May 28 2022
First Impressions: At home in the sword. I love the windows in the shaft of the sword. It also looks like there are tents in the sword and little men. There is also a wreath
Book: Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas
Guidance: Clear Windows into Right Action
The Ace of Swords for me is always about cutting through bullshit and getting to the heart of the matter. I've always thought of it as cutting through emotional bullshit, but as i reflect on this card I could see it could also be a decluttering card as getting rid of the clutter can help us see a straight path and can help clear out the emotional clutter. I know that I always feel stuck when there is so much physical clutter around. I think that is why I love going to hotels because there isn't so much junk. I can see clearly and I don't get distracted by the clutter.
My goal for the summer is to get the house clean and cut down on the clutter. Every other Friday we're going to spend time cleaning. I'm also going to spend time cleaning during the week. this week I've actually got a lot done and I'm going to keep working on it today. The problem is that I get so tired so it takes me a while, but if I just keep going bit by bit, I will get it done.
Where: I'm home today and I was actually pretty productive. I got up early, went to the store, then to the Farmers Market. I also had a call with Dr. Perkins about my PhD. Things are not looking good as she thinks that Western won't start the program up again. However, I'm okay with that and I am just going to take it one day at a time.
Weather: It was chilly this morning when I went tot he market, but it started to warm up in the afternoon.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent, 4%
Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 am / 8:51 Pm
April 30, 2022
Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: Fighting the good fight, rewards for fighting, cutting through bullshit
Book: Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas
Guidance: Clear Windows into right action
This one makes me chuckle right now as my window is not clear and is covered with duck tape. I like the thought of clear windows leading to right action. This tells me that the way to figure out what I want to do in life is to clean out all the clutter so I can see clearly. Starting next weekend, that's what my plan is. I want to get rid of all the physical junk so i can start working on the emotional junk.
Physically I have been feeling horrible lately and I honestly don't know if it is emotional clutter, true physical ailments, or something else. All I know is that I need to get rid of all the junk so I can see my path forward.
Where: I'm at home today and I am utterly exhausted. My whole body is achy and it is difficult to even drag myself upright.
Weather: It is a little chilly out, but it has been nice.
Moon Phase: Dark Moon
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:22 am / 8:24 PM
May 29th Update
Interesting as I read this that I made the connection between bullshit and clutter last month as well. I did do some work cleaning out clutter, but there is still work to be done. I think the thing is that I get totally overwhelmed and it is not only my stuff, it is everyone else's. Cam has opened two boxes and just left them where they lay. She is horrible about that and I don't know how to make things different.
March 17, 2022
Deck: Light Seer's Tarot
First Impressions: Fractials, spiral staircase, channeling the wisdom of the universe
Book: New ideas, clarity, truths revealed, thought, communication
Guidance: Make use of your mindset tools
I'm sitting here half a sleep and feeling as if my brain will never be truly awake. It feels as if all my best brain cells go to work. I have to figure out a way to do my work and get paid, but still have time and energy for the stuff that matters. I think I need to consider starting to exercise again. I have been a couch potato lately and I have the feeling that that is part of the reason I have no energy. I also don't get out of the house a lot so I'm breathing in dander filled air.
I realize that I spend a lot of time living in my brain and not living an embodied life. I need to work to build that mind body connection so that both are strong.
Where I'm At: I'm sitting on the couch before work. Wendy is mad because Sean is gone and she
Weather: It is beautiful out. It's bright and sunny
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 99%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:35 am / 7: 35 pm
First Impressions: Discerning, cutting away what no longer serves
Book: Truth, Yoni as gateway to powers of the sword, Inspiration, insight, and keen intellect, double edged sword
Guidance: Rationally analyze situations to make good decisions, commit yourself to the truth
I chose to write about the Ace of Swords today because for me this card symbolizes cutting away what is no longer needed. I view it as a giant pair of scissors that cut away attachments that tangle us up and serve no purpose. As summer is here, this card could also be viewed as a big pair of pruning sheers cutting away dead wood so that what is left behind can grow and find the sunlight. Unfortunately, pruning the dead wood out of our lives is not as easy as pruning dead branches, because all too often the dead wood is relationships that have outlived their usefulness or that are strangling us.
