Thursday, July 14, 2022

Four of Swords

 July 14, 2022

Deck:  The Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card is confusing as I have no clue what a Russian soldier has to do with relaxing.

Book:  Seclusion, minimalism, meditation, self-care, rest, contemplation

Guidance:   Don't fear what is next


This card is about taking a pause, getting your head on straight, then choosing a course of action and proceeding.  This is a really important reminder to me today that I need to take a pause.  I need to retreat from the fray so I can determine what's next and make a good decision.  I've been so angry and frustrated this week about the Evil M and the Incompetent B. that I haven't been thinking rashly.  I've been letting my emotions drive me and that is never a good place to make a final decision.  However, I have an interview set up for the next week and all will be good.

This was also a good week since I was at the plant, it was easier to avoid the Evil M and her taking over and acting like the boss.  I had a good excuse to not be her minion.  However, the good thing is that I know in two years I will have forgotten who she is or she will be one of those memories of "Remember what an ass that person is?"  

Where I'm At:  I'm in Trenton today and I'm actually enjoying  my time here, except for the heat.  I went to Chillicothe for dinner and the town is kind of cool.   There are murals painted around town and there are some restaurants in old buildings.  However, I had one of the absolute worst meals ever.  I ordered ribs and I thought they'd be good because KC BBQ is a thing.  However, the ribs were undercooked and were not falling off the bone and the lobster was overcooked.  I would have been super pissed if I had been paying for it.

Weather:  It is super F*ing hot.  It was about 95 today with a real feel close to 100. 

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 99

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 / 8:44


February 20, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Cocooning, safety, feeling secure, I love that the swords are needles in this image

Book:  Dee[ reset, burnout, taking a vacation from reality, healing, recuperation, self love, introspection

Guidance:   Take time for deep rest and healing


I love this message in this card because it is about that deep, restorative healing that we all need sometimes in order to take care of ourselves.  This is also a reminder that self-care is about doing the hard work of working through trauma and taking care of ourselves.  I have been so much better about taking care of myself lately.  It used to be that I punished my body and my soul because I thought I wasn't good enough, but I've realized that I am good enough and I have been taking care of myself. 

It is really hard some days because it feels like there is so much to do, but I've stopped letting my mother be in my head telling me that I don't matter and all that matters is a clean house.  I don't like having a messy house, but I am learning to accept that it is okay if there are blankets lying around and things aren't all put away.  If the choice is between taking care of myself and cleaning house, I'm going to always choose taking care of myself.  However, I also know that there are times when cleaning house is what I need to do to take care of myself.

I did trauma work last night and I slept so deeply.  I just fell into the deepest sleep and it felt very restorative.  

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today, sitting on the couch with Clark.  He's got his sweet little snoot stuck in my legs and I'm feeling very loved.

Mood:  I'm in a good mood.  I slept deeply last night and woke up 6.  I'm still feeling a little sleepy, but overall I'm good.

Weather:   It is bitter cold outside (20, but feels like 6) and I'm not feeling like leaving the house, but I have errands I gotta run.  I'm gonna leave in a few minutes so I can get home sooner.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 85%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:14 am/ 6:06 pm


August 23, 2019

Deck:  tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  At a crossroads, disregarding distractions

Book:  Being protected from the piercing thoughts

Guidance:  Take a rest from your challenges


What I love about this version of the four of swords is it does not show the woman completely withdrawn, instead she is shown as pierced through by her thoughts, but still able to maintain and be at peace.  That is a difficult skill and one that I am not always good at as I let myself get distracted by my thoughts and go down rabbit holes.  What I'm finding though is that the more I am able to center and to withdraw within myself, the more I am able to find peace, and the more I am able to find peace, the more I am able to peacefully influence others.

Interestingly as I look at this card, it reminds me of how I am with one of my more challenging clients, it is as if I withdraw within myself and I am able to interact from a place that means it is not personal.  I can almost physically feel myself contracting when I deal with this person and I am able to operate from a place where I am not swayed by anything that she says.  It is so weird because I feel an almost physical phenomenon when I pull my energy in.  It doesn't really feel good or bad, but I definitely feel contacted and more guarded.  In some ways this is taking a rest from my challenges because I am not letting them influence me or sway me.


