April 21, 2022
Written retrospectively on April 24
First Impressions: walking through the fog, lighting the light for the universe, almost stepping off the edge of the earth, finding his way
Book: Retreat into self, seeking wisdom, philosophical / esoteric knowledge
Guidance: True Knowledge lasts indefinitely
One of the things I'm realizing is that I need to differentiate between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge for me is facts and figures, but wisdom is that deep bone knowing that is the truths of life. I have felt that the last few days I have been much more open to bone knowing as I'm going to call it. Writing my paper on abortion has been searing for me as I've had to feel emotions that are deeply uncomfortable. I've been feeling the trauma in my bones and it has been very uncomfortable, but I also know that I am gaining wisdom as I feel the pain,
My problem is that I really need to learn to let go of bullshit. The evil M is bullshit and I know that in a few years, I will have forgotten her face and her ugly voice. I just have to hold on and I will be rid of her. I just have to stop letting her into my head.
Where: I started the day in Trenton, MO and ended the day in Kansas City. It was a good day and we had some good discussions at work. However, the evil M had to pop up her ugly head and be rude. I really need to just let go of her and get our out of my head. I am going to do multiple 'Frank Meditations" so I kick her out of my head.
Weather: The day started off with fog. I hadn't seen fog in a while so it was pretty cool to see it swirling around the car. By the time I went to drive to KC, it was clear.
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 72
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:25 am / 8:00 PM
Note: Today is the last of my Tiamat musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet. This was an incredibly interesting way to read the cards and it gave me a lot more clarity than just a quick reading.
|Tarot de St. Croix|
Dark Goddess Question: What is the secret of the deep?
First Impressions: Magic, mystery, emerging from solitude
Book: Healer and wise woman, paring down on the outer world, being present in the moment, being self realized
Dark Goddess book: Honesty and truth, look beyond appearances
Guidance: Spend time alone and allow your inner wisdom to reveal itself
|Dark Goddess Tarot|
Dark Goddess Guidance: Trust the momentum of your soul's journey, seek out the still and sacred places
The secret of the deep can be found within your soul. The Hermit tells me that I will not find the answers I am seeking from other people or from outside satisfaction. I need to look within and find who I really am. This is telling because it has been a rough week having received a letter from Charlene, having dealt with an overload of work, and having realized that I can't get the PhD that I was looking for. I've realized that I really do spend a lot of time looking for outside validation and that there are times when it feels as if my soul is just empty. I'm realizing that when don't have a mother that shows you unconditional love, it is really hard to feel as if you are worthy or deserving of love. Deep down it feels as if no one can love me if my mother doesn't. My head knows that her inability to care for and love anyone was really about her and not about me in any way, shape, or form, but the little girl deep in my soul doesn't realize that and it makes it really hard to think other people would love me just for me.
I've done so much work on realizing that I am a kind and lovable person, but my mother is always able to plunge me back into that pit of hell where I feel unloved and as if the only thing that matters is what I can do for other people. She always made me feel as if I didn't matter for who I was, it was only what I could do for other people. She was and is so concerned about what other people think, that she can't accept that you don't have to make everyone happy with how you live your life. It's taken me so long to get to the point where I know that if I am not hurting myself or taking advantage of other people, I'm okay. I used to think that the standard was not hurting anyone else, but I've realized that there are a lot of times when we make choices to protect ourselves that hurt other people and that's okay. For instance, my decision not to talk to my mother hurts her a lot, but there is no way that I can have any kind of relationship with her because nothing I was comfortable with would be enough for her. That breaks my heart in a way, but it is better than having to deal with her constant put downs and judgement.