June 24, 2022
First Impressions: This card looks like Mary as the Queen of Heaven. I love the flowers in the background and the heron and swan at her feet. She looks kind, but also like she means business.
Book: Compassion, boundaries, intuition, sympathy, understanding
Guidance: Create boundaries that support filling your own cup before helping others
I needed to hear this as there is a big part of me that wants to rush off and dash headfirst into the abortion wars. However, I need a to sit back, take a pause, and figure out the best way I can support the movement. I don't believe that protesting works, but there are other ways I can help support abortion rights. I need to just put it out there that I want to do my part and pray that the solution will come my way.
For right now, I need to take care of myself. I need to pray, meditate, and do what I can do to put myself in a healthy mindspace.
Where I'm At: I'm at home and I'm sad, furious, and feeling useless. The fucking assholes on SCOTUS overturned Roe. We knew it was coming, but it still feels like a body blow. I don't know what I can do, but I am sad and angry. I don't believe that protests work, but I don't know where else to spend my energy.
Weather: It was actually a beautiful day out today as it wasn't too hot or too cold.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 18%
Sunrise / Sunset: 5:51 / 9:05
June 25, 2022
It's interesting as after I wrote this, I found an article in Cleveland.com about groups helping women fund abortion and one of them was a faith based group. I'm going to start putting together a spreadsheet listing faith based pro and anti groups. That will be an awesome foundation for my dissertation.
Guidance: Connect to your intuition
First impressions: Filling my cup
Book: Accepting the flow of all emotions,
Guidance: Be authentic for all feelings are acceptable if we own them, be authentically in the moment with what is
I love this reminder to be authentic with our emotions and to own them. My gut reaction to that statement is that sometimes it is too easy to wallow in our emotions. However, when I am really honest with myself, the emotions that I wallow in are those that I don't understand. When I am confused and feeling like I'm sad, but I'm really angry, I tend to wallow. I wallowed a lot when John left because I was so overwhelmed and I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling. In retrospect, I really don't think that I was wallowing as much as much as I was seeking attention because I didn't think I was strong enough to survive on my own. I was looking for someone to take care of me, because I didn't think I could take care of myself. I also was uncomfortable at acknowledging that self loathing was a big part of what I was feeling at that time. I didn't like how I looked, what I did, or who I was. At the heart of who I was was a great big pile of uncomfortable shame. And that was definitely not something I wanted to acknowledge.
When I am truly honest with myself, I know that I was playing the victim because I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me and I wanted someone to validate my feelings. The kids are quick to point out that I obsess over things and when I take a step back, I realize that when I am obsessing I am wanting someone to validate my point of view or my emotions. That is a symptom of my childhood where I was taught that my opinion didn't matter and that my thoughts only mattered if someone else validated them. I am very slowly learning that that is not true, but it is still difficult sometimes to accept that my thoughts and opinions are valid and that I don't need anyone else to validate me.
What I have learned in the past eight years is that if I am honest and acknowledge my feelings right away, I don't get overwhelmed with them. However, I did get overwhelmed when I wasn't honest about what I was feeling and when I let everything pile up and pile up. I had all of this garbage deep in my soul and when my resistance finally broke down and I let it all out, it was very scary.
Book: Goddess of the sea who claims lives when she is bored.
Guidance: Surrender to the sea to find her hidden places, stop fighting the tide, make offerings to the depths, embrace our ability, you know where you belong, accept it.
The day I originally journaled I was really upset with my daughter for wanting to go on a walk when I didn't want to and for her playing the expert. I wrote a whole lot of really nasty things that I don't want to repeat here🙁. The bottom line is thought that I should have maintained better boundaries and not let myself get talked into going with her.
December 27, 2017
The stuff I originally wrote is exactly the reason I decided to put my journals online and to sanitize them. Writing all the garbage I wrote felt really good, but at the end of the day it would have served no one to have her read it. We are human beings and even though we all love each other, there are times when the kids get on my nerves and I'm sure there are times that I get on their nerves. It's been a little jittery to have the kids home over the holidays as I was looking forward to cleaning and chilling and that's harder to do with everyone here.
However, this is their home and I want them to know it is their home so it would be horrible for me to put up arbitrary rules and say they can't be in the living room because I want it to be quiet. That would be mean and I'm not going to do it. We will just all compromise and it will all work out.
Book: Nurturing, warm, tender, sympathetic, intuitive, strong people skills, charisma, over thinking, over protective
Guidance: Nurture yourself, trust your intuition, pull back from our emotions and do not let yourself drown in them
I was able to step back and look at my emotions without getting bogged down in them. I'm learning that sometimes the most important thing I can do for myself is to acknowledge what I'm feeling. I spend so much time wearing a mask and pretending that life is okay but when I am truly honest with myself, I'm able to have the feelings and let them go without holding on to them. I was able to I was scared without fear or shame and that was huge.
May 25, 2018
I have become so much better at nurturing myself and being kind to myself when I am feeling sad or lonely. Before I was all about beating myself and berating myself for having "negative" emotions, however the more I have distanced myself from my mother and the more I have worked to find compassion for myself, the more I am able to accept all of who I am without judging myself. That's not to say it isn't easy or that there are not days when I don't still beat myself up, but mostly I'm able to take a step back and say that it is okay and love myself. I'm realizing that at the end of the day, the only person I truly will always have in my life is me and that I need to be kind to myself.