Monday, September 19, 2022

Page of Cups

 September 18, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Seed of Cups

First Impressions:  I love this card as it is relaxed and fun, just like the otters.  It reminds me of seeing otters in California.

Book:  I am playful in my exploration of intuition and emotions

Guidance:   Freely engage with your feelings

Journaling:

This is a really interesting card as it is hard for me to engage with my positive feelings.  I'm realizing that I spend a lot of time assuming that the other shoe will drop or that something bad will happen.  I realized recently that I really do spend a lot of time borrowing trouble and I need to stop doing that.  I need to let go of my expectations that bad things are going to happen.  The thing is that most of the time, bad things don't happen to me.  And I waste a whole lot of time worrying about things that may not ever happen.

I did this my last week at Nestle when I worried about PPL pulling their job offer.  I was so freaked out that it wasn't going to happen.  I had to keep stepping back and reminding myself that there was nothing I could do and that I could not control the situation.  All I could do is sit back and maintain my own serenity.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and just chilling out.  I went to the store and got some food for dinner, ate lunch outside, and had a generally good day.

Weather:  It was beautiful outside.  A little bit warm, but generally nice.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 14%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:08 / 7:32

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June 26, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Nymph of Cups

First Impressions:  Venus de Milo, weird fish in the middle of the image

Book:  Possibility, intuitive messages, unseen worlds, creative inspiration

Guidance:   Start from where you are

Journaling:

I'm realizing that compassion is a hard thing as having compassion can make you too willing to understand and open your heart to people who are not worthy.  Compassion can make it easy to make excuses for people who don't deserve it.  However, I think my understanding of compassion is wrong because I have always viewed compassion as excusing people for their wrong-headed beliefs.  

I am starting to believe that true compassion and understanding is about meeting people where they are, but enforcing boundaries and helping people to understand that they are free to have their beliefs, but they cannot force those beliefs on others.  That is a little harder.

Where I'm At:  I'm sitting in the living room with the window open and I can hear the birds chirping outside.  Clark is snoring away beside me and Wendy is upstairs hanging with Sean.  It's a very calm and peaceful morning, but I'm a little frustrated with Sean as he came in and put his dishes on the counter instead of actually starting a load.  I get he's exhausted working third shift, but that was really rude.

Weather:  It is absolutely beautiful outside.  It is just a little bit chill and to be honest it feels more like fall than summer, but I'm perfectly okay with that.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 6%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:52 / 9:05

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 May 29, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Surprise at the fish in the cup, flying fish

Book:  Subconscious, imagination, playful, immature

Guidance: Cats know how to fish by instinct alone

Journaling:

Where: I'm at home today.  We went out this morning to take the recycling and I'm planning to get the furniture out of the garage, but overall we're having a chill day.

Weather:  It is beautiful and sunny out.  A little chilly in the shade, but overall nice.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 am / 8:52 pm

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April 8, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  The feet are a little weird as I'm not sure why we are showing feet about his head.  Also, why is there a cup by the feet?  it seems he is being buffeted by the wind.

Book:  Dreamer, serendipity, what comes next, open and joyful heart

Guidance:  Be open to miracles

Journaling:

I love the idea of being open to miracles, but I have to admit that there is a part of me that doesn't believe in  miracles anymore.  How can I believe in a kind and just world when we have the atrocities happening in Afghanistan; the war on women in this country; and all of the rest.  When I think about what is happening in our world, I'm also ashamed of myself as I can't sustain my righteous indignation for long as it goes right back to just trying to get through each day.  It is so hard to care about the larger world when my own days are maddening and complicated.  

It is also extremely hard to have a joyful heart in this world.  However, in reading The Book of Joy, I'm realizing that Joy really is a choice.  Both the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu have had horrible things happen to them, but they still choose joy.  What I'm realizing is that joy comes when I am focusing on things outside of myself.  When I am focusing on helping people and of being in service.  And when I focus on the seemingly little things that make life good.  The look in Wendy's eyes when she snuggles with me, feeling Luke snuggle up against me, and making food for the kids.  I've been so busy lately, that I haven't made time for what is important.  I also overdid it with school this semester as I hadn't factored in how my life had changed since I took three courses before.  That is way easier to do when I'm traveling and in a hotel room.

Where: I pulled this card as I was chilling with the dogs after work.

Weather:  It is actually a decent day out.  A little rainy, but not horrible.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 43%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:58 am / 7:59 pm

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 February 13, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Card:  The bunny gives this card springlike energy and the entire card looks so hopeful and happy.  It is a card of happiness and joy.

First Impressions:  

Book:  Youthfulness, idealism, sensitivity, romance, spirituality

Guidance:  Be open, but also know when to have boundaries

Journaling:

Pulling this card today makes me feel happy because it is a card about openess and naivety and while I understand the need to have boundaries, I also know the heavy toll that it takes on me when I keep them up all the time.  It wears on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  That is why the message I got with my trauma work today was the ten of pentacles.  It is telling me to find my tribe.  To find a group of people that I can be open and honest with and that I can trust.  Not everyone is out to get me and if I find a group of people that I hang with on a regular basis, I will be able to let my shields down.

Where I'm At:  It's just a little past midnight and I'm sitting on the couch with my sweet Wendy girl next to me.  I usually don't do my blogging at midnight, but it feels right to write and reflect tonight.  I'm not sure why, but it does.  It has been a really rough week with Wendy having to go to the vet and the toilet overflowing, but we came through it and it is all going to be okay.

