Saturday, April 2, 2022

Four of Pentacles

April 2, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Self contained, taking care of herself, channeling good thoughts

Book:  Stability, saving, success, accepting your worth

Guidance:   Put your energy in the right place


I love this reminder to put energy in the right place.  One of the things that I like the least about my job is that it is so filled with drama.  I am a drama llama at heart and working at this place brings up all those old feelings and love of gossip.  There is so much intrigue and BS.  It really is the most dysfunctional place that I have every worked.  I know the lesson for me is to let go of the drama and not feed into it, but I'm not sure how to do that when it surrounds me.  I do know that there are some places where it truly is the place and the only way to escape the drama is to leave.  I'm not in a position to do that yet so I have to figure out how to make this work for another year.

As I reflect a little more on this card, I realize that part of the message is to not put my energy into the drama.  I can put my energy into work.  I can remind myself that YMAN is an idiot and I can just let it all go.

Where:  I'm writing this a day late.  I was home all day yesterday working on school work.  Mostly just hanging out on the couch.  Sean and I did go to a Monsters Game last night and it was nice to get out and be around people.

Weather:  It was nice yesterday, but today it snowed :(

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 2%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:08 am / 7:53 pm


February 22, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Protecting what's mine, ignoring what's going on in the world

Book:  Stability, savings, success, being in flow with the universe, accepting your worth

Guidance:   Look at your finances and save some and give some


This was an interesting card to pull today as I received the notification that Sean's Sallie Mae loans are due and I'm contemplating the best way to handle them.  I know that he is actively looking for a job and that he is depressed about not having found one.  I also know that even though the trips make no logical sense, they give him something to look forward to and to get excited about and that's important for his mental health.  He's getting the ticket for free from his Southwest rewards and I'll see if I have any free rooms I can give him, it will be all right.

I also know that I need to trust that we will have enough.  We have always had enough before and there is no reason to think that we won't going forward.  I also know that I need to stop spending and that's a big reason I've stopped going anywhere except the grocery store.  The more that I avoid places where I can spend money, the less I will spend.  I have credit cards for disasters and I'm working on paying those off to get to zero balance.  It will all be all right.

Where I'm At:  I'm sitting on the couch contemplating going to work.  I took Wendy out and she's now lumbered upstairs to be with Sean.  I love quiet mornings in my messy house.  There is such a sense of peace and satisfaction in knowing I'm able to provide for myself and others.  It's hard and I don't really like having to work for the company I do, but I did all this myself.  And I am finally starting to trust that I will be able to provide for myself.

Mood:  I'm feeling peaceful this morning and at ease.  I got my homework done yesterday and I have a plan for getting the rest of it done.  Life is good.

Weather:   It's 47 and raining out, but it finally feels like a warm spring rain and not the cold icky winter rains that we've been having.  Maybe spring is finally coming.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 66%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:11 am/ 6:09 pm


January 6, 2022

Tarot of the Divine

Card Name:  Four of Coins

First Impressions:  Hiding, Safety, Protection

Book:  Hoarding, possession, financial stability, materialism, stinginess

Guidance:  Recognize the situation for what it is and make the necessary changes

One thing I have realized in journaling about the four of pentacles is that most people view hoarding as a bad thing and when taken to the extreme it can be, but there is healthy hoarding and taking care of what is yours.  There always has to be a balance between protecting resources and helping others.  I know that I am extra sensitive to this card because I was brought up in the "give till it hurts" school of thought and this is not a good way to live.  We always need to put on our own oxygen mask first.  However, then we need to share.  

This card is talking to me in several ways today.  The first is that I don't feel good and I need to guard my energy and not work myself until I drop.  I have a tendency to do that and that is not healthy for me.  The other message for this card is that I tend to guard the kids from real life as I want to make sure they can afford to move out and I try to protect them from hardship.  However, the reality is that they will eventually have to make their own way in the world and it is better for them to do that when I am still around to help them if they stumble then after I'm gone and there is no one to be there for them.
July 30, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First  Impressions:  Wanting to share, not sharing, getting credit for sharing

Book:  Honoring the life source that sustains, best insurance for survival is the community

Guidance:  Give with generosity, receive with gratitude, do not depend on what we own for a sense of security, reexamine your relationship with money and material possessions


This is an interesting card for me as it seems the people who share their wealth are happy while the hoarder is unhappy and looking with envy at those who give so freely.  The other lesson I'm getting from this is that true happiness does not come from money.  I already know that, but I feel so overwhelmed by bills and the need to pay them and get out of debt that I don't feel I have the wherewithal to step back financially and take a job that makes me happy.  However, I also know that I am learning lessons at my current job that I might not be able to learn anywhere else so I need to learn the lessons and trust that I am being guided toward my future.

