Tuesday, September 13, 2022

The Lovers

September 12, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the almost yin and yang type symbolism of this card with the tattoos.

Book:  Harmony is within me, wafting with open arms.  Alignment with my Truth is all that I need.

Guidance:   Align with your own truth

Journaling:

It is really hard to align with my own truth when I have bills to pay.  My truth isn't working for a big company, it is helping people find their way in this world.  It is addressing the true people side of things and not just the people side of things so people can keep their jobs.  

I really need to find a way to pay off my house and my bills so that I can do something I'm truly interested in.  Maybe the first piece of that is in sitting down and spending some time detailing exactly what my truth is and exactly what I want.  If I an write it out, it will be way easier to manifest it.

Where I'm At:  I started my new job today and I think I'm going to like it.  It is a huge job and I'm super excited about what I'll be doing.  I started the day at home and drove to Erie to spend some time.

Weather:  It was nice and cool today and a little bit overcast.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 95%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:56/7:36

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 9, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the old fashioned nature of this card as it speaks to courting and not lust.  It is romantic and old fashioned and it just makes me happy to look at it.

Book:  Attraction, relationship, lover and beloved, Harmonious beauty, desire, partnership, romance and attachment

Guidance:   Make the right choice

Journaling:

What's interesting to me about looking at these cards is that the focus has changed from choices to love as the cards have evolved from the original RWS.  Maybe Pamela Coleman Smith realized that determining who to have a relationship with is the most complicated choice of all.  I know my choice of John to get married to was a bad choice, but I had been so sheltered in my life that I didn't see the red flags and there were plenty of them.  He already had two DUIs by the time we met, he'd been abandoned by women, and he was living with his mother.  Those are all really big red flags, but I didn't have enough life experience to see them that way and I listened to his lies and his "Poor Me" tales of woe. 

My bigger mistake may have been staying so long, but I'm not sure.  The most dangerous time for a woman is leaving her abuser and if I had left earlier, I could have ended up dead or the kids could have.  I don't think he would have hurt Sean, but I know he didn't value Cam and was always suspicious that she wasn't his.  And every time I talked about leaving, he guilted me and said that I was just like everyone else and was going to leave him.  He manipulated me into staying and to this day I'm not sure why.  I don't know what he got out of my staying when he was clearly as unhappy as I was.  

However, there is also the possibility that he would have been fine with me walking away and not turned violent, but he could have sued for custody and my kids would have been more screwed up than they are if he had won.  He is one of the most unstable people that I have ever met and his emotional bullshit would have harmed them.

I don't know what the right answer is and I guess it really doesn't matter because I made the choice that I made.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today and I slept late and cuddled with Wendy before getting up.  It is my last day of PTO and I don't want to go back to work.  I'm realizing that I have no desire to go back into an office on a regular basis.  I like working at home and that means I'm going to look for an all remote job.

Weather:  It rained over night and it is cold and a little wet outside, but at least it is not ungodly hot like it has been the past few days

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 90%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:27/ 8:35

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 21, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Dark Goddess

Card Name:  The Wayfarer

First Impressions:  Indian, circle of lights, snake, apples

Book:  Love, Harmony, Values, Self-Love, Choice

Guidance:   Experience begets self respect

Journaling:

Experience begets self respect is an interesting thought and it is bringing up a lot for me today.  I know that I deserve everything I have because I have worked hard for it.  However, there is such a big part of me that feels like a sell out and like I sold out for money.  Then I realize that since it is just me paying the bills, I need to make what I make.  There is no one else to support me and I need to make sure I have enough.  I hate having to make money based decisions and I wish I could make heart based decisions, but I can't right now.  

What I can do is look to see if there are decisions I can make that will make me the same money and let me move into a job that makes me happy and gives me satisfaction.  I want to work with people that I respect and do work that is interesting.  I am going to do some praying and reflecting and figure out what I want in a job.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and it was a rough day.  We had our Intelex meeting and as usual they didn't really make a decision.  I want out so bad.

Weather:  It was super hot out today.  It cooled off in the evening, but it was bad earlier.

