Friday, October 7, 2022

Three of Cups

 October 7, 2022

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  I love this card because it isn't just about dancing and stuff, it is showing the three friends connecting over a board game.  I think sometimes we forget that there are multiple ways to connect.

Book:  Cherish friendships and emotional bonds with people

Guidance:   Take down the walls


I love this reminder to actually take time to make friends and create relationships.  I am really bad at this and I've gotten even worse since not working in person anymore.  It is hard to form relationships when working virtually and historically that has been my primary way of forming friendships.  However, the benefits of working remote weigh outweigh the downsides.  I think I just have to make more of an effort to form relationships.  Open Table was a good start and I will find some other ways to meet people.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today and I am so happy that it is Friday.  I got home at a reasonable time last night, but I am still exhausted.

Weather:  The weather is beautiful out tonight.  I always forget how much I love fall.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 93%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:28 / 6:59

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------July 23, 2022

Deck:  Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  Initially, I'm not a fan of the card as it deviates from the traditional version of three friends hanging out and dancing.  However, I believe it does get to the essence of the three of cups as someone is playing a musical instrument and they are being appreciated and loved with the gift of the lilies.

Book:  Graces, success, growth, rejoicing and merriment, coming to conclusion

Guidance:   You are loved


The artwork on these cards is so beautiful and the symbolism so rich, that I am willing to open my mind to them not being as instantly readable for me as the RWS.  What I love about this card is that it shows that the woman is loved and appreciated with a quiet celebration.  It also shows there are different ways to be loved and appreciated.  I sometimes get so caught up in the fact that I don't have a lot of friends to go out and hang out with, that I forget I don't want to go out and hang out with people all the time.  I'm perfectly content to go out once in a while, to have people appreciate me on Facebook and to have Wendy sit by me and love me.

I am coming to realize that I need to live the life that is right for me and not worry about what people think.  John always called me a hermit because I didn't want to go out and party with people.  However, the thing is that life is so busy and work takes so much time that if I go out and party with people or even just hang out all the time, I won't have time to do the things that are important to me.  T was talking about her new life and drinking wine with the moms and going on girl's trips.  And I'm like "NO" that does not sound like fun at all.  I like sitting on the couch with the dogs, doing my research, and generally being my own person.  What it has taken me a while to realize is that that is okay.

Where I'm At:  I'm sitting on the couch next to the Great Wendy this morning.  I slept on the couch and after Cam took her out this morning, she crawled on top of me and wouldn't move.  I'm not sure why she felt the need to be on top of me.  When I tried to get up, she refused to move and I ended up rolling off the couch.  Of course, she had to post about it on Instagram :(

Weather:  It's raining out this morning and warm.  I hate it when it rains and is hot.  That is so disgusting.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 23%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:11 am / 8:54 pm


 April 24, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  This card is full of happiness, love, and friendship.  I'm not sure about the horse though as that seems to be weird symbolism.

Book:  Community, joy, parties, fun, abundance

Guidance:  Community is a blend of self and other


What I'm realizing is that modern day living does not make creating a community easy.  We live in one place, work in another, and often go play in another.  We are not forced to see the same people all the time and if we don't like someone, it is easy to just walk away.  In the past, people created communities and relied upon their neighbors because they have to.  I have no incentive to interact with or get to know my neighbors.  We've also pushed the concept of self reliance and independence and made it a bad thing to rely upon others.

I'm not sure how I'm going to resolve this in my own life, but I need to figure out a way to build an intentional community of people that I like and can rely upon.

Where: I am at home today and as usual on the couch with the doggos.  I'm actually having a good day today because I got one of my papers done yesterday and have a plan for the other tomorrow.  I should be able to get all three of them done.

Weather:  It was sunny and warm out and I took the dingles out for a while today and they hung out and enjoyed the sun.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 39%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:30 am / 8:17 am


January 8, 2022

Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Dancing, sharing secrets, friendship, why the heck are they in the lily pad?

Book: Celebrations, friends, indulgence, community

Guidance:  Enjoy yourself


I'm realizing why the guidance of this card, to find friends, has never resonated with me.  It is because I want true friends who are there for good times and bad.  However, the depictions on all the cards are of three women dancing and, presumably, gossiping.  That doesn't do it for me.  Now if they had show three people at a book club, I'd be more included to take it to heart.  However, the reality is that you grow friendships from the superfical to the serious.  No one starts out telling their secrets and showing up when the chips are down.

Now, despite the card not resonating with me, I have made progress on the friend front.  I consider Cindy a friend and even though we don't live close and hang out all the time, she is someone I care about and we have good conversations.  And I am becoming friends with the open table ladies.  I am also planning to join a book club as soon as the Rona goes away.  I think this is a card I might finally be coming to terms with.

I read something interesting over at Tarot Heaven.  Apparently when the RWS was first printed, it was not socially acceptable for women to wear red.  If I look at the cards through that lens, it makes me wonder if this is a card about acceptance as the three women are accepting each other.


August, 11, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Friendship, having fun

Book:  Three friends having fun

Guidance:  Cherish friendship and emotional bonds with people


I don't have a lot of friends in my life and I'm not good at making friends and just hanging out with someone else.  I have to admit that when Heather first reached out to me, my first instinct was to say no because I didn't want to expend the emotional energy to meet someone else.  However, I am so glad that I said yes and that we went out and had a good dinner.  We share a lot of the same interests and values and it was awesome to talk to someone who gets the things I'm interested in.  It was very comfortable, relaxed, and awesome.  She also admitted to me that she doesn't have a lot of friends and that it's hard for her to meet people.  I really felt like we bonded.

Cam and I also had a great day visiting the lemur research center, going to the yarn store, and just hanging out.  We also went to The Holy Rose which is a wonderful Pagan Store in Durham and I spent about 10 minutes just meditating in front of the Virgin Mary statue.  It was really nice to just sit there and let her love wash over me.  I felt her presence so strongly and she brought me such a sense of love and peace.  It also made me want to commit to set up an actual altar where I worship on a regular basis as I think there is an amazing sense of piece that comes from having a place that collects energy.  I also know that it has to be a private place as anything I put in a public place becomes a junk heap.

I was also happy that I had time to just hang out by myself and destress.  I don't get a lot of time by myself without having a ton of obligations so it was really nice. 


