Wednesday, September 21, 2022

Empress

September 21, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  This card is beautiful.  I love the butterfly on the deer's antler and the birds on her back.  It shows that wonderful, loving mother energy without being in your face.

Book:  Abundance is ever present within me.  I am healthy.  I am wild and free.  I allow my blossoming.

Guidance:   Love your full self

Journaling:  

I love the reminder of this card to check in with myself and take care of myself.  I am not feeling well today.  My throat is starting to hurt and I am just feeling rotten.  Since it is only my second week on a new job, I know that I need to work today, but it is okay to take it slow and just get through what needs to be done.  I'm realizing that that is okay and it is okay if work ebbs and flows as it needs to be based on demand.  No one can expect me to be 100% all the time.

That's also why I'm cutting down on the nurturing and not making dinner 7 nights a week.  It is so hard to make dinner on the nights that Seano works late so I'm not going to do that anymore.  He actually does a nice job of making dinner for himself and packing it so I'm going to start nurturing by enabling that behavior instead of doing the hands on nurturing.  In some ways, that is a different kind of nurturing as it is nurturing someone to be a grown up instead of hands on nurturing.  This type of nurturing is hard for me as it is much easier for me to be hands on.  However, as Sean has pointed out multiple times, that kind of nurturing is infantilizing and destructive.

Where I'm At:  I'm taking a break for lunch as I'm trying to be better about taking care of and nurturing my body at the same time that I nurture my brain.  I've also realized that I struggle when I try to push too hard.  I've been super exhausted lately and I really need to take care of my body and not push too hard.  I'm going to try using my lunch break to do my tarot and rosary so it is a little spiritual break as well as a food break.

Weather:  It was raining this morning, but it looks like it has dried up and although it is gray, it looks like the sun may start shining soon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 18%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:11 / /7:26

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July 3, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Fertility, fecund, life giving, supportive, part of the mountain

Book:  Nature, Abundance, Bounty, Fertility

Guidance:   Start creating the spaces and experiences you feel called to and destined for

Journaling:

I love this reminder about creating the spaces and experiences I feel called to and destined for.  I've been doing that with my research and my book as I've been working on both.  It has been slow going because i am so tired all the time, but I am working a little at a time to make progress.  There are days it really does feel achingly slow, but every little bit is moving me forward.  I also know that magick happens when you take real world action and do the magick so I'm doing both.  It isn't easy and there are times I wonder why I do it, but it gives me satisfaction and I guess that is enough.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today and I'm exhausted.  Wendy woke me up early and I just couldn't get back to sleep.  I took a nap, but I didn't get good sleep.

Weather:  It is hot.  It was cool early this morning and Wendy wouldn't even sit outside, but it got really hot.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 17%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:55 / 9:05

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April 11, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Peace, calm, creativity, beauty, being open to possibilities

Book:  Nurturance, growth, potential, pleasure, fertility, nature

Guidance:  Abundance blooms in joyful expressions

Journaling:

It is so interesting as I read a story from a friend right before I pulled this card about her daughter who was living with extended family.  My initial reaction to the story was negative, but I pulled this card and the Lady said very clearly to me "Love Blooms and Multiplies."  It was such a very clear message and made me feel bad about always being cynical and assuming that people are out to take advantage.  Being with John and being Charlene's daughter made me see everything in a negative perspective.  There are good people out there and everyone who wants or asks for help is not taking advantage.  That is my perspective because of how I was raised, but it does not mean that it is reality.  

The other message from this card for me is to open my heart and to let love bloom.  I am so closed off and my heart is so closed.  I feel like I am dying inside.  I have to figure out how to open my heart and trust people.  The one good thing is I feel like my connection to THEM is reopening and I am becoming more connected.

Where:  I'm in Modesto today and I spent the day working out of my hotel room.  There is something so nice about being cloistered in a hotel room and not having to deal with all the drama and stuff of being at home.  I have to figure out how to replicate that feeling at home.

Weather:  The weather is absolutely beautiful today.  It is a little bit windy, but the sun is out and shining and it just feels spectacular.  I know it is rainy and cold at home, but I feel so good just soaking up the warm California sun.

Moon Phase:  

Sunrise / Sunset: 

July 3, Update

I love this reminder to open my heart and acknowledge that there are good people out there.  I am a very negative and cynical person by nature and I am always looking for how someone is going to stab me in the back.  I assume that everyone is out to get me and that everything is personal and in reality it isn't.  There are good people out there who really want to help.  I just have to drop my shields and let people in.

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March 30, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Creativity, birth, nurturing

Book:  creativity and creation, nurturing, abundance, empathy, 

Guidance:   Nourish your soul with compassion and care

Journaling:

I love the reminder to nourish my soul with compassion and care.  All too often I push myself too hard because someone else needs something.  I sleep on the couch because Wendy won't move, I am out too late to pick up Sean at the airport.  I travel on the redeye because I want to accommodate others.  And when I do that, I suffer because it becomes harder and harder for me to recover.  My body is so much more fragile than it used to be and I need to take better care of me.

