Tuesday, October 18, 2022

Two of Wands

October 18, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: I love this card as she reminds me of the hermit 

Book:  Balance energy by tending to your own realm as well as caring about the larger picture.

Guidance:   Take care of yourself and you will change the world

Journaling:

I love this image of the two of wands because she reminds me of the hermit and of the wheel of fortune card from DruidCraft.  And while the two of wands for me has always been about contemplating my future, I love this take on the card which essentially states "As above, so below."  I need to take care of myself so that care can be reflected and impact the larger universe.  

This makes me think of my new job because I am being asked to collaborate more than at any other time in my career and collaboration is hard for me.  I tend to think that relying on others is a sign that I am weak.  However, what I am coming to realize is that this view of the world is a symptom of my trauma.  My trauma brain says that I can't rely on anyone else so I must do it myself.  However, people who grew up in healthy environments don't think that way.

Trauma has impacted my life in so many ways and I don't even know if I have identified all the ways it has adversely impacted me.  However, all I can do is to address each way as it comes up.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and just generally chilling and hanging out.  I worked hard today, then read about Santa Muerta.  Some of the material in my class has been super boring, but some of it is sort of interesting.

Weather:  It is cold, wet, and rainy out

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 43%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:40 / 6:42

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July 20, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess

First Impressions:  What is interesting to me about this card is that she is already past the wands and looking backward.  Normally this card has the person standing between the wands and looking forward.

Book:  Ceremony, harmony, joy, grounding

Guidance:   Be intentional now as the universe is listening and wants to help you manifest your desires

Journaling:

I love the idea that the universe is listening and wants to help me manifest my desires.  I want my PhD.  I don't care if people think it is for vanity reasons or anything else.  I want to do the research and get the degree.  I need the universe to help me manifest that and to put the right path in front of me.  I would really like to get it from WMU as I have contacts and know people there, but I don't know if that is possible.  I also know that I have to put up an altar, but I don't want to do that until I have my office clean and have a flat surface to put my altar on.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today.  Our MOR was today, but I chose to stay home and not go in because I had a meeting at 5 pm.  Brian hasn't mandated we come back to the office, but it sounds as if they are inching closer to that.

Weather:  The weather is really nice outside today.  The doggos and I sat outside while I had lunch

Moon Phase:  Last quarter, 51%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:08 / 8:56

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June 6, 2022


Deck:  
Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Looking forward, looking to the future, taking care of others

Book:  Choice, risk, vision, options

Guidance:  Look both ways before moving forward

Journaling:

Looking both ways is important when you decide to move forward.  However, I don't read this as looking left and right, but looking forward and backward.  It is about assessing if it is time to leave the current situation yet.  This is the position that I'm in right now.  There are a lot of reasons to leave the Bird, namely that I am miserable and I feel that this is the most toxic work environment that I have ever been in.  There is so much red tape and bureaucracy and even though the company says that it is all about the people, that isn't true.  People are not treated well at the bird.  We are all treated as if we are little cogs in a wheel and I don't like that feeling.  However, I also know that if I leave I am walking away from a lot of money and that is important too.  I think I need to just pray about it and turn it over again and again and again.  Eventually, the right solution will present itself

Where:  I'm in Peoria today.  I had multiple meetings today so I traveled yesterday so I could be in a hotel today for the meetings.  However, I also didn't have a fully packed day so I took some time for myself.

Weather:  It is ungodly hot and humid out.  I went out when I had to change hotels and it was absolutely miserable out.  I don't know how people do heat

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 39%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:27 am / 8:26 pm

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Written retrospectively on April 23

April 20, 2022


Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Not knowing what to do, lost.  I love the woman in his tie.

Book:  Choice, Risk, Balance, vision

Guidance:  Look both ways before moving forward

Journaling:

This is an interesting card and I'm not sure how to read look both ways before moving forward.  One of the things that always concerns me is the desire to overanalyze and spend too much time considering all things and all aspects of a problem.  However, maybe what this means is to just take one final check to make sure I've made the right decision before taking the plunge.  

