Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Queen of Pentacles

 August 24, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Flower of Stones

First Impressions:  I love this card showing a bear on a log just floating down the river.  It is very serene

Book:  Security, feeling fine in our skin, 

Guidance:   Listen to yourself, trust yourself

Journaling:

What an absolutely perfect card!  I love the thought of stepping into myself and owning who I am.  That is really the journey that I have been on for the last few years and it feels good to know that I am mostly there.  I'm gong to own my next career move.  I'm going to make the move that is right for me and that will if not fulfill me, at least help me pay off my bills and set my financial future straight.

What I'm realizing is that even though I make a ton of money, I'm comparing myself to people who are with partners who make as much as they do.  That means that even if someone made $100K and their partner made $100K, they would have a higher standard of living than I do.  That doesn't really make me happy because I do work for what I have, but it is okay.  I'm going to get my PhD, work for a few years, then I'll go to work teaching or doing something that makes me joyful.  In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy each day as it comes.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today and on PTO.  I'm starting to feel better, but I'm still tiring easily so I'm still taking it slow.  I hate being so tired and not having energy.  I'm also coughing if I exert myself too much.

Weather:  It is actually sort of nice outside.  It is about 70 and the sun is shining.  I'm going to go outside with the doggos after I know the Garbage People have come to take the garbage.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 8%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:43 / 8:13

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May 24, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Happiness, contentment, nature, being settled

Book: Attention to detail, physical comfort, harmony

Guidance: The highest good is in trinity

Journaling:

It's hard to write today and think about the queen of pentacles and physical comfort as there was another damn school shooting.  Someone walked into a school and killed 19 kids.  There is no happiness or contentment in that.  This card doesn't reflect where I'm at today, but maybe the card is about the queen of pentacles offering comfort and holding those left behind.

As I reflect on this card, it is a reminder to me to hold others and to be kind.  All we can do is take care of ourselves and those around us.  Sometimes we just can't fix it all, but there is usually something we can fix.

Where: I'm home today and the stupid medicine has me so exhausted that I cannot function.  I hate drugs as they totally suck.  I'm stopping the lipitor and we'll see if I start feeling better

Weather:  it is absolutely beautiful out today.  A little chilly, but sunny and gorgeous

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 32%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:57 / 8:48

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April 23, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Bunny love, grounded, spring, taking care of people

Book:  attention to detail, physical comfort, natural

Guidance:  The highest good is in trinity

Journaling:

The queen of pentacles reminds me of my Grandma Elda because she was all about physical comfort and taking care of people.  I always felt safe at her house and although I know in retrospect that she wasn't rich and there were days when she might have not hat a stocked larder, I always felt abundance at her house.  She always took care of people and I always knew that I was loved.  That is in contrast to my own home.  I don't know how to explain it, but my mother was not good at taking care of people.  It was not natural for her, but Grandma Elda was a natural about taking care of people.  I think that's where I learned to love to cook and be there for others.

At my heart, I am a Queen of Pentacles because I like to take care of people as well, but I don't want to be taken advantage of and way too many people believe that caring people deserve to be taken advantage of.  John was like that as he took advantage of my good nature and he expected me to take care of the house and work and that was impossible.

Where: I am at home today and it is nice to hang out at the house.  the house is slowly getting cleaner, but I have to admit it is so overwhelming to get it clean.  The past year has been so hard as it has felt isolating and divisive.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out with the temperature in the 70s and the sun shining.

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:32 am / 8:16 am

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March 20, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Grounded, serene, attentive to nature, connected to nature

Book:  material wealth and abundance, strength in family, a kind and warm heart, a healer, healing

Guidance:   Don't over mother

Journaling:

I love this reading as it is all about enjoying true abundance and not the abundance that comes from buying more, more, more.  This is the abundance of the soul and of surrounding yourself with things that make your life better.  It is about having an environment where you feel safe and cared for.  And that environment is different for every person.  I have not been working on my environment lately as I have been so exhausted and so busy.  However, I am starting to wonder if I have it backwards and I need to spend time investing in  myself and my space in order to feel better.

