yourself.  However, this isn't about beating yourself up, it is about identifying attributes (strengths, weaknesses, emotional characteristics, etc.) that you like and don't like.  And if there are characteristics you don't like, it is about taking action to change them.  Interestingly, this same topic came up in the Trauma reading that I did yesterday with the Tarot of Trees.

The Creative Project for Judgement was to sit in front of a mirror and look at yourself.  The guidance was to focus on your breath, but to not take your eyes off of yourself in the mirror.  I don't have a large mirror that is in a conveient place to sit, so I chose to do this exercise with a heavy hand mirror.  I took off my glasses and held the mirror so that I could really study my face.  There are things that I don't like (my double chin, the stray hairs, etc.).  However, there are also things that I do like, the serene look in my eyes and the fact that I mostly look and am happy.  I hate looking at photos of myself when I was with John because I always looked so beaten down and angry.  That anger is gone for the most part, but I don't ever want to forget, because I don't want to ever put myself in that situation again.

As I continue to reflect on the face in the mirror, I realize that I see my parents and grandparents in my face more than I ever have before.  My curly gray hair reminds me of my grandmother and my eyes are my father's.  My mother is there too in the shape of my face, but my smile is all my own.  I also see an elder looking back at me and not a young person.  The elder is a role I've been stepping into lately with mentoring people at work, but it isn't a role I am wholly comfortable with.  There is a part of me that feels I'm not there yet, that it isn't my time to guide and lead.  However, I'm becoming more comfortable with this role.

The last bit of guidance for this project was to write a love letter to myself.

Dearest Raine,

You have come so far from that scared young girl who was terrified that people wouldn't like her.  You've always said yes to adventure and change and that has served you well.  You've traveled the world, but more importantly you've worked to explore and traverse your inner landscape.  In some ways, the inner landscape is more terrifying than the outer.  However, you have done both with grace.

You're also learning to show yourself grace and that self love is one of the most important skills that you will every learn.  At the end of the day, you are the only one you have to rely on so learning to love yourself is important.

Blessings,

Yourself

Thursday, July 21, 2022

Five of Wands

 July 21, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card is strange as it does not give the impression of competition and / or conflict that the traditional five of wands gives

Book:  Challenge, blocks, shifting, finding your flow

Guidance:  Sometimes taking on too much at once occludes your responsiblities 

Journaling:

Where I'm At:  I had to be at the Cleveland plant today and I had an interesting experience on  my way to the office.  I stopped by Burger King because I was starving and the gentleman working called me hun and other endearments and I was a little offended, but then I got the window and it was this older very well dressed Black gentleman.  I was wearing a long sleeved shirt and a tie and he just looked like he was proud of who he was and what he was doing.  I made me think about whether I carry myself like that and the answer is most likely no as I don't really care about dressing up.

Weather:  It started out nice this morning when I needed to go into the Cleveland office, but it got hot and gross later in the day.  I went out for dinner with Tiffany and by the time we got to Ohio City, it was absolutely disgusting.  It was about 90 degrees and incredibly humid.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 41%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:09/8:55 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

March 13, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Competition, climbing toward the light, competition with oneself

Book:  Competition, Conflict, Ambition, being pushed by others to excel,

Guidance:   Retreat from energies that are draining your progress

Journaling:

This is an interesting card for me to pull because there are times I feel I need to compete with the evil M.  However, the truth of the matter is that I don't need to compete with her at all.  I'm my own person and I do an awesome job at what I do.  She feels the need to compete with me, but that doesn't mean I need to compete with her.  I view this like a fight, when someone is pushing and pushing against someone who doesn't push back, ultimately I will step aside and she will fall flat on her ugly face.  I know that's super mean of me, but I'm so tired of all her crappy little comments and judgementalism.  Oh well, I know my boss doesn't buy into her garbage so I just need to let it go.  She will get hers eventually.

Where I'm At: I'm at home sitting in the living room while Wendy rolls around on the floor like the goof she is.

Weather: It's flipping cold outside.  Even though it is March it is 15 degrees out and snowing.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 69%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:41 am / 7: 31 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 16, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Battling for a cause, strife

Book:  Reality crashes with ideals

Guidance:  Reality clashes with ideals. Patience and perseverance are needed in order to accomplish goals.

