February 11, 2022
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
First Impressions: Receiving, making decisions, non-rational material, nightmares
Book: Anxiety, terror, nightmares, obsession
Guidance: Don't make decisions from a position of anxiety
Journaling:
I needed this card today as the toilet overflowed and was running for three or four hours, which means that the floor got soaked and it flooded the downstairs. My immediate reaction of course was panic and that I need to get it all dried out, etc. etc. However, we turned off the water and I was able to take a step back and let go of the panic and deal with the situation. Cam cleaned up the junk downstairs and got rid of 7 bags of paper and garbage. That was something we needed to do and would not have happened if we hadn't had the floor.
I also called the plumber and he will be out Wednesday, I'm renting a blower to dry out the basement, and we'll call an electrician to look at the light. it is all good and we will make it all work. It was really hard to take a step back and look at this from a rational perspective and not an emotional and panicky response. I think I've just felt like I've gotten body blow after body blow this week so it was hard.
Where I'm At: I'm home this week sitting in my house that feels like it is falling down around me, but this is what it means to be a homeowner and I will make it work.
Mood: I was in a super bad and horrible mood this morning after dealing with the toilet, but I'm in a much better mood today.
Weather: It is 39 and rainy. The snow is getting dark and gross
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous, 76%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:26 PM / 5:55 PM
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Once I've looked at things and faced reality, the Loss card from the Journey Oracle reminds me that it really is okay to let myself grieve and let myself be sad and grieve if there is really a loss to be grieving. All the work I've done on grief and loss this year reminds me that it really is okay to let myself feel what I need to feel. I don't have to be superwoman.
Note: The last few days and tomorrow will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet. I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.
Dark Goddess Question: What is the new world that is being revealed?
First Impressions: Fears, light, not being able to sleep
Book: Worries are not real
Dark Goddess Book: Fear is getting in the way of seeing the truth
Guidance: Time will bring clarity
Dark Goddess Guidance: Separate what you wish for, what you expect, and what you dread in order to see clearly
Journaling
I'm realizing that there is a world out there where I will be able to express my fears and move on with my life. Sometimes I think it is holding in our fears that holds us back. My greatest fear is that I am fundamentally unlovable and that there is something wrong with me. However, I'm realizing through reading books like the Shadow Daughter and others that there is nothing wrong with me. I am a beautiful, loving, funny, and amazing person. It is not my fault that my mother cannot love me and treat me with the respect I deserve. That is about her and is not a fundamental flaw in who I am. Even though I've grown tremendously in the last few years, I'm realizing that there has always been a little piece of my soul that has believed I am unworthy of love because of how my mother raised me. However, I now know that that is not true and that she is incapable of truly loving. It makes me sad and i feel compassion for her, but at the end of the day, it is not about me at all.
Rereading her letter through grownup eyes instead of the eyes of a child helped me to realize that my perceptions are correct as the letter was all about her and about her need to have her family. It was not about us at all, instead it was about how her friends are having great grandkids so she wants great grandkids to show off. It is as if we were to be used as pawns in her game of one upmanship with her friends instead of being appreciated for who we are. That's a cold and harsh reality and I know that there is a little part of me that wishes it wasn't so and that hopes I'm wrong, but I'm not wrong and that is really who she is. I don't need that in my life anymore.
The Banshee tells me to acknowledge those dark bits of my soul, but to let go of them and to know that they are fears and that I am can let go of them and let them fly off into the night like her crows.
First Impressions: Nightmare, being kept up at nights
Book: Truth will come with morning
Guidance: Most of our fears are illusions. Time will bring clarity
Journaling
This is an interesting card for me because I do a good job of getting myself swirly about what I think is going to happen, then I waste a lot of time worrying which makes my life more difficult. Then most of the time the thing I was worried about doesn't even happen. I was annoyed and pissed off about the thought of having to go to Nidec, then St. Louis. Well my trip to St. Louis got postponed so I will actually get some time at home. That has happened to me so many times lately where I have worried and agonized over something that did not come to fruition.
