Friday, June 17, 2022

Five of Cups

 June 17, 2022

Deck:   Intuitive Dark Goddess

First Impressions:  Sunshine, happiness, light streaming through

Book:  Contrast, perspective, loss, gratitude, process

Guidance:   Accept the good and the bad as part of a greater whole


I needed this reminder that where there is bad, there is also good.  I have been so focused on the bad lately that I forget that there is good in this world.  There are people who are helpful and kind and who want to be there for others.  However, the good in this world doesn't sell newspapers so it isn't often spotlighted and when it is, it is spotlighted as something strange and out of the ordinary.  It is also so easy to get trapped into feeling like I want and need more.

I have enough and I am going to remember that.  I'm going to put my windchimes in the house so that I can start being a more positive person.  I think I will also drag out my gratitude journal and start writing in it every day.  Another thing I can do to start feeling better about the world is to start spending more time cleaning.  I know that I always feel better when I have a clean house.

Where I'm At:  I love summer Fridays.  I worked hard this morning, but I thoroughly enjoyed this afternoon.  I hung out with the dogs and just had a wonderful day.

Weather:  The weather was absolutely beautiful.  It wasn't too hot and it was a nice day for a drive.

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 78

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:04


 June 2, 2022

Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Grief, being overwhelmed, sadness, not looking at what is left

Book:  Mourning, loss, bitterness, regret, rejection

Guidance: Don't cry over spilt milk


My heart is breaking right now with anger, rage, grief, and sadness.  The world we live in is so broken.  It feels like the only safe place is at home with the doors locked.  I'm scared to go to the grocery store, I'm scared to go out in public, I'm just scared to exist because it feels like there are men with guns around every corner.  Unfortunately, I know this isn't a figment of my imagination as there have been over 250 mass shooting events this year.  Grocery stores, schools, work places, malls.  It seems like no place is safe.

Little kids go to school and never come home.  This is a card of crying and mourning and screaming.  It is a card about recognizing how horrible the world is, but picking up and going on.  It is about looking for ways to make a difference even when the world sucks.

Where:  I'm at home today

Weather:  It is getting to be those warm summer days where it is unbearably hot sometimes and other times when you are still, the breeze hits you and it feels so good.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 8%

Sunrise / Sunset: 


May 21, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Focusing on what is lost, an oh my expression.  Out in the wilderness when there is a castle not too far away

Book: Mourning, loss, bitterness, rejection

Guidance: Do not cry over spilled milk


Cam and I talked about John today while we were out and about and how every time anyone made a mistake or something broke it was personal for him.  Everything everyone did was all about him, when in reality it wasn't.  People made mistakes because people make mistakes and things break.  But it was always a big thing.  This came up because I made a wrong turn and Cam pointed out that we were able to just go on and move on, but John would have berated me for it.  It would have been all about how stupid I was for not paying attention.  We also talked about how he really had no friends because once people saw how horrible he was, they dumped him.  

Of course, this triggered flashbacks for me and I was thinking about the time he beat me with a baseball bat and wondering if I should have called the cops.  I've always told myself that I didn't call the cops because I didn't want him to go to jail, but I'm realizing that that is not the truth.  I was terrified that if I called the cops, he would get out and he would kill me or the kids.  Calling the police on a domestic abuser can be deadly as he is angry and embarrassed and blames the victim.  I think the real truth of the matter is that I didn't trust the police and was afraid that if I called them, it would be worse or they would not believe me.  What I am realizing is that I did what I needed to do to live and survive.  Calling the police could have been deadly for me.

The other truth is that even 10 years ago, people did not believe victims of intimate partner violence and they blamed the victim or the abuser was able to talk his way out of it and escape punishment.  I need to let go of thinking that I let him off the hook and start realizing that I very likely saved my life and the life of the kids.  He is a dangerous and violent person, especially when crossed.

I guess this card makes me think of that because I was so bitter and angry at myself for so long for not putting him in jail and that bitterness was eating me up, but when I look at it from the perspective of a survivor, I feel better about myself.

Where: Clam and I drove down to Chagrin Falls to Yours Truly for Breakfast and it was awesome to get out together and have a nice meal.  Of course, eating breakfast made us hungry for the rest of the day.  It rained in the afternoon / evening and it was so cozy to sit in front of the window and listen to the rain.

Weather:  It was actually a really nice day in the morning, but it stormed in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 64%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:59 / 8:45


April 4, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, life force draining away

Book:  Grieving, disillusion, disappointment, wallowing, self pity, a broken heart

Guidance:  Dismantle your grief and reclaim your happiness


Wow!  This card hit the nail on the head for me today.  I am grieving the life that I really want:  a life with someone to walk by my side.  There are a lot of benefits to being alone and not being accountable to someone, but the downside is that I'm lonely.  My kids are great and it is nice to not be totally alone, but I want someone to flirt with and to be an adult with.  I want someone who I'm not responsible for.  And I don't know how to get that in my life.  A lot of the times I feel so alone and awkward and geeky.

It also feels like I spent all my energy doing shit I don't care about.

Where: I'm sitting at home in the living room after going to Metro Health for Open Table.  It actually felt really good to get out and interact with people.