I'm grateful for visiting the amazing lemur and seeing how cute they are
I'm grateful for finding an awesome yarn store for Cam to visit
I'm grateful that the Residence Inn let us check in early
I'm grateful that our rooms face the woods
I'm grateful that Heather reached out to me
I'm grateful that Cam was okay hanging out by herself
I'm grateful for meeting Heather and for the amazing dinner

May 25, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Openness, honesty, heart to heart, fun

Book:  Triple aspect of the Goddess:  maiden
, mother, and crone, mutual respect, enduring bonds, and social pleasures, loyalty, and shared ideas, creating sacred space

Guidance:  Enjoy the company of a few good friends, have a feast, indulge yourself, act from the heart to build relationships


Most three of cups cards have a sense of frivolity and fun as we see three women dancing and toasting.  This one has a deeper meaning as the women sitting topless indicating a willingness to be open and honest with one another and to be truthful about all things.  It is about letting go of our masks and getting real with the people we call friends.   It's about being able to share the uncomfortable things with people, the things we'd be embarrassed to tell anyone else, it's being able to cry without worrying about the snot coming out of your nose, and being able to laugh until you snort without being embarrassed.  And it's about being honest with people and knowing they won't give you advice unless you ask for it.

I grew up believing that friendship meant having people stick their nose in their business and give you unsolicited advice.  And unfortunately, that is all too often the way that friendship is portrayed today.  However, I learned about real friendship in Al-Anon where I learned that real friendship meant being able to just listen and witness someone's pain without rushing in to fix things.  One of the things I realized in being forced (as there are rules against unsolicited advice in Al-Anon) to keep my mouth shut when people poured their hearts out was that giving advice was more for me than for the people on the receiving end.  It is hard to sit and listen to someone who has a problem that you are convinced you have the solution for and keep quiet.  It is uncomfortable to silently witness people's pain.  However, I also learned from being the one pouring out my heart that there was something empowering about people not giving me unsolicited advice.  It meant that I was free to ask for advice, if I chose to, or figure it out myself.  The more I experienced this true unconditional love, the more I found myself wanting advice from people who had it together.  I also realized that unwelcome advice creates a power differential as the person giving the advice inevitably acts superior to the person on the receiving end.

As I discovered that type of relationship, I realized that the relationships of my childhood were unequal relationships where I was made to feel less than for not having all the answers or for not taking unsolicited advice.  My ex-husband was great at making me feel less than for not taking his advice.  What he didn't realize that even if I didn't take his advice, I often listened and considered it as I developed a plan of my own.  I don't have a lot of friends now as I'm still a hermit at heart, but I do have a few friends that I trust with my soul and it feels amazing to have people who love you and accept you for who you are.


Think about the people in your life, who do you love because they trust and empower you?

January 1, 2017

  Robin Woods

First Impressions:  Although the women are supposed to be enjoying themselves, they are not looking at each other, it is as if they are in their own little worlds.  The three of cups is traditionally about friendship.

Book: Joyful, playful, joining in thriving friendships, emotional generosity

Guidance:  Be sociable, make friends


Not a card that I'm truly thrilled about drawing.  I know I need to get out and make friends, but I'm stuck in a rut. 

Dearest Ones,

Please guide me to the activities that are right for me.  Guide me to places where I can thrive and make real friends.  And please help me to open up and to be open to people.

Blessed Be,

January 1, 2018 Review

It's been exactly a year since I wrote that and I still don't have any friends in Cleveland, but I have gotten to know myself better and I have actually tried some activities.  I did go to the UU church for six weeks, but that really wasn't for me as I didn't feel welcome there.  But that's okay and I've accepted that.  Right now, I'm going to be open to doing new things and if something pops up, that's great, if not that's okay too as I've always been good at taking care of myself and I'm happy being by myself.

December 8, 2016

Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love how this cup is drawn with the three women dancing over the cups.  It is such a happy card and I love the celebratory mood.  I still don't like the fact that the women aren't looking at each other.  Overall, this is a card of celebration and love.

Book:  Surrounded by those who give you happiness, appreciation for life itself, good feelings

Guidance:  Acknowledge and appreciate your loved ones, take time to celebrate, practice gratitude


Ironic card to pull as I don't really have any friends.  However, I've been paying attention and I realize that I really do shut people out.  People at work invite me to parties and get togethers and I look for ways to get out of going.  I guess it really comes down to that I don't want a lot of friends, I want that special person in my life and I don't know how to get there.

January 23, 2018 Review

I still don't have a lot of friends in my life, but I've become a lot more comfortable in being who I am and setting boundaries.  With the insane job that I work, I have no emotional energy to have people in my life.  Okay, that really does sound lame.  I need to ask them to bring people into my life who will add value and emotional support versus being a drag.  I'm realizing that my heart really does need to function as a valve and let love both in and out.  All too often, it has been a one way pipe with love flowing out, but not much flowing in.  I need to not let too much flow out.  And that means I need to set boundaries and not always be so giving.

Another piece of this that strikes me is the part about practicing gratitude.  I've been making a concious effort to practice gratitude lately and write down the good things that happen each day.  I also make it a point to not write down the bad things that happen.  Every Sunday I pull cards and record what happened during the week and I realize this really helps me to let go of all the junk.

Another thing that is really helping me to let go of the junk is to transcribe my journals and look for the lessons.  This helps me to really keep what adds value and let go of all the whining and the junk.
Ocrober 31, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Friendship and fellowship

Book:  Celebration, jubilee, merriment, people who are genuine and truly supportive

Guidance:  Rejoice and celebrate


This card is hard for me as I really don't have a lot of friendships to revel in.  I'm a little shy and I'm afraid of getting close to people.  I sometimes feel as if people use me and that doesn't feel very nice.  I'm feeling that way around S.  a lot.  It feels as if when I need a reading or am buying dinner, eh has time for me, but that when I just need to talk he doesn't.  I need to sit with this a little while, but it doesn't feel good.

May 26, 2018 Review

I still don't have a lot of friends, but I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin and I'm feeling more comfortable alone.  I'm also realizing that it is better to be alone than to have people in your life who use you.  I think where I'm at right now is that I just need to accept that people come into our lives for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach a lesson about who to trust and who not to trust.  S. was someone who I let in and I think that was okay as he helped me and listened when I really needed it.  My life has changed and I no longer fit into his life.  And that's okay.  I can just let go and know that I learned from him and now it is time to move on.

October 3, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  There are apples and berries growing on the trees.  The three girls are close together as if they are sharing secrets.  There is a tassel or a broom on the girl on the right.  This card makes me think of friendship, fulfillment, and happiness.

Book:  Celebration, jubilation, merriment, sincere allies who wish the seeker well, playful affection.

Guidance:  Draw on the energy of the earth.  Take time to enjoy friendships.


