Wednesday, October 5, 2022

Five of Swords

 October 5, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  This card always makes me think of my marriage and how my kids were collateral damage to the rage that John and I threw at each other.  I'd like to place myself in the role of the woman on the card who is he protector, but I think I hurt them just as much as he did.

Book:  Be sensitive to others during conflict.  Give up power tripping and victimization

Guidance:   Be open to forgiveness and letting go

Journaling:

Forgiveness has always been something I have railed against.  I know that the purpose of forgiveness is not to let bad behavior go, but to cut the ties and move on.  However, the Scorpio in me always wants people to pay for hurting me.  I have always been able to let go of small slights and screwups, but I'm struggling to let go of the hurt that Charlene and John inflicted upon me.  They altered the trajectory of my entire life with their cruelty and disregard and I don't know how to let that go.  I don't know how to not hold on to that.  However, at the same time, I realize that holding on doesn't really serve me.  

I need to really dig in and work through Desmond Tutu's book on forgiveness and maybe I will be able to let go of the anger I still feel toward Charlene and John.

Where I'm At:  

Weather:  It is an absolutely perfect fall day out today.  The weather has just a tiny bit of chill in the air, but the sun is shining and it is gorgeous out.

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 September 1, 2022


Deck: 
 Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Five of Thunder

First Impressions:  Walking away, olive branch, starkness

Book:  It is okay to stop and take a different path.  I honor my being by listening

Guidance:   You are more supported than you know

Journaling:

This card is a reminder than I am supported and loved and that I have people who can help me and that it is okay to walk away.  It has been amazing that since I have quit so many people have told me how appreciated I am and what good work I've been doing.  I've also had people tell me that I got treated poorly.  Feeling supported and knowing that people understand and support me, really does matter.

It also helps me to realize that it really is okay to just walk away.  I have nothing left to prove to the bird and it is okay to walk away and not look back.  I don't need to prove B is an idiot.  I don't need to prove I'm smarter than him.  I don't need to prove anything.  I proved it all by leaving on my terms.  That's all I need to do is to walk away.

Where I'm At:  I'm still super sad and super angry today.  I really feel like I was forced out and that pisses me off.  I have done a lot of good work at the Bird, but because the SteerCo is a bunch of idiots, I'm out.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day today.  Not too hot out and clear.  I should have sat outside, but I was busy trying to get my new iPad to work.

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 26% 

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:51 / 8:00

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May 6, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  There is a parrot in the hills and faces in the man's clothes.  Walking away, secrets, smugness

Book:  Unprincipled victory, defeat, humiliation

Guidance:  Multiple voices are required for conflict

Journaling:

I have to be honest and say that the keywords describe how I feel today.  I have been fighting so hard for this project and I feel like T totally stabbed me in the back.  If it wasn't going to work, then he should have said something.  To continue to burn hours without having a conversation is irreprehensible and irresponsible.  I personally just think he is being pissy because we refused to have anyone on his team join the SteerCo.

However, I also know that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing.  Conflict can bring to light things that need to be brought to light.  I think the real crux of this problem is that I just don't give a rats ass anymore.  I am so ready to move on and not have to deal with all the bird drama.  However, I have one year left then I can walk away.

Where:  It was a rough day today.  We had the SteerCo and that was a total cluster.  I just feel so betrayed and as if this problem is a cluster.  However, what I am learning is that there is so much I cannot control.  I cannot control IT, I cannot control T, I cannot control the Evil M.  I can't control any of those things.  This is like a real world example of why I need the serenity prayer.

Weather:  It was rainy and cold this morning, but it warmed up in the afternoon

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 27%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:14/8:30

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------March 22, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:   Sadness, listening to the raven, topping the summit

Book:  Conflict, losing a challenge, opportunities to build skills

Guidance:   Winning isn't everything

Journaling:

I'm not sad today, just feeling overwhelmed and wondering what it all means.  Work has been super challenging this week as MEY has been a total pain in the ass.  He thinks he is in charge of the universe and is working against digital at every turn.  What I really dislike is that everyone is so negative at the place I work and there is so much infighting.  It feels as if we spend so much energy fighting with one another that there isn't an opportunity to move things forward.  I really and truly want to move on, but I need to spend 14 more months until I am vested, then I can start looking and figure out a new place to land.  I'm going to look at this as an opportunity to build my skills in patience and in navigating bullshit.

Where: I'm on the couch hanging out with Cam and the doggos.  I feel like garbage today as my sinus infection is bad.  I'd been feeling better yesterday, but I overdid it yesterday and I'm paying for it today in exhaustion.