Journaling

It was such a day of contrasts today as I spent the day learning and being passionate about really interesting stuff.  Then I got sucked back into my day job when Scott called me.  I was a little pissed off, but I also know that he has a job to do as well and that he needed my help to do it well.  I also appreciate the fact that he is really gaining an appreciation of OCM.  The real struggle is my own internal struggle as I see where I want to go with my life, but I'm stuck where I'm at because of finances.  I feel trapped, but I don't know how to change my life and move into a place of living from passion.  Part of feeling trapped is the bills because if I had everything paid off, I could afford to make less money.  However, it seems like there is always something that needs to be paid.

One of the things I need to do is to be better at eating cheap when I travel because if I don't spend it, I get to keep the per diem and if I'm careful I could use some of that to pay my bills off.  I also need to just stop spending so much.  That is an inner conflict though because I know that I use spending as a way to make myself feel better.  I know it isn't smart, but sometimes I just feel like I bust my butt for everyone else and I don't get anything for me.  When I feel that way, I have a real tendency to spend, spend, spend.  Maybe I just need to ritually start turning over my spending every day and ask them to help me.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the pretty drive through Durham
I'm grateful that I was able to be patient and present for Cam
I'm grateful for Cam for talking me off the ledge when I was angry
I'm grateful for choosing to take care of myself and leave early
I'm grateful for the awesome Lobster Roll
I'm grateful for the rain

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
July 10, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Conflict, anger, crossed swords (wands)

Book:  Conflict often brings surprising gifts, being challenged causes you to get clear on what you believe and builds your self confident
Guidance:  Do not run from confrontation, but see what insights it might offer, be confident, but playful

Journaling

It was a rough day today as it just felt like there was so much conflict and ugliness, particularly among the consulting team.  It feels like certain players just don't want to play by the rules, but want to make their own rules.  And it's really frustrating because they don't see the fact that they are making decisions that are not theirs to make and as such are causing anger and dissension among the ranks.  I also  see a total lack of personal responsibility and willingness to take ownership for their bad behavior.  However, I also see the person who is in charge being unwilling to engage in confrontation.  It's really hard to call people on their bad behavior, but if you don't do it and you try to take the nice way, things never get better.  I have learned the hard way that idiots who refuse to follow directions generally need to be told they are idiots before they get in line.  If you just continue to accommodate them, they will continue to behave badly.

The problem is that I'm not in charge of this rodeo so I'm not empowered to make them stop behaving badly and if I do step in, that just makes the situation worse.  However, it is also not my rodeo and I need to stop taking it all personally and stop making it about me.  It's not about me and I'm not the one that needs to tamp down the insurrection.  This is a good lesson for me about leadership and management because I see the person in charge doing the wrong things.  She needs to squash the rebellion and cut off their avenues of escape/escalation.  And until she is willing to do that, we won't get very far.  She is just way to accommodating.  There is a difference between being in a position where you don't truly have power and one where you don't.  I generally don't have power so I need to look for allies to help enforce things. 

Gratitudes

Going to sleep on time
Watching Anthony Bourdain in Ghana
IMing with Cam
Getting support from my extended team

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 26, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Conflict

Book:  Learning your own strengths and weaknesses, helping ourselves and others, old flaws are challenged

Guidance:  Do your best for your own good and the good of others, shake things up and see what happens

Journaling

This card about competing with others to make everyone better.  I'm not sure why I pulled this card today, but it gives me something to reflect on.  I do know that I need to be my best self, but I'm not positive what that means.  I guess it is something to reflect on.

July 7, 2018

I've always viewed competition one of two ways:  Either I had to be so good that I was going to obliterate the other person or I was going to walk away and not compete.  Maybe I need to change how I look at competition and look at it as a collaboration with people pushing the other person to be their best self.