One of the things that I need to remind myself to do is to take a deep breath when I start to get swirly. Most of the things that I worry about don't end up happening. And even if they did end up happening, most of them are manageable anyway. And sometimes when I do drop a ball, that's okay as most of the balls I drop are not the end of the world. Most of them are things that don't even matter. I do keep my eyes on the big balls and the ones that matter and I work hard not to drop those balls.
One of the reasons that I'm so swirly right now is that my biggest nightmare is being stuck in this job. I'm tired of traveling and it is taking a huge toll on my life. It is hard to form relationships, I feel trapped, etc. etc. However, if that is the message that I'm putting out there, it's no wonder that I'm miserable. I need to start asking for what I want instead of bitching about what I don't have. Once Cam's trial is over, I am going to start doing some major job magic.
Book: Crossing her arms to protect her heart, troubled by big problems
Guidance: Reach out and get the comfort and wisdom you need, allow someone to guide and comfort you
Journaling:
I need to hear this reading about asking for help. I don't do such a god job of asking for help. I tend to hold things in and not let other people in. The only time I ever truly let people in was right after my divorce and I was so shattered and broken. The pain was so tremendous that I could not contain it. I spewed because this pain was horrible. However, as I've healed, I've receded into myself. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
I'm not a recluse and it is not as if I've been hiding in a hovel and never venturing out. I go out and I interact, but I'm standoffish and not thrilled about doing the work it takes to know people.
November 25, 2017
I need to make some time for me. I am so caught in in Cam that I'm not taking care of me. I need to step back from her and trust she is in the Goddess' hand. I need to let go of my need to hold on so tight. If I don't make time to take care of me, I will end up angry and resentful. I also need to let go and trust.
November 9, 2018
It's so interesting that this theme of vulnerability has been coming up again and again. I need to start trusting people and letting them in. I think knowing that I can be fierce will help me to be vulnerable and to let people in. This year is going to be all about exploring vulnerability and being more open with other people. I'm really scared about this, but I know it is something that I really need to do.
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Book: Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out
Guidance: Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you
Journaling:
It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people. I reached out to the UU's stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me. Not one of the people reached out to say, "Hope your daughter is okay." Instead they just harassed me and were rude. Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.
November 20, 2017
I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way. What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt? I would have said I'm sorry and asked what I could do. However, not one of those bitches did that. I don't want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it. It isn't that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.
October 26, 2018
I'm getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true. My daughter was abducted and assaulted. There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead. Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.
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| Nine of Air Dark Goddess Tarot |
Book: If you would known, do not fear to see. Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries. She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.
Guidance: Do not give fears a priority when making a decision. Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.
Journaling:
What a perfect card to pull today. Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the "I'm fired" path. That makes no sense at all because I've been billable and we're gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went. I'm learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.
That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do. I'm so mean to myself even when I've done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am. I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:
- Stop what I'm doing and breathe
- Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
- Roll with the situation and see what comes of it
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| Nine of Air Gaian Tarot |
The nine of air is a card of deep sorrow and grieving. As my physical strength has been stripped away, I find I have no energy for pretense or illusion. There is a deep grief at the core of my being: grief over my desire for happily ever after, grief over the fact that I am alone.
This card is about all that binds me to the past. It is also about trusting that she will take care of me. It is about letting go and being willing to sacrifice my dreams. That's hard for me as I'm scared of being alone and I feel my life isn't valuable if I'm alone. However, the flip side is that I am so afraid of being hurt that I don't let people in. Even though it is lonely, it is so much easier to hold people at arm's length then to let them in. I guess I just have to trust the goddess.
December 24, 2017
This card still resonates with me as I find myself clinging to the old ways of doing things and my old thought patterns. She has appeared to me multiple times to tell me to let go and I have started to let go, but sometimes when I get scared or stressed, I start clinging to things that I shouldn't cling to.
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