Mood:  I'm in a pretty good mood and feeling hopeful for the first time in a while.  I am tired and it is at least that super exhaustion you get after releasing trauma, but it feels good to release it and to work through the issues that are causing me pain.

Weather:   It is 18 degrees out and it will be snowing later today.  However, the good news is that it should be up to 52 degrees later this week.  Even though there is still snow on the ground, it is starting to feel like spring.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 84%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:23 am/5:57 pm

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January 5, 2022


Deck:  
Tarot of the Divine

Firt Impressions:  Happiness, playfulness, the moon

Book:  Idealism, playfulness, optimism, spirituality

Guidance:  Connect to your emotions and express yourself wholly

Journaling:  

Connecting to my emotions is difficult sometimes because I'm afraid of my emotions.  I'm afrarid that if I let myself feel everything I will be consumed by the darkness.  However, I know that bottling up my emotions is not the answer either as those emotions have to come out somehow.  Sometimes they come out as ugliness and anger.  

Right now I'm feeling so much anger toward Z. and how she makes work miserable.  She acts as if she is the boss and she's not.  However, the realitiy is that she is not the boss and I don't really have to listen to her.  She can squawk all she wants and I'm pretty much going to ignore her because she is an ignorant ass who thinks he knows everything and she isn't.  I have to be honest and say I have absolutely no respect for her as she tries to railroad and boss everyone around.  I'm not sure why I have let her get under my skin, but maybe it is because I used to be like her and think I had to control things to the nth degree, but then I realized that I don't and that I'm much happier when I just let things go.  I can show someone how to do something and if they don't want to do it, that's their business.  I also realize that as long as I show results, I'm not going to be micromanaged, especially by a little pissant.  I think everyone else has already realized that she is to be ignored.  She is not the boss and she can just go and suck it.

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July 29, 2019


Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Card Name:  Seer of Cups

First Impressions:  Contentment, secrets, working hard

Book:  Discovering self love and the genuine capacity to love another

Guidance:  Spend time alone journaling, dreaming, or exploring nature

Journaling

Today was a learning day for me as I realized that emotional intelligence doesn't mean I always think perfectly or don't think of acting in self defeating ways, but it means that I am self aware enough to pull back and look at the behavior and choose a different way.  I am one of the most impatient people on the earth and I want things to be settled immediately.  However, the truth of the matter is that the world does not revolve around me and things that I think are important and urgent are usually just important.

For me the Seer of Cups serves as a reminder that I can know all my flaws and still be able to love myself.  In the past, I've always beat myself up for every little flaw.  However, I've come to recognize that every single person on this planet is flawed and being flawed does not equate to being useful.  I can be flawed and still love myself.  And other people can be flawed and still be lovable.  Cam is the biggest slob on the planet and Sean gets hard headed and stubborn but I still love them.

The other challenge for me is that I don't take the time to show my body the love that it needs and eat healthy.  I am so tired all the time that eat sugar and other unhealthy foods in order to get some quick energy, that then triggers a downward spiral because that makes me sicker, but then I crave more sugar, etc, etc.  One of the things I really need to work on is understanding that giving in to my cravings is not being kind to myself, it is actually hurting me.



Gratitudes

I'm grateful that I got time to work today
I'm grateful for John's appreciation
I'm grateful for Scott's note
I'm grateful for the good call around ECP
I'm grateful for dinner with the kids
I'm grateful for a walk with the fam

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November 19, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotionally Immature

Book:  Posture of ease, superiority, and defiance, there may be apprehension under the confident mask

Guidance:  Be aware of assuming you know everything, realize you haven't considered everything

Journaling

This was me 29 years ago.  I was so sure that love would and could conquer everything.  I found out that wasn't the case and that sometimes love really is not enough.  What I also learned is that love has to be two sided and that both people have to be invested in a relationship for it to work.  Both of us were not invested in our relationship so it had no way of working.

November 20, 2017 Review

He emailed me this morning and suggested it would be a great time to market Whisper Alley.  However, I know that what he really meant was that I could do all the work and he could claim part of the glory.  I'm not up for that.  I will never again form any kind of partnership with him because it is never really a partnership.  He is intrinsically a taker and I do not need that in my life.  I need people in my life who understand that a partnership means a partnership.

November 8, 2018 Review

This is an interesting card today as one of the themes I am exploring for the next year is the concept of vulnerability and being vulnerable with myself and with others.  I'm realizing that I truly need to set boundaries around my space and I need to let other people in and let them help me.  I'm not very good at those things, but I'm realizing that I truly need to follow that path if I want to have a happy life.

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November 10, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional fluidity

Book:  Facing a moment of truth, convinced he knows best, feeling a little apprehensive

Guidance:  Be aware of assuming you know everything and ignoring advice.  Realize you don't know everything

Journaling

I love the guidance to listen and not assume that I know everything.  That's valuable advice.  I know I don't know everything when it comes to emotions and I need to take a step back and evaluate the situation and look at things from multiple angles.  Emotions are never as simple as A+B=C and I trip myself up when I assume they are. 

November 20, 2017 Recap

I need to love who I am.

October 27, 2018 Review

This card is so real and meaningful for me.  I am really bad about this when it comes to assessing, assuming how other people are behaving.  I ALWAYS make it all about me and the truth of the matter is that it is rarely all about me.  Most of the time, people have other things going on in their life that don't involve me at all.  I need to learn to just let go and trust that things will work out instead of assuming that they are not going to work out.  That is not helpful for me.

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