I'm also reading this as a card of patience and of waiting until the right time to make a move.  I know that I will be leaving N sometime, but I'm not ready to leave yet because I want to get vested in my retirement.  That means I have to be patient and I have to take my time.  I also have to figure out how to survive the next year with the evil M.  I know she is the lesson I need to learn, but I'm not positive what that less on is.

Where: I'm in Trenton, MO.  It was a really good day at work, but I was so exhausted from the late night the previous day that I was asleep by 7 pm.  I also had one of those very realistic dreams that you know is sending you a message.  We were in a little country diner and it was when I was still married to John.  He was having lunch with what I thought was a friend and I had not seen him for a while as he was staying with someone else.  I was excited and came in and sat beside him.  He elbowed me off the bench and said something about not wanting to see my fat ass.  He was incredibly cruel (like he usually is) and made a comment to the person he was with about me being a piece of shit and not worthy of his time.  I was so embarrassed.

However, then the amazing part came in.  The waitress came over and asked if I was okay.  She also took me to the owner of the place out of sight of John.  The owner told me that his behavior wasn't okay and that she'd gotten a text from the person he was sitting with, who happened to be the sheriff, saying it wasn't okay and that she was to find out what I needed to be safe.  As soon as that happened, John would be kicked out of town and never allowed back in.  I was floored.  I told her that I couldn't leave the house because the mortgage was in my name, etc.  I was also afraid that even though he apparently didn't want me, that he would still hurt me because I was just a think to him.  She helped me find a realtor and a mortgage to get out of the house.  And helped me find a safe place to stay.  

The overall message was that I was worthy of love and that his behavior was unacceptable no matter what.  In some ways, this was retraumatizing because it reminded me of his cruelty and disrespect for me all over again, but it was also empowering and told me that I was worth of love and that help was all around me, all I had to do was ask.

Weather:   It was a very rainy and cold day

Moon Phase:  Waning, Gibbous 32

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:21 am / 8:03 pm

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January 29, 2022


Deck:  
Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions: Looking forward and backward, coming out of the see, being two faced, fancy and humble

Book: Decisions, travel, business opportunities, cooperation

Guidance:  Connect dreams with possibilities

Where I'm at:  Berkeley, CA Marina.  It's just about 7 am and I'm sitting in my hotel room with the window slightly open listening to the crows and other birds greet the morning.  When I look to the left out my window, I see the first hints of sky blue pink over the mountains and when I look to the right, I see the skyline of San Francisco.

Mood:  I'm happy and feel good.  I'm flying home today and while the thought of going home makes me exceedingly happy, the thought of going back to a couple of feet of snow, does not.

Weather:  It is beautiful and clear out.  It feels a little chilly as it is only 44 degrees out, but that is a huge contrast to the 12 degrees at home.

Journaling


Janus is holding a staff of wood representing looking backward and a staff with a crystal ball representing moving forward.  I find this interesting as there is an implication that the fancy staff is better and represents the future.  However, what I'm finding is that when we assume the fancy stuff in the future is better than the past, we may be wrong.  Progress is awesome and amazing, but there is something to be said for the simpler and more rustic past.  As I reflect on that, I know that I love my paycheck, but I wish that I could live a simpler life and not have all the bills hanging over my head.

I some ways, California is so emblematic of that as the state has grown so much that it cannot support all of its people.  I love coming here for the weather and the vibe, but I hate driving by the RVs parked on the sides of the streets and knowing that people live in them because that is all they can afford.  I also hate all the homeless encampments.  I hate them not because I think they are messy or dirty, but because each of those tents represents at least one person who cannot afford a home.  And I know that once you lose that grip on the house, falling farther down the economic ladder is almost inevitable.  I was thinking as I drove by one of those encampments last night that there are people who are flip and say that those folks should move, but that is such a statement of privilege as moving is expensive and if you can't afford a home, how can you afford to move somewhere where it is cheaper.

