Saturday, August 27, 2022

Three of Swords

 August 27, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Three of Thunder

First Impressions:  I love this card as it shows a realistic heart.  I also like the face in the heart.  This is a beautiful card.

Book:  Remember your worth, let the storm wash over you

Guidance:   I allow space for healing.  I am open to meeting a more wholesome version of myself.  I trust in rainbows

Journaling:

There are days I am just so tired of healing and of my heart hurting that I just want to be done with it.  There are also days when I ask myself if I am deliberately digging into the pain instead of facing forward.  I don't know the answers to those questions.  What I do know is that there are still days when my heart hearts and it feels as if I will be forever in pain.  

There are also days where I feel stuck and if I am never ever going to move forward.  I'm always going to be stuck working at a stupid job that I hate forever.  I'm just tired of working in corporate America.  It feels like life just completely sucks and I'm stuck helping idiots make more and more money.  This situation with the I has helped me see exactly how horribly he company I work for is run and while that doesn't make my heart hurt.  It does make me sad.  I want to do work that feeds my soul and I don't know how to do that and make enough to live on.

Where I'm At:  I'm hanging out today enjoying my last day of freedom.  We're going to look at the house in Sharon tomorrow and then I have to be in the goddamned office on Monday.

Weather:  It is hot outside and sunny.  The doggos and I are hanging out inside.

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset:6:46 / 8:09

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June 5, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Learning from pain, lots of ways to a broken heart, being present

Book:  heartbreak, sorrow, painful truth, betrayal

Guidance:   The language of grief speaks its lesson

Journaling:

I've been thinking a lot lately about grief and broken hearts and it feels like the world has a collective broken heart right now.  There is so much tragedy and pain in the world, but we as a nation don't seem to learn from it.  We just watched 19 children and two teachers slaughtered and all that is being offered from a governmental perspective is thoughts and prayers.  I am so sick of thoughts and prayers as they don't seem to do anything.

My other thoughts on this card are about how having a broken heart can make you more vulnerable and help you lean into the pain as you realize there can be no love without pain.  However, the flip side of that is the pain makes you put your shields up and you close off the love as well as the pain.  That's the point I feel I'm at because it hurts too much to feel the anger, the rage, and the fear over all the mass shootings.  It just hurts to think about little bitty babies losing their loves because some moron is unable to control his emotions or because he believes that killing people will make him famous.  

Where I'm At:  It was a travel day today and I traveled to Chicago, then drove to Peoria.  It was a beautiful day to drive and although there was a mixup with my hotel and my reservation wasn't until tomorrow, it all worked out as I got a reservation at the Pierre Marquette.  It is a beautiful hotel and the rooms were super nice.  However, Peoria is kind of a weird town as it is very clean and nice, but it was dead downtown.  I know it was a Sunday night, but it was just dead.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day when I left home and I was very comfortable in my jeans, but it was hot in Peoria.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 30%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:28  am / 8:56 pm

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March 12, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Anguish, pain, body blows, agony

Book:  Painful separation, loss heartbreak, an opportunity to heal, 

Guidance:   Your heart will heal

Journaling:

I am not feeling broken hearted as much as empty.  My life feels empty, my heart feels empty, and it feels as if nothing good is ever going to come my way.  My job pays the bills, but it takes so much of my life's energy.  I don't know how to do what I want and still make money.  Cam and I were talking yesterday about how when what you love turns into a job turns into a burden.  I don't want tarot, energy work, etc. to turn into a burden.  I want those things to remain joyous.  

I don't know how to navigate this as I don't want to just be a joyless wage slave and that is what I feel like a lot of the time.  I think I need to figure out a way to have work just be work and shut the door on it at the end of the day.  I spend so much time thinking about how much I hate it.  Maybe the trick is to just accept that I hate it and that's that.

Where I'm At: I'm sitting on the couch enjoying the day.  I slept super late and it felt good.  I just need to sleep a lot lately as my body heals.

