Friday, July 8, 2022

The Tower

 July 8, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Revolution

First Impressions:  I love this card.  She is so bold and forward thinking and I love how the building and the flag are overlaid.  This card truly speaks to burning shit down to make change.

Book:  See Below

Guidance:   See Below


Living in a country that was born of revolution makes our current times seem weird.  On the one hand, we believe in and celebrate our founders who forged this country in blood and bullets, but on the other we are taught to accept the rule of law and that our country has put in process to make sure revolution isn't necessary.  I abhor what the Jan 6 rioters did because they were acting on lies.  However, there is a part of me that can understand being so angry that you do not see another course of action.  The illegitimate SCOTUS is tearing down everything this country was built on and taking away people's rights and there is a part of me that believes they need to be paraded in the streets and tarred and feathered for their actions.  And after the assholes took away a woman's right to a private medical decision, they are demanding their privacy.  How hypocritical!

There is a part of me that just wants to go away and live somewhere where I don't have to interact with anyone and can pretend all this bullshit isn't happening.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home with the doggos.  I should have had summer Fridays, but I had a meeting with Modesto at 4 pm.  I about broke down in the grocery store today as I'm so upset about all the crap going on in the world.

Weather:  It isn't horrible out today.  Cam said it was super humid, but it didn't feel that bad out when I went out a bit ago

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 65%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:58/9:03


 June 14, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Revolution

First Impressions:  Fighting with everything you have, women's march, doing what you can for what you want

Book:  Disruption, evolution, start anew, dismantle, transformation

Guidance:   Dismantle systems that are not working


Dismantling systems that aren't working is always good advice, but the problem is that the people who are in power are fighting back against dismantling those systems.  There is so much systematic racism in this country and systematic misogyny, I don't even know how to begin to dismantle it.  The problem is that for individual women or people of color, it is advantageous to go along with the discrimination and "be one of the boys" as that will improve an individual's position.  However, the truth of the matter is that a person who is different can never be one of the boys.  They will tolerate you and they will use you, but they will never truly consider you an equal.   That is the sad truth of the matter.  

I know that women are always treated differently because we are "too emotional" or "too something."  I also know that women have to prove they can do a job before they get it and work for less or do the job with a lesser title, but men are given opportunities because they have potential.  I wish I knew how to change the world and to make things better for everyone else, but I don't.  I will be honest and say that there is a big part of me that just wants to walk away and take care of me and  mine.  I think I'm just too tired for revolution.

Where I'm at:  I'm at home today and the weather isn't bad so I'm spending time hanging out outside with the doggos.  It was a full strawberry moon today, but it was overcast so we couldn't see it

Weather:  It was actually nice today.  The weather really awesome for hanging out side with the dogs

Moon Phase:  Full Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:02


April 19, 2022
Written retrospectively on April 23

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  I really like this card because it shows not only the tower falling, but also fire and a flood.  To me this card represents "when it rains, it pours" and the fact that it often seems like all the bad stuff happens at once.

Book: Upheaval, adversity, ego death, chaos, fall from grace 

Guidance:  the screw turns regardless, jump or fall


This is an interesting card and meaning.  On first glance, I am reminded that some times semi-bad things happen so that worse things do not.  I've always known that when weird travel snafus happen I need to pay attention to the because I could be being forced to take a different path so that worse things (like an accident) don't happen.  I have no clue why my travel was so screwed up, but I have learned to never push too hard when things go wrong.

However, as I read this, I am struck by the phrase ego death.  I have been working with my ego a lot lately and working to let go of how my ego keeps me trapped.  I'm not sure what the solution is and there is a part of me that feels like ego is not a bad thing as it helps me to realize that i do deserve things and I do deserve to be loved.

Where: I'm in Trenton, MO.  Today was an interesting day as I was planning to fly out of Cleveland, but then my flight was delayed and there wasn't enough time to get from gate to gate in Detroit so I just drove to Detroit and left from there.

Weather:  My drive to Detroit was horrendous as I hit rain and hail.  However, once I got to MO, it was pretty clear.

Moon Phase:  Waning, Gibbous 90%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:28 am / 7:58 pm


March 15, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Homeless, destruction, not understanding what is happening

Book:  Change thrust upon you, rug pulled out from under you, beliefs challenged, shift in the matrix, chaos of change

Guidance:   Trust that you will be held


Trust in the universe and in the divine is difficult right now as I watch the images playing out on the screen of people who were going about their everyday lives and got bombed.  There are days when I think nothing is going to work out and that life is a huge stinking pile of shit.  There are days it feels so meaningless and as if nothing that I do will make a difference.  However, then I see a kindness play out and I am reminded that there is good in this world.  And that good keeps me getting up in the morning and remembering that there are people who do good work and there are people who care.