Ironic card to pull when I am feeling friendless and mired in loneliness.  It just hurts to think about people having friends  when I'm mired in this stupid half life where it feels my life has no joy and no meaning.  I don't even know how to get where I want to be.  I do know that I have to set better boundaries to get out of Chicago.

December 23, 2017 Review

It's over a year later and I still don't have friends, but I'm realizing I crave my alone time and I'm not really ready to give that up to have friends.  I tried by joining the church, but that just all seems so fake and like the people are not very nice.  I was so hurt when I wasn't able to make the first session and I said that I couldn't go because my daughter had a minor car accident and no one took the time to send me a message and say I'm sorry.  I thought that was so cold and incredibly bitchy.  And now they're calling and saying, "we don't think you're interested, etc., etc."  Of course they're right because why would I want to hang out with people who have no compassion?

Monday, October 3, 2022

Three of Wands

October 3, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card and how she is looking toward the horizon.  I also like that she is standing on a bay or an inlet and not directly on the water.

Book:  I create space as expansive as the horizon, so that my decisions are met with the grace they deserve.

Guidance:   Take a step back and look at the wider picture.


I love this card and the call to listen to my heart.  I spend so much time listening to my head and being practical, that I don't listen to my heart and what it wants.  My heart wants to pursue a PhD.  I love research and going deep within a topic to find answers.  I love taking obscure pieces of information and putting them together.  That is where my heart is at.  I also love mentoring people and helping them learn how to do new things.  At its heart, that is where I want to be.  I want to be guiding and nurturing people and helping them find their true north.

My next step is to reach out to Dr. Perkins and see what is possible at WMU.  Once I have that answer, the next steps will unveil themselves.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today and I deliberately did not go anywhere.  I am really working on not going someplace every day.  It is just too easy to run to the store to get something and I don't need to do that.  We have plenty of food to eat here.  I don't need to keep running out to get something.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out.  It was slightly chilly, but sunny.  Funny thing is that I wanted to sit outside after work, but it was too cold for Wendy.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 67%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:23/ 7:06


July 22, 2022

 Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Fireworks, magick, mountains, happiness

Book:  Success, Recognition, Innovation, Contribution, Trailblazer

Guidance:   Now may be a time of big ideas for you, signaling a vision unseen by others


I really love that this may be a time of big ideas for me.  I'm working on my research for my dissertation and it really seems to be flowing.  I am just hopeful that in the next month or so that I will hear from WMU that they are reopening the interdisciplinary PhD program.

Where I'm At:  I was at the Cleveland plant today then I had my interview with PPL Corporation.  Seems like an interesting job, but I'm not sure if I will take it if it is offered.  I'm going to have to see what happens.

Weather:  It was hot today, but it has cooled down a little (7:00 pm) and it was nice enough to sit outside with the dogs.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 32%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:10 / 8:55


 June 29, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess

First Impressions:  Firecrackers, dancing, energized

Book:  Success, Recognition, Innovation, Contribution, Trailblazer

Guidance:   Believe in what you feel called to and others will believe as well


This is an interesting card about seeing where I'm going and people following me.  I had a good conversation with J. at work today and one of our leaders asked what we were going to do about Roe V. Wade being overturned and the emotional impact.  We also talked about terror and trauma.  I felt listened to and heard and that was a good feeling.  I also don't know where I'm going from here.  I still feel raw and my emotions are still all over the place, but I do feel as if I was heard.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and it was a very productive day.  I got a lot done and now I'm hanging out with the monsters.

Weather: It is beautiful outside.  It is a little chilly and even the Great American Grem did not want to sit outside, but that's okay. 

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:53 / 9:05


March 2, 2022

Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Happiness, Joy, contemplating adventure, looking toward the future, age doesn't matter

Book:  Energy manifesting, waiting to see the results of your efforts, opportunities, moving in the right direction

Guidance:   You are headed in the right direction


The gray hair tells me that this woman is mature and that she knows when to bide her time and when to jump in.  She isn't just standing there because she is afraid or she doesn't know what she is doing, she is standing there because she knows the time is not quite right.

I really like this card because sometimes I think that being patient is a waste of time, but this card is telling me that I am right to wait and not rush into anything.  I don't do well at waiting things out and biding my time as I want to leap to something new as soon as I am uncomfortable, but this card is telling me to wait.  It's also telling me that good things are on my horizon.

Where I'm At: Tonight was a bad night as Clark and Wendy got into it again and I ended up having to take her to the emergency vet.  They gave her antibiotics and pain meds.  Sean got pissy about going with me, but I needed him to lift the baby.

Weather: It's cold and crisp

Moon Phase:  New Moon 0%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:59 am / 6:18 pm


January 25, 2022

Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Determination, going for it, climbing out of a bad situation, making it work no matter what the odds

Book:  Hard work and travel,  self-motivation, freedom, reward

Guidance:  Stay motivated and your efforts will be rewarded


This card for me represents digging out of a pit you're dug for yourself.  And that is apt because i always end up struggling for redemption.  I do something that other people disagree with and I find myself having to redeem myself.  That is where I feel like I'm at now even though I've really done nothing wrong. M and T don't like what I do so they feel declined to trash me and be crabby in pulling me back down in mediocracy.  However, because our company likes nice and to keep the peach, instead of punishing the crabs, he person trying to be excellent is punished.

When i reflect on what this means to me, the lesson is to continue climbing and to not let the crabs get me down.  They are going to be who they are, but that does not mean I have to reduce myself to their level.

October 17, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:   Waiting, Patience

Book:  Watching her progeny's ship come in

Guidance:  Visionary Leadership will see a project flourish


Reading Lisa's description of this card and how it reminded her of her mother's love is really difficult for me as I am coming to realize that I never truly had my mother's love.  She loved the idea of me, but she didn't really love me.  I was difficult, outspoken, and prickly and that wasn't someone she wanted to deal with.  I'm writing a paper about addiction and shame and I'm realizing that I was shamed from the moment I was born.  I was always too loud, not demure enough, too smart, too bookish, or too something else.  My grandmother flat out told me that I was stuck up and my mother treated me as I wasn't who she wanted as a daughter.  She wanted someone who would have been content to be a MRS and that was not me.  I always wanted more out of life.  I wanted to use my brain and I wanted to change the world.  I had not desire to be the demure little wife.  I'm also starting to realize how complicit my father was in this as he taught me that elders deserved respect no matter what and that women were to be subservient to men.  Hell, he left churches when they got women minsters because the bible said that women should not lead men. 