Weather:   It is 15 degrees out and snowing.  this has been the absolute most obnoxious winter.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 69%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:43 / 6:30

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February 14, 2022

Deck: Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  This is a very painful card to view as the swords have pierced her and tinged her feathers pink.  However, the way the card is laid out, she could also just be holding the other two swords.  It is definately a card of pain.

Book:  Heartbreak, self harm, grief, separation

Guidance:  Maintain boundaries

Journaling:

This is a painful card and the story is immensely painful.  What I take away from this is to maintain boundaries and safety.  We should not be causing our own pain.  This is also a good card to pull this week as i work to recover from the trauma my mother Charlene caused.  She was all about my life being all about others and sacrificing for others.  There are times when we can and should sacrifice for others, but there has to be boundaries and we have to do it willingly.  Her version of sacrifice was give, give, give.  A lot of that was Crane Womanish as she wanted me to give up everything I was for my family.  I remember two incidents that reflected this so much.  The first was when I wanted to go to a writer's conference and instead of being happy for me, all she could think about was whether or not John was comfortable watching the kids.  That stole so much joy from me that I ended up not going.  The other incident was when I was going to SAP training and for some reason the ignorant bitch thought that John should go instead.  Why the hell that even crossed her mind, I'm not sure, but was one of the stupidest things she ever said.

What I have learned in the days since ditching the bitch is that when I am in a good place and taking care of my own needs, I can sacrifice, but when I am called to sacrifice when I am in pain or not taking care of myself, it hurts and I get resentful.  I lived my life in such a state of resentment when I was married as everyone wanted me to give up everything for them.  That's not fair, the kids were not adamant I give up everything, but John wanted me to be all things to all people and I was incapable of that.  The worst part was that he did not want to sacrifice at all, he just wanted to sit on his ass and watch TV while I did everything.

Where I'm At: I'm at home this week and I'm in a pretty good space.  The drama of last week is mostly over, although Cam did fall and cut her knee this morning, but the energy feels better and lighter.

Mood: I'm in a good mood.  I have a lot of heads down work to do

Weather:  It is cold and bright outside, but it feels good as the sun is reflecting off the snow.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 98%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:22 am / 5:58 pm

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October 10, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Broken heart, betrayal

Book:  Three needles pierce the heart, one is mending it

Guidance:  Forgiveness heals

Journaling

Cam's heart is breaking today because the prosecutor wanted to move the trial back because of a murder trial.  We pushed back hard because it is really hard to schedule around this trial and it seems that every time we are all set, something happens and it gets pushed back.  I don't think the people in the justice system understand that this wrecks havoc with our lives or maybe they don't care.  I do know that the prosecutors are diligent and good people who are doing a really hard job.  I could not sit there and read through these heartbreaking cases and go to bat for victims. I think I would become numb and it would be very difficult for me to be compassionate.  I also think that it would be hard to switch back and forth between being there for my family and putting up shields to protect myself.  In some ways, this is very similar to what healthcare workers go through when they need to be kind and compassionate, but need to set boundaries to protect themselves.

I'm someone who is passionate about what I do and passionate about making a difference and I can't hold part of myself back and feel like I'm doing a good job.  I think that's what's really hard about where I'm at with work right now is that I'm not all in and I feel like I'm not able to do a good job because I'm not all in.  What's odd is that other people think I'm doing a good job, but I don't.  I think I'm doing a subpar job because I'm not all in.  I don't know what the solution is because the bottom line is that my heart isn't in it anymore and it's hard for me to do a good job.  There are so many times when it really feels like I'm not going through the motions and I'm not someone who likes to feel as if they are just going through the motions.  I like to be passionate about what I do and I like to feel that I'm making a difference.

