July 6, 2022
First Impressions: This is a beautiful card and I love the birch trees behind her, the beautiful wolf, and the moon. However, her face is weird and puckered and I'm not sure what to make of that
Book: Intuition, shadow, integration, subconscious, duality, reflection
Guidance: Work through the muck to decipher your own language with the universe
Journaling:
I love the thought of working through the muck and I've been doing a lot of that lately as I have to figure out why the Evil M bothers me so much. What I'm realizing is that she is a good manager (micro manager), but she is not a good leader. She doesn't inspire people and she doesn't help people be their best selves. She makes people feel like an idiot because of her micromanaging. What she doesn't realize is that that is not the way to manage high performers. That's the way to manage people who are early in their career. At the end of the day, she isn't really a threat to me because high performers will quit if they have to work for her.
The other piece of working through the muck is figuring out what I want to do. I'm actually really enjoying mentoring people and helping them get better. It's hard, but it is so rewarding to see people figure things out and take something and run with it. It takes me back to when I was in German and I saw Kai walking through SAP with his team and he did it perfectly. That was one of the most awesome moments of my life. I love that feeling and I want it again and again and again. I'm going to apply for the job at Tri-C and we'll see where life goes from there.
Where I'm At: I had to into the office today and there were actually a whole lot of people there and I had to park in the back. Apparently people are taking this into the office crap seriously. I have 10 months until I am vested and get my retirement contribution so I'm going to stick it out. In the meantime, I'm going to do some serious job magick
Weather: It was okay out today. It was a little warm, but not horrible.
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent 44%
Sunrise / Sunset: 5:57/ 9:04
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February 24, 2022
First Impressions: Emotional depths, mermaid, opposites, watery emotions
Book: Trusting your intuition, facing your fears, perception, dreams, visions, spiritual experience
Guidance: Quit struggling and trust your intuition
Journaling:
The message to quit struggling and to trust my intuition is spot on today. I think I spend so much time wallowing in my misery and thinking about how horrible everything is, that I waste my energy. If I just did the damn work and didn't think about how much I hated my job, life would be so much better. My work is not inherently horrible. I just get bored. My work is also about lessons of the ego for me. I get so caught up in what people think of me that it is ridiculous. There are days I feel like if people aren't telling me that I'm wonderful then I will don't exist. That's scary for me because that is where I was when I was with John. I thought I had grown past that, but it feels like I am right back there. I need to let go of all of that.
Where I'm At: I'm at home sitting on the couch with my feet up on my new ottoman. Emotionally, I'm in a good space, but physically I am exhausted and my stomach is hurting a lot. I'm hoping it is just a stomach bug. Clark is sitting on the other ottoman and Wendy is upstairs with her sister.
Weather: It's 28 degrees, but it is getting ready to rain / snow and the roads are supposed to be nasty tomorrow.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 44%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:08 am/ 6:11 pm
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Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
Impressions: Seeing what is below the surface, reaching for the mystery
Book: Portal into initiation, searching for answers
Guidance: Dive deep into our emotions to find our way through the dark night of the soul
Journaling
Driving from Cleveland to Chicago was an interesting trip this time as I am starting to uncover the depths of my father's complicity into my lack of self confidence and the wounds of my soul. I've always blamed my mother for acting as if my life was supposed to be all about everyone else and for not supporting me, but as I come closer and closer to getting the director title, I am starting to realize that my father was not innocent in my wounding. As I look back at my childhood, I realize that I can no longer see my mother as the monster and my father as the saint. I also realize that I have to take my feelings out of the equation and see my father as the flawed human being that he was instead of seeing him as my adored father. I have to see him as the instrument of the patriarchy that he was.
My father, who I know loved and adored me, injured me deeply. When I look beyond the words he said to me, I see the pattern of misogyny that "put women in their place" which in his mind was the home. My father was always loving and kind, but when I look at things through adult eyes instead of a child's eyes, I see that my mother working menial jobs outside of the home instead of having a true career were the result of my father's beliefs that men should support their families while women took care of them. I know she had wanted to be a nurse, but that dream died because of his mandate. At the time, I believed she gave up her dreams willingly for our family, but now I'm not so sure.
