March 8, 2022
First Impressions: This card is beautiful and the intertwined hands with the energy flowing into the two cups make truly feel loved. It also makes me so sad because I've never had someone who just wanted to hold hands with me.
Book: Romantic partners, soulmates, connected hearts, passion, joyful connection
Guidance: Open yourself to love
I hate this card. I have been open to love and it has gotten me absolutely nowhere. I love my family and my dogs, but I want the real deal. I want someone to hold hands with and to love. It hurts that I don't have that in my life and it really makes me wonder what's wrong with me. What did I do in this life or a prior life that no one wants me? It really hurts to go through life unwanted and feel like no one will ever love you. I have worked hard to love myself and to be open and loving, but it feels like I am invisible and no one will ever love me. There are honest to goodness days when I wonder what the point of going on is.
Where I'm At: I pulled this card at the end of the day on the 8th, but it made me so sad that I didn't feel like journaling
Weather: It is cold and icky today. It's been raining and just not a beautiful day.
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent 32%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:50 am / 6:25 pm
First Impressions: Love, openness, trust
Book: Beginning of a new relationship or a new phase in an existing one, promise is made, friendship pledged, trust begins to grow
Guidance: Learn to love yourself to truly love another
I deliberately picked this card today because it made me think of dancing and the song "Dance with Someone Who Loves me." Cam and I were at Macy's today and that song came on and I danced with her and it was an amazing and joyous moment and it was such an affirmation to me that I don't have to be in a relationship to have people who love me in my life. I am surrounded by love and all I need to do is open my heart to receive it. I've spent the last 10 years closing my heart off because I am so afraid of being hurt and of making bad choices, but all closing my heart off does is hurt me. It means I am probably missing out on having amazing friends because I'm so afraid of being hurt.
Cam's assault also rattled my ability to trust, but I have to remind myself that there are bad people in this world and that trusting does not mean totally turning off my discernment. I have good instincts and have a good feel for people with good intentions and bad intentions. And when I am truly honest with myself, I knew that John was a bad proposition within a few weeks of getting married because he became mean and controlling and expected me to go out with his friends and do everything he wanted to do. However, Charlene had instilled in me the thought that I had to be with someone so I overrode my instincts to satisfy that desire. I'm a lot stronger now and I won't overrule my instincts for someone else again.
I'm also at a point in my life where I am truly starting to like who I am and accept that even though I'm not perfect, I'm pretty awesome just the way I am. That's a pretty cool feeling and is really helping me to love who I am instead of who I want to be. Like last night, I ordered too much food way too late and I'm feeling the effects of it, but instead of telling myself that I'm stupid, I'm just saying i shouldn't have done that and those are two very different messages. I'm done making value judgments on everything I do. I may do some stupid things, but that does not make me stupid.
A big part of the change in me I can attribute directly to the loving kindness meditation that I do every day. It helps remind myself to love myself and sends out love to the people in my life that I love and the people that are difficult. The most difficult part of the meditation is sending love out to the difficult
people in my life. I'm not at the point yet where those meditations flow off my tongue and there are days I really stumble over doing them, especially for Charlene, but I just keep saying it one day at a time and I'm getting there.
Begin practicing a loving kindness meditation every day
It was amazing to read this today and realize how far I have cone. This post showed so much growth and maturity compared to my other readings on the two of cups. One of the biggest ways I believe I have grown is that I've quit being so mean to myself. I've become able to unconditionally love myself. I give a lot of the credit for that to Wendy as she is truly my "doglaganger." She snores, she's stout, she can be a little clingy, but no matter what I love her to pieces and I think that when I started to realize that she has a lot of the same "bad" characteristics as I do and I still love her, I realized that I was loveable despite some of those negative characteristics.