As I'm reading this, I'm realizing that I'm struggling to find passion in my personal life because it feels like there is nothing left for me.  School is fascinating and I am so enjoying it, but it also makes it hard to tarot and do the other things I'm passionate about.  I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that it is something I need to give some thought to.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I stuck up for Cam
I'm grateful that Cam stuck it out at school
I'm grateful that Cam and I were able to talk it out
I'm grateful that I was working at home today
I'm grateful that I made progress at work
I'm grateful that the weather is beautiful

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July 22, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Fear, drama, walking away

Book:  Card of sorrow, suffering , and heartbreak.  Going through a particular hard time.  Card holds the key to healing and growth.  Opening up to new possibilities

Guidance:  Look through tear cleansed eyes at your life

Journaling:

Looking back over the last ten years, I realize that John walking out broke my ego.  I was upset and angry that he chose to walk out first.  I think even though I hoped we would reconcile after his heart attack, deep in my heart I knew that he would not change enough for us to be able to make it work.  The truth of the matter is that as long as I made more money, our marriage was never going to work.  He wanted me to make money and take care of all the chores, while the truth of it is that I never had the energy or the inclination to do all the chores and I never did them well enough to satisfy him anyway.  He was a perfectionist, but he never did the chores, he just complained about how I did them.  I was humiliated and angry when he left, but when I am am truly honest with myself I wasn't heartbroken.  I thought I was, but I was sad, humiliated, and shamed, but my heart wasn't truly broken.

LUKE
RIP
It was losing Luke that broke my heart wide open.  He was my baby doggy who was always there for me.  He was the one who loved me when I thought no one else did.  He was the one who snuggled with me, he got me out of the house to take him for walks, and who listened when I cried and raged.  He was my savior.  And I did the best job I could taking care of him, but he died and I'd missed his last checkup and I will never know if there was anything they could have done.  The vet said that they most likely would not have found the tumor as he wasn't showing any symptoms, but there is a part of me that feels guilty.

Holding him while he died was the hardest thing I ever did in my life and the best thing.  I was truly there for another being even though there was a part of me that didn't want to be.  However, he had been there for me when no one else was and there was no way that I would let him die alone.  I know he loved me because he came upstairs that last night to be with me and he made sure he went when I took Sean to the train that Friday night.  My heart cracked open when he died and I felt a pain that I'd never felt before because he was a loving and innocent being and he loved me with his whole heart. 

Opening our hearts up to another dog was really hard because when you get a dog you know that one day they will rip your heart out, but the love and joy they bring will more than make up for the pain.  They will love you unconditionally.  And ultimately, we decided to take another chance on love and we brought two furry creatures into our lives.  They love us with all their hearts and although I know that when they die, my heart will be broken into pieces.  But I also know that I will be a better person for having loved them.
Wendy & Clark

Gratitudes
I'm grateful I had Luke in my life for 10 years
I'm grateful that we have Wendy and Clark in our lives
I'm grateful for having Scott for a friend
I'm grateful Scott and I had a great meal and conversation at Spanglish
I'm grateful for the safe drive
I'm grateful for air conditioning
I'm grateful for Sean for changing the laundry
I'm grateful for Cam for staying home with the critters
I'm grateful I have a job that pays my bills

January 14, 2022 Revisit

I needed to reread this today as I thought my heart was going to be ripped out of my chest again today.  Wendy seemed a little weird last night as she was lethargic and just wasn't herself.  I woke up at 5 am and she seemed sicker.  I totally freaked out, woke up the kids, and called the emergency vet.  Unfortunately, the nearest vet who had someone on call was an hour away and by the time they could see her, Oak Tree would be open.  

I decided to wait and we took her in to Oak Tree.   We were there for two hours, but the good news is that it seems there is nothing seriously wrong.  We think that she hurt herself pushing down the baby gate.  There seems to be some muscle stiffness and pain, but the vet does not think there is anything really wrong.  She has some medicine and she will be sleepy for a few days, but my baby girl will be okay.  My heart is back and my chest and beating.  However, I also know that a day will come when I will not get good news about my girl and about my boy Luke.

