Tuesday, August 30, 2022

Knight of Cups

August 30, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Root of Cups

First Impressions:  I have to admit at first glance, I thought this card was a turtle.  The color red does make me think of blood and of being grounded in the earth.

Book:  Love completely.  Connect with the spirit world and intuition.  Go beyond the physical.

Guidance:   I am devout and in touch with my intuition.  I follow my heart with dedication and care.


Interesting as the words that jump out for me around this card are love completely.  I struggle to love completely and to open my heart.  I love Wendy completely, but I always mistrust people and assume that they have ulterior motives.  I also am not very good at following my heart when it comes to work.  I follow the money and take jobs that pay well versus jobs I know I will love.  

My goal is to get my PhD and go into academia, but I'm not sure how I will make that happen.

Where I'm At:  I had to go into the office today and I had an awesome day.  Everyone was super supportive and I ended up having a call with J. and I got to completely download how awful B is and all the garbage that goes on in our department.  I also dished about the Evil M and how horrible she makes everyone's lives.  Not sure if it will do any good, but it certainly felt good.  I was grateful and a little annoyed that Glenn acknowledged he didn't know if he could have developed the department without me.  That annoyed me because I feel like I never got recognition for that.

Weather:  It was warm and humid and it rained over night.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 10%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:49 / 8:04


 June 13, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Warrior of Cups

First Impressions:  She is holding the cup weirdly, the shield is at her side, the polar bear is not ferocious

Book:  Emotional learning, idealist, proposal

Guidance:   Tap into your imagination to envision all possibilities


This is a strange card and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  What I find interesting is that this is a card is about emotions, but it is in the cold north where there are not a lot of people around.  To me a polar bear is more about swords than about cups.  However, I love the meaning about tapping into imagination to envision all possibilities.  I know that right now I am in a dark place where I'm thinking about all the ways the system is keeping people down.  I'm thinking about the shit show that is capitalism, about the misogyny that is rampant in our world, etc, etc.  However, I've always been someone who wasn't about the statistics or the odds and I've always moved up even when the world was in disarray.  I need to get back to being that person.

The first thing I need to do is get the house cleaned so that it reflects calmness and not the chaos that it currently reflects.  That will help me better connect with my deities and better channel where I want to go with my life.  That needs to be my first priority in taking care of myself.  The problem is that the house has become so overwhelming that that is hard to do.  However, I'm going to take one step at a time and get the house cleaned and get rid of all the junk.  That will be the first step.

Where I'm At:  It's Monday and I'm at home, but I did go over to the hospital today to meet the ladies for Open Table.  It was so good to get out and to meet people, but I do feel weird about the hospital.  I feel so angry that they are not even giving me the courteous of a call back.

Weather:  It was warm today, but not overly hot

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 am / 9:02 PM


March 28, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Patient, not rushing things, wears his heart on his sleeve

Book:  Classic romantic, heart on his sleeve, in love with the idea of love

Guidance:   Move passionately toward the things that make your heart float


This is an interesting card for me as there is still a part of me that really wants romance and hearts and roses, but there is another part of me that feels like I'm past that and I'm ready to put my heart and soul into what I am passionate about.  I know that when I am pursuing things that fascinate me, I am a much more interesting person.  I think the challenge for me right now is to identify what is good enough at work and that is the effort I put into it while I put my heart into my passion.

My passion really is religious studies as I love looking at how religion impacts culture.  I don't know what long term looks like, but for the short term I'm going to put my passion and heart into school and do what I need to do at work.

Where:  I'm chilling on the couch at home with Wendy at about 8:20 in the morning.  She woke me up at 6 to go out and I couldn't fall back asleep.  The house is freezing so I'm fully dressed including my duster and socks.  There are days I don't know if I will ever be warm again.