I'm realizing that I've spent my life swimming in shame after constantly being told that I wasn't good enough, that I was was bad to my very core.  However, this card is only about Charlene if I choose to let it be about Charlene.  I can choose to let her pilot my life or I can choose to pilot my own life and I'm going to choose to pilot my own life.  I get to decide where  I'm going and I'm going to figure out a way to have the life that I want to have.  I'm not exactly sure yet what that looks like, but I will figure it out.


I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for Sean getting home early
I'm grateful for the yummy pork chops
I'm grateful for time to work on my paper
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy

December 23, 2017

Three of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  The first impression I get in looking at this card is that the three little beasts are waiting for Circe to fall off the hill.  I believe that she is stirring up some kind of medical or magical potion and she needs to wait until it is perfect.

Book:  Ideas have a life of their own, Goddess credited with the invention of Magick, Transformation, Lack of jealousy

Guidance:  Your creative ability is high, permanence is an illusion as everything changes, mix up things in your life, changing your appearance or your home is not a superficial act.


I needed this reminder that nothing is permanent.  I get so caught up in wanting some things to remain the same that I forget how boring that can make life.  Life truly is a journey and there is always something new to discover.  What I am struggling with is reconciling the fact that nothing is permanent with my need for stability.  How can I create a stable life when there truly is impermanence?

I think it comes down to building a financial foundation and a home and then going with the flow.  It's interesting as I groaned when I pulled this card and I wanted to put it back and I did.  I then pulled the witch of fire, but my conscious wouldn't let me cheat so I decided to keep the card that I originally pulled, although I did look at the reading for the Witch of Fire (Cerridwin).  Cerridwin has a meaning that is complimentary to this one:  Use an established framework or structure to keep your energy focused.  What an amazing confirmation.

December 30, 2017

Wow!  It always amazes me how the cards provide the lessons that I need and the confirmation, when necessary.  I think the answer is to create a stable structure and create the magic within the structure.  For me right now that means working on paying off my credit cards and my bills so that I have more flexibility financially.  It also means going back to shopping at Aldi for whatever I can get there so I can cut my grocery budget.  Not a big deal as I always went to Aldi when we lived in Chicago, I just got out of the habit.

August 26, 2017

Three of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Three of Fire

First Impressions:  This card always seems to me as if the three little creatures are waiting for her to come down from the rock.  Circe seems to be stirring up some magic in her pot.  Overall, this card gives off a vibe of waiting.

Book:  Ideas have a life of their own, Knowing lore of all places, Friend of the witches, creative ability is high.

Guidance:  Make the most of your creativity, express it, embrace change, mix up things in your life, change up your house


Interesting that I pulled this card as I am embracing change and changing my personal space.  I'm also cleaning out and getting rid of things that no longer serve me.  This is a time of transformation and I feel the energy of change flowing. 

Despite all the nastiness in the government, I feel good changes are afoot and it is time to embrace my creative side.

December 18, 2017

I love the thought that ideas have a life of their own and that we can manifest ourselves.

December 27, 2017

One of the things I've realized with this round of cleansing and getting rid of is that I don't have to purge everything at once.  I can take my time and genuinely evaluate what serves me before I just get rid of it all.  I've decided I'm going to take the next year to work through the books on my bookshelf in the wood room and I'm going to either keep them permanently, keep them as I haven't read them yet, or get rid of them.  I don't have to make a decision today.  In the past, I always thought that if I made a decision, I had to implement it right away, but I've realized that's not true.  I can take time to evaluate and gently get rid of things instead of rushing to get rid of them.  Doing things this way brings me peace instead of frustration
May 1, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  Three of Fire

First Impressions:  
I love this card as she dances with the fire orbs.  One of the things I love most about her is that she is not a size 2.  She looks like a real woman who is happy, excited, and her own person.  I feel passion, happiness, and self-control in this card.  The three words I get are being, doing, dancing.  I love this card as it is so full of expression and passion.  This card is about passion, controlling the flames, happiness, self control, and dancing.    When I look at this card, I think about being joyous, it is about being comfortable in my own skin.  I am a woman who knows what she wants.

Book:  Blazing with personal power and passion.  On fire with the joy of creativity, sexuality, and self empowerment.  Life is flowing and nothing can hold you back.  Be proud of all you are and all that you have accomplished.

Guidance:  Be on fire with creativity, sexuality, and self empowerment.  Don't let anything hold you back.  Be proud of who you are and what you can and have accomplished.  Be open to wherever life takes you.


Dancing, being joyous, comfortable in my own skin.  I am a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it.  What a wonderful card to draw for Beltane, the first fire festival.  I did feel comfortable in my own skin today.  I was happy being at home and I felt as if life was truly flowing.  I choose to express myself joyously and wonderfully.

January 2, 2018

I love this card!  It is one of my all time favorite tarot cards as she has such beauty and exuberance.  This card makes me think about picking myself up and doing what needs to be done as I face life head on.

February 4, 2018

I've decided that this card is my talisman for the year.  I love how she is big and bold and not afraid to be who she is.  I sometimes feel so mousy and as if I am invisible to everyone.  Sometimes it feels as if I tried so hard to be pretty and noticed, but no one noticed me so I've gone back to being in the background and in the shadows.

However, the truth of the matter is that no matter how I dress, I do like to be invisible.  Being visible means i have to interact with people and I have to have conversations.  Those things are really uncomfortable for me.  I'm already trying to figure out how to get out of going to the Tarot Conference and at the end of the day it is fear that has me making up excuses.  There is no real reason that I have for not going.  I'm just afraid of interacting with people.  I'm afraid that people won't like me.  I'm afraid that people will make fun of me. 

Raine--You will be taken care of and you will be loved.  Just trust.  It is all going to be wonderful.

Sunday, October 2, 2022

Ten of Swords

October 2, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Thunder

First Impressions:  the figure on this card is both supported by and attacked by the lightening.  Unlike the more traditional card, in this card the lightening is coming from all directions.

Book:  I heal and remember my resilience.  I meet myself on the other side of the cocoon.

Guidance:   Believe in yourself and learn from the past


I love this reminder to believe in myself and to learn from the lessons of the past.  My dark moods have become so much more infrequent since I left John, but they still pop up every once in awhile.  I also still have suicidal thoughts every so often, but I know now that those thoughts will pass and there really isn't anything in my world that is so bad that it isn't worth being here.  There may come a time if I get terminal cancer or something, but right now, life is good and it really is worth living.

It is amazing to realize how happy I am even though I am single and don't have someone in my life.  I'm honestly happy and content with my life.  I do hope that the kids find happiness as well.  I really help that I will be able to help them purchase homes and live independent lives.  There is a part of me that feels like I am being selfish because I really like having them live with me.  I think there is  a part of me that still feels unloved and that feels like if I am alone, that will mean I really am unlovable.  I'm also on the fence about whether or not I want a relationship.  I really really really like my alone time.

