Sunday, September 11, 2022

Emperor

 September 11, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions: I love the majestic sea lion sunning himself.  He looks so grand and powerful

Book:  When in doubt, I return to my center

Guidance:   Have confidence in yourself and create your own structure

Journaling:

What I really love in this image is that the confidence of the sea lion comes so naturally.  He is basking in the sun, but he is putting off an energy of absolute confidence.  All too often, I have to work for my confidence and work to have it.  It takes a whole lot out of me.  I know that a lot of people find my intimidating, but they don't realize how much energy it takes for me to be that intimidating.  

It is starting to be much easier to be confident and what I am realizing is that I am recovering confidence and not learning it from scratch.  Charlene took away my confidence with her putdowns and her sorry example of a groveling little twit.  She taught me to be afraid of authority because of what they could potentially take away.  However, what I have learned is that I have no need to be afraid of authority (at least boss types) because I am good at what I do and they have no reason to arbitrarily treat me unfairly.  And if I do, there are other jobs out there.

Sending that email to Asshat was a tremendous growth experience because I let go of fears of what he can do for me or to me.  He will grumble and be pissed off, but he's most likely not invested enough to track me down at my new job and start crap.  He knows if he did, I could give it right back to him.

Where I'm At:  I was supposed to be on my way to Erie today so I could sit in a hotel room and start my new job, but due to FedEx, I am still sitting at home.  I know that a lot of things delays are put in place to protect me, but I'm still furious with the lies and the run around from FedEx.

Weather:  It is a beautiful misty day outside.  It's been raining off and on.  I've got the window open and am hearing the birds outside.  It feels so much like a misty and otherworldly day.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 98%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:01 / 7:44

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 August 12, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  Regal, Ruler, Master of his own destiny

Book:  Authority, willpower, Executive ability, governance, leadership, stability

Guidance:   Be the master of your own destiny

Journaling:

I needed to hear this.  I need to make a decision based on what is ultimately the best for me.  I can't worry about what other people think or what happens to the kids.  I need to think about what's best for me and about what's best for my life.  The easiest thing would be to stay at Nestle and to just keep doing what I'm doing, but that won't make me happy.  I already know that.  The "friends" I have at work are the ones I whine with and that's not the best type of friends to have.  I want friends that I can talk about cool stuff and about what's good for me with.

The only thing keeping me from saying fuck it and walking away is knowing that I am walking away from a decent chunk of money because I'm not vested.  That is the piece that I'm not comfortable with nd that I haven't worked through.  I want to retire at some point in the future and that money would go a long way.  I feel like it is a battle between my emotional well being and my financial well being and that's not a good spot to be in.  I think I just need to take time to pray and reflect and ask to be guided.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today.  I'm still sort of reeling after all the drama this week and still trying to figure out what to do.  There is a big part of me that wants to just say f* it and walk away and if this job wasn't so weird in terms of having to live in another state, that would be the very easy answer.  But I don't want to rush a move and I don't want to get fired for not working where I'm supposed to.  If it wasn't for that, I'd be like f* this I'm leaving.  The other option is to just to stick it out until May when I'm vested, then get another job.

Weather:  It is sort of nice outside, but I'm so sad I don't want to go outside.  I just want to sit and be with my sad little thoughts. 

Moon Phase:  Full moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:30 / 8:31

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 July 13, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Monarch

First Impressions:  Her clothing does not say Boss Lady to me.  She does not really look assertive.

Book:  Authority, Power, Assertiveness

Guidance:   Let go of your need to control a situation and let it develop organically

Journaling:

Wow!  This is yet another card that is telling me to go with the flow and that I don't have to control everything.  However, that message is at odds with the message of authority, power, and assertiveness.  I'm struggling to reconcile those two messages and I can't truly reconcile them.  However, as I reflect, I realize that this is a lot of what Glenn does.  He does not control everything that happens, but he gives us latitude and trusts us.  That is what a good leader does.  A good leader does not micromanage.  