Collaboration and working with others is something that is really difficult for me.  I much prefer to do things my own way and I always feel like anyone that I work with is in competition with me.  Maybe I need to think about this as others pushing me to be my best self.  I don't know if I will ever be  that enlightened.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 5, 2016


Deck:  
Herbal Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:   Put down your weapons

Book:  Revealing an inner weakness, drawing our energy

Guidance:  Consider what your weaknesses led to conflict, look inward for conflict

Affirmation:  I heal myself

Journaling


Interesting reading of this card about healing inner weaknesses.  I feel really week lately as I'm realizing more and more that I need someone in my life.  I was thinking today about how we feel okay saying that a kid blossoms with attention, but adults are supposed to fulfill our own emotional needs and I'm realizing that I can't do that

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 27, 2016

Five of Fire
Gaian Tarot
Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  Five of Fire

Journaling:

Interesting that this was not technically the card of the day.  I clicked on Draw a Card in the app instead of Today's Card and this is what I got.  This card is very apt though as I am playing with fire as I am letting all rhyme and reason go out of my head where a certain someone is concerned.  I could let myself get totally consumed by his flame and that would not be a healthy place for me to be, but there is a part of me that doesn't care.

May 8, 2016

I'm still not sure what the meaning of this card is.  I originally thought it was about playing with fire and getting burned, but the fire breather controls the fire without getting burned.  I think this requires some more prayer and meditation.

December 25, 2017

The five of fire can be an incredible high, but it can also be dangerous as the person breathing fire and /or the audience can get burned.  I think the message for me is to be careful.  I have the tendency to become obsessed and let myself be consumed by people and things.  I've been working hard to learn to take a step back and I have to say I've been way better about it.

Monday, July 18, 2022

Ace of Pentacles

 July 18, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  The Ace of Pentacles is rising above the mountains, but the mountains also look like clapping hands

Book:  New Opportunity, Prosperity, Abundance, Manifestation

Guidance:   A new opportunity presents itself

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull today as Glenn finally told me what this new job they were talking about back in May was.  They wanted me to do a job swap with someone in Arlington in order to give me more strategic experience, but I'm not sure how I would be gaining more strategic experience as it would just be doing change management for strategic planning and not T&P.  And they already have someone in a CM role and I have learned that I don't do well when I have to share.  I like to be the alpha and I don't like to have other people in the same role I'm in.  It does not end well.

On the positive side, I didn't get my ass handed to me over refusing to play nice with Bitch M.  I was honestly expecting to get chewed out, but nope.  And I know that Brian and Glenn talked so I guess that whole thing is done.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home sitting on the couch with Wendy.  She was a total nightmare dog today.  I ran out for 15 minutes and in that 15 minutes she had taken stuff off the table and woke Cam up.

Weather:  It rained most of the morning today.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 72%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:06 / 8:58

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 May 16, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Hard work, stars, seeing the glittery side of the world

Book:  New resource, wealth, health, comfort, nurture

Guidance: Divinity has a hand in a new opportunity

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull with all the shiny stars and illumination.  It's funny because I've been saying "let there be light" about my new window and the card that I pull today is all about light and stars.  I also got goosebumps as I read about divinity having a hand in a new opportunity because of how I felt when I walked into Metro.  It felt like I was home an that was super weird.  It felt as if that was a place I could see myself going to every week and helping others.  I don't know, that is probably a pipe dream because there is now way that they can pay as much as I need to make.  I guess I just need to keep praying and turning it over.

Where: I'm at home this week!  My new window came and it is amazing.  It is so wonderful to be able to open the window and get fresh air in the house.  And I was so proud of Wendy this morning.  She came downstairs to hang out with me when the installers were here and she just sat on my lap and cuddled.  She looked over at them once or twice, but she didn't even go up and say hello.  I also went to Metro Health today to meet with K. and G. and it was super nice to actually meet people.  It was also the oddest thing as I walked into Metro, I felt like I was home.  It so felt like where I belonged, but I don't know how to make that happen.

Weather:  It rained this morning when they were putting in my new window, but it cleared up and was sunny later in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Full Moon.  There was also an eclipse today, but it was cloudy so it wasn't really visible in the Cle.