February 14, 2022 Revisit

Wendy girl has had a rough month.  She and Clark got into it last week and she ended up with cellulitis, the same infection that Clarko gave me when he bit me.  Fortunately, we caught it in time and she is feeling a lot better.  She has to go and have a laser treatment today, but she is healing up nicely.  She wants to play with Clark, but we are keeping them apart until she is fully healed.

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January 1, 2018

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot
Three of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

Name:  Three of Air

First Impressions:  The Blue Dakini is stomping on someone's heart as she dances.  The lotus flower appears to have blood flowing from it.  This is truly a card of heartbreak.

Book:  If it is not real and true, sever all ties, heralding a vast awakening, healing through destruction, quickly cutting through obstacles.

Guidance:  Face the harsh truth, put something in place of your wound, open yourself to the experience

Journaling:

I really love this reading and this card.  It is a reminder to let go of what no longer serves me and to open up to the possibilities of life.  I'm at a crossroads and I know that in order to move forward, I need to make some hard choices.  One of those choices is to choose to let go of my hope that something is going to happen with X and I need to put him in my rear view mirror.  I need to do like I am doing with so much of my life and keep the good and the lessons that I've learned and let go of that which no longer serves me.  Being diabetic also no longer serves me and I need to get with the program and quit the sugar.

January 13, 2018 Revisit

The three of swords is still not my favorite card in the deck, but I am learning to appreciate it and to see the value in admitting heartbreak and accepting it versus hiding it.  I'm also seeing the value in having the pain drain out. 
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November 10, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First impressions:  Heartbreak

Book:  Heartbreak, very dramatically and tragically expressed, ego is centered on emotional distress

Guidance:  Remove the focus from your emotions, proper perspective allows more clarity, empress can help with healing

Journaling

I love the reading on this card as it is a reminder to put things into perspective.  I tend to blow things out of perspective and make it seem as if I am the only person in the world to be hurt and that is not true.  Every person on the planet goes through heartbreak and pain.  It is not the tragedy we face that defines us as much as it is our reaction to it.  We can choose to curl up in a ball and wither away or we can choose to become hard.  Or we can choose to heal and grow.  Just like I love old furniture for its scars and patina, I need to embrace my own scars and imperfections.  I've led an interesting and varied life and I need to embrace that. 

I'm struggling right now as to how I can be there for my daughter as she is alternating between defiant and sad.  I guess I just have to let go and be there for her.  She needs a support system and not a jailer.

November 20, 2017  Revisit

Interesting read as I am working on accepting myself and who I am in my own life.  I am not berating myself for clothing sizes, but choosing to love who I am.

October 27, 2018  Revisit
Over the past year, I really have realized that loving myself and valuing my body is the key to losing weight.  I am actually motivated to take care of myself and to stop drinking coke.  It is really hard, but I know that I am starting to feel better since I'm no longer sucking down four cokes a day.  The pounds have not really started coming off yet, but I do know that I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

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December 16, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:
  Joy, moving on

Card:  Drawn Reviersed

Book:  Protecting the heart, letting go of pain, forgiveness, path to recovery, accepting pain and loss and moving on

Guidance:  Letting go and move on, accept the situation

Journaling

What a perfect card to pick today.  I definitely feel like I'm moving on and letting the past go.  I've accepted that I can't help help her or change her unless she wants help and to change and it's clear she would rather sit there and whine and be passive aggressive rather than move on and get help.

She is so insecure that she can't contemplate being wrong because it would shatter her self image.  I feel so much empathy because I used to be like that.  If anyone accused me of something or told me that I was wrong, I put my shields up.  I thought if I was wrong about anything it reflected on my worth as a person.  I've learned to let go of that and accept that I'm human.  I had to want to change.  I guess I'm also uncomfortable about confronting my m

July 1, 2018

One of the lessons that I'm learning about life is that sometimes I need to choose to let go of my need to be right in order to keep harmony.  That doesn't mean degrading myself, it just means accepting that somethings are truly not mine to control and that I need to let go of the need to control everyone to let other people have their own lives.

