Wednesday, August 3, 2022

Six of Cups

August 3, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card.  It is one of the most beautiful six of cups that I have ever seen and it doesn't give me the creepy energy that most six of cups give off.

Book:  Influences from the past, nostalgia, realization of a long held dream

Guidance:   Hold the good, let go of the bad

Journaling:

I love this card and the purity and innocence it represents.  I've been thinking a lot of my childhood again and working to focus on the good.  I remember the happy times at my grandmother's.  I remember playing outside with the kids down the hill.  I remember third grade when our teachers did a unit about foods around the world and we got to cook and eat different foods.  I remember going to the Milwaukee Museum and see what the world looked like.  I know that my parents really did the best they good.  They didn't know how to raise me to be the person that I am today who has been to other countries, etc.  And I really appreciate everything they did for me.

The thing I haven't figured out how to reconcile and forgive is the pain she caused me by degrading me, not raising me to stand up for myself, and making assumptions that I would always be taken care of by a man.  I don't know how to let go of the pain of those things.  I don't know how to let go of the pain of not being respected by my parents.  I think that is the issue.  It was a lack of respect.  She didn't respect me enough to make my own decisions and choices.  She treated me like garbage because she did not respect me.  She didn't respect me enough to make my own decision about whether or not Stella would be in my life.  She did not respect me enough to make my own decisions about decorating my house.  

Letting go of a lack of respect is hard as I deserved respect.  I work hard, I'm smart, I have a kind heart, and I have grit.  However, she never respected me as my own person.  Even after I became an adult, she didn't respect me.  I remember when I cashed out my 401K from working for the Air Force and she had a fit because we wanted to use part of it to go to Disney.  She acted as if what we did with our money was her decision.

Where I'm At:  I'm on PTO today and am planning on enjoying a relaxing day.  I have some errands to run, but may just do those in the morning.  I'm going to take it slow today and tomorrow and just work on cleaning and taking things easy.

Weather:  It is warm outside.  I sat outside with the doggos for a while, but then it got hot this afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 30%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:21 / 8:42

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 June 3, 2022


Deck:  
Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Working side by side, friendship, planting relationships

Book:  Charity, generosity, scholarship, asking for help

Guidance: Balance is found in embracing community

Journaling:

I have been binge watching Station 19, which is about Seattle Fire Fighters and they truly do embrace community.  They have their own internal community of  fire fighters who are like a family, but they also embrace the community they serve.  One of the episodes that touched me the most was about a homeless man who came into the firehouse with scabies.  He looked disgusting and probably smelled worse, but Jack treated him like a human being.  He let him take a shower, he put lotion on him, and he cut his hair.  The gentleman cried and said that he hadn't been touched or looked at since his wife died.  It reminded me that we are all human beings and that most of us are just trying to get by and survive this big scary world.

Where:  I was home today and I just chilled out.  I love having Friday afternoons off because by 4 pm, I forget I've even worked in the mornings

Weather:  It was actually a little chilly today and I didn't even feel like laying out in the hammock.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 14

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:52 am / 8:56 pm

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August 19, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Friendship, happiness, laughter

Book:  Little girl is focused on giving her friends what they desire

Guidance:  Open your heart to friendship and love and it will be returned

Journaling

The six of cups is not a card that I normally dislike as most versions are kind of creepy and seem like they really promote an imbalance of power.  However, I love this card as it is about love and friendship and taking care of the people that we love.  That is the perfect card for today as it was the City Dogs Reunion and it was so wonderful to see all the smiles on both the people and the dogs.  City Dogs is truly a place of love as they work so hard to promote these dogs that other people ignore and look past.  I know that I was a little scared of getting a pit bull, but once we got Clark and I realized how sweet and loving he was, I got over my fears.  They are sweet and amazing dogs.

It is so easy to love them because they are funny and smart and all they want to do is be loved.  They don't really care if you have a lot of money or how you look, they know what is in your heart and they return the love that is given to them ten times over.  Getting Clark was such a good decision because he really and truly helped Cam to heal.  I don't know if she would have survived without him.  He snuggles with her and night and helps keep away the boogeyman.  He has been her rock and I know that there are days when having to take care of him is what helps her get through the day.

Wendy has become my heart because she is so sweet and loving.  I think it is because she reminds me of myself in that at first glance she seems downtrodden and used up, but her heart is so pure and open.  All she really wants is for people to love her.  I remember the day we got her and how she was so exhausted and slept so much.  It was as if she felt safe for the first time in a long time.  There were no other dogs yipping and she had a safe warm place to nest in.  It was as if she felt safe and knew that she had people who were going to take care of her.  I'm also so glad that she isn't scared about there not being food anymore.  She knows that we will take care of her.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the City Dogs Volunteers
I'm grateful for seeing Wendy smile
I'm grateful they didn't check for Clark's tags
I'm grateful for the warm sun
I'm grateful for arriving in Chicago safely
I'm grateful for my snug and private hotel room

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May 20, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Nostalgia, partnership

Book:  Sanctuary, loving sanctuary of family and friends and family, kindness and compassion, relaxing fully into who we truly are

Guidance:  Leave the worries of the world behind, live fully in the present, draw insight from the past to enrich the present

Journaling:

The six of cups is a card I have historically disliked because my childhood memories were not all happy and I equated this card with an imbalance of power that occurs in childhood.  As a child, we have little power and we are at risk of being exploited or taken advantage of by those older than ourselves.  Even though the meanings from most decks are all about nostalgia, I never warmed to this card, but the cards from the World Spirit deck and the Druidcraft deck are different representations of the six of cups.  The six of cups from the World Spirit deck allows me to see two friends who are hanging out and having fun and there isn't the power differential that there is in the traditional RWS version of this card.