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:04 /8:40

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 3, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Sunny, fulfillment

Book:  Material realm, hearth, home, body, nature, seeds planted will grow into lasting achievements

Guidance:  Ground your ambitions into practical matters, remember that what is most sacred can be found within yourself

Journaling

One of the most important lessons that I am learning lately is about the importance of being kind to myself and that means eating healthy food, making sure I get enough sleep, exercising, and basically taking good care of me.  It also means not berating myself and beating myself up.  I'm also realizing that how we treat our selves is truly reflected in how we treat others and the planet.  Even people who think they are being kind to themselves or are taking care of themselves are not because they push themselves too hard, they don't get enough sleep, they eat junk, or they drink too much caffeine.  Truly honoring ourselves means being cognizant of what we put into our bodies.  If we don't honor and take care of ourselves, how can we take care of the world?

One of the biggest changes I've made lately is being kind to myself.  I always used to berate myself for my weight, for how I looked, and for every mistake I've made.  As I've come to love and appreciate myself more, I've started to be kinder to myself.  I've started to accept who I am and work to be the best person I can be instead of beating myself for things I can't change overnight.  I've realized that I was punishing myself for my weight by not sleeping and by not taking care of myself.  However, I've started realizing that I need to make sure I get enough sleep, I need to exercise even if it is just a little bit every day, and I've started working to let go of the stress in my life.  What I've found is that as I let go of the stress, I'm not so hungry.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 18, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Loss of money, disillusioned, loss of wholeness

Book:  Gift of resources, health issues, lack of firm opportunity, refusing to play it safe, be careful about finances, delays

Guidance:  Do not undervalue this gift, shift your priorities, stay put for now, be cautious financially

Journaling

Interesting card to draw.  I'm not sure what it means, but I will pay attention.  My gut tells me it is not about money, but about health and that I need to make this the year to truly pay attention to my body.  I know I need to cut the sugar as it is literally killing me.  But that means I need to develop alternative energy sources.  My current strategy is to just keep sucking down sugar, but that's not working.  I need to eat slower burning energy sources that will give me longer lasting energy.

July 7, 2018

I am still sucking down too much sugar and starches and not eating the right things at all.  I am abusing my body and there are days I feel like an alcoholic as I just crave the stuff and I cannot stop drinking soda.  I don't know what the solution is, but maybe it is to take a week off and spend some time getting in touch with my body and figuring out what feels right.

I also need to dig back into the Good Mood cookbook.  It has such good guidance in it, but I haven't made the time or energy to dig into it.  I am going to commit to reading it this month and putting the principles into practice next month as I will be home most of the month.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 2, 2016

First Impressions: 
Ace of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts
 The ace is supported by flowers, which reiterates the connection to the earth.  The background is pink suggesting either sunrise or sunset.  This card speaks to me of financial good fortune and a sense of completion, which seems odd as Aces are traditionally about beginnings.

Book:  New ventures, investment, financial gains, gifts of financial wisdom.

Guidance:  Be prepared to deal with minor stuff .  Do not lose site of spiritual wisdom.  Ground yourself.

Journaling

I am in a place right now where I do need to ground myself in the physical world.  My blood sugar numbers are horrible and I'm not sure how to fix it.  Okay, that's a lie.  I know how to fix it, I need to give up sugar and exercise.  However, giving up sugar is hard for me right now because I am fundamentally unhappy and I need love in my life and without it, I kind of feel like what's the point?

I know I am committing suicide by sugar and that it needs to stop, but my heart aches and I am ready for love and it is hard to continue to be positive when I'm alone.  I just want someone to laugh with and to share the good and the bad with.  I also disagree with Scott's advice to waiting before embarking on super powerful love magick.  Waiting never serves a good purpose for me when I have made a decision and I have.

I'm ready to let go and move on.  I just need to chart my course and execute.  If I continue to wait, I will be waiting my entire life and that's not what I want.  I'm ready to have someone new in my life.  I will always love him, but I'm done waiting.

December 23, 2017

Wow!  I am impressed with myself.  I did do a cord cutting ritual and I did let go and although it has been hard, I've worked hard to make deliberate choices to not reconnect.  I've chosen to not go to Chicago and have lunch.  I've chosen to not send emails.  I've chosen not to answer some emails.  In short, I've made the decision that is right for me and there are times it sucks, but overall it feels really really good to have made the deliberate choices to let go of the obsession.

I've also worked hard at focusing on me and focusing on living my life for me and not waiting until I have someone in my life.  I am strong and capable and although it would be nice to have someone, it is also kind of nice to have my own space and to be able to grow and change at my own pace.