My separation (2010) and divorce (2011) not only cleared away the dead wood of a marriage that was strangling me and causing me to become an angry and bitter person, they also illuminated the root of the problem which was an unhealthy relationship with my mother. I realized that she had raised me to be a doormat and put everyone else's needs above mine. When I wanted to go to a writer's conference and my now ex was going to watch the kids, she asked me if he was okay with that. When I was chosen to go to a class at work, she said he should go because he worked in IT and I didn't. And what caused the final rift was when I told her John and I had separated and she asked how everyone else was, except me. She never once asked how I was feeling or if I was okay. It was all about everyone else. Then she had the audacity to say, "There's not going to be a divorce, is there?" It did not matter to her that I was crushed and devastated, all she cared about was everyone else's feelings and about social standing. That was a moment of truth for me and at that moment it felt as if a flashlight was illuminating my entire relationship with my mother and I realized how she had hurt me.
Cutting your mother out of my life was difficult because there was a part of me that felt guilty and as if maybe I was overreacting, but when she guilt tripped me on my 50th birthday and refused to even consider that my feelings might be valid, I realized I had made the right choice. However, knowing intellectually you've made the right choice and knowing in your heart you've made the right choice are two different things. There are so many moments in my life where I want a mom to be there for me and to listen to me and to help me figure things out, but I don't have that mother in my life. It hurts sometimes and there are times I Google estranged parents online to see if there is anything else I can do to heal the rift, but there's nothing. At the end of the day, if she refuses to acknowledge her part in the rift there is nothing I can do. I've also pondered if I could have a more superficial relationship with my mother, but I also know that that wouldn't work because anytime I told her she that a topic was off limits, she would pout. It still hurts, but I also know that I'm in a healthier place because she is not in my life.
I'm also working to apply the sword of truth to other people in my life and over the past week I've realized that I need to cut a friend out of my life who was my rock during my divorce. As I sat and listened to him complain about how people had teased him, I realized he was being a hypocrite and the teasing he'd endured was no worse than what he had dished out to me. The worst was when I fell and got a serious concussion. He told a coworker that I was drunk and wearing high heels when it happened. And when I protested, he said I was being too sensitive. As I look back at the incident, I realize I was in no way being too sensitive. It would have been one thing to say that to me in a teasing manner, but to say that to someone else was out of line. I reminded him of that and he chuckled as if it was no big deal. I realized that our friendship wasn't going to work any longer because I've grown and changed and I no longer accept disrespect in my life.
Visualize the toxic people who are holding you back and see the ribbons of energy that are attaching you to those people. Pull out your great big sword of truth or a big pair of shiny pruning sheers and virtually cut those energetic ties. Once you've got the times, take a moment to thank them for whatever lessons they've brought to your life and let them go. For some relationships, you may have to do this exercise multiple times, but eventually you will know that the cords have been cut.
May 29, 2022 Update
Wow! I had forgotten about how B. responded after I got my concussion. That was a total jackass thing to do and there is no way in hell I was too sensitive about how he behaved. He was being a jackass and there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. That was a horrible thing to do and to say. I deserve better than that.
|Ace of Air|
Dark Goddess Tarot
Book: The first step in discernment: Perceive what exists. Grants the knowledge of what is right and good. Enforcing the limits beyond one which one should not perceive.
Guidance: Apply objectivity to achieve clarity, mediate your ego, stay nimble, moderate your sacrifice.
I like the reminders in this card. It is more guidance to stay in the middle path. I also have to be objective. I know this who reorganization is nt about me at all, but my ego is feeling shuffled to the side so I'm a tad annoyed that I have to let go of my feelings. No! I don't need to let go, I need to acknowledge.
December 28, 2017
I have grown so much in the last year and I am so much better about not making it all about me. Okay, that's not exactly true, I do tend to make it all about me, but then I talk myself off the ledge and I see things more rationally. Watching yourself grow up is a pretty cool experience!
Book: Gift of the sword is intellect, powerful and dangerous words can heal or hurt
Guidance: Use the gift of thought well, to see the world clearly, to communicate well, be aware of having a sharp tongue
I love the meaning of this card and the reminder that logic can cut both ways. I can think my way into box when I only look at cold, hard facts. I have learned that to see the whole picture, I have to use both logic and emotion.
My brain tells me that it will never happen and that I should move on. My heart tells me a different story. My heart tells me it will happen and I need to continue to believe. For now, I'm going to continue to believe my heart.
November 20, 2017
The ace of swords cuts through bullshit. This is a great card to pull when life seems murky and there is a need to step back and review. This is also a great card to pull when you need to cut ties with someone.
November 8, 2018
Interesting read on this card as it is about using logic and about cutting ties. I'm finally at that place where I'm ready to cut ties. My feelings for him served a very useful purpose in my life, but I'm finally feeling strong enough to move on and be my own self. If I put as much love and energy into my life as i do into that pursuit, I will have a kick ass life.