And this is where I am a leader and the Evil M. is a manager, a micromanager at that.  She can't let go of things and believes she is the only possible person who can control a situation.  This makes her a very good manager and a very good project manager, but it makes her a lousy person and a horrible leader.  Leaders trust their people are going to do what needs to be done and do not hound them for information.  They followup regularly, but they don't micromanage.  I'd much rather be a leader than a manager.

I've also been thinking a lot about this Maya Angelou quote:  “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  I want to leave people feeling good.  I want to empower people them and help them.  To a certain extent, I get to do that, but it is hard when the Bitch M. (Maybe that is better than Evil M?) makes me feel like shit and I get defensive.  I think forcing myself to stay to deal with her BS is wrong, but I do need to look at how I can not let the bitch get under my skin.

Where I'm At:  I'm in Trenton, MO and we had a great day at the plant.  We had a walk through of the Submarine and we did a great job on gathering requirements.  The only problem was that I did not get any sleep last night.  

Weather:  It was 90 today and that super crappy, super swampy kind of weather

Moon Phase:  Full Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:55 / 8:45

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September 16, 2019

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Standing the test of time

Book:  Father bringing structure and guidance, confidence, leadership

Guidance:  Cared of empowerment, share our skills to lead others to their own achievements

Journaling

I chose this card because I needed strong structural energy today.  This card is about being the architect of our own lives, being confident, being visionary, and owning our lives.    I feel like I am finally able to do that and to own my life.  I'm comfortable being alone and I'm comfortable being responsible for my life.  I no longer feel like I'm less than and that I need to rely on someone else to be a whole person.  The interesting thing is that I feel it in my whole being as I even walk more confidently than I did in the past.  I stand taller and I stride more confidently.  Coming into your own life is an interesting thing as it is about owning your life.  Owning the good stuff and the bad stuff.  There are things in my life that I don't want to own like sometimes being petty or othering people, but what I have found is that by being able to own the bad stuff, I'm able to take steps to change it. 

As I read that, I realize that this goes back to the 3As in Al-Anon:  Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.  First I become aware of a situation and its negative impacts.  This can come from someone pointing something out or my becoming aware myself of a situation.  The next piece is acceptance and that means accepting my part of the situation and being objective about it.  Acceptance is not about beating myself up or bemoaning my fate, it is about looking at things from a factual perspective and about what I did or did not do to contribute to the situation.  The next step is action, which is figuring what I can do to change the situation, make amends, or learn from for the next time a similar situation arises.  The most uncomfortable part for me of the 3As is acceptance and having to look at my own contribution to situations. 

Applying the 3As and taking ownership of your life means not playing the victim and accepting that even if there are things that are outside of your control, you are still responsible for your response to the situation.  That's another lesson from Al-Anon, learning to respond instead of react.  Responding means taking my time and developing a thoughtful response instead of shooting from the hip.  For me, the process of learning to respond unfortunately can mean working through anger, frustration, and other difficult emotions and I don't always work through those in the prettiest of ways, but I am getting better about it.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that we have power
I'm grateful for the support I got from John and Vince
I'm grateful for the yummy dinner with Sean
I'm grateful that my meetings were over soon
I'm grateful for the good conversation about my PhD
I'm grateful for Ace of Cups
I'm grateful I got to sleep vertically on my bed
I'm grateful Cam is okay

July 17, 2022

This was an amazing post and I really like how I understood and articulated that the 3As are about not being a victim in your life.  I'm not a victim of the Bitch M.  She is a horrible person who bullies people, but I am not her victim.  I am aware of how her shitty attitude impacts me and I accept that she makes me nuts and makes me say things that I probably shouldn't.  I just need to figure out what my action is.  Do I truly want to leave or should I just work harder at blowing her off.

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June 30, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Oversight

Book:  Bringing structure to the world of the Empress, protectiveness, productivity, enterprise, force that organizes and rules

Guidance:  Look at your relationship with authority, be honest with yourself, assert yourself, set boundaries

Journaling

I do need to take a look at my relationship with authority because it is not a balanced relationship.  I either get so intimidated by people who are in a position of authority that I turn into a sniveling baby or I adapt my "F* the man" mentality and deliberately go out of the way to provoke authority figures.  I think this has to do with the bad cops that I saw in my childhood, the ones who were abusive, and took advantage of people because of the power that they had.  I am always somewhat leery about people who seek out power because I believe it makes them narcissistic or power hungry.  However, I also know that leaders are necessary because they can provide structure and guidance.