The message about over mothering is also key for me today as I know I overmother the kids and I do things for them that they should be doing themselves.

Where: I'm sitting in my cozy living room this morning with the doggos.  Wendy is in the WenDen (i.e. the Hov) and Clark is snuggled up on the couch.  It is a lazy Sunday morning and I'm going to finish my school work and settle in to enjoy the day.

Weather:  It is cold and a little rainy out, but that makes it the perfect day to just snuggle in.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 94

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:30am / 7: 39 pm

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January 27, 2022


Deck:  
Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Confidence, hard work, the snake is giving off a Garden of Eden vibe, harvesting, goddess

Book:  A healer, luxury, being grounded, practicality, movement

Guidance:  Teach others to be independent

Journaling

I love the message in this card today because one of the lessons I am learning is about delegating and holding others accountable.  I always thought I was someone who wanted to help others succeed and teach them.  However, what I have learned is that I get jealous and competitive when someone gets into my turf.  I feel that way because I want to be special and I want to be amazing and I want to be the smartest person in the room.  I've had to really take a step back and learn to not judge myself for that.  Who I am is a reflection of my upbringing and the fact that I was raised to believe I had to give everything away.  However, I've learned that giving knowledge away, when done in a loving manner, is not the same as giving energy away because I have to.

When I think back about the people who have had the most influence on me in my life, they are the people that have invested in me and who have helped me grow and become a better person.  I'm being given the opportunity to do that and to mentor people in change management.  I'm realizing that there is joy in that and in seeing the aha moment in people's lives.  M. is a good example of someone who wants to tear people down.  She thinks she is a good coach and mentor but she isn't, she has to be the smartest person in the world and I don't want to be like her.  Which means, I need to work on letting go of my own ego hangups.

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August 3, 2019


Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions:  Opulence, being grounded, love

Book: Surrounded by the riches of the earth, embodiment of the earth

Guidance:  Enjoy the senses and share with others

Journaling

Even though the highs are still straying into the 80s here in Cleveland, it is beginning to feel like Autumn.  The last week, I've felt a shift in the air as the nights are getting chillier, the flowers have that wild and crazy vibe I always equate with the last days of summer, and the stores are selling back to school supplies.  This time of year reminds me of the summer that Luke and I spent living on the North Side of Chicago.  John and I had separated earlier in the year, then I'd gotten let go from my job because of my erratic behavior after our separation.  Luke and I had a lot of time to wander around Chicago and I remember walking in our Andersonville neighborhood and seeing all the wild and crazy flowers.   I was sad, but Luke gave me a reason to go on as I had to get up and feed him and take care of him.  He was my reason to live and my lifeline that summer.

I can't believe it has been two years since he passed away (July 30, 2017).  I remember that day so clearly as the night before he had been insistent on sleeping upstairs with me even though he hadn't gone upstairs in a few months and had slept on the couch.  When I got up in the morning, he couldn't make it down the stairs and Cam and I had to put in him a blanket and carry him.  We ended up taking him to the vet and making the humane decision to euthanize him.  His last act of agency was to lay down in the sun so he felt it on his face.  After we called Sean so he could say goodbye, Luke died with his head on my leg and looking at Cam.  We were brokenhearted, but we knew it was the right thing to be.

This will always be a time of endings and beginnings for me


January 27, 2022 Revisit

I still miss my boy a lot, but I feel comforted by how much he loved us all and by the fact that he knew he was loved and that even on that last horrible day, we were there for him.


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March 21, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Grounded, centered, stable

Book:  Holding all elements in balance, generous, open, warm and open person

Guidance:  Be practical, stay grounded, be patient and pragmatic, take care of yourself

Journaling

This card is a reminder to stay balanced and patient.  These are things that I'm often not good at.  I am impatient and I want things when I want them.  I'm also feeling like I have been waiting for something to happen for eight years and I'm ready to move on and have love in my life. 

It feels as if I have made no progress in the past eight years.  However, I know that that is not true because I've become more loving and independent.  And when I do the work to stay grounded, I'm in a much better place. My problem is that sometimes, I don't remember to stay grounded and focused and I lose my peace of mind.

