Sunday, October 9, 2022

Two of Cups

October 09, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  I love this card as it portrays the messages of love, friendship, and emotion.  Being underwater and seeing the bubbles and the lotus grow is awesome.

Book:  Two hearts linked together in love

Guidance:   Falling in love is precious

Journaling:

Love is such a funny thing.  And he problem is that it is so easy to mistake infatuation for love.  I truly thought that I loved John and maybe I did in the way I knew how to at the time.  I also think that he loved me in the way that he knew how to at the time.  However, we had both had bad examples of what love was so we were doing our best, but it wasn't enough.  And neither of us had good models of what healthy equality based love looked like.  The models that both of us had were a dominance version of love.  One person was dominant and the other subordinate and that was the only model we knew.  And neither of us was mature enough to have a discussion about it.  We had never seen other models of love so we were not capable of even conceiving of that type of love.  I also don't know if we were mature enough to take a step back and think about what we wanted in a relationship.

As I write this, I feel my anger at John melting away and it feels as if I understand that we were both not in the right place to be in that marriage.  I wasn't mature enough to understand the give and take necessary or to hold him accountable when he was being immature.  I was also so desperate to be loved that I wasn't able to do the right thing for myself and  my kids.  That doesn't mean I don't regret hurting my kids and modeling a bad relationship for them.  However, I also have to let go and remind myself that I've done the best job I could.

Where I'm At:  Cam and I drove over to Erie to go to the Beach Glass Festival.  It was super cool and there were so many beautiful things.  We chose to walk outside from the festival back to our car and it was wonderful to walk along the lake.  We drove over to Presque Isle and had a beautiful drive.  That is such an absolutely beautiful place.

Weather:  It was a gorgeous day.  There was a little bit of wind, but overall it was beautiful out

Moon Phase:  Full Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:30/6:56

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March 8, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  This card is beautiful and the intertwined hands with the energy flowing into the two cups make truly feel loved.  It also makes me so sad because I've never had someone who just wanted to hold hands with me.

Book:  Romantic partners, soulmates, connected hearts, passion, joyful connection

Guidance:   Open yourself to love

Journaling:

I hate this card.  I have been open to love and it has gotten me absolutely nowhere.  I love my family and my dogs, but I want the real deal.  I want someone to hold hands with and to love.  It hurts that I don't have that in my life and it really makes me wonder what's wrong with me.  What did I do in this life or a prior life that no one wants me?  It really hurts to go through life unwanted and feel like no one will ever love you.  I have worked hard to love myself and to be open and loving, but it feels like I am invisible and no one will ever love me.  There are honest to goodness days when I wonder what the point of going on is.

Where I'm At: I pulled this card at the end of the day on the 8th, but it made me so sad that I didn't feel like journaling

Weather:  It is cold and icky today.  It's been raining and just not a beautiful day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 32%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:50 am / 6:25 pm

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June 8, 2019


Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Love, openness, trust

Book:  Beginning of a new relationship or a new phase in an existing one, promise is made, friendship pledged, trust begins to grow

Guidance:  Learn to love yourself to truly love another

Journaling

I deliberately picked this card today because it made me think of dancing and the song "Dance with Someone Who Loves me."  Cam and I were at Macy's today and that song came on and I danced with her and it was an amazing and joyous moment and it was such an affirmation to me that I don't have to be in a relationship to have people who love me in my life.  I am surrounded by love and all I need to do is open my heart to receive it.  I've spent the last 10 years closing my heart off because I am so afraid of being hurt and of making bad choices, but all closing my heart off does is hurt me.  It means I am probably missing out on having amazing friends because I'm so afraid of being hurt.

Cam's assault also rattled my ability to trust, but I have to remind myself that there are bad people in this world and that trusting does not mean totally turning off my discernment.  I have good instincts and have a good feel for people with good intentions and bad intentions.  And when I am truly honest with myself, I knew that John was a bad proposition within a few weeks of getting married because he became mean and controlling and expected me to go out with his friends and do everything he wanted to do.  However, Charlene had instilled in me the thought that I had to be with someone so I overrode my instincts to satisfy that desire.  I'm a lot stronger now and I won't overrule my instincts for someone else again.

I'm also at a point in my life where I am truly starting to like who I am and accept that even though I'm not perfect, I'm pretty awesome just the way I am.  That's a pretty cool feeling and is really helping me to love who I am instead of who I want to be.  Like last night, I ordered too much food way too late and I'm feeling the effects of it, but instead of telling myself that I'm stupid, I'm just saying i shouldn't have done that and those are two very different messages.  I'm done making value judgments on everything I do.  I may do some stupid things, but that does not make me stupid.

A big part of the change in me I can attribute directly to the loving kindness meditation that I do every day.  It helps remind myself to love myself and sends out love to the people in my life that I love and the people that are difficult.  The most difficult part of the meditation is sending love out to the difficult


people in my life.  I'm not at the point yet where those meditations flow off my tongue and there are days I really stumble over doing them, especially for Charlene, but I just keep saying it one day at a time and I'm getting there.

Exercise:
Begin practicing a loving kindness meditation every day


January 8, 2022 Revisit


It was amazing to read this today and realize how far I have cone.  This post showed so much growth and maturity compared to my other readings on the two of cups.  One of the biggest ways I believe I have grown is that I've quit being so mean to myself.  I've become able to unconditionally love myself.  I give a lot of the credit for that to Wendy as she is truly my "doglaganger."  She snores, she's stout, she can be a little clingy, but no matter what I love her to pieces and I think that when I started to realize that she has a lot of the same "bad" characteristics as I do and I still love her, I realized that I was loveable despite some of those negative characteristics.