I do know that I need to start building alternative streams of income to get my debt paid off and once that is done, I will have more flexibility in terms of salary.  I would love to volunteer at one of the hospitals as a chaplain, but I have absolutely no strength for that.  I'm really hoping that the allergy solution will help me feel better.  It is so horrible to wake up every morning and have no energy and have my face hurt so bad because my sinuses are swollen.

One of the other meanings of this card that wasn't covered in the LWB for the World Spirit Tarot was guarding your heart and this is something that I know that I do.  I am so terrified of getting hurt that I don't let very many people in.  It is really hard for me to be vulnerable and to let people in.  I'm getting better as I've been around people who have really proven themselves to be trust worthy, but it is still hard for me to trust.


I'm grateful we had Luke for 10 years
I'm grateful Stephanie helped me out
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the dinner we had
I'm grateful for my fun car
I'm grateful that I have money to pay my bills

March 26, 2018

 Rider Waite Smith

First Impressions:  Protecting parts of myself

Book:  Grasping and being insecure does not buy security, what would it take to find something that fulfilled you?

Guidance:  Look carefully at what you are clinging to and are you clinging in an unhealthy way?


I know that most people view this card as negative, but I view it as a reminder to conserve my energy and protect what's mine.  This can and does raise the question as to whether I'm clinging to something that doesn't work for me?  Am I holding on to things that I should let go of?  There is also a case of fear and potentially hanging on to something that is not right for me.  These are questions I need to reflect on.  I know I'm ready to let go of John and Charlene.  And as an aside I'm very proud of myself for calling her Charlene and not honoring her by calling her mom.  That is huge for me.

December 25, 2018 Revisit

For me, this has always been a card about protecting what is mine and it has always been more about emotional protection than about protecting wealth.  However, as I enter this year of vulnerability, I'm realizing that I need to open up and risk my heart getting broken.  That being said, I don't think that protecting my heart up until now was bad.  I think I needed to protect my heart because I was not strong enough and fierce enough to allow myself to be vulnerable.

I've learned that before I can be strong enough to be vulnerable and open myself up to love, I have to know that I am fierce and strong and courageous.  By knowing those things, I know that I am strong enough to protect myself if something goes wrong.  That is an amazing realization.

January 3, 2018

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Four of Earth

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card and the essence of the four of pentacles is captured with the Sphinx sitting on the golden towers. All seeing, guarding treasure

Book: How you define your life limits your life, you are asked to define and claim your life, life is about more than one possesses, it is about what one leaves behind.

Guidance:  Definitions work two ways, helping you understand reality and separating your perception from reality; find your own reality, define your own reality, honor what you have to work with.


I am intrigued by this card as the traditional four of earth (pentacles) is about being a miser and hoarding.  I'm wondering if the wisdom of this card is that if in hoarding wealth or knowledge it doesn't grow.  When we nurture our wisdom and money without hoarding it, they can grow and change and become something else.  I like the idea of redefining a position based on moving words around and challenging beliefs.  I am finding that as I choose to do affirmations and open my heart and mind to new ways of thinking, life starts to change.  It is also about being honest and being willing to ask for help and accept guidance

January 20, 2018 Revisit

It is amazing how making a deliberate decision to change our lives, then doing the magickal and physical work to make that happens really helps.  I'm choosing to let go of the past and doing affirmations and spells to make that happen.  I'm also making deliberate decisions to not put myself in situations that will suck me back int my longings and old behavior.  It's really hard, but every time I make a decision to not do something, to not visit Chicago, to not make a phone call, to not text, etc., I feel better about myself and that makes it easier to make the right decision the next time.

April 9, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Let go and quit hoarding

Book: Holding on to things you should let go of,.  Moving quickly through fear based changes

Guidance:  Fear solves nothing.  Think positively.  Let go of fear and open yourself to love.

Affirmation:  I let go of fear


this hits so close to home and ums up so much of what I've been feeling lately.  I have to let go of so much fear and blockage that is keeping me from love.  However, my body is releasing crap.  As much as I hate the physical releasing, I know that they are releasing a boatload of karmic and old family garbage.  Being here is kind of weird as it is making me face why I walked away from people who were in my life since I was born.  The truth of the matter is that I wasn't strong enough to deal with the questions and judgemntalism.  The people of my past thought my whole life was an open book and that they had the right to continually give me unsolicted advice.  I didn't deserve that and I never did.