Where I'm At:  We had an amazing day as we took the doggos to the City Dogs reunion, then ordered Mexican.  It was so much fun to go to the reunion and see all the dogs and people.  I also enjoyed talking to Beth in her dog costume.

Weather:  It is windy and cold out, but that did not deter us from going outside.

Moon Phase:  First Quarter 56%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:22 / 7:27


 May 23, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  The positioning on this card is different than in most ten of swords as he is laying horizontally and with his face visible.  Additionally, each of the swords has a naked man on it.

Book: Collective defeat, forced rest, exaggeration

Guidance: Your problems have your name on them


The message that I am getting loud and clear is that my physical problems, the exhaustion and the aches and pain, are my own doing.  I eat crap, drink too much soda, then expect to feel good.  It doesn't work that way.  I have to start putting good stuff into my body so that I start feeling good.  I've made a decision that I am going to quit soda on Friday.  I will have a three day weekend so that should let me get over most of the icky side effects before I have to go back to work.  I know it is going to be hard, but I'm also going to start looking at it as a financial issue.  If I drink 4 sodas a day, that is between $6 and $10 per day on Soda.  That's a heck of a lot of money.  If I quit the soda, I could put $300 into my house every month.  

I also need to start exercising and I've decided to go back to the YesFit as I really do get motivated by earning medals.  Those are super small things, but they are things that I can do to get healthy.

Where:  I had to go into the office today and I honestly got a lot done.  It was kind of nice to be in a quiet place where I didn't have a lot of my crap around.  I'm home now and hanging with Clark on the couch.  The problem is that I am positively exhausted.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out today.  It wasn't too cold, but not too hot either.  I also made an effort to walk around the building and get some steps in.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 42%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:58 am / 8:47 pm


April 18, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Being face up and facing the swords instead of being face down

Book:  Collective defeat, forced rest, exaggeration

Guidance:  Your problems have your name on them


I like the thought of my problems having my name on them because if they have my name on them, that means that I can save them.  I think one of the hardest things lately is figuring out what I can solve, what I can only react to and what is completely out of my hands.  I cannot change the N and this N nice stuff is just crap.  People get away with all kinds of crap and no one is allowed to talk back because that would not be nice.  

The problem is that I get sucked into the darkness because I don't know how to not be an ass so that I can fight back.  I just don't know how to not be the same kind of backstabber as everyone else.  It seems that nice people get eaten alive.  And I have to be honest and say that I even suspect some of the nice people because everyone is so horrible.  I'm not sure what the lesson for me is, but I am going to continue to reflect and meditate and figure out my next steps.

Where: I'm sitting at home with the kiddos and dogs.

Weather: It's cold out today and actually snowed

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 96

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:39am / 8:11 pm


April 3, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, stabbed in the back, in pain, desolate

Book:  Painful endings, crisis, stabbed in the back, devastating loss, opportunity to find hope

Guidance:  Give yourself space to heal from trauma


Space and time to heal is so important and I don't think we pay enough attention to that.  We live in a 24/7 world where we just want to move on from everything and make things better right away, but it doesn't work like that.  I remember when I was first separated and B. was telling me to get over it, but he had no idea of the depth of the damage to my soul.  John's humiliation had broken me and I had no idea how to move on.  the ironic part in hindsight is that I have always been strong enough to support myself and take care of myself, I just didn't know it.

The question I'm asking myself now is whether I am strong enough to let someone into my life.  I feel like I still have so many barriers up and I honestly don't know whether I can let myself be vulnerable.  It is so much easier and less complicated to just be my self and not worry about another person's wants or needs.

Where: I'm at home on a Sunday morning with the doggos

Weather: It snowed overnight.  I wish it would just get to be spring already

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 5%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:03 am / 7:56 pm


October 16, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Stabbed in the back

Book:  Drowning in despair

Guidance:  Rise above the victim mentality, trust the universe to support you


Today was a really rotten day as we were all emotionally prepped to go to trial and we found out that we're not going because of other trials.  I feel as if Cam was totally stabbed in the back as if she was betrayed by the very justice system that swore to protect her.  I know that in reality this was nothing personal and that is just out the overburdened court system works, but it still feels very very personal.  It's almost as if the court system has no clue as to how difficult it is for crime victims and how dealing with delays just makes it worse. 

The problem with where I'm at right now is that I am so stressed out and overwhelmed that I can't trust the universe to do the right thing and it is very hard to trust anyone

January 14, 2022 Revisit

It has been almost two years since the prick that assaulted Cam was given probation and I still feel stabbed in the back by the justice system.  I am realizing that rape is viewed as a women's crime and since women are devalued by the system as a whole, this crime is not given the punishments it deserves.  I don't think the patriarchy realizes how intimate and cruel rape truly is because the assailant is in your very body.  Men cannot understand that and therefore it is not viewed as horrendous as other crimes.  My only consolation is that Cam is taking it well and is moving on.  Personally, I still want the prick's head to go on a stake in the front yard.  I wish that was still a thing.


I'm grateful I was home with Cam when we found out about the trial
I'm grateful that I didn't send the really nasty email
I'm grateful that we made up and didn't let this rupture us permanently
I'm grateful that I have Thursday and Friday off

July 11, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions;  Eviscerated, Isis calling for mercy

Book:  Ruin

Guidance:  Come to terms with reality, surrender and welcome the opportunity to move on


Interesting card to reflect on today.  It was an absolutely brutal week at work as it felt like everything that could go wrong did.  Everyone seems to be fighting and nothing seems to be going right.  We're struggling with the blueprint and don't have half the work done that we need to get done.  In so many ways, it feels like a perfect shit storm, which is what Mercury Retrograde usually entails.  To top it all off, I'm getting sick and it feels as if I'm never going to be able to breathe again.  I feel as if I'm drowning in grief again, but I don't know why as nothing has occurred that I'm letting go of.

The message I'm getting loud and clear with this card even though it doesn't make perfect sense is to go inward and reflect upon where I am and what I want to do with my life.  I've been living a very outward focused life lately and haven't made time to turn inward and to meditate and reflect on what is important to me.  I've been focused on changing the world, but haven't spent time on me.  I've been eating poorly, not exercising, and not spending time outdoors.  I've let myself get caught up in the brain and not the spirit.  That is my reality right now and it is time I let go of the pleasures of the brain and make time for the pleasures of the spirit.  It is time to do something fun, to walk in nature, and to let the warm sun caress my face.