I'm doing that with Cam right now.  I have to let go of my need to harp on her job and to point out all the things that are wrong with her job.  Instead, I have to love and support her to the best of my ability.  

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June 1, 2016

Three of Air
Gaian Tarot
Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card Name:  Three of Air

First Impressions:  This card makes me think of Barack Obama sitting in a library studying and writing down tremendous wisdom.  This is a card of wisdom and doing the work of learning.  As I write this, I'm realizing that the Three of Air translates to the Three of Swords which is traditionally a card of heart break.

Journaling:

This card is about pouring your heart out on the page.  It is about being smart enough to know when to turn to book wisdom and smart enough to know when to look inside and to trust the wisdom inside my soul. 

I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks pouring my heart out on the page and there is a huge part of me that says there is nothing more to pour out, but I know that is not true as there is always more to pour out on the page.  What I don't know if continually digging into my soul is positive or negative.  Am I uncovering junk and releasing it or am I stuck in my own shit?  Is what I'm uncovering fertilizer that can help me move forward or quicksand that I will get mired in?  I guess at the end of the day, it is up to me as to whether it is mulch or quicksand.  I can choose to be a victim and be stuck in the past or I can choose to use it as fertilizer to grow my future.  I am choosing fertilizer.

Since I've been thinking about John lately, I need to put on my thinking cap and truly think about the lessons I learned from him:


  • Men who want to go out with their friends and get drunk rather than stay home are party boys and may never grow up.  It's okay to go out sometimes, but a grownup wants a mix of the two and not constant partying.
  • Men who do not respect my boundaries are not for  me
  • There needs to be an equal division of labor in a marriage.  I should not have had to carry the entire financial burden and clean the house while he sat on his butt
  • Men who refuse to work because a job is beneath them are arrogant and lazy
What I want in a partner:
  • An equal partner
  • Someone who pays his own way
  • Someone who respects my boundaries
  • Someone who does not gaslight me
  • Someone with similar interests
  • A guy who likes to hang at home and have a few people over
  • A guy who will go to art museums and concerts in the park
  • A guy who will walk barefoot in the grass
  • A guy who kisses me in the moonlight
  • A guy who loves me despite my flaws
Other things I've learned:
  • That I need to open my heart to love and put myself out there
  • That I am worth knowing an loving
  • That John and I were probably wrong from each other from the start, but that he lied about who he was and what he wanted in a relationship as he said he wanted an equal and that he wanted a family, but that's never what he wanted
  • I'm not really angry anymore an I've learned a lot of lessons
December 29, 2017 Revisit

This was amazingly powerful stuff and the best part is that these are lessons that have stuck for the most part.  I have truly realized that I am worth knowing and loving and that I have to open my heart to love.  I'm still not exactly sure how or when I will meet someone, but I've put it out their to my guides and I've opened myself to be ready and willing to listen to their guidance and we'll see what happens. 

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April 13, 2016


Deck:  Herbal tarot

First Impressions:  Heartbreak

Book:  Need to heal past relationships and shattered ideals, creating a new vision, better balance

Guidance:  Learn how to relate to others without losing oneself, balance between emotions and the mind

Affirmation:  I set good boundaries

Journaling

I'm not sure about the relevance for this card today unless it is about starting to move forward and heal.  I think a big part of the meaning for this card for me is that joy comes from sorrow.  Experience heart break is like cracking your heart open and letting in the light and love.  I'm thinking more and more that there are reasons that rocks and crystals appeal to me is that when I was first separated they let me build a wall around my heart.  It was a symbolic way to keep out the boogie man and prevent me from getting hurt.

April 17, 2016 Revisit

I don't feel the need to wall up my heart anymore.  I'm strong enough to love and to let in love.  I've learned when I need the rocks and when I don't.  I'm also learning to let love in. 


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