I'm grateful for the beautiful drive to Kent
I'm grateful for the good meeting with my SF client
I'm grateful for lunch with the team
I'm grateful for the good conversation with Cam
I'm grateful for letting myself just be today

January 15, 2022 Revisit

It's interesting as I read this about pulling my energy in and withdrawing to deal with difficult people.  I think that is a skill that I need to revisit in dealing with M.  She drives me completely nuts and I need to stop letting her bother me.  I think I need to meditate before any interactions with her and physically pull my energy in.  I need to let Nephthys put her wings around me and shield me from that bitch's negative energy.  I know she is deliberately trying to undercut me, but I just need to let it go.  The freezer spell is working as I'm feeling less annoyed by her.

May 18, 2019


First Impressions:  Rest, Recuperation, taking care of ourselves first

Book:  Retreat, seclusion guarded by three swords, need for rest

Guidance:  Now is the time to heal through solitude and reflection.  Learn how to better balance your ideas with reality.  An honest evaluation of your part in the drama is key to your growth


What I love about this image is that she is laying on her side and appears very much at peace and very restful.  You can also see her horse grazing in the background while she sleeps.  This card tells me that it is time for me to put myself first and to take time for solitude and reflection.  It is time for me to let go of the outside world and to let myself reflect on what is going on in my life and where I'm going.  What's interesting for me is that I have been doing a lot of that lately, especially reflecting on my part in the drama and what I could have done differently.  One of the key messages that I've been receiving lately is that I need to commit.  I need to commit to jobs, I need to commit to the World Spirit Tarot deck, and I need to commit to myself.

I was let go from a job nine years ago right after my husband decided to leave me because I had totally flaked out and was unable to function.  I felt lost and abandoned and ever since that time I've had a problem committing to jobs.  I've always found something wrong with a position around the two year point and started looking.  As I reflect on that situation, I realize that I was afraid.  My husband left me after 22 years and it had become really difficult for me to trust people, especially people who held my financial future in their hands.  I never let myself get comfortable in jobs and I also believe that's part of the reason that I'm a consultant as it means I am jumping from project to project all the time.  However, my guides have been very clear that I need to commit.  I need to quit analyzing and finding fault and commit to my job.  The funny thing is that the job I'm in right now was CREATED FOR ME.  No one else has ever held this job and it was created because the company believed that I had skills they needed.  When I take a step back, I realize they have committed to me and it's me who is having commitment issues.  I've decided to commit to my job and when I start to get antsy, I take a step back and recommit.  The interesting thing is that when I allow myself to do that, I am able to see all the good things at work and to see how valued I am.

My guides have also told me I need to commit to one tarot deck for a while instead of dating a whole bunch of different decks.  One of my key spiritual practices for the past four years has been pulling a card a day from a tarot deck.  I've done one deck for a month, then switched to a different deck.  It has really helped me to learn tarot and learn the nuances of the deck.  However, my guides have said that the time for dating is over and it's time for me to commit.  The question they asked me is how I could expect a person to commit to me if I wasn't able to commit?  It's a fair question and my first defensive response was to say that I am committed to my family and my dogs.  They're telling me that that is not enough so I will be working with the World Spirit Tarot for the foreseeable future.

Committing to my job and to the World Spirit Tarot are part of the bigger commitment to myself.  I need to take myself seriously and learn to open my heart and follow my dreams.  That's tough as I've spent most of my life being committed to other people and now I'm realizing that in committing to other people I let go of myself.  I need to find my way back to balance and the ability to commit to myself and other people instead of taking care of others at the expense of myself.  That's hard because I have a tendency to say yes to everyone, but I'm learning that it is okay to say no and that it is also okay to ask for help.  I'm also learning to put my own hopes and dreams first and that's hard sometimes.  I enrolled in a Masters program in January and there are times when I am tempted to not do my homework because someone else needs me, but when I feel tempted I remind myself of how much I'm paying for the class and that helps.

