Friday, July 1, 2022

The Chariot

 July 1, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Freedom

First Impressions:  Looking forward, freeing the animals, two moons

Book:  Action, Determination, Success, Willpower

Guidance:   You have the freedom to shape your own reality

Journaling:

I don't like this card for so many reasons.  The first is that oit doesn't relate to the traditional meaning of the Chariot at all and while I am okay with people renaming cards and coming up with their own meanings, I believe they should be close to the traditional meaning.  There is an order and purpose to the cards and when you alter that, it causes problems.


I also struggle with shaping my own reality.  I think there are things I can do to change my reality, I"ve learned that you can't totally create your own reality as there are systematic forces at play.  In some ways, we are just as entrapped as people have been for millions of years.

Where I'm At:  I'm sitting on the couch at home with the doggos hanging out.  It's been a pretty good day.  I went out earlier and picked up fish from a fish fry that J from work was participating in and it was so nice to meet him in person and to just hang out and talk. 

Weather:  It was super hot earlier today and I got overexhausted hanging out outside because it was hot.  However, now it is raining and Wendy is whining to go out, but then refusing because it is wet.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 5%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:54 / 9:05

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March 29, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Beautiful sunset / sunrise, balancing, black and white, magick

Book:  Determination, victory, speed, and action, being in control

Guidance:   You are gifted with the opportunity to become more

Journaling:

This is an interesting card because it feels like all I'm being gifted with lately is the opportunity to work with assholes.  YMAN decided to be a total dick this morning as we were doing a review of NCR and he decided to get pissy because no one consulted him about what the new processes would look like.  It really wasn't any of his business so why would we consult him?  He's now escalated it even though he was told by a VP that he needed to back down.

The company I work for is one of the most toxic places I've ever worked because it is all about being nice and the assholes that work here use that to their advantage as they jut tromp all over everyone else because they know there will be no backlash.  Well the thing is that I need to stay for 13 more months, then I'm leaving.  I can't deal with the toxicity anymore.  My goal for the next year is to do an adequate job and leave as soon as I am vested.  It might be difficult, but I just have to not let the toxicity sink me.  I think I need to develop a cleansing ritual.  And if Sean gets a first shift job, I'm going to move my office upstairs so that I can shut the door and be done with it.

Where: I'm at home and it is almost 8 pm.  My work day was weird, but now I'm chilling out at home with the doggos

Weather:  It was crisp and cold outside today, but almost all the snow is melted so that's a positive.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 9

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13 am / 7:49 pm

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February 23, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance, Magick, on the right path, looking forward

Book:  Determination, victory, speed, action, harnessing opposing forces, travel, confidence, being in control

Guidance:   Take action and manifest what you want

Journaling:

This is an interesting thing to reflect upon because I set out to manifest a salary of $150K a year and I was a few hundred dollars short of that last year, but when I add in the couple hundred I got from Metro for participating in the study, I hit it almost exactly right on.  However, I'm not happy.  I feel like I have become the person I never wanted to be, working for a huge company, and being a wage slave.  However, I really really like my paycheck.  I want to do good with my life, but I also need my paycheck to make ends meet.  

Maybe those are my two horses:  the need for money and the need to do good.  I don't know how to reconcile the two because I've gotten myself into a bind and need to make what I do in order to pay my bills, but I'm bored with what I do.  I don't know what the solution is, but maybe I need to put it out there to manifest.  I will give some thought to what it is I truly want and see what I can manifest.

Where I'm At:  I'm sitting on the couch at home with Clark curled up next to me.  It's a fairly peaceful day and I'm working through work stuff.  It's funny, it's one of those days where I don't have a lot of meetings, but I feel like I don't want to work through the backlog.  Sometimes, it feels I get so much more done when I don't have enough time.

Weather:   It's cold today with the highs only expected to get to the low 20s.

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter 55%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:10 am/ 6:10 pm

March 29, 2022 Revisit

I like the idea of the two horses as the need to do good and the need to make money.  My challenge is to figure out how to balance the two.  As I reflect on this, I think the piece that I'm missing is that the need to make money isn't bad and doesn't make me a bad person.  Right now I need to make the salary that I'm making.  I also need to remember that if I leave before next May I won't be vested in my retirement and that's important.  And neither of those things make me a bad person.

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January 13, 2022

Deck:  
Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Moving forward, moving through emotional turmoil, maintaining balance

Book:  Journey, perseverance, victory

Guidance:  Harness emotions and charge down a straight, clear path

Journaling

This is a good reminder to me to cut through all the emotional clutter.  I'm letting the bitch Y make me swirly today and Cam asked me why I was wasting my time on her and that is a good question.  I have no clue what her deal with me is.  Maybe she is jealous, maybe she is trying to put me in my place, who knows, but I do know that her attempts are pathetic.  I outclass her in every conceivable way so I don't understand why I worry about her.  I also wonder if just ignoring her will piss her off more.  Maybe that's the key is to just act as if she doesn't exist and she will get even more pissed off and do more stupid shit that will get her in deep trouble.