Mindfulness Honey is one way that I'm doing that as forcing myself to take care of myself / meditate once a week helps me to get in the mode of doing good things for myself the rest of the time.

Where: I am at home sitting on the couch with the doggos.  I've been working on school work and it's been super interesting.  I find when I have school work to focus on I'm much more able to let go of all the stupidity at work.

Weather:  It is absolutely beautiful out.  It has finally started to warm up and I went outside with Wendy and spent some time cleaning out the car.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13 am / 7:49 pm

July 3, 2022

It is so true that I am more fragile than I used to be.  I feel like I am exhausted all the time and I don't know how to counter that.  I also know that it is really hard for the kids right now as they are both working third shift and that takes a toll on your body.  I think I just have to accept my house won't be as clean as I would like and I won't get as much done as I want to.

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August 10, 2019


Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  mother and child, nurturing, loving

Book:  Great mother who nurtures and provides

Guidance:  Open ourselves to what we need, give and receive love

Journaling

Today was a pretty incredible day and I did a good job of opening myself up to what we need to give and receive love.  I opened myself up to having a good day, to being in a place to receive all the amazing blessings that I have in my life and to just be with Cam.  We went to Raven & Crone in Ashville and it felt really good to be around pagans and to soak up the good energy.  It's funny how I can usually put myself into Pagan Standard Time as I was pretty annoyed when they were a few minutes late opening, but once I got in there I just let myself enjoy looking, smelling, and just being.  Can and I went to the Folk Art Center and the art is just amazing as people have taken traditional Appalachian folk arts and used them to create things of beauty.  We also wandered around in a little mountain town that happened to be having a festival and I got a wood spirit carving for our house.


Next stop was Bat Cave and Cam and I were able to find the mountain stream that we'd happened across 10 years earlier.  We had kind of vaguely known where it was, but we knew enough that we were able to find it.  We stopped at Bat Cave Apple Barn and we paid a dollar to park.  Then we picked our way down the rocks until we got to the Broad River.  We ended up sitting with our feet in the water and it was an amazing way to cool off.  Cam later told me that she was a little afraid that I'd end up falling and breaking my head, but I made it down to the river and was incredibly proud of myself.  We also wandered into a little store along the side of the road and the lady had a "pet" vulture.  He wasn't caged, but apparently he and his partner regularly visited her.

Spending the day with Cam was such a treat as she is so funny and quirky and always gives me things to think about.  It was also so nice to just let go of work.

Gratitudes

I am grateful for the fun day that Cam and I had
I'm grateful for Cam helping me down to the water
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the yummy peach cobbler
I'm grateful for the Folk Art Center
I'm grateful for wandering around in the little town
I'm grateful for seeing the vulture
I"m grateful for buying a Bat Cave
I'm grateful for Sean taking good care of the critters
I'm grateful for the solitude
I'm grateful for the silliness of Lil' Wen


July 3, 2022

This was an amazing day and I really did let myself feel that empress energy of connecting with the earth and being loving and kind.  It was also so nice to connect with other pagans.  I love Raven and Crone and wish I lived closer to Ashville so I could be in there all the time.  This was an amazing trip overall.  As I reflect on this card, I also realize that the Empress in this deck represents a woman with her child so it was very representative of Cam and I.

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May 27, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Sensuality, freedom, creativity, mothering  

Book:  Great provider, all things related to motherhood 

Guidance:  Love and care for yourself and your own body, listen to your instincts 

Journaling:

The message to love and care for my body is one I have been working to take to heart lately.  One of my goals for 2019 was to do something physical every day.  Some days that is taking a long walk with the dog, some days it is swimming, some days it is working out and laughing on the WII fit.  I just have to do something.  This is so different than the kamikaze goals I would have made 15 years ago where I would have set a target weight and beat myself up if I didn't meet it by my totally unrealistic deadline.  I've learned that I actually have very little control over whether or not I lose weight.  I realize that this statement may set off a chorus of judgement from those who believe that weight loss is as simple as calories in and calories out, but I've learned that it really is not that simple.  For me, weight loss is complicated and I've given up on setting a weight goal for myself.  However, that doesn't mean that I've given up on myself.  It means that instead of setting an arbitrary goal, I'm paying attention to what I eat, giving up soda, and getting some exercises every day.   It also means refusing to beat myself up if my body doesn't respond as quickly as I think it should.