I've always deserved people in my life who treat me as competent and capable.

May 14, 2017 Revisit

A part of me wonders if those relationships would be different because I've changed, but since those folks haven't and their going to just try to drag me back into the crap.

January 9, 2022 Revisit

One of the best lessons from program was that unsolicited advice or comments are not helpful.  Sitting in meetings and knowing that I could talk about what was truly bothering me without having to hear a bunch of garbage advice was priceless.  Maybe that is why Y at work bothers me so much as she is so bossy and full of unsolicted advice.  However, her bullshit is a good reminder to not give others unsolicited advice.

December 31, 2016

Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Open up, be generous

Book:  Letting go, sharing, releasing what has been hoarded

Guidance:  Open your heart, let go of all the anger


I love this image of the four of pentacles with all of the pentacles held over his heart.  To me the message from this card is to let go of all the hurt I'm holding there.  I'm still holding on to anger and hurt from childhood and it's time to let all of that go.  There is no value in holding on to those hurts.  I understand now how they'e negatively impacted me.

I need to hold on to all the lessons and let go of the pain and anger.  The same is true for my marriage.  I need to learn the lessons and let go.  There is nothing to be gained by holding on to the pain,

God and Goddess, Dearly Beloveds

Please help me to let go of the anger and pain I feel over incidents that happened so long ago.  Help me to let go of shame, anger, guilt and all of those emotions that have no place in my life today.  In place of these emotions, please help me to embrace loving kindness.  Help me to realize that all of these slights and pain were more about the person who inflicted them than about me.

Help me to open my heart to love and goodness .  Let me know that opening my heart to love and goodness does not mean putting up with abuse.


I'm realizing now how screwed up my idea of love, especially unconditional love is.  From my mother, I learned that loving someone meant letting them abuse you and walk all over you, but you still had to be there for  them.  I cannot remember how many times Grandma was horrid to her, and she kept going back for more.

I don't know why, but it is something we all do to a certain extent.  There is this hunger for and desire for family and we all have it.  We all want want families to love us even when they are incapable of unconditional love.

July 1, 2018 Revisit

I needed to hear this today and remember that we all want to be loved.  I'm also starting to have more compassion for my mother as I realize that all she wanted was the same unconditional love from her mother that I wanted.  Maybe she thought that she could get it by giving more and loving more.  Maybe she was like me when I first went to Al Anon and thought it could change me into someone that John would love.  Maybe she thought that if she kept going back eventually her mother would change and would love her.

Maybe all of what I've viewed as her being controlling and manipulative was about her trying to help me avoid some of the pain she faced.  I don't know the answer to any of that, but I do know that I can't live being half a person.  I have to be my full self and not go after my dreams and wants because of someone else.

October 5, 2016

Hanson Roberts Tarot

First Impressions:  The man is clearly hoarding his wealth and holding on to it so tightly that he has no room/capacity to pick up anything else.  By holding so tightly, he cannot embrace someone, enjoy a painting, or anything else.  It is almost as if his wealth is holding him prisoner.  This card is definitely someone who is holding his money and being stingy.

Book:  Building wealth, rootedness, using money to protect from feelings of inner loss, holding back, can be protective.

Guidance:  Hold back energy at work


I am so incredibly happy to be home.I'm still not positive of what the lessons of this card are.  On the one hand, I see the cautions against being a miser, but I also see the wisdom of not being completely open and giving.  There is nothing wrong with holding something back for ourselves.  As I say a lot, my life cannot just be for other people, there has to be something in it for me as well.

December 23, 2017 Revisit

This is a loaded card for me, especially lately.  One of my most hated lessons from my mother was that my life was all about everyone else.  Anytime I wanted to do something, she always asked how John or the kids felt about it.  I was supposed to give everything I had to other people until there was nothing left for me.  John continued this lesson because even though he was home all day with the kids and I worked, I was supposed to come home and clean house and cook dinner until I had nothing for me.  Because of the lessons I had learned from my mother, I accepted this and didn't push back.

I've learned a lot about balance over the last seven years and I've gotten a lot better of taking care of myself.  I no longer care if people call me selfish or think I'm making life all about me, I know that I need to take care of myself first.  If I do not take care of myself, there will be nothing left to give to anyone else.

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