Ignoring her will take tremendous emotional energy for me as I just want to wipe the ugly smirk from her face but ignoring her may be the ticket.  I need to give this some thought.

March 29, 2022

One of the things that D does when thinking about the nasty people at work is to think about them as gum on her shoe.  I like that analogy and I'm going to adapt it as these people are worthless and I just need to let it all go.

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September 6, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Moving forward, keeping your eye on the prize

Book:  Card of movement and victory, symbol for a journey of self discovery and worldly ambition

Guidance:  You are well on your way to achieving your ambition, keep up momentum

Journaling:

It's funny but when I travel for my own reasons, I feel like I'm able to let go of all the things that are weighing me down and am able to focus on who I really am at my core.  Being someplace else away from my stuff and all the weirdness of everyday life, really helps me to focus on what matters to me and on who I am at my core.  Being here in the woods with the dogs and Cam makes life simpler and I can focus on the beauty that is all around me and on the fact that a lot of the stuff that I do on a day to day basis doesn't matter so much.  What matters is learning, loving, and being true to myself.

The question for me is how to get to a life where I can live my essence every day and not have to deal with all the weirdness and ugliness that comes with my day to day life.  How do I get to be the introvert that I am at my core instead of the extrovert that I pretend to be in my day to day life?  How do I get to where I can focus on what matters to me instead of what matters to other people?  How can I get to the point where I am truly me and not who everyone else thinks that I am?  I don't have the answers to those questions, but I know that if I keep asking those questions and keep being true to myself, I will find the answers.  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy hanging out in the woods, cooking hot dogs over a fire, and just being true to my own nature.

I chose the chariot because it is a symbol of moving forward and it is a way to blaze a trail from where I am and who I am to who I want to be.  I don't yet know how to get there, but I will figure it out.  I also chose the chariot because it reminds me of Clark's reaction to the Amish buggies and how astonished he was to see a "big hoof dog" pulling a cart.  The look on his face was so priceless and that's a memory that I will cherish.


Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the nice drive down
I'm grateful for the cozy cabin
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the yummy Whoppers
I'm grateful for the amazing smell of the woods
I'm grateful we got on the road in good time

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June 10, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Staying on an even keel, maintaining emotional control

Book:  Journey of personal growth, challenge of self mastery, intense confidence and determination

Guidance:  Balance your inner and outer realities and maintain equilibrium

Journaling

The chariot has always been about emotional control for me since I first start reading the tarot.  It always felt as if my mind was one of the horses and it wanted to go straight ahead down the path of logic and the other horse was my wild emotional horse that threatened to derail me.  It has only been recently that I've learned to have some emotional control and not break down at the slightest little thing.  Being a consultant has been really good for me in that arena because when you are standing in front of a room and people are throwing hard questions at you, you need to be able to play it cool and not break down. 

The other thing I'm realizing is that it is much easier to have emotional control when you are in an emotionally stable environment.  Living in the emotional tinderbox that was my marriage meant that every spare ounce of energy I had went to just surviving and to catering to John's emotional needs to try to keep him on an even keel.  There was no energy to tend to my own emotional needs or the emotional needs of the kids.  His temper and his victim mentality were a big black cloud over every house we lived in and that made it so hard.

Emotional control still is not easy for me and there are days I really have to think my way out of situations and remind myself that whatever is happening isn't permanent and that I do not have to react to every little thing that happens.  I'm learning to be much better at responding instead of reacting and that has helped me so much in maintaining emotional stability.  A lot of times by the time I have calmed down and really thought things through, I don't even feel the need to respond because the emotional storm has passed.

In a lot of ways, emotions really are like storms because they can come out of no where with the least little thing setting them off and they generally pass.  Sometimes I need to look at my emotions and work to take care of them, but other times I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that this too shall pass.

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March 28, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Pulled two directions, controlling one's emotions

Book:  Directed and controlled energy, clear road to hopes and dreams

Guidance:  Use your mind and your heart to be successful, give it your best shot, do what you can

Journaling:

There is so much to think about with the Chariot.  My gut instinct react to this card is always about controlling my emotions and keeping them in check.  This is so true for me because I have been vulnerable lately and I've let the negative voices in my head get the best of me.  Everything I don't do perfectly, I've magnified.  When I think about our presentation, I did a good job.  I was articulate, I made my points, and I did a good job.  It is not my fault that our presentation was a mishmash and it is not my fault that other people convoluted testing and training.  None of that is my fault.  I can only control me.  Everything else is outside of my purview.  I provide my input and if people choose not to listen, there is nothing that I can do about it.  I cannot control the universe.

I think I need to have that tattooed on my forehead because I continually forget.  I also need to quit taking everything so personally.  It's not personal.  I know that part of the reason that I do this is that all I have in life is work.  I need to expand my horizons and make work a part of my life instead of my whole life.  I need to pray for guidance and figure out how to go from here to there.