Recognizing Empress energy also means celebrating the motherly instinct in all creatures and today I got a first hand glimpse of Empress energy in my dog Wendy.  Wendy is a mom at heart and she loves and nurtures all creatures great and small.  I knew that from the moment I met her at the pound.  We had taken Clark with us to meet potential playmates and the first thing she did was kiss him.  It may have been because she'd had puppies several weeks before (and no, we don't know what happened to them) or it may just be because she is a mother at heart.  She also mothers us by scolding us when we break one of "Wendy's Rules," which include prohibitions against working on the computer on the dining room table, going to bed too late, moving chairs around, and other random things that she thinks are improper.  The problem is that there is no list of Wendy's Rules and we don't know that we've broken them until she comes, sits in front of us, and barks at us.  Humans are not the only creatures she wants to mother.  We took her to the dog park today and she fell in love with the puppies who had come to play. 

The Empress in another form was in the news today as I read a story in the Washington Post about Auntie Networks that are forming to help women who live in patriarchal states that believe that clumps of cells have more rights that fully formed women.  These Auntie Networks are offering assistance to women who need abortions including funding, places to stay if they need to travel, and other assistance.  I realize there are some who would question why the Empress who rules over motherhood would be embodied in women helping those who need abortions.  I believe that as someone who embody's motherhood, the Empress is also about supporting women who choose not to have children for any and all reasons.  That includes women who are choosing abortion so they can provide for the children they already have.  One of the lessons I've learned over the last few years is that even grown women need to be nurtured, cared for, and supported and the Auntie Networks do that.

July 3, 2022
Reading about the Auntie Networks was important for me today as Roe has fallen and it is important to know that there are groups of women who care about other women and who are there for them when they need help.  I don't know what will happen to women in these times, but I cam glad to know that there are women who are available to help.  I also had to smile as I read about Wendy's Rules because she is still one big bad boss dog and I love her more than anything.  
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May 15, 2017

Deck:  
Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Nurturing, loving

Book:  fulfillment of the creative forces of the universe; understanding, energy to bring ideas to life

Guidance:  Feel our co-creatorship, pay attention to nature, be open to new situations, guard your energy, create beauty and grace

Affirmation:  I create beauty and grace

Journaling

What a great card to pull today as I'm working to create beauty and grace in my little courtyard.  My table is going to be so amazing.  I got the color blended pretty much perfectly.  It exactly the shade of green I wanted.  Now, I just need to figure out how to get the flipping paint off my hands.  I just hope I don't have a client this week.

April 17, 2017 Revisit
I feel so blessed and loved today.

January 14, 2022  Revisit
I did succeed in creating an amazing courtyard with my outdoor furniture, lights, and rugs.  However, the table I was creating was only part of it the first year as it fell apart.  I think the lesson there is that there are certain types of creativity that I'm really not good at.  However, overall I love hanging out on the patio in the spring and so does Wendy.

July 2, 2022
Unfortunately, although I got the furniture set up, my courtyard looks very dark and dank and uncared for this year as my whole family has sunk into depression and with the kids working third shift, they don't have energy for anything and I am so tired all the time.
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May 3, 2017

Deck: 
 Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Creative, nurturing, fertile

Book:  Mother nature herself, fulfillment of the creative impulse, pleasure and fulfillment of heart's desire

Guidance;  Pay attention to nature and be open to new situations.  Create beauty and grace

Affirmation;   I nurture myself

Journaling:

I love the serenity of this card.  I'm realizing pregnancy is a metaphor for a quiet kind of creation where we let ideas gestate until the time is right.  Things happen for a reason and we often don't know what that reason is until later.  We have to trust.

May 5, 2026 update

Trust is still really hard for me.  It is hard to trust when it feels as if things aren't going my way.

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December 27, 2016


Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Fertility, creativity

Book:  No want, no need, no lack, manifestation, mother archetype, creation and passion, nurture and give birth to a project, tap into the energy of mother earth

Guidance:  Nurture yourself, let your creativity flow, create beauty, take care of yourself

Journaling

What a wonderful card to pull today.  This card reminds me of the beauty and wonder in the world.  It also reminds me that I am capable of mothering myself.  And I am reminded that throughout my life, I have chose to live.  I am worthy of living and being loved and I deserve to have attachments.  It was wrong of my grandmother to say not to get attached to me. I am worth being attached to and I am worth loving.

July 7, 2018 Revisit

It makes me so sad to think about my younger self going through life thinking that she wasn't worthy of love.  In a lot of ways, I think that is why I accepted John's bullshit as deep down I did not think I was worthy of love so I was willing to settle for whatever little scraps I could get even if I paid a very high price for them.  I've realized in the last few years that I am an amazing person and I am worthy of love.  I deserve to have someone in my life who loves me and accepts me just the way I am. 

It has taken me 50 years to accept and know deep in my soul that I am worthy of love, but I am and anyone who thinks differently is wrong.

July 3, 2022

I have come so far since I left John.  I have really learned to love and accept myself.  It's funny because when I went to the doctor and she started talking about the weight loss clinic and I told her no.  I did not want to make that a priority.  I do want to be healthy, but I refuse to make weight loss a goal.

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