One of the things that I know about myself is that I have an obsessive need to be the best and if I'm not, I get angry and rude. I will push back and cut people down who are threatening my supremacy. Not only does this make me look like an ass, it also causes internal drama for me. My chest gets tight, I feel the cortisol racing through my body, I get agitated, and it becomes more difficult to control what comes out of my mouth. I know that this is not healthy for me, but it is an automatic response and I haven't been able to control it to date. This is something that I really feel like I need to dig into.
The bottom line is that I think in black and white and if someone is as good or better than me, than I am worthless. I feel like I always have to defend myself against other people because if I lose, then I will disappear. I feel like someone being better than me means that I have to fight them off so that I am at the top of the hill.
If I look at where this came from, this one came from John as he was always comparing me unfavorably to other women. They were nicer, they were kinder, they were prettier. He would have these online relationships and he was constantly putting me down to these women and talking about how i was worthless and a slob. However, what he didn't realize is that in a lot of ways I was a reflection of him constantly putting me down. It is really hard to feel good about yourself when someone is constantly telling you that you are worthless or that other people are better than you. It is also very hard to feel good about yourself when someone who is supposed to love you is talking smack about you behind your back.
The thing that makes me the most angry is that I worked really hard to not talk negatively behind his back and to not tell people how unhappy and sad I really was. I really tried to support him and help him, but he didn't believe that. It was only in the last few years when it got really bad that I was honest with people about how unhappy I was.
What REALLY happens if I’m not the best?
This is an interesting card to pull in this position because I was expecting to get a reading about it not being any big deal and people still liking me. However, the card I got actually reflects how I feel if I am not the best. I get jealous and moody. I strike out at people and I am generally an ass. Since I wear my emotions on my sleeve, everyone knows when I am angry and even if I don't say anything, my energy is bristly and horrible.
The real problem is that I have this huge competitive streak and if there is anyone who threatens my supremacy, I feel like I have to destroy them. I'm really struggling with this at work because G. is giving some of the weaker members of our team projects that I'd really like to do and that I know I can excel at. My sick little brain is telling me that he is giving people those tasks because he thinks they will do better than I will. And my insane jealousy kicks in and I want to cut them down instead of mentoring them and building them up.
The thing is that I am actually a really good mentor, when I don't feel threatened. When I feel that someone has complimentary skills to mine, I can help them be better. However, when I feel someone is competition, I struggle to even be nice.