Wednesday, August 31, 2022

Queen of Cups

August 31, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Flower of Cups

First Impressions:  I love how the crane manages to look shy and demure, yet powerful.  There is a great sense of peace and contemplation in this card.

Book:  I navigate with refined attunement to myself and others.

Guidance:   See the ambiguities of a situation with clarity

Journaling:

This card is a reminder not to hide all the dark feelings that I'm feeling.  It is a reminder that it is okay to be angry.  It's okay to be sad.  And it is okay to not want to make this change.  All of those feelings are okay and even though this move makes sense from a logical perspective.  It is okay that it doesn't make sense from an emotional perspective.  

I guess I really need to delve into my feelings because they are impacting me physically since my stomach is in knots.  I am feeling supremely disrespected.  How Brian handled this was wrong and disrespectful.  He could have had a conversation with me.  Instead he was too afraid to do that so he is ignoring me.  I don't give a rat's ass about his heart problems.  Those are his problem and not mine.  A leader would say that he is happy for me or sad to see me go or something.  Instead he's being an ass.  He was wrong to bring David in.  He was wrong to cancel the project the way that he did.  He is an idiot and eventually it will bite him in the ass.  I am also feeling all the sexism at work.  We have all the old white men as leaders and they keep everyone else out.  It is total garbage, but that's the way it is.  Brian doesn't have his job because he adds value.  He has the job because he is an old white guy who plays the game.

I'm sad about leaving.  I've gotten to do things that I really enjoy at the bird.  I like the Category Management piece of my job and I'm really good at it.  It makes me sad to think about leaving.  I also really enjoy the people that I work with so I'm going to be sad to not being doing that anymore.  I also really enjoy working on projects and requirements.  I don't want to just do change management and I don't think anyone understands that.  I'd rather do BA work.

I just need to realize that every transition is both happy and sad and that it is really okay that I feel this way.  It will all work out.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home today as I didn't have to go into the office.  I'm also in a very low place today.  I'm not sure why I am so sad, but I am.  A lot of people have been so nice and supportive of my leaving, that it makes it really hard to think about going.  There are really a lot of good people at the Bird, but I can't stay based on how I've been treated.  I won't be disrespected.

Weather:  It was a nice day today.  It wasn't too hot or too cold.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 17%

Sunrise / Sunset: 

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 August 22, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the beautiful white rose she is holding up and he red roses on her dress.  She's also holding a chalice.  This queen is looking straight ahead and she has warmth in her heart.

Book:  Affectionate and faithful wife, marital devotion, aesthetic and clairvoyant, marriage, advantage, pleasure

Guidance:   Know your own heart

Journaling:

Knowing my own heart is something I've been working on for a while.  Getting rid of my need to be with X has really helped me to figure out who I want to be.  Although there is a big part of me that really wants someone to love and be with on a regular basis, I also don't want to be controlled or have someone think they can dominate me.

It's been interesting as I've been watching old movies and tv shows and I never realized how much sexism and misogamy is in those old shows.  Even ones that purport to show women in position of power, really don't.  Women are always treated as second class citizens and that's something I don't want any part of.  I am strong and amazing and I don't need to be treated like I'm not.

Where I'm At:  I'm home today and I'm happy.  I'm starting to feel like a human being today and I've gotten some good sleep.

Weather:  It was a beautiful and warm day.  The rain has stopped, but it hasn't gotten too hot.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 20%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:41 / 8:16

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July 28, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  This is an absolutely beautiful card and I really feel her as the queen of her emotions.  The one thing that is a little strange is that the primary color on this is red, which to me is a color of anger, but they way this card is done it is calming and beautiful

Book:  Marriage, holy woman, control of emotions

Guidance:   Be a sweet and loving badass

Journaling:

The story of Judith kind of inspires me as she was a sweet and loving badass.  She took care of her own.  My Grandma Elda was a sweet, but loving badass as well.  She took care of us and loved us, but she also course corrected when need be.  In my heart of hearts, she is the person I want to be.  My house is no where near as clean as hers, but that's because I work full time.  I do work to cook and take care of my family like she did and I'm going to spend most of the next week cleaning my house.  

Where I'm At:  I was in the office today and it was a strange day.  I was in meetings most of the day, but I bopped out to do another meeting and to talk to Greg about the project.  He is not happy with how everything went down.

Weather:  It was overcast and muggy today, but not too hot

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:15 / 8:49



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June 24, 2022


Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card looks like Mary as the Queen of Heaven.  I love the flowers in the background and the heron and swan at her feet.  She looks kind, but also like she means business.

Book:  Compassion, boundaries, intuition, sympathy, understanding

Guidance:   Create boundaries that support filling your own cup before helping others

Journaling:

I needed to hear this as there is a big part of me that wants to rush off and dash headfirst into the abortion wars.  However, I need a to sit back, take a pause, and figure out the best way I can support the movement.  I don't believe that protesting works, but there are other ways I can help support abortion rights.  I need to just put it out there that I want to do my part and pray that the solution will come my way.

For right now, I need to take care of myself.  I need to pray, meditate, and do what I can do to put myself in a healthy mindspace.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home and I'm sad, furious, and feeling useless.  The fucking assholes on SCOTUS overturned Roe.  We knew it was coming, but it still feels like a body blow.  I don't know what I can do, but I am sad and angry.  I don't believe that protests work, but I don't know where else to spend my energy.

Weather:  It was actually a beautiful day out today as it wasn't too hot or too cold.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 18%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:51 / 9:05

June 25, 2022

It's interesting as after I wrote this, I found an article in Cleveland.com about groups helping women fund abortion and one of them was a faith based group.  I'm going to start putting together a spreadsheet listing faith based pro and anti groups.  That will be an awesome foundation for my dissertation.