Committing to my health and taking time to rest and recuperate is also a big part of my new found commitment to myself.  I was raised, like I'm sure a lot of you were, with the mandate that sleeping in meant you were lazy, that relaxing instead of doing something was lazy, etc, etc.  However, I've learned that there is serious value in being "lazy" because it allows us to recharge our batteries.  One of the best decisions I ever made was to buy a personal laptop and stop using my work laptop for everything.  I even travel with my personal laptop and that means when I turn off the work laptop, I'm done with work.  No more watching TV and checking email.  When I'm done with work, the work laptop goes off and I'm done.  I'm also committing to going to bed at a reasonable hour and not working all night.

January 15, 2022  Revisit

I did end up leaving itelligence a year after I wrote this, but I had good reasons and one of them was about committing to myself.  It is really hard to have a life when I am traveling every week and I realized that committing to myself and committing to Cleveland meant being available and not living my life in two places.  Additionally, with the pandemic I was afraid that I would be let go.  There is a big part of me that misses consulting, but I needed to commit to Cleveland and my life.

However, I also realized that it is okay to have multiple decks and not to commit to one.  The commitment is to tarot as a whole.  I think I need to look at my various tarot decks as meals and not as a relationship. The relationship is with tarot and not the decks.

April 12, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Resting, waiting, taking care of myself, respite

Book:  Rest from battle

Guidance: Take the time your body needs


I needed to pull this card as I've been pushing myself way too hard and I need the reminder to rest.  I sometimes think I can push and push and push myself, but it doesn't work.  I just end up exhausted and then the universe steps in with messages to slow down.  I also know that working myself too hard isn't productive either as what I produce ends up being garbage.

April 14, 2018

I heeded the four of swords guidance the last few days.  On Thursday, I visited the Redwoods after work and it was amazing to be there and feel the energy of these amazing trees.  Yesterday, I took off at 2 and drove the 17 mile drive.  It was incredibly beautiful.  The surf was so wild and it felt calming and refreshing all at the same time.  The sound of the see hitting the rocks is so meditative and restful.

December 29, 2018

Working yourself into the ground is one of the lessons that I learned from my Daddy.  He worked seven days a week to provide for us, but he still worked hard to make sure we had a relationship.  However, when I step back and look at things objectively, I see that there was a lot of ego involved in his choosing to work seven days a week.  Once Tony and  were older, he could have encouraged my mom to get a job, but instead he lived by the creed that it was the man's job to support his family and the woman's job to take care of the house.  If he would have let go of his pride, we all could have had more balance in our lives.

I've learned that it does not behoove anyone to work myself into the ground to support the kids.  I make enough and I am also working to start encouraging the to pay for bills around the house.  I don't always pay them back if they pick up groceries because I think they need to learn to be responsible.

January 4, 2017

Deck:  Robin Wood Tarot

Impressions:   I love this card with the knight lying outside instead of in a cold room.  I can feel the knight laying there in the warmth of the sun just relaxing.  The four of swords is about relaxing and taking a break.

Book:  Peace and quiet, repair the psyche, need for release from stress, meditation

Guidance:  Take time for yourself, regroup, take care of yourself


This card has a twofold meaning for me.  It is about resting and recuperating, but it is also about putting my swords down and not fighting everyone else's battles.  My kids don't need me to always be Mama Bear anymore.  Cam did a great job of handling a difficult situation and my jumping in would not have added anything to the situation.

It is the same at work, I need to step back and let people fight their own battles.  It is belittling to people when I fight their battles as it makes it seem as if they are not strong and capable.

January 4, 2018

Wow!  What a great reminder and ties in to a lot of realizations that I'm having lately.  I'm realizing that the kids are grownups and while I like to eat with them, they are capable of cooking their own food and they are capable of taking care of themselves.  I don't need to always put gas in the cars for them as they drive the cars, so they need to take ownership.  Sometimes it is hard for me to step back because some things are easy for me and a little more difficult for them, but if I don't step back, they will never grow up.

I'm also realizing that it is okay to put my sword down and choose not to fight someone's battles or help them even if they ask.  Yesterday morning, I got hit with these heavy waves of fear and melancholy.  I was afraid of losing my job, afraid of being homeless, etc.  It made no sense as overall I've been in a good place lately.   I worked hard to shed the nasties, but nothing was working.  I finally did a tarot spell to let go of burdens and as I did the spell, I realized that I was shedding other people's expectations of me and I realized the nasties invading my serenity were coming from my ex-husband.