I'm also beginning to remember bits and pieces of conversations that happened after I'd gone to bed, conversations about radical feminists and how wrong they were. I remember the snippets about them wanting to be men and abandoning their role. Of course, looking back at overheard conversations from 50 years ago, it's possible I confused the word's my father said with the word's I heard on TV. However, what I can't confuse is the fact that he did not believe in women's equality. He did not believe that women should hold positions of power or be in positions to influence others. He would not even attend a church with a woman pastor because he believed there was a biblical prohibition against a woman leading men.
I'm angry as I write this and think about the years that I was robbed of reaching my full potential because I bought into my father's sanctimonious misogynistic bullshit. However, I also realize that now that I am aware of the situation it is my responsibility to rectify it. It is my responsibility to do the ritual to let go of the past and to do the work to move forward.
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Deck: World Spirit Tarot
First Impressions: Intuition, dark of the night, constrictive
Book: Speaking in signs and symbols,
Guidance: Prepare to leave the familiar, accept the power of your imagination
Journaling
This was one of the strangest days I've had in a long time. I was running late
for work and it was pouring down rain so I was frustrated, but then when I got to the car I saw a little shell creature on the ground. I thought it was dead, but then it started moving around. I tried to rescue it so that it was out of the path of the cars, but I was a little afraid to pick it up. I finally got it to a little bit safer place and left to go to work, but the little critter kept nagging at me as I know enough to know that when weird creature shows up, there is some mystical meaning.
The words that kept coming up in my search for the meaning of the shell creature were coming out of your shell and shedding old beliefs and old ways of doing things. It was also about intuition and going within. As I meditated on that, I realized that I had fell back into some old and bad behaviors in dealing with other people. I was doing a lot of othering and complaining about people. I was labeling them as bad instead of their behavior as bad. That's a behavior I definitely need to grow out of. The other realization I had was that I needed to climb out of my shell and be open and vulnerable. I've been doing a lot of work to move in this direction, but there is still more work to be done.
After much drama, my flight ended up getting cancelled and I decided to drive. Scott ended up texting me and when I shared the picture of my little shell buddy, he immediately realized it was the crustacean from the moon card and reminded me that the moon was about trusting my intuition and being open. All of this gave me a lot to ponder on my drive home and as it got dark and a beautiful orange almost full moon came up, I realized that they were tapping me on my shoulder and reminding me that there is magic and mystery in this world.
07/20/2019 Update
Interestingly enough as I talked to my daughter about this weird turn of events and the magical and oddly unexpected shell creature, she reminded me that the lobster/crayfish was about outgrowing your shell and about it being time to move on. There is so much to digest here and I'm not 100 percent sure what it all means, but I will continue to reflect and ask for guidance.
Book: Moon is the light in the darkness, Fearing what we do not understand, Primal need guides us on our journey
Guidance: Listen to your dreams, allow the moon to caress you
Journaling
The moon can be about peace or lunacy. The moon can also be a time of great healing. I feel as if my soul is healing today as I let go of all the things that are holding me back. I really need to work sometimes to stay in touch with myself and to let go of everything that brings me down. One of the things I really need to let go of is perceptions. I have perceptions about what other people think and how other people perceive me. That's where the illusions come in. I assume people think poorly of me or are judging me when that is rarely the case. People usually have either a positive or neutral impression of me, but my own self loathing gets in the way and I project my feelings about myself.
I need to stop doing that. I also need to just stop worrying about what other people think of me. At the end of the day, I need to just STOP. I need to let go of that because I cannot control what other people think of me. The only person I can control is me.
December 25, 2018
One of the most important lessons I have learned this year is that I need both my brain and my heart. My heart and intuition is great, but sometimes I delve into paranoia and that is not healthy for me. Sometimes my paranoia feels like intuition and when that happens I am in trouble. I've learned that the trick for me is to step back and ask myself whether it makes logical sense and if it is negative. It's taken me a while, but I am learning to differentiate between intuition and paranoia. I've found that it is usually paranoia if I'm telling myself that everyone is against me.
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| Moon Dark Goddess Tarot |
Book: In the realm of the soul, the moon is your guide, shape shifting, embracing duality, virgin onto herself, wheel of time, souls finding mercy
Guidance: Reenactment of an old story is at hand, look for a reinterpretation, change comes over time, attune yourself to your rhythms, set your imagination free, get more sleep
Journaling:
What an amazing card today to pull today on the last day of the year and when there is going to be a super moon tomorrow. I love the thought of doing the soul's work. I can feel the change afoot in the new year and know that there are amazing things on the horizon. I can feel the magick in the air.