Weather:  It was a reasonably nice day out today.  I went out this afternoon and it was about 50 so I was able to just wear a jacket.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 10%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 am / 7:55 pm


February 17, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  La Larona, sadness, bereft, crying

Book:  Self pity, guilt, regret, stagnation, depression

Guidance:  Learn from your regret or it will be useless


Interesting card to pull today as I am depressed.  It just feels like everything in the world is so overwhelming.  It's raining today and it makes the sadness in the air almost palpable.  The message of this card is to learn from regrets, but I'm not sure which regrets to learn from.  I have worked through most of my regrets and most of my sadness, so I'm not sure what I need to learn.  

However, I am feeling sorry for myself today as I really don't like my job.  It's boring and I feel like all I am doing is serving capitalism.  I don't feel like I am helping people at all and that is not a good feeling.  I want a job that lets me change the world and I don't have that.  All I am doing is helping a bloated company make more money.  I've always wanted a job where I help save the world and I don't think I've eve really had it.  when I worked for the Air Force, I was helping the military industrial complex and now I'm helping capitalism.

Where I'm At: I'm home this week.

Mood: I'm sad

Weather:   It's cold and rainy and it is supposed to snow later

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:18 AM / 6:02 PM


August 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Bleak, sadness, grieving

Book:  Wandering in a bleak landscape, bridge leading back to fullness

Guidance: Grieve for what is lost, but acknowledge what still remains


I'm so tired of being constantly angry and sad.  It feels as if those are my only two emotions and I'm struggling to keep the anger from coming out at inappropriate times.  This feels a lot like when I was married when I was just so angry and sad all the time.  However, I also know that anger and sadness also masquerade as fear and I'm terrified this mother fucker is going to get off and I know that Cam says that she just wants it over, but I know she'll be devastated if he gets off.  And I know that I'm going to want to attack him and kill him right there in the courtroom.  My hate rage is so overpowering.  I just want him eviscerated and eliminated from the planet.  I want to pound his fucking head into the pavement until it is a bloody pulp.  However, I also know that he's not worth going for jail for.  He is a piece of garbage and even if he gets off, the court of karma will catch up with him.

I'm feeling sad, scared, angry, guilty, and a whole host of other emotions that I don't even know how to name.  All I know is that I'm going to just have to keep turning it over and eventually it will get better.  Turning it over really is the only thing that helps.

I'm grateful that Cam is doing okay
I'm grateful for the nice weather
I'm grateful for not blowing up at anyone today
I'm grateful for being safe and snug in my hotel room
I'm grateful for standing up for myself
I'm grateful there are jobs to apply for
I'm grateful for the support from our internal team
I'm grateful for Vince's email
June 12, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Not appreciating what you have

Book:  Keen disappointment and regret when we realizing something is slipping away

Guidance:  Let go of things that are not working out, be gentle with yourself, beyond this place lies new hope


I was feeling really unappreciative of what I have today.  I have plenty of work to keep me busy and I know that I need to proceed slowly and not get in over my head, but I'm busy thinking about all the projects we have that don't have OCM on them.  I was focusing on what I don't have and how our organization doesn't really support what I do.  I feel as if it is me continuing to fight uphill and that's a really frustrating place to be in.  However, what I should focus on is that I get the opportunity to go in and do something that is mostly fun everyday and I get paid a whole lot of money to do it.

A lot of the problem is that I'm not happy with doing the same thing over and over and over and I don't really feel as if what I do makes a difference in the world.  I want to make a difference and I want to change people's lives and I don't do that now.  All I do is help company's make more money and that's not a lot of fun.  However, the job that I have is teaching me skills that I will need to move into a role I want which is in culture and diversity.  I have to work to change my mindset from focusing on what I don't have to focusing on what I do have.  Sometimes that's hard to do and I get caught up in loss and forget to feel gratitude for what I have.

At the heart of it, this card is about being grateful for the blessings in our lives.  There is always loss in our lives, but if we are able to open our hearts and be grateful for what we have, life will flow much better and we will be much more able to appreciate the good stuff that we have.

I love the line "beyond this place lies new hope."  That is such a wonderful reminder to let go of what we can no longer have and be ready to embrace the new.  I've learned that to embrace the new, I have to mourn what I'm letting go of.  Sometimes we think we can just let go of things, but it is important to have the mourning period that helps us to let go.

November 12, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  pulled reversed

First impressions:
  Appreciate what you have

Book:  Return and restoration of hope after recent losses, situation is beginning to turn, feelings of hopefullness

Guidance: Be hopeful, let go of the wounds


There are two meanings of this card reversed and I am torn as to which one is more suitable.  One is about the restoration of hope and the other is about the utter loss of hope.  There is a part of me that feels hope being restored and ready to move and the other that feels devastated and as if I have no hope at all.  Dinner was wonderful, but I still ended up sleeping alone and that hurts.  I really and truly want the real deal and I am not sure if I will ever get it and that is devastating.

September 1, 2018

It's been almost two years since I wrote this and I'm not even sure who I went to dinner with.  LOL.  I still want the real deal, but I have learned a lot in the last two years about the value of being alone and the value of my independence.  I've realized that if I had gotten with anyone right after John and I broke up that it would have been a disaster.  I was so broken that I would have trashed any relationship with my neediness.

I've come to value myself so much in the last few years and I've learned how to talk myself out of the bad places when I need to.  I've learned to take a step back and evaluate what is real and what's not.  I find that my thoughts take me down into a deep dark place sometimes, but I can also use my thoughts to get myself out of that deep dark place and back to a place of hope. 

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