Thursday, July 14, 2022

Four of Swords

 July 14, 2022

Deck:  The Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card is confusing as I have no clue what a Russian soldier has to do with relaxing.

Book:  Seclusion, minimalism, meditation, self-care, rest, contemplation

Guidance:   Don't fear what is next

Journaling:

This card is about taking a pause, getting your head on straight, then choosing a course of action and proceeding.  This is a really important reminder to me today that I need to take a pause.  I need to retreat from the fray so I can determine what's next and make a good decision.  I've been so angry and frustrated this week about the Evil M and the Incompetent B. that I haven't been thinking rashly.  I've been letting my emotions drive me and that is never a good place to make a final decision.  However, I have an interview set up for the next week and all will be good.

This was also a good week since I was at the plant, it was easier to avoid the Evil M and her taking over and acting like the boss.  I had a good excuse to not be her minion.  However, the good thing is that I know in two years I will have forgotten who she is or she will be one of those memories of "Remember what an ass that person is?"  

Where I'm At:  I'm in Trenton today and I'm actually enjoying  my time here, except for the heat.  I went to Chillicothe for dinner and the town is kind of cool.   There are murals painted around town and there are some restaurants in old buildings.  However, I had one of the absolute worst meals ever.  I ordered ribs and I thought they'd be good because KC BBQ is a thing.  However, the ribs were undercooked and were not falling off the bone and the lobster was overcooked.  I would have been super pissed if I had been paying for it.

Weather:  It is super F*ing hot.  It was about 95 today with a real feel close to 100. 

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 99

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 / 8:44

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

February 20, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Cocooning, safety, feeling secure, I love that the swords are needles in this image

Book:  Dee[ reset, burnout, taking a vacation from reality, healing, recuperation, self love, introspection

Guidance:   Take time for deep rest and healing

Journaling:

I love this message in this card because it is about that deep, restorative healing that we all need sometimes in order to take care of ourselves.  This is also a reminder that self-care is about doing the hard work of working through trauma and taking care of ourselves.  I have been so much better about taking care of myself lately.  It used to be that I punished my body and my soul because I thought I wasn't good enough, but I've realized that I am good enough and I have been taking care of myself. 

It is really hard some days because it feels like there is so much to do, but I've stopped letting my mother be in my head telling me that I don't matter and all that matters is a clean house.  I don't like having a messy house, but I am learning to accept that it is okay if there are blankets lying around and things aren't all put away.  If the choice is between taking care of myself and cleaning house, I'm going to always choose taking care of myself.  However, I also know that there are times when cleaning house is what I need to do to take care of myself.

I did trauma work last night and I slept so deeply.  I just fell into the deepest sleep and it felt very restorative.  

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today, sitting on the couch with Clark.  He's got his sweet little snoot stuck in my legs and I'm feeling very loved.

Mood:  I'm in a good mood.  I slept deeply last night and woke up 6.  I'm still feeling a little sleepy, but overall I'm good.

Weather:   It is bitter cold outside (20, but feels like 6) and I'm not feeling like leaving the house, but I have errands I gotta run.  I'm gonna leave in a few minutes so I can get home sooner.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 85%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:14 am/ 6:06 pm

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 23, 2019

Deck:  tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  At a crossroads, disregarding distractions

Book:  Being protected from the piercing thoughts

Guidance:  Take a rest from your challenges

Journaling:

What I love about this version of the four of swords is it does not show the woman completely withdrawn, instead she is shown as pierced through by her thoughts, but still able to maintain and be at peace.  That is a difficult skill and one that I am not always good at as I let myself get distracted by my thoughts and go down rabbit holes.  What I'm finding though is that the more I am able to center and to withdraw within myself, the more I am able to find peace, and the more I am able to find peace, the more I am able to peacefully influence others.