Where I'm At: I'm at home and just about ready to go to bed.  My head is throbbing as it has been for about the last week.  I don't know what's going on, but I am really struggling lately.  I manage to make it through work, then my head just pounds.

Weather:  It was about 50 today and while it was a little overcast, it was not a bad day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 85%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:40 am / 7: 32 pm

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- January 2, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Falling, Rapunzal, Brambles

Book:  Massive change, upheaval, 

Guidance:  Beliefs are shattered and understandings are ruptured


NO NO NO.  I do not need any more upheaval in my life.  The last two years have been hell and I don't need any more change.  The past two years have truly been hell and I don't want the foundation knocked out from under me again.  That is my gut reaction to pulling this card, however I also know that good things can come out of having your beliefs shattered as it can lead to a whole new life.

One of the beliefs that I'm pondering right now is whether or not a "real job" is required to survive in the world.  I was brought up to believe that in order to survive you needed to anchor your fortune to that of a company, but I'm starting to wonder if that is the truth or just a lie that the patriarchy tells us to control us.

Something else I am contemplating as I read this card is whether or not the tower card is really about the sudden and clear clarity that comes as a flash of light.  The clarity that comes when there is nothing hidden and you can see for miles.  


September 11, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Falling, grief, collapse

Book:  Something new can be built, change will bring release from habitual patterns that no longer serve us

Guidance:  Old structures fall down bringing release from old patterns


I chose the tower today because it is the day that the towers fell and 18 years after that event, I'm realizing that the falling of the towers was not just a terrorist attack on the United States, I'm also realizing that in some ways the falling of the towers represented the fall of the patriarchy, the fall of our hubris, the release of our arrogance.  America has always been a place that prides itself on its openness and acceptance and while the towers falling brought out some of the best of humanity, it also brought out some of the worst.  We had Sikhs and Muslims attacked because people could not separate the fact from the fantasy and could not accept that people other than Christians could be peace loving.

Trump represents the worst of us and I believe he is deepening the tower times as his policies are harming so many people.  However, I believe that ultimately the message of the tower will be reinforced and there will be something else we are able to build on the ashes of what we have now.  There is so much ugliness and pain, but I think that exposing the layers of ugliness will help us clean out the old and the nasty and create a new world.

Never Forget!


I'm grateful people still remember 09/11

I'm grateful for the beautiful day

I'm grateful for the pizza

I'm grateful for getting to go home a day early

I'm grateful for the beautiful Chicago skyline

I'm grateful for driving down LSD in a little red convertible

I'm grateful for a hug from Scott


May 23, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Change forced up on us, dramatic change

Book:  Having our self delusion torn away, release from a stagnant condition,

Guidance:  If you haven't learned the hard way, chances are that something major needs to shift, be prepared for guidance from unexpected sources


Sometimes when we do not have the courage to take a leap of faith out of a bad situation as the Fool asks us to do, the world crumbles around us and we are left in a pile of rubble that has us questioning the meaning of our life.  For me this happened when my now ex-husband announced four months after a life altering heart attack that he was moving out.  I was devastated because I had spent 22 years twisting myself into knots to be the person he wanted me to be.  I felt as if my security was ripped of its foundations and I was left floundering.  I was no longer a wife and it felt as if all of my worth had been taken from me.

Fast forward nine years and I'm truly happier than I've every been in my life as I own my own beautiful home, my two kids live with me, I have an interesting and challenging dog, I have two pit bulls playing and bringing me joy, and I'm comfortable in my own skin.  I'm not trying to fit myself into someone else's idea of who I should be.  As I look back on my marriage, I realize that it was an angry and hateful place to be and not a place of love and support.  My ex-husband's undiagnosed mental health issues meant that he was incapable of being loving and supporting.  I didn't realize exactly how on edge and stressed I was for most of my marriage and the first few years after my divorce, it felt uncomfortable to be peaceful and not have that stress in my world.  However, I've become acclimated and I've learned that peace is a wonderful place to be.

As I reflected on this card yesterday, the twin towers came up over and over and over.  I'd catch snippets on the tv about the twin towers, two of my assignments for class talked about the twin towers, and those images played over and over on the tv and in my head.  It made me think about whether there was a greater cosmic meaning to the towers than a single act of hate.  I've realized they were about shaking us out of our complacency and forcing us to confront the ugliness and hate in our world. 