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January 12, 2022

Deck:  
Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  MAMA, nurturing, take care of oneself

Book:  Surface of subconscious, Femininity, warmth, empathy, intuition

Guidance:  Connect to your intuition

Journaling

Pulling Yemaya today makes me feel nurtured and cared for.  She tells me to make myself a cup of tea and to take care of myself.  She also is a reminder that she will be there to take care of me.  Of the deities I belong to, she is the one who is the most nurturing.  She is the one that will take me to her little cabin on the ocean, tuck me into bed, and make sure I am okay.  The Morrigan and Nephthys expect me to be a bad ass bitch, which I can be; but Yemaya knows that everyone needs their mama sometimes.

It feels like there are a lot of days I need my mama on a very primal level.  I need someone who cares about me and who asks if I am okay.  It isn't 100 percent accurate to say I don't have that in my life, because Cam is good at playing Mama, but it feels weird to let my kid take care of me, even if my kid is almost 30.  I think what I'm looking for is someone bigger than me, someone older, someone who is wise and nurturing and can wrap their arms around me and tell me it is going to be okay.  

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August 7, 2019


Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First impressions:  Filling my cup 

Book:  Accepting the flow of all emotions,

Guidance: Be authentic for all feelings are acceptable if we own them, be authentically in the moment with what is

Journaling

I love this reminder to be authentic with our emotions and to own them.  My gut reaction to that statement is that sometimes it is too easy to wallow in our emotions.  However, when I am really honest with myself, the emotions that I wallow in are those that I don't understand.  When I am confused and feeling like I'm sad, but I'm really angry, I tend to wallow.  I wallowed a lot when John left because I was so overwhelmed and I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling. In retrospect, I really don't think that I was wallowing as much as much as I was seeking attention because I didn't think I was strong enough to survive on my own.  I was looking for someone to take care of me, because I didn't think I could take care of myself.  I also was uncomfortable at acknowledging that self loathing was a big part of what I was feeling at that time.  I didn't like how I looked, what I did, or who I was.  At the heart of who I was was a great big pile of uncomfortable shame.  And that was definitely not something I wanted to acknowledge.

When I am truly honest with myself, I know that I was playing the victim because I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me and I wanted someone to validate my feelings.  The kids are quick to point out that I obsess over things and when I take a step back, I realize that when I am obsessing I am wanting someone to validate my point of view or my emotions.  That is a symptom of my childhood where I was taught that my opinion didn't matter and that my thoughts only mattered if someone else validated them.  I am very slowly learning that that is not true, but it is still difficult sometimes to accept that my thoughts and opinions are valid and that I don't need anyone else to validate me.

What I have learned in the past eight years is that if I am honest and acknowledge my feelings right away, I don't get overwhelmed with them.  However, I did get overwhelmed when I wasn't honest about what I was feeling and when I let everything pile up and pile up.  I had all of this garbage deep in my soul and when my resistance finally broke down and I let it all out, it was very scary.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I went out to dinner with the team
I'm grateful that Darshan is talking to Scott tomorrow
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for for getting the car packed
I'm grateful for sitting here listening to the Blues
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December 11, 2017

Hag of Water
Dark Goddess Tarot
Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Hag of Water

First Impressions:  Just glancing at this card, it appeared as if Ran was feeding birds, but then I realized that she was underwater and that there was a person falling into the water.  Overall this card gives me a sense of despair and grief.

Book:  Goddess of the sea who claims lives when she is bored.

Guidance:  Surrender to the sea to find her hidden places, stop fighting the tide, make offerings to the depths, embrace our ability, you know where you belong, accept it.

Journaling:

The day I originally journaled I was really upset with my daughter for wanting to go on a walk when I didn't want to and for her playing the expert.  I wrote a whole lot of really nasty things that I don't want to repeat here🙁.  The bottom line is thought that I should have maintained better boundaries and not let myself get talked into going with her. 

December 27, 2017

The stuff I originally wrote is exactly the reason I decided to put my journals online and to sanitize them.  Writing all the garbage I wrote felt really good, but at the end of the day it would have served no one to have her read it.  We are human beings and even though we all love each other, there are times when the kids get on my nerves and I'm sure there are times that I get on their nerves.  It's been a little jittery to have the kids home over the holidays as I was looking forward to cleaning and chilling and that's harder to do with everyone here.

However, this is their home and I want them to know it is their home so it would be horrible for me to put up arbitrary rules and say they can't be in the living room because I want it to be quiet.  That would be mean and I'm not going to do it.  We will just all compromise and it will all work out.

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October 16, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions: Emotional fulfillment, happiness

Book:  Nurturing, warm, tender, sympathetic, intuitive, strong people skills, charisma, over thinking, over protective

Guidance:  Nurture yourself, trust your intuition, pull back from our emotions and do not let yourself drown in them

Journaling

I was able to step back and look at my emotions without getting bogged down in them.  I'm learning that sometimes the most important thing I can do for myself is to acknowledge what I'm feeling.  I spend so much time wearing a mask and pretending that life is okay but when I am truly honest with myself, I'm able to have the feelings and let them go without holding on to them.  I was able to I was scared without fear or shame and that was huge.

May 25, 2018

I have become so much better at nurturing myself and being kind to myself when I am feeling sad or lonely.  Before I was all about beating myself and berating myself for having "negative" emotions, however the more I have distanced myself from my mother and the more I have worked to find compassion for myself, the more I am able to accept all of who I am without judging myself.  That's not to say it isn't easy or that there are not days when I don't still beat myself up, but mostly I'm able to take a step back and say that it is okay and love myself.  I'm realizing that at the end of the day, the only person I truly will always have in my life is me and that I need to be kind to myself.

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