Interestingly as I look at this card, it reminds me of how I am with one of my more challenging clients, it is as if I withdraw within myself and I am able to interact from a place that means it is not personal.  I can almost physically feel myself contracting when I deal with this person and I am able to operate from a place where I am not swayed by anything that she says.  It is so weird because I feel an almost physical phenomenon when I pull my energy in.  It doesn't really feel good or bad, but I definitely feel contacted and more guarded.  In some ways this is taking a rest from my challenges because I am not letting them influence me or sway me.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the beautiful drive to Kent
I'm grateful for the good meeting with my SF client
I'm grateful for lunch with the team
I'm grateful for the good conversation with Cam
I'm grateful for letting myself just be today

January 15, 2022 Revisit

It's interesting as I read this about pulling my energy in and withdrawing to deal with difficult people.  I think that is a skill that I need to revisit in dealing with M.  She drives me completely nuts and I need to stop letting her bother me.  I think I need to meditate before any interactions with her and physically pull my energy in.  I need to let Nephthys put her wings around me and shield me from that bitch's negative energy.  I know she is deliberately trying to undercut me, but I just need to let it go.  The freezer spell is working as I'm feeling less annoyed by her.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 18, 2019

Deck:  

First Impressions:  Rest, Recuperation, taking care of ourselves first

Book:  Retreat, seclusion guarded by three swords, need for rest

Guidance:  Now is the time to heal through solitude and reflection.  Learn how to better balance your ideas with reality.  An honest evaluation of your part in the drama is key to your growth

Journaling

What I love about this image is that she is laying on her side and appears very much at peace and very restful.  You can also see her horse grazing in the background while she sleeps.  This card tells me that it is time for me to put myself first and to take time for solitude and reflection.  It is time for me to let go of the outside world and to let myself reflect on what is going on in my life and where I'm going.  What's interesting for me is that I have been doing a lot of that lately, especially reflecting on my part in the drama and what I could have done differently.  One of the key messages that I've been receiving lately is that I need to commit.  I need to commit to jobs, I need to commit to the World Spirit Tarot deck, and I need to commit to myself.

I was let go from a job nine years ago right after my husband decided to leave me because I had totally flaked out and was unable to function.  I felt lost and abandoned and ever since that time I've had a problem committing to jobs.  I've always found something wrong with a position around the two year point and started looking.  As I reflect on that situation, I realize that I was afraid.  My husband left me after 22 years and it had become really difficult for me to trust people, especially people who held my financial future in their hands.  I never let myself get comfortable in jobs and I also believe that's part of the reason that I'm a consultant as it means I am jumping from project to project all the time.  However, my guides have been very clear that I need to commit.  I need to quit analyzing and finding fault and commit to my job.  The funny thing is that the job I'm in right now was CREATED FOR ME.  No one else has ever held this job and it was created because the company believed that I had skills they needed.  When I take a step back, I realize they have committed to me and it's me who is having commitment issues.  I've decided to commit to my job and when I start to get antsy, I take a step back and recommit.  The interesting thing is that when I allow myself to do that, I am able to see all the good things at work and to see how valued I am.

My guides have also told me I need to commit to one tarot deck for a while instead of dating a whole bunch of different decks.  One of my key spiritual practices for the past four years has been pulling a card a day from a tarot deck.  I've done one deck for a month, then switched to a different deck.  It has really helped me to learn tarot and learn the nuances of the deck.  However, my guides have said that the time for dating is over and it's time for me to commit.  The question they asked me is how I could expect a person to commit to me if I wasn't able to commit?  It's a fair question and my first defensive response was to say that I am committed to my family and my dogs.  They're telling me that that is not enough so I will be working with the World Spirit Tarot for the foreseeable future.

Committing to my job and to the World Spirit Tarot are part of the bigger commitment to myself.  I need to take myself seriously and learn to open my heart and follow my dreams.  That's tough as I've spent most of my life being committed to other people and now I'm realizing that in committing to other people I let go of myself.  I need to find my way back to balance and the ability to commit to myself and other people instead of taking care of others at the expense of myself.  That's hard because I have a tendency to say yes to everyone, but I'm learning that it is okay to say no and that it is also okay to ask for help.  I'm also learning to put my own hopes and dreams first and that's hard sometimes.  I enrolled in a Masters program in January and there are times when I am tempted to not do my homework because someone else needs me, but when I feel tempted I remind myself of how much I'm paying for the class and that helps.