Surrender is such a hard word because on the surface it means giving up, but in reality it can mean giving up the burdens and giving up the things that we think are important to focus on the things that are really important.  So the trick for me is figuring out what is really important versus what I think is important.  I know that family is important, time for myself is important, but what isn't important?  Work is important only in the sense that it pays the bills, but I can't let go of it until I have something else to pay the bills and I don't know what that is.  I think I just have to pray and open myself up to listening to the answers.

January 14, 2022 Revisit

Surrender is still a hard word for me, but I am learning to accept that there are things I just have to turn over and surrender to deity.  It doesn't mean I have to like it, but sometimes I just have to do it.  Interesting as I was writing these words, I got the message that surrendering things that are bothering us or that we cannot control means that we free up space in our lives for things that do move us forward and do add value to our lives.  This makes me wonder if I need to let go of my anger toward people and work and space will be freed up for things that do matter.  Although I do believe that magick and a freezing spell do work on other people, I also believe that these spells work on my own mind because they are another way of turning things over.  

My flight was on time
Walking to lunch
Driving the funky little VW Bettle
Hanging out with the kids when I got home
The dogs being happy to see me

April 9, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  This card does not have the same sense of darkness as RWS.  It does have a sense of heartbreak and betrayal

Book:  Emptiness, feeling of paralysis, over thinking, end of old cycle

Guidance:  Embrace faith and trust.  Accept things as they are

Affirmation:  I Trust


I don't normally like the ten of swords because it is a stabbed in the back/heartbreak card, but I like how this one is portrayed as if all the pain is coming out and it is cleansing in the same way that Dreamer 10 (Tarot of the Sidhe) feels.  And it does feel as if I'm going through a cathartic release right now.

April 16, 2017 Revisit

It still feels cleansing and cathartic to let all the blood and pain come out.  I actually feel happier and more grounded than I have in a long time.


October 21, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Demands from every angle, betrayal, knives in the back

Book:  Failure, dead end choices, learning lessons the hard way, thinking things to death, situation is not as bad as it looks, people acting against seeker

Guidance:  Trust, do not overthink, a new day will dawn


It actually wasn't that bad of day today.  I let go of worrying about the future and all that was or was not going to happen and just trusted.  I trusted that somehow it is all going to work out.  One thing I have found is that working with tarot is that it really keeps me grounded din the present.  The card a day stays with me and I focus on what I need to do today.

May 25, 2018 Revisit

Tarot does help keep me grounded and it is a reminder that there is a world outside of my little world.  Going to the cemetery reminds me of the same thing as sometimes I get so caught up on what is happening in my world at this very moment that I forget that there is a great big world out there where what's going on in my world really doesn't matter.

The one thing about myself that I'm starting to realize is that there are times that I exhibit signs of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I find myself feeling empty even when life is going really well and I get overly attached to people.  I also find myself concerned about what other people are thinking about me and feeling as if I may be stabbed in the back.   A lot of this is making it all about me and that is not healthy to me.

I have to work hard to keep myself from making inappropriate outbursts or flat out asking if I am going to be fired.  I seem to have no sense of worth and if I am not constantly being praised, I am afraid people don't like me.  This is not a good way to live and I'm realizing that the time in my life when I was not feeling like this was when I was in Al-Anon.  When I was doing program work, I felt so much more centered and balanced

January 14, 2022 Revisit

Interesting to reflect on this and I realize that a lot of why I might have felt constantly on edge about my job when I was a consultant is you really are always on the bubble.  The only time you are really safe is when you are on a project and then you have to bend over and kiss ass to not get let go.  I hadn't realized until I read this how much that stress constantly weighed on me.  I felt like every time I made a misstep I was going to get a pink slip.  I don't feel that weigh at the Big Bird because I know it is a huge process to let someone go and I know I am doing a good job.  I don't necessarily love my job, but I am realizing that I do feel much safer and more secure than I did as a consultant.


September 14, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled reversed

Initial Impressions: 
 The beads in his hair came loose, but there is no blood.  Are the beads supposed to represent the blood?  Reversed, this card says to me that someones cares are falling away.

Book:  Opportunity arises for liberation and change.  The ultimate battle is with yourself.  Work on the issue and find the courage to rise again.  You will endure and persevere.

Guidance:  Have the courage to love again.  Trust that he loves you.  Be open.


Hope is such a good thing and there are days it is in short supply because I get mired in all the details.  For me, this card speaks to cares and worries falling away and about the weirdness being gone.  Reversed this card is about opening up.

December 22, 2017
Interesting as I read this card over a year later, what I see is someone being impaled by the swords versus them falling away.  I've quit reading reversals so if I was to read this card today, I would see it as the worst having been done.  The nine of swords is about nightmares and in some ways this card is about the nightmare coming true.  However, the one thing that I have learned in my life is that sometimes it is okay when the other shoe has dropped and you know for sure where you're at.  For me, it is harder to deal with the uncertainty and the worry than with cold hard facts.  With cold hard facts, you can come up with a plan to actually address what's going on.

May 29, 2016

Ten of Fire
Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

First Impressions:  Being overwhelmed by loss and grieving, Dreams going up in smoke, clearing away the old to make room for the new.


I'm at a point in my life right now where I truly understand that fire and loss happen to make way for the new.  It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt or that it isn't hard to look at the devastation, but it means I need to start from scratch.  I'm sure there are parts of my old life that I will always miss and love, but the earth has been prepped for new growth and it is time to move on.

December 29, 2017

This card makes me think of the poor people who have lost everything in the California fires.  There is such devastation, but from a land perspective it has cleared away debris and given the land a chance to start from scratch.  As I think through the times in my life when I have been down and faced loss, I'm realizing that I never really had to start from scratch as I always had my intelligence, the money I had in the bank, and relationships.  I've always had some kind of foundation to start with.  I don't know if everyone is that lucky or if there are some people who truly are starting over from scratch.

Saturday, October 1, 2022

Five of Cups

 October 1, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  There is a sense of overwhelming sadness in this card as if the figure is grieving something deep and dark.  However, the green of the grass provides a sense of hope.

Book:  I acknowledge my pain.  I thank it for the lessons of love and forgiveness that it brings me.

Guidance:   Listen for the whispers of loving kindness


On the surface, this card doesn't represent where my day went.  However, I did need the reminder to listen for those whispers of loving kindness because sometimes we get so caught up in looking for evil and nastiness in the world that we don't recognize the good that is all around us.  It was so lovely when I took a minute to thank the woman who said I wasn't a disaster and she said that I was lovely.  It didn't take a minute of her day, but it really mattered.