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November 12, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First impressions:  Heart Connection

Book:  Union creating a unique energy that is mystical and special, uniting opposing qualities

Guidance:  Faced with opportunity to partner with someone, honor the gift of the moment and enjoy it, enjoy the magic, do not let it engulf you

Journaling

The truth of the matter is that it is actually not unusual for my daughter to not answer the phone.  She rarely has the ringer on so it is always hit or miss whether she will answer.  I really just need to let go and trust that she's being held and is okay.  I know she needs rest but it's really hard not being home.  Sean will be there this afternoon, so all we can do is wait.

October 27, 2018 Revisit

On the surface, this does not sound like I am addressing the card, but at the moment I was so overwhelmed and scared because Cam had gone incommunicado.  However, this is about heart connection.  Cam and Sean are my heart and it hurts when I am afraid for them.  The good thing is that she was perfectly fine and was just sleeping late.

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October 24, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Traditional, Friendship, Love

Book: Balance, Dualism, Card of Soul Mates, promise of healing, completing, sharing

Guidance:  Cooperate, Work to Balance

Journaling

Although the book readings and traditional two of cups are about love and partnership, this card strikes me as lonely.  The woman is sitting in her tower with a bird for company.  The look on her face is sad and very bleak.  this card kind of sums up how lonely I feel lately.  I am very lonely and I feel like the good stuff is passing me by.  I feel like all I do is work.

May 25, 2018 Revisit

I'm realizing this card isn't lonely as much as showing a need to let people in and let ourselves be cared for by others even if those others don't appear to be what we're looking for.  I think the message from the universe is about having people and beings in our lives who recognize our pain and who are there for us when we need them  The little critters are there to cheer her up and to bring stardust into her life.  This card is about people who love you showing up for you.

When I look at the card i this context, I do have people who love me and who show up for me when I need them.  The kids are always there for me, Clark shows up and cuddles and makes me laugh.  People at work are supportive of what I'm trying to accomplish.  Even though I don't have the love of my life, I am loved and supported.

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June 2, 2016


Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  Two of Water, Reversed

First Impressions:  This is a card of unconditional love.  I love how she is hugging her dog, you can totally feel the love coming off of both of them.  As this card is reversed, it is talking to me of love withheld.

Journaling:

Again I'm getting a card about ending relationships and about co-dependency.  I know it is time to let go of a X and move on. He's pulled away and it is time for me to let go and accept that it isn't going to happen.  The sad thing is that I really miss his friendship.  I miss having someone in my life who knows me that well.

Even if there may be a time in the future when we are meant to be together, that time is not now.  Now is the time to open my heart to love and ask the universe for guidance as to what I want in a relationship.  It is time open my heart and manifest the relationship that is right for me.

It is also the time to let go of my anger at my mother.  She is who she is and I cannot change her.  I don't want to say she is incapable of learning and /or growing, but at the end of the day it is not my problem.  I have to accept her as she is and choose what our relationship looks like.  I tried to let her into my life on a limited basis and she chose to break that trust.  Maybe I need to look at this from a different perspective:  I chose to cut her out of my life because it was the best choice for me, just like John chose to walk away because it was the best choice for him.

December 29, 2017 Revisited

The end of my marriage still bothers me a lot and the farther away I get and the more able I am to put things into perspective, I realize that it doesn't bother me that it ended, it bothers me the way it ended and that John treated me with such disrespect.  He told the kids before me, he didn't help move out or settle the house, he expected me to just live there by myself.  However, as I told Cam about something else today, when people treat you like crap that is all about them!  It shows that he is a totally crappy person with no manners and he is not someone I need in my life.

The very best lesson I learned from my marriage is that I deserve respect and that if someone does not treat me with respect, they are not in my life for long.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

What's interesting is that I didn't realize I had pulled the two of cups reversed twice within about a week.  I love this card when it is upright as it shows the unconditional love we get from our pets and I know that Luke gave me so much unconditional love.  He was there for me when my world totally fell apart.  And Wendy is my heart dog, I know how much she loves me and she truly is always there for me.

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May 25, 2016


Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card:  Two of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Joyless, empty, hapiness is draining away, all alone

Book:  Deflated, joy is draining away, experience unrequited love, fair of sharing your heart with another

Journaling

This was dead on for me today.  I am afraid of sharing my heart with someone.  I'm also truly letting go of B and while it feels good and is the right thing to do, I still feel empty inside.  I feel deflated and as if I will never love again.  And when I am truly honest with myself, I also know deep down that there is a part of me that still hopes we will be together.  There is a part of me that wants the gods not now isead of no.  I think the hardest part is knowing in my heart he loves me, but that we won't be together.  It would be so much easier if I knew he didn't love me, but there is a part of me that believes he does and that makes it hard.

I'm also realizing that the me that was in the Condor's nest was the me that was in love with X.  He rescued me, but left me alone when he realized I was capable of protecting and taking care of myself.  If I am really and truly honest with myself, I know that any hope I had of a relationship with X ended when he called me a strong woman.  Strong women are not his type.  He loves damsels in distress and once I moved out of that box, I was no longer interesting.  Why is it that men do not like/appreciate strong women?  We threatened their preconceived views of gender roles because they have been brought up believing they need to protect women, but when they encounter women who don't need protecting, it threatens them.

It really and truly hurts that X has walked away.  I miss him on so many levels.  I miss him as my friend a lot, but in my I heart I knew it wouldn't work out.  I know we wouldn't end up together unless he changed and all inciates are that he is not really capable of changing.  I'm also realizing that I need to just let go and trust the universe as it has always provided for me and why wouldn't the universe provide now.  I need to work on work stuff and my classes.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

I realized as I reread this that X appreciated my strong qualities from a coworker perspective, but not as a woman.  John and he shared that quality as John could not stand strong women.  He always had to work to bring me down as he could not handle the fact that I was strong and I did not need to be rescued.


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