April 4, 2018

Deck:  RWS Tarot

First Impressions:  Dramatic change, the world tumbling down

Book:  All around is destruction, ignorance and stupidity produce man's greatest ills, change, conflict

Guidance:  If it has to be destroyed, be rid of it, don't be selfish, listen to wisdom and reason, can mean a change


I always have mixed feelings about the tower card.  It means change of the sudden and dramatic type.  I'm not ready to have my life shaken up, but then I guess no one is ever ready for that kind of shakeup.  I do know that I'm not happy right now and I'm feeling lonely and at loose ends.  I'm not positive how to resolve that, but maybe being in California for two weeks will be good for me.  I'm sad about giving up my poetry reading, but I also didn't want to do the trip home with the horrendous commute.  I guess I just need to be open to what is and open my heart.

December 29, 2018 Update

There are so many amazing things about pulling tarot cards on a consistent basis and about going back and actually reading through and reflecting on what I've written.  For me, it is amazing to see that my highs and lows are evening out.  As I do my tarot on a regular basis, I am starting to realize that there are always highs and lows and that the day starting out poorly does not mean that it will end poorly.  I have way more control about how the day ends than I think I do.  I have been working really hard to step back and put my life into perspective instead of just letting myself freak out over everything.  Taking the time to do that really and truly helps.

November 13, 2016

Note:  Card was pulled reversed

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Maintaining old ways, more subtle loss

Book:  Tower as worldview, oppression and cataclysm, relying on false impressions, misrepresentation by others, the seeker will succeed, too much openness, can be damage

Guidance:  Let the truth be illuminated, seeing the delusions in the ruins


I don't how to read this card.  The cynical part of me reads it as shattering of illusions and of course i take that to mean letting go of X.  It's really easy for me to get down on myself and ask why anyone would want to be with me anyway.  It's really easy to feel hopeless today.  I'm in a flipping hotel room alone.  I've also started to admit to myself that i really don't want friends, I want love.

July 6, 2019 Review

Hindsight is always 20/20 and in hindsight I know that I never wanted friends and always wanted love.  That's because I didn't believe that I was strong enough, smart enough, or anything enough to be by myself.  I needed someone to make me whole, but I've learned that I don't need anyone to make me whole.  I am a complete person all by myself.  I'm at the point now where I want someone to date and to go out and hangout with.  I'm not really sure I want anything more serious than that because I kind of like being my own person.  I like being able to paint my bathroom pink, then change my mind and decide I want it gray.  I like being able to decide I'm going to North Carolina for a convention without having to ask anyone.  I do have to coordinate around the dogs, but I don't have to deal with someone being emo because I'm doing something for myself.

The delusion was that I needed him or that I wasn't whole and complete onto myself.  I am whole and complete unto myself and while I like having other people in my life and there are times I need other people to help me, but don't need to be dependent on anyone.  I think I'm learning the difference between interdependence and dependence and co-dependence.  Interdependence means I need and rely on other people for things and I take their needs into account, but I don't always make their needs secondary to mine.  I weight their needs and mine and make a conscious decision and that is significantly different thank making someone else more important than me.

May 15, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Lightening, pulled reversed

First impressions:  There are changes coming in my life, but they are not of central and painful changes.  

Book:  Fears and avoidance may be postponing a needed change or upheaval.  Attempting to control outcomes is not productive.  Use this as an opportunity to deepen my courage.


I need to let go of x.  I need to accept that we are not meant to be together right now and move on.  I've moved on in so many ways but I haven't given up hope.  I still hope we will end up together and I need to let go of these expectations.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

Okay, I'm pretty tired of reading over and over and over that I need to let go of X.  The truth of the matter is that I am finally pretty much over him.  I think the thing that is striking for me is that I'm tired of always being the one to reach out.  I get that I moved and that I come back to Chicago, but he doesn't come to Cleveland, but he never texts unless I text first and I'm really tired of it.  I want friends and maybe a potential partner that reaches out to me.  I need a relationship of equals and if one person is always doing the reaching out, that's not a relationship of equals.  Especially because I got so tired of hearing him bitch about other people no longer reaching out to him, but he never reached out to them.  

Relationships are two way streets and if someone isn't reaching out and making an effort to be your friend, then it might be time to mvoe on.  I know there are times when it makes sense to reach out to people and to be there for them, but in the normal course of relationships they should be 50/50 and this one isn't.  I'm realizing that I deserve better than this and that I matter.  If someone wants to be my friend, they need to meet me half way.

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