The six of cups from the Druidcraft deck shows an older boy and younger girl being supervised by a parent, which gives me a feeling of safety that the traditional RWS card doesn't give me.  Additionally, the reflection for the DruidCraft deck by Philip Carr-Gomm provided exactly the insight I needed as I contemplate letting go of the anger and pain my relationship with my mother causes.  Carr-Gomm said, "Receiving this card in a reading may mean that you are working on integrating the gifts and experiences of your past--your childhood, or even past lives--with your consciousness in the present."  This reading captured where I am at as it was an acknowledgement that I cannot totally sever my past and I need to figure out how to start from where I am.  It also means that I need to take a step back and look at the past as a whole and not focus on all the negativity and anger.  I need to remember the 26 mile bike ride we took with my mom and how much fun that was, I need to remember baking cookies, and the fact that she drove me to college.  What I've finally realized is that by acknowledging the good doesn't negate the bad, it just means that I am choosing to love myself and make room in my life for good memories instead of just hoarding the bad memories. 

As a demonstration of the synchronicity of the world, I'm reading Beyond Forgiveness:  Reflections on Atonement by Phil Cousineau and the passage I read tonight, an essay by Michael Bernard Beckwith, included a reflection on the biblical story of Jesus telling people to turn the other cheek.  Beckwith said, "Many people interpret this as saying that if someone hits you, you should turn the other cheek and let them hit you again.  I don't think he meant that.  I think he meant that you are supposed to give back a different form of energy.  If you are given hate or indifference, you are to give back love, patience, and compassion."  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I read this because I realized it was exactly what I needed to hear.  I've started doing a metta, or loving kindness meditation every night.  First I remind myself that I love myself and I am loved, then I expand the circle outward to include my children, my friends, and eventually the world.  As I expand the circle of meditation, I envision each person/group receiving peace and love.  Part of the meditation is specifically giving loving kindness to people who are difficult.  I realized as I read Beckwith's words that I had not been including my mother in my loving kindness meditation.  I took a pause, breathed deeply, then recited my version of the loving kindness meditation for my mother:

Mom, you love yourself
You are surrounded by love
You are kind and compassionate to yourself
You are surrounded by kindness and compassion
You are strong
You are fierce
You are vulnerable
You love with an open heart
You are enough
You have enough

As I visualized her and said these words, I felt peace within my heart.


Exercise

Begin your own metta meditation practice to begin blessing those who you find difficult.

January 4, 2022 Review

This blog entry was difficult for me to read as I have done a lot of work on grief over the last few years and I've realized that the reason I dislike the six of cups is that most traditional versions remind me of an incident that happened when I was 10 or 11.  I was in the hayloft with my older cousin and he wanted to kiss me and made suggestions to do more than that.  I honestly don't think that anything else happened, but there is a possibility that I am blocking it out.  I never told anyone and a couple of years after this incident, I overheard my parents talking about taking Randy in and I was so scared.  I could not imagine feeling safe if he came to live with us.  Unfortunately, a few months after that conversation he died in a farm accident and there was part of me that felt incredibly guilty as if my resistance had caused him to die.  I realize now that that's not true, but it explains why most representations of the six of cups fream me out.

It's also interesting to note that I've also started doing a more hardcore metta meditation practice lately.  I write out the metta meditation on an index card so that I am really focused on the person.  I have noticed that it has help me let go of some of the meditation I hold toward some people.

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May 5, 2016


Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Name of Card:  Six of Water (pulled reversed)

First Impressions:  Being outside of the circle, not connected to my community, floundering

Book:  Brooding on the past, worrying about the future.  

Guidance:  Go to the water and cast your prayer to the winds.

My prayer:  Community, happiness, peace, contentment, joy, love, wonder

Journaling

I do feel disconnected from everyone.  I feel as if I have one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland.  It is so hard to be part of the community when I am not here all the time.  The question I have to ask myself is "Is it hard?  Or am I making it hard?"  I don't know the answer to that.  There are legitimate roadblocks such as not being here all the time, but I also squander some of the time I do have.

January 4, 2022 Review

What I found interesting about reading through these cards, especially the last one, is that I did take action to move full time to Cleveland and not be traveling anymore.  However, I chose to do it at the beginning of a pandemic when life was locked down for everyone.  I have taken steps to get involved and to meet people.  I joined Open Table, I participated in a research study.  It might not be a lot, but considering there is a pandemic going on, I'm proud of those efforts.



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