My poor relationship with authority also stems from my childhood and my relationship with my father.  I love my father and he was an amazing influence in my life, but he also had a very misogynistic view of women and thought that women should take a backseat to men because "men had to have the good jobs to support their families."  I was so angry when I told him that a woman was going to become a director at work and he spouted that crap to me.  And at the time I was the primary breadwinner in my family.  I felt that it was incredibly insulting to be told that I shouldn't go after a high powered job because a man needed it more.  This also went against my personal credo about work and that work is a business relationship and not a charity.  Jobs should go to the best qualified and personal need should have no part in making a decision about who gets the job.

This card is also about being honest with myself and what I am and am not capable of.  Historically, I've been a good leader, but not a good manager because I'm good at inspiring people and helping people rally behind a vision, but I haven't been a good manager because I don't like doing the course corrections.  However, when I take a step back and start to view management as helping people to be their best and helping provide them skills to succeed, I believe that I can be a good manager.  I believe the emperor is both a good manager and a good leader as he has the skills to inspire people,but can also set boundaries.

July 17, 2022
I think managing people and helping them make course corrections does help them, but I also don't want to babysit grownups.  I think I can mentor and help people without managing them.  This is something I need to give a lot more reflection to, but as I ponder leadership I realize that I like to lead by example.  I don't like to micromanage and have to constantly follow up with people like I'm their mom.  I have two kids thank you very much, I don't want more :)
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March 27, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Master of his domain, rigid

Book:  Domination of mind over heart is sometimes necessary, now is a time you should find it easier to make choices

Guidance:  Enjoy the assertiveness and confidence that self control and confidence brings

Journaling

I like the message of this card.  I have not been feeling like the master of my domain lately.  I've been beating myself up and noticing every single screw up.  I'm also in that fearful place I fought so hard to get out of.  I'm feeling like I'm an idiot and as if nothing I say or do matters.  I think I'm feeling like I felt about my mother.  She always had to interject herself even if she had no clue what she was talking about.  The thing is that I am not that person.  I do know what I'm talking about and I do have the credentials to back it up.  I do matter and I am part of the team.

I'm also feeling like I don't matter in my personal life.  I feel like a drudge.  It's interesting in reading the JD Robb book, the used the term fader to describe someone who fades into the background.  I feel like that a lot.  I feel as if no one cares about me.  The thing is that before anyone else can care about me, I need to care about me and I don't do a good job of showing I care about me.

I agree with my choice to not take drugs, but I don't even check my blood on a regular basis.  I don't get exercise and I do way too much sugar.  Why would anyone else care about me when I don't even do the basics of self care?  I need to spend some time this weekend meditating and truly thinking about whether I want to live or die.  And if I want to live I need to start taking care of myself.  I also need to really look at who I am and what I want out of life and where I'm going.

I don't like living my life in a way that makes it all about others.  I want a life where I matter.

December 25, 2018

This is a card I'm learning to embrace in my own life.  Being the Emperor means that I have to make the hard choices, but it also means that I get to set the course of my own life.  I think the reason that I disliked this card for the longest time is that it made me afraid because every time I had tried to be the master of my fate, someone stepped in and told me that I was doing it wrong, that I didn't have the right skills, or that I needed to put other people first.

What I have learned over the course of the past few years is that when I put myself first, I am better able to make informed decisions.  If I am constantly putting other people first, there is nothing left for me and I end up being angry and resentful.  When I put myself first and take care of my own needs, I can better take care of others.

It is interesting to read the above because I really have made a turn around in how I treat myself.  I check my blood regularly and I track it.  My average has gone from a six month average of 209 to a one week average of 168.  It has been continually going down.  I've also been logging what I eat and while it is really painful some days to have to confess that I ate way too much crap, it also keeps me honest.
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