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter, 46%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:05

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

May 8, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Love, not lust.  approving angel, not a choice

Book:  Relationship, love, union, healing, duality, communication, choice required

Guidance: Where love abounds, temptation is found

Journaling:

Initially, I thought this was a super weird card to pull on Mother's Day, however, as I reflect on it, it makes perfect sense.  Love is the ultimate choice and it is a choice we make every day when we are in a relationship.  We actively choose to be kind, we actively choose which behavior is acceptable, and we actively choose how we behave.  Unfortunately, my mother screwed up my brain on this because she modeled accepting unacceptable behavior over and over and over.  I will never forget how hurt she was when Grandma ignored her.  However, she chose to keep going back again and again.  And she taught me that that was the only choice.

Although it took me a long time, I learned that love doesn't mean accepting abuse.  I learned that I was worth more than that and that once I started to love myself, I realized I did not have to accept unacceptable behavior and that included from her.  The thing is that she had a choice as well, once I told her what behavior I found unacceptable, she could have chosen to apologize and work to change her behavior.  However, she chose to dig in and her heels and double down on her shitty behavior.  She made a choice that maintaining her current worldview and shitty behavior was more important than having her family.  And I know change is hard and that it is scary to say I'm wrong, but she had that choice and I have a choice to and I choose not to have anything to do with her because she is abusive and harmful.

Where:  It's Mother's Day and Seano is cooking breakfast.  The dogs are chilling and I'm just sitting here and reflecting.  

Weather:  It is beautiful and bright out

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 45

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:12 am / 8:32 am

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 1, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Marraige of dark and light, passion, joining together.  While most lovers cards are about choices, this one seems to be truly about lovers.

Book:  Choices, duality, harmony, allowing yourself to fall in love

Guidance:   Seek to give wholly, while maintaining yourself

Journaling:

 This card is asking if I am ready to be fully in a relationship without losing myself and I don't know the answer to that question.  I have spent the last 12 years working to figure out who I am and I actually have begun to like myself and to be comfortable in my own skin.  I'm afraid that if I am with someone I will lose myself again.  It cost me so much to be with John as I gave up so much of my core being to conform to his warped ideas of what I should be.  Apparently, my whole role was to conform completely to what he wanted and to give up all of myself,  It extended down to the underwear I wore and how I spent my time.  He never gave up anything for me, but I was supposed to give up everything.  He was so resentful that we went to Japan and I had a good career.  He wanted to make me pay for my success at every turn.  And I did.

I've become my own person and there is a part of me that is afraid of getting involved and losing myself.  I have to figure out how to be in a relationship and continue to be my own person.

Where: I'm at home on the couch while Wendy chews a bone and Clark chills out.

Weather: It was super windy today and my office was freezong.

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:09 am / 7:52 pm

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

February 10, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Beauty and the beast, loving one who is other

Book:  Love, harmony, trust, a leap of faith, choice

Guidance:  Importance of communication

Journaling:

I love my Wendy bear so much.  She is my heart dog and my heart is breaking watching her lay lethargically on he floor.  I know part of it is because we gave her the gabepentin last night to help her sleep and reduce the agitation, but part of it is because she is in pain and doesn't feel well.  I would so much rather it was me laying on the floor than her.  The good thing is that the vet should be able to fix her up and I know she is overall healthy because she was just seen not too long ago.  It just hurts when someone you love is in pain and you can't do anything about it.  

And this is part of the reason I keep working even though I'm not thrilled with my job.  I know that I can pay for x-rays and whatever else she needs.  It would be so horrible to have a sick dog and not be able to take them to the vet because you couldn't afford it.  And I will sacrifice whatever I have to to get her feeling better.


Where I'm At:  I'm at home today.  I'm sitting on the couch and my poor baby is laying on the floor.  her ear hurts and she can't walk on one of her paws.  I'm not sure what is up with that, but it may have something to do with the kerfuffle she got into with her brother.

Mood:  I am worried about my baby, sad that she is hurting, and furious at Cam for not taking care of the doggos on Tuesday when we left her home alone with them.  She gave them brand new bones, which they always scuffle over, then blithefully went to sleep.

Weather:   It is cold and crisp and a little bit overcast this morning.  The temperature is 37 and we are expecting some snow today.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 68%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:28 PM / 5:54 PM

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 4, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Entwined

Book:  Love can inspire us to grow beyond our boundaries

Guidance:  Choose what to do with the energy

Journaling

Love of all sorts has been on my mind lately as I digest the latest bomb that my mother threw my way.  However, I'm reading the book Shadow Daughter:  A Memoir of Estrangement and it is helping me so much as I'm realizing that I'm not alone and I'm realizing that there are other people who have estranged themselves from their families because of poor treatment.  Some of the stories included in that book really are helping me to realize that I am not alone and that there are other people who walked away because their families made them feel less than.  The book also touched on a lot of the shame that comes around estrangement as we are so wired to be part of a family and we are taught from the time we can walk that families matter and that we should be there for our families.