Weather:  It is 24 degrees out this morning and clear.  It looks like the snow will be hanging around for a few days.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 16

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:16 am / 7:47 pm


January 10, 2022

Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Bravery, leading with emotion, clear sighted

Book:  Chivalry, affection, taking action, meaningful gifts

Guidance:  Be kind and gentle, but be willing to take a stand for what you believe in


The modern day equivalent of this card is firefighters who are brave and take action.  They are also willing to sacrifice for those who need them.  What is interesting about this card is the term clear sighted as it relates to clarity and knowing what you are getting into.  When I think about the firefighters on 9/11, they very clearly knew what they were getting into, but they went anyway.  I don't know if I could be that brave and selfish.  I know it is incredibly brave to do that, but it is also a little selfish as you are putting your life on the line knowing that if something happens your family will have to go on without you.

I realize that this sentiment is a reflection of all the work that I've done to convince myself that I matter as a person and not only as a reflection of what I can do for others.  I was raised to believe I only mattered if I was doing for others and that my own needs and wants didn't matter.  It took me a long time to realize that I did matter and that is why the thought of moving to a service type position is difficcult for me as I am afraid of losing myself in service to others.

There are lessons for me from this card though.  I think the key is leading with emotion.  All too often, I lead with my head and logic things out instead of going with my intuition.  As the readings I have started to do for my word of the month, CLARITY, are telling me, I need to use my intuition as well as my brain to get clarity.

October 13, 2019
(Happy Birthday Sean)

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Open heart

Book: Welcoming the flow of feelings

Guidance: Acting from the heart


It's Sean's birthday today and he's been in my life for 30 years and it has been a roller coaster, but I am so glad that he's my kid.  I'm also so proud of the positive changes he's made in the last year.  He's lost a lot of weight, he's gone back to school, and he's really grown up before my eyes.  I admire him so much as he goes out and runs 5Ks and I don't know how he gets the energy.  He is also the most compassionate and loving person in the family and he has an incredibly tender heart. 

When you first have children, you tend to think of the things that you will teach them, but as they grow up, you start to realize that your children can teach you many lessons as well.  Here are some of the lessons I've learned from my son:

  1. Dealing with Disappointment. There were many times when Sean was growing up that we could not give him everything he wanted and he, mostly, handled that with grace.
  2. The value of discretion.  Sean is in a hard place as it often seems as if he is trapped between his father and me, but he manages this emotionally fraught relationship with discretion and even though it sometimes drives me nuts, I'm incredibly proud of him.
  3. He understands it takes hard work to change your life.  He realized his weight was out of control last year and he took steps to change it and he's lost a lot of weight and is feeling much better.
  4. Follow your passions.  It might seem silly to some, but Sean has really been motivated to lose weight by which rollercoasters he can ride.  He gets so excited when he can ride a new roller coaster.
  5. Love animals.  Our entire family loves animals, but I think Sean loves them most of all as he is kind and compassionate even to the animals that Cam and I aren't fond of.
  6. Be willing to change your mind.  Sean was adamant he wouldn't go back to school, but then he realized that if he wanted to build a better life, he would need to go back to school and he did.
  7. Pay Attention.  Sean is the best gift giver in the family and that's because he really pays attention to what people say and he listens.
  8. Do what needs to be done. Sean's job can be miserable at times and he often comes home and complains about it, but at the end of he day he sucks it up and does it.
  9. Take care of the people you love.  Sean does a great job of taking care of the people and critters he loves and even though he might grumble, he takes care of us.
  10. Be your own person.  He drives me nuts sometimes and I don't always understand his interests, but he is his own person and I'm proud of him.
Sean truly is the knight of cups in the family because he leads with his heart.

I'm grateful that I've had Sean in my life for 30 years
I'm grateful that he is so kind and loving
I'm grateful he liked the Angel Food Cake
I'm grateful we had dinner as a family before I had to leave
I'm grateful for an on time flight

September 16, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Capturing the flow, flowing into my heart

Book:  Welcoming feelings

Guidance:  Acting from the heart


Acting from my heart is sometimes difficult for me as acting from the heart means that my heart has to be open and I have to be willing to let my love flow out and let love flow in.  That's hard for me.  However, the more removed I am from John and Charlene, the more I am able to act from the art and to accept the love that flows into my heart as real.  I've always assumed that people wanted something from me and had the feeling that no one could love me for me.  However, the last few years I've been able to just act from my heart and do what needs to be done.  Sometimes, that means I need to make time for people when I really don't have it, but when I am able to put aside the work and just be present for people, amazing things happen.  The paper I need to write will always be there, but the people I love may not.  That means learning to be more patient and loving with Wendy as well.  It is frustrating for me when she wants to totally be in my face, but that is her way of showing love and the more I am able to open myself to her love, the calmer she gets and she's able to just cuddle instead of love bombing.

