April 3, 2022
First Impressions: Sadness, stabbed in the back, in pain, desolate
Book: Painful endings, crisis, stabbed in the back, devastating loss, opportunity to find hope
Guidance: Give yourself space to heal from trauma
Space and time to heal is so important and I don't think we pay enough attention to that. We live in a 24/7 world where we just want to move on from everything and make things better right away, but it doesn't work like that. I remember when I was first separated and B. was telling me to get over it, but he had no idea of the depth of the damage to my soul. John's humiliation had broken me and I had no idea how to move on. the ironic part in hindsight is that I have always been strong enough to support myself and take care of myself, I just didn't know it.
The question I'm asking myself now is whether I am strong enough to let someone into my life. I feel like I still have so many barriers up and I honestly don't know whether I can let myself be vulnerable. It is so much easier and less complicated to just be my self and not worry about another person's wants or needs.
Where: I'm at home on a Sunday morning with the doggos
Weather: It snowed overnight. I wish it would just get to be spring already
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent, 5%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:03 am / 7:56 pm
First Impressions: Stabbed in the back
Book: Drowning in despair
Guidance: Rise above the victim mentality, trust the universe to support you
Today was a really rotten day as we were all emotionally prepped to go to trial and we found out that we're not going because of other trials. I feel as if Cam was totally stabbed in the back as if she was betrayed by the very justice system that swore to protect her. I know that in reality this was nothing personal and that is just out the overburdened court system works, but it still feels very very personal. It's almost as if the court system has no clue as to how difficult it is for crime victims and how dealing with delays just makes it worse.
The problem with where I'm at right now is that I am so stressed out and overwhelmed that I can't trust the universe to do the right thing and it is very hard to trust anyone
It has been almost two years since the prick that assaulted Cam was given probation and I still feel stabbed in the back by the justice system. I am realizing that rape is viewed as a women's crime and since women are devalued by the system as a whole, this crime is not given the punishments it deserves. I don't think the patriarchy realizes how intimate and cruel rape truly is because the assailant is in your very body. Men cannot understand that and therefore it is not viewed as horrendous as other crimes. My only consolation is that Cam is taking it well and is moving on. Personally, I still want the prick's head to go on a stake in the front yard. I wish that was still a thing.
I'm grateful I was home with Cam when we found out about the trial
I'm grateful that I didn't send the really nasty email
I'm grateful that we made up and didn't let this rupture us permanently
I'm grateful that I have Thursday and Friday off
Guidance: Come to terms with reality, surrender and welcome the opportunity to move on
Interesting card to reflect on today. It was an absolutely brutal week at work as it felt like everything that could go wrong did. Everyone seems to be fighting and nothing seems to be going right. We're struggling with the blueprint and don't have half the work done that we need to get done. In so many ways, it feels like a perfect shit storm, which is what Mercury Retrograde usually entails. To top it all off, I'm getting sick and it feels as if I'm never going to be able to breathe again. I feel as if I'm drowning in grief again, but I don't know why as nothing has occurred that I'm letting go of.
The message I'm getting loud and clear with this card even though it doesn't make perfect sense is to go inward and reflect upon where I am and what I want to do with my life. I've been living a very outward focused life lately and haven't made time to turn inward and to meditate and reflect on what is important to me. I've been focused on changing the world, but haven't spent time on me. I've been eating poorly, not exercising, and not spending time outdoors. I've let myself get caught up in the brain and not the spirit. That is my reality right now and it is time I let go of the pleasures of the brain and make time for the pleasures of the spirit. It is time to do something fun, to walk in nature, and to let the warm sun caress my face.
Surrender is such a hard word because on the surface it means giving up, but in reality it can mean giving up the burdens and giving up the things that we think are important to focus on the things that are really important. So the trick for me is figuring out what is really important versus what I think is important. I know that family is important, time for myself is important, but what isn't important? Work is important only in the sense that it pays the bills, but I can't let go of it until I have something else to pay the bills and I don't know what that is. I think I just have to pray and open myself up to listening to the answers.
Book: Failure, dead end choices, learning lessons the hard way, thinking things to death, situation is not as bad as it looks, people acting against seeker
Guidance: Trust, do not overthink, a new day will dawn
It actually wasn't that bad of day today. I let go of worrying about the future and all that was or was not going to happen and just trusted. I trusted that somehow it is all going to work out. One thing I have found is that working with tarot is that it really keeps me grounded din the present. The card a day stays with me and I focus on what I need to do today.
May 25, 2018 Revisit
Tarot does help keep me grounded and it is a reminder that there is a world outside of my little world. Going to the cemetery reminds me of the same thing as sometimes I get so caught up on what is happening in my world at this very moment that I forget that there is a great big world out there where what's going on in my world really doesn't matter.
The one thing about myself that I'm starting to realize is that there are times that I exhibit signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. I find myself feeling empty even when life is going really well and I get overly attached to people. I also find myself concerned about what other people are thinking about me and feeling as if I may be stabbed in the back. A lot of this is making it all about me and that is not healthy to me.
I have to work hard to keep myself from making inappropriate outbursts or flat out asking if I am going to be fired. I seem to have no sense of worth and if I am not constantly being praised, I am afraid people don't like me. This is not a good way to live and I'm realizing that the time in my life when I was not feeling like this was when I was in Al-Anon. When I was doing program work, I felt so much more centered and balanced
Book: Opportunity arises for liberation and change. The ultimate battle is with yourself. Work on the issue and find the courage to rise again. You will endure and persevere.
Guidance: Have the courage to love again. Trust that he loves you. Be open.
Hope is such a good thing and there are days it is in short supply because I get mired in all the details. For me, this card speaks to cares and worries falling away and about the weirdness being gone. Reversed this card is about opening up.
December 22, 2017
Interesting as I read this card over a year later, what I see is someone being impaled by the swords versus them falling away. I've quit reading reversals so if I was to read this card today, I would see it as the worst having been done. The nine of swords is about nightmares and in some ways this card is about the nightmare coming true. However, the one thing that I have learned in my life is that sometimes it is okay when the other shoe has dropped and you know for sure where you're at. For me, it is harder to deal with the uncertainty and the worry than with cold hard facts. With cold hard facts, you can come up with a plan to actually address what's going on.
I'm at a point in my life right now where I truly understand that fire and loss happen to make way for the new. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt or that it isn't hard to look at the devastation, but it means I need to start from scratch. I'm sure there are parts of my old life that I will always miss and love, but the earth has been prepped for new growth and it is time to move on.
December 29, 2017
This card makes me think of the poor people who have lost everything in the California fires. There is such devastation, but from a land perspective it has cleared away debris and given the land a chance to start from scratch. As I think through the times in my life when I have been down and faced loss, I'm realizing that I never really had to start from scratch as I always had my intelligence, the money I had in the bank, and relationships. I've always had some kind of foundation to start with. I don't know if everyone is that lucky or if there are some people who truly are starting over from scratch.