As much as my mother was the one that did the most damage, I'm starting to realize how much my father contributed to damaging my soul as he taught me that your elders were to be respected no matter what.  It didn't seem to matter how horrible my grandmother treated my mother, she continued to go back for more and she taught me that it was okay for people you love to abuse you and that unconditional love was taking the abuse no matter what.  That's an ugly horrible lesson to learn and one that I have worked hard to not teach my kids.  I think the issue is that my dad grew up with garden variety crazy and he didn't have anyone in his family who was truly evil and when you just have garden variety crazy, the advice to respect your elders makes sense.  However, when you have evil and mean it does not.

Love is one of the hardest lessons in the world because we want to love unconditionally, but we still need to protect ourselves and that is a tremendously difficult dichotomy to understand.  I'm starting to realize that true love can hurt as we are all human beings, but true love should not demoralize or be physically abusive.  True love should always be respectful and the other person's feelings should always matter.  That doesn't mean we don't inadvertently say hurtful things, but we should not set out to demoralize the other person and put them in their place.  I believe true love is about helping the other person to soar and making decisions that are in their best interests.  There may be times when that doesn't happen, but overall we should work to help the other person be their best.  And when we truly have that loving environment, we can soar and we can move beyond our boundaries.

Gratidues

I'm grateful for the call with Jamie
I'm grateful for the support of the team
I'm grateful for the wonderful walk
I'm grateful for the yummy Mexican
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for getting work done


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 5, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:
 Entwined, enmeshed, oblivious to the world around them

Book:  Union, harmony with others and within ourselves

Guidance:  Be deliberate in your choices, give of yourself without losing yourself

Journaling

And that is the quintessential question, how to give of yourself without losing yourself.  I believe that is the reason that I'm terrified of falling in love again as I don't know if I can give of myself without losing myself and I have fought so hard to find myself and to define myself that I'm terrified of losing myself again.  The last week has brought some deep revelations into my life and I feel as if I'm another step closer to being truly myself.  What I'm finding is that one of the ultimate questions in my life surrounding love is being open to loving myself.  I feel as if I've spent most of my life focused on my flaws instead of my attributes.  I've also always been way too willing to put myself down and allow myself to take a backseat to other people in my life.

It has only been recently that I've started to view myself as a valuable person with something to offer the world and as someone who deserves to live a good life.  Most of my life I've bought into the belief that I was somehow not deserving of the good stuff in life and that I should be grateful for the scraps I received.  However, my thinking has changed lately and I realize that I do deserve a seat at the table and that I should not be grateful for scraps. 

Finding this unity and self acceptance has really helped me to truly love myself and maybe at the heart of it, that's what this card is about, being able to love the disparate parts of ourselves.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful I got back to my hotel at a reasonable hour
I'm grateful for the pictures of Wendy
I'm grateful for a good night's sleep
I'm grateful for getting my work done

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
November 10, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Choices and love

Book:  Make good and balanced choices, consider all facts before making a choice

Guidance:  Don't rush into decisions, live a passionate life

Journaling:

This card is about making choices.  For me, I'm reading it about choices for love and I need to get the old voices out of my head and let go of my fat as a protective mechanism and that's kind of a scary thought.  However, along with letting go of the fat, I'm going to work to pick up some self defense skills and I'm buying a taser.  that will help me feel safer.

July 5, 2019

So I didn't take the self defense courses, but I have started doing loving kindness meditations and they are helping me to feel so much better about myself overall.  I feel like I have a lot more confidence and I'm happier in my head.  That's helping me to be more confident in my body and my clothes are really starting to be a lot looser.  I haven't noticed the number on the scale moving, but I am moving more and I'm just feeling better about myself.  I also notice that when I am feeling more confident and calmer, I make better food choices.  Although it hurt like hell the time, I know that splitting from John was the best thing that ever happened to me.  It let me start to see what I am capable of on my own.  At first it was really just a glimmer, but now I know that I can have the life i want and do the things I want without someone to rescue me.

That doesn't necessarily mean I am choosing not to have a relationship.  Instead, I am choosing to love myself and know that the relationship that is right for me will come along when I'm ready.  And until them,  I'm just going to hang out and love myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Popular Posts