One of the hardest parts about opening my heart is opening it without expectations.  I've had to let go of the expectation that if I open my heart than I will the romantic love that I desire.  I've had to learn to just open my heart without any expectations of being loved back.  That's incredibly hard as there is a possibility that I will be hurt.  However, when I go down that path, I think about the amazing dogs that I've had in my life and how despite coming from horrible and potentially abusive backgrounds, they've been able to open their hearts up and love fully and deeply.  They are just able to be in the moment and to love and it is an amazing thing to witness.  And when they do receive love they just blossom.  I need to be more like the doggos.


I'm grateful for the yummy apples
I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for the Krispy Kremes
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful that Sean appreciated the donuts
I'm grateful for the beautiful day
I'm grateful for finishing my paper


June 13, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Card Name:  Seeker of Cups

First Impressions:  Searching for the grail

Book:  Worshiping all that is beautiful, a dreamer, an idealist, more comfortable with love from afar than day to day challenges, gallant, kindhearted

Guidance:  Do not only ponder your dreams, pursue them as well


I'm feeling called to do something big and bold and it feels as if I'm being led. However, my guides are testing my patience because I want to see the entire path at once, but they're reminding me that I have committed to living Cairn by Cairn and that means that I need to let go of my need to know the whole path and that I need to trust that I am being guided in the directly that I need to go in.  That is so hard for me, but I know it is the right thing for me to do.

The one thing I struggle with on this card is the fact that he is more comfortable with love from afar than the day to day challenges of a day to day relationship.  I have to admit that that is really true for me because I like the idea of romantic love and being in a relationship on a day to day basis, but I also know that that can feel like I'm being suffocated.  I don't know what the solution is, but I'm also comfortable with not knowing where that's going right now. 

Wow!  As I was sitting here looking at the card one more time, I realized that the cup represents the dreams and the seeker is the gumption to go after what you want.  This card is a reminder that I need to have the passion and the grit to make my dreams come true.  As I write this I realize that passion and grit can drive the organization and the steps that need to take place.  I sometimes separate my passion, my grit, and my organizational skills, but this card is telling me that I need all three.  Right now my passion is in the lead, but my grit is also important as it is F*ing hard to work a full time job that I'm not thrilled with and work on my MA.


December 17, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Siren of Water

First Impressions:  These are actually second impressions, since I've pulled the Siren of Water recently 😍.  One of the things that is striking me as I look at this card a little deeper, is that Aphrodite looks very shapeless.  We tend to think of her as being a blond bombshell, but her toga completely obscures her curves.  For me, this card is about learning about emotions.

Book:  Love is a risk you must take, all that enchants the spirit and arouses the body and in doing so she opens her heart.

Guidance:  Look at yourself through the eyes of love and change what is possible.  Admit your desire.  Do or make something you love.


Aphrodite is not a goddess that I've ever been comfortable with as she seems so perfect and out of reach.  She's the cheerleader who gets all the boys while I'm the chunky nerd no one looks twice at.

Message from Aphrodite

I am not your rival.  I am you.  Embrace my gifts of beauty and sensuality.  Let go of the fear in your heart about not being pretty enough or sexy enough.  These are old messages.  You are beautiful, kind, loving, and have a beautiful heart.  I am not your rival, I can be your coach and friend if you can open up your heart and trust.

December 28, 2018 Revisit

Wow!  As I read back over this, I have chills as this is an amazingly powerful message.  I know there are pretty girls that are mean girls, but maybe there are pretty girls who are pretty inside and out.  I always put up my defenses around pretty girls, but maybe I shouldn't.