We've been divorced for six years and separated for almost eight, but karmic links are hard to break and we'd been together for 22 years in this lifetime and for countless lifetimes before that.  When he is in intense emotional anguish, I feel it due to those karmic ties and I realized I was picking up on his fears.  He left a job he'd had for 10 years last year due to severe depression and anxiety, broke up with his girlfriend of two years, and is currently unemployed.  On top of this he has major medical issues and will be losing his health insurance at the end of June.  If I was in his shoes, I'd be pretty scared.

Last night before I fell asleep, I put up my shields and let it be known to the universe that I was not taking on his burdens.  His choice to walk away meant I no longer had any responsibility for his happiness, his security, or anything else.  Maintaining that boundary is hard for me as I try to be compassionate, but I can't take on his problems anymore.  He needs to be responsible for his own life.
October 13, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:
  Rest, Recuperate

Book:  repair the psyche, tie of rest, need to recover one's strength, hungry for quiet, restoring to normalcy

Guidance:  Step back, rest


Interesting that I pulled this card just as I decided that I was going to work from home next week.  I do need a break from Chicago and all that is going on.  The bottle spell (releasing) was huge for me.  I have to be honest and say that i was really sad and wondering if I did the right thing at first, but now I know it was the right thing to do.  I feel so much freer.  It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

May 24, 2018

I had forgotten all about that spell to release my feelings and let fate take its course.  Looking back, I realize that was the beginning of letting go and not letting myself be so obsessed by my feelings for one person.  It took courage to let go and it takes courage every time I make a decision to not go to Chicago and to not turn to him for support.  However, as my relationship with X has gotten looser and not so obsessive, my relationship with S. has become nonexistent.  I have the feeling that the only thing truly holding me to S. was my obsession to X as I was desperate for guidance and advice.

In some ways, it makes me really sad, but in other ways I know that it is for the best and that it is really time for me to let go.  My relationship with S was always kind of weird because he could be so controlling some times and so convinced that his way was the right way.  I thought we had worked through all of that and were in a good place, but now I'm not so sure.  Sometimes it feels as if he just wanted me to be a client and not be a friend.

The only thing I can really do is send him love and light and let go.
September 23, 2016

Four of Swords
Hanson Roberts
Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  The knight is lying on a marble table with his sword at his side.  There are three swords hanging on the wall, but they do not pose a threat as they are not hanging directly over our knight.  Reversed this card is telling me that it is time to get  up and about.

Book:  Period of isolation ends, emerging successfully from a period of difficulties, extreme exhaustion, spiritual faith, having faith

Guidance:  Have faith, take time to recharge, you do not have to do it all at once

December 23, 2017

Another day when I didn't journal.  I'm not sure what was going on last September that I didn't make time to actually journal about the cards.  Maybe I was so caught up in all the drama about Gateway that I didn't want to journal about it because I was afraid of what the cards would say.

To me this card is telling me that it is time to get my butt out of bed and start moving forward with my life.  And I've done a lot to move forward in the past year.  I have a new job, I've been deliberately staying away from Chicago as I don't want to get sucked into old behavior patterns.
April 21, 2016

Herbal Tarot

Card:  Four of swords, pulled reversed, 

First Impressions:  Time for rest is over

Book: Time to be calm and rest, time to seek guidance, time out message enforced, surrender to events

Guidance:  Strive to be grounded, look to your inner reality, comes to terms with change

Affirmation:  I am grounded


There are different interpretations of this card.  I choose to believe it is telling me that it is time to get up and go back into the world.  However, after the day I had, I'm not so sure.  I've been hit with this bone numbing exhaustion lately.  I just get so tired that I can barely keep my head up.  Work has been ramping up big time and it's easy to focus on work to the exclusion of everything else.

April 22, 2016 Revisit

Let go!  Trust!

January 15, 2022 Revisit

What I have learned since this original pull is that I have severe allergies and the house makes me tired.  The more time I spend at home, the more tired I get.  The air filters don't help and with three of us and the two dogs, it gets messy and I get sick.  My diabetes is also out of control, but I do think that the meds are helping.

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