Monday, October 10, 2022

Eight of Cups

October 10, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  I love this card as it reminds me of my trip to the Grand Canyon with Sean.  We weren't able to hike down there, but I had seen this card so I knew what was in the canyon and jut knowing it was there was awesome.  

Book:  Emotional strength is not about overcoming our feelings but instead immersing ourselves in them until we can release them and move with the flow. 

Guidance:   All feelings are good feelings

Journaling:

I love this reminder to immerse myself in my feelings.  I have spent all too much of my life running away from my feelings and being afraid of what I've been feeling.  I've even been afraid of good feelings as they can also be overwhelming.  However, what I have realized is that not feeling and holding people at bay is no way to live.  There are days when it is so hard to completely and fully love Wendy because I know that there will come a day when she will no longer be with me and the more I love her, the more pain I will feel.  However, there is so much joy in snuggling with her and being there for her and with her that I don't want to miss any of that joy.  And loving her is an act of love as she deserves to be wholeheartedly loved for who she is.  And she is also helping me to see that I deserve that too.

Where I'm At:  I spent the day driving from home to Allentown.  It was an absolutely beautiful drive as the trees were all different shades of red and yellow.

Weather:  The weather was absolutely amazing out.  It was not too cold or too hot and it was so clear.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 100%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:06 / 6:31

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September 8, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as she is actively drinking out of a cup as she heads off into the sunset.  While most eight of cups cards give the impression that the figure is walking away from something, this one definately gives the impression she is walking toward something.

Book:  I fully honor my worth.  I am powerful and ready for change.

Guidance:   I am worthy of health and happiness

Journaling:  

I absolutely love the message on this card and it is perfect for today as I walk away from a nasty situation.  I keep asking myself if I caused this situation and the answer is no.  I did what I was supposed to do and it is not my fault that the leadership team failed.  They failed so many ways and so many times it is almost funny.  However, I do know that Brian got his ass handed to him by the TPLT.  I also know that his karma is not responsibility.  I fulfilled my responsibility by speaking my truth.  What happens to him now is up to the universe.  I also know that the universe really does take care of situations.

My only responsibility now is to walk off into my own sunset and my own happiness.  I don't know what my long term path is, but I do know that I have to walk my own path.  And I have to stop spending so much time worrying about everyone else's path.  I also have to step back and put things into perspective.  In the long term, this bullshit with the computer is not a big deal.  PPL is not going to hold me responsible and the thing is that they should have sent it sooner.  However, there is nothing I can do about that either so I'm just going to let go and do what I need to do today and trust that it is all going to be okay.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today finishing up my last bit of work.  It is sort of bittersweet a there is a lot of things I've enjoyed at The Nest, but I won't stay while Asshole Brian actively humiliates me.  Homey don't need this garbage.  However, on a positive front, I had a ls

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out today, but i didn't get to enjoy it because I had so much to do.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 95%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:58 / 7:49

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June 19th, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Goddess

First Impressions:  Cups sharing energy, walking away, full moon, sadness

Book:  Transition, disappointment, letting go, space, rest

Guidance:   Take a break and breathe

Journaling:

I have received so many messages lately about taking a break and figuring out what's next.  I love that message and it is so what I need right now.  I don't like my current job, but I have enough money to pay my bills and I'm not working a million hours.  The other thing that is interesting right now is that I have a lot of time for my self as the kids are both working nights.  I have time to read, to play, and to figure out what I want in life.  That's a good feeling and I know that for me in order to figure out what's next, I need to clear away all the emotional and physical clutter.  I'm starting with the physical clutter as getting rid of that will help me to get rid of the emotional clutter.

I actually saw Yemaya last night for the first time in ages and it was so comforting.  She told me that she still loves me and that it is not the clutter keeping me from her, but my fear that the clutter was keeping me from her.  She also reminded me that no one woke up in a disgusting house and that no one woke up a hoarder.  It was saving one magazine, then a few more, etc. etc.  She said that I need to clean on a regular basis so that my house doesn't become a hoarder's house.  I can't necessarily do anything about Sean, but I can keep taking small steps to keep the house clean.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and it is so nice out.  I've got the windows open and turned off the air.  I'm sitting in front of the new window and it is so awesome to have the window open and feel the cool air

Weather:  It is absolutely a perfect summer day.  It is just about 70 and there is a nice breeze.