Committing to my health and taking time to rest and recuperate is also a big part of my new found commitment to myself.  I was raised, like I'm sure a lot of you were, with the mandate that sleeping in meant you were lazy, that relaxing instead of doing something was lazy, etc, etc.  However, I've learned that there is serious value in being "lazy" because it allows us to recharge our batteries.  One of the best decisions I ever made was to buy a personal laptop and stop using my work laptop for everything.  I even travel with my personal laptop and that means when I turn off the work laptop, I'm done with work.  No more watching TV and checking email.  When I'm done with work, the work laptop goes off and I'm done.  I'm also committing to going to bed at a reasonable hour and not working all night.

January 15, 2022  Revisit

I did end up leaving itelligence a year after I wrote this, but I had good reasons and one of them was about committing to myself.  It is really hard to have a life when I am traveling every week and I realized that committing to myself and committing to Cleveland meant being available and not living my life in two places.  Additionally, with the pandemic I was afraid that I would be let go.  There is a big part of me that misses consulting, but I needed to commit to Cleveland and my life.

However, I also realized that it is okay to have multiple decks and not to commit to one.  The commitment is to tarot as a whole.  I think I need to look at my various tarot decks as meals and not as a relationship. The relationship is with tarot and not the decks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 12, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Resting, waiting, taking care of myself, respite

Book:  Rest from battle

Guidance: Take the time your body needs

Journaling

I needed to pull this card as I've been pushing myself way too hard and I need the reminder to rest.  I sometimes think I can push and push and push myself, but it doesn't work.  I just end up exhausted and then the universe steps in with messages to slow down.  I also know that working myself too hard isn't productive either as what I produce ends up being garbage.

April 14, 2018

I heeded the four of swords guidance the last few days.  On Thursday, I visited the Redwoods after work and it was amazing to be there and feel the energy of these amazing trees.  Yesterday, I took off at 2 and drove the 17 mile drive.  It was incredibly beautiful.  The surf was so wild and it felt calming and refreshing all at the same time.  The sound of the see hitting the rocks is so meditative and restful.

December 29, 2018

Working yourself into the ground is one of the lessons that I learned from my Daddy.  He worked seven days a week to provide for us, but he still worked hard to make sure we had a relationship.  However, when I step back and look at things objectively, I see that there was a lot of ego involved in his choosing to work seven days a week.  Once Tony and  were older, he could have encouraged my mom to get a job, but instead he lived by the creed that it was the man's job to support his family and the woman's job to take care of the house.  If he would have let go of his pride, we all could have had more balance in our lives.

I've learned that it does not behoove anyone to work myself into the ground to support the kids.  I make enough and I am also working to start encouraging the to pay for bills around the house.  I don't always pay them back if they pick up groceries because I think they need to learn to be responsible.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
January 4, 2017

Deck:  Robin Wood Tarot

Impressions:   I love this card with the knight lying outside instead of in a cold room.  I can feel the knight laying there in the warmth of the sun just relaxing.  The four of swords is about relaxing and taking a break.

Book:  Peace and quiet, repair the psyche, need for release from stress, meditation

Guidance:  Take time for yourself, regroup, take care of yourself

Journaling

This card has a twofold meaning for me.  It is about resting and recuperating, but it is also about putting my swords down and not fighting everyone else's battles.  My kids don't need me to always be Mama Bear anymore.  Cam did a great job of handling a difficult situation and my jumping in would not have added anything to the situation.

It is the same at work, I need to step back and let people fight their own battles.  It is belittling to people when I fight their battles as it makes it seem as if they are not strong and capable.

January 4, 2018

Wow!  What a great reminder and ties in to a lot of realizations that I'm having lately.  I'm realizing that the kids are grownups and while I like to eat with them, they are capable of cooking their own food and they are capable of taking care of themselves.  I don't need to always put gas in the cars for them as they drive the cars, so they need to take ownership.  Sometimes it is hard for me to step back because some things are easy for me and a little more difficult for them, but if I don't step back, they will never grow up.

I'm also realizing that it is okay to put my sword down and choose not to fight someone's battles or help them even if they ask.  Yesterday morning, I got hit with these heavy waves of fear and melancholy.  I was afraid of losing my job, afraid of being homeless, etc.  It made no sense as overall I've been in a good place lately.   I worked hard to shed the nasties, but nothing was working.  I finally did a tarot spell to let go of burdens and as I did the spell, I realized that I was shedding other people's expectations of me and I realized the nasties invading my serenity were coming from my ex-husband.

