Saturday, September 10, 2022

Queen of Wands

 September 9, 2022


Deck: 
 The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Flower of Wands

First Impressions:  I love this card.  The Raven is so queenly and so in control of her domain.

Book:  I share my creative magic with the world around me.  I make my own way and I thrive.

Guidance:   My inner knowing moves me through the world with self respect and confidence.

Journaling:

I love this card and what it represents.  It is about being unabashedly myself and being who I really am.  And sending that letter to Brian was an act of courage.  I know there are people who will think that it was blowing up the bridge, but I'm tired of not speaking my truth.  My email was not abusive or rude and I spoke my truth.  The part that I have to realize is that my job was to send the email, his job is to receive it.  Whether or not he receives it, is not my problem.  And whether or not he gets upset about it, is not my problem.  

There are so many lessons I'm realizing lately.  The first is that I do not need to be grateful to a company for having a job.  That is an exchange of energy.  They do not give me a job out of the goodness of their heart.  They give me a job and pay my salary because I am good at what I do and they need me.  We get so caught up in not burning bridges and leaving on good terms, that we give way too much power to the employer.  I am a valuable resource and Asshat did not treat me well.  I have a right to speak my mind.  If I was getting fired, they would tell me what I did that was unacceptable, so I am within my purview to tell him exactly what I think.  And if the bridge is burned, so be it.  

Where I'm At:  It is my last day at Nestle and I took my computer in and dropped it off.  I also left a book titled Bad Leadership in the common area with a big sticky with asshole's name on it.  My hope is that it will sit there until someone gives it to him.  I know super passive aggressive, but it gave me a little thrill.  I also wrote him an email that blasted him for being a very poor leader.  Best part of the email is that he now knows I complained about him to HR.  I'm sure that nothing will come of it, but it felt good and that's all that matters.  Part of the reason that it felt so good is that I channeled my inner Medusa and spoke my truth.

Weather:  It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside.  The temperature is perfect and the sun is shining just enough.  I had so much fun driving to Solon with the roof down and the music blaring.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:59 / 7:47


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August 8, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Queen of Batons

First Impressions:  I love this card as she really looks like what I would think of when I think about a queen.  She has the red and ermine robes and a wand / scepter.  However, it is a like weird that her wand is "just" a branch and not more fancy.  I also love her green slippers.

Book:  Chatelaine, Mistress of the House, country woman, independent

Guidance:   Own your sovereignty

Journaling:

Interesting reading today as I had not connected Nephthys with any specific tarot card until today.  The use of the term Mistress of the House in this reading really struck me as that is one of the terms used to refer to Nephthys.  Her life mirrors mine in some ways as she was also married to an abusive man and she became the mistress of the house.  I think one of the reasons that I rejected Nephthys when she first came to me was because she was an independent and solo woman and I never wanted to be solo.  I thought I needed a man to survive and the idea of being independent was incredibly scary.  I had been raised to believe that I should think about a career only if I ended up alone.  That should not be my first priority.

However, the funny thing about that is that I never wanted to be supported by a man.  I always wanted to take care of myself and I think that in some ways that doomed my marriage because John's ego was destroyed when I started making significantly more than him.  The worst periods in our marriage were when I made a lot more than him.  That should have clued me in, but it didn't.  It was the 80s and 90s and I had been brought up to believe that the man should make more than the woman so I accepted that his ego was more important than my self esteem.

In some ways, life has come full circle because now I don't know if I even want to be with someone.  I like my independence and I like not having to consult with someone on life choices.  There are times it would be nice to have someone to hang out with, but I like not having to "answer to someone."

Where I'm At:  It's the penultimate day of my PTO and I'm sitting here in the still messy living room thinking about the things I got done and the things I didn't.  I've gotten the wood room mostly cleaned up, made progress on my bedroom, but the kitchen and dining room are still a mess.  However, I just keep reminding myself that I'm doing the best that I can.

Weather:  It is warm outside and it's gonna rain.  The funny thing is that it is not too humid out, but it still looks like rain.  The wind is also picking up.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 82

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:26/ 8:36

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 July 11, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess tarot

First Impressions:  I love her dress and this card reminds me of strength with the lion beside her.  I also love how the raven is looking at her

Book:  Fortitude, Energy, Autonomy, Integration, Light Your Fire and Others

Guidance:   Trust yourself and your intuition

Journaling:

This card is a reminder that my life is my own and that I am the main character in my own life.  I can set an example and help others, but ultimately I need to make decisions about my life based on my own self interest.  If staying at the Nest is in my own best interest even though Bitch M is a horrible person, my job is to figure out how to let go of all her bullshit

I need to consider all the aspects of leaving the Nest and do what is right for me.  I need to claim my sovereignty and let go of the need to please everyone and live my life for others.

Where I'm At:  It was a travel day today and it was miserable.  I was supposed to get to KC about 6:30, but because of travel delays I didn't get there until almost 5.  I was stuck at the Dallas Airport for five hours as my flight was cancelled.  I was utterly dead on my feet by the time I arrived.