The other aspect of the past that we should carry into the future is being kind to one another and truly care about one another.  The world has gotten so divisive, at least from the rhetoric on TV that it seems that all we do is be mean to one another.  We don't take time to listen and help.  However, I also know that that is not necessarily true as when I was on the plane the other day, I did see people help one another with luggage etc.  Those are small helps, but maybe that is where we need to start.



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July 9, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Impressions:  Visionary, Fireworks, Following the star

Book:  First step toward your desire, standing at the door contemplating my future

Guidance:  Have confidence in yourself, do not doubt the light bulb going off in your head

Journaling

I needed to see this card today and be reminded that my future is there and that I need to trust the messages I'm getting.  The message I'm getting very clearly is that my future is changing the future of healthcare and figuring out how to combine the work I currently do, OCM,with my passion for spirituality, culture, and really making a difference.  I can see the path laid out in front of me at a high level, but figuring out the tactical steps of how to get there is a little bit maddening.  I know, I know, I just need to take one step at a time.  I need to get my masters while working on my PhD proposal, then figure out how to make it work.

The problem is that slogging through the shit is horrible.  I'm struggling at work right now because the consultants on my current project are total jackasses.  They act as if they know everything and if it is their role to be project managers.  However, I have faith that it will all work out in the end.  I just need to stand back and let things play out.  I also have to remind myself that everything I am doing and learning is leading me to where I am meant to be.  And part of that learning is about how to deal with people who have no faith and don't listen to me.  I'm sure that when I go into a medical setting, I will have people who doubt my abilities and act as if I don't have a brain in my head.  Oh wait, that's pretty much every doctor I've ever encountered.

Of course, after I write that the question I'm asking is why do I set myself up to do the hard stuff?  Why can't my path be easy?  I guess the answer to that is that no one who changes the world has an easy path.  I'm reading about the Buddha right now (and no I'm not comparing myself to the Buddha) and his path was not easy either.  He deliberately chose to leave wealth and privilege to experience the suffering of life.  However, as i write that, I wonder if he was trying to change the world or trying to change himself and those are two different things.  Maybe enlightenment is doing the hard things and letting go of the suffering.

Gratitudes

Being in synch with the team
Talking to Blaze
Finishing the SAP Info Session
Yummy fruit for dinner
Hanging with the team tonight

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April 11, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Waiting, patience

Book:  Holding the world in his hands, disappointed, waiting for news, courage, embarking on new endeavors

Guidance:  Set goals or you will fall into depression, situation requires patience, be careful how you use your status

Journaling:

The two of wands to me is a card of planning and waiting.  It says I have the world in my hand and I have to decide which course of action to take.  I feel that sometimes I feel like I'm looking out at my future and not knowing which direction to take.  Maybe I'm waiting because I haven't set my direction since I'm waiting for the world to come to me instead of setting course and going for it.  The problem is I'm not sure where to go.

December 29, 2018

Like all things, I needed to ask for help and for guidance to be directed.  I really feel like I was directed to this program at Western Michigan and that it is the next right thing for me.  I also know that there are going to be times when I am going to feel frustrated and overwhelmed, but that this is the right course and I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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December 28, 2017

Two of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Two of Fire

First Impressions:  I love this card because it is so more more engaged than the typical two of wands where the man is looking passively out at the ocean.  Hekate is truly engaged and actively looking at the path.

Book:  You don't need a path to find your way, she releases her powers in the three realms, walking the spirit walk between the worlds, seize the moment

Guidance:  When you hear a dog, think about the path you are on; when at a crossroads, move toward what you know to be true; take the first step, and it will lead you toward what you know to be true

Journaling:

I love this reading, especially about taking the next meaningful and appropriator action and then you will be provided with the next.  This reminds me of the cairns and the lesson that they taught me.

As I reflect, I realize that the lesson is really one of trust.  Walking to the first cairn, I had to trust that the next one would be there.  I suppose it is that way with the reset of my life as well, I have to trust that the next cairn will be there.  That's really really hard for me as I want the whole path laid out for me at once, but that's not how the world works.