We've been divorced for six years and separated for almost eight, but karmic links are hard to break and we'd been together for 22 years in this lifetime and for countless lifetimes before that.  When he is in intense emotional anguish, I feel it due to those karmic ties and I realized I was picking up on his fears.  He left a job he'd had for 10 years last year due to severe depression and anxiety, broke up with his girlfriend of two years, and is currently unemployed.  On top of this he has major medical issues and will be losing his health insurance at the end of June.  If I was in his shoes, I'd be pretty scared.

Last night before I fell asleep, I put up my shields and let it be known to the universe that I was not taking on his burdens.  His choice to walk away meant I no longer had any responsibility for his happiness, his security, or anything else.  Maintaining that boundary is hard for me as I try to be compassionate, but I can't take on his problems anymore.  He needs to be responsible for his own life.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 13, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:
  Rest, Recuperate

Book:  repair the psyche, tie of rest, need to recover one's strength, hungry for quiet, restoring to normalcy

Guidance:  Step back, rest

Journaling

Interesting that I pulled this card just as I decided that I was going to work from home next week.  I do need a break from Chicago and all that is going on.  The bottle spell (releasing) was huge for me.  I have to be honest and say that i was really sad and wondering if I did the right thing at first, but now I know it was the right thing to do.  I feel so much freer.  It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

May 24, 2018

I had forgotten all about that spell to release my feelings and let fate take its course.  Looking back, I realize that was the beginning of letting go and not letting myself be so obsessed by my feelings for one person.  It took courage to let go and it takes courage every time I make a decision to not go to Chicago and to not turn to him for support.  However, as my relationship with X has gotten looser and not so obsessive, my relationship with S. has become nonexistent.  I have the feeling that the only thing truly holding me to S. was my obsession to X as I was desperate for guidance and advice.

In some ways, it makes me really sad, but in other ways I know that it is for the best and that it is really time for me to let go.  My relationship with S was always kind of weird because he could be so controlling some times and so convinced that his way was the right way.  I thought we had worked through all of that and were in a good place, but now I'm not so sure.  Sometimes it feels as if he just wanted me to be a client and not be a friend.

The only thing I can really do is send him love and light and let go.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 23, 2016

Four of Swords
Hanson Roberts
Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  The knight is lying on a marble table with his sword at his side.  There are three swords hanging on the wall, but they do not pose a threat as they are not hanging directly over our knight.  Reversed this card is telling me that it is time to get  up and about.

Book:  Period of isolation ends, emerging successfully from a period of difficulties, extreme exhaustion, spiritual faith, having faith

Guidance:  Have faith, take time to recharge, you do not have to do it all at once

December 23, 2017

Another day when I didn't journal.  I'm not sure what was going on last September that I didn't make time to actually journal about the cards.  Maybe I was so caught up in all the drama about Gateway that I didn't want to journal about it because I was afraid of what the cards would say.

To me this card is telling me that it is time to get my butt out of bed and start moving forward with my life.  And I've done a lot to move forward in the past year.  I have a new job, I've been deliberately staying away from Chicago as I don't want to get sucked into old behavior patterns.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 21, 2016

Deck:  
Herbal Tarot

Card:  Four of swords, pulled reversed, 

First Impressions:  Time for rest is over

Book: Time to be calm and rest, time to seek guidance, time out message enforced, surrender to events

Guidance:  Strive to be grounded, look to your inner reality, comes to terms with change

Affirmation:  I am grounded

Journaling

There are different interpretations of this card.  I choose to believe it is telling me that it is time to get up and go back into the world.  However, after the day I had, I'm not so sure.  I've been hit with this bone numbing exhaustion lately.  I just get so tired that I can barely keep my head up.  Work has been ramping up big time and it's easy to focus on work to the exclusion of everything else.

April 22, 2016 Revisit

Let go!  Trust!

January 15, 2022 Revisit

What I have learned since this original pull is that I have severe allergies and the house makes me tired.  The more time I spend at home, the more tired I get.  The air filters don't help and with three of us and the two dogs, it gets messy and I get sick.  My diabetes is also out of control, but I do think that the meds are helping.

Popular Posts