This was also a good reminder for me to think about how I treat people in my interactions an to be kind whenever I can.  There are times when I am so irritated and focused on what I need to do that I forget to be kind.  Today was a good reminder of how much kindness matters.

Where I'm At:  Today was an interesting day.  I didn't get good sleep last night because Wendy was a total ass.  I was sleeping on the couch and she pushed me off.  Then I was sleeping on the pad under my desk and she pushed me off.  Then I went back to the couch and she pushed me off.  I finally went upstairs and got a good night's sleep, but it was too short.  Then I had to take the Barkster to the vet so I couldn't go back to sleep.  However, the day got better because after I went to the vet, I went to the Farmer's Market and people were so nice.  I dropped a token and a lady picked it up, then I dropped an apple and she picked it up.  I said, I was sorry and that I was a disaster.  She said you're not a disaster.  I thanked her for her comment and she told me I was lovely and gave me a hug.  And the Lemon Waves guy recognized me and when I only had three bucks in my pocket and started to look for a token, he said it was okay.  Those things made me feel so good.  It also helped me to realize how small gestures really do matter.  I also went to the Shelter today to pick up the gift basket I won and that was a good reminder that there are nice people in the world.

Weather:  It was actually a nice day out today.  It was a little chilly, but the sun was shining and overall it was a nice day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 33%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:21/ 7:09


August 2, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  This card doesn't look like the traditional five of cups and I'm not 100% sure that I understand the symbolism and how it relates

Book:  Regret, frustration, jealousy in a relationship, disappointment, legacy of failed expectations

Guidance:   Move past your legacy


This is an interesting card today as I software has blown up in my face.  People (i.e. some of our idiots in management) are trying to make this my fault, but I know it is not my fault.  First of all, some of the people who participated in the evaluation lied and chose I software because they thought it would be easier.  And management had the opportunity to pull the plug when they lied to us, but they failed.  They sat on their hands and didn't do a damn thing.

The thing is I'm already planning to leave so I don't really care what they think.  As long as I get another job, I'm going to sail on out of there.  I guess I view this card as saying F* you.  I still know what cups I am holding.  I really don't need all the BS that this company has to offer.  They are literally the most misogonystic company that I have ever worked for and I really and truly don't need their garbage.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today and it is my last day before PTO.  It was a strange day as apparently there are all these behind the scenes meetings about Intelex and apparently people are trying to scapegoat me.  

Weather:  It is nice out, not horribly hot.  I sat outside for about an hour with the doggos

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 21%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:20 / 8:44


 June 17, 2022

Deck:   Intuitive Dark Goddess

First Impressions:  Sunshine, happiness, light streaming through

Book:  Contrast, perspective, loss, gratitude, process

Guidance:   Accept the good and the bad as part of a greater whole


I needed this reminder that where there is bad, there is also good.  I have been so focused on the bad lately that I forget that there is good in this world.  There are people who are helpful and kind and who want to be there for others.  However, the good in this world doesn't sell newspapers so it isn't often spotlighted and when it is, it is spotlighted as something strange and out of the ordinary.  It is also so easy to get trapped into feeling like I want and need more.

I have enough and I am going to remember that.  I'm going to put my windchimes in the house so that I can start being a more positive person.  I think I will also drag out my gratitude journal and start writing in it every day.  Another thing I can do to start feeling better about the world is to start spending more time cleaning.  I know that I always feel better when I have a clean house.

Where I'm At:  I love summer Fridays.  I worked hard this morning, but I thoroughly enjoyed this afternoon.  I hung out with the dogs and just had a wonderful day.

Weather:  The weather was absolutely beautiful.  It wasn't too hot and it was a nice day for a drive.

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 78

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:04


 June 2, 2022

Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Grief, being overwhelmed, sadness, not looking at what is left

Book:  Mourning, loss, bitterness, regret, rejection

Guidance: Don't cry over spilt milk


My heart is breaking right now with anger, rage, grief, and sadness.  The world we live in is so broken.  It feels like the only safe place is at home with the doors locked.  I'm scared to go to the grocery store, I'm scared to go out in public, I'm just scared to exist because it feels like there are men with guns around every corner.  Unfortunately, I know this isn't a figment of my imagination as there have been over 250 mass shooting events this year.  Grocery stores, schools, work places, malls.  It seems like no place is safe.

Little kids go to school and never come home.  This is a card of crying and mourning and screaming.  It is a card about recognizing how horrible the world is, but picking up and going on.  It is about looking for ways to make a difference even when the world sucks.

Where:  I'm at home today

Weather:  It is getting to be those warm summer days where it is unbearably hot sometimes and other times when you are still, the breeze hits you and it feels so good.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 8%

Sunrise / Sunset: 


May 21, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Focusing on what is lost, an oh my expression.  Out in the wilderness when there is a castle not too far away

Book: Mourning, loss, bitterness, rejection

Guidance: Do not cry over spilled milk


Cam and I talked about John today while we were out and about and how every time anyone made a mistake or something broke it was personal for him.  Everything everyone did was all about him, when in reality it wasn't.  People made mistakes because people make mistakes and things break.  But it was always a big thing.  This came up because I made a wrong turn and Cam pointed out that we were able to just go on and move on, but John would have berated me for it.  It would have been all about how stupid I was for not paying attention.  We also talked about how he really had no friends because once people saw how horrible he was, they dumped him.  

Of course, this triggered flashbacks for me and I was thinking about the time he beat me with a baseball bat and wondering if I should have called the cops.  I've always told myself that I didn't call the cops because I didn't want him to go to jail, but I'm realizing that that is not the truth.  I was terrified that if I called the cops, he would get out and he would kill me or the kids.  Calling the police on a domestic abuser can be deadly as he is angry and embarrassed and blames the victim.  I think the real truth of the matter is that I didn't trust the police and was afraid that if I called them, it would be worse or they would not believe me.  What I am realizing is that I did what I needed to do to live and survive.  Calling the police could have been deadly for me.

The other truth is that even 10 years ago, people did not believe victims of intimate partner violence and they blamed the victim or the abuser was able to talk his way out of it and escape punishment.  I need to let go of thinking that I let him off the hook and start realizing that I very likely saved my life and the life of the kids.  He is a dangerous and violent person, especially when crossed.

I guess this card makes me think of that because I was so bitter and angry at myself for so long for not putting him in jail and that bitterness was eating me up, but when I look at it from the perspective of a survivor, I feel better about myself.