Weather:  It is overcast and looks like it will rain today

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 79

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:26 am / 7:41 pm

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March 4, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Depression, messages from a crow, walking away, sadness

Book:  Conflict, losing a challenge, experiencing loss, opportunity to build your skills and experience

Guidance:   Maintain your integrity

Journaling:

This is an interesting card to draw after the battle with the evil M.  I won this battle because I didn't make it personal.  I didn't make it about her at all.  I stuck to the topic and made my points on merit.  I have no clue why she doesn't like me and I have no clue why she thinks she is all that.  However, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what she thinks.  I just need to maintain  my integrity and not make personal attacks on her.  That's hard for me, but I know I need to take the high road.

The other thing I need to do is let go of my need to feed my ego.  There are days when I feel that I will disappear if people are not giving me props and recognizing me.  I really need to learn to feed my own ego and to take care of my own self-esteem.  It is not about what everyone else thinks about me.  It really needs to be about what I think of myself.  I think the question I need to ask in my Trauma Tarot this week is about how trauma has effected my self-esteem.

Where I'm At: It was a good day as the evil M shut her ugly face during a meeting about something I'm responsible for.  She always has to be snotty and undercut me, but today the c*** just shut her mouth.  However, I'm not convinced she is permanently vanquished, but it does seem that my freezer spell is working.

Weather: We woke up to snow outside today

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:56 am / 6:20 pm

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 December 30, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Grief, Lonliness, where the hell is Nephthys?

Book:  Surrender, betrayal, bullying

Guidance:  Bullying has no place

Journaling:

This is an interesting card on so many levels and I think the first question is whether I am the bully or the defeated and the truth is that sometimes I play both roles.  Sometimes I let my fear and anger get the best of me and I strike out so that I am not abused.  The question for me is where did this behavior come from?  Did it come from my childhood or my marriage?  The roots were most likely in my childhood as I saw my mother continually be a door mat to her mother.  One of the saddest moments for me was when we were at the farm and my grandmother was getting things out of the car and my mother was talking to her and my grandmother ignored my mother and looked through her like she did not exist.  That broke my heart.  I know now that my grandmother was most likely mentally ill, but at the time I just saw it as painful.

It was in my marraige that I learned to fight truly dirty.  John would say the most hateful things and would dig things up from years ago and put an ugly twist on them.  He would attack the core of my being, then afrer the fight he would expect me to let it all go because he said it in the heat of anger.  However, the truth is some things can never be unsaid or unheard and he battered my self esteem.  Unfortunately, I also battered his self esteem as I learned to give as good as I got.  I said terrible things that I regret.  At the time, I thought it was weak to walk away from someone being cruel and I thought I had to stay in the fight at all costs, but I've come to realize that that is not true.  I could have walked outside, gone to the mall, or done a whole lot of things to deescalate the situation. 

I have worked hard to unlearn the bullying behavior that I learned and to deescalate by walking away.  I'm not always perfect about it with Sean and Cam, but I am better and our arguments are really arguments and not fights.  Usually, when I argue with one of the kids, we will say our piece, retreat, and one of us will come and apologize and we will talk it out.  We also stick to the facts and not past crimes or personality flaws.

For me, this card also speaks to overwhelming grief and taking care of one another.  Isis was laid low by the death of her husband and she cried tears of rage and grief; but she had her sister at her side to hold her and comfort her.  Nephthys has always been there to hold and comfort me.  She is my primary Goddess and she stands by Isis' side as she mourns her beloved.  

I'm realizing as I look at this card that Nephthys is and always has been my calling.  She is the Goddess of Mourning and I'm feeling my calling more and more is to work with those who are grieving.  It will be interesting to see what happens next.

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October 8, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Protecting someone, nastiness

Book:  Boy becomes a pawn in a much bigger game

Guidance:  Be sensitive to others during conflict

Journaling

This card is so true today, but Sean is a grownup and I cannot protect him from his crappy father who takes so much advantage of him and who acts like he is super dad.  The jackass actually wrote me today and said he was just getting Sean a gift card and not engaging in my petty drama.  He doesn't get how he caused the situation with his horrible behavior, by taking advantage of Sean's sweet heart, and using him.  However, I also have to own my share of the drama and I do behave like a baby.  I need to just stay out of Sean's relationship with his dad.  He is starting to see the light about what a stinkhole (Clark's words) he is, but the more I throw a fit and remind Sean how horrible he is, the more I push Sean away.

