First Impressions: Comforting, remember the people left behind, dreaming of loved ones
Book: Change, transition, endings, loss, ending, new beginnings, mourning, grief
Guidance: Spirit rises ahead of grief's embrace
This is an interesting card to pull as I feel I have been surrounded by death for the last year. In my classroom work, I have come to understand what grief is and that we can never really leave our loved ones behind, instead they live with us in different ways. My life is so much richer for having known Luke and knowing what it was like to know you needed to be of service to someone else. Loving Luke was such pure love and when he visits today, I know it is because he loves and misses me.
My relationships with humans is more complicated. I know my father loved me, but my grief is tinged with trauma as I wonder what my life would have been life if he had truly supported my dreams and aspirations. I know that he was never able to as he was trapped in his old fashioned patriarchal world view. What I have had to come to accept is that he did fully love me, but he did not support me. I've had to accept that those are two different things. It hasn't necesseary made life easier, but it has helped me with letting go.
Where: I'm sitting in a hotel room in Modesto, CA and the weather is absolutely beautiful. It was a good day at work, but I am always a little wonked out when I am working at the office on the West Coast.
Weather: It was absolutely beautiful today. The sun was warm and although it was a little crisp, it felt amazing outside
Moon Phase: Waxing, Gibbous, 80%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:32 AM/7:37 PM
Book: From all endings, comes a promise of new beginnings
Guidance: Death of something that needs to end, open yourself to possibilities
This card made me think of Elif and her journey over the rainbow bridge. She's fading fast and I know that she will be leaving the earthly realm soon, but I got a sense of comfort today as I caught an image of her and Ollie getting into mischief in the next realm and of there being best buds. It was such a peaceful image that it left me with a sense of peace and hope. However, Cam is so distraught today as she contemplates losing another animal and having to take care of it by herself. I had to leave to go to work and couldn't be there for her and Sean is so upset about Elif dying that he can't think of anyone but himself and is being so angry.
I am so proud of my girl as even though the easy thing to do would be to just leave Elif in her cage, she is choosing to be present for her, to hold her, to bathe her, and to take care of her. She has such an amazing spirit and she is the kindest and most compassionate person that I know. I know that her heart is being ripped to shreds right now, but instead of thinking of her own feelings, she is putting Elif's needs first. I wish I was half as loving and compassionate as she is.
Book: Daunting, death is with us every minute of our lives, parts of us are always dying and being reborn, possibility of transformation
Guidance: Let go and free up your energies to enjoy what this world has to offer, have trust in the future, bid farewell to the past
This is such a hard card, but an amazing card as well because it speaks of the wondrous possibilities that can be had if we are willing to let go of our fear and step into the abyss. In some ways this card is similar to the fool in that both are about trusting enough to take a difficult step. The fool is about choosing to step into the unknown and trust that we will soar and this card is about choosing to let go of the past and be reborn.
What is odd to me is that I have always embraced the fool as I've always loved the image of taking the leap of faith and stepping into the unknown. I think my hangup is that I always viewed the fool as stepping off from a neutral place like a cliff and choosing to believe that there was an amazing future waiting for me. However, death is about letting go of all the junk that is holding us back. It is letting go of the people we love who are not good for us, it is about letting go of situations that are not good for us, but are comfortable. Death is a harder leap of faith because not only we are stepping off the cliff into the abyss, we are stepping away from what is known.
Choosing to let go of things that may be comfortable, but bad for us is really really hard, but if we can take that leap of faith we can be reborn. This card is also the natural successor to the Hanged Man as the Hanged Man asks us to be willing to give up beliefs that no longer serve us, but Death is choosing to actually give them up.
I just pulled this card a few days ago and it feels like a stalker card. I don't know what it means that I have drawn this card twice in four days. I don't know if it means a literal death or if it is about upcoming changes. I will need to pay attention and see what happens in my life.
January 2, 2018
I'm still not sure why I pulled this card twice in April, but I've come to realize that when I pull this card it is a reminder to let go of the past and embrace the future. In the past, I've done a really lousy job of embracing the future and letting go of the past. I tend to hold on to things until they are rotted and purely not redeemable. There are days I wonder if I could have salvaged at least a working relationship with him if I had not hung on so long. However, I don't think I could have because of his own issues.
Book: Death is the ultimate transformer, sun is foretelling a new beginning, positive change, transformation, renewal, a new life awaits you
Guidance: Feel liberated
The death card is a reminder to let go of what is holding me back and embrace change. Interesting card as I reflect on yesterday. I was so scared driving on route 1. I kept being afraid I was going to plunge off the cliff. It was much better driving back when I was on the inside.
I need to take care of myself or the death card will come true. I'm going to start by giving up bread, then soda. I'm hoping if I lose weight and quit sugar my numbers will go down.
I also saw a dead sea lion on the beach this morning and that made me so sad, but thanks to the circle of life I remembered that this is just what happens. We are born, we die
December 30, 2018
I did not do such a good job giving up bread. It did not help that I ended up at a project at King's Hawaiian and got coupons and free rolls. What I've realized is that I have to come to a balanced position with bread. I'm going to make homemade bread one weekend a month and that will be it. I can give up crappy, substandard bread if I get homemade bread once a month. I've also mostly given up soda by changing out the ritual. Now the ritual is to go and buy the Bai instead of soda and it is actually working. I think the problem with trying to switch to water is that I missed the ritual aspects of it. I missed the going to the store and searching for it. That made me savor it more. I still have some of that with Bai as they don't always have my flavor.