Book: Be aware of having a sharp tongue, potential to be valiant and victorious, negative omen suggesting chaos and dysfunction, unfulfilled ambition, imbalance, thought disconnected from heart, not the time to face things
Guidance: Exercise wisdom when wielding power
What a wonderful card to have drawn today. it is a little scary to think of Trump in power, but this is where I have to act with both my head and my heart. I have to be smart and protect my assets and my kids, but I also have to function and do what's right and get involved in what matters to me. I have to give my life meaning by advocating for mental health and women's rights. My voice and time have to be spent protecting what matters.
July 5, 2019
I haven't done a lot of advocating or working toward change and I have to be honest and say that a big reason is that it feels useless. The people who believe what I believe are going to continue to believe what I believe and the ones who don't, do not seem to be inclined to change their minds. I have worked on turning inward and improving myself. One of the ways I believe that I can change the world is to not be so reactive and to be more measured in my response. I think when we all rush from thing to thing as trump lumbers through the world and if we are more measured and less reactive, the world will be more calm and we will get through this.
Book: Personal energy being scattered, anarchy within the seeker, hostile, negativity, unfulfilled ambition, poor judgement
Guidance: Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head
I feel like nothing I do matters for me. Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me. We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I'm still stuck in Chicago every week. All I want is to find love and be happy. I have to be honest and say that I'm thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn't seem to matter for me. I feel like just a vehicle for other people's happiness, but I'm not worthy of happiness myself.
Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that's hard when life sucks and you don't have the one thing that matters. I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with. I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me? Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough? I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me. I've fought so hard against needing someone, but I'm ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.
Goddess, please guide me to my love.
May 24, 2018
I wish that I could say that in the time since I've written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I've been working really hard not to lie to myself. There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely. However, I've been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways. That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don't like to be selfish. However, I'm starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing.
A big part of the reason, I'm able to start doing this is because I'm able to say F* you to my mother's voice in my head. I'm able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things. I deserve a car of my own. I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me. I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch. I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.
It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday. And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people. That is all so much BS. I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me. I am capable of doing all of those things by myself. That doesn't mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.
The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me. But what she added on actually made me feel good. She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding. That made me feel good
|Ace of Swords|
Book: Clarity, success, sharp focus, cut attachments that no longer serve us, instrument of change, new beginnings
Guidance: Be true to yourself
This week has truly been about the need to cut away and leave things that no longer serve me behind. Right now I'm feeling the need to pull away from a coworker who I don't feel is working in our client's best interests. It also makes me wonder if this is about cutting ties with people who were important, but who I've drifted away from.
December 23, 2017
It's interesting to reflect on this card today because I've been working hard to cut some cords that no longer serve me. I've realized that I need to cut cords with John and quit getting all swirly about what he does or does not do in his life. I've worked hard to let go of being judgmental and to let go of commenting on other people's decisions that don't affect me, but with him I continue to judge. I have to admit that there is a part of me that wants him to fail and have a miserable life because of how he abused me and hurt me. However, all that holding on to that anger does is keep me tied to him. I need to let go of that rope that is keeping me tied down because it truly no longer serves me.
I also need to let go of someone who was so instrumental in my healing, but who no longer has a true role to play in my life. I need to be grateful for the unconditional love he gave me and accept that our paths have diverged.
Oddly enough, I initially read this card as reversed as the butterfly is hanging upside down. To me this card reversed would be about cocooning and not being ready to go through a change. However, the card is actually upright and shows me blossoming and being ready to spread my wings and fly.
I think I'm finally in a place were I can really love. I can accept that I am worthy of love and worthy to be someone's partner.
December 25, 2017
Last year in a lot of ways was about laying the groundwork for being ready for love. It was about understanding what unconditional love is and what it isn't. Unconditional love is about loving someone in spite of their annoying habits and idiosyncrasies, but it is not about loving someone who is abusive. It is also not about sacrificing yourself on the altar of love. John demanded sacrifices that I wasn't willing or ready to give and his favorite line was, "Well if you loved me, you would.." However, that's not what love is. Love is not about forcing or guilting someone in to doing something. It is about giving and receiving love with an open heart.
Love doesn't mean that you have the right to demand someone sacrifice themselves for you. You can accept someone's sacrifice, but you cannot demand it. John constantly browbeat me and manipulated me under the pretense of love. I'm strong enough now to accept and realize that if he truly loved me, he would not have demanded the sacrifices he demanded.
I'm so proud of how much I have grown and matured in the past year because I am in a place where I understand what love is and I understand that it is okay to say no to someone you love and that it is okay to set boundaries with someone you love.