December 25, 2018 Revisit

There's lots of juicy stuff in this card.  One of the things I'm taking away as I re-read what I wrote and as I meditate on the chariot is about the importance of staying in my lane and I do that by not getting distracted by the things that are outside of the lines that I cannot control.  I cannot cDeontrol the shit my mother says, but I can control whether or not I listen to it.  I cannot control how other people do their presentations, but I can control whether I take ownership or not.

As I'm meditating on this card, I'm realizing that it is a card of self control.  It is a card that is saying I can drive forward or I can choose to be distracted.

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November 5, 2017

Deck:  
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Moving forward, forward momentum

Book:  Card of victory, immense power and focus of the woman's mind

Guidance:  Willpower and control, recognize your own strength and ability to maintain order in the midst of chaos

Journaling

I love the message of this card.  I love being reminded that I am strong and capable and that I can accomplish so much more than I think I can.  I sometimes get so caught up in listening to the voices of my past that I don't make time for my future.

I can and do accomplish great things.

This is a year for turning my focus inward and achieving things for myself and not for everyone else.  Sometimes I get so caught up in taking care of others that I forget to take care of me.  This year is all about self love and self care.

November 20, 2017 Revisit

I'm being challenged this year to set boundaries for others.  M could consume me if I chose to let her.  I have to trust that even though she has bipolar she is strong and capable.  As long as I see no signs that she is manic, I need to let her make her own mistakes, but that is a really hard thing to do.

October 26, 2018 Revisit

The past year has been difficult and amazing.  It is almost a year later and we are still dealing with the affects of her assault.  Even though in a lot of ways she is stronger, she still gets scared and afraid sometimes.  However, because I've been better at managing boundaries in all of my life, I have been so much better about being able to be present for her and to really be there when she needs me.   A lot of that has to do with being able to be present for myself and to really value myself. 

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May 17, 2017

Deck:  Gaian Spirit Tarot

Card Name:  The Canoe, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Going upstream, disconnected from guides, choosing to go it alone, disconnected from the source

Book:  Energy may be scattered and progress becomes difficult.  Opposing ideas bring conflict.  At what cost does a journey of self discovery come.

Journaling

Again I'm pulling cards about it being hard to find my own path.  This card reversed reminds me of the difficulty of finding my own path.  It seems as if I am in a time where it is hard to determine what I want to do and to follow through.

This is an appropriate card for me on so many levels.  I'm tring to figure out appropriate career path.  Do I want a job where I stay with NTT?  Do I want to have a job where I get together with X or do I let go of hope completely?  What is the right course of action?  There are so many days where I just don't know which way to turn.
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May 4, 2017


Deck:  The Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  of two minds, keeping emotions in balance

Book:  Harnessing the energy of well-being, Receptive to inner guides, liberated from himself, direction from within

Guidance:  Filter out negative thoughts, use one's power for good, connect to emotions

Affirmation:  I connect with my inner wisdom

Journaling:

I love the meaning of harnessing my inner power, but lately I don't feel as if I have much inner power.  I've been in a really dark place lately and I think of suicide a lot.  My life is so fucking meaningless and now even work sucks.  I don't like managing projects and I don't like working with K. as she micromanages and I'm not thrilled by that.  I'm going to play along so I keep my job, but I hate it.  I could deal with all of that if I wasn't so lonely.  All I want is a person to come home to.  I love my kids dearly, but I need more.  I need a lover, a husband, and a best friend.  To be honest, I don't know how much I can hold out and THEY seem to have abandoned me.

Dearest Ones, 

I need love and I need it now.  I cannot continue to go through life so lonely and alone.  I need someone to walk beside me on this path.  I need someone to love me.  I don't need or want a lot of friends.  I need that someone special to be there in my private space when I shut the door at night.  Please bring this person to me now.

May 5, 2016  Revisit

Today is a little better, but I still want someone to walk with me and love me.  I am ready for love and I have accepted that i need love in my life.

February 10, 2022 Revisit

It is always interesting to read through my old entries, especially ones where I am so depressed.  I'm feeling that way today as well, but reading through old entries where I am depressed gives me home because if I made it through that, I can make it through this.  The past two years have been so difficult as I have alternated between immense pain and feeling numb.  I am lonely and I want someone to laugh with and joke with and I don't know if I will ever have that in my life.

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September 29, 2016

Deck:  
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  The charioteer is male and there is a yin-yang symbol on the chariot.  Instead of horses, the chariot is being pulled by sphinxes.  There are half moons on the charioteers shoulders and his cap looks almost like that of a shriners.  He looks as if he is driving through an arch of stars.  In the background, there is a city.  Reversed this card speaks to me of out of control emotions.

Book:  Be wary of relying too strongly on your own willpower, energy being stuck or damned up, be careful of movements.

Guidance:  Hold your horses, it is not time to move forward.  Change direction

Journaling: 

Interesting card to pull.  This is a card I've spent a lot of time reflecting on and I'm still not sure what the meaning is for me.

December 23, 2017

The chariot has always spoken to me of emotional control and remaining steady even when there are forces pulling you in two different directions.  I've quit reading reversals so if I was reading this card today, I would read it as a reminder to keep my emotions under control and to continue moving forward.

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