I'm also really worried about this thing on my arm. I don't think it is cancerous because it is pretty symmetrical, but there could still be something there. I will just pray that I am taken care of.
Book: If you want to move past this point, you need to move past death. Death of the ego. Ending of all kinds, letting go
Guidance: Beware of the fear of change, let go of old thoughts, create closure
I have to let go of wanting my mother to be someone she's not. I have to accept that, for whatever reason, she is incapable of growth and change. She can't be the mother than I need or want her to be. That means that I need to find loving and supporting relationships with others.
The good thing is that I have grown and changed over the past six years and I'm in a place where I will no longer accept disrespect.
July 1, 2018
Funny, that this was where I started my evening of scribing. Cam and I got into it yesterday and she said that nothing was ever good enough for me and that I was just like my mother. Needless to say that hurt a lot and made me do some serious soul searching. I realized that I was doing exactly the same thing to her that my mother did to me. I was making her doubt herself and what she was wanting in her life.
I don't like her being worked like a dog and having a constantly changing schedule. However, as long as we work it out so she is not inconveniencing anyone else with her crazy schedule, it's my job to support her and love her and make her life a little easier if I can. This really is about the death of the ego and of letting go and trusting her to make the best decisions that she can. It is not as if she is out dealing drugs on the sidewalk. She is working to help people and I should support her and not put her down.
Part of this is about my ego and the realization that in a lot of ways she is a better person than I will ever be. I cannot give that freely and unconditionally of myself, especially to people who are unappreciative. My ego wants to be recognized and if people are not recognizing my ego, I'm struggling with the entire situation.
Book: Seeker feels stuck, feels like nothing has been accomplished, remove the blockage, let go and move on, fear of change, depression
Guidance: Let go and move on, work through the fear
This card reflects where I've been lately. I have been stuck and feeling as if I am never going to move on. I don't know if I am holding too tightly to the past or what. I know I still want X and I really don't want anyone else. It's also so hard to move on when I am still stuck in Chicago half the time. Even this week when I've been home, it feels like why bother when I know I will be back in Chicago next week.
May 25, 2018
One of the ways that I know that I am changing is that I am able to feel so much compassion for the pain I was in. I no longer look at what I've written and cringe at my whining, but instead I acknowledge the pain that I was in and realize that not treating myself with compassion was a big part of the reason that I stayed stuck in my pain is that I did not have compassion for myself. Instead, even if I didn't write it on the page, I was internally berating myself and channeling my mother who told me to suck it up.
Having heard messages like that for over 40 years, it is no wonder that I am cruel to myself. That bitch constantly belittled me, put me down anytime I showed a "negative" emotion, and always made it about other people. I'm realizing that she had no business being a mother as she had no clue how to be supportive and loving. I am so fortunate that I had other women in my life who were positive and loving and who did encourage me. I need to focus on that support and not on her constant put downs.
I am so proud of myself for breaking free of her negativity. It is hard in this country to walk away from a parent and say she is toxic. Everyone seems t think that if someone is your parent that you owe them and that walking away is cruel. I'm sure that she does view it as cruel, but it is the thing that saved my life. Having Blaze offer unconditional love helped, but having the courage to walk away from my mother is what truly started me down the path to healing. Knowing that I did not need her support and that I could CHOOSE to cut her out of my life was powerful and was the one thing that truly started me down a healing path.
Even though it has been eight years since I've seen her and seven since I've talked to her, there are till days when her nasty voice creeps back into my head and I have to have Frank escort her to the door and tell her to F* off. However, lately I've been doing a good job of escorting her out of my head myself and telling her to F* off.
Book: Strong sense of inertia. Feeling that nothing has been accomplished. Stay with it as there is more to learn. Avoidance of or fear of change.
Guidance: Remove the blockage to transition. Let go and move on. Pray and meditate.
Death reversed pretty much sums up where I'm at today. I'm feeling stuck, helpless, and depressed. I feel as if I will never move forward and never have the love I want in my life. I am such a white picket fence girl. I am all about hearth and home and none of this stuff at work is really important to me. All I really want to do is come home to someone who loves me.
December 23, 2017
I still really want to have someone in my life who loves me to come home to. I know the kids love me, but I want that one person who is always there for me. Despite all that I've been through, I still believe in love and happily every after. However, one thing I have learned in the last year is that work does have meaning for me and I do enjoy it and take a sense of pride in what I do. I'm also realizing how important it is to have gratitude for what we do have in our lives. I may want to have someone, but I do appreciate having my kids, a home to live in, and a job that pays me well. Even though I want love, it doesn't mean I should trash the things that I do have in my life.
So incredibly proud of myself for getting rid of that toxic influence!!
At first glance this is about all the things I've lost in my life. It is about letting go of illusions. It is about grieving and moving on. We need to let go of these things that no longer serve us. Release that which no longer your best interest to create the space for new beginnings. Where am I holding on to that which no longer serves me:
- The belief that I will live happily ever after with a certain someone
- My anger over John's betrayal
- Playing the strong survivor
- Playing the victim
- The expectation that John will ever grow up
- The belief that I am unlovable
- The belief that I'm not strong enough
Beating myself up and talking down to myself is not and has never been productive. All it has done has lead me to not like myself and to continue to put other people first. I need to let go of all of the negativity and realize how truly amazing I am.