I don't know what the next adventure that awaits me is, but all I need to know is what the next step is, so what is the net step?  Have I missed it by being stubborn?

Message from my guides

No my child, you haven't missed it.  You are right where you need to be.  Continue putting one foot in front of the other.  Continue to meditate and feel the peace all the way down to your belly.  Trust your heart, trust in love, trust in yourself

January 8, 2018

Even though every instinct in my body says it is time to move on from my job and it is time to leap, they are telling me very clearly to stay put.  I've always been the one who got dissatisfied and leaped rather than stay and work through the feelings of discomfort.  They are telling me that there are lessons to be learned in trust and perseverance.  They're telling me to sit with the discomfort instead of running from it.  I can find all sorts of ways to justify running, but they are telling me that none of them are valid.  The funny thing is that I stayed in my marriage way too long even though I knew it was time to leave but I would leave jobs at the drop of a hat.

The funny thing is that I have been better about not leaving jobs since John and I split up, but the instincts are often still there just like they are now.  I'm going to choose to trust them.

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April 23, 2017

Deck:  Herbal tarot

First Impressions:  Contemplating adventures

Book:  Genuine appreciation of status and accomplishments, Borders on conceit and aloofness, self confidence, self worth

Guidance:  Guard against complacency, ensure you maintain a spiritual perspective

Affirmation:  With self confidence and inner mastery, I move forward with my choices in life

Journaling

this is a wonderful card of new beginnings and I'm excited by what it foretells.  I know for me, I have to continue to open my heart.  I believe it will be an ongoing process for me.  It is not just necessarily one I'm looking forward to, but I recognize the work that needs to be done.  I have to continue to work on recovering.

April 28, 2018 revisit

It's been hard to appreciate my accomplishments.  It feels as if I get almost what I want and then the door closes.  I don't know what that means, but I've been very empty and lonely this week.
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December 11, 2016


Deck:  Gilded tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  What I love about this card is it is clearly about choices and choosing between two options.  I also love the deer standing in the path as it makes me think of my back yard.  Reversed this card tell me that I might be putting off decisions.

Book;  Follow your gut, do not tarry, make your move, acting on a decision, fear of poverty, boredom

Guidance:  Don't spoil things over boredom

Journaling:

I'm feeling so lost and lonely right now.  I want a simple life with someone who loves me.  The problem is that this is not a decision I can make.  I have to be passive and that's hard.

January 25, 2017

I've realized over the past year or so that I do not have to be passive in my search for love and I do not have to do the stupid online dating sites either.  My job is simply to open myself up for love by eliminating the things standing between me and love.  Those things include emotional clutter such as anger and resentment and physical clutter.  I'm working on letting go of the emotional baggage and taking steps to meet new people.  Those are very positive steps I can make.  I'm also working on forgiveness and letting go of the anger.  My anger can eat me up sometimes as I think John and my mother both screwed me up, but holding on to that anger serves no useful purpose.  I need to let go of the anger, learn the lessons, and move on.
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November 29, 2016

Gilded Tarot--Two of Wands
Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Keywords/Impressions:  Decisions, Choosing between two paths

Book:  Conscious of the future, waiting to make the best choice, inspiration and courage and not logic, tension between stability and mobility

Guidance:  Follow your gut and move forward bravely

Journaling

I'm not truly sure what to make of this card.  My logic tells me to walk away from F because he will never walk away from his situation.  But my heart says to wait, but waiting is freaking lonely.  However, I'm not really thrilled about the thought of expending energy to get to know anyone else.  It's taken me a long time to get to the point of being comfortable opening up emotionally to F. and trusting that he won't hurt me and I don't think I want to do the emotional work of getting to know and trust someone else.

Update 11/7/2017
Oddly enough, I'm comfortable being alone right now.  Although there are days when I'm lonely, I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin and that's a very good thing.  As I embark on this year of love, I also know that whatever is right for me will work out and I'm going forward with complete trust.

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