One of the hardest lessons I'm learning right now is that beauty truly does come from the inside out.  I know that I struggle with that as looking in the mirror and not seeing a perfect size 6 makes me feel bad about myself.  It has been a struggle to start to look for the good in myself and to find my inner Aphrodite.  I do know that cutting off people who do not support me and encourage me has helped me tremendously.  I spent my entire childhood believing that the right way to show love was to discourage people and constantly give them unwanted advice.  It was about "correcting" people by telling them they smelled like an old fisherman while in the market, even though there wasn't anything I could do about it at the time.  It was about being passive aggressive and talking about me to others instead of being direct.  It was about "bringing me down a peg."

In reality, none of those things are love.  Those are simply acts of cruelty.  It doesn't matter if it was my mother who did them, they were acts of cruelty and abuse.  True love builds people up and doesn't tear them down.  The only good thing out of that entire experience, is that I've learned what love is and by not following the bitch's crappy example, I can show my kids true love by encouraging them and supporting them.

November 22, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Exploring emotions

Book:  Knight is dreamy and romantic, not up for fighting, more for loving

Guidance:  You are feeling very romantic, celebrating the beautiful and sensual is as important as other experiences.  Don't let romantic ideals take you away from your center


I'm not sure what the meaning is of not letting dreams take you away from your path.  Does that I should accept a life of drudgery that is all about everyone else?  Does that mean I'm supposed to accept a loveless existence?  That is totally unacceptable to me and I refuse to believe that I don't deserve love.  I am a beautiful, kind, and loving person and I deserve happiness in my life.  I deserve to be loved and adored.

November 9, 2018

It is almost a year later and I still feel trapped in drudgery.  It is so hard to make a life of my own choosing when I have so many bills to pay and feel responsible for other people.  I don't know how to find my way out of this situation.


August 25, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Siren of Water

First Impressions:  This card is beautiful and reminds me of a Botticelli painting.  Aphrodite is gorgeous and the epitome of sex appeal, but she is always painted alone.  She is the Goddess of Love, but she is never a goddess that I would call upon for love as she strikes me as not about love as much as about worship. 

Book:  Engenders desire for love, connections and communion, Passion overcoming the haughty, opening the heart.

Guidance:  Love is a risk you must take, create or do something you love, admit your desire


This card is yet another reminder to open my heart to love.  One of the things I've been pondering lately is who I want to be with.  Is it someone I already know who knows and loves the "old" me?  Or is it someone new who will just be getting to know me?  There is a part of me that feels I have to move on and that I'm ready for the next phase of my life. 

Someone I care about did something that I feel disrespected me and I'm not sure how to react.    I know that I need respect in my life and if people can't respect me, then they don't need/deserve to be in my life.  For me this card is about loving and respecting myself.

December 18, 2017

It was pretty cool when I was putting up the tree and found my Bremen ornament and instead of immediately thinking about who I was with in Germany, I thought about my own memories of being in Bremen around the holidays.  This was huge progress for me.  I know there will always be a part of me that loves him, but I'm done waiting and I'm ready to move on with my life.

December 26, 2017

I've gotten a lot better about putting myself first and loving myself.  Maybe the message of Aphrodite is that all things are about love and pleasure and that loving ourselves can help create an atmosphere where there is more love and light in the world overall.


November 2, 2016

Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Closed off emotionally

Book:  Dashed romantic hopes, halting a courtship, looking at things objectively, negative reaction to increased demands of the world

Guidance:  Don't let your dreams delude you, maintain your emotional balance, avoid extremes

May 27, 2018 Revisit

I didn't journal about this card, but this was right before my 50th birthday and I was feeling closed off and as if nothing I did mattered.  One of the things that I have realized over the last few years is the need to be emotionally open and to let people in.  That is really hard for me as I am not good about making friends and I don't let people in easily. Maybe the lesson for me right now is that it is okay that I don't let people in and that I need to stop beating myself up and trying so hard.  It's okay that I'm not as open as other people.  Everything about me is okay and I am okay.

I just need to let my life unfold and to do the best I can.  If I continue to work hard on who I am and I am kind to myself, life will flow better.  The problem is that my shame becomes a vicious circle as I feel shame so I don't feel like reaching out to others, then I feel closed off, then I feel shame.  I think the first step in this process might not be to let people in.  Maybe the first step in the process is to be kind to myself.

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