Saturday, July 23, 2022

Trauma: Being the Best

 One of the things that I know about myself is that I have an obsessive need to be the best and if I'm not, I get angry and rude.  I will push back and cut people down who are threatening my supremacy.  Not only does this make me look like an ass, it also causes internal drama for me.  My chest gets tight, I feel the cortisol racing through my body, I get agitated, and it becomes more difficult to control what comes out of my mouth.  I know that this is not healthy for me, but it is an automatic response and I haven't been able to control it to date.  This is something that I really feel like I need to dig into.

Why do I feel as if I always have to be the best?

The bottom line is that I think in black and white and if someone is as good or better than me, than I am worthless.  I feel like I always have to defend myself against other people because if I lose, then I will disappear.  I feel like someone being better than me means that I have to fight them off so that I am at the top of the hill.

If I look at where this came from, this one came from John as he was always comparing me unfavorably to other women.  They were nicer, they were kinder, they were prettier.  He would have these online relationships and he was constantly putting me down to these women and talking about how i was worthless and a slob.  However, what he didn't realize is that in a lot of ways I was a reflection of him constantly putting me down.  It is really hard to feel good about yourself when someone is constantly telling you that you are worthless or that other people are better than you.  It is also very hard to feel good about yourself when someone who is supposed to love you is talking smack about you behind your back.  

The thing that makes me the most angry is that I worked really hard to not talk negatively behind his back and to not tell people how unhappy and sad I really was.  I really tried to support him and help him, but he didn't believe that.  It was only in the last few years when it got really bad that I was honest with people about how unhappy I was.

What REALLY happens if I’m not the best?

This is an interesting card to pull in this position because I was expecting to get a reading about it not being any big deal and people still liking me.  However, the card I got actually reflects how I feel if I am not the best.  I get jealous and moody.  I strike out at people and I am generally an ass.  Since I wear my emotions on my sleeve, everyone knows when I am angry and even if I don't say anything, my energy is bristly and horrible.  

The real problem is that I have this huge competitive streak and if there is anyone who threatens my supremacy, I feel like I have to destroy them.  I'm really struggling with this at work because G. is giving some of the weaker members of our team projects that I'd really like to do and that I know I can excel at.  My sick little brain is telling me that he is giving people those tasks because he thinks they will do better than I will.  And my insane jealousy kicks in and I want to cut them down instead of mentoring them and building them up.

The thing is that I am actually a really good mentor, when I don't feel threatened.  When I feel that someone has complimentary skills to mine, I can help them be better.  However, when I feel someone is competition, I struggle to even be nice.

How do I let go of having to be the best?

I love this card and my initial reaction to this Seven of Wands is to think about it being a boundary or a barrier protecting the houses.  However, this card is also about choosing your battles and not having to rush in to battle needlessly.  This card is telling me to know that I am awesome, but that I do not have to be the best at everything.  There is room for everyone to be happy and successful and that when we stand together we are so much stronger.

This is an interesting read on this card because as I was looking at it, I realized that together the trees are protecting the village, but one tree alone would not provide protection.  The cards are telling me to lock arms with others and to be supportive and not destructive.  I do not have to go into battle with everyone.

This is also telling me to collaborate and not compete.  There is room for all of us to be awesome and there are things I am going to be better at and things others are going to be better at.  If we stand together, we will all get better.  In some ways, this card is like a chain and we are all links in that chain.

This has given me a lot to think about and I'm not sure where I'll go with this, but it has definately sparked some thoughts.

What will happen if I let go of needing to be the best?

Looking at this card purely from an aesthetic perspective, I read that I'm going to be able to take a deep
breath and relax.  I can dip my toes in the water and breathe in the deep mountain air.  This card is about personal power and personal strength and what the Two of Wands is telling me is that when I get so caught up in competing with everyone else, I let go of my own personal power.  Instead of focusing on being better than anyone else, I need to focus on being the best me I can be.  I don't have to compete with everyone, and all that competing just makes me tired and exhausted and gives me less energy to be the best me.

This card is telling me that if I let go of the need to compete, I can also be bold and daring in chasing my own goals.  There will be more energy for me.

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