It is so hard because John is the most abusive person I've ever met and he plays head games to guilt people into doing what he wants and taking care of him.  He has never wanted to work for a living and he truly believes that the world owes him a living.  However, there is nothing that I can do about him except refuse to play his games and refuse to get sucked into his drama.  I was so proud of myself for not responding and just deleting the emails.  I have learned that sometimes the only thing you can do when someone is pushing your buttons is to not respond and to not let them know they've gotten under your skin.

It's been a hard week for me as last week I got Charlene's letter and now I hear from John.  I'm not sure what is going on, but I just need to let go and let god and trust that it is all going to work out.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good sessions

I'm grateful for the support from T & J

I'm grateful for a good call with M.

I'm grateful for the yummy dinner

I'm grateful for the peaceful evening

I'm grateful for not responding to jacka**

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June 9, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Vanquishing the enemy, pounding someone into the cement, victory at all costs

Book:  Hopes have been shattered, ambitions crushed, vulnerabilities exploited by others, pain can be a catalyst for growth,

Guidance:  Ask yourself how you got here, search for the lessons

Journaling

My guides called me to commit to my job, to the World Spirit Tarot, and to myself.  They can be harsh taskmasters as they are reminding me that this commitment does not only mean sharing the good things I learn about myself, it also means committing to sharing the things that put me in a negative light.  The things that reveal my pettiness and my imperfections.  The things I would rather hide than let see the light of day.  However, I have been on this journey long enough to know that the only way to move forward is to be unflinchingly honest with myself and with others so that others might learn and grow from my foibles and mistakes.

I asked my son about his father last night and he told me that I was obsessed.  Needless to say I took umbrage with that, but I realized today that there is a kernel of truth in that statement as I am obsessed with seeing him fail.  He hurt me so badly that I want to crush him under a stiletto heel until he begs for mercy.  In short, I want to be the victor in the Five of Swords.  Although the World Spirit Five of Swords does not show the victor as smug as some other versions do, there is the same sense there of vanquishing the enemy and leaving no room for compromise.  It is showing no mercy, it is crushing his bones and sucking out the marrow.  And deep in my heart of hearts, that's what I want to do.  I have no mercy for him because he showed me none.  I know all about his hard childhood, but I don't care.  He hurt me and I want to destroy him.

Today I realized that I feel like he out "bad assed" me and I don't like it one bit.  I picked up and moved with my kids, but I had a steady job, the kids helped me move, I had a driver's license, etc.  He picked up and moved by himself to a place he'd never been before and with no driver's license.  We thought he was crazy, but he managed to buy a house and get his license and he seems to be making a go of it.  And when I am truly honest with myself, that bugs the hell out of me.  I'm supposed to be the most bad ass one around and he did something way harder and it bugs me.  I know that there is enough good stuff to go around, but my petty little mind does think there is enough badassery to go around it bugs me that he got a piece of it.

One of the best lessons I learned in Al Anon was the "3 A's" which are awareness, acceptance, and action.  I've become aware of my tendency to want to crush John and I'm working toward accepting and owning this behavior.  The next step will be determining what action to take.  I will continue doing my loving kindness meditation for John, but I don't know what other actions I'll take and that's okay as sometimes you just need to sit with something until the next cairn appears.

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November 16, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Gloating

Book:  Warrior stands victorious, Cost of Winning was not worth it

Guidance:  Determine what was lost and what was gained.  Was it worth it?  More conciliatory approach

Journaling

Interesting reading on this card.  For me this read is about winning at all costs.  I love to be right and it sometimes leads me down bad path.  My gloating over losing Hood because we chose not to include OCM in the proposal was not good.  I need to accept that the person who chose that was an idiot.

November 20, 2017 Revisit

It's nice to be able to remind myself to take a step back.  I've become so much better at self regulation.

October 30, 2018 Revisit

This is still something that I need to work on.  I've realized that one of the things I really need to work on is letting go of both winning and losing.  Gloating isn't good, but moping when I lose isn't good either.  I think that kids who participate in sports have an easier time of this because you need to shake it off and move to the next thing.  I was thinking about this when I was watching a hockey game with the kids.  If the other team gets a goal, you can't sit and mope over it.  You have to shake it off or you will never recover.