Moon Phase:  Waning gibbous, 68%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:50/ 9:04

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June 7, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Symmetry, watching the moon, mountains, 

Book:  Ending, moving on, journey, transition

Guidance:   Nothing is truly lost, only transformed

Journaling:

This is an interesting card as it makes me think of turning my back on things and walking away.  What I'm realizing about endings is that they are not always clear cut.  They are sometimes a little fuzzy like the ending of my friendship with B.  I love that guy and he helped me tremendously.  However, he made a comment once that eventually we would drift apart and I didn't believe him because I thought we'd always have something between us.  However, I realize now that he made that comment because he knew himself.  He knew that he was bad about maintaining friendships so what he was really saying is that I'm bad about maintaining friendships so eventually you will either have to do all the work or our friendship will be over.

And he was right because eventually there came a point where I grew tired of doing all the emotional labor to maintain the friendship.  I grew tired of always having to make the phone calls, always having to plan the lunch dates, always having to be the one that texts.  I find it interesting because he always complained about his friendships ending and other people not reaching out, but he never reaches out and I  know that he never reached out to other people.  He just led the friendships drift away.  There is a part of me that is sad that our friendship died, but I'm going to be grateful for what we had, be grateful for the fact he was there for me when I really needed a friend and just let go.

Weather:  It is hot and gross out.  I'm glad I'm in the factory today because it is just disgusting out there.  

Moon Phase:  First Quarter

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:27 /8:27

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May 4, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Asian, Moon and Sun, Watching the waves

Book:  Ending, moving on, journey, transition

Guidance: Nothing is truly lost, only transformed

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull as I'm in Chicago and there is a big part of me feeling the tug back to old places.  I didn't even reach out to Blaze or Scott while I was there and I deliberately didn't post pictures on Facebook because I didn't want anyone to ask why I hadn't reached out.  I love the city, but it's not home anymore.  I didn't even want to drive to any of my old stomping grounds.  I didn't drive through Bridgeport.  I didn't drive up Michigan Ave.  I just didn't feel like it.  I guess the truth is that I know that part of my life is behind me.

Where:  I'm in Chicago.  It was a long day today as I had a lot of meetings and had to be "on" this morning at the plant.  I came back to my hotel, worked a little on work instructions and went to bed early.

Weather:  It was chilly, but not cold.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 12

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:40 am / 7:53 pm

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September 10, 2019


First Impressions:  Let the situation flow, don't try to control things


Book: Feel your feelings

Guidance:  Immerse yourself in your feelings until you can feel them

Journaling

Actually feeling your feelings is something that I learned when I was in Al-Anon as until that time I had ignored my feelings because it was too painful and scary to actually acknowledge what I was feeling.  I also know that during my marriage everything was rage as I was so angry all the time.  I didn't realize that I was actually feeling sadness, grief, fear, and a host of other emotions until I was out of the situation.  It was when I started going to Al-Anon and hearing people talk about feeling their feelings that I realized that ignoring my feelings only meant that I was constantly feeling rage and anger because I was afraid of the "weaker" emotions like grief, sadness, and fear.  In some ways, it was just easier to puff myself up with anger than to acknowledge that I was afraid my marriage would not last, that I was feeling shame over who I was, and that I was grieving the perfect life I thought I was going to have.  Anger also allowed me to avoid responsibility for my life as I could say that everyone else made me angry without looking at what I was responsible for.

I remember sitting on the steps of the Pabst Mansion in Milwaukee crying as I started to feel sadness, grief, and other emotions for what might have been the first time.  They were still painful and uncomfortable, but actually feeling the real emotions instead of just anger let me process them and by acknowledging them, I was able to work through why I was feeling what I was feeling.  That day was a big step in my healing and it helped me to understand what people meant when they said I needed to feel my feelings.  This card reminds me that I need to feel what I'm feeling without being judgmental and beating myself up for whatever I'm feeling.  It's okay to feel shame, it's okay to feel fear, and it is okay to feel grief.  What I've found is that sitting with my feelings and really identifying them does help me to work through them.  Writing them out or sharing them with honest statements that say "I feel..." are also very liberating.

Sitting with your feelings is incredibly hard, but when you learn to do it, it really does make your life better.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the time spent working on school work
I'm grateful for the good meeting on Continuum
I'm grateful for the yummy leftovers
I'm grateful for the fresh watermelon
I'm grateful for the warm weather
I'm grateful for the good PMO meeting

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July 16, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Saying f* it and walking away, being fed up

Book: Questing, life dragging us down, weary to the bone, empty vessels drained of our enthusiasm, heart's yearning for deeper meaning

Guidance:  Begin a spiritual quest, take time alone, be more present with your inner life

Journaling

This card just reminded me of where I'm at today as I just want to say F* it and walk away from this stupid project.  Nobody is getting along and we're not getting anything done.  I truly due feel as if life is dragging me down and I am weary to the bone.  However, the reality of it is that I can choose to take it personally or I can choose to let it roll off my back.  I do not have to own any of the drama that is going on.  I can just choose to let it all slide off my back. Managing the consultants is not my job, but when I choose to take ownership of it, I am the one that suffers because I get all swirly and I get caught up in the drama.  My project manager needs to own the situation and she needs to step up to the plate and kick butt. 