Where: Clam and I drove down to Chagrin Falls to Yours Truly for Breakfast and it was awesome to get out together and have a nice meal.  Of course, eating breakfast made us hungry for the rest of the day.  It rained in the afternoon / evening and it was so cozy to sit in front of the window and listen to the rain.

Weather:  It was actually a really nice day in the morning, but it stormed in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 64%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:59 / 8:45


April 4, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, life force draining away

Book:  Grieving, disillusion, disappointment, wallowing, self pity, a broken heart

Guidance:  Dismantle your grief and reclaim your happiness


Wow!  This card hit the nail on the head for me today.  I am grieving the life that I really want:  a life with someone to walk by my side.  There are a lot of benefits to being alone and not being accountable to someone, but the downside is that I'm lonely.  My kids are great and it is nice to not be totally alone, but I want someone to flirt with and to be an adult with.  I want someone who I'm not responsible for.  And I don't know how to get that in my life.  A lot of the times I feel so alone and awkward and geeky.

It also feels like I spent all my energy doing shit I don't care about.

Where: I'm sitting at home in the living room after going to Metro Health for Open Table.  It actually felt really good to get out and interact with people.

Weather:  It was a reasonably nice day out today.  I went out this afternoon and it was about 50 so I was able to just wear a jacket.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 10%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 am / 7:55 pm


February 17, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  La Larona, sadness, bereft, crying

Book:  Self pity, guilt, regret, stagnation, depression

Guidance:  Learn from your regret or it will be useless


Interesting card to pull today as I am depressed.  It just feels like everything in the world is so overwhelming.  It's raining today and it makes the sadness in the air almost palpable.  The message of this card is to learn from regrets, but I'm not sure which regrets to learn from.  I have worked through most of my regrets and most of my sadness, so I'm not sure what I need to learn.  

However, I am feeling sorry for myself today as I really don't like my job.  It's boring and I feel like all I am doing is serving capitalism.  I don't feel like I am helping people at all and that is not a good feeling.  I want a job that lets me change the world and I don't have that.  All I am doing is helping a bloated company make more money.  I've always wanted a job where I help save the world and I don't think I've eve really had it.  when I worked for the Air Force, I was helping the military industrial complex and now I'm helping capitalism.

Where I'm At: I'm home this week.

Mood: I'm sad

Weather:   It's cold and rainy and it is supposed to snow later

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:18 AM / 6:02 PM


August 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Bleak, sadness, grieving

Book:  Wandering in a bleak landscape, bridge leading back to fullness

Guidance: Grieve for what is lost, but acknowledge what still remains


I'm so tired of being constantly angry and sad.  It feels as if those are my only two emotions and I'm struggling to keep the anger from coming out at inappropriate times.  This feels a lot like when I was married when I was just so angry and sad all the time.  However, I also know that anger and sadness also masquerade as fear and I'm terrified this mother fucker is going to get off and I know that Cam says that she just wants it over, but I know she'll be devastated if he gets off.  And I know that I'm going to want to attack him and kill him right there in the courtroom.  My hate rage is so overpowering.  I just want him eviscerated and eliminated from the planet.  I want to pound his fucking head into the pavement until it is a bloody pulp.  However, I also know that he's not worth going for jail for.  He is a piece of garbage and even if he gets off, the court of karma will catch up with him.

I'm feeling sad, scared, angry, guilty, and a whole host of other emotions that I don't even know how to name.  All I know is that I'm going to just have to keep turning it over and eventually it will get better.  Turning it over really is the only thing that helps.

I'm grateful that Cam is doing okay
I'm grateful for the nice weather
I'm grateful for not blowing up at anyone today
I'm grateful for being safe and snug in my hotel room
I'm grateful for standing up for myself
I'm grateful there are jobs to apply for
I'm grateful for the support from our internal team
I'm grateful for Vince's email
June 12, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Not appreciating what you have

Book:  Keen disappointment and regret when we realizing something is slipping away

Guidance:  Let go of things that are not working out, be gentle with yourself, beyond this place lies new hope


I was feeling really unappreciative of what I have today.  I have plenty of work to keep me busy and I know that I need to proceed slowly and not get in over my head, but I'm busy thinking about all the projects we have that don't have OCM on them.  I was focusing on what I don't have and how our organization doesn't really support what I do.  I feel as if it is me continuing to fight uphill and that's a really frustrating place to be in.  However, what I should focus on is that I get the opportunity to go in and do something that is mostly fun everyday and I get paid a whole lot of money to do it.

A lot of the problem is that I'm not happy with doing the same thing over and over and over and I don't really feel as if what I do makes a difference in the world.  I want to make a difference and I want to change people's lives and I don't do that now.  All I do is help company's make more money and that's not a lot of fun.  However, the job that I have is teaching me skills that I will need to move into a role I want which is in culture and diversity.  I have to work to change my mindset from focusing on what I don't have to focusing on what I do have.  Sometimes that's hard to do and I get caught up in loss and forget to feel gratitude for what I have.

At the heart of it, this card is about being grateful for the blessings in our lives.  There is always loss in our lives, but if we are able to open our hearts and be grateful for what we have, life will flow much better and we will be much more able to appreciate the good stuff that we have.

I love the line "beyond this place lies new hope."  That is such a wonderful reminder to let go of what we can no longer have and be ready to embrace the new.  I've learned that to embrace the new, I have to mourn what I'm letting go of.  Sometimes we think we can just let go of things, but it is important to have the mourning period that helps us to let go.

November 12, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  pulled reversed

First impressions:
  Appreciate what you have

Book:  Return and restoration of hope after recent losses, situation is beginning to turn, feelings of hopefullness

Guidance: Be hopeful, let go of the wounds


There are two meanings of this card reversed and I am torn as to which one is more suitable.  One is about the restoration of hope and the other is about the utter loss of hope.  There is a part of me that feels hope being restored and ready to move and the other that feels devastated and as if I have no hope at all.  Dinner was wonderful, but I still ended up sleeping alone and that hurts.  I really and truly want the real deal and I am not sure if I will ever get it and that is devastating.

September 1, 2018

It's been almost two years since I wrote this and I'm not even sure who I went to dinner with.  LOL.  I still want the real deal, but I have learned a lot in the last two years about the value of being alone and the value of my independence.  I've realized that if I had gotten with anyone right after John and I broke up that it would have been a disaster.  I was so broken that I would have trashed any relationship with my neediness.

I've come to value myself so much in the last few years and I've learned how to talk myself out of the bad places when I need to.  I've learned to take a step back and evaluate what is real and what's not.  I find that my thoughts take me down into a deep dark place sometimes, but I can also use my thoughts to get myself out of that deep dark place and back to a place of hope. 

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