December 25, 2018

I am in such a place of peace lately and even when I find myself out there in the dumps, I'm much more able to pull myself back and remind myself that it is not all horrible.  Overall, life is pretty good.  I just need to remind myself to be balanced.  I've done a much better job of that lately, but I  am still not perfect.  I guess that just like everyone else, I am a work in progress.

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November 6, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Grounded mature, financially responsible

Book:  Strong, self contained, confidence, creating a life filled with beauty

Guidance:  Maintain the joy in creativity, be wise and not just frugal

Journaling

What an auspicious card to draw on my birthday.  The Queen of Pentacles is grounded and mature and who I want to be in my life.  I'm making progress, but I have to work on my body.  That is the one area where I feel I don't have control.  I am so addicted to sugar.  I just eat it without even thinking.  I believe it is because my life is not sweet and I eat sugar to compensate.

September 1, 2018

I am finally taking definitive action on my sugar addiction.  I've started tracking my food diligently and although I am totally feeling horrible today, I know that it will get better.  I also have been working hard to treat myself with more compassion and that's hard because I am so used to beating myself up and being unkind.  It is a journey, but a journey that is important and worth taking.

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November 1, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Not being open, feeling needy, not connected to the earth

Book:  Feeling uprooted and off center, withholding hospitality, consumed by work, becoming a homebody, shutting out family and friends

Guidance:  Find balance, let go of worry, trust your instincts

Journaling

This represents where I'm at today as I'm feeling out of sorts and out of balance  It feels as if I am spending all my time working and don't have time to have a relationship.  I feel depleted and as if I am overwhelmed at work.

I know I have to actually make the effort to change things and meet people and create the balance I deserve.  I'm just not 100 percent sure how to do that.

May 27, 2018

I'm not exactly sure where I'm at on this today.  I'm not even sure if I want to meet people or if that is pressure from other people talking.  Most of the time, I'm actually pretty fine with where my life is and I'm really learning to let go of the need to follow everyone else's drum beat.  I mostly like being my own person and having time for me.  There are days I'm not even sure I want a relationship because it is nice to be my own person and not have to share decision making.  I can be selfish and make the right decisions for me without having to take someone else's opinion into account.  That is kind of a nice place to be.

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October 28, 2016


Deck: 
 Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  One with the earth, earthy sensuality

Book:  Warmly in a relationship with the earth, high value on stability, domesticity

Guidance:  Take pleasure in small daily rituals, love your life

Journaling

I love this card because it helps me feel grounded in the earth and connected.  I feel this way when I do reverse corpse and feel myself in touch with all the good stuff that life has to offer.  I am so glad that I pulled this card today because I needed to be reminded of what an amazing place our earth is and what our place in it is.

May 25, 2018

I drove through Lakewood Cemetery today and I always feel so grounded when I go to cemeteries, because I am reminded that nothing I am going through matters all that much in the big scope of things.  We are born, we live, and we die.  Our job is to live our best lives while we are alive.  We need to love other people, be kind to people, eat healthy, and be the best people we can be.  Sometimes we fall short of those ideals, but when we do, we need to pick ourselves up and keep trying.

I know that I am not a perfect parent and there are times when I am unkind, when I tease the kids too much, or when I do other things that are not nice, but I acknowledge them, apologize and try to do better.  And that is why I am different than the bitch.  She would never acknowledge how she hurt me and she would never try to make it better.  Even when I sent her a letter and outlined all the ways that she had hurt me, she never responded.  I think that hurts almost worse than what she did because it feels like I don't even matter enough for her to apologize to or try to make amends too. She acts like she is so F*ing hurt that I'm not talking to her, but she refuses to do anything to fix the situation. 

It is as if she is so stuck in her mentality that she is the "elder" (what a joke) so she doesn't have to do anything or treat me with respect.  It is as if because I am her child, I do not deserve respect.  That is so full of garbage and the complete antithesis of how I treat Sean and Cam.  I know they deserve respect and I know that I am not deserving of respect just by virtue of being their mother.  If I did not treat them with respect, I would not deserve respect from them.  That is the complete opposite of how I was raised and she cannot understand that way of thinking at all

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