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April 10, 2017


Deck:  Herbal Tarot


First Impressions:  Surrender, walking away

Book:  Empty victory, dejected and despondent, see the sun as optimistic

Guidance:  Acknowledge lessons learned, love yourself and others.  Be grateful for the lessons learned

Affirmation:  I learn the lessons of the past

Journaling

I embrace the lessons of the past without getting bogged down in the details.  I've been hurt by people in the past, but that doesn't mean I get to hurt others.  It really bothers me that my mother  Charlene is still salking my family.  I'm just glad that Sean is smart enough to not friend her.  Hopefully having her permantly on the request list will keep her inappropriate behavior at bay.  I mean honestly, how stupid is it to have a personal conversation in public.

April 16, 2016 Revisit

It doesn't matter.  Her posting stupid shit is about her and not me.

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October 29, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions: Burdens falling away

Book:  Ending a toxic situation, Contrition, walking away and accepting a minor defeat, work through your emotions

Guidance:  Feel your feelings of loss, bury the hatchet

Journaling

I've spent some time reflecting on this card and I'm still not sure how to read it.  One possible reading is that I am taking responsibility for where I am in life and that means doing the right thing and that I am facing things head on versus running from them.  The other potential reading that struck me is that I m ending a toxic situation and that's true.  I'm choosing to move forward and live my life instead of waiting for what might never happen.

May 25, 2018 Revisit

Interesting that I pulled this card shortly before my 50th birthday when the final ending of the toxic situation came about.  Although there is a small part of me that keeps thinking (wishing) that things would /could be different with the bitch, I know that that will never happen.  For one thing, I have accepted that she can never be the mother than anyone deserves.  I've also accepted that all the bullshit she spews is about her and not about me.  That's so important for me to know, because I always tend to blame myself and assume that I did something wrong.  However, in this instance, I didn't do anything wrong.  She was, and is, incapable of being a mother and incapable of taking responsibility for her actions.

This situation has been mirrored at work lately with someone who is incapable of taking ownership of anything.  I did my best and then some to help him, but he continued to be/act clueless.  At the end of the day, there is nothing I can do to help someone like that and he needs to own his actions.  That's hard for me though because I am a compassionate person and because I don't want to be blamed for things not going well.  I guess at the end of the day, I have to take the risk of things not going well because I cannot do it all.

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October 7, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:  The warrior in this card is looking straight ahead.  He seems neither defeated nor smug, he just is.  The people in the background look as if they are looking for mercy.  Although the grass is green, the trees are leafless.  Looking at the people in the back, I see defeat and exhaustion.

Book:  Defeat, blame, unfair advantages, spitefulness, using more force than required, energy/power imbalance

Guidance:  Be gracious, do not exclude, do not bully, let go, do not be an energy vampire

Journaling

This card was so where I was at today.  Meg continues to work to sell me to Gateway even though I've told her the deliverables will be done, but she keeps demanding that I give her additional deliverables.  I'm not sure how else to say the work is done.  I'm just ready to be done with this project and being in Chicago is totally stressing me out.  I do not know how to say I do not want to be here and keep my job.

What I really want is to be in someone's arms and to be loved, but in order to do that I have to have more stability in my life.

December 23, 2017 Revisit

It's interesting to look back at where I was over a year ago.  I think what truly annoyed me about the situation a year ago is that I wanted to be in the SAP space and do OCM on SAP projects, but I kept getting blocked from doing that.  Meg and Jessica wanted to keep me at Gateway.  Maybe I need to just be grateful that I had a job at that point in time and that I was employed.

I'm also realizing that it wasn't the job that was getting to me, it was being in Chicago.  Since I have made the decision to quit living with one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland, I'm much happier.  I'm being forced to create and define a life here instead of running back to Chicago to be nurtured and nourished.  It is also helping me to cut unhealthy ties as it is way easier to not be all swirly about John and what he's doing and to not be so tied to someone who isn't right for me no matter how much I want him to be.

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May 12, 2016


Deck: 
 Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Five of Air pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Control issues, no clear leader, too many chiefs, not enough space /territory, inability to resolve conflict peacefully, trapped by convention, herd mentality

Book:  Being involved in a tug of war, investigation of negative words and habits, lost in negative self talk

Journaling

Very interesting card to come up today as it is about turf.  That this card came up with Corie as she is being asked to do things that are OCM and that is really my area of expertise.  I'm feeling as if I don't know where my place is and I am struggling.  I've also been opening old doors and I'm realizing that it may be time to close the doors to the past completely.  I need to let go of X and I have to close that door.  I keep leaving it open, but he isn't right for me unless he has grown and evolved.  I'm not the same lost sheep I was and I don't know if he can accept who I am.-


n Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 77%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:26/7:02

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