January 11, 2018
Wow! This card was incredibly prophetic. The reenactment of an old story is at hand and I am working hard to respond a different way. Work is a little weird right now as we just went through a reorganization and I have a new boss, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I also heard that for some joint project we reached out to Jessica about OCM, which also makes me wonder what is going on. However, there is nothing I can do about any of that.
My initial reaction is to run. It's to say, this isn't going to work out it is time for me to walk away, but they are telling me very clearly to stay and that it will work out. It goes against all of my instincts, but I am choose to stay and see how it plays out.
The other interesting tidbit of guidance is the reminder to get enough sleep. I've learned this week that when I have enough sleep, I am much more effective at dealing with stressors and weird situations. When I don't get enough sleep, I struggle.
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Book: Beautiful, inspiring orb, releasing carnal instincts. Moon Goddess shows us our best dreams and worst nightmares
Guidance: Pay attention to your dreams and intuition, face your fears, attend to your soul
Journaling:
I like this card because it tells me to listen to what my soul is saying, but to not get led off course by my nightmares. My intuition is telling me that my daughter will be okay and she will be stronger because of it. I have to let go and quit smothering her. She is strong and capable and I need to trust that her meds are working and she is going to be okay. She is telling me they are going to be okay and I need to listen to them.
November 20, 2017
So far she is doing okay. Getting Clark has helped tremendously.
October 27, 2018
My daughter is actually doing very well. She has some anxiety and is nervous about what's going to happen with court, but she is doing much better than I think I would have been doing. Clark has truly helped her more than anything else I could have thought of. She dotes on that dog and he is her little shadow. I'm so glad that she has him and that he is there for her no matter what. I knew that getting a dog would help, because Luke is what really saved my life after my divorce.
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| Moon Dark Goddess Tarot |
Book: Weaver creating destiny, guide in the realm of the soul, shapeshifter, manifesting destiny
Guide: Let change unfold, look for meanings and guidance, let your imagination journey
Journaling:
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| Cairn Bell Tower in Sedona, AZ |
December 18, 2017
I'm realizing that one of the reasons tarot appeals to me is that it appeals to both my logic and my intuition.
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Keywords: Logic
Book: Suppressing or denying intuition, avoiding the unknown, avoiding fears
Guidance: Don't let your emotions get the better of you, be aware of a false sense of security, attend to your soul, explore your dreams
My biggest fear is not being loved and not having a special person in my life. Unfortunately, I am still fixated on F and I don't know if anyone else will do. I still honestly don't know if part of the reason I am attached to him is that he is unavailable. Fixating on him lets me avoid one of my biggest fears which is having a relationship with someone and their leaving me.
Update 11/07/2017
It's a year later and I still haven't made any progress on the love front, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and really starting to accept who I am as enough. I spent so much time listening to the bullshit of my parents and everyone else who said that in order to truly be someone I had to be with someone. I'm realizing that that is not true and that I am an amazing person in and of myself.
I see so many people who jump into relationships after they've broken up with someone because they are so afraid of being by themselves and although there are days I really hate to be alone, I'm glad I've had this time to be myself and to work through my own junk. There are days I'm lonely and really want to be with someone, but I'm also happy that I'm getting to know me.
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| The Moon Hanson Roberts |
Book: Psychic wakening. Dreams. The mystery at the center of existence The realm of enchantment. Risk. Confusing dichotomy.
Guidance: Trust your intuition. Be brave.
Journaling
I'm taking the moon as a reminder to slowdown and let myself connect with intuition and the moon itself this weekend. There is always something amazing about standing outside and gazing up at the moon. When I am open to her energy, I feel her gentle love flowing through me. I know I have strong intuition, but sometimes it gets clogged by all the bullshit and worry.
December 22, 2017
It is amazing to read this today as I needed to be reminded to trust my intuition. There was a shakeup at work and I've been a little freaked out by it, but my intuition is telling me to stay and to trust. It is telling me that it is all going to work out all right for me in the long run. It's really hard for me to accept that I should stay because my fight or flight instinct is strong. However, the message I am receiving so strongly is that I need to stay and that I will be taken care of.
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