Weather:  The weather was awesome when I left Cleveland as it was just warm and not super hot, but it was hot and muggy when I got to KC about midnight.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 92

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:01 / 9:02

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January 22, 2022
 

Deck: 
 Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions: Joy, Confidence, Moving forward

Book:  Optimism, independence, confidence, passion, verve

Guidance:  Be a creative force for expansion

Journaling

I'm realizing that a lot of the angst I'm feeling right now is that I feel like I have my hands tied and am constrained in my actions.  There is that concern about "making a scene" or not being nice, but people are allowed to walk all over me.  I'm looking at some scenarios over the last few months and how I could have handled them:

M, the bitch face, demanding I meet with her.  In reality,  all I needed to do was to say no once and then quit answering her emails.  I didn't need to engage.  However, I was raised to be nice and respond so I tried again to say no.  I should have just said no, declined the meetings, and ignored her emails.

T, the ass, baiting me.  My boss got it right when he said he was baiting me and I should have let it go. 

At the end of the day the f*wads are not my boss and I don't report to them.  I started to say the key was getting them to complain about me, but that's not the key.  The key is choosing to respond or not and I should respond once, then let it go.  I need to rise about their garbage.  Unless they work for me and I am in a position to discipline them directly, I just need to rise above.

The problem is rising above is more suited to the Queen of Swords that the fiery queen of wands.  The queen of wands fits my scorpio nature and wanting to have a scorched earth policy.  Maybe what I need to do is do a reading on the solution and see what the cards have to say.
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September 6, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Strength, wildness

Book:  Inspires and leads others to their own creativity and power

Guidance:  Recognize your own worth and  radiate it to others

Journaling

One of the things I'm most proud of over the past 8 years is that I have started to really claim and own my value.  After so many years of being beaten down by my mother, then John, I had really started to believe that I had no worth or value other than what I could do for others.  I automatically assumed everyone else's opinions about me were valid and I had no worth of my own.  Even though there were times when I would call people who had feedback stupid, I always took it to heart and it eroded a little bit of my soul.  However, since leaving John, I've started to realize that I do have worth and value just for being me and that I can choose to accept someone else's opinion of me or I can choose to disagree.

Today was an interesting day as Scott had given me feedback that OV did not think I was a cultural fit for their organization.  Instead of letting myself be devalued and viewing myself as defective, I was able to own my strength and own my value and realize that this was not a value judgement and that it did not mean I did not have worth and value.  Instead it is about being a fit for a situation and even though I disagree with how they want their project to be run and even though I would advise them differently, ultimately it is your choice and I would rather know now than to get into the project and have clashes.  This lets me move on and work with clients who do value me and my approach and them find someone who fits for their culture.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the time Cleary spent with us
I'm grateful Cam is not totally freaking out about this
I'm grateful for the strawberry shortcake
I'm grateful I have money to buy expensive cakes
I'm grateful that I've started to claim my power

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July 13, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Card:  Sibyl of Wands

First Impressions:  Wendy, contentment, soaking up the sun, planning

Book:  Fires of the hearth, loyalty, generous, passion, strong will, and self confidence

Guidance:  Know you have chosen the right path

Journaling

This card makes me think of my Wendy with her beautiful face tilted to the sun.  She is kind, compassionate, and generous just like the Queen of Wands.  What I love about this card is that she is sitting there content in the sun, but you can feel the passion even as she sits in the sun.  This is also a good reminder to me that passion doesn't always have to be frenetic, sometimes passion can be knowing what you want and sitting there and waiting to receive.  This Sibyl is definitely sitting there waiting to receive and she knows she will receive.  As I look at this card, I'm reminded of the Psalm that says there is a time for everything.  There is definitely a time to be actively chasing your goals and doing the work required to get them, but there is also a time to sit back and receive and know that you have done the hard work required and that now you need to wait.

I love this give and take and it is such a good reminder that sometimes we do need to step back and let the wonderful things that the world has to offer come into our laps.  Sometimes we are recognized and all our hard work pays off and boom we receive what we need.  I know that I will move into academia and I will do the research to tie OCM and spiritual/cultural competence together.  I feel it in my bones that that is what I'm meant to do, but I just don't know how.  The Sibyl of Wands is telling me that it is okay to sit back and wait to receive.  This is the same message that I've gotten from other cards that sometimes we have to do the work, then wait to receive.
Gratitudes

Walking at North Chagrin with the dogs
Hanging out at home and just chilling
Reading
Watching Anthony Bourdain
Lunch with the kids
Snuggling with Wendy
Sleeping Late

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November 14, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Loss of will

Book:  Someone destructive, limits freedom of others, rules by jealousy and possessiveness, self doubt, squashed enthusiasm, disapproval, loss of hope and self esteem, exhausted

Journaling

There are a lot of ways to read this card.  The one that most resonates with me is the loss of hope and less of energy.  That's really where I'm at today.  I feel as if I have truly lost hope.  It doesn't help that my energy level is really low and I feel like I'm drowning.  I also am sad and feel as if I've lost my self confidence.   It feels as if I will never have the happiness that I want.

July 6, 2019

I have learned so much since the day that I wrote that.  I have finally learned that my happiness is my responsibility.  It is my job to choose how I will respond to every situation that comes into my life.  I have learned that I shouldn't wait for happiness until I have love, until I meet someone, until I lose weight, etc.  I can choose to be happy in the moment.  I can choose to be happy even though the house isn't spotless and I don't weight my idea weight.  I can choose to be happy even though work isn't perfect.  Happiness truly is a choice.

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