I just need to focus on what I need to get done and expend my energy on the things that I am responsible for.  That includes capturing all the changes that Gartner created and getting them input into SharePoint and on to the Org Impact Analysis.  That is what I am responsible for.  I'm not responsible for what the functional team does or does not due.  I am only responsible for my own little corner of the world and the sooner I remind myself of that, the better I will feel.  I just need to focus on my stuff.

In my personal life, I'm doing a much better job of that and of not getting so caught up and swirly about all the stuff that is going on.  I read an amazing book about the Sabbath over the weekend and it put it into context for me.  it was a good reminder that the Sabbath is supposed to be a time out of time.  It is all about setting aside one day to just be.  To just think, pray, enjoy, and be.  It is about letting go of work for a period of time and just being.  I was actually able to do that this weekend and it felt really good.

Gratitudes
Phone charger fixed my issue
Yummy Poke for dinner
Wendy & Clark had a good day with the kids
Snuggles from Wendy this morning
Skyping with Cam
Flight was on time

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September 2, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Sedna, Eight of Water

First Impressions:  Sedna is always a goddess of deep despair for me based on her story.  She is a powerful goddess who withholds animals from the Inuit unless they confess their taboos and appease her.  She always strikes me as cold and unfeeling as if the trauma that her father put her through (cutting off her fingers) left her permanently devoid of compassion.

Book:  Going deep is not an easy task, let it be worthwhile.  Sedna reigns in the deep dark oceans, past the place of final breath.  Sedna was betrayed by one who loved her, one she trusted, and one who was responsible to care for her.  When she is treated with respect, she will release the animals from the deep and allow her people to partake of the bounty of the sea.

Guidance:  Sedna's guidance tells us to care for the child who has been betrayed.  She also tells us to look at old wounds we may have below the surface and to understand the links between those woulds and our woulds.

Journaling:

Wow!  This is powerful stuff and it sums up a lot of where I'm at.  I've been betrayed and sold out by people who were supposed to love and cherish me and it hurts a lot.


Luke
February 14, 2004 to July 21, 20117
RIP
I've been feeling Sedna lately as I feel the despair and the betrayal.  It feels as if I'm swimming in a deep soup of emotions and I'm scared to let go because I'm scared I will drown in these painful emotions.  I'm scared of truly feeling my grief for Luke because I'm scared that once I let the sorrow flow out, I won't be able to turn it back off.  I'm scared to go back to the deep dark place that I was after John left.  I thought I would never be able to come out of the darkness.

Message from Sedna:

There is a difference, Raine.  Your' grief for Luke is pure and unadulterated by anger or a sense of betrayal!  Luke loved you with everything he had.  There were no games or using.  It was pure unadulterated love.  You can't say that with John as there were always games.

December 18, 2017

Dear Sedna,

Thank you for the reminder that Luke's love was pure and unadulterated.  I've been feeling disloyal to Luke because I've been fallling in love with Clark because he is so cute and energetic.  I'm realizing that loving Clark doesn't dishonor Luke.  It is about opening my heart and there is room in my heart for both of them.

December 27, 2017 Review

Wow!  This was amazingly powerful!  I've been feeling a lot of grief right now.  This time of year is hard for me as all of the drama I've been through and the body memories from all the painful stuff that has happened in November and December.  I think a lot of what I'm feeling comes down to grief and learning to grieve well.  I'm realizing that it is okay to feel my feelings and that I don't have to stuff them. If I am honest and feel my feelings when I feel them, they do not become so scary and overwhelming.

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May 16, 2016


Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card Name:  Eight of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions;  Going upstream, fighting instead of going with the flow, loss of a sense of purpose

Book:  The past may feel like it is overwhelming you, like it is too hard to change the way you life. (so true)

Journaling

I do feel as if I am swimming upstream right now and that I have no sense of purpose.  It feels as if I don't know where I'm going or what is important to me.  I feel adrift as if there is no point or purpose.  I know what I want in life, a loving relationship, but I don't know how to get there.  I don't know how to find that relationship without